Depressed and fed up

Update.

Wednesday – What can I say…. I woke up in absolute agony with my joints from my lower back, hips, knees and feet. So I had breakfast and took some pain killers. I took foxy for a wee and came back and chilled out for a bit. 

I made my way to see S at the college. It was really good to catch up and I am going to start back on the 9th of Jan and maybe attend the Christmas party if I feel up to it. But there’s no pressure to go back if I don’t feel up to it, which is really good. I just need be less stubborn this time. But I have had myself a good break and I do feel better for it. I am ready to go back. 

On my way back I was in so much pain with my joints, so when I got in I had some oramorph and snuggled up on the sofa with my fur babies and had a little nap.

I met up with my friend just after 4 pm and we went out for dinner, which was really nice. I’ve not felt up to cooking at the moment and it was nice to catch up with her. After dinner we came back to mine and chilled out and chatted some more. We went to the shop about 9 pm as we both needed some bits and bobs. I then came back and didn’t really feel to well. My head was pounding and I felt sick, achy and the rest. So I started my nightly routine and was in bed by 11 pm all snuggled up. But took me ages to fall off to sleep because I felt so sick.

Thursday – I was up early for some reason this morning, I felt like I hadn’t slept at all. I had a shower and got dressed and went to Asda for breakfast and had a little look around in there. I came back and chilled out before I had to head out for my CPN appointment.

I got some post this morning! New cat toys 😀 they LOVE IT!

My CPN appointment went well. I’m not seeing her now until the 11th Dec, which will be to round everything up and sign my care plan, crisis plan and WRAP plan. I will then see her after my 1st session back at volunteering, then she goes on maternity leave. There will be a meeting next week and she will ask the team if I can have an assigned worker to help support me when I 1st go back to volunteering. So fingers crossed I’ll get some support, even if it is for a few months.

I popped into the sweet shop on the way back to give S some of the cats old toys, as they have SO many. But S wasn’t in, only her mum and R, so I chatted to them for a bit and got myself some sweets…and I wonder why I’m fat lol. 

I came home and snuggled up on the sofa with my babies and had a little nap. After I had woken up, it took me a while to wake up, so I just sat for a bit. I then went to the shop and got something for dinner. I hate it in there so much! The lights are SO bright! it does my eyes in and doesn’t help with the dizziness! Came back and put the dinner on, but I couldn’t eat it all because my head was hurting and I felt so sick. So I ended up just laying on the sofa with my blanket over my head so it was dark and I only woke up at nearly 10 pm! 

So this evening I’ve just been playing my FB games and catching up on here. It’s now nearly 2 am! I’m hungry, but not really tired. I’ve got nothing planned today other then watching DVD’s 🙂 Going to have a sandwich and get to bed.

Not feeling so great, just feeling depressed. Physically feeling a little better

 The cats new toy. The tubes have 2 balls in so they can chase it about, the bit where Gizmo is, is a massager that you put catnip in and the other bit is where you put in some food and they have to use there paws to pull the food out. So pleased with it.

Peace out

Tank girl x

A very achy tanky girl!

I can’t think straight at the moment, in agony with my joints! I really need pain medication and a nice hot shower, but got a few bits to do before I can jump in the shower.

I was rudely awoken this morning by miss Marley moo, meowing and scratching at my bedroom door for nearly and hour! I kept shouting at her to stop, but she didn’t. Bloody cat, she never even wants anything, just my attention. 9 am I finally got up and my mate decided he was going to have a fucking shower! Grr he’s had hours to have a shower when he got in from work last night! I had stuff to do today and wanted to be out and about asap. But NO! and he cooked dinner last night and didn’t clear up behind himself….Am real sick of him being here now. I love him, but I really need my space back. After I finally got a shower, I went to Asda and had a nice cooked breakfast, which was YUM, but they were playing fucking xmas music! Went into town and went in a few shops to get myself a new backpack and found a really nice FOX one, got Despicable me 2 on dvd, then got some electric. Came home, put the electric on, sorted out my new bag. Then paid some bills online and ordered some more bits to go with the toy I bought them the other day. I then headed off to see L and the boys.

