Tank girl day :)

Ah! Finally a day to myself!

I woke up at about 10 am, then had some breakfast and  T.V. I then felt tired again by about 11 am, so I snuggled up on the sofa with my fur babies and slept till about 2 pm! I think I must of needed it.

I got up and had a shower and got dressed and me and foxy girl went for a walk round the Quay. We were only out for about an hour because it was so so hot, but so nice. My head was starting to hurt and foxy was getting tired, so after about just over an hour we came home.

Came home and watched a couple of episodes of Dexter season 7. It got to about 5:30 pm and I decided to do my bitch jobs (house chores) which didn’t take long, but made me feel good that its done for the next few days. 

Did myself some dinner and watched the last episode of Dexter season 7! OMG I cannot wait for season 8, but cannot believe it will be the last ever season… What will I do without Dexter Morgan in my life haha, so pleased I have them on DVD so I can watch them over and over. I suppose all good things must come to and end.

I did a massive thing today. It may seem small to others, but to me it is a big thing. I deleted pictures of D off my phone 🙂 I feel like I am starting to move forward from this situation. It’s still painful and I still love her, but I am slowly moving on. 

Just been relaxing watching t.v this evening, which has been so nice. Although I got sun burnt yesterday and only now is it starting to feel sore! 

Mentally just feeling rested and contented. Physically totally shattered so its bed time soon.

Maths class in the morning.

Peace out

Tank girl x

Busted! but was worth it

Didn’t end up walking taking foxy girl for a stomp today. I just chilled out this morning instead. I felt like I still needed it. 

I had the rest of my batman tattoo finished off and it’s looking amazing. I spent most of the day chilling out and chatting there. 

Cleaned up the flat this evening and did some laundry. Did some dinner and been chilling out.

I got busted by D tonight for talking to K. She had told me to not contact her, but the only reason I did contact her was to see if she had got my present I had posted as D had ignored my text messages. Her excuse as always is that she’s been really ill. But seriously no matter how poorly you are it doesn’t take 5 mins to drop someone a text….She wanted to keep in contact etc. Anyway it gave me a chance to express how I still feel about her, how much I did for both of them and all that. So I feel bad cuz K is probably going to get into a bit of trouble about it. But I feel better to expressing myself to D. But what will be will be at the end of the day. I will either get over D in time, or in time she will want to be with me again. But whatever happens I am going to live day by day, doing the best I can, reach my goals. You never know I may meet someone who will sweep me off my feet and make me get over D. But yea what will be will be.

I will always try to remain positive and fight with every ounce of energy I have. I maybe wounded but not slain! This tank girl will rise again. Life is hard and when I’m depressed everything seems so impossible. But I will march on, with my dad walking by me every step of the way ❤ 

Peace out

Tank girl x

Becoming more social :)

Man I can spend money like no one’s business lol!

Bipolar course was hard work this morning, just didn’t really capture my interest! So I just sat playing games on my phone lol….I thought that my Windows 8 phone would be good as at 1st it didn’t have many free decent apps to download…. Now it has lol! and I keep getting distracted by them when I’m bored. But yea today was a bit of a yawn fest! and some crap others were coming out with, I’m like wtf! lol. 

After I went home, sat about for a bit. Trying to decide what to do 1st. Booked foxy girl in for a hair cut, paid my sky bill and cell bill. Then went into town and bought some graphic novels and some cat toys and a kitten harness for Gizmo. 

Booked tickets for this Geek convention, where you can get up close to props from films like alien, star wars e.t.c and they were only £4 each so booked 4! Cuz I know a few mates that will want to come. 

Just did fuck all most of the evening. Checked my bank account then realized I’d skinted myself…. So I made a food shopping list as I deffo needed to get food, nipped to the shop, took the rest of my money out, got food shopping. Which didn’t cost much, as I only need a weeks worth. But yea going to put aside the money for foxy’s hair cut next week, as that is a must, because its long and hot over here atm, so yea. 

This evening I took Foxy girl and Gizmo out for our evening walk 🙂 OMG it was sooo much fun. Going to take gizmo every time now, well only when it’s nice out.

