AGITATED!

Not feeling so great.

Not slept well in about a week, but feels like forever…

Working so hard to move forward, but inside I just can’t….. Portraying the “me and my life” that people want me to be/do e.t.c but non of it is how I feel inside.

I’m angry, I’m hurt, I’m lost, I’m depressed with only bursts of mania/delusions to make it bare able….. 

I miss my dad

I can’t sleep because I just want to cut so bad and it’s driving me totally insane!

I’m agitated like fuck! But no point ringing the crisis team only to be told to do DBT skills that I am just beyond the point of being able to use effectively, no point going to a&e only to sit there for hours for them to do nothing…. 

Hands feel all crazy and tense and weird, I just wanna chop em off, there annoying me!  

WHY AM I NOT ON MEDICATION!!!!!! I’m proud I got his far with no meds BUT it’s been a fucking struggle! I been fighting for my life, and I’m getting tired! Just waiting for that high again….. 

Peace out

Tank girl x

Life coaching session

Life coaching session went well this afternoon, although some bits were a bit uncomfortable but I did it. I had to stand and A.R talked me through what we were doing. The room was the landscape of my mind, I pointed to where my past, present and future was. I indicated where my family and friends were, how far or how close. She talked my through to different points of my life, to look at the situation, feel how I felt then, gather all the information from that situation, talk to my self of that time. Advise myself, and/or take something from that situation… E.t.c It was really good, but it was hard to look at my younger self and past situations, but it was good. Not sure yet what I gained from the exercise, but I’m sure I have gained something, my conscience mind may just not be aware of yet.

The point of it is to change the instant responses to situations that your brain has on an un-conscience level (refer to a biosocial model) It’s hard to write it out properly, but I will put up a pic I got online, it’s not that clear but you will hopefully get what I am trying to say.

Had a good day, saw a few friends, got a few things at the shop. I made myself tuna pasta bake for dinner, was really yummy! I am not sat relaxing in my dinosaur pjs watching C.S.I. I got marley snuggled up next to me being all cute.

I have math class in the morning, so going to try and get an early night. Counselling tomorrow evening, we are going to do some grievance work. Mixed feelings about it, I know it will be hard, but I know it’s all for the greater good of my future.

 My mind map of my life as it is right now

Peace out

Tank girl x

 

best day!

I FEEL amazing and I’ve had a brilliant day 🙂

DBT skills group this morning went well! I struggled with mindfulness though, but I am getting there! 

After group I went out with one of the other group members K. We caught the bus to Bournemouth and headed straight to a shop called Primark, and I tried on and bought a DINO ALL IN ONE SLEEP SUIT! (I will put up pics) EEEK soo HAPPY! Then we spent ages in a shoe shop and I bought some Batman Converse high tops 😀 and K bought 2 pairs of trainers as well. We then went and sat and had some lunch 🙂 and after lunch we went to see Dark shadows at 3pm and it was a BRILLIANT film! I LOVE Tim Burton and Johnny Depp! 

On the bus home a crazy drunk man came and sat next to me and K! He was hilarious! telling me that people were following him, and that he worked for 006 1/2 He was harmless but possibly psychotic… and delusional! haha. 

Got some chips from the chippie on the way home! I am now full and chilling in my dino suit 😀 

I have also decided I am ready to scatter my dads ashes, but I have told everyone I want to decide when and where as I got no say over the funeral and I really need to do this, and I know in my heart dad would want me to do it. I have decided I want to scatter his ashes down in baiter (will show you a pic) It’s not too far from me and it’s such a lovely place as well, and I want to do it on Sunday 3rd June as dads birthday is 1st of June and dad died on a Sunday. I think this is how my dad would of wanted it. I’m not sure about the finer details. I think I may get my dads brother to speak (the 1 that the bitch didn’t let speak at the funeral) and anyone else who wants to say something.

Pics! 