Got to L’s and sat and chatted for a bit and OMG has Albert got REALLY big! Bless him. He’s huge, but so cute. Then I got Albert ready and we went into town as L needed a few bits and bobs, got a KFC on the way back. Got in and I got Harvey to help me take the bags upstairs and then went back down and got Albert, who had fallen asleep in his buggy, but I managed to get him out of his coat and into his cot without disturbing him and he slept for a little longer while we had our lunch. We tried to watch a DVD but it wouldn’t play, so gave up on that. Just spent the afternoon chatting and chilling out. Was really nice to see them all, I’ve not been over in a while as either I’ve been ill or they have. But hopefully when L’s foot is better then she can come over. Going to take foxy over there soon the meet Albert and if they are ok together then I can have Albert over night at mine to give her a break. 

I got back to town and nipped to the shop to order some medication and get food for the animals. I got home, sorted out the animals with their food, I had a very excited foxy bouncing about the place, so happy to see me lol. I then decided to clean up as the kitchen was a fucking mess! and a few other bits needed doing. So didn’t sit down till 9 pm! Not had any dinner yet, but think I am going to hang up my washing, start getting ready for bed, have toast, take foxy for a wee. I really need a shower before bed as I hurt so bad! But yeah going to make my bed all cosy, it took me ages to settle last night, but then I was angry… I just hope the pain goes so I can get to sleep quickly.

I’m seeing S tomorrow about getting back to voluntary work with the youth group, so looking forward to sorting that out. Then meeting a friend and we are going to the carvery 😀 deffo looking forward to that.

Peace out

Tank girl 

Depressing start to the week :(

Woke up early for my MRI scan… man getting up at 7 am is really not fun! Took 15 mind to remove all my piercings and that. Got the the hospital for just after 8 am. Got a bit lost trying to find where I was meant to be lol. It didn’t help that the woman that gave me directions didn’t fucking know left from right! lolz… But got there, the woman at the desk and was like have you got your paper work…. urm no I booked it a month ago you expect me to remember paper work! its early morning for me lol. Then she was like have you filled out such a such form… I was like I have no idea what does the form look like! Man people expecting so much of me at 8:20 am! lol. She showed it to me and I was like yeah yeah, done that. Sat and waited for a bit, then some bloke got me and took me to another room and I had to empty my pockets and stuff and put everything in a locker. Had to confirm I’m not pregnant lol! I felt like saying I maybe fat but that’s all grown from food! Sat outside the MRI scanner…. only to realise I still had my magnetic bracelet on lmao! So took that off. Finally got taken to the MRI, led down and had this thing over my head, listening to a bit of 80’s music 🙂 I did have a little snooze while under there! The noise of the machine doesn’t bother me at all. But it all went well and I should get my results in a few weeks along with an appointment with my doctor. Oh I asked if there was anything actually in my skull and yep there is actually a brain in there lol! *shock*

I got home about 9:20 am and put all my piercings back in, which didn’t take as long as getting them out. My middle lip piercing had again started to heal up and had to push it through, which was a bit ouchie! I then snuggled up on the sofa with my fur babies and fell asleep till about 1 pm lol. My mate was still asleep so I made him get up and sort out somewhere to live… but he then had a joint and a cuppa and was still sat there, I was like dude! Get the fuck out and find a bloody place to stay! I need my flat back. So he went off. I wont see him till the morning as he has work at 4 pm. Lazy shit! He had all day to get down the council to sort out housing! But he slept in! Grrr. After he left I took my foxy girl for a wee. Then we came back and chilled out, with more snuggles on the sofa. I think we both deserved it after a great weekend out and about. She was still so shattered lol as was I. 

