Can’t stop crying! :'(

Oh I forgot to mention yesterday that my girl now has my spare keys to my flat 🙂 Eeek she used them to come in to see me this morning! mega happy about that!

So I pretty much cried myself to sleep last night, but ended up sleeping well. I got up this morning, had a shower, got dressed, ate and took Roxy for a wee. Then my girl turned up 🙂 I was so pleased to see her, I just fell into her arms and gave her a massive hug and held back the tears. I didn’t want to cry before my 1:1 cuz I didn’t think I would stop. We had snuggles on the sofa for a bit, I made her a coffee and I showed her the non-padded bra I’d got and she gave me a good grope lol. She was messing about with her phone and she was taking pictures of Roxy, Marley and me lol! The time flew too quickly and it was time to go to my 1:1, she took me though. It was nice to have kisses before I went in.

My 1:1 was stressful, as I was trying not to cry for the whole fucking session! She knows I don’t do emotions yet she always pushes me. I have said to her from the start I am only there to learn the skills to get rid of the BPD diagnosis! So it’s really frustrating when she pushes me. I just want to say bitch FUCK OFF! I just stop talking. She kept saying I need to express to the group that I am not doing well at the moment so they can give me encouragement. But I’m like that is fine for others, but I don’t need them to know how I am feeling! I don’t need encouragement from them! It’s not what I need! I need my p-doc to fucking listen to me and either add a medication or up my current meds it’s not fucking HARD! Then she was on about writing a letter to my p-doc then showing me to see if it was ok! I’m like write it and send it, why the fuck do I need to see it! I don’t care! I need HELP and not one single fucker is listening! If she writes a letter, then I have to wait a week to see her, then she sends it to him I mean fuck it’s just wasted time! She knows how I have been feeling for WEEKS! I don’t need to approve a letter! FUCK! why are they all so fucking retarded! So fuck knows what she is going to do. I don’t care atm!

Got the bus home, I was sat there trying not to cry the whole way. Then my girl was texting me and said some sweet stuff, so I couldn’t hold back the tears and had a lil cry. I’m so sick of crying. I got home and just sat on the sofa and sat and cried and cried and cried for about an hour! I think I might try see my g.p tomorrow or ring my p-doc’s secretary. Not decided yet.

So after crying and crying and giving myself a headache. My gf text me, saying she was off to sleep in the t-shirt she borrowed off me this morning, she said she wanted to get some more baggy shirts, but I said to her I need to go through my clothes cuz I have SO MANY! some I don’t wear. So I made a little plan for myself to fill my afternoon. Planning things is the only thing getting my through a day without crying. So I got my butt off the sofa, took Roxy for a wee and then brought her back. I went to the shop and got some little bottles of Pepsi for group tomorrow and the bipolar course on Friday, then I went and got myself some sweeties and came back to the flat. I had something to eat, as it was getting near 3pm and I’d only had breakfast. After I had eaten I went into the bedroom and stuck on the T.V and emptied my drawer and found a pack of Oreo’s of all things lol! and sorted through my many p.j’s, then I emptied my wardrobe. OMG I could not believe how many pairs of jeans I own that are WAY too small for my fat ass lol! and how many t-shirts that I just don’t wear. So I have got a nice pile of clothes for my girl and her daughter to go through 🙂 felt better for doing it. It really needed to be done. After that I decided to put together my Batman Lego set I bought the other day. I sat and did that and it took about an hour and half! So by then it was 4:30pm. So I chilled out watching T.V for a bit. Finally started feeling a bit hungry at 6pm so I started dinner, which was mega yummy! 🙂

Just been relaxing this evening. Going to do the washing up in a mo. My mood is still low, I still feel really teary, just keep crying for no reason. I am so sick of this now! 😦

Group in the morning. I cannot FUCKING WAIT! to finish. It has been really helpful. But I am so done. Nothing is working.

Peace out

Tank girl x

Screw you anxiety!

Today has been good. But a massive bag of emotions, that I cannot get a handle on and it is driving me insane!

