so tired

Good day, I treated myself to a few things. Just been looking after myself really today.

It’s not quite 9pm and I am struggling to keep my eyes open, I am that tired lol. Not going to have a late one tonight. I am thinking of having some jam on toast, take my meds and then go to bed.

Here’s some pics from today 🙂

Peace

T.G

PAIN!

So today hasn’t been so great! 

I have been in absolute agony with every joint from my hips downwards. I rang my bone doctor and spoke to his secretary, and she said she will speak to him about it in the morning, as he doesn’t do Weds there, as he also runs a private clinic. So yea she will either get him to ring me back tomorrow or she will ring me. 

By the evening the pain was so bad I rang out of hours, and they said I can take tramadol and paracetamol along with the diclofenac. The pain has eased a bit now, which is great. It’s so hard not to tense up because of the pain, so been trying as many relaxation techniques as I can, just to settle my muscles as well. 

Going to stay in and rest tomorrow. Hopefully someone will come and fit my new shower door! If not I will not be best pleased. Only got counselling tomorrow so I can rest pretty much all day.

Peace out

Tank girl x

hurt

I’m struggling, and I hurt and I am so fed up of crying. 

I don’t even know what I am holding on to anymore, what is keeping me going.

Maybe the mask I wear everyday is just too good, cuz right now I need help. I have done for months, but no-one has even noticed. I need to let the mask slip, I need to stop being so strong.

I have gone back to that dark place and right now I just want to be with me dad. I want to stop hurting. I can’t do it much longer. I just want it all to stop. I can’t be alone any more.

Fathers day… :(

Happy Fathers day Dad. Miss you and love you even more.

Had an ok day. Never and I went out for a roast and we both had a massive chocolate fudge cake after! lol we were both totally stuffed.

I been feeling a bit weak all day, but it’s my fault as I didn’t eat till we went out for the roast, by which point it was about 2:30pm.

I watched the muppets new movie this afternoon and then had a much needed nap.

Found out through facebook that the rest of the family were at my uncle and aunties house today for a “family bbq” that I wasn’t even invited too.. Nice huh! I give up even bothering with them all! I never get included in anything. Yet my brother does! I don’t get it. Am I such a nasty person that they don’t want me around?! I don’t get it. Whatever I give up.. totally done.

Got reminded yesterday of how judgemental I am… but tbh I couldn’t give a fuck! I know I am! I don’t need to be fucking told!!! 

I feel like hiding away, away from everything and everyone, cuz what ever I do isn’t right… so why bother trying?! 

Just feeling down, missing my dad, so fed up of trying and feeling like I am getting no where… *sigh* Wish I could sleep the days away… that is not a good feeling… I have felt like this before and acted upon it… Just have to try and hold on…

Peace out

Tank girl x

Weird day

So I got sky TV fitted today! So pretty happy about that, getting the rest fitted a week today. 

Fucked off with my housing association… they were meant to send to contractors round to fit my new shower screen… BUT instead someone come that had NO IDEA of what was going on… FUMING! 2months just to fit a new shower screen! IT’S NOT FUCKING BRAIN SURGERY! how the fuck they can mess shit up over and fucking over I have NO IDEA! I HATE living here! but the fucking council have now changed the list, and I am now classed as adequately housed..! SERIOUSLY HATE IT HERE! I mean one of the other people that live here parks her mo-ped in an enclosed space UNDER MY FLAT and makes MY flat STINK of petrol, yet this has to be investigated as to whether or not it is a health and safety issue! I mean REALLY!!!! WHAT THE FUCK! of course its a health and safety issue, it’s a machine with petrol in it, in an enclosed space stinking up my flat making my health worse cuz it makes me cough…monkeys could run it better! URGH!

Feeling tired and flat and in pain with my foot. Just MEH! :/ enjoying watching things on sky I have never been able to watch before. 

 New hat!

 Never attacked me with gel hair paint jazz lmao! 

 Hehehe Oscar with my Kermit bag on lol 🙂

Peace out

Tank girl x

Climbing back up!

Well feeling so much better today. I have been up since 8am cleaning up and stuff, just looking after myself, the animals and the flat! 

I have learnt a few things over the last couple of days. Things that are making me a better person. 

Here are 2 facebook statuses 

Aint gunna let NO bastard grind me down! I deserve the best outta life and damn it I will fucking make sure it happens!

Is learning that some people aren’t worth my head space! 😀 I am LEGAND!

I’m feeling at peace with all my thoughts and actions. I have a clear conscience and have nothing to hide! Feeling at peace with everything is such a nice feeling. I know that I am so much stronger then I ever thought I was capable of being! 

Life has it’s ups and down, and mine are severe. When I’m up I feel invincible and when I am down, I am down in the deep dark depths of my mind. BUT I now know that I am able to get myself back from those highs and lows. I KNOW I can do it! 

 My KERMIT BAG Eeeeeek >.<

 Meeee 🙂

Peace out

A happier Tank girl 🙂 x

 

depressed….

Thank you superchick.

Feeling so depressed. I fucking hate people. Always end up looking like a cunt even though I have done nothing wrong. Being ignored now as well! Why do people feel the need to lie and fuck shit up for others. I fucking hate people! Feel like hiding away in a box and not speak to anyone cuz that way No1 gets hurt….

