getting there

Last night was a struggle. I was the closest to cutting, closer then I have been in a long time. I just can’t get it out of my head and it’s driving me insane, despite desperately doing every single skill I can. I managed not to do it, not sure how but I didn’t. 

This morning was a massive struggle to get to DBT group. I took Roxy out for a wee, but she was messing about and  didn’t go. I then went and had a fry up for breakfast, then I got a taxi to group. I just couldn’t face a walk to the bus stop and then a walk from the bus stop to group. In the end group was ok and I’m glad I went.

Just been relaxing this afternoon. Heads hurting again though. Going to take Roxy out for a last wee wee, then its meds and bed! Still got self harm thoughts, but they are manageable right now. 

Peace out

Tank girl x

just no words

Carpets didn’t go down today. How I didn’t go completely mental in anger I do not know! I did tell them several times before hand that my carpets are properly glued to the floor, but no they didn’t come equipped. So I moved the contents of the lounge and bedroom for fucking nothing! Fuming doesn’t even cover it! I had no help and it’s not like I’m sick or anything! So the dick heads are back on the 8th! 

Met up with the girls from my other DBT group, had a good laugh. Was nice to get out.

Got my 1:1 tomorrow and my hospital meeting. To be honest I cannot be fucked with either! 

Right now I just want to hid and come out when DBT is done with and the carpets are sorted. I plan on sending holographic me to DBT. I’ve just had enough of fucking everything and would very much like to indulge in my dark passenger!

Tank girl x

No harm so far

I’m still here, managed not to harm myself so far. Just feeling a bit lonely…. as in I’m sick of being single. It’s been so long :/ which isn’t like me to be single for this long… Maybe I’m growing up I don’t know, but whatever it is it fucking sucks!!!! I joined a dating site, only found weirdo’s, I don’t really go out on the “gay scene” because it’s way too close knit and everyone has pretty much fucked each other. I don’t look for someone and no-one comes along. There is a few people I like, but their involved or like someone else… urgh! I give in……

Self harm shit running through my head, but the dark passenger is walking with me, but will not take over me! It will only be a massive step back if I let it control me once again!

Carpets go down tomorrow and I cannot fucking wait! 

Doing everything I can to maintain “good mental health” doesn’t seem to make much difference. But I suppose being happy in the moment is ok-ish for now…..

Peace out

Tank girl x

Walking with my dark passenger!

Had a good day with a friend. We went xmas shopping. It was good I managed to finish off my shopping.

My heart just feels so empty inside, no matter what I do, even if I do kind things for people, I feel nothing. I suppose I help people in the hope that I will feel something but I don’t, so it just feels like an empty gesture even though I have every intention of it being a nice gesture.

Numb, nothing, empty, depressed, just going on as normal like you’re meant to do. Be normal, complete daily tasks. When in fact all I want to do is stop. 

Self harm thoughts are like how they used to be. I don’t want to cut because it will just be a massive step back!!! and take me further from my goals…. I just don’t want to still be in this position of relying on cutting in order to feel better, I don’t want to be here when I’m 30yrs old and lets face it, that’s not too far away! It’s so hard to stay as positive as I have been for so long. I just feel like it’s 3 step forwards and a thousand backwards. Sick to death of this bullshit! Being strong is hard. But being normal is even harder. 

Sat here with a tear in my not wanting it to fall… It will fall whether I blink or not. It’s just one of those things that’s inevitable… 

I hope I can continue this battle with my dark passenger! I don’t want to fall back into old habits.

Peace out

Tank girl x

Don’t seem to be moving forward….

Well I’ doing everything I can, I have a daily routine, I get up around the same time each day, I have a proper breakfast, I fill my day with positive activities, I do my skills, I have a good bed time routine, I eat properly and get enough if not more sleep the I should and I take my medication. I get enough exercise with taking Roxy out. Non of this seems to make the slightest bit of difference though! URGH! The W.G is still kicking my ass and Wednesday couldn’t come soon enough. Feeling depressed like most of the time, but still filling my time with things that need to be done and things I like to do. I will have a few hours where I feel happy, but it soon goes no matter how hard I try and hold on to the feeling of happiness! Which is harder then it seems!

I suppose I just have to keep going. I will not succumb to my dark passenger and my dark thoughts. I will reach the goals in the bigger picture! Going backwards is not going to help! I just have to keep cheer leading myself. 

Peace out

Tank girl x

 

Doing ok…

Feeling slightly better today. But I still got a taxi to group as I find mornings hard to get going. But I had already decided I was going to get the bus back, as I had things to do in town. 

Group was good today, everyone was in good spirits, which was nice to see and only 1 person cried today lol. After group I went and had a blood test before my appointment next week, then I went into town and picked up a few bits and bobs. Went home and grabbed roxy and took her out for a wee, then I took her to the pet shop to get her some a new waterproof coat and some jumpers 🙂 She looks mega cute when were out and about and she was really great when the lady was putting on her new coats to see if they fit. She’s such an amazing dog I love her so much!

