Cold, blue, meh

Today obviously came… The 2nd anniversary of my dad’s death. 

I was up and out of bed by 7:30 am, fuck knows why! Bounced out like bloody tigger! Got showered and dressed, had breakfast and took foxy for a wee. Had some time to kill so had a lil look in a few shops. 

Went to the hair dressers and had my hair dyed. It didn’t come out as bright as I wanted, but its hard with such dark hair. 

Met up with my brother we went and had Mc D’s for lunch and surprisingly enjoyed it. I don’t usually like it much.. Then we picked up foxy and took her for a little walk, which was nice. 

I then came back and it was about 2 pm, just chilled out and had a nap for about an hour. Did the washing up and put on dinner. Ate and chilled out.

Got myself hooked on chocolate pop tarts…lol so nipped to the shop and picked some up! Came back and ate 2! I only crave chocolate when I’m due on, which I am this week. 

Feel full of cold, so snotty and horrible. I hate being ill! 

Feeling really pissed off at someone as well. Can’t explain but yea. Not impressed. 


Peace out

Tank girl

Money burns a hole….

Today has been good. I got my DLA and now it is all gone, bar £10 lol. But I’ve had fun.

So I got up and went out for a cooked breakfast, sent off those psychometric tests. Then went off to have my hair cut, had to wait an hour just to see Darren, who is the only one that cuts my hair properly! Then I went and booked into get my eyebrows waxed, I had an hour to kill, so I went home and had a shower and put on clean clothes. Went back into town and had my eyebrows done. It was a bit more painful then usual because I am due on this week, totally forgot that lol! But was worth the pain, I look less cave woman like now. I also booked to have my hair bleached and coloured tomorrow. I’ve had to buy the bright blue as they don’t keep in such bright colours. But I can’t wait to have a bright blue mowhawk! going to be awesome.

I then got some electric and paid my rent. All the important adult jobs lol! Plus now its getting colder my electric goes quicker. I’ve yet to put on the heating, I refuse too until I am literally an ice cube! as it is so so expensive. I can go through about £20-30 a week! Just to keep warm in the winter. So yea adult shit done. 

Then I went and got 2 skylanders 😀 to add to my slowly growing collection. Then I went and got the bright blue dye, for the hair dressers to put on. Then got myself a new pair of jeans, socks and boxers. I went through my underwear drawer the other day and threw out so many boxers and socks with holes in them lol. So need to slowly get more. Got myself some batman comics and a hot dog for lunch. Then went to the sweet shop and got lots of yummy sweets.

I came home and put my stuff away and took foxy girl for a quick wee. Then came back and we snuggled up on the sofa and I fell asleep at about 3:30 pm and woke up at just gone 5 pm! I didn’t mean to sleep that long lol! But got up and did a bit of food shopping and ordered some meds. Came home, put my shopping away and put the oven on pre-heat. My joints are so so achy 😦 so took some pain meds, but as of yet they are yet to work. Had dinner and this evening I have just been chilling out watching T.V and playing fb games. 

Feeling how am I feeling…. Meh I’m not really sure! Tomorrow its the 2nd anniversary of dad’s death so yea. Not sure how I feel about everything. Felt good whilst out spunking my money. But now I just feel a bit meh, that’s all I can describe it as. Oh I also ordered the cats a new cat post as they have literally destroyed theirs, anyone would think I have 3 tigers! 

Physically just been in so much pain, my sinuses are still all snotty and gross! Going to have myself some more pain relief and a hot black current 


Peace out

Tank girl

Low and unmotivated

I did a free test for dyspraxia. The results were yes, I am likely to have it. I’ve not got the patience to have a proper look into it. But some of the symptoms I can really relate too. It’s not that I am after a diagnosis BUT it just kind of makes sense. Like I struggling knowing the difference between left and right and I am incredibly clumsy and my writing is barely legible, even I sometime struggle to see what I have written. So yea, worth asking about I suppose. Maybe something physical therapy could help me be less clumsy. I’m always spilling my drink and food down me and bumping into things, if not falling right over. So yea something to think about.

