Goodbyes and changes x

Dee’s funeral went as well as funerals can go. So many people turned up to the church and I know so many more couldn’t make it. The service was beautiful, as Dee had planned it along with her minister. Her husband read out a few bits that Dee had actually written herself about her life, and was lovely to hear, but so difficult at the same time. She was such a flipping fighter! She fought to the bitter end, but in the end she was totally ready to go and be with God. She showed me such love and compassion. Her smile could brighten up the darkest of rooms, your darkest of moods. She was a living angel. But not she is at peace, no more pain and suffering. Just lots of dancing with the angels and sitting with God. Was great to see people I hadn’t seen since I stopped going to church a while ago. Was good to catch up. I also spoke to new people as well that knew Dee. I introduced myself as one of Dee’s skallywag’s as she used to call us “kids” from the youth group. I’m not sad about her passing. I think I did a lot of my grieving for her last year. I’m just glad she’s at peace! and in heaven.

After the funeral I just came home and went to bed. I had such a migraine! I fell asleep about 5pm and woke up about 8pm, had some toast for dinner as I was still feeling a bit icky. Watched T.V for a bit, then fell back to sleep at 10pm and had a fab 12 hours sleep!

Went and had my hair bleached and coloured this morning. I have taken a picture, but you can’t really see as the purple is dark, but looks fab and should wash out to a lighter purple. 

Stayed out most of the day as I was feeling so tired and a bit poorly, I think I maybe coming down with a cold *sigh* So I hung out at the advice centre for a bit, and looked about in town.

I met up with the lady that took Simba, just to get my cat carry box from her. We chatted about how lil man is getting on, and she said he’s doing really well! and he’s not peed on the floor ONCE! So proud of him! She showed me a picture of Simba snuggled up with her bf, was sooooo cute! They are going to get him chipped soon so they can let him out 🙂 He’s already been catching flies and moths in the house hehe lil man! Miss him so flipping much! But I know I have done the right thing. 

Despite everything I’m actually feeling ok! Weird I know….. maybe even a lil manic, but SOOOOOO tired.

 Dee and I at the race for life, that must of been ’07..

 Rich and I, He was another youth worker of mine, although his hair was never that mad! :s

 Me at the hair dressers waiting for my hair to bleach up

Peace out

Tank girl x

 

 

Sad day tomorrow

Had an ok day, went and had my hair cut and my eye brows waxed. It has been raining all day so my joints have been pretty painful. 

I hung out with my brother for a bit, and then come home around lunch time and had a sleep for a few hours, as my head and joints where hurting.

A lady came over this evening to meet Simba. I really liked her, she was really lovely and Simba took to her as well. She asked lots about him, and I asked lots about her. She lives out in the sticks, so Simba will have lots of places to run free! and pee where he likes lol. She will keep in contact with me as well, and send me pictures of lil man, which is really nice. She didn’t bring her cat box with her, but I let her borrow mine as I couldn’t bare to keep Simba for another 2 days for her to come and get him Friday, so I let her take him and she will drop my cat box back to me Friday. 

Seems so quiet no without Simba, that may sound weird but hey I am weird. Least I still have my other 2 babies! Oscar and Marley. Oscar seems to be healing well after his op. 

Dee’s funeral is tomorrow. 1:30pm. I am only going to the church service. *sigh* In the last 6months I have buried 2 people, that’s the same amount that I have buried in my life time! 😥 Life is so cruel!

Peace out

Tank girl x 

Melt down recovered

My melt down continued from yesterday about 6pm till I cried myself to sleep at nearly 1am. By that time of the night I had completely just lost control and I just sat and cried and cried and cried uncontrollably, I could barely breathe. Had to keep trying to calm myself down and regain control of my breathing. But it was so hard. Someone had asked me what is the source of my pain at the moment, and I said the death of my Dad, and that lead to her trying to help me, by saying that I need to accept my dads death, and know that he still loves me and is still with me even though he isn’t here in the flesh. But I’m not ready to accept that he is dead. I know he’s dead I’m not denying that, I mean I went to see his dead body laying in the coffin, it was him. I just don’t want to believe it’s true. Death is so final. I hate the fact that I will never ever see my dad ever again, that hurts like you wouldn’t fucking believe! I don’t want to accept the fact that he’s dead! I’m just not ready yet! It hurts so bad, there are no words to describe just how I feel.

Woke up this morning with such a headache, got up and showered, dressed, had breakfast and took something for my head. Sorted out my rucksack and put my DBT folder in it, and left the flat and headed to get the bus to group.

Group was ok, was nice to be around people and nice to be able to bounce off others as well. After group K and I got a bus, I needed to nip into the council to drop off my proof of address, and then we walked through the park back into town. K took me for lunch bless her, was really sweet of her. We ended up sitting there chatting for a few hours and that was nice too.