 Baiter where I want to scatter my dads ashes

Peace out

Tank girl x

 

 

 

Be positive! Life is too short! x

Life is so precious and goes so fast. Don’t waste this opportunity to be the best that you can! When I was a lil kid I used to think that it would take forever to be a grown up. Now I am 27yrs old and I know that life is just going by faster and faster each year! Grab life by the horns and LIVE! 🙂 ♥ x Life is not a rehearsal, you only get 1 shot! x

Despite the rain I have had a nice start to the week. I woke early (didn’t sleep too well last night) chilled out, had breakfast and watched t.v. I showered and dressed, then went and got a few bits at the shops. I met up with S and we came back to my place for a bit and watched the Simpsons 🙂 then she had to leave for work.

I was feeling tired this afternoon, and ended up having a nap. After my nap, I had chicken korma for dinner, which was yummy! Cleaned up the kitchen, did 2 loads of washing, and I gave the cats and myself a shower. They really needed 1! But they now hate me lol. 

I’m feeling proud of myself for keeping up with the house work, it may seem such a small everyday thing to most people, but to me it’s a massive achievement! 🙂

Feeling really positive, despite having a few knocks this weekend. I was able to brush them off, use my DBT skills, and move on, which is another big achievement for me, as I have a terrible habit for dwelling on situations and letting my emotions take over and make it bigger then it really is. DBT has been such a life changing therapy for me this time over! I can’t rave about it enough.

Got DBT skills group in the morning and I’m really looking forward to it. After group I am going to see Dark Shadows with one of the woman from group. I really can’t wait! I first need to go to a shop, and get the dino all in one sleep suit I saw 🙂 I’m such a child hehe but I don’t care! 

Looking like this week is going to be good! I hope everyone else has a great week as well 🙂

 Oscar and I in bed 🙂

Peace out

Tank girl x

 

Great Saturday x

 Met up with my mom today, and surprisingly it was a really nice day! and now I am so tired, even though I had a nap when I got home lol.

Mom took me to have pizza for lunch, then we went for a walk in the gardens and down to the beach.  Bumped into my brother which was cool. We sat on the beach for a while, I went into the sea, only my feet though was FREEZING! I built some sand castles and dug a hole, I was trying to reach Australia but didn’t quite make it 😀 Was really nice just chilling out on the beach. The sun kept going in and I was getting a bit bored, so we had a little look around a few shops and I found a dino all in one adult sleep suit! IT’S SOOOO COOL! but I didn’t have enough pennies, but when I get paid on Tues I am SOOOO getting me 1 >.< hehe

Had a nap when I got home, I was soooo tired! been watching C.S.I all night, it’s now just gone 10pm and I’m all snuggled up on the sofa, but I’m going to bed soon. Had jam on toast for dinner as I was still full from lunch. 

Over all still feeling really good. Got S coming over tomorrow to hang out 🙂

 my mom and bro

Peace out

Tank girl x

Feeling great!

Feeling good 🙂 

Doxycycline is working and I’m starting to feel loads better already. 

Off to meet my mom for lunch tomorrow…. That should be exciting! 

The boi I have been talking to has been a bit distant with me…. I’m sure he has his reasons. Just a little frustrating. 

Cat’s and rat are all doing great! I love my little family, we may not be a perfect lil family but they are mine 🙂

For the 1st time in a long time I am excited about what the future has in store for me! I’m changing so much now and it’s great, I want to be the best person I know I can be! I want to make my dad proud!

What we are made of never changes, but who we are is always changing ~ to quote Gil Grissom ~ C.S.I 

Peace out

Tank girl x

Am I crazy?!

On doxycycline again for my viral infection! I hope it goes soon. 

Saw M.R, I was referred to her from my counsellor and she is going to do some life coaching stuff with me. I can’t remember everything she told me about what we are going to do, but I will get her to either write it down or whatever to I can write more here and give the info to my p-doc. We did however do a mind map of what are the main issues in my life at the moment! So more about that when my brain is being more useful lol!

Ok so I have been talking to another PLM user about this but I thought I would bring it up as it’s something I think about a lot, and was just wondering if it was weird or whatever… and just wanted peoples opinion on whether its a bipolar thing or what!

So here’s the thing… Sometimes in like a facebook status I refer to myself as tank girl, like in the 3rd person. For example I would maybe put “Time for bed for this tired tank girl” stuff like that. Sometimes the thoughts of tank girl and batman just take over my mind, and sometimes I think I am tank girl and batman, which one depending on how I feel. The thoughts just take over my head loads, and tank girl and batman is all I can think about… Is this weird? 