I woke up today feeling just incredibly unmotivated, a bit down and not physically feeling too good. I felt snotty and gross and so so achy. So I cancelled my app with my manager from the youth group. I just couldn’t face doing anything at all. It just all felt so overwhelming. 

I just sat slumped on the sofa for ages. Eventually had a nap. Felt so restless, but not really wanting to do anything at all. But the flat was such a pit. So I mustered up the energy to clean up the flat and do 2 loads of laundry. Had a shower and got dressed after and felt a little better for doing something productive. Took foxy out for a wee, she’s so funny, she avoided walking through all the puddles. I just went straight through them all! We came back and had some lunch. I don’t know why I buy noodles, I never eat them all because I get bored half way through lol, so the animals ate the rest. 

I got my pack of psychometric test’s from DBT through the post the other day. You have to do them 3 times, once before you start, half way through and when you have nearly finished. 333 questions! Took me just over an hour I think. Took so long because I kept getting distracted lol! Taking pics of myself and the animals and talking to people on whatsapp. Hahaha, but felt so good after I had completed them. I know its not much, but I feel like I’ve really achieved something today especially as I woke up feeling restless, but really overwhelmed. 

Just been chilling out this evening, made myself some dinner. Spoke to my mom, who is having an operation on Thursday. Something to do with her womb…not sure what lol, but I’m going to stay over Sunday night till Monday. So yea that should be nice for a change of scenery. 

Feeling ok this evening, although feeling a bit down and disconnected. Hoping that will pass. Pay day tomorrow, so will be off paying bills, might get my hair cut and eyebrows waxed. 


 Me filling out my forms

Peace out

Tank girl x

Perfect ending :)

I struggled to get to sleep last night. Took me till nearly 4 am! J fell asleep a bit before me. I was chatting to my lovely new friend 🙂 It was such a great night, I was just so hyped up! 

While J was staying with me I didn’t have one nightmare 🙂 its so nice to be able to sleep at night without being so scared of something that I know in my rational head isn’t real. In the dark I still feel like something is there. I also think that if I don’t have a cover over at least one foot that something will grab my feet and hurt me. I know in my rational mind that its all just in my head… but I can’t help thinking that something is going to happen. But yea its good that I felt safe, while J was there. I’m trying not to think about bed time tonight. Going to try and sleep with just the T.V on and not my little light. Will see how I go.

J and I both woke about 11 am, it was a nice change from getting up so early. We both led in bed for a bit just waking up. I felt like I’d been hit by a bus. I was so achy and my head really hurt. My own fault for getting so hyped and lack of sleep. We then came into the lounge and watched Spongebob 🙂 and we both had breakfast and just chilled. I even had a nap for about an hour and J dozed off too. J then got dressed and got his stuff together, I then jumped in the shower and got dressed. We just sat both waking up still lol. Then it came time to walk J to the coach stop. Brought foxy girl along too so she could go for a wee and lil walk. The weather is awful, so windy, rainy and looking a bit stormy.

I was pretty sad to see J leave, we’d lost 2 years of friendship through idol gossip..etc But the good thing is that we are talking again. It’s so good to have my best friend back in my life, we have both grown and changed in the 2 years, but for the better. It was so amazing that we could just pick up where we left off so effortlessly 🙂

I have spent the rest of the day snuggled up on the sofa with my babies! watching Bad Girls. I needed an nap, but I only managed to just doze off for about an hour, but I was still aware that the T.V was on. It’s been so nice. Perfect way to end an amazing few days with my bestie boi!

Had myself some yummy dinner 😀 and carried on watching Bad Girls. Caught up playing FB games and catching up on here. It’s nearly 9 pm and I’m not feeling too tired, but I’m certainly not going to bed at a stupid hour again. If the weather isn’t too bad tomorrow I think I will take my foxy baby for a walk.

