Just coping

Managed to get myself to bed at a reasonable time last night, well before 2 am anyways. Slept ok-ish.

I even managed to get up this morning in time to eat, shower, dress and take foxy for a wee. I’ve been so lucky that the courses I am on are only a 5 min walk from me. 

The 1st one was Basic counselling skills. Which was cool, we did a lot of role play, which was challenging, but good. It’s really hard to think of open ended questions. Small children are the best at open ended questions, but as we get older we learn closed ended questions and they are so much easier then open ended questions. But its all good practice. I need to study the basic model for counselling this week as next week we’ll be doing it without prompts, also have to remember to tell the client about confidentially, which I find easy as I have had so much counselling lol!

The 2nd was the last of the working with anxiety and panic. Today we were talking about stress and how it manifests itself physically. We also did a bit of role play, which was really good 🙂 But I’m glad its the last Friday of courses 10 am -4 pm. 

Came home and sorted myself out, then took foxy girl out for a wee, I was too tired to take her any further then across the road. Just been chilling out this evening, talking to friends online and texting friends which has been nice 🙂 

Got some great news, my friend L finally had her baby boy this evening 🙂 9lbs 6oz! both are doing really well despite a difficult pregnancy and birth. He is so so beautiful and perfect. He’s mixed race but is so white at the moment, but he will get his colour in the coming days. So welcome to the world Albert 🙂 I can’t wait to meet you.

Decided I am going to trade in/ or sell my WII U ( have a friend of a friend that is interested in it, but want it gone asap) I don’t play on it much and I really need to money so I can get Disney infinity the starter pack and figures and I should have money left over to get the 4 skylander figures I need. So yea cannot wait till the shops open. It’s nearly 2 am so doubt I’ll be up till nearly midday lol

Feeling less stressed about work, they have been so great! But I’m still depressed, struggling with simple day to day stuff like sleeping and eating properly. Still feeling depressed and the self harm thoughts are just driving me mad. Feeling pretty numb too… but not sure why! But I am at least keeping on top of my cleaning which is good and makes me feel better about myself. Self care is hard, but I am trying.

So later today will be filled with bill paying, getting the new game and possibly a bit of food shopping, but I might just get something easy to make just for Saturday and Sunday, so its not too overwhelming. I am also going to try and take foxy girl for a walk maybe Sunday. I don’t want to plan too much and overwhelm myself. Just going to take things small bits at a time. 

Peace out

Tank girl x

psych app

So my p-doc app went really well…. which was such a surprise! I went in with a plan with what I wanted from it and got it too. He’s put in a request for me to get a CPN for 6 sessions to come up with a current care plan and crisis plan, as we looked and my care plan was last updated 2 years ago! which is totally out of date. We talked about my youth work and he said he could see I was very conflicted about it, but he said he feels I’m not ready for it. Although he did say he would like my to persist, but if its making me ill then its not worth it. So I am so glad he agrees with me. Such a weight off my shoulders. I explained that I felt I couldn’t cut because of the youth work, I don’t want to cut, but having that added pressure of not being able too…. makes it worse. But so glad it went well, he was so nice to me and I think he could see I was anxious and upset about it all and he said if I need help with the benefits change over then he will write a letter. I’m just so shocked at what a difference of going in with a plan can make.

Pretty much just done nothing today, apart from my app. Just don’t feel like doing anything other then sitting in my pit and watching T.V

I emailed my manager S this is what I sent

Hey S I’m writing you this email as, I’d be a blubbering wreck face to face… Bit of a cop out I know. Basically I’ve really been struggling with depression the last few weeks and have been completely stressing myself out about it. I have seen my psychiatrist today and explained the situation and he’s in agreement with me that I’m not quite ready for voluntary work right now, I’ve really tried my hardest to maintain good mental health, so I can work, but its becoming harder to do as I am putting too much pressure on myself. I hate to let you, the team and the young people down and I’ve been really conflicted about this, but I’m going to have to leave the voluntary work for now emoticon sad I would love to say I’ll be back after Christmas, but a date would stress me out. But I would love the opportunity to try again when I feel stronger and when I’m more ready. I think I’ve pushed myself too hard. I’m going to finish the courses I’m currently doing. But I’m going to have to give the up coming courses a miss. I’m so so sorry to have to do this and I feel so awful, but I’ve got to think of my mental health emoticon sad I don’t want it getting worse. Deepest apologies.
Dyllan x

