Sad lil me

Was wide awake by 4am this morning and I just couldn’t get back off to sleep, so was up buzzing about at 7am, had a shower, took roxy out and came back and did the washing up and just pottered about the flat, then made my way to group.

Group was ok, was a bit hyper from lack of sleep so I think I just kind of buzzed my way through. After I came home and took roxy out, then went and got a few bits in the shop and came home and crashed. My heads been hurting all afternoon, I’m tired but can’t nap, feeling mega lonely and depressed. Miss my dad so so much, wish I had my girl here for snuggles. Just want to cry, but don’t want to let the tears start falling cuz right now I don’t think I could stop. 

😦

Peace out

Tank girl x

:) up for the fight x

Had a relaxing day, well for the most part anyways.

My mom came over this afternoon to exchange gifts, which was stressful and kind of upsetting as she got me a woman’s purse, a notebook (of which I have hundreds) and a digital photo frame, which is ok. But she asked me what I wanted, I said just get me vouchers for a shop I love and as usual she ignores me! every fucking year! I mean she got a gift receipt for the purse, so I’m going to get something else, I just don’t understand her sometimes! I mean a pink and black purse….

Spent the rest of the day with respected and we watched Batman Dark Knight and Batman Dark Knight Rises. Which of course was EPIC!

Spent the rest of this evening watching tank girl and wrapping presents.

I’ve got something so amazing to get well for now, I WILL defeat my dark passenger! I am WAY stronger then it! I will be a well and happy tank girl.

Feeling happy and positive

Peace out Tank girl x

This time of year….

Again another day by myself…. (I need to stop focusing on this….I do enjoy being on my own, just have to remember it) Just a rough time of year I suppose! 

However I did manage to fill my day, had a nice lay in, then had breakfast and took Roxy out for a pee. Came back and chilled out, feeling so exhausted again today.  Played Mario land 3D for like an hour lol! But need to collect some stars to get to the next level. Took Roxy out for a pee again, then I decided I should just have a little look round the shops, but I only managed to get to the gaming shop and ended up coming home with 10 new skylanders! and in a funky box! which I have decided to keep my skylanders in. Also I got some sweeties 🙂 from the olde sweet shop. The girl in the sweet shop has been waiting to see Roxy for ages and as I only live across the road from town, I went home and got Roxy and took her to see the lady in the shop 🙂 they were both excited to see each other lol. Then took Roxy to see my hair dresser. Roxy is such a popular puppy 🙂 my baby girl!

Played more games this afternoon, on my 3Ds XL and the Wii, I finally got the Wii working, the AV plugs wouldn’t stay in the holes, to had to get a scart input for them instead. How I’ve missed mario karts on the Wii! 

Went to the shops to get some crusty rolls for my tommy soup that I decided to have for dinner. It didn’t really fill me up, but then I’ve not been massively hungry lately, well apart from SUGAR! lol. Which is not good for my increasing waist line of mine :s

Just been chilling out this evening, watching Ally Mcbeal. I’m feeling a little lighter, maybe even brighter for writing this. 

Feeling like just another faceless person in a happy crowd.

But the truth is we are all just as stressed as each other. 

Running round, shopping, cooking, organizing! All just to make others happy.

This time of year is so fake, forced and crappy! 

I am just trying to make myself happy.

Peace out

Tank girl x

Ok day

Group was ok today, although some of the things one of the person said nearly had me in fits of giggles! Because it was just so pathetic! I really had to use the non judge mental stance! which is really hard.

I think I have come to to conclusion that I am fed up with the routine I have got in. Yes it keeps my mood kind of stable, but fuck it is boring! I miss my life being erratic! staying up all night, doing crazy shit! BORED OF IT! It’s just so predictable!

Feeling much more relaxed today, which is good. I have done some of my DBT homework. If I don’t do it the evening of the day I have group I tend to forget. I do my diary cards, but the group homework gets forgotten sometimes, but I am trying t me more mindful of this and do what is effective. 

I’ve been invited to do the bipolar group that starts the end of Jan. If I go it means I will be doing something 4 mornings a week. So I am going to say yes, for now and see how I get on with doing 4 mornings a week. I really want to do this course. It’s from Jan – May so yes I will see how it goes. I just don’t want to take on too much and get myself un-well, physically or mentally. But I will try and see how it goes.

Looking forward not having to get up by a certain time tomorrow. 

Peace out

Tank girl x

Racing mind

I really don’t get why I don’t have any prn meds!!!!!

Talked to my 1:1 about my intense self harm and racing thoughts but like I knew what she was going to say even before she said anything her answer was “continue to do your skills” NOT helpful especially when the racing thoughts are probably the bipolar rather then the BPD! Skills can’t slow down my thoughts. It is impossible to do mindfulness while feeling like this because I just don’t have the concentration or attention to do it! While you are at DBT there isn’t much room for anything else! Maybe I need to speak to my p-doc…. as much as I think he is a complete prick I think I need too. The pros and cons list for self harming is equal! 

Pros – Gets it out of my system, makes me feel better in the short term.

Cons – Leaves scars (tbh they don’t bother me) Takes me further from me goals.

Now what?! I’ve been like this for about 2 weeks and no skills are making it any better! I’ve crashed out, hit the bottom! I just want my head to stop, even when I am trying to rest, it doesn’t feel like I have rested at all because my head is constantly running with thoughts over and over! wanting to do everything NOW! but I can’t. It’s impossible to do everything my head wants me too, my body is struggling to keep up.

Tank girl x