Peace out

Tank girl 🙂


Today has been pretty chill. I got up about 10:30 am, J got up about 15 mins after. We just chilled out and watched a film and T.V. It was just to just relax and chat.

We both finally got showered and dressed (separately I may add.. lol) Then took foxy girl for a lil walk and wee. Popped in to see how S was doing and she can’t work at, as she still has a poorly tum, so she’s not allowed to touch food… it really sucks as her mom is meant to be on holiday now, but has had to work today. It’s difficult when S and her mom work full time in the shop and they only have 2 part time staff. So not a great time, plus immigration said no to S’s husband moving over here from Egypt. So she’s got to spend more money to try again. I feel for her 😦 

After dropping foxy girl back, we made a sign to take to the concert. Kept us both quiet and out of mischief for half an hour 😀 We then both took our pain killers and got ready to leave. I felt SO buzzed and hyped it was in-real. Just to know I was going to be in the same building as someone that I admire so much is just mind blowing.

We left mine and walked to get the bus. I could barely contain my excitement! We then got into Bournemouth and went to KFC for dinner. I think my eye’s were bigger then my belly though, but was YUMMY! KFC is my favourite take away. Sat and chatted a bit to kill sometime and let our food go down. We then walked down to the BIC, got in there and OMG I had butterflies in my stomach and everything! Sat and chatted till the doors opened. Saw my bro and his GF there, we had better seats then them lol! We were closer then D and K 😀 hehehe, me and my bro were texting each other lol. He said look up to my right… I looked to my left and he was there haha neither of us are good with left and right! 😀

OMG Russell Brand was utterly AMAZING! I am in awe of him. We tried to get close to the stage after to get our tickets signed, but we didn’t manage it. But we did still get close to him. It was such an amazing night! Something I will remember forever and the best this is I got to spend it with my best friend J.

J and I fell out about 2 years ago and only recently been back in contact this year. It’s been so amazing spending time with him 😀 feeling so hyped up.

Been chatting the the girl J and I made friends with yesterday. Wow her language is so colourful.. I don’t mean rude language I mean she uses the most beautiful words, she is such a breath of fresh air, I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship.

Having to wear my glasses while on the laptop now, as my eyes keep not focusing properly without them. It’s annoying having a collapsed nose bridge as my glasses keep slipping down… even though they are kids glasses lol! I look like a geek 😀

Feeling so awesome, hyper and so so blessed, the past few days have just been the best days ever in a while! This is a feeling I will be able to draw from on darker days.

Peace out

Tank girl x

AWESOME time with an AWESOME friend

I contacted D’s step mom and we sent a few texts back and forth. D doesn’t/hasn’t kept in contact with her since she was in hospital. M was so sweet and said that if I had asked her whether I should of lent her the money in the first place she would of said no, as she is unreliable. Well you live you learn I suppose. So I’ve said to the mediation I’ve tried everything to confirm the address and I can’t, so they are going to send it to the address I have and see what happens. So fingers crossed she’s still there or at least getting her mail forwarded. 

I woke up yesterday to a text saying that my brother had been stabbed. It was like 8:30 am. So I wasn’t really with it and was so shocked by what I had read. So I text my bro and he rang me. Basically he has asked his neighbour to turn down his music, he was polite about it, my bro can be aggressive. But he is also very diplomatic when he needs to be. The guy answered the door with a knife and started to attack him. He was stabbed 10 times, mainly in the arm, once on his chest and tummy and once on his butt, but also a few scratches. He’s totally fine, no internal damage. Just a few deep wounds on his arms and lots of bruising. The bloke was arrested, but has since been released on bail. My brother has moved in with a friend on the family. I don’t blame him, the flats are no longer safe for him or to take Jack too. He’s recovering well he’s just sore and tired.