Booked in to have my hair bleached and dyed plum/purple just the bit I spike up on the top. So tomorrow I’m going to get my hair trimmed ready for Friday when I have it coloured. I may get some lines put in as well, only if the guy that usually does my hair is in.

Just been sat watching C.S.I on dvd and playing games on facebook, just to pass time away and to try and keep myself awake, as I am mega tired tonight. Trying not to let my head go over and over the melt down I had yesterday, just doing my best to use my mindfulness skills in order to just let these intrusive thoughts pass through my head rather then letting them take over.

It’s 9:35pm and I’ve only just realised that I haven’t eaten dinner yet. I am a little hungry and I can’t go to bed hungry otherwise I won’t sleep well.

Peace out

Tank girl x

Email to my psych!

Hi so Dyllan here.

Thought I would write you an email as clearly words aren’t getting me anywhere, maybe it’s me not saying it clear enough.

I am depressed. A good day is if I get out of bed, an even better day is if I make it onto the sofa, and even better day is if I manage to get a shower and get dressed… I’m sure you get where I am going here. Everyday I force myself to do the smallest of things, like get up, shower, eat e.t.c 
It is such and EFFORT to keep on top of my basic needs, like eating. In the last 6months I can go for a month at a time without eating a proper hot meal, only eating things like toast, soup, just so I have something in my body to keep me going. On the opposite I can go a few days eating loads of rubbish crappy foods. I have put on half a stone! not impressed as I lost 3stone last year, purely because I stopped eating, only ate the minimal amount, that I could get by on each day. I had to stop that though, as I was loosing too much weight and starting to really love how that made me feel! 
I force myself to leave the house even on the days where I don’t have DBT skills group and maths and English on a Thursday. If I didn’t I would just stay in, and I have done. Sometimes I can go a week without leaving the flat and/ speaking to anyone face to face! 
Self harm thought’s are in my head ALL the time! I have only acted once in the last few months, and that only showed me that cutting no longer gives me the feeling it used too… the act needs to be bigger, stronger… Suicide is on my mind so much as well. I just want to be with my DAD! the only member of my entire family I told EVERYTHING too! The only 1 who accepted me for me… no-one else understands.
The darkness within myself is immense! So dark, so deep! my dark passenger is driving me insane. When talking to people and they piss me off, I imagine hitting them over and over and over till they hit the floor but I don’t stop… It’s not happened, but I know there is so much anger raging inside of me, but I just lock it away, just like I do with my feelings! lock it away, and maybe it will stop. It does for a bit, but it always comes back bigger and stronger then before. I want to scream and shout, kick and scream! but it just doesn’t come, I cannot seem to loose control of myself… maybe a good thing. 
The flat only gets cleaned when I have no clothes to wear, or cutlery to use…. 
As long as I get a of food and the cats have food and water and are happy, nothing else matters… 
I am doing my fucking best to keep myself from sinking to the point of no return, but everytime I ask for help or say how I feel. I just get left feeling let down and invalidated! 
I don’t how else I can ask for help. I’m struggling, and I am trying so fucking hard, but I am failing at doing this all alone! 
I don’t hang out with Heidi anymore like we used too. Our friendship for a long time hadn’t been good, it became destructive. Since we have spoken, we are friends, but it can never go back to how we were before,  she is learning to fly and that’s great, I’m still flapping about on the ground. 
I have learnt that all the people that say they are my friend really isn’t cuz they haven’t been there for me. Most of the time I am ALONE apart from Tues and Thurs. I can’t seem to hold down a stable friendship, let alone a relationship. It can’t always be them so I must be an awful person! 
I am trying! I NEED and want help so bad, and I don’t know it what way, because I have no idea what is out there for me to access. I am willing I want the help! Just to be validated in my feelings would be a start! 

So yea… 
Dyllan 

So depressed

HELLOOOO! Yup I’m still here….. 

Day started of well. Didn’t sleep to well last night though, but hey…. 

Woke up, showered and got dressed and ate. It’s been a fucking awful day RAINING! ALL day! URGH! left the house early and took Oscar to the vets. 

Dropped fat boy off, and got the bus back into town. Stopped of at the council and filled out a form so I can soon start finding a new place to move too! by the time I had done that, the vets rang and said Oscar was ready! 

Made my way back to the vets, and despite them saying he was ready I still waited ages for them to get him for me. He was not a happy boy lol, and he looked so cute and sleepy. Took lil fat boy home, and made us all some lunch. He was only allowed rice, but did he eat it?! did he FUCK! lil sod. 

