Running down that dark hole

Well didn’t manage to write about what my GP said yesterday. He took my blood pressure and that is fine. He listened to my chest he said it sounds clear, so no infection. Just to use my inhalers to help. Told him I have been going to the gym and swimming as well. He was quite impressed and as a result he weighed me, I still weight less then last year which is good, but still have a way to go as my BMI is 27 and I want to lose 21lbs. I managed to have a little rant about the p-doc situation and the crisis team. As I got up to leave he said “but you always seem so cheerful” I said Majority of the time it’s fake! He said “oh, why?” Me- Because I have too. He kinda looked sheep-ish and I just said, see you later.

So neverrespected saw my post last night and as a result came to stay with me for the night. Ended up having a good nights sleep. Woke up about 1pm-ish.

Met my Bro and Jack for a bit. He just wanted to do what he wanted to do and I wasn’t really interested, we clashed and went our separate ways. 

Just can’t be fucked to deal with people that are only interested in what they want! Fuck it! 

Commented on a friends status, as her little girl has chicken pox and I mentioned about having a chicken pox party for her, like I did as a kid! Cuz it’s much better to get it when you’re small, anyway her twat of a bf always has something to say and he put dyllan grumpy mills. I just said if you can’t be nice when I comment I just wont fucking bother, as this is not the 1st time he’s had fucking something to say! So I have deleted my friend and said I’m ill can’t be dealing with the bullshit whatever, wanna talk imbox me. All I got was ok! they both can go fuck themselves! 

Still feeling depressed and suicidal… but hey whatever, will just keep faking that smile on my face! People are so fucking blind and don’t notice the difference anyways

The thing that gave birth to me rang today. Just to say she was ill… and I give a fuck WHY! I don’t care you got a little rash and swollen hands and feet. TWAT! 

Just sat feeling angry and depressed watching the opening of the Olympics. Iconic moment. But not very interesting. I will watch a few games, like gymnastics, woman’s football, maybe a bit of the woman’s running. 

Going to the gym and for a swim tomorrow, maybe is will stir up some happy hormones and make me feel a little better. 

I fancy a drink….. But that won’t help this depressive mood! will only exaggerate it.

 Jack Jack looking all grown up with his new hair cut 🙂 Lil man will be 3 in 3 weeks time! Love you loads lil man :’) x

Peace

Dyllan x

Good but tiring day x

Yesterday was a good day. I went out to a few shops with my Auntie (mom’s sister) and my little cousin Layla, who didn’t want me to leave when my auntie dropped me home. But I said to Layla that we would all go swimming soon, she seemed happy with that. 

It was my brothers 25th birthday yesterday. Cannot believe it! Most people think he’s my big brother as he is 6ft 2-3″ and has a receding hair line and grey hairs lol. So we had a get together at my dad’s best friends house. Was a good laugh! I got my Dave a £20 voucher for his fave clothes shop, which he has already spent today lol. 

Got home at about just after 10:30pm.. maybe closer to 11pm. I fed the cats and took my medication and got ready for bed. I watched family guy for a bit as I was waiting to feel sleepy….but that didn’t happen till god knows what hour, I just felt sick, dizzy and so cold! Every time I got warm and I moved I’d go so cold again! I’ve been feeling like this on and off for a few weeks. I think it maybe the side effects of the quetiapine… but I have had 2 chest infection in the last month…So it maybe due to my WG or the side effects of the quetiapine… But I think I need a GP appointment to see what he thinks. Today is the last day of anti-biotic’s so they clearly haven’t done too much lol.

I woke up this morning about 9:30am for some reason, seeing as I didn’t get to sleep till gone 2am! I was shattered, so woke up and had some breakfast and watched t.v for a bit. I had a nap for about an hour from about 11:30am – 12:30pm. 