Yesterday morning I had my CPN and we did more on my crisis plan and started looking at my care plan. Going to finish that next week and start doing a WRAP plan which stands for Wellness Recovery Action Plan. So that will be a good thing to have, as I will be able to have a copy of too. So yea its going well, think I have about 3 sessions left now.

After my appointment I came home, had something to eat and chilled out for a bit. Then I walked to the coach station with foxy girl to meet my mate off the coach. J’s coach finally came! OMG it was so great to see him. We walked back to mine and sat and just chatted and caught up. We then went to the shop to get some food in for his stay. Then came back and chilled watched DVD’s and had dinner. Took foxy for a wee, came back and watched a few films in bed and chatted before we got to sleep.

I was up early this morning, been getting up at about 9:30 am each day. Fed the cats and had some breakfast and just chilled out. J got up not long after me and we just chilled for a few hours. So J could wake up a bit. We both got ready and headed out with foxy for a walk. 

The walk was really nice, we popped into a shop and all the staff were cooing over foxy, taking pics of her, having cuddles. She loved it! They are going to put the pics up on their fb page. We eventually got out the shop and on our way. We got to Baiter and I took foxy off her lead for the 1st time for a long walk. She did SO well, she was so obedient, I was so amazed! So proud of her.

After our walk we came back and both took pain killers as we were achy and tired. We had lunch and watched a DVD. After the film we went to Asda as J wanted something and we came out with pumpkins and a few Halloween things and matching boxers 😀 We are so awesome! 

Chilled out watching Simpsons and I did us dinner. We then spent time carving our pumpkins! It was only the 2nd time ever that I had done it. I love Halloween as an adult, as we were never allowed to celebrate it as a kid as my mom was like meh its a form of begging bullshit! Lol! But yea cleaned up the mess and put lil candles in a lit them up! We had fun and kept us quiet for like half an hour. We then played a game on the xbox called Blur for a few hours. Then put on a Russell Brand DVD and I caught up on here and FB and J did the same using my Tab. 

I inboxed and old ex of mine, just saying no ill will etc.. Kinda making omens ya know. Feels good. We’ve been having a nice chat.

It’s getting late, need to get to bed soon. Tomorrow is going to be awesome! We are are going to see Russell Brand live in concert 😀 SO excited! 


Peace out

Tank girl 

So stressed…. *sigh*

So yesterday I took foxy girl to the groomers, they did such a good job! My beautiful girl can now see lol! She looks even skinnier now. While she was there I went to the pet shop and got 7 fish, 3 beautiful guppies and 4 orange tetra’s. Came home had lunch and just chilled out. Checked K’s fb as I often do, one to make sure she’s doing ok and 2 to see what’s going on. She had put a status up about losing her mobile… But from what she wrote she was in a house, as far as I was aware they were living not too far from me in a flat. So now I am totally confused about where they are. Which means I am totally screwed about getting in contact, sorting out mediation or doing anything regarding getting my money back… She has got me in a corner. So yea that made my mood crash.

So I just tried to chill out. I made myself some dinner….that didn’t go well, I was so hungry I burnt to roof of my mouth and it blistered straight away, then I nearly choked on my lip bar as the ball fell out into my dinner lol. But spent the evening playing my new skylanders game until my head hurt, then I put on Bad girls. Didn’t get till bed till gone midnight as usual.

Slept ok…but had to sleep with my light on…GAH such a loser, but scared of the dark still..

Woke up about half 9 am…chilled out for a bit. Felt restless… so I got up and got showered and dressed, went into town and picked up a few bits to clean out the rats, dropped that home, then went to Asda to get a few more bits for cleaning. Got back and stripped! It was so hot, muggy and horrible! I hate being hot! Chilled out for a bit and had something to eat as I was shaking because I’d not eaten.