So I have been up on and off since 5am! Eventually getting out of bed at 7am because I needed to pee (and do a 1st morning pee sample) I stuck a dvd on and paced about the lounge for a bit. Had a shower and got dressed, then took Roxy out for a wee. Watched the end of the dvd and rang up for a taxi. I had to fast from 9pm last night and it was 8:30am and I was feeling a bit light headed so opted to get a taxi to the doctors. Got to the docs with 10mins to spare, so sat and waited. I started to feel a bit anxious about the blood test. The nurse finally called me in and took me wee sample, did my blood pressure and took my blood and thankfully she got it first time. So I felt a bit better. I left and rang my gf to see where she was at and she was just on her way to me. She picked me up and we went to a shop to have some much needed breakfast. It was good to see her eat because I know she’s been struggling eating right now with the low mood. She also think she’s fat, but she is way slimmer then me and so so beautiful! size to me doesn’t matter, she is amazing just how she is and I told her so. She doesn’t believe me though, but I hope she will in time. After we ate we came back to mine and had snuggles on the sofa while watching a dvd. After the dvd we took Roxy out for a wee, then she sadly had to go as she needed to go let her dogs out, as after picking her daughter up from school she was taking her to her friends house. So I helped take my old TV stand down to her car. I was on a right buzz after seeing her, but sadly is didn’t last long.

So I’m looking after my mates place and she’s been on my case bout checking her flat, so I had lunch and headed over there. On my way a song come on my (yes its old, but I like it) mp3 player that reminded me of my dad, so there I am walking through town trying not to cry! Which is not cool. I miss him so so much! 😦 I thought I was “over” the grieving thing. But I’m really not and it hurts so bad. So anyway I carried on and just thought about my girl, cuz thinking and talking about my dad hurts way too much. Got to my mates place, checked her mail and stuff. Then headed in to town and bought my beautiful girl a lil something something for Valentines day! I’m excited and nervous about giving it to her all at the same time. I just hope it’s all ok. After all that I headed home.

I got home and had a ton of stuff to do…. I filled my diary cards up to date, I had to scan some of my mates letters and email them to her, printed out a conversation for me to show my 1:1 to see if I handled a certain situation well or not (just want an honest opinion) and by the time I done all that, put the printer away and sat down the breathe it was 6pm. So I just sat watching tv for a bit, then all of a sudden this anxiety comes out of no-where so it has me pacing about the flat, then it becomes so overwhelming I start crying and crying and crying! I only calmed down a bit when talking to a friend about it. I just tried to carry on with my evening, I made something to eat and sat down to eat it. But it has made me feel a little sick because of feeling so anxious. 

The rest of this evening has been spent not feeling so great, trying not to cry and cry and cry and not wining! It’s nearly 9pm. I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know whether my 1:1 can help me or if I need to book another appointment with my prick of a psych. But this just isn’t right! I have never sat and just cried for days on end before, even when I have been at my lowest, this just isn’t normal depression right now and I’m at a loss of what to do. It’s not even reactive to anything! as right now my life is ok. Yes a long term friendship ended, but that needed to happen and this isn’t reactive to that as it has been going on a lot longer. 

I’m at a loss….. what do I do 😥

Peace out

Tank girl x

Mood lifting :)

Well today for a Monday has been ok. 

I got up early just incase my gf came over after dropping her daughter at school. But she didn’t so I just went back to sleep on the sofa on and off till 1pm.

I sat there thinking I NEED to do something today. So I said “GO GO GO” and had a shower, got dressed and took Roxy pup out for a wee, then dropped her back and headed to town. I’d made a little plan in my head of what I was going to do. 

I ended up coming back with a new curtain pole that I need for my bedroom as mine bends in the middle lol. I also came back with a Batman Lego set! Woohoo! I’ve not started yet, but I will. I nipped to the shop and picked up some more Pepsi, some sweeties and a couple of DVD’s! 