 Gizmo and Foxy girl ❤ best friends ❤ 

Peace out 

Tank girl x

Boom done :D

Well today was the day! I braved getting on the train to my training course. I met the lady on the train that was on the course with me. I found her no problems. We got to Dorchester and got in a taxi too the youth club training center. We had sometime to kill so we sat outside with 2 others on the course and chilled out in the sunshine.

The course pretty much started on time and finished on time. 6 hours in a hot classroom. It was hard work, but also interesting. I’m so glad I took a diazepam before I left my house in the morning as it chilled me out for the whole day. A guy on the course gave M and I a lift to the train station and we had a little time to wait for the train home, so we sat and chatted. I was home by 5 pm and my friend dropped my foxy girl back at about 6 pm. I was SO pleased to see her I had missed her so so much! She went mad dashing about the flat lol. Very grateful to my friend for having her and she said we will def meet up next week as we haven’t seen each other properly since last November. So mega happy about that as I miss her loads, she used to work in town so we used to see each other everyday. But she had to change jobs.

I had dinner and I was sat here thinking I have TONS of energy I need to get out before I do my own head in lol. So I dragged out an already tired foxy girl, who’d already been taken to the beach and been played with by an 18month old lil dude all day. But I needed to get out, so we went for a walk round the park and it was SO hot and muggy, but felt so much better for it. Poor fox is so tired she’s barely raised her head since we got back.

Just been relaxing and playing games on facebook. 

Meeting up with a friend I met through my mom. She’s a bit younger then me and she’s got a little girl, so we are off to the park tomorrow to feed the ducks and play on the swings emoticon smile 

Feeling pretty hyped up, I’m not sure how I’m going to sleep tonight lol despite being up and 7am! Might take foxy for a last wee break and have a nice relaxing shower and see if that helps me sleep.

Peace out

Tank girl x

 

Overly prepared

Relaxing day.

I didn’t get up and dressed till about 1 pm. I took foxy girl out for a little walk and a wee. I had some lunch and watched t.v.

My friend came over to pick up my foxy girl, as tomorrow I have a training course and its an early start and a long day and I don’t want to leave her for so long. It was just easier for C to pick her up this evening so it’s not a mad dash in the morning as C has the school run to do and I need to be on the train at 8:30 am. Feeling so lost without her here. She’s my world. ❤ 

Had some proper dinner again tonight, then chilled out some more. My head was pounding, the weather is so heavy and muggy. 

Went to the shop and got Gizmo a new toy and I got foxy girl a toy too for when she comes back tomorrow. I also got some baby bath wash stuff which smells like lavender, its meant to help babies sleep, but its helps me relax too. I got a can of no fear for an energy boost tomorrow. 

I came home, put Gizmo’s toy together, did the dishes, got my bag ready, made my lunch for tomorrow as its not being provided, had a nice relaxing shower and now I am chilling out watching a film. 

Everything is already for tomorrow. God I sound like I’m going away for a week. But I find being prepared helps with my anxiety. I’ve even got my clothes out ready for the morning. So all I need to do is shower, dress and have breakfast and put my lunch in my bag and BOOM I’m done.

Had a good chat wit my momma tonight and explained the situation with my friend J that I fell out with and she is on my side 🙂 and said I am not a bad person and that people are just selfish. She is having similar problems with the people at work, so was nice to kind of bond over something we are both going through. It made me feel a bit better about myself and the whole situation. We may not be close, but I am trying to rectify that. But its hard and a long process.

Bed time after this film. Think an early night will do me good. 

 Gizmo and his new toy

Peace out

Tank girl x

Down the deep dark hole of depression.

I would never want to hurt anyone who has hurt me, revenge is for fools. But I just wished the people that have hurt me could feel my hurt and pain they have caused me. Rather then being so oblivious to it, thinking I am in the wrong about everything. Just because I am finally starting to grow a back bone and standing up for myself. But sometimes I can’t do right for doing wrong. I give my mind, body heart and soul too easily to everyone. I wear my heart on my sleeve. But if I become closed off I get moaned at for being angry and pushing people away. I just can’t get it right whatever I do!

The depression is sometimes so unbearable all I do is sit and cry. I’ve even been waking up in the middle of the night crying my eyes out, waking up with eyes so puffy and red. Yes its probably reactive to things that have been going on lately, but also a crash from being on such a high for 2 months. 