I then heard from an old friend. As I had gone back through old journal entries to see what I had said about her, for her to say some of the things she did. And yeah it did sound like I wasn’t bothered about our friendship, but I never said anything bad about her as a person. She then continued to just be horrible to me. I could only keep my cool for so long and threw things back at her, but I didn’t lower myself to swearing as that’s what she expects of me. She told me to do everyone a favour and fuck off. She said I was faking having bipolar to get attention and that everyone hates me, I should get a job, get a life and the list is endless, oh and that I am only nice to people because I have an ulterior motive! So yeah an 18 year friendship down the drain. Yes I’ve had my faults, yeah I may not have been as supportive as I could of been, but I am only one person and I am human. I have done nothing but sit and cry about the whole situation. I don’t get why people think I am such an awful person. I give up. Seriously wish I was a dog so I would be put down. Back to feeling depressed and suicidal, no self worth at all. I do wish I was dead, but not at my hand. I am just another waste of space, waste of oxygen, another waster claiming benefits and a drain on the NHS. A totally worthless life.

Watched two discs of Dexer season 8, totally loving it. Shame its come to an end. Didn’t really eat dinner, too stressed for it to go down. Need to sort out my meds and stuff. Going to see my friend L tomorrow and help her with Albert and food shopping. She was out at the weekend and tore some ligaments in her leg so is on crutches…. 2 kids, crutches, a first floor flat with no lift = nightmare, bless her. Will be nice to see her, not been able to go round for a few weeks because either they have been ill or I have been ill. Can’t wait to see my fatty boy! He’s grown so much. Can’t wait to have a good bitch and moan about stuff with L too 🙂

EEEK I get paid tomorrow cannot WAIT to get despicable me2! 😀

Peace out

Tank girl x

Great weekend :D

I have had such a great weekend and I have spent it with my mum and Colin. 

Last night I turned the t.v off about 12 am…. then foxy started freaking out! OMG sent my heart racing. She got all agitated and started running about and barking. When I called her back up on the sofa she was shaking! and it took ages to settle her. I turned the T.V back on as I was pretty freaked out. She eventually settled and fell asleep as did I.

I slept really well and didn’t wake up till 10:30 am. I woke up to a text from mum asking if I wanted to go out with her again today, so I said yes. It takes her about and hour to get to me, so I ate and got ready. 

We went to Hamworthy park to see Colin as he was there fishing. Its a park that’s not far from my flat, but I’ve not been there before. But I think I am going to take foxy there for a walk again soon, as it’s really nice there, the views are amazing. Foxy loved running about. Colin didn’t catch anything today though. After the park we dropped foxy home and then nipped to nan and grandads house for a bit. It was nice to see them. Grandad liked my pictures from yesterday and today. I’m going to print them some out for Christmas 🙂 as they said not to spend any money on getting them presents. So this will be nice and personal and maybe grandad can use them to paint. After we finished there, we went to this new shop mum was telling me about and we looked in the pet shop quick too. They have a little Christmas jumper I really want for foxy girl, you can also get a matching scarf and leg warmers for it lol, so cute. 

Mum dropped me home just after 3 pm. My mate was still home and he had done the washing up. Just chilled out for a bit and I ended up nodding off for and hour or so. I then made us dinner. We had chicken breast, veg, roast potatoes and cheese sauce that I made from scratch! It was so lovely if I do say so myself…. well non went to waste 🙂

Just spent the rest of this evening just chilling out watching T.V Foxy girl is so tired bless her, she’s had a busy weekend. I am tired as well. I’ve got to be up early tomorrow, as I have to be at the hospital for 8:30 am! Eeeep for my brain scan. It’s nearly 9 pm and it feels like midnight lol. I think tomorrow after my appointment I am going to kick back and REST. I still feel a bit chesty…so will see how I feel after a restful day. 

Mum and I have never had a good relationship in the past. But since dad died I think we have both made an effort to change that. I think having foxy has helped as we can kind of bond over her if that makes sense. But I have really enjoyed spending the weekend with mum, Colin and foxy girl.

