Poorly tank girl :(

Well I’ve not been on for a few days, mainly because I’ve been feeling poorly.

Friday 27th I started my new dose of methotrexate. I went from taking 22.5mgs to taking 25mgs which is maximum dose. 

I woke up at about 9:30 am and I felt a bit drowsy, I got a shower and got dressed and had some breakfast. I started feeling really sick so I just took it easy. I was meant to be meeting my mom and her bf, but by the time I’d got ready it was the time I was meant to meet them, so they drove down and picked up me and foxy pup. We went to a market which was nice, I picked up some strawberry flavoured grapes and OMG they we so yummy! Weird but yummy. Then went back to mom’s and chilled out for a bit and mom and her bf fell asleep for a bit lol. Me and mom then walked up to the shop and got some veggies for dinner and we came back and put on a roast dinner 🙂 nothing beats your mom’s home cooked roast dinner! I tried to eat as much as I could but I still wasn’t feeling too good, I felt tired and sicky 😦 We chilled out after dinner for a bit then they took me and foxy home and came in for a bit as mom wanted me to print something off for her. 

After they left I felt really hot so I stripped off down to my boxers and chilled on the sofa. I started to feel really sick and my tummy was hurting so bad 😦 so I rang out of hours just to get some advice and they took nearly 2 hours to get back to me and she said it was ok to carry on taking my pain killers as normal and I was just experiencing normal side effects, but she said if I got worse then the ring back. So I took foxy girl for a wee, even though I felt like passing out and came back and took my pain meds and regular meds and foxy and I headed to bed. The pain was so bad I couldn’t get comfortable and ended up crying myself to sleep.

Got woken up early by the cats meowing at my bedroom door wanting their breakfast lol! So I got up and fed the greedy monkeys to shut them up! and I snuggled up on the sofa and fell back to sleep as I was feeling so tired still. I got up at about midday and got a shower and got dressed so I could take foxy for a wee. Came back and chilled out. I watched to final disk of Hannibal and it was really good 🙂 

S and R were meant to come over this evening but R flacked out on us so I just went out to dinner with S and her mom instead, I did get meat out to make cottage pie, but felt too weak and drowsy to stand and cook. After dinner I went back to S’s for a few hours which was cool.

Just been chilling out this evening playing fb games and catching up on here. Feeling much better then I did.

Better get to bed soon.

Peace out

Tank girl x

Relaxing and reflecting

Today I’ve just spent relaxing and reflecting. I woke up at about 9:30 am and had some ready brek for breakfast 🙂 and just chilled out watching t.v till midday. I was all snuggled up on the sofa with my fur babies, it was so nice and just what my body and mind needed! 

I had some lunch and had a nice shower, but I showered using mindfulness, so everything was nice and slow, noticing the smell of my shower gel, how the bubbles felt against my skin etc. Just helped refocus my head and just relax me. I got dressed then took my foxy girl out for a wee. I let her off the lead again, but this time was a bit more tricky as there were a fair few people about and she kept going up to them and she found it hard to listen to me… She then nearly gave me a heart attack as she headed towards the road and she FINALLY stopped when I shouted ‘WAIT’ and showed her the treat and she soon came running back. Keeping calm was SO hard, but I had too otherwise she would of just kept running. I new to this doggy training stuff as she’s the 1st dog I’ve ever owned, but I have been looking up lil tricks and tips to help me train her while we are out, but I think I am doing pretty well considering! I’ve not lost her yet lol! So total bonus! 

Just relaxed some more this afternoon, took some pain killers and 5mgs of diazepam just to relax myself some more, got my big comfy pillow and laid down snuggled up with all my fur babies and watching crappy chat show and the house wives of Vancouver, which I nearly cried at as one of the ladies has a sick daughter and she nearly lost her, which was so sad. I don’t know why I empathize so easily with people I don’t even know and situations I’ve never even been it…. I suppose its good, but it also means I hurt a lot.