S went home today. I felt so bad because all week I kept myself emotionally distant from him, he was always asking for hugs, which usually would of been fine, but I just couldn’t do it. We hugged a few times, but I was scared of getting close. I used to really like him and want to be with him. But since D, she is the only one in my heart and the only one I want. From the moment S got here I just felt so so depressed as I knew I couldn’t live up to such an exciting time that I had in mind, because I didn’t feel good and I didn’t want to get close. Keep apologizing to him for being so boring and stuff. Yea we did stuff, but not every day. A few days we just watched films. My life is by no means exciting. I don’t do much other then my groups…. Just extremely paranoid and so fucking insecure about myself as a person, questioning everything about me. I don’t know who I am any more. I can’t even say I miss him, I suppose I do, but from when he arrived till when he left I just wished he wasn’t there. That sounds so awful, but I just wanted to hide away from everyone and everything, but I couldn’t. I had to try and be happy and fun. I know I wasn’t the whole time. But its hard trying to fake it.

I feel like such an awful person. So depressed, cutting constantly on my mind. I don’t want to cut because it will just be such a massive step backwards, but I know it will make me feel better. I need to bleed out all the things that make me so nasty and make people hate me. Death seems like such a good option as well. I am so tired of fighting and getting no where. I know death is a permanent solution to what seems like a temporary issue, but this friends shit, just seems to happen over and over and over….which is why I am questioning myself, because I surely can’t be entirely blameless it I must be doing something wrong. I thought I had changed so much, I’m not as angry as I was, I’m more easy going, I’m trying my best to get close to people, but its hard when I keep getting hurt so bad. I do the opposite of what my brain says, because its usually the wrong thing to do. I use my DBT skills to the best of my ability, especially the skills that help you with relationships/friendships. But non of it makes people want to stick around me. I try and try and try and still end up so alone. I just don’t know where I go wrong. Maybe I am too opinionated… I don’t know :/ 

I need to protect myself and my heart. I’m not going to close myself off completely but I’m going to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve and stop being so helpful. If people want something from me then they are going to have to 1st prove they can be a true friend. I am doing nothing for free anymore. 

Feeling extremely down. But I suppose I’ve got to keep my head held high and carry on. 😥

Peace out

Tank girl x

Psych app

P-doc app went ok. He was a bit odd, couldn’t place his accent, but he sounded so posh. But he did take a call about another patient in which he spoke for about 10mins and even said that this person was the worst case he’d seen and that she needs to be lobotomized! I was like wtf lol. Then after him chatting shit about how well I’ve been doing etc I managed to get a word in about the flashbacks and stuff and he said I’ve got to face them head on and I was like I do, don’t really have a choice to ignore them as they kinda knock me off my feet a bit, but I just said I wanted something to take for when they make the anxiety unbearable, so he gave me 2 weeks worth of diazepam 5mg. So pretty happy with all that.

Spent the rest of the day showing S round town, we went into the little museum about the history of Poole. Was nice just to potter about. 

Just been chilling out this evening watching dvd’s and stuff. Still not feeling so great, just keep feeling really down, but can’t show it. Gotta be all happy as I have a visitor. But suppose its good in a way, cuz means I’m not sat dwelling or whatever.

Got a good day planned for tomorrow.

Peace out

Tank girl x

Tired and achy

The living with bipolar course on Friday went well, for once I felt wide awake through the whole thing, which is unusual for me as most mornings I struggle, but I felt so hyped up, that it was ok. Got given some bits to do for homework which is cool, just got to remember to do it. Just relaxed the rest of the day. I was meant to babysit, but I wasn’t needed in the end :/

Saturday I got up early so I could be online ready for 9am to book tickets to see Russell Brand live in October. Manged to get two tickets, which I am so hyped about, they guy is such a legend 🙂 something to look forward too. Just sat about most of the day in my boxers lol, while watching the rest of season 6 of Doctor Who… I finished it and then was like omg what do I do with my life now lol! Then I cleaned up the flat, got a shower and got dressed and took foxy girl out for a wee. Watched more t.v. Then at half 7pm I left mine to go meet my mate S off the coach as he’s staying with me for a bit 🙂 We then come back to mine dropped off his stuff and we went to Asda to grab him some dinner, then chilled out for the rest of the evening.