Here are some pictures from today

 Foxy girl on the beach

 My mum

 Mum, foxy and Colin

 Stunning views

Peace out

Tank girl 

Tank girl catch up :)

Thursday – I had my CPN appointment and it went well…. Apart from I forgot to take my folder with all the stuff from the bipolar course in lol! So kind of a wasted journey. Later on it that day my mate and I went out for a nice roast dinner 🙂 It was so yummy! After that we went to the shop and I picked up a birthday present for my mate C and sorted myself out and headed up to her’s for the evening. I got to C’s about 8 pm-ish it was a great evening, met new people and had a good laugh. Got back at about 2 am. Didn’t sleep until 5:30 am! Oh I had an inbox from someone who blocked me…. The reason I got blocked was apparently I didn’t care about our friendship and apparently I said she didn’t matter and various other things. She was mad I hadn’t been more supportive over her getting onto DBT. I looked back through our messages…. I said twice about how lucky she was not to have to wait to long for it that was it. But she made out like I was always being really horrible about it. I suppose anger just clouds your judgement. But I’ve apologised for not being as supportive as I could of been etc and if she wants to be friends then that is up to her. I am too old and tired to fight to be friends with someone who doesn’t want to be friends any more. One thing she did say that annoyed me was she was waiting for me to start swearing and flinging insults… Why do people still expect that of me?! I have changed, but people don’t treat me like I have. But I didn’t swear and I didn’t insult her, because that’s not me any more. But its really hard when someone is pushing you back into old behaviours. But I rose above it. I was glad to hear from her, just a shame she has listened to idol gossip. What will come of this situation I don’t know. But I have left the ball in her court. 

Friday – Well I pretty much just slept all day! 😀 did fuck all! My mate cooked us a nice steak dinner and we just chilled out watching T.V Didn’t get to bed till 2 am

Today – I got up just before 9 am and had some breakfast. Mom said she was on her way over so I got a shower, got dressed and got foxy’s bits together ( I always take food and water with us) Then mom text to say she was near and foxy and I waited outside for her. We went to a place called Swanage. We had a look round the shops, foxy had a run about on the beach. We had some lunch and even fox was allowed in the cafe which was nice, sat next to a nice coal fire. On our way back we stopped at a few places so I could take some pictures. We went across the chain ferry heading back to mine. Just chilled out when I got in till me mate got back. We then went to Asda and got some bits. I made us dinner, cheesy mash, peas, and mini kieve’s! It was yummy! After dinner we watched Doctor Who –  The Day Of The Doctor! OMG it was amazing! So well done. Loved it.

Now I am just catching up on here. My head is fucking killing me, as are my joints! So I think meds and bed are in order soon. 

Oh update on bedtime, its loads better 🙂 Less intrusive and much less intense. Been sleeping really well. Hopefully is was just down to stress. I know it was all in my mind really. I knew I could beat this bump in the road. 

Foxy and I are off out with my mom tomorrow and my mates job is to find somewhere to live!

Some pictures from today

 Mom and I

 Foxy in the van

 Swanage beach

 Corfe Castle 

 The chain ferry we went over

Peace out 

Tank Girl

Challenging my fears :)

Today has been long. But I will start with last night

Last night I had a really good bed time routine. I think I might try and do this every night. Before taking foxy for a wee, I put on my heating in the bedroom, made up my hot water bottle, put on the ps3 and TV, put on my little lamp, put my tab on my bed. Then I put on the shower and heater and shut the bathroom door. Got my clothes ready for the morning. Then I took foxy for a wee, I got back and put my fresh bed sheets on (obviously not going to do that every night) then did 50 sit ups and finally had a nice relaxing shower with my baby lavender wash, put on fresh pjs and took my meds and got into bed with my foxy pup. Put on top cat film and led down facing the wall and I pretty much fell asleep straight away 🙂 So proud of myself, I didn’t feel scared at all.

I woke up about 7:30 am, my mate came home after I had showered and got dressed, so I had a word with him about showering before getting into bed, I know he works hard and he’s tired, but at the end of the day this is my flat! He needs to sort out a new place to stay. Anyway I had breakfast and chilled out for a bit, I then had to round up Gizmo and put him in the carry box. It was easier then I thought as he cornered himself up on the kitchen side. He went in the box without much fuss, until I decided to feed the others before I left, he then went mad trying to get out lol. We got a taxi up to the vets as it was so cold out bless him and I got the bus home. I got in and fell back to sleep for a few hours, it was really needed. 