Made myself some dinner, roast potatoes, smoked haddock and peas 🙂 It was really yummy and the animals ate what I couldn’t. 

Like I said earlier I’ve been reflecting today and even though I’ve been knocked down, hurt and rejected, I will not be beaten! There are good people in this world and I have 6 people in my life that are always there for me and I know I can always count on no matter what! Yes I’ve come across a lot of dick heads recently, but what doesn’t kill me only makes me stronger! Yes they have made me feel bad, but by me feeling bad has no effect on them what so ever…so the only person hurting is me and I can stop that hurt, but not caring about these people that have been so horrible to me. If they had any kind of a conscience at all then they would express that they felt bad about how they’ve been treating me, but so far non of them have! So FUCK EM! I am wounded but not slain. I shall lay me down and rest a while. And then I will rise and fight again 🙂 This tank girl will fight to see another day! Having said all that YES my dark passenger is walking in my shadow, I can feel it close to my skin. I’m trying to ignore him, but if it happens it happens, just a few more scars too add to the rest wont make any difference. My dark passenger is a part of me and I think it always will be. I have more control over it then I ever did before. Cutting is a choice and YES sometimes I choose to cut for a number of reasons, the main reason being is that I love cutting….the same as people like smoking, cutting is my vice! Right now I can’t see my future without my dark passenger… that seems like a pretty scary prospect! BUT he is in my total control. 

So yea after taking a day to myself I feel better. For now. I was just overwhelmed with everything going on in my life right now. But I need to hold on to the fact I do have good people in my life and I am so blessed as a result. Those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter 🙂 

Peace out

Tank girl 🙂 x

:( Struggling….

Appointment was a complete waste of time!! There is thickening on the lining of the inside of my nose, but air is still getting through, so there is no need to do anything!! Utter bollox!! Its really bad on the left hand side. But i can breathe so its fine. He’s not sure what’s causing my headaches. I asked about reconstructive surgery and he said the nhs won’t do it for cosmetic surgery!! Utter twat!! It wouldn’t be for cosmetic reasons! So yea nothing happened as a result! If i want to be referred back to London I’ve got to ask my gp! And they are going to make me an app for my ent specialist as the doc i saw was just part of his team. So fuming as I’m back at square one with no one doing fuck all!!  

Feeling so fucking frustrated! Docs are shit, people lie! gonna have to drag D to court if she does not contact me in a WEEK! Still don’t know why J blocked me….. 😥 Just done trying with people, makes no fucking difference at the end of every day I go home alone…

Atm I give up…. I’m so tired of fighting to get the right treatment…

D yes looks like I’m going to have to take the stupid bitch to court! T the woman who D sold the car too who was giving D the money for it has now blocked me on fb and LIED to me saying she hasn’t got D on her fb anymore which is a LIE! 

 J is someone I have known since I was about 10years old. I’ve not the faintest idea at all why I’ve been blocked I’ve even asked her partner and he’s ignored me too! 

Just fucking hate everything right now its all a fucking load of bullshit!

Just take me to the vets and put me down because seriously! You would not let a dog suffer like this had a fucking gut full of it all! and whatever I do its always my fucking fault

Peace out

Tank girl 

 
 

Proud dog owner :)

Had a slow start to the day, just chilled out sleeping mainly lol! 

Then I took my foxy girl for a walk, which took about 2 hours as we had to stop at say hello to nearly every dog and person! We got to the big green field and I’ve been bursting to take her off her lead for ages! But been to scared too. But this field is big so I thought I would let her off the lead. OMG I was so freaking anxious about it lol, but had to remain calm as I didn’t want to freak her out. At first she was just walking beside me as she hadn’t caught on that she was free to run, then she started running and OMG my lil heart was racing, but I calmly bent down and called her back and she came straight away and I did that a few times and also told her to wait a few times and she did! and she did it all without the offer of treats 🙂 I am still smiling ear to ear now about! Can’t wait to do it again. 