It’s like I take 1 step forward and about 100 back! I’m just so sick of this shit. I’m fed up of feeling like a lifer! I’m so fucking fed up! 

Self harm urges so strong, to be honest I wouldn’t mind being dead either! Shit I know but just how I feel.

Why do I always end up getting my heart broken and hurt so much?! I’ve done nothing!

I don’t know why I let people make me feel this way. I’m just so done with all the fucking drama, especially as I have done nothing. URGH

😦

Peace out

T.G

Re-connecting

I am so out of touch with what is in that music charts, I have been for years! I’ve been so stuck in my lil world! and it’s not always a good thing. I feel like I have totally lost touch with the “real world” I mean the only thing I have really been in touch with, is films…. but that I suppose is still an “escape” 

I really need to re-connect with the real world as a whole, news, music, films, friends, family! I need to stop pushing everything and everybody away and hold my hands up and say ” I need help” or ” I’m not coping” e.t.c I need to stop being so stubborn and so fucking hard on myself! I am my own worst critic! 

I am working really hard on being less judgemental about people, and learning to keep some of my opinions to myself, but still being true to myself. It’s really hard but I’m working hard! 

I hope to the people that know me, have seen an improvement in my behaviour with them and others. 

Today has been a real mix bag of feelings and I’m not even sure why. This morning I was fine raring to go, had a great time seeing my friend. Then this evening I totally crashed felt so depressed and alone… and suicidal with very powerful self harm thoughts. Then I got on youtube, listening to different songs, and it has lifted me mood up no end. I cannot wait for the quetiapine to get in my system properly and start calming my mood swings down.

I have planned to go away on the 15th-18th just to stay with a friend, that I’ve never met but hey. I need to get away, and I will try anything once. 

Cannot wait to get my sky T.V and broadband to be fitted! 🙂 

Peace out

Tank girl x

Bye dad x

Thank you Zoomer 🙂 

Well today was the day. I think it will be yet another date that will be burned into my mind. 

After initial confusion about where we were all meeting (NOT MY DOING) Just general lack of FAMILY communication as usual! DICKS lol. We all gathered down by the water, no-one really knowing what to do or say. It was all a bit awkward, but that is just how my family are lol, I have learnt that over the last 8months. No-one really wanted to scatter dads ashes, but dads brother Andy was brave enough to do it, and he set dad free onto the shore line. Dads ashes kind of just sank to the bottom lol, and it was low tide, but I’m sure the high tide will help him float out into the big wide ocean. Again there was an awkwardness and we all just stood about a bit. I was playing with Jack and my little cousin Layla we were throwing stones into the water, and Layla was looking for pretty shells.

Feeling totally numb from it all. Just nothing. But after Never and I went to the pub for a nice roast dinner! And after that we went to meet our friend to pick up HARRISON 😀 so chuffed I haven’t seen my friend or my main man for 8months all because some BITCH was spreading shit about what I have supposedly been saying about Harrison and his mummy. But why I would anyway cuz anyone that knows me knows that that little boy is my heart beat, and I have really fucking needed them, but because of some nasty bitch I have missed out on so much. He will be 3 in Sept, and his speech is amazing and he is dry in the day! 🙂 such a big boy now all grown up. I have missed him so fucking much. I have been so lost without him. Took him to buy some sweeties, and looked in a few shops, then never had to go to meet her friend. So Harrison and I went to find him a toy car and to get him noddles for dinner, because that’s what he said he wanted when I asked him lol. We come to my house and watched some films and Harrison played with his new car and ate his sweeties. I did him his noodles for dinner, and he was so tired he fell asleep eating them lol, and it was only 5:30pm. I left him there for a few mins, then got him up and changed into his pjs and night time nappy, and put him in the cot, all without him waking up and he’s been asleep ever since.

Umm….Writers block lol…. Umm… Mentally I think on some levels I have just shut down, to stop myself feeling hurt about everything. So happy I have my lil H man 🙂 Physically not too bad, just really tired but that is just due to a few late nights I’ve had, so I’m not going to late to bed tonight.

Peace out

Tank girl x

Letting go

Been a crazy ass fucking day! I tell you LESBIAN FUCKING DRAMA’s am keeping out of it from now on! I said what needed to be said and am leaving it at that. I just don’t understand why this person is carrying on lying even about the smallest of things. I don’t want to see my friend hurting like I know she is, as I have been there before and it’s horrible. BUT she has to come to her own conclusion about it on her own, I will just be there to support her no matter what, and respect what ever choice she makes.

Saying a final goodbye to my dad tomorrow. I am fucking terrified! I NEED to do it to move on. But I don’t WANT too. But I have to put my want aside and do what I NEED to do. Going to spread his ashes in a place I love to go and sit and think. I just don’t want to let go…It still fucking hurts as if it was yesterday, feels like a cannon ball to the chest! I so hope I’m making him proud.

Well dad, going to be letting go of you tomorrow, going to let you finally spread your wings and fly. I don’t want to let you go. It fucking hurts like hell, it’s still as raw as the day you went. I cannot believe it’s been 8months since I seen you or heard your voice. It’s like a fucking cannon ball to the heart! I hope you will still be with me always and I really hope I am making you proud. I love you with all my heart dad and I always will. I can’t even put into words how much I miss you. I have lost my best friend and my dad. We’ll be together again one day x ❤ love you daddy ❤ x

Peace out

Tank girl x