This afternoon I’ve just been looking after myself, watching the DVD’s I bought, ate some sweeties. I had the rest of my chicken casserole for dinner. 

Been talking to my gf this evening 🙂 she’s picking my up from my doctors appointment in the morning. I cannot WAIT! to see her! she said she’s ordered me something for valentines day OMG! so excited. Gonna spoil her so much. 

Mood has lifted a little today and that was before I had spoken to my girl. So I know it’s not reactive to a situation. 

 Roxy with my hat off my bear 🙂

 LEGO! 

Peace out

Tank girl x

 

Tired!

By the time I got home last night and wrote on here and took my meds and tried to wind down it was about 2am!

I was up this morning by 9:20am! WTF Lol! Went into the lounge and curled up on the sofa with Roxy and watched some spongebob. I think I had a nap….. Not sure

Got showered and dressed and took Roxy pup out for a wee. Took Roxy home, then nipped out again to pay my rent and get some electric. Felt to tired to look around town. So just went home.

Just sat watching kids T.V this afternoon. Mood is still so down. Was so tired, so I napped for about and hour and a half. After my nap I was just sat on the sofa staring into space, feeling even more down and alone. So I decided to do some opposite to emotion action. So I cleaned up the flat and took the rubbish out, took Roxy out for a wee, went to the shop to get some food shopping, came home and made dinner and watched some dvd’s. Feeling a little better for having cleaned up. But it hasn’t really made much of a difference to my mood. This is driving me insane now I am so fed up of trying and nothing working!

Peace out

Tank girl

STRESS!

Well I can well and truly say, today has been the longest day EVER! It has been extremely challenging and stressful, I won’t for certain reason go into detail of the situation. But I used my DEAR MAN, FAST and GIVE skills. Myself respect remained intact. Although it ended in a long term friendship ending it is for the best. I used my skills effectively, but you can’t control the environmental effects. All I need to disclose is that I did what was needed, the friendship was not my main objective, myself respect was and I maintained that. I am not going to let people treat me how they have been doing. I deserve better. I would rather be alone then be around people that don’t have the amount of respect for me that I deserve. I will not be anyone’s option when they need me. I am not being used like that anymore. 

I believe I have changed for the better over this last years, despite struggling with the grief of losing my dad, which a year and a half on is still extremely painful. It will never be a pain that will fully go away. But I am being the best person I can be right now and if that’s just not good enough then whatever! I am not as angry as I was about life, but some people can’t see passed how I used to be. That is a reflection on them not me. 

To be honest I didn’t think I would learn anything from DBT, but I have learned a lot and put it into action, with negative outcome BUT not everything in life is all rainbows and sunshine, things are crap, but hey its out of my control I walked away with my head held high and I am proud of myself. 

I can 100% say I am no longer co dependent on ANYONE! and I haven’t been for a long time! I can stand on my own two feet and look out for myself! I just need reminding sometimes.

Don’t point your fingers at my flaws unless you are first are totally flawless! 

Heard from my girl today, which has made me smile from ear to ear. She still struggling, but she said she will try come see me in the week, she’s just been a bit worried about seeing me as she’s still feeling a bit sketchy, but this was my response to her:

Baby you can just be yourself with me. I want you for you and I’d never ever change that! We all got flaws we all get a lil crazy. But thats cool, in my eyes you are amazing and I want to be there for you, you just gotta let me in. I like you at your best so I will look after at your worst hand on my heart pinky promise. I am not going anyway. You have me completely xx

She was shocked and asked if I was serious that I didn’t want to change her and I said yes. She’s not used to being treated so well. I mean every single word. I hope she does let me in and let me show her. I’m sure she will. Relationships take time and I am willing to wait. BUT I will also not let her take the piss and I have used my skills the maintain my relationship with her and it’s been working so I am mega proud of myself! 🙂

Today has taken its toll, especially as I have been so depressed. But after all the dust settles I know I will be able to say I walked away with my head held high with myself respect intact and I should/will be proud of myself. Everyone is at different stages with their illness/wellness, some can see, some cannot. I can see I have changed for the better, but some people still treat me like nothing has changed and that is not a true reflection of how things really are. 

