<3 you dad. Working hard! x

I’ve not really posted on here for the last few days as I have been out and about having great fun with Roxy pops. 

Yesterday was the 1st year anniversary of my dads death. The day wasn’t as bad as I thought it might be, I thought I would be a total wreck, but I kept my composure all day. It was a day to celebrate my dads life, not to be sat about being all sad. I spent it with S and her two little ones Holly and Harry. I bought little haribo a new pushchair as his was busted! We took Roxy onto the beach, so she was running about sniffing everything and Holly was straight on the sand digging and making hills. I bought us all a yummy KFC for lunch! We went our separate ways after lunch as we were all really tired, especially Roxy. 

Got home and chilled out for a little bit, then I decided to go into town and treat myself to some more skylanders and got some more little bits and bobs for Roxy and then went and got some dinner. 

Had dinner and chilled out. Roxy and I then met up with my brother and his GF (very soon to be fiance.) and a few others. Then we all went to the pub and toasted a drink in dads memory. Which was nice that we did something. Had a good laugh as well. Then me and Roxy pop walked back and then chilled out!

Today has been less busy, I took Roxy out for the toilet this morning and when I got back I had another hour before I needed to leave for my 1:1 session so I curled up on the sofa with Roxy and had a nap. 

My 1:1 session went really well, made another long term goal which is to let the scars on the top of my right arm heal and eventually have that area tattooed over. I haven’t self harmed for a few months now and I haven’t even had any urges! Which I am mega proud of myself with. I just keep telling myself, do I still want to be cutting when I’m 30? and the answer is always no! I am working my butt off to work towards all my current goals. I just ask myself will doing what I do get me to where I want to be? If the answer is no then I have to change what I’m doing.

After my 1:1 session I went into town as I had decided that now I have a dog I really should get myself a nice waterproof coat as I’m sure walking her in just a hoody when it’s pissing down with rain wont be any good for my health, so I spent £70 on a nice superdry coat. I was looking for some waterproof trousers, but all of them were way too long. So will keep looking.

I love coming home to an animal that is mega excited to see you! LOVE IT! 🙂 It’s nice to feel needed and wanted everyday.

I just chilled out this afternoon playing games on FB and watching TV, went out and got some dinner, did a load of washing, washed up the dishes. After dinner I played a good few hours of the new skylander game! Love it. 

Thought I would spend some time on here before I take Roxy out for her last toilet break. OMG it is raining so hard out! I am really glad I got a nice new coat today. LMAO Roxy is making noises in her sleep! Soooo cute! 🙂

Feeling great! Really positive, working my butt of at my DBT skills. Love my life, love being able to treat friends and help them out. 

Love you with all my heart dad and miss you more then anyone can ever know! 1/6/1960 – 30/10/11 ❤ You are my hero and my inspiration! You were an amazing man, my bestest of friends and a great father, you were taken from me far too soon, but hey God always needs more angels to help those of us that are left behind. I know you are walking with me every step of the way, I know I am never alone ❤ 

Peace out

Tank girl x

Decorating the SHIT outta my place ;)

Had my 1:1 session today, which was good as she helped me to identify the DBT skills that I have actually been using, as I know I am doing the skills, but I find it hard to sometime know what it is as some can be more then one.

After my 1:1 session I went to N’s place and I bought her a bus pass for the week as a thank you for helping me decorate. We got a few more bits and bobs for decorating and got back to mine and did all the prep before we cracked on with the paint. We were painting the ceiling in the kitchen and lounge as the kitchen is just off the lounge so we put the masking take all round the walls so we didn’t get paint all on the walls. Also put masking tape along the bottom of the walls as the skirting boards needed doing as well. So after all the prep we cracked on with the painting! Took a few hours but was well worth the hard work. The ceilings are done and the 1st coat on the skirting board and lounge door has been done! I finished up before N as I was tired and feeling achy, so I had a shower and got changed. N finished up and cleaned the brushes and I ordered us take out for dinner as it was very much deserved! 

Just been chilling out watching a British film called Ill Manors which I would HIGHLY recommend! not just because it is a British film, but because it is a really good film!

Got group tomorrow morning, looking forward to it! I’m really loving DBT this time round. Need to do my H/W so better crack on. 

Feeling totally blessed right now and I am so glad I have the support of everyone on here and the support from a few very close friends. Love you all.

Nearly a year since I lost my best friend and my dad ❤ Love you millions daddy! Never a day goes by when I don’t think about you. I hope I make you proud!