After my walk I went to see S as she wanted me to take the library as she needed to do some photo copying but didn’t know where it was. So I sat in the shop for a bit while her mom had a cup of tea, then S and I went into town. She decided not to do her paperwork at the library as it would of cost too much, so we went back to the shop and S let me do my own pick and mix 😀 so cool! then I kept her company up stairs while she put her files together for court. She is trying to get her husband over here from Egypt and Egypt is not in the EU and he’s Muslin so yea they are fighting a really hard battle. He’s not going to be coming over to claim benefits, he’s going to be working and S will be supporting them both until he does find a job. Anyway its been really stressful for them both and she has a court hearing in 12 days to plead her case! Prayers for S and Mally! I pray they are able to be together soon ❤ We were naughty again tonight and all went out for dinner lol.

Just been relaxing this evening, heads hurting as usual! 😦 Been meaning to go to bed but, I needed to write on here. Got my ENT app tomorrow, my mom and friend C are coming with me, so that’s cool.

Right I need to take my meds and go to bed!

 Foxy girl off her lead 😀 proud moment!

 Baiter 🙂

Peace out

Tank girl x

 

Hospital appointment

Woke up at a reasonable time again this morning and had some yummy ready brek 🙂 But for some reason I over indulged and kept eating even though I was full….Kinda of just did it without really being mindful of what I was doing. So felt a bit sick and my head was hurting, so I led on the sofa for an hour and had a little sleep. 

I woke up at 12 pm, did 30 sit ups and then had a shower and got dressed. Took my foxy girl out for a wee, then came back and had lunch. I’m trying to eat 3 decent meals a day so I don’t eat in between and luckily eating lunch this afternoon before I went out worked! I didn’t eat till I made dinner. I was feeling a bit achy so I took some pain killers, I hid some treats around the flat for the animals 🙂 and I chilled out playing fb games before I had to head out to my hospital appointment. 

I headed out at just before 2 pm, a bit later then I anticipated, but glad I didn’t leave earlier. I got on my 1st bus to Bournemouth and just chilled out looking out the window listening to my music. Got off at Bournemouth and crossed the road and waited for my 2nd bus, that stops right outside of the hospital. I got there 20mins before my appointment time, but they are such a good hospital as it is only a little village hospital, I got seen straight away. We had so much to talk about as it had been 6months since he last saw me. He was more interested in the results of my CT scan of my sinuses, we looked at my scan pictures, but there wasn’t a report to go along with it. But even I could see that one side of my sinuses is worse then the other. He pushed up my methotrexate to 25mgs a week, which is max dose and he wants to see me in 3months. But I might ring up tomorrow to ask if he can sort out getting the steroid injection in my big toe joint as he got distracted by my scan. He’s over all happy with how I am doing, just bumbling along. Not in remission, but not massively ill. So yea I’ve got some questions I want to ask my ENT doc on Thursday, like is it possible for reconstruction surgery on my nose and if it is worth being referred back to the Royal national throat nose and ears hospital in London to see if there is anything more they can do for me. Took me an hour and a half to get home on the bus. Came home to a very happy puppy 🙂 I just chilled out before I made dinner.

I had a chicken breast, roast potatoes, peas and onion gravy for dinner 🙂 it was yummy!

Just been chilling out this evening, feeling a bit tired after my hospital app. Feeling ok…. not happy or sad, just ok…. verging on numb.

Peace out

Tank girl x

A productive start to another week…

I have had a productive start to the week. 

I woke up at a reasonable time of 9:15 am and I had some porridge for breakfast, I then cracked on with the house work. Feel so much better now the flat is clean and the laundry has been done. After that I had a shower and took out the rubbish. 

I gave the animals their treats, but in their balls so they had to work to get them out lol! But kept them all entertained for 10 mins while I relaxed, as my head was hurting and my joints were sore, so I just chilled out after taking some pain killers. Lunch time soon rolled round, so I had beans on toast. I felt a bit better so I took foxy for a wee, I wasn’t feeling well enough to take her for a walk. But maybe Wednesday I will be able to take her on a proper walk.