Sometimes I also really believe that I am more intelligent then everyone! Like dumb people really fuck me off!

Peace out

Tank girl x

PLANS! :)

Had DBT skills group this morning, I had to DRAG myself out of bed and to the bus lol, but as the session got started I got more energised as I was able to bounce off everyone. The new girls were more chatty this week, which was great! At the end of group I was chatting with DR whitty, he’s a p-doc and he is also help to run the DBT skills group, any way we were chatting and he said I did well to sit for 4minutes to do the mindfulness this morning, and I asked if that will help with my concentration, he said yes, which is cool! He also said I may have a touch of A.D.H.D which threw me a bit as over here I thought it was only seen as a childhood illness… But hey things change all the time! So I am going to ask my p-doc about that at my next app, and maybe do some research into it. He said it’s because I fidget and move about loads, and I only concentrate for shot bursts at a time. Would explain a lot I suppose. Would like to hear others opinions…. 🙂

Other then that I haven’t done much today, just been looking after myself really. I came home, and chilled out watching family guy, I had a shower to freshen up, and I made myself dinner. I was going to go out again, but I was just too tired to be bothered really. I did however sat and wrote out my new “plan of action” to take to my next p-doc app, as on my care plans there my goals are old! and have changed somewhat. 

This is my list.

Dyllan’s plan of action 

Get level 2 English –  Done

Get level 2 Maths – Still in progress exam 19th July

Continue with DBT skills group

Start and complete DBT

Look into doing a youth work degree at the open university – to start after DBT is finished

Look into and start voluntary work

Continue counselling with stepforward and work with M.R at the youth hostle (will know more about what I’m doing tomorrow when I see M.R)

Maybe start grievance counselling – Depending on how DBT goes and what they suggest/can offer me

Maybe start meds again to help stable out my moods.

Continue pulling bits together to start writing my own book

To move house

Good plan?! I expect it will change a tad.

So S moved into her new room today. I helped load up my mates car, I didn’t go as her gf is helping her the other end, plus I didn’t want to be home to late as I’m tired. Going to miss having someone else around keeping me company, it’s been real nice having her here.

Mentally doing ok today, got a bit manic and excited at group, I think that’s only because I had people to bounce off. Despite feeling ill I’m still feeling quite good! 

Physically just ill, probably a viral infection and I’m sure I will need anti-biotic’s to get rid! so may need a trip to the docs this week.

Peace out

Tank girl x

Ill but still getting on!

Slept really well last night, was soundo! Think I have a viral infection again. Feel so exhausted and ill. Keep coughing up stuff, throat is sore, joints hurt. Just want to sleep!

Despite feeling ill, I have done some washing, and cleaned up a bit. Just been keeping on top of everything at the moment as there are 2 of us here.

Managed to get someone to help my mate go get the rest of her stuff, and that person is also going to help my mate  S move on Tuesday. She’s staying at her gf’s tonight, so I get the bed all to myself. It’s been really nice having company about.

Moods have been ok today, too tired to be bothered with anything really lol, just been sleeping on and off.

Not really sure what to say tonight…. just fed up of feeling poorly. Missing my dad millions. Love my kitties loads.

 a pic S took of me this morning while I was sparko!

 Jack chilling out 🙂

 Oscar and Marley x

Peace out

Tank girl x

Still a bit scatty…

Been fairly busy recently. A friend of mine had to leave the place she was leaving, I won’t go into the reasons why as it’s not my place. So anyways she has been staying with me since Wednesday and bless her already found herself a new place to live, and she moves in on Tuesday. I’ve had her and her gf staying over as well. It’s been really lovely have them here, nice having the company. 

I passed my level 2 English exam! I am soooo happy! I knew I would pass though, but still a brill confidence boost! 

Moods have been less erratic, but still not as calm as I would like them to be. But hey not much I can do about it. 

Physically I’m ok-ish, still a bit snotty and achy but it’s ok. Just wish it wouldn’t drain me so much

Umm not really sure what else to talk about, just feeling a bit jaded. 

Peace out

Tank girl x