My CPN rang this afternoon to arrange our next appointment which is tomorrow, she was very apologetic for not ringing me sooner, but it was cool, I haven’t got much planned atm, as I’ve not been feeling well.

I then had a phone call from the vets to say Gizmo was totally fine and I could go pick him up later. So happy I had some lunch and chilled out. Asked my bro if he could take me to go get Gizmo and he said yes 🙂 didn’t really want to go back out in the cold again. 

My bro came and picked me and and we went and got my boy! Oh I missed him so so much! The vet said he’s really healthy and a whopping 3.4k! and he’s not even a year old yet. He behaved himself, she said he spent most of the time hiding under his blankie! Too cute! Then my brother dropped us back. Gizmo darted out of the box and behind the sofa, but I put the pouch of wet food the vet gave me into his bowl and he shot out like a rocket and stuffed his face! I think he was hungry lol. Poor boy wouldn’t come near me, but I don’t blame him.

Then I worked out if I could afford to get Dexter season 8 🙂 so I went to Asda and they didn’t have it. So I went into town to HMV to get it! Very happy tank girl. Then I nipped into see S and we ended up going out for dinner. I didn’t really enjoy mine as I felt sick and dizzy.

Just been relaxing this evening, not been feeling too great! IBS has been awful all day and I’ve been feeling sick and dizzy most of it. Nipped to Asda and got myself some ginger biscuits to help with feeling sick. It’s the 1st time today I have felt well enough to go online properly. 

So tonight after I take foxy for a wee I am going to have a shower and face the wall in bed 🙂 

Gizmo is deffo feeling better, he’s up annoying Marley moo’s lol! 

OMG just remembered something funny that happened today… the L.A fitness people asked me if I wanted to join the gym…me dressed up in my batman hoodie and cap said, I’m batman I don’t need the gym! he did not know what to say! HA! Then some mom said to her son, “look theirs batman” the kid clocked me and I waved and said hello, his mouth just dropped and was like wow! Aww so cute! 🙂 made my day.

 My handsome boy!

 Everyone apart from lil batman, he’s camera shy

Peace out

Tank girl x

FED UP!

Last night I tried to challenge my night time fears. One of my fears is that I have to have my feet covered, so last night I tried to keep one foot out from under my covers. It was hard and scary, but I did it a bit. I also tried to sleep facing the wall, but I just couldn’t. One step at a time I suppose. So yeah I am going to try and challenge these fears as I know they are irrational! The fears have been less intense for a few days which is good! I am just going to use my DBT skills and just challenging myself to get over this! I really don’t want a medication change!

Last night I just felt really low because it is so difficult dealing with everything going on in my head as well as feeling constantly physically un-well! It’s really really hard! But I am feeling less suicidal and that today.

The dizziness has been a little better today.

I was up crazy early this morning… like 8:30 am early! For no reason! After I got up my mate then went to bed. I got showered and dressed and went to Asda for breakfast! YUMMY! Then came back and felt really tired, so I snuggled up on the sofa till about 11 am and had a nap. Woke up and took foxy out, I was just intending to go for a short walk, but I felt ok and we ended up going for a 2 hour walk. We just took it slow and steady and I took some great pictures. 

We got home and just chilled out watching TV for a bit, went to the shops and got some stuff to make cakes with. Came back and had beans on toast, then made some cakes, bleurgh felt sick after. Cleaned up. Felt a bit restless so watched the Simpsons, then played a bit of skylanders, then watched Batman year one and now I’ve just been sat here channel flicking etc. Bored! 

I hate windows 8.1! I can never find my phone on the laptop when its plugged into it…. All I want to do is transfer pictures! GAH! 

Had a bit more of my alcoholic drink tonight and I can feel its pushed my mood right down! And this is why I stay away from drinking… but seeing as I bought it I will finish the rest tomorrow. 