After I woke up I decided to go for a swim :). I walked there and was puffed out before I’d even got in the pool lol. But I got changed and got in the pool. I was in there swimming about for about 30-40mins. I decided to a timed length of the pool, as they have clocks you can time yourself by. It took me 35 seconds to do 1 length! It nearly killed me but I did it lol! I liked just swimming about and floating about 🙂 

So I after my swim I decided to go to the shop to spend my £75 voucher! I got cleaning stuff, cat food and food for me 🙂

I am so tired now lol. But I still need to clean up a little as I have someone coming over to survey the flat to see what else needs fixing! I think after I have cleaned up a bit, I will have a shower and get to bed. Going to go swimming again tomorrow 🙂 Can’t wait!

Peace 

Tank girl x

Me, myself and I

Well today has been a good day, although I have been on the edge of tears all fucking day, for no reason! I hate those days cuz any thing sets me off..

So today I woke up at like 6:30am… No idea why! But then I did have an early night. I felt tired again about half hour later, so I went back to bed till like 9am.

Got showered and dressed and had breakfast. Rang up the people I was getting my oven from and asked for a rough delivery time and they said it wont be till after 2pm which was FAB! which meant I didn’t have to have anyone be at the flat while I went to see a movie.

Well today was the day that I saw Batman – Dark Knight Rises. OMG it was fucking amazing! I cried at the end and in several over parts lol…stupid tearful day! But OMG I’m hopefully going to see it again next week! I am in love with anne hathaway who played cat woman and played her very well, best one so far! I am just so in awe of these films, they have an amazing story line, even better actors…. shame about heath ledger though! The best Joker EVER! I love batman, nearly as much as I love tank girl 🙂

So I got home around half 2 3pm and just chilled out. The blokes came to deliver my new cooker around 5pm-ish. They were kind enough to take my old one away no extra charge! which was lovely of them. I’m still however totally FUCKED off with the fact that I had to settle for a cooker I wasn’t that keen on… in other words I wanted 1 with a separate oven and grill.. My new one has the oven and grill all in one 😦 I fucking HATE change. I feel like such a spoilt brat moaning about not getting what I want! But What I want and what I NEED are too different things! I need to let go of the anger about the situation, but it’s really hard. I just wish I had the money to get what I wanted and not have to worry about anything! *sigh* But the cooker and I have made friends this evening and I made some fairy cakes 🙂 So I have a little bit made my peace with it… I just despise having to settle for things and not getting what I want…. again with the brat-ish attitude but that is who I am! I am working on that part of myself lol.

I received my paper work for starting DBT (properly at the centre, rather then the skills group I currently attend) So my 1st appointment is the 8th of August. Start before August my fucking ass lol! But hey, so I have to fill out all these bullshit questions to send back to them and I came across this dumbass question…Do you hear voices that other people don’t? HOW THE FUCK AM I MEANT TO KNOW! If I hear voices surely I would think they are real and assume that others hear the same thing…. DOUCHEBAGS! and these people are meant to be teaching us skills… *sigh* this world really confuses the shit out of me! but yea so they are pretty much all filled out. So will post tomorrow.

Busy day tomorrow! My auntie (mom’s sister) is picking me up to go shopping for a bit. The my other auntie and uncle (dad’s bother and wife) are going to pick me up at 2:30pm to go round G’s place to celebrate my lil bro’s 25th birthday! So should be a good day…. G has spoken to me today saying we miss you, we must meet up more often… all I heard was BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT! His excuse was work…. yet they still see my bro and his gf most weekends and are always booking fucking holidays together! So yea BULLSHIT! I mean my bro can only afford to go on holiday out of this country is cuz his gf brings in all the money my bro is on job seekers! So yea am pretty fucked about that! G and his husband have enough money to go on 3-4 holidays a year! But can’t spare the money to help me re-new my passport and take me away! Would be fucking nice for the offer, seeing as they said at my dad’s funeral that they would look after ME and my bro… but atm just all seems to be revolved about my brother as fucking usual! Everyone helps him out! No-one helps me! Yet I am the one with physical and mental health issues! Go FUCKING figure! URGH! Just confirms my hate towards most people at the moment. I am getting myself through this episode…. I’m still not well but hey! the professionals clearly don not give a fuck, so I am never relying on them again! I will get through it myself…. If I happen to harm or kills myself in the process then that’s life really! RELY ON NO FUCKER!!!! cuz NO fucker is ever fucking there when it really counts. I have decided not to tell friends anything about how I feel, what’s the point? no-one gives a shit and no-one is ever there where it really matters. So me, myself and I from now on! Oh and my furry babies of course