I sent it late, so I’ve not had a reply. Feel so guilty and hate to let people down. 1 step forward and 100 back… But I don’t want to become too ill. The depression is bad enough right now. 

Fucking technology hates me right now! laptop had a complete spazz out and had to refresh it…. and had to re-install google chrome, which means I can no longer get onto D’s fb…. but in the long run it will be a good thing, something else to let go and move on. I still love her. I’ve been thinking I’m not ready to be with anyone else…. Not sure if meeting this girl is a good idea :/ don’t want to string her along….. maybe just meet as just friends. Urgh! Life is so fucking hard. Hate being such an emotional sensitive person! Being a bitch gets me nowhere, being nice gets me nowhere…… *sigh* Just want someone to come and take this all away, or at least help me. 

Head hurts and my gp is fully booked this week. If I want to try and get an app I need to ring at 8 am! pfft! Might ring and get an app for next week. 

Peace out

Tank girl x

Still going

Today at work we moved office and did a bit of work, I also got my manager to do my h/w sheet from the basic couselling skills course. I had to get someone to fill in a sheet about my body language and I have to fill out one on myself. As I already mentioned I didn’t specifically say I wasn’t feeling good and didn’t want to work tomorrow night, but she knows I might not attend tomorrow and she was fine with that. 

Was really bad and had KFC again for lunch :/ (ate at home though) Then had a nap, as I was tired and didn’t really want to do anything. Woke up about 5 pm, watched T.V just sat. Eventually got up did the washing up and made some yummy cakes 🙂 did the the washing up again and put on dinner. Had steak and mash, was yummy, but wasn’t really hungry, but tried to eat anyway. Gave the rest to the animals. Was gone 8 pm by this time. 

Just been chilling out this evening watching Six Feet Under and I filled out my activity sheet for the week, which mainly consists of “relaxing” but I just don’t want to do anything, I just want to hide away as much as I can. 

It’s nearly midnight now and I’ve not done up my med box, but will do that soon, will make my way to bed after this episode. My head hurts so so much 😦 feeling rough!

 Cakes I made

Peace out

Tank girl x

 

 

Pretty chilled :)

Took my time to get up and ready this morning, which was nice. Although I woke up with a massive head ache and puffy eyes as I cried myself to sleep last night ( was having a bit of and emotional wobble, stupid period) 

Eventually left and made my way to my friend L’s house. Her bubba is due tomorrow, I’m so excited for her. She’s so big and uncomfortable bless her and with this muggyness it doesn’t help. I went there to pick up her rats as she no longer wants them. Her mom got them for her after her last rat was put to sleep, but she didn’t really want them. They are 2 girl dumbo rats and so friendly. I stayed for a bit and chatted. Had a lovely afternoon.

Got home at just after 4 pm,  put the ratties in the shower cubicle and closed the bathroom door, then I went to the shop and got them some wood pellets and toys for their cage. Came back and sorted them out and put them in my bedroom as the cats aren’t allowed in there and never even try to get in. 

Couldn’t be bothered to cook tonight, so eventually went and got KFC for dinner 🙂 which was yummy and so needed.

Just been chilling out this evening watching T.V. I played the the new ratties for a bit as well, I named them Harley and Quinn 🙂

Feeling pretty good today after my emotional wobble yesterday. I think I’m just putting way too much pressure on myself! 😦 which I’m trying not too do, but its hard.

 Harley (the black and white one) Quinn (the white and brown one)

Peace out

Tank girl x

Busy lil tank girl

Today has been long but good.