Right now I am so emotionally and physically drained! Going to spend this weekend looking after myself properly! I need some much needed ME time! 🙂 

Peace out

Tank girl x

 

URGH! Tired!

Yea yesterday was HARD! 

Today was ok. Group was hard as I was so tired, even though I was probably asleep by just gone 10:30pm. It was so hard to concentrate, plus it was really warm in there! So I just spent the whole session sucking my thumb and trying to stay awake! But it was only mindfulness I’ve been over it tones before, it’s not something I struggle with. But was nice to see Nic as she’s been off for 3 weeks. Still not digging the new therapist, she did mindfulness this morning and she’s got such a gentle soothing voice I really struggled to keep my eyes open lol.

This afternoon Roxy and I hung out at my hair dressers as she was doing my hair anyway, but at the moment she’s been pretty quiet and she’s been a bit low, so I’ve just been going in to see if she’s ok. Roxy had her hair done too! and before anyone says its CRUEL! It’s not the hair dye she used is safe for animals and humans! Plus she’s MY dog I shall do what I like with her! But she does look mega CUTE! 

When I come home, I did tidy up the flat a bit. It really fucking needed it! It was an absolute TIP! So feel better about the flat. Had a nice joint of lamb for dinner.

But after all that was done and I sat down, my mood just went low again. While I am busy, or while I am practicing my skills I feel ok. But as soon as I am sat on my own doing nothing my mood shoots back down again. Which is so annoying that I can’t seem to lift it. Faking it is getting hard.

Start this bipolar course tomorrow, so I am heading to bed shortly. I am stupidly tired and I have to be on the bus by at least 9am! URGH! 

I cannot believe it’s been 3 years since my 25th! I was reminded of this today as I had to ring up and book a smear test! LOVELY! can’t wait lol And next Tuesday I have a annual check up at the docs, which means fasting for a blood test and taking a piss sample with me! again LOVELY! can’t wait. My life seems to be a constant want of samples of various fluids and scans. I must have more pictures then a supermodel! But without the big pay check afterwards lol!

Right the laundry needs hanging up! Then it’s taking roxy for a wizz, shower, meds and BED!

Pics of Roxy and I 

Peace out

Tank girl x

Scanned!

Well my hospital trip wasn’t what I 1st expected lol. I just thought I’d have to take my top and bra off….. But NO! I had to strip down to boxers and socks! and put a gown thing on. Then the next thing the nurse was like, you need to have a cannula fitted as I need to be injected with dye. I was like hold on wait up WHAT! lol! But luckily she got it in hole in one! Thank goodness. I get so anxious about getting a cannula done because my veins are so rubbish from long term blood taking and cannula fitting lol. Then I got taken into the C.T scan room and laid down and hooked up to this dye drip. OMG this dye made me feel so hot! it also made me feel like I had pissed myself! I HADN’T! just to clarify lol. But yea it was an odd sensation. After that she sat me out in the waiting area for a bit, just to make sure I was ok, then she took out the cannula and I went and got dressed! I was freezing after the dye made me so hot lol. But all went well, just didn’t expect all that jazz lol. Got the bus and headed home.

Got back into town and headed to the game shop and pre-ordered Disney infinity! Woohoo cannot wait for this game to come out! Going to be so cool! After there I headed to my tattoo shop and hung about a bit and waited for the piercing lady and I got the middle of my bottom lip pierced again. I thought it would hurt going through to scar of the old one, but it wasn’t as bad as I thought! But yea man I look awesome 😀

Feeling a bit happier today about things with the gf as we’ve been talking which is cool. She’s going to see her GP this week, so hopefully she can get something to help with this depression. She told me off for not reminding her about my scan, but I didn’t want to pile stress on her. I was ok. But I’m glad she is taking care of herself. I just miss her so much, but she’s so worth the wait! I care about her too much to let her go. 