So yea! I am full of fucking rage! It’s extremely hard to let go of, but FUCK I have been screwed over left right and fucking centre lately! It’s clear I don’t have any friends my age that are fucking half decent… the Olympic torch event made that fucking clear! Family have never been there, so they never get told anything. I need to protect myself and look after me and my well being, because NO-ONE else is are they! That is very fucking clear! So yea this tank girl is gunna make it on her own if not I will fucking well die doing my fucking best….TBH right now death seems like a fantastic option.. but it is a bit of a cheats way out…. Hmm for now I ill fight alone and see where it takes me… and hope I die trying somehow, just for the release of the pain I am put through emotionally and physically!

Peace

T.G x 

Feeling more settled

I’m feeling a little better today. I first woke up at about 11:30am, I had something to eat and drink and talked to a friend for a bit. My head was really hurting, maybe due to lack of sleep, as I’d only fallen asleep about 4:45am. So I went back to bed a little after 12pm and woke up at 3pm. So I got up and got dressed and went out.

I went to a shop and got a drink and a true crime magazine, was interested in what is was like. Will read it a bit later. I then spent the rest of the afternoon sitting in a shop talking to my friend T, she is so lovely and old enough to be my mum but she’s great! Shame she is straight though lol. She has spent time in a mental hospital when her children where much younger, as she suffered with anorexia, but she is all recovered now and doing great. I mean she will always have the tendencies of the illness, but no-one can say you are ever truly “cured”.

I came home about 6pm, looking like a drowned rat, as it decided to piss it down as I left the shop lol! I did the washing up and actually made some dinner. Two dinners in 3days is not too bad 🙂 I ate, then cleared out the kitty litter and took the rubbish out and just cleaned up a little bit.

Going to do some mindfulness in a bit, going to do some colouring. I might play with my legos too 🙂 I am also going to do some practice math Questions as I have my level 2 maths exam in the morning o_O Eeeek! 

Fairly busy day tomorrow. I have my maths exam at 10pm, then I think I will go and talk to my math tutor and explain why I wasn’t in class last week, also ask if she got the email I sent the other week. I have counselling at 2pm! It is very much needed as my counsellor has been on holiday for two weeks. Then I’ve got life coaching at 3:30pm.

Mentally I’m feeling a little more levelled out then I was yesterday.Yesterday I was so emotional and so depressed and all over the place. I cannot wait for this new dose of quetiapine to kick in and settle everything down. I am also not liking the anxiety, but I am being strong and I am fighting it. If I am out and I feel anxious I stay and fight it out, just keep doing my DBT breathing exercises and just keep strong. I will beat it!

Physically not too bad. I just wish we had more sunny days then rainy days. It’s meant to be our summer lol! Chest infection is feeling a bit better already. Arthritis is fairly painful due to the damp weather. But I am thinking of going swimming Friday if my chest continues to get better. 

Peace 

Tank girl x

depressed

So group was kinda ok today, just kind of went did it and left! I spoke to one of the therapist’s who is also the p-doc I had asked to see rather then my current twat of a p-doc. So he went on about a load of shit that I didn’t really understand, then he said he can’t take me on due to personal reason’s between him and my current p-doc… So wait I get stuck with my twat cuz you 2 got beef?! GREAT! thanks for you lot putting my best interest at heart. So yea I didn’t really understand the conversation… I’m not sure if thats me being a retard or he just chatted shit.

Spent a few hours catching up with my mate Z who I bumped into on the bus back into town from therapy. 

