I would never want to hurt anyone who has hurt me, revenge is for fools. But I just wished the people that have hurt me could feel my hurt and pain they have caused me. Rather then being so oblivious to it, thinking I am in the wrong about everything. Just because I am finally starting to grow a back bone and standing up for myself. But sometimes I can’t do right for doing wrong. I give my mind, body heart and soul too easily to everyone. I wear my heart on my sleeve. But if I become closed off I get moaned at for being angry and pushing people away. I just can’t get it right whatever I do!
The depression is sometimes so unbearable all I do is sit and cry. I’ve even been waking up in the middle of the night crying my eyes out, waking up with eyes so puffy and red. Yes its probably reactive to things that have been going on lately, but also a crash from being on such a high for 2 months.
S went home today. I felt so bad because all week I kept myself emotionally distant from him, he was always asking for hugs, which usually would of been fine, but I just couldn’t do it. We hugged a few times, but I was scared of getting close. I used to really like him and want to be with him. But since D, she is the only one in my heart and the only one I want. From the moment S got here I just felt so so depressed as I knew I couldn’t live up to such an exciting time that I had in mind, because I didn’t feel good and I didn’t want to get close. Keep apologizing to him for being so boring and stuff. Yea we did stuff, but not every day. A few days we just watched films. My life is by no means exciting. I don’t do much other then my groups…. Just extremely paranoid and so fucking insecure about myself as a person, questioning everything about me. I don’t know who I am any more. I can’t even say I miss him, I suppose I do, but from when he arrived till when he left I just wished he wasn’t there. That sounds so awful, but I just wanted to hide away from everyone and everything, but I couldn’t. I had to try and be happy and fun. I know I wasn’t the whole time. But its hard trying to fake it.
I feel like such an awful person. So depressed, cutting constantly on my mind. I don’t want to cut because it will just be such a massive step backwards, but I know it will make me feel better. I need to bleed out all the things that make me so nasty and make people hate me. Death seems like such a good option as well. I am so tired of fighting and getting no where. I know death is a permanent solution to what seems like a temporary issue, but this friends shit, just seems to happen over and over and over….which is why I am questioning myself, because I surely can’t be entirely blameless it I must be doing something wrong. I thought I had changed so much, I’m not as angry as I was, I’m more easy going, I’m trying my best to get close to people, but its hard when I keep getting hurt so bad. I do the opposite of what my brain says, because its usually the wrong thing to do. I use my DBT skills to the best of my ability, especially the skills that help you with relationships/friendships. But non of it makes people want to stick around me. I try and try and try and still end up so alone. I just don’t know where I go wrong. Maybe I am too opinionated… I don’t know
I need to protect myself and my heart. I’m not going to close myself off completely but I’m going to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve and stop being so helpful. If people want something from me then they are going to have to 1st prove they can be a true friend. I am doing nothing for free anymore.
Feeling extremely down. But I suppose I’ve got to keep my head held high and carry on. 😥
Tank girl x