Had to take up all the animals food at 8 pm this evening as poor gizmo is going to the vets tomorrow to have his boy bits off. I feel bad for having to starve them all, but its the only way to do it, without locking gizmo in the bedroom or bathroom. So I’ve got to get up early tomorrow, so I am heading to bed soon.

I went into the bedroom earlier today! and OMFG! it fucking stank in there! GAH! my mate really needs to fucking shower before getting into bed! It smelt so bad I opened the window and stripped the bed! He’s driving me mad, I love him to pieces but I really need my space back now! It’s verging on 4 fucking weeks! I have inboxed him about it, but I’ll leave him a note about it before I go to bed tonight. I need my flat back. No wonder I don’t like boys! they fucking smell! and he can’t even hang his towel back on the towel rack, he had just left it on the fucking floor in the bedroom…. not helping the smell! ARGH! *rant over*ish* 

Well going to sort out my bed time routine, taking foxy for a wee, then put clean sheets on the bed, leave my mate a note, do some sit ups, have a shower, take meds and sleep!

Oh I need to start eating less and doing more! weighed myself this morning gah so fucking depressing! I am nearly 12 fucking stone! NOT HAPPY! *SIGH* 😦

Peace out

Tank girl 

Depression setting in

Feel like fucking SHIT! 

Woke up around midday. My mate got up not long after me. Got him to help me clean up. He went off to work, I had a shower and got dressed, took foxy for a wee… urgh I felt so dizzy. Came back and chilled out… All I can really do at the moment! I felt hungry so went to the shop and had something to eat at the cafe… but it just made me feel sick! Picked up a few bits and came home. It got to about half 6 pm and I just couldn’t stay awake any longer, so led down on the sofa and I was out for the count until 8 pm! and I still feel exhausted.

Urgh everything hurts! 😦 My head, joints everything. I’m so so tired and I can’t do much because I feel so dizzy! I’m so bored being pretty much house bound as I really don’t want to faint out in public and I’m just too tired to do much anyway. I feel no better since starting these antibiotics! Usually would of at least made me feel a little better by now *sigh* feeling ill and so depressed 😦 I’ve totally had enough of my pointless little life! I mean seriously! wtf is the point in me?! I really don’t get it…yep suicidal ideation and self harm thoughts are back! Just fucking awesome 

meh

Deep rooted nightmares

I didn’t sleep too well again last night, but I was so tired. My brain forced me awake and I couldn’t get comfortable on my left side facing the door. I didn’t want to but I eventually fell asleep facing the wall as it was more comfortable. But my friend was in bed with me so I did feel a little safer. So it wasn’t as intense, but it was still a restless night. 

I woke up about 9:30 am and had some beans on toast for breakfast whilst chilling out watching Spongebob. I ended up falling asleep on the sofa till about 12:30 pm. I was just so tired! I got up, showered, dressed and took my foxy girl for a wee. I felt a bit dizzy on just a short walk. But I thought I needed to get out, as I’ve not been out and about much lately because I’ve not been feeling well. So feeling a bit stir crazy I decided to go for a little wander around town, yeah that didn’t work out too well. I felt so dizzy! 😦 So I went to see S in the shop and I sat down behind the counter for a bit and caught up with her. I found if I stood still my world stopped spinning a bit. I went back home and got my mate and then myself, S and her mum and mate all went out for dinner. 