Waited for my 2nd lot of laundry to finish, then hung it up to dry. I’ve now started hanging up the washing on the clothes horse in my bedroom as the cats aren’t allowed in there, so they can no longer climb up the clothes horse knocking everything off lol! Gizmo and batman are the worst culprits for climbing up it and knocking everything down! Funny to watch, but annoying to have to re-hang it all every 5 seconds! 

Got a bit of a road trip tomorrow to my rheumatology appointment, the 1st bus takes about 30-45 mins depending on traffic and the second bus is about 20 mins depending on traffic. So yea I went and got some sweets and drinks for my trip. I know its not far, but I hate going anywhere without a few bottles of Pepsi and some munch just in case I need it. Hoping he will sort out me getting regular steroid injections in my big toe joint as it’s really sore still.

Ended up going to the pub for dinner with S and her mom, which was nice as I didn’t really feel up for cooking. Just feeling so tired and run down. I’m really chesty and wheezy, but inhalers aren’t doing much.

It’s nearly 10 pm and I need to do my meds up, put new sheets on the bed and take foxy girl for a wee. I might have a shower before bed as I’m still really achy.

 My babies and their treat balls 

Peace out

Tank girl

Been a bit stressful, but trying to get back on track…

I was in a foul mood on Friday as some stupid bitch on fb hacked me off. Long story cut short, I had posted a funny youtube video on my profile, it was a song about woman and their “camel toes” myself and my friends found it hilarious. But someone on my friends list had reported it and FB removed it, which really fucking hacked me off as I’ve reported people and pages for putting up pictures of dead babies etc and they didn’t get removed yet a comical harmless youtube video did, so I was a bit pissed off and vented on my profile, then someone on my friends list pretty much verbally attacked me saying all kinds of dumb shit. She wound me up and wondered why I reacted….stupid cow. So she un-friended me so I inboxed her I was like wtf…. etc. Then she got REALLY nasty saying I fail at everything and she said I’m a disgrace to lesbians and all sorts! then she blocked me. So yea she put me in a horrible self loathing mood 😦 

Saturday was good, I woke up, cleaned the flat, had a shower and got dressed then took my foxy girl for a wee. Dropped foxy back home, then went into town and paid my bills and got myself a few treats including the new Joker t-shirt I found 🙂 also picked up a dino onsie for Harvey and Albert, they have matching ones its sooo cute! I got them as they go really fast! I’ve got a dino onsie too lol. After being in town I went home and sorted out my stuff and took foxy for another wee.

Got ready to go out and headed over to see L and the boys. The bus got to Bournemouth square and people got on, but the bus driver tried to start the bus, but it just wouldn’t go lol, so we all had to get off and I got on another bus to L’s. I met her and the boys outside KFC as I was bloody starving lol. 1st thing L did was hand me Albert as she was carrying him, he’s so heavy he was hurting her back. He is so heavy, but she lives on the 1st floor so its tricking bringing the buggy up and down the stairs each time, but he’s so heavy to carry for any amount of time. So yea I got food and we went back to hers. I asked Harvey if he had been good and if mummy had been good as I had something for them, he was so excited lol. He LOVED his dino onsie and since he got in it yesterday he’s not taken it off lol. We chilled out just chatting and having snuggles with chubba bubba and watched tv. Harvey has his dinner, then it was soon bed time for the lil dino. We watched the xfactor and had a giggle at the ones that can’t sing lol! Then we watched a film, but the dvd player didn’t like it and it kept stopping. After the film, L nipped out to get some food as she was hungry. Albert was being a pickle and she couldn’t get him to settle, so I picked him up and walked about with him and he settled on me pretty quickly and I was able to put him in his cot without him waking! 😀 yay go me lol! He’s only 4 weeks, but he pretty much fills his Moses basket so he’s already in his cot. I waited in the hallway so I could tell L to be quiet when she came in. We watched another film, while fatty slept. He stirred as the film ended, so she got him up changed his lil bum and fed him. I got a taxi home as we’d been watching scary movies and I felt a bit sketchy lol and didn’t fancy catching a bus back at 1:30 am! I’ve done it before, but felt a bit scared lol. I got home and felt quite tired, so took foxy for a wee and went to bed. Watched a bit of Doctor Who 1st and played some games on my tablet and finally fell asleep.