After I stopped shaking I cleaned the flat top to bottom all ready for J.C to come stay tomorrow. Had a shower and just sat watching T.V. I had a plan to contact D…I made an email address, so I could make a FB account so I could contact her on…No such freaking luck! She has her FB set so no one can add her or even send her a message. So that was a fail! I have NO other option then to contact K… As I have written to D, asked mutual friends to pass on messages, they have either ignored me or blocked me, or D has ignored them… I’ve contacted her BF and NOTHING! I really didn’t want to get K involved but D has left me no other choice. So I sent K a message hoping she is ok and to give her mom my number and asking her to text me…haven’t heard anything yet. I need to confirm contact details in order to go anywhere with mediation or even court. I think she is now living with her BF, which is fine, I don’t give a fuck who she is with, I just want my money. She went about calling me immature… this coming from a 35 yr old woman owing me money! GAH! So stressed out and frustrated…I can’t keep crying and stressing about this. It’s so hard! I’ve just inboxed her BF again.. fingers crossed something gives soon. Its a bit sick that someone can take advantage of my good nature in this way. I only had that money because of the death of my dad! Just sick of this all!

Spent this evening just trying to relax and not think about this too much, but its hard. Spent over an hour on Skylanders, then I think my xbox crashed rather then the game..To late to try it again though. Got my CPN tomorrow at 11 am. So need to get to bed soon.

 Foxy girl

Peace out

Tank girl 

Ahhhhhhhhhhh and relax :D

I’ve had a nice relaxing day and it was much needed. Woke up about 9:30 am, fed the cats and had some breakfast. The weather was awful! raining so hard, it was so dark and horrible. So I snuggled up on the sofa with my fur babies, watched T.V and ended up falling asleep till 12 pm. Got up,showered, dressed and went out into the pouring rain and took my poor foxy girl for a wee, she wasn’t impressed! Bless her, but she needed a toilet break. Brought her home and put on her fleece coat to dry off and snuggled her up in the blankets. I headed back out to the shop to pick up my PRN’s and some Pepsi. Came home and took off my hoodie and jeans! I was soaked lol. Put my Pepsi away, put on Bad Girls (a t.v series I have on DVD) did some lunch and snuggled up on the sofa, just chilling out, chatting with friends on fb and whatsapp and playing games on my tab. Made myself some dinner this evening, chicken breast, roast potatoes, peas and onion gravy it was YUMMY!

Today has been just what I needed! Doing nothing but looking after myself and my babies. 

I can’t wait for tomorrow, foxy girl has the groomers! She really needs it, she looks like a right little scruff! Can’t wait to see her looking better.

Ahhhhhhhhh 🙂 feeling so much better and so relaxed.

Peace out

A much calmer Tank girl 

Flu jab and SKYLANDERS!

I got up SO early today 8:30 am… Had a shower and got dressed and just sat for a bit. Went and got some money out and grabbed a taxi too my doc’s. Wasn’t in there long and my actual GP did my jab, was good to see him. I said how difficult it is to get an app with him and he said it should be easier in the next few weeks. The surgery has now changed their phone number back to an ordinary number from a premium rate number! It should never of been changed in the fucking 1st place! Also there used to be 2 doctors surgeries on the estate. But earlier on this year one of them (not the one my GP is at) got burnt down from an arson attack. I’ve just found out they aren’t going to re-open that surgery as another doctors! They are going to make it into a NHS dentist. Its ridiculous! My surgery cannot deal with the volume of people. So if I want an app I have to ring at 8:30 am, not always possible when I’m ill… I’m going to complain about it! Had my jab! didn’t feel a thing.

The jab made me feel a little light headed, but got the bus home and on the way I “accidently” fell into the GAME shop and bought 2 more Skylanders 😀

Got home and felt a bit odd and a bit sleepy. So I put on a film and C and I chilled out, we both ended up having a little nap!