Slept fairly ok last night, when I finally got to sleep at nearly 1 am.

10 am- 1 pm Was my basic counselling skills course, which was really interesting and nice to work with my old counsellor again. We did a few activities which was great, I hate just sitting and listening. 

1 pm – 4 pm was Working with anxiety and panic and again it was activity based which is good.

Made myself dinner and chilled out. Been watching the rest of House, nearly finished it now.

Going to pick up two new members to add to my lil fury family 🙂 I can’t wait. 

My brother is driving me insane. I love that we get on well now, as kids we didn’t. But since dad died we have become a lot closer. But he rings me nearly everyday. Which is fine, but he’s always wanting my constant attention and to meet up. But he doesn’t seem to understand that just because I don’t work, it doesn’t mean I am always available. When I’m not working or on my courses, I’m resting and taking care of myself, but its really hard to explain to him as he takes it the wrong way. Like this week he passed his driving test 1st time, which I am proud of him and have told him so, but now he’s got his car he wants me to see it etc and I’m just like, I want this weekend to myself! I’m going to pick up my new pets and then I am spending time to myself. I need it as next week is another busy week with work and courses and in between I need to look after me and my needs and maybe see my brother if I have time. But like him and other friends seem to think I can just drop everything for them. Maybe once in the past but not anymore, I’ve got to look after my mental and physical health in order to be well enough to do my work and courses. I just wish things were easier to explain. It’s hard with my brother as he does have learning difficulties and does have a tendency to think the world revolves around him. 

I know I moan about not having many friends, but I am beginning to build bridges with a few people I fell out with after my dad died, which is nice. But now with doing to voluntary work and courses I am busy and have less time on my hands to worry about not being included by my friends and the friends that really do matter to me, I have been making time for and actually hanging out with. Why can’t things just be simple?! why is it all or nothing. 

On the days I’m working in the evening I spend relaxing. Even though I only work a few hours, the work we do is draining. Urgh I don’t even know why I am explaining myself. I just wish others understood. It’s not easy for me to just keep going! I have to take care of myself or I’ll end up in either type of hospital! *sigh*

Also as I posted on a thread I made about either talking/singing or making clicking noises to myself. The clicking noises is the most prominent one and the one I notice I do more and more often. I am going to discuss it with my p-doc at my next appointment. Something to add to my growing list of questions lol

Peace out

Tank girl

A bit manic :)

I managed to get up this morning despite not getting to sleep till just gone 1 am this morning. I went along to the office thinking we were doing admin work, but we did some team building exercises which was much more interesting and fun, I had a really good time. But back there next week for admin work. So glad to be on the team. I’m working at one of the local youth groups tomorrow night, can’t wait 🙂

Treated myself to KFC for lunch and met my brother for 5 mins as he was dropping my spare keys back to me. Came home and ate my KFC, as the place was so noisy and full of kids lol and I had a migraine coming on. Ate then took foxy for a wee and the heavens decided to open. Nipped to the shop to get dinner and a few other bits. Came home, took pain killers and had a nap for a few hours. Woke up feeling so much better and nice and refreshed.

Didn’t feel like cooking what I had picked up, so just did cheesy beans on toast instead! the lazy mans dinner lol. Just been relaxing watching house this evening.

Feeling wide awake and a bit manic with lots of ideas running through my brain. I get paid at midnight so may go do a bit of food shopping as it will be less manic. Asda is so busy during the day because it’s the school holidays. 

I need to fill out my activity sheet for the week, need to make a food shopping list and a list of things I need to do tomorrow. Need to order ink for my printer and need to do my med box up for the week. I’ll get a lot done tonight as I’m buzzing. 

I’m going to keep all my activity sheet’s and write some questions for my next p-doc app all together as I want to be prepared for it and get as much out of it as I can.

Mentally feeling great, really refreshed and just good. Physically not too bad, but I’m due on this week so my boobs feel like bloody rocks and are so sore. But otherwise I’m good. 

Hope everyone has a good week.

Peace out

Tank girl x