Peace out

Tank girl x

feeling down :(

For some reason I had mega trouble getting to sleep last night, which was making me so frustrated, but I think it was because I have a few things on my mind troubling me.

Had maths class this morning. Man that was a struggle to get through! Felt ill and my head was pounding! But took some pain killers in the break and was feeling a bit better towards to end of the class. Was so hard to concentrate and get my head round the new style of question.

Came home after class and had some lunch, although I didn’t eat it all as I was feeling a bit sick. Have been feeling sick for a few days now, not sure why. Just chilled out and watched a film. 

Grandad came over this afternoon to look at the shitty job mom’s bf did. He said he should of done the ceilings and skirting boards 1st… and he agreed that most of the walls need another coat of paint as they are so patchy. So he did me a list of what I need to do and in what order and we went to the shops and got some paint rollers and some undercoat paint for the skirting boards. He also said he will help me out where he can, which is cool.

Told mom what grandad had said. She apologised for her bf not doing a good job, which I accepted and I apologised for being so horrible about it, but I said I just want the place all nice so I like coming home everyday. I think she is struggling being with him as he is so slow and depressed. I knew she would struggle being with him, I think he was just an escape route from my step dad. But hey we live we learn I suppose. I just think mom would be better off getting her own place. I think she’s too scared to be alone. 

Didn’t do much the rest of this evening. Just been sitting in bed watching films. Been feeling a little low lately. It’s coming up to the 1st anniversary of dads death, so he’s on my mind a lot. Hoping I’m doing right by him. I’m also missing T so so much 😦 texting isn’t the same. Why do you fall for someone that’s not available? *sigh* 

Need to book a dentist appointment tomorrow, the tooth he filled is killing! 

Peace out

Tank girl x

Feeling rested x

I didn’t end up going to maths class this morning, I just woke up feeling so tired and poorly. I ended up just having a nap after breakfast for a few hours. I think I needed it.

I took everything off my walls, ready for tomorrow. As mom’s bf is going to start decorating the entire flat. It’s great my wardrobe is quite big so I can shove lots of stuff in there. 

My brother came round this afternoon, we just hung out and chatted. Then we went into town and I saw a calender with zombies on it, so I bought it to send to a friend in the USA who is zombie mad lol. My brother bought a cute little tank for a fighting fish, which is so cool! I am thinking of getting for the bedroom after I’ve decorated.

The cat’s got their new toys in the post today. A nice new big scratch post and this thing where they have to put there paws in, in order to knock their food to the bottom. Marley has discovered if you knock the whole thing is has the same effect lol!

Feeling quite good today, just chilled and relaxed. I think I needed this day to myself. I think it was a wise mind choice as I did what was effective and I needed to relax and look after myself.

 Oscar and Indie chilling on their new post 🙂 

 The cats new food dispenser 

  My brothers fighting fish!

Peace out

Tank girl x

Great day :) x

Had a great day with Respected and my mate N and her wife T. T is over from Australia she goes back on Friday. 

We walked through Bournemouth gardens and fed some cute lil squirrels, then we went to the Oceanarium and looked round at all the different fish, sharks, turtles and the two breeding otters have finally had 3 pups 🙂 we were lucky enough to watch them feeding off the mummy one 🙂 so cute! 

Then we took a walk down to the harvester for dinner. By this time I was already feeling mega tired. I wasn’t really hungry by the time we got there but I still ordered and ate a little bit. We walked back from the harvester back through the gardens to the bus stop. Said our good byes and Respected and I got the bus home.

After Respected had gone, I had a nice shower and got into my pjs. I am now just sat relaxing. I am unbelievably tired lol. My period has finally gone, but I think it has really taken it out of me this month! The thought of going to maths class tomorrow is a horrible prospect lol. But I will go and them go home and rest lol.

Feeling a little down at the moment. But I think that’s because it’s two weeks today till it’s the 1st anniversary of when dad died. Just miss him so much 😦 I think about him every day. 

* The script If you could see me now*

Peace out

Tank girl x

Feeling blessed

Well Friday was a mega busy day, but I loved every minute of it. 

I met my friend S and her lil man Harry in town and I took her shopping. I made sure her and the kids had nice warm clothes ans shoes for the winter. I must of spent loads, but it was well worth every penny 🙂 I took her for lunch as well. Harry puked all over me lol, so after lunch we went to another shop and I picked up a new tshirt and hoodie. After all the shopping we went back to S’s flat, as I haven’t been there yet. So know I know where she lives, which is cool. We then went to pick up S’s oldest Holly from school 🙂 it was so cute! She was shy at 1st bless her, but then she was chatting to me about what she done at school and I asked her if she wanted me to come pick her up again with mummy and she said yes 🙂 I am so blessed to have them 3 in my life. 