This depression is still kicking my ass, but trying to keep going. It’s just a hard and lonely process. I just wish the docs would help me! 

Peace out

Tank girl x

Depressed!

Well after yet another invalidating appointment with the person that is meant to be looking after my mental well being. I am still feeling so depressed. Like giving up, what’s the fucking point type of depressed! and not one single person seems to actually give a fuck. Feel like I am doing this all by myself. As usual. Like I put a status on facebook asking if anyone is about tomorrow to come to my scan with me. Not one single comment! THANKS! fucking cunts! No-one bothers me with unless I sort something out, no-one texts me unless I 1st text. Just no-one is there. I am there for everyone at the drop of a hat! I’d do anything for anyone. Yet I don’t get treated in the same way by anyone! I’m sick of it. I’m always considerate of others, making sure they are ok and have everything they need/want. I even don’t say things because I know I can be as skillful as any expert in interpersonal effectiveness but that will still cause an argument so I keep it shut. Yes I suppose that does build up resentment, but I suppose I am always in hope people will just see how they are treating me and change. Maybe a bit too hopeful on my part. People wonder why I get angry and act like a bitch! It’s cuz I’m pissed at my crappy treatment. 

So yea off to my scan by myself tomorrow. Should be fun! 

Took Roxy to the pet shop this afternoon as it was her 1st birthday today. Picked up a new toy for her which she’s not sure of what she’s meant to do with it lol. It’s like a chew toy that you put a treat into, so she’s got to chew it to crunch the treat to get it out. I’m sure she will figure it out. I also got a silicon mat to put the water bowl on, as the cat has a habit of pulling the water bowl all round the floor so I end up with wet socks! which is gross! lol. Not really been able to take Roxy for a walk cuz its been far too cold out for the both of us. She was whimpering today waiting for the bus cuz she was so chilly. Poor girl.

If I get back in time tomorrow I’m going to get my bottom, middle of my lip pierced again! I NEED pain! But refuse to cut, I am so close to finishing DBT I don’t want to fuck that up! Cutting is my drug! I don’t get why they don’t understand that. DBT will never cure me of this addiction, I like it too much. I hate having to do it to make me feel better, but at the same time I love it. No amount of skill use will make that fact any different. 

I just don’t know what to do with my life to make it better. I’m out of ideas. Maybe scared to try something different. Maybe I am just destined to be alone, well just me and the animals. Going to be some crazy old lady that everyone is scared off….

Tank girl x

Snow day!

Mood has lifted a little now. I’ve been working hard at reducing my vulnerability, which has worked. 

I’ve kept myself busy. I’ve watched lots of film today as my cable is still out, only thing about living in a flat is I can’t get the to dish to brush the snow off it lol, good job I have loads of dvds. 

I took Roxy out for a wee at about 3pm, I was getting a bit of cabin fever by this point and needed to stretch my legs. So we went for a little wander and I nipped into town with her to see if the lady in the sweet shop was about, but they were closed, which I don’t blame them as town was pretty dead. So I headed over to my hair dresser and she wasn’t busy, so Roxy and I stayed there for about 3 hours just chatting and chilling out, as she wasn’t really busy either. The man that lives above there has a staff dog called coisty, who is the cutest thing ever and he loves playing with Roxy! Even though he is massive compared to her, he’s really gentle with her, which is so cute! His owner is going away soon and I am going to look after him! I can’t wait he’s such a lovely dog and will be nice for Roxy too. 

I came home at about just after 5pm and put a dvd on as the cable was still out. Made something to eat, but wasn’t really hungry so didn’t eat much. I made some yummy flapjacks after dinner and did the washing up. 