I have a good daily routine for week days, which has helped me feel much more settled. I get up by 9am most days, but its earlier on the days I have maths, my 1:1 and group. I have lunch around 12pm-1pm and I make sure I cook myself a proper evening meal every week day around 5pm-6pm. In between I take out Roxy for a walk/wee depending on how I feel and what the weather is like. My nightly routine is good and I think has been helping me sleep better. By about 8:30pm I start thinking of things I need to do before I go to sleep, so I may do some DBT homework and or clean up after dinner. 9pm I take Roxy out for the last toilet break, come back put on the shower and heater, make up a hot water bottle for my bed, have a nice shower using several DBT skills, take my meds and make a hot chocolate and sit in bed drinking my hot chocolate using DBT skills, watch T.V for a little and then lights out by just gone 10pm, 10:30pm at the latest. There’s only been 1 night since I started my little routine that I didn’t sleep too well at night, but I think that had more to do with the fact I had slept so much during the day.

Emotionally still feeling fairly fragile, physically feeling slightly better. 

Peace out

Tank girl x

The troubles with W.G…….

Well not posted on this journal for a while, but I will today as I have been feeling so so poorly and I’m finding it so hard to cope with along with my mental health.

So I’ve probably been going down hill with the WG for over a month now. 

Here are my current symptoms

. Feel sick and dizzy when standing and walking

. Constant migraines/headaches

. Exhausted all the time

. Legs feel heavy when walking

. Joints are so sore, even my fingers and hands

. Run down, runny nose e.t.c

. Kidneys keep aching, despite drinking plenty of water and cranberry juice

. IBS playing up a little

I think that’s it.

I have an appointment with my rheumatologist next Wednesday, I’ve been putting off seeing my G.P as there’s not a lot he can do for me regarding the W.G. It’s just been so rough lately and most days I can’t stand to do anything bar sleep and rest. I’ve also been taking extra vitamins, which don’t seem to be doing much.

Peace out

Tank girl x

Struggling

Well another day of feeling so so poorly, but have been resting and looking after myself by drinking plenty of fluids and resting, sleeping and eating proper meals.

Mentally I feel totally battered down by it all. But I’m sure that’s just the physical illness.

N.W has finally apologized to me for her behavior towards me, I accepted as life is far too short for hate. 

Didn’t have my 1:1 today as my therapist is on annual leave, which I was kind of glad not having to be anywhere today.

I re-homed two of my kitties today, Oscar and Indie. Oscar went to an older couple who live in a 1st floor flat so he will be able to come and go as he pleases and Indie went to a young family with another kitten and 2 dogs. I was sad to let them go, but it was for the best for them and me in the long run. Living in a 1 bed flat with 3 cats, a rat a fish and a dog was a bit too much. Totally my fault, but I have wanted a dog for ages and she is so great for me because I have to take her out and be social with those that stop to talk to us whether I like it or not. So it’s been a tough day. 

I have group tomorrow, but I’ve already decided to get a taxi up there as taking the bus and then walking will be a bit too much for me right now. My legs just feel so heavy when I’m walking, it’s just so exhausting. But it means I don’t have to rush about so much in the morning, so I can take my time getting myself in the right head space to deal with a room full of people.

Well better head to bed soon.

Peace out

Tank girl x

:(

Not a good day. Been feeling so flipping poorly, I just cannot wait for my specialist appointment next week. I am sick to death of feeling so ill! My legs are heavy, I’m exhausted, I’m in pain, my chest hurts e.t.c 😦 

Mentally feeling so down and fed up. I’ve had enough! 

Peace out

Tank girl x

Sad

Not written for a while, because I just haven’t really known what to say.

Just been feeling down, ill and a little out of sorts. 

Group was difficult on Thursday, 1 person walked out and 2 people cried, I was like fuck pull yourself together guys! Good thing is I have finished distress tolerance and mindfulness so only 2 modules left to go and I am outta there! Hopefully I will no longer meet the criteria for BPD. That is my ultimate goal.

Had a good weekend with @neverrespected. Went out for dinner and a film on Saturday and today we went out for a walk with Roxy and I cooked us a nice lamb joint for dinner. 

Physically been feeling quite poorly. I’ve been more tired then usual, I’ve been feeling sick and dizzy, been in more pain then usual. Also I had a bruise that lasted for about 3 weeks which is unusual as I don’t really bruise and if I do it’s not usually that bad, also when I had a tattoo session we had to stop after 30mins because I was bleeding loads more then usual. I bleed more then most because of my immune system, but this was just loads. I was bleeding just as quick as she was putting the ink in. So this has made me a little nervous now. 

Mentally been feeling out of sorts and down. Not really much else to say. Just feeling sad. 

Peace out

Tank girl x