Went and got myself some shorts and t-shirts for the gym. I however failed on finding trainers for the gym… so my converse shoes are going to have to do. 

I rang up asda-online for the 3rd time! about where the fuck the oven was that I ordered 2 weeks ago!!!!! The poor bloke on the phone bore the brunt of my anger and frustration. So my money is going to be re-funded. That’s going to take from 5-10 fucking days! and then they gave me a £10 voucher I can only spend online! Like I am going to do that TWATS! They couldn’t even deliver a fucking new cooker! So I think I will ring again tomorrow and see if they can rush my money through as I am fucking skint now! FUCK YOU BIPOLAR FUCKING SPENDING!!! and see if I can have an actual £10 voucher I can spend in the actual shop!

OMG!!! Shock fucking horror! I actually got an invite to a “family” event! It’s my brothers 25th on Saturday and my dads best mate G is having a get together for my brother at their house. So yea fuck they actually remembered I’m still alive!

I went to take out the rubbish earlier and the girl that owns the moped, the same one I made a fuss about as it was in the bike shed below my flat… Yea that situation. Anyway she was with a group of her mates as I came out of the lift and as my back was turned and she was getting into the lift she shouted “grass” at me…I mean I wasn’t even being a grass, I was just standing up for my rights and having a moped that contains petrol within an enclosed space is called a health and safety issue! Fuck I mean what a retard! at least have the bollox to say something to me when we are face to face and both alone! Fucking stupid fat twat! 

Not feeling good at all today. I feel so fucking depressed, I can’t cope! Tbh I just don’t even want to be alive, this feels like a fucking living hell! nothing is going right, I am always alone. Nights are the worst. Fighting this fucking anxiety which I haven’t had to deal with in years! I just feel like I’m fighting everything left right and centre. I’m tired, I give in! I actually don’t know how much more of this fucking bullshit I can take!

Peace

T.G x

Poorly again x

Yesterday I went to see one of my best friends, who I have known for about 4yrs. She’s my fave lil goth girl. I hung out with her for a few hours. Just sat and chatted had a laugh 🙂 Hope to go see her again soon. 

On the bus home from seeing my friend I hugged my back-pack and fell asleep lol and woke up when the bus stopped at the bus station, got off the bus and got myself KFC for dinner, walked home with it as I don’t live too far.

As soon as I walked through my front door I stripped off to my boxers, set my laptop back up, put a pj top and and settled on the sofa with my KFC. I ate most of it. 

It got to 7:30pm and I was struggling to keep my eyes open, I was feeling really ill, chest hurt, ears hurt and every single joint killed. So I took my pain killers and all my other medication and went to bed. I woke up once at about 10pm just to pee and was only awake for like half hour, then slept right through till 9am this morning. So yea I am definitely ill lol! I am still feeling really rough and tired now.

I had the mental health social worker come see me this morning… I’m not entirely sure why he came lol. He asked how I was and that and I told him my mood swings have settled a bit, but I’m more depressed then manic at the moment, but that’s easier to manage. I told him how un-happy I was with the treatment of the crisis team and how un-happy I was with the day hospital and that was is really. He was here for about 20mins and I’m still a little confused as to why lol.

I got my discharge notes through the post today, made for interesting reading lol.

My current risk – Harm to self, harm to others, harm from others, accidents, other risks are all low. 

Medium term –  Harm to self is significant 

My current risk on most of them should be significant…. But obviously they know me best… JOKE!

Got to pick up my anti biotic’s later today. I’m just going to chill out till then. I’m too tired and too achy to go anywhere.

Peace

Tank girl x

Do what you gotta do!

So after a week of being cut off from my contract on my mobile, I finally got reconnected today. I had about 8 txt messages to reply to lol! 