Woke up at about 11:30 am and felt all achy and just weird, didn’t feel so good at all. So I had something to eat and napped on the sofa for an hour. Finally got up, had a shower and got dressed and took foxy girl for a wee. While we were out, she started to head towards town and I asked her if she wanted to go see S, she got all excited and carried on dragging in that direction lol. So we went over and said hello 🙂 

When we came back I just sort of sat thinking…. my head was really sore, so I took a sumatriptan. Then I was thinking about how much weight I’ve put on and I’m really not happy about it, so I decided to go to the shop and get some proper food to make some proper meals with. I also got some porridge for breakfast, as that helps keep me filled up. I’m also going to drink water before I just snack, as they say if you drink some water when you are hungry and if after 10mins you are still hungry then eat but if not then you were just thirsty. I hope eating better helps lose a bit of weight, I’m also going to try and make more of a commitment to take foxy for a walk a few times a week if I feel well enough too. 

This afternoon I watched 2 films that were on t.v, The Hunchback of Notre Dame and The spiderwick chronicles. Two films which I really like…. was a nice Sunday afternoon, snuggled up on the sofa with my fur babies. I then made some dinner, I had mash potato, peas and smoked haddock. It was really yummy, but where I’ve only been picking at my food I couldn’t eat it all, so gave my left overs to the animals, who were very grateful lol.

Just been chilling out this evening, feeling loads better after taking my pain killers. Tomorrow I am going to clean up the flat and if I feel ok, I’m going to take foxy for a proper walk. Feeling a bit more positive, but moods are so changeable at the moment, so just taking it as it comes. 

I cannot believe how freaking fast this month has gone, it felt ages away till my hospital appointments…. But I looked at my calender this evening and realised that my 1st hospital app is this Tuesday and the next is this Thursday…OMG! lol. But it’s good, hopefully I will get some answers.

Here’s some pics of this week 🙂

 Lil dino boys 🙂

 4 weeks old and pushing up and holding his own head lol!

 Lazy Sunday snuggles 🙂

Peace out

Tank girl x

Unexpected but good day

Today was good an unexpected.

I got up at about 8:30 am and cleaned up the flat as is was a bit messy and stinky (cat litter boxes) Had breakfast and got showered and dressed and took my foxy pup for a wee. Chilled out for a bit, then headed to meet my manager from my voluntary job.

I was stressing about the meeting a bit, just felt a bit anxious about it. But it went really well, I was totally honest with her, she’d asked me if I had cut recently and I said yes. She asked if there was anything she could of done to support me, I said no I just wasn’t ready or in the right head space. She was so nice and she said I can come back whenever I am ready, which is really cool.

Made my way back into town and headed to the sweetie shop and S was crying as she’s trying to get her hubby in to the country from Egypt, but things aren’t going so well 😦 I just wanted to hug her, but didn’t want to make her cry more. So we chatted and I got some sweeties. Went back home, took foxy girl for a wee, then came back had lunch and snuggled up on the sofa watching day time t.v and I had a nap for an hour and a half, but I think I would of slept longer, but I woke up hot. Finished watching crappy day time t.v and just sat glazed over waking up lol. Then went to the shop to get a few bits and bobs came back and just zoned out again in front of the t.v. Then S rang and invited me out for dinner with her and her mom, which was really lovely 🙂 and we all had roast dinner, which was yum! Then I went back to theirs to meet the cats, who are MEGA fluffy and cute! and I ‘supervised’ S doing some flat pack furniture lol. It was a really nice evening 🙂 I think I’ve found a good friend. They are also going to look after my spare keys as they only live over the road from me, I trust them and I am paranoid I am going to either lose my keys or lock myself out by accident lol. So yea just for peace of mind really, so yea that’s cool

Going to meet up with my maths tutor tomorrow morning 🙂 really looking forward to catching up with her, plus we are going to the coffee shop that makes the best hot chocolates! Haven’t really got much planned for the rest of the day. Will probably keep S company in the shop as her mom has somewhere to be, but she might be back by the time I’ve had my catch up. But I’ll pop in anyway. I might take foxy girl for a proper walk tomorrow if I feel ok, so yea that would be cool.

