I tried….

So I tried to go for a swim, but only managed 20mins. Whoever said swimming was good for your joints totally lied lol, mine were hurting so bad after 10mins! I think it was a combo of lukewarm water and the swimming itself. So yea I tried lol! 

Just rested all afternoon, wasn’t feeling up to doing anything else. Hook was on T.V so I watched that, was going to have a nap, but just didn’t happen. I pretty much cried all the way through Hook, just got real emotional and not even sure why! weird!

Feeling a lot fed up of being in so much pain all the time, it’s really getting me down, having to pop pills every four hours, just to be able to feel a little more comfortable. Some of the meds are giving me real bad heart burn so am living off gaviscon! I just want to feel better! 

It’s just such hard work dealing with the physical pain and the emotional pain, just not sure where I am with it all you know… 

I start DBT on Wednesday my 1st proper 1:1 am so excited! 

 me chilling 🙂

 me new pillow 🙂


Tank girl x



Well today I actually spent with a friend. I’ve known him for about 10years now, he’s far from perfect and sometimes grates on me, but his heart is in the right place. He took me for lunch and a film, we saw Bourne Legacy, which didn’t end up being as good as the other films. But overall was nice to get out of Poole and out of the flat!

Not impressed with my joints at the moment, they are fucking killing me. Even sitting down hurts my back and hips! Backs of my legs feel so stiff and sore. Pain killers seem to be easing the pain for a little while. I will ring my bone doc’s secretary tomorrow and see if I have an appointment soon and if not I need to book one as this is just stupid now, my big toe joint, lower back and hips are so so painful everyday! and the muscles at the backs of my legs keep getting really stiff and sore. Also I keep getting a sore throat, I still have a bad chest, I still keep getting all snotty and gross and I feel so exhausted all the time! I am so sick of feeling so poorly all the time. 

Sat here feeling depressed, not even sure where this has come from. Feels like a massive wave of emotions has smacked me in the face! But am too tired to do anything about it really, as the self harm thoughts have been strong on and off all night, just like a tide coming in and out. So kinda glad am feeling exhausted. Wish my feelings would just chill out for a bit! and stop being all weird and crazy! It’s such a struggle dealing with my physical health shit, then my emotions/moods come and smack me in the face! It’s like what the fuck! GIVE ME A GOD DAMN HEADS UP AT LEAST! I so need a break! a break from being me, a break from being in this god damn stupid fucked up body and head! *sigh* 

Peace out

Tank girl x


I survived the dentist!

Today has been a good day and I am feeling very proud of myself!

This morning was DBT skills group. That was good, I really managed to get focused with today’s mindfulness exercise. We did a word search and I managed to find 1 word at a time, rather then skipping about and trying to find all the words at once. So I managed to really focus and do 1 thing mindfully! Which I am really proud of! I have been practising my mindfulness skills everyday and I have noticed that I have been able to do things 1 thing at a time rather then a million things all at once lol. I’m glad I am seeing the benefits of my hard work. 

I went into town after skills group and went to see my friend T. I wanted to leave my back pack there while I went to the dentist. T made good on her word and she gave me a new skylander called bash 🙂 I was so excited and gave her a big hug! So I now have 7 skylanders out of 32 lol. 

So I walked up to the dentist, mega mega anxious about the whole situation! When I got there, the receptionist that knows I am terrified of the dentist was shocked I was there alone. So anyway I went into the room and sat on the chair. I was sat freaking for a bit and my dentist and the nurse were really patient with me, I finally bit the bullet and let him inject my gums and to my surprise it didn’t hurt 1 bit! Then my mouth went all weird and numb lol then he started doing the filling and it was all over before I knew it! I was so god damn proud of myself! I didn’t even cry! or have a major freak out! 😀 It was a piece of piss and I fucking did it 🙂 means I can go to the dentist now, knowing that I will be ok!

Went back to see T in the shop. Her boss was coming in with some stock, so I gave her another massive hug and headed home. Got home and made a peanut butter and syrup sandwich, got a glass of pepsi and settled down on the sofa. Took me a while to eat the sandwich on one side of my mouth lol as the other side was still numb! Then I had a 2hour nap lol. I must of needed it.

I played a few hours on skylanders with my new character 🙂 who is mega cool! I can’t wait to collect all of them! 

It’s now 8:30pm and already thinking about bed time lol! I love sleeping! 

Mentally having a good day! and mega proud of myself and feeling so so blessed that I have a great friend.

Physically my back and hips have been real sore as has my big toe, but nothing some pain killers wont sort out.


Dyllan x

Smiling like an idiot :)

Well I am sat here smiling like an idiot lol! 

I spent the majority of the day in the shop with T and I ran a few errands for her, like got her some drinks, posted a package, looked in a few shops at some mobile phones and a few other bits and bobs. 

Met up with (never)Respected for a bit, chilled out and watched t.v at mine. After she left, I cleaned up the flat a bit and took the rubbish out. I have decided the cats are no longer allowed in my bed room, as the bed sheets end up covered in fur and bits of their cat litter lol, plus I can’t open the bedroom window with little Indie about because I am worried she will jump out the window! So no my room is a cat free room! lol. I know they will be sat by the door crying tonight 😦 But I will have to be a tough mummy! lol

I just got a text from my friend T and she has just made my day! She wanted to know where to buy me a skylander figure from and she asked what one I wanted. She said it’s her way of saying thank you for the jobs she had me do. But I said to her I honestly don’t mind running errands for her, keeps me busy and I like helping where I can. I said she doesn’t need to get me anything, but  she wont take no for an answer, so am mega excited as I asked for either camo or bash, as I need 1 of them, as they are from the earth and life group. So I am sat here still smiling! She is the best friend ever 🙂 I love her loads! I cannot wait till tomorrow now.

Tomorrow I have skills group and then the dentist for a filling 😦 which I am really not looking forward to as I fucking HATE the dentist. But luckily my dentist knows how anxious I get when I’m there so I know he wont push me if I start freaking out.

I cannot stop smiling! T is such a lovely friend and I feel so totally blessed to have her in my life. 🙂

Peace out from a very happy Dyllan 🙂 x

Giving myself a break!

I was talking to my friend about grief and stuff, it was kinda helpful to realise a few things about my own grief. I have realised that I have been mega tough on myself, letting people get to me when they tell me I am angry and that I act like a hard ass bitch. I know I am like this. I know that my anger is based on my grief of my dad. I’m not ready to let go of my anger yet, partly because I think that if I let go of my anger I am in some way letting go of my dad and that terrifies me. I know I will never ever forget my dad, but yea that’s just how it feels right now. So yea I’m not ready to let go of my anger yet. I know it’s essential to let go, as it will help me heal. But damn it’s only been 10months. I need to stop trying to rush myself into things I’m not ready to do. I cannot wait to start DBT as I know the 1:1 sessions will help me deal with the grief and help me know when I am ready to do what I need to do in order to move on. But right now I am being a tough person to be around, but I am not ready to make any big changes. So screw what people think I should be doing and how I should be acting. I need to listen to me! take care of me! 


Dyllan x