I woke up this morning with every intention of going to my maths class…. I woke up half hour early so it was 7:30am, so I caught up on my txt messages. I had a shower and got dressed. I went into the lounge, turned on the laptop, got a drink and made some toast. As I was waiting for the toast I came over feeling a bit weird. I felt really tired and dizzy, so I went and sat down with my toast. I didn’t manage to eat it though as I just pretty much passed out! But I was just thinking that I know why I have been feeling a bit weird all day. I think it’s because I haven’t taken my medication properly since Monday… I have only been taking my 400mgs of quetiapine every night. So I think I am rattling off the steroids and my other medications… I will start taking them again properly Monday when I will do my pill box up for the week. 

Not done much today, went and got a few bits from the shop, played like 3 hours of lego batman, had dinner and cleaned up.

The tip of my thumb has been numb all day… it’s such a weird feeling! 

Mentally I suppose I’m ok… I have decided to take care of my needs by any means how, whether it be good or bad, I honestly don’t care! As long as the cats and I are happy that is all that matters right now! If I have to self harm then so be it. It’s not like I have any support now is it?! People suck ass. I’ve gone back to liking my own company rather then wanting/needing to be around others. I can actually say I am happy to be alone right now and I am pleased to say I have been single for nearly a year, which is very unlike me. But I usually get into relationships and it gets deep really quickly and I always end up getting hurt… so maybe its a good thing that I am still single! 

Peace out

T.G x

rapid cycling!

So my mood has been all over the fucking place today! Severely depressed the start of the day, majorly fucked off and angry! 

Watched a few films, cleaned up, did a load of washing, cleaned out the kitty litter. Got some chips fordinner, but wasn’t really hungry, but knew I had to eat something! 

After I cleaned up and had a lovely shower, my mood picked up a little.

I just spent 3 and half hours playing lego batman! it’s a great stress buster! kicking the shit outta stuff and exploding stuff! Spent loads of time on one bit only to google it to find out that that part of the game has a glitch lol! So I called it quits, cuz will have to start that level all over!

It’s 11:30am and I gotta be at math class at 9:30am… So better get my ass to bed and try and sleep! 

Starting to feel mega angry again… and there isn’t even a reason behind it… I am sick of this rapid cycling! *sigh* 

Well meds and bed for this tank girl!

Peace

T.G

 My lego figures 😀

 Me in my Iron Fist Tank girl tee 😀 it’s a bit pink for me but I fucking 

1st proper day at the day hospital….

Well the day hospital was a pile of shit! It took an hour just to go and collect everyone! Got there at 11am, people had tea and that. We did an hour session we did a wheel thing where we had to indicate where we are and how happy we are with things, then we had to set a goal for the week. It was a fucking pointless exercise as they didn’t take our work in… and if we didn’t want to keep it they would shred it… So I didn’t really get the point of why we did it in the 1st place, then they did guided imagery, by this time I was bored and agitated so I didn’t take part in that wank! We then had a fucking HOUR for lunch, which just made me even more agitated as it was so fucking boring! We then did an hour of fucking arts and crafts! I mean really wtf I’m not 5! I sat and did fuck all! I was too fucking agitated to do anything! We left for home at 3pm…. 4 fucking pointless hours! all it did was made me even more agitated and did I get a med review….. Did I fuck!!!!!! I have to speak to my psych about that! WASTE man! 

1st day at the day hospital

So it was my 1st day at the day hospital today and as it was Sunday there was only 2 other patients and 2 nurses. We made cakes, had lunch, decorated cakes, played charades, but the 2 other patients were men and clearly depressed so it was just me and the 2 nurses playing! I was a bit bored with that game! After that we went for a 30min walk. We got back and then 1 nurse took the other 2 patients home and nurse Nikki took me home.

Came home and crashed out as I’d only had 6hours sleep. Only crashed out for like an hour. Had a sandwich and a cake. 

Now just trying to chill! Got the day hospital again tomorrow and I am hoping to have a med review so I can have more then fucking 6mgs of diazepam a day! Yea it’s addictive but I don’t give a fuck!

All I can think of right now for some reason is cutting…. Hmmm 

Peace 

T.G