After we picked up Holly we went to asda, cuz S needed a few bits and I needed to get some dinner. Said my goodbyes to S, Holly and Harry and made my way to my other friends house, to baby sit, well look after her boy Ollie. Who is starting to get a bit cheeky with me, pushing the boundaries. I put him to bed, then he got up and told me he needed a wee, I was like great go then lol. Then I went in and turned off his tv and he said “but I’m not asleep” I said I don’t care it’s bed time lol lil man! 

J and her bf C came home and we all sat and chatted for a bit. I had intended not to stay too late as I was so tired, but that kinda didn’t happen lol. I just home just after 12am.

I feel really great for being able to spoil my friends who struggle with money.

Saturday hasn’t been too busy. I’ve got the period from hell! It’s mega heavy and gave me a massive migraine this morning. I woke up about half 10am, had a shower, got dressed and had some breakfast. I was going to go and have a little wander in town. But the migraine won, it was so bad. So I just went and picked up a package from the sorting office, came home took some meds and had a nap.

After my nap I went and got a bit food shopping. Picked up a couple of dvd’s for me and Respected to watch tonight.

Came home and I made some lil fairy cakes for Respected 🙂 She likes me cakes. I cleared up and by the time I had done all that, it was time to start dinner. I made spaghetti bolognese for dinner. But I couldn’t eat it…. Just made me feel sick. It reminded me of the time I had that as my “last dinner” before I took and over dose and they hospital struggled to stop me puking. Thought I was over this thing with the food, but obviously not. Just thinking about it is making me feel ill. Cleared up the dinner stuff and had a shower and got into my pj’s.

Respected came over and we are now just chilling out watching the films I bought. 

Feeling ok, just a bit tired.

Peace out

Tank girl x

Great group session :)

I really didn’t want to get out of bed this morning. It was such a horrible morning! (weather wise) So I had another half an hour in bed as I decided to get a taxi to group lol. Took my time getting ready,cuz I don’t like rushing in the mornings. My bag was already ready to go, so just gathered up my gear and went down to the shop to get some pepsi then called a taxi.

Got to therapy a bit early, but it was nice just to chill out and settle down and say hi to the new comer. I was asked to bring my “happy box” to group this week as it covers so many aspects of the distress tolerance skills. I let everyone have a look through, I did have to explain why some of the stuff in there had the name Laura, which is my birth name, Dyllan is what I chose. But anyway yea everyone enjoyed having a look through, which kind of made me happy as well. Mindfulness is so hard! as we do it for 10mins. We did it looking at heather. I didn’t have worry thoughts about being moving about and disturbing anyone as I was feeling calm this morning, but I was just flicking the heather about cuz I was sooo bored! Next week I might take in my book of mandalas so they can photo copy for a mindfulness. I got a lot out of today and left feeling really energised and really positive! 🙂

Came home and chilled out having lunch and watching tv. The flat was an absolute tip, so I decided in my head I would clean up after dinner. 

I had the top of my hair dyed this afternoon! the bit I spike up, cuz that’s where I keep finding white hairs lol. 

Got something for tea, then came home and chilled out before dinner. Ate tea, then cleaned up my lil pit! 

 Me 🙂

Peace out

Tank girl x

 

Working hard

I’m working hard at my DBT, as I am determined to have the BPD taken off my diagnosis so I can then concentrate on dealing with my bipolar. 

Since my dad died I have tried to make the most of every day. It’s not always possible, but well worth giving a go! As for picking my battles, its essential really as it takes the stress out of everything. I mean you can’t fight and be angry all the time. The anger in the end only hurts yourself and not anyone else. 

I am also blessed to have Respected in my life and for as long as I have. I can truly say she is the only person I would trust my life with. 

I am also blessed to have you in my life Zoomer 🙂 you are awesome! Such a strong and special woman, even if you don’t feel like it. You are an inspiration to others.

Well it’s not been much of a productive day…. Had to stay in while my new water heater was fitted. Took him 6 hours. They sent the poor bloke on his own to do it. But it gave me time to finish me Lego Batman cave 🙂 After he finished I went into town for a bit, got a comic and some DC high top trainers! 

