Oh I forgot to mention yesterday that my girl now has my spare keys to my flat 🙂 Eeek she used them to come in to see me this morning! mega happy about that!
So I pretty much cried myself to sleep last night, but ended up sleeping well. I got up this morning, had a shower, got dressed, ate and took Roxy for a wee. Then my girl turned up 🙂 I was so pleased to see her, I just fell into her arms and gave her a massive hug and held back the tears. I didn’t want to cry before my 1:1 cuz I didn’t think I would stop. We had snuggles on the sofa for a bit, I made her a coffee and I showed her the non-padded bra I’d got and she gave me a good grope lol. She was messing about with her phone and she was taking pictures of Roxy, Marley and me lol! The time flew too quickly and it was time to go to my 1:1, she took me though. It was nice to have kisses before I went in.
My 1:1 was stressful, as I was trying not to cry for the whole fucking session! She knows I don’t do emotions yet she always pushes me. I have said to her from the start I am only there to learn the skills to get rid of the BPD diagnosis! So it’s really frustrating when she pushes me. I just want to say bitch FUCK OFF! I just stop talking. She kept saying I need to express to the group that I am not doing well at the moment so they can give me encouragement. But I’m like that is fine for others, but I don’t need them to know how I am feeling! I don’t need encouragement from them! It’s not what I need! I need my p-doc to fucking listen to me and either add a medication or up my current meds it’s not fucking HARD! Then she was on about writing a letter to my p-doc then showing me to see if it was ok! I’m like write it and send it, why the fuck do I need to see it! I don’t care! I need HELP and not one single fucker is listening! If she writes a letter, then I have to wait a week to see her, then she sends it to him I mean fuck it’s just wasted time! She knows how I have been feeling for WEEKS! I don’t need to approve a letter! FUCK! why are they all so fucking retarded! So fuck knows what she is going to do. I don’t care atm!
Got the bus home, I was sat there trying not to cry the whole way. Then my girl was texting me and said some sweet stuff, so I couldn’t hold back the tears and had a lil cry. I’m so sick of crying. I got home and just sat on the sofa and sat and cried and cried and cried for about an hour! I think I might try see my g.p tomorrow or ring my p-doc’s secretary. Not decided yet.
So after crying and crying and giving myself a headache. My gf text me, saying she was off to sleep in the t-shirt she borrowed off me this morning, she said she wanted to get some more baggy shirts, but I said to her I need to go through my clothes cuz I have SO MANY! some I don’t wear. So I made a little plan for myself to fill my afternoon. Planning things is the only thing getting my through a day without crying. So I got my butt off the sofa, took Roxy for a wee and then brought her back. I went to the shop and got some little bottles of Pepsi for group tomorrow and the bipolar course on Friday, then I went and got myself some sweeties and came back to the flat. I had something to eat, as it was getting near 3pm and I’d only had breakfast. After I had eaten I went into the bedroom and stuck on the T.V and emptied my drawer and found a pack of Oreo’s of all things lol! and sorted through my many p.j’s, then I emptied my wardrobe. OMG I could not believe how many pairs of jeans I own that are WAY too small for my fat ass lol! and how many t-shirts that I just don’t wear. So I have got a nice pile of clothes for my girl and her daughter to go through 🙂 felt better for doing it. It really needed to be done. After that I decided to put together my Batman Lego set I bought the other day. I sat and did that and it took about an hour and half! So by then it was 4:30pm. So I chilled out watching T.V for a bit. Finally started feeling a bit hungry at 6pm so I started dinner, which was mega yummy! 🙂
Just been relaxing this evening. Going to do the washing up in a mo. My mood is still low, I still feel really teary, just keep crying for no reason. I am so sick of this now! 😦
Group in the morning. I cannot FUCKING WAIT! to finish. It has been really helpful. But I am so done. Nothing is working.
Tank girl x