Feeling better mentally then I have done, which is good. Cutting is still never far from my mind. But atm I’m just trying to ignore it. Still a bit annoyed by a so called friend as while she was meant to be enjoying her holiday she blocked me on fb and I have no idea why as I’d not spoken to her for a week. I’m just fucking sick of the drama! Especially as I have done fuck all! But hey whatever, ya don’t like me fine! Just at least have the decency to let me know what I have or haven’t done ya know…pfft people fucking suck! But if she’s going to be a dick about it all, then she isn’t someone I want in my life. It just seems to be constant drama’s with her, despite me constantly sharing her art work page and her art all over fb…. because of me she’s got work! So yea fuck her lol!

Blessed for the good people I do have in my life right now ❤

Peace out

Tank girl x

Yesterday was a long but good day

I’ve had a long tiring day. But its been good. Albert was such a good boy for me, he ate, slept, woke up for cuddle,a butt change and another bottle, then slept some more. Harvey’s dentist app went well, he was put to sleep and had some teeth taken out, but he came round fine. He was a little monkey when he got home, played up so bad! He’s deffo got ADHD! and if not autism, as he has so many traits, he’s really hard to control, no matter how calm you are with him. His anger is awful. But L is struggling to get him help! Before she had the baby, Harvey used to try and hurt L, but now when he’s angry he tires to hurt Albert! and he’s always doing things to make Albert jump and cry because he knows it will make L mad. He deff needs medication to calm his ass down! Its nothing to do with her parenting! But apart from his meltdown, L and I had a good chat and I tried to help her settle Albert before I left, but it wasn’t happening, bless her! He’s such a pickle.

Got to Adsa and got some stuff for my road trip with S tomorrow emoticon smile then come back to very excited animals lol! Had some food,caught up on here and fb. 

Need to take Foxy girl for a wee and head to bed…. and get this t-shirt off cuz it smells of bubba sick lol! 

 Chubba Bubba snuggles with Tank girl emoticon smile

Peace out

Good day :)

Didn’t sleep very well last night, woke up feeling just as tired as when I went. 

Got up at about 8:30 am, had a shower and got dressed. Had something to eat for breakfast. Took my foxy girl for a wee and gave them all treats and chilled out on the sofa for a bit. Then walked over to S’s shop and she text me as I was coming round the corner lol. 

We headed off to Portsmouth just after 10 am. It didn’t take as long as I thought it would take. Had a good chat on the way. We got there and OMG my mouth was wide open lol! this warehouse was full top to bottom of sweets 😀 I was in my element! So much I wanted to get! Deffo going to see if S can get me a gumball machine and a big box of gumballs 🙂 There was just so many sweets in one room, I was like a kid in a candy store! :p Got all the stuff she needed for the shop, then loaded up the car and had some lunch before we headed home.

Got back at about 2 pm, said our goodbyes and I walked over then road back to my place. I was so tired to I got all snug on the sofa and fell asleep from about 2:30 pm – 5:45 pm lol! I really needed it! 

After I’d woken up I went to Asda and got some dinner, came home nuked my roast dinner, which was yummy! Then chilled out watching 2 disc’s of Hannibal the T.V series. Which is so awesome, the cast and the story line is amazing! 

Going to see my manager from the youth group tomorrow. I’m a bit nervous about it, but sure it will be ok. Going to get up early so I can try and get some house work done before hand. 

Going to get to bed soon.

Peace out

Tank girl x