Met up with the friend I feel out with. We both are going to the same funeral on Thursday so we thought it best to meet before so nothing was awkward on the day. We just went for a hot chocolate. It wasn’t weird at all, just felt like we had never fallen out… well we had decided a while ago to start talking and stuff, but things between us won’t go back to how it was, because it wasn’t a healthy friendship and things have evolved for the better. But after this meeting, it made me feel very angry and depressed all at once, not because seeing her or whatever was bad, but because it reinforced the fact that she was my only TRUE friend. Everyone else just pretends…. empty words.. I literally have NO friends, no1 hangs out with me, they only say they will. Am I such a bad person, that no1 wants me around?! Why can’t I hold a good friendship/relationship down?! it must be me! It can’t be the other people ALL the time….. I’m just so confused, sad, lonely, depressed! I’m not sure how much longer or louder I can scream for help, maybe I’m not being clear enough…. maybe I should email my p-doc…. easier then talking to him and being invalidated there and then! Keeping so many emotions bottled inside, I need to explode and let them out, but I don’t know how, and I don’t know why I hold myself back so much! I just want this internal pain and hurt to end! but I don’t know how. I just miss my dad so bad, life seems so pointless without him! 

Peace

T.G

Starting to feel better :)

Today I woke up early, but did’t know what to do with myself, so i forced myself back to sleep. I just wasn’t ready to be up and to face the world just yet.

I forced myself to get up, showered and dressed and I left the house. Just kind of wondered about town aimlessly for a bit. I then decided to get on a bus to Bournemouth. The whole way there I was debating about whether or not to see a film… all the way there I was undecided.

I got to my destination, wandered about town for a while…. I then finally decided to go see a film. It was a toss up between The cabin in the woods or The pirates in and adventure with scientists. I decided to go for the 1st…. Was an ok film, the plot confused me a bit, but hey is wiled away an hour or so.

Got straight back on a bus home after the film, with the thought in mind that I was going to clean up.

I got home and I did start to clean up, but as I started so many ideas started popping into my head… about the things I could sell, things I need to throw away e.t.c But I just did what needed doing otherwise I would of made my job bigger then it needed to be right that moment lol. Made dinner as well. After all my jobs were done I sat down to chill out.

Got to get up early tomorrow, go to take Oscar to the vets to have his lil furry balls off! hehe poor lil man!

This boi I have been talking to has got under my skin! in my head! it’s crazy! I haven’t felt like this in so long…. It feels amazing! He is planning on coming to see my next Sunday! and I really cannot wait! I can’t stop smiling, I can’t get him out of my head. I’m trying not to get swept up in it all, trying to keep myself grounded.

Peace out

Tank girl x

Mixed times

Been a busy week, but a good 1, have had things to do which has been good.

Booked Oscar in at the vets to get his furry balls off lol. But the vet told me he’s over weight :s He weights 5kg lol he’s only meant to weight 3kg for his age! So they are all on a diet until further notice.

Someone added me on fb the other day…. and we have been talking loads ever since. He was born a girl, but is currently transitioning, but he only wants rid of his top half, and doesn’t want bottom half surgery. So yea he’s trans f-m. Doesn’t bother me in the slightest, he’s really sweet young too but hey age is but a number. He really wants to come visit me, I can’t wait. Get butterflies in my when he txts me, it’s weird, not felt like this about anyone for ages. So yea am feeling happy about that. I have explained about all my mental health and physical health issues, and about my dad passing and stuff, and he is so understanding about it, it’s really great 🙂 

Dee’s funeral is on Thursday 26th. I have decided to only go to the church service, I don’t want to go to the crem, as it is at the same place I went for my dads funeral. Feeling ok about it all I suppose. Just sad I have to say goodbye to another great person in my life. 

Over the last few months since I have stopped hanging out with a friend, I have come to realise that she was my only true friend, the only one that actually bothered to hang out with me. Everyone else just say’s there going to meet up with me e.t.c but never follow up on what they say, and I’m done with chasing after others. So I have come to learn to like my own company. Sometimes it sucks, but hey it’s life. Me and my friend are talking again, which is cool, as it would of been a shame just to leave a friendship at “I’m done” It will never got back to how it was, I don’t expect it too. It needed to move on, we had grown apart, after all these years. Times change an so do people.

Still getting through my C.S.I box set’s lol! On season 6 now 🙂

Peace out

Tank girl x

Another angel lost to heaven x

Thank you so much for your kind and inspiring words you 2 🙂 It’s not until today have I been able to really appreciate them, as I am calm now about the whole situation.