My mate and I came back and just chilled out watching TV. It got to about 9 pm and my mate was hungry so we went to the shop and got a load of random food! and some alcohol! I got my favourite drink. I can’t remember the last time I drank! Loving it! Just watching a tv series called Psychoville! its so funny

So yeah back to the deep rooted scared of the dark crap. Ok so I’ve always had trouble sleeping ever since I can remember and I’ve always suffered really bad nightmares. This was not helped by a few things. One my mom would always make scary faces at me round the door as she was closing it at night time. Two one night I came down as mom was tidying up and there was a film on based on a true story called A cry in the dark. I remember watching quite a bit of it, before my mom had realised! At this time in my life I had a massive phobia of dogs. So a film about a dingo killing a baby… wasn’t the best for me to watch. As a result I believed that at night there was a dingo laying down by the side of my bed, to the point I could hear this dingo breathe. I believed that if I moved, breathed or even coughed that this dingo would eat me. Along with this one there was also a dingo out in his spaceship watching my every move! If I did something he didn’t like he would tell the dingo by my bed to get me. I then over 5 days had a re-occurring nightmare (at some point, I was under the age of ten when this all happened) So this nightmare started off with a wolf who kidnapped me and took me into the darkness, he explained that we had 5 lives each and we had to fight each other every night and if I lost he would keep me there in the dark forever. This went on for 5 days! I used to wake up each night screaming! On the 5th night I didn’t want to go to sleep, understandably. We had one life left each, I was so terrified that I was never going to see my friends and family again. I eventually fell asleep and luckily I won the fight and he let me go and I could see colour again. My dad once said I slept walked through the house, he couldn’t get me back to bed. He said I was convinced that if I didn’t find a black piece of sugar paper then my teacher would actually kill me (again I was under the age of 10) He managed to fob me off with a ordinary piece of paper. I’ve always been scared of the dark on and off since I was small, having bouts of sleeping with the light and tv on. I’ve always suffered very intense and real nightmares. These are the most memorable nightmares from my childhood. But there have been many many more. They are always very vivid. So yeah I have a long history of nightmares and being scared of the dark.

Peace out

Tank girl x

Sleepy Saturday

I don’t have a copy of my WRAP atm…. it still needs a few bits to finish it off.

Had fuck all sleep last night. Just too scared to fall asleep, just had kids films running all night. I was still awake when my mate came home, but I just stayed in bed and tired to relax. Laying on my side facing the bedroom door and keeping still seems to be helping. If I face the door then I can see if someone comes in, if I face the wall like I usually do then anything can hurt me, if I am facing the door at least I would be ready for whatever comes at me. Even been considering sleeping with a kitchen knife… but with my mate coming in at the middle of the night I might wake up confused and stab him by accident…So not a safe idea, although I do have a pen knife or two in the draw…I think I eventually fell asleep around 3 am.

Woke up about 9:30 am. Feeling exhausted and starving. So I just showered and dressed and went to Asda for a cooked breakfast, came back and fell asleep for a few hours. Took my foxy for a wee, dropped her back and then paid my rent and got some electric. Went into one shop and got some cool socks and a pair of boxers, but because it was so warm I felt so dizzy, so I went out and had a hot dog for lunch and just sat for a bit as I really didn’t feel too well. After my rest I headed home and I ended up falling asleep for another few hours. I feel safe sleeping in the day on the sofa, as the rest of the flat is pretty opened planned and I can see everything. As all the doors are wedge opened but the front door and the bedroom door. I try and keep my bedroom like my little sanctuary, but at the moment it feels like a pretty scary place to be. 

When I woke up I just felt so tired and a bit hungry. My mate then woke up as he’s got the weekend off. So he’s pretty tired after a week of night shifts. He went to meet his friend for a bit, then brought her back here. We ended up going out for dinner. Even though I was hungry I couldn’t eat it, even though I wanted it… *sigh* We went to Asda and got a few bits and came back to mine and watched World War Z, it was ok, glad I didn’t get it on dvd, not something I’d watch again. Then we watched Dredd. So yeah had a good evening. But felt like I’ve wasted a day by sleeping through most of it. My mate took his mate to get a taxi back and he took foxy with him so I don’t have to take her out, as I am not enjoying taking her out at night right now. 

Just chilling now, I am so tired! I feel like I could sleep for a week. Again not looking forward to bed time… Feeling so tense and agitated. But I need sleep. Gah I hate feeling like this. 

Booked my poor Gizmo in to be neutered on Wednesday, poor baby lol.

Found this picture…pretty fitting for right now

 

Peace out

Tank girl