I have decided to help out my mum and her bf, I mean after all she did raise me and spent her money on me. So I need to help her out in her time of need. She may not have always been there when I’ve needed her, but after all she did give birth to me and raised me as best she could. Plus mums bf could help me get all the finishing touches like shelves and stuff and sort out getting some carpets fitted. He can’t do it, but he can measure up and help me pick a carpet and sort it all out. So this weekend I am going to sort out the flat and get rid of some stuff.

Got group tomorrow! Can’t wait, as my 1:1 was on annual leave this week. Going to get my hair dyed red, well just the bit I spike up! need to cover them greys lol.

 

Peace out

Tank girl x

sick and tired

Had an ok day.

Maths class was ok, well until we had to get into groups. I got stuck with the posh girl… So I sat an supervised! lol…Didn’t feel like playing nicely this morning! Then went to get the bus home and the posh girl pulls up by me and offers me a lift home… I took it because it’s raining and I just wanted to get in. She’s ok.. gay! too young for me. I’m still not keen on her though lol! just something about her seems so fake! 

Got home and had some lunch…. just sat for a bit thinking about what to do next, so I decided to have a nap. As I was feeling a bit tired and coldy again. So got in my pjs and jumped into bed…. Then my phone went, then someone from wessex buzzed up and wanted to measure the heater, got back into bed, then he buzzed up again to tell me they can fit the new one on Wednesday, got back into bed once again, with a few things buzzing about in my head, I eventually nodded off for not quite an hour. Got up and had a shower and got dressed.

Sat again for a bit, thinking about what to do… Then decided to go to a shop and see what Lego batman stuff they had as I’m struggling to find the one I want! Also wanted to look at getting some new sauce pans and dinner set. My sauce pan handles are all wobbly and I don’t have a matching dinner set! Just collected bits over the years. Respected text me, so I waited for her to join me. I ended up spending a fair bit of money in there lol, but on things I needed.

Came home and had dinner. I put all my lego figures on the window sill in the bedroom, as they were getting in the way of where I’ve got all my skylanders lol. But I was thinking of getting the castle to put them all in so they are tidied away! 

Watched the film Promethius this evening. As I didn’t manage to get to see it at the cinema. It was really good! The ending was amazing 😀 I hope it leads to another film.

Played a bit on the xbox, but my hands started to hurt so had to stop. Urgh so fed up of feeling poorly, achy and tired! I’m sick to death of being on meds that only keep me well enough to not need to be in hospital. I’ve had WG all my life, but it never seems to get any easier! *sigh*

Reserved some much needed curtains. My cats have pretty much destroyed mine lol by climbing up them all the time! Will pick them up tomorrow. 

Feeling rough and a little down. Still need to do my meds up for the week URGH. Hope I feel better in the morning. 

Peace out

Tank girl x

 

Looking after myself! x

I have had a good weekend 🙂

Yesterday (never) Respected and I went into town and had a look around the shops. I got some comics and booked in my next bit of my tank girl back piece. That’s all booked in for the 18th, cannot wait to get another piece. Will upload the pic of what I’m getting. I went halves with Respected on a nice new bag for her 🙂 After that we just chilled out at mine watching DVD’s. My friend and her GF are down for the weekend so we all went out for a meal at an all you can eat place and then went for a drive about showing T.H’s GF the sites as G has never been down here before. 

I was up mega early for some reason this morning. I woke up at 8:30am cuz I needed to pee, but I think the coldness of getting up to pee woke me right up lol! So I cleaned up the flat a bit and had a shower! I was ready to go out by 9:30am! but as it’s a Sunday the shops don’t open till 10/10:30am, so I just chilled out for a bit watching TV. I left the flat at about 11am and just pottered about town. My head was killing me! full of a sinus head cold. Sadly over the counter stuff isn’t strong enough. Went to Adsa and got a few bits and bobs, needed potatoes for dinner. I was only out for just over an hour, but felt rough as fuck when I got home. So I put the shopping away, put on a dvd, made lunch and a hot drink of black current, took some pain medication and chilled out all afternoon. Feel so much better for it!

I did some more washing this afternoon and I read my comics. Also did my DBT homework, well I did more then what was asked, but I am throwing myself right into it! I want to get as much out of it as I can! So I did a list for all the distress tolerance skills. A list of things I can do while trying to tolerate a distressing situation. It’s easier to have it all written out then try and think of things whilst in the distressing situation! 

I made myself a nice dinner, I had cheesy mash, turkey breast and peas. I even cleaned up too! 

At the start of today I was feeling really poorly and fairly depressed, but after spending a day looking after myself and my needs I feel so much better! 🙂

Peace out

Tank girl x