I had some sad news on Sunday. My youth worker passed away peacefully in her sleep 15/4/12 at 9:20am. Dee was such an amazing person, my words won’t do her justice at all. She fought the cancer all the way! but she finally let go on Sunday, now she is with the angels and no longer in pain, as she has been for such a long time. I can totally empathise with her 2 children, S she is 22 and J he is 24. I know how painful it is to loose a parent. I hope they are both able to carry on and make their mum proud. I’m sure they will as they are great people. I just don’t get why the good people always seem to get taken from our lives, yet the assholes are still fucking here! but hey, I suppose that’s all part of the bigger picture and all…. I love you Dee, you will be missed so much, earth has lost a true angel, but now your heaven’s gain! I’m glad you are now at peace and pain free. I feel truly blessed to of had to great pleasure to have known you, worked with you, and had you as my youth worker. You were always too good for this world. ❤

I’ve slowly cleaned up a very messy flat! over the last 2 days, just done it bit by bit. Feel better for it, but it’s just been such an effort! 

Oscar is booked in for the vets on Wednesday for a check up to see if he’s ok to get his big furry balls off lol! I also need to ask about Simba and his habit of peeing on the floor… He has done it since he was about 6months old, BEFORE he was neutered. I have tried LOADS of stuff and he still does it, and I’m looking to move house, and I really don’t want to take him to a new place if he is gunna keep peeing on the carpet, cuz it is incredibly hard to clean and get the smell out. If the vets can’t help him, I’m sadly going to have to turn him over to cats protection to see if they can rehome him, because I need to clean the carpet before I leave this flat. *sigh* I love Simba so much! but I can’t cope with his bad peeing habit 😦 

I have my English exam tomorrow evening. I’m quite looking forward to it actually, this week is all back to normal, with classes and the exam e.t.c I have really struggled over the 2 weeks half term the kids had off, as I was SO freaking bored! and SO lonely and depressed! Going back to my English exam, I must remind myself not to finish it in 15-20mins flat lol because I will still have to sit there for the whole hour! 

Physically – Feeling a bit out of sorts, just a dull aching all over, dry cough, tooth ache, headaches, just blah! 

Mentally – I’m just feeling numb, depressed, but pushing through. What I REALLY need is to be given HOPE! that everything will be fine, and I can move on, from everything that has happened. I’m feeling less suicidal then I was, so that’s a good thing! 

Well that’s all for right now, as it is 2am! Insomnia strikes YET another night! *sigh*

Peace out

Tank girl x

I give up

P-doc was a waste of time. Even though he is head of psychiatry he was useless. Not seen him in over a year, he had obviously not read my notes. He didn’t know about my dad. I had 20mins to catch him up on my life.

The only 2 helpful things he is going to do it, write me a letter to the council to help me move, and chase up DBT. That’s it. 

He said I’m just watching my life pass me by. I’m more then capable. I should be doing more then I am, and that things like a bipolar relapse and my dad dying is a part of life, bad things happen. I’m not depressed.

In 20mins he belittled EVERYTHING I have done over the last year! My continuing work doing maths and English, going to this DBT skills group thing. He’s has no fucking idea how hard it is just to get out of bed each day! 

No one will ever feel the pain I’m feeling right now, I am so fucking angry and hurt it’s unreal! and not 1 single professional seems to recognise the turmoil I am in, how much PAIN I am in, how much is has taken my just to still fucking be alive right now! I sure as hell don’t want to still be here! What the fuck do I have to live for?! NOTHING! 

I just give up, why bother going and talking to anyone about this?! makes no fucking difference! 

I give up.

Peace out

T.

Faking my way…

So I managed to fake it through Easter Sunday. I actually left the house as well!

I woke up at about 9:30am after only going to sleep at about 5am. After I have been lazing about for the last I don’t know how many days, I just got out of bed and started cleaning up! And I did 2 loads of washing.

After I had a shower and got dressed, I had lunch. But cuz I’m stupid, I didn’t eat before I started to clean up, so I felt a bit shaky and sick when I was eating my lunch. But had a little rest and felt a bit better. 

Decided to go out for a walk. Ended up in Poole park, where they had an Easter fare. It wasn’t very big, not as good as years before. I saw some VERY cute baby duckies 🙂 I fed some ducks too, went to see the Easter animals they had in the corner of the park. Bought a yummy cookie, and took a nice walk round the lake. 

Got back home and had a bit of a rest, watching more C.S.I Vegas! 

For the 1st time in a month, maybe more. I actually cooked myself a proper dinner! I had cheesy mash, steak, peas and onion gravy. Was yummy and very much needed. 

Just on the sofa watching C.S.I Vegas. Managed to at least make it look like I’m am living my life, rather then just going through the motions and trying to survive. Just empty full of nothing. I can’t believe it’s nearly 6months since my dad left this world 😦 feels like only yesterday, but time has passed so quick.

I hope you are ok dad, where ever you are. Love you more the life itself ❤

Peace out

Tank girl x