Then C and I had a little look round the shops, got some electric. I got a new t-shirt, boxers and socks. Every time I put boxers and socks on they have holes in them lol! Treated myself to some sweets too. Paid half my phone bill off and left myself with £10 till Tues…then I get about £70 to last a week! and that’s before I’ve done a good food shop. WTF is going on with me and managing my money.. *SIGH*

C left about half 4 pm. I know this sounds awful, but I was really glad she left. It sounds so bad, I mean after all she did come to make sure I was ok after my jab… I really am grateful for it. But lately I’ve just been so busy I’ve not had a lot of time for myself. I can’t wait till Nov so I can have a bit more “ME” time. 

Spent 2 and a half hours playing Skylanders swap force! OMG I love it so much. My tummy started rumbling, so I stopped and made myself dinner. I had roast potatoes, chicken pie, peas and lots of thick onion gravy 😀 OMG it was so needed and so yummy! 

Just been chilling out watching Bad Girls and catching up on here. Need to get to bed soon, my heads hurting and my mind well just needs to switch off and chill out 🙂

 New sofa, I got finance for it! Paper work sent back today.

 Tank the gamer girl 😉

 Skylanders Swap Force 

 Pop Fizz! one of my favourite Skylander creatures 😀

Peace out

Tank girl 


Positive psych app :D and WOOHOO SKYLANDERS!

1st off – Ah sick to death of certain people still treating me like how I USED to be and expecting the friendship to be the same…. Too much hurt and resentment has built up and its not something I can get over because I have changed and don’t want the friendship to go back to how it was as it was un-healthy. She doesn’t want to see the change in me because she is scared to lose me! But I’ve grown and changed for the better over the last few years. I hate that she refuses to see that. This friendship will never be the same!

Today has been busy but good. 

Woke up about 9 am, had breakfast and cleaned out the cat litter and hoovered up. Had a shower and got dressed, quickly took foxy girl for wee. Then came back and headed out to my p-doc app.

P-doc app went well. He agreed to give me some diazepam as PRN meds, he’s given me 30 2mgs tabs. Which is great! We talked about my nightmares and he said if they continue and I’m feeling really scared at night then to go and see him again. He’s happy with my progress and he thanked me for sending him a nice email about my last appointment, he said he doesn’t often get it. So yea it was nice that he acknowledged it and was pleased. I sent him another email about today’s appointment just saying I’ve realised I need to work with him rather then against him and that he’s got my best interests at heart. So yea so pleased 🙂

I got approved for finance for a new sofa 😀 SOOO HAPPY, mine is wrecked lol!

Came home, had lunch and chilled out for a bit, took foxy for a wee. Came back and got my Disney infinity game together along with spare Skylanders portal and took it to GAME and traded it in for the new Skylanders swap force game. I got enough for the Dark edition which came with 4-5 figures and I had enough left over for 4 more figures 😀 

Had a few ££’s in my wallet so headed to S’s shop and got a few sweeties and said hello to S 🙂 

Came home and wasn’t feeling very well, I ached from head to toe and my head was hurting so bad, so I had some meds and tried to rest, but I couldn’t get to sleep so I just chilled out watching T.V Ended up jumping in the shower to help get rid of the joint pain and it helped loads, which was good. It’s so draining to be in so much pain all the time. 

Finally I was feeling better and played my new game for a hour or so. But C came over so I finished the level I was on then turned it off. We caught up and chatted. I did myself some yummy dinner 🙂 been cooking proper meals. Which is nice now the weather is getting colder and gloomier. Nice yummy comfort food.

We’ve just been chilling out this evening chatting away. 

Need to take foxy out soon, as I need to be up at 8:30 am because I have to be at the doctors for my flu jab at 9:30 am. Getting a taxi there and back…less hassle that way. C is here to look after foxy and I tomorrow if the jab makes me feel really poorly. Last year it made me sleep all day. So fingers crossed I’ll be ok.

Mentally feeling better after a good p-doc app and getting my new game. Physically not been so great, but taking each day as it comes and taking pain meds as I need them.

Peace out

Tank girl x