Well I can well and truly say, today has been the longest day EVER! It has been extremely challenging and stressful, I won’t for certain reason go into detail of the situation. But I used my DEAR MAN, FAST and GIVE skills. Myself respect remained intact. Although it ended in a long term friendship ending it is for the best. I used my skills effectively, but you can’t control the environmental effects. All I need to disclose is that I did what was needed, the friendship was not my main objective, myself respect was and I maintained that. I am not going to let people treat me how they have been doing. I deserve better. I would rather be alone then be around people that don’t have the amount of respect for me that I deserve. I will not be anyone’s option when they need me. I am not being used like that anymore. 

I believe I have changed for the better over this last years, despite struggling with the grief of losing my dad, which a year and a half on is still extremely painful. It will never be a pain that will fully go away. But I am being the best person I can be right now and if that’s just not good enough then whatever! I am not as angry as I was about life, but some people can’t see passed how I used to be. That is a reflection on them not me. 

To be honest I didn’t think I would learn anything from DBT, but I have learned a lot and put it into action, with negative outcome BUT not everything in life is all rainbows and sunshine, things are crap, but hey its out of my control I walked away with my head held high and I am proud of myself. 

I can 100% say I am no longer co dependent on ANYONE! and I haven’t been for a long time! I can stand on my own two feet and look out for myself! I just need reminding sometimes.

Don’t point your fingers at my flaws unless you are first are totally flawless! 

Heard from my girl today, which has made me smile from ear to ear. She still struggling, but she said she will try come see me in the week, she’s just been a bit worried about seeing me as she’s still feeling a bit sketchy, but this was my response to her:

Baby you can just be yourself with me. I want you for you and I’d never ever change that! We all got flaws we all get a lil crazy. But thats cool, in my eyes you are amazing and I want to be there for you, you just gotta let me in. I like you at your best so I will look after at your worst hand on my heart pinky promise. I am not going anyway. You have me completely xx

She was shocked and asked if I was serious that I didn’t want to change her and I said yes. She’s not used to being treated so well. I mean every single word. I hope she does let me in and let me show her. I’m sure she will. Relationships take time and I am willing to wait. BUT I will also not let her take the piss and I have used my skills the maintain my relationship with her and it’s been working so I am mega proud of myself! 🙂

Today has taken its toll, especially as I have been so depressed. But after all the dust settles I know I will be able to say I walked away with my head held high with myself respect intact and I should/will be proud of myself. Everyone is at different stages with their illness/wellness, some can see, some cannot. I can see I have changed for the better, but some people still treat me like nothing has changed and that is not a true reflection of how things really are. 

Right now I am so emotionally and physically drained! Going to spend this weekend looking after myself properly! I need some much needed ME time! 🙂 

Peace out

Tank girl x


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