Just been relaxing and looking after myself. But I am so proud of myself for using my interpersonal effectiveness skills this afternoon, I suppose I used all 3, DEARMAN, GIVE and FAST. My gf finally contacted me and said it wasn’t about me, she’s just been in a bad place emotionally. Which I totally understand, I mean the fibro doesn’t help, but she’s also not long come out of an emotionally abusive relationship, she’s not used to being with someone like me. I’d give her me all! I mean yes she could of at least dropped me a text, but I also understand it’s hard to talk to those who are close to you about deep emotional stuff. But I hope in time she will learn to trust me so she can open up to me. But I expressed how worried I was about her and that it really hurt not contacting me. I also said that I would appreciate a text at least once a day, just so I know she’s ok. She apologized and agreed to text me at least once a day even if it’s just to say hi, which is all I ask and I’m just so happy I know she’s ok. I think I did well I remained calm and got my point across in a direct way and got the result I wanted, so I am dead proud of myself. It’s hard to remain calm when you really care about someone. I just want to be all I can for her. I also maintained my self respect too 🙂 Yay gold star for me.

Well it’s half 9pm now, so going to take Roxy for a wee, then going to have a shower, take my meds and snuggle up in bed

Here’s a picture of Coisty the dog I’m going to look after soon

 

Peace out

Tank girl x

reducing vulnerability

Group went well today. It was the last day for 2 group members and a therapist. The therapist was only there for a year as her full time job is working in mental hospital, but she just wanted to learn what DBT was about, so she could help the patients in hospital that have BPD. The 2 group members that left had done their “time” in therapy lol. It’s good to see people grow and move on. I’m not however digging the new therapist, she’s older and quiet and I need someone who can match me if that makes sense. In group I can be loud, always coming out with lil quips and stuff. I bounce off people easily, I can’t do that with her without thinking I might upset her, as she seems a bit timid. So I am so glad I’ve not got long left! Next few weeks will be mindfulness and then emotion regulation then I am OUTTA THERE! We’re not getting to get any new group members this time, so will just be 5 of us. Which will be interesting as 2 of them get on my nerves, but I’m still polite, they are just at different stages, very early stages of recovery. As someone pointed out today “Dyllan why are you here?” I am thinking the same! But I want this fucking bpd diagnosis OFF my list! It is over diagnosed and you get treated like shit! It is the most bullshit diagnosis ever! That is why I am there. Right now I am only ticking 2 of the criteria for the diagnosis! not enough to still have this fucking diagnosis. Rant over about that shit lol.

After group I went home to get Roxy to take her for a wee, but when I got home the road was crawling with police! I was like urgh what is going on now! Dropped my stuff in and grabbed Roxy and as we were getting the lift down, Like 10 police officers flew up the stairs with a battering ram, dogs and they were all armed response! So they were there to beat someone’s door in! Either drugs, guns or section 18 which is wounding with intent. I’m not sure who it was, but this is not a one off thing, the police are always calling for someone. I love living in a block with drunks, druggies and my sleaze ball next door neighbor who keeps calling me “my lover” which yes is a dialect thing kind of. But yea he’s always inviting me over and stuff and urgh he just gives me the creeps! Anyways I took Roxy for a pee and went to the sorting office and picked up my packages and then I thought I would stay away from the flat while the shit went down! So I popped in the see my hair dresser and chatted with her for a bit and she snipped Roxy’s hair for me, just the bits around her eyes. So she can see now lol. Then took Roxy home and went to the shop and picked up something for dinner. 

Just been relaxing this evening. Watching DVD’s and eating sweeties. Just trying to look after myself and reduce my vulnerability, so I don’t self harm. I’m still feeling really depressed and teary. So I did book an app with my p-doc for Monday 21st which is cool, although I am feeling very anxious about it. Been feeling quite anxious this afternoon and knowing I have an appointment has fulled it a bit.  

The forecast is snow! But as I live by the sea the snow never really settles that much, not enough to make a snowman, maybe a snow mouse lol. But still not looking forward to this cold snowy weather, my chest and joints are not a fan! 

I’ve not got anything planned for tomorrow, other then babysitting and that’s only if the buses don’t stop running. So I need to think of somethings I can do to amuse myself and continue to reduce my vulnerability. 

Peace out

Tank girl x