Today we went for a walk round the park, but it really did me in, I’ve been so tired and achy today its not been nice, so we’ve just sat and watched films all afternoon/evening.

Been feeling a bit anxious on and off today, with a few flashbacks as well. So glad I got my p-doc app in the morning. Bit anxious about that though as I’ve not met him before, so fingers crossed he’ll be ok. Just trying not to focus on the bad stuff so much, but it’s hard not to get drawn into it. I think some days if I didn’t have foxy to take out I wouldn’t leave the flat, but I know that would only make it worse. I feel less anxious when I’m out with foxy girl. Just trying not to be so hard on myself, but its hard. Just gotta keep pushing through.

Peace out

Tank girl x

Best night of my life so far.

Today (5/6/13) Has been amazing! 

Had a relaxing morning, I then met up with a friend and her dog titch and we went for a walk round the park with our dogs. It’s been such a lovely day, a bit cooler then yesterday which was nice. It was good to catch up with her and the dogs got on well. We saw some swans and their little babies 🙂 So cute. 

After the walk I took my friend to the train station and waited with her till she got on. Then foxy girl and I went home and had some lunch and chilled out watching Doctor Who.

It got to about just after 3pm and I had a shower and got dressed, then nipped to the shop to pick up some dinner, then watched some more Doctor Who. Took foxy girl for a quick toilet break, came back and had my dinner and chilled out.

Left mine about 5:15 pm and walked to the bus station and hopped on the bus. I got to the BIC (Bournemouth international center) a bit early, but it was still nice out so I just chilled outside waiting for my friend to come. My friend finally came and we went inside, only to find out I accidently booked standing tickets lol! Freaked me out slightly, but mega excited. So glad I had a belly full of pain killers before I left. The gig started at 8 pm, the supporting act was actually really good, usually there a bit shit, but she was really good. Then Paloma Faith did the most amazing gig! She played for about an hour and a half and she came so close to me 😀 OMG it was so exciting! The 2nd best gig I’ve ever been too, 1st being P!nk ❤ 

Got home at about midnight to a very excited puppy! and I took her out for a toilet break before bed. Omg I am fucking buzzing! I am SO tired, but way too wired up too sleep haha 🙂 will take my meds very soon.

 The swans and babies 

 Paloma Faith 🙂 she came SO close ❤

Peace out

Tank girl x

Another sunny day :)

Today has been ok, I’ve not felt so anxious as I have been, so that’s been nice. I got a few things in the post this morning which is always exciting 🙂 I got my new batman cap! Which is just so epic! season 6 of Doctor Who and a plush toy of sparky from frankenweeine! It was like a little xmas in June lol.

Took foxy girl for a little wander, but didn’t stay out too long as it’s been too hot for her to be out for any length of time. I nipped into the Quay Advice center to give back the book I borrowed from my old counsellor. I stayed and chatted for a bit. Then had a little wander about town. Went home and grabbed foxy for another little walk, it was a bit cooler, but still too hot to be out too long with her. 

After I got back I cleaned up the flat and because I’ve been keeping on top of it all it didn’t take long to do. I’ve never been so on top of my cleaning, so feeling really great about it. The flat is tidy and clean and it makes me feel so much better. Some how makes my thoughts feel a bit more organized as well. Makes me feel like I can invite people over without being embarrassed about my flat.

Had a rest before I started dinner, which didn’t take long, I had chips, smoked haddock and peas. It was really yummy 🙂

I finally managed to get Gizmo’s worming pill down him, I crushed it up and put a little bit of wet food and mixed it all up and he ate most of it, then I just kept topping it up with his meat and mixing it all in and he’s pretty much eaten it all. Its good because I have put it on the side out of the way of Foxy and my other cat Marley will only eat proper meat, she wont eat the cat food meat, only biscuits. Momma 1 Gizmo 0 🙂 haha

Just been chilling out watching Doctor Who! It’s so awesome.

Meeting a friend tomorrow to talk our dogs for a walk in the park. The tomorrow evening I am going to see Paloma Faith in concert, I’m going with my best friend. It’s going to be amazing, I cannot wait!

 New cap 🙂

Peace out

Tank girl x