Bubba boo :)

I’ve had a pretty good day with little Albie, picked him up at lunch time and came back into town. 

I took him into the advice centre so I could print out my poem to go on the mural for Bruce. Everyone in there thought it was good and T even shed a tear 🙂 Albie was happy having cuddles with everyone and crawling about on the floor. He was even happier when I gave him lunch lol. 

Got back and he was a bit grizzly so I changed his butt and he went down for an hour. I had lunch and just chilled out. 

Albie can now crawl and pull himself up on things, so I don’t have to be on the floor with him all the time making sure he’s ok, I can just let him play, which is nice. We watched some Adventure time 🙂 

Gave him dinner and pudding and let that settle in his tummy. I did him a little bath up in the toy box as he’s too big to put in the kitchen sink and I don’t have a bath, but he had fun splashing about in his box 🙂 hehe. Got him into his Batman pjs and let him play about a bit more. Did his bottle of milk up. Got him all snug in the pushchair and took foxy out for a wee. Ah fox is such a babe magnet 😉 always get stopped by ladies wanting to pet her.. shame they don’t want to pet me lol! We came back and I put Albie in bed with his bottle and he’s been soundo ever since. 

I had myself some dinner. I need to remember to eat while I have him, its easy to put all my focus onto him and forgetting about me lol! 

Spent HOURS putting pics onto Instagram as I’d not done that for ages… 🙂 

Just cleaned up the kitchen, deffo got to keep on top of it with bubba here. Off to bed very soon.

My tension is a bit better today and my head hasn’t been too bad! 🙂 

Peace out

Tank girl 

Foggy mind.

Today has been a bit of a blur… My mind is a bit foggy tonight. 

Woke up at 8:15 am and I felt rested and not groggy. I often take a while to wake up of a morning. But I didn’t today which was a nice change. I chilled out for a bit and had some breakfast. 

Sammy got dropped over about 9:20 am, she was excited to see foxy. The girls sat on the sofa while I cleaned.

I set about cleaning up the flat and doing laundry. It felt good to get everything done, it didn’t feel so much of a chore. I moved my coffee table so its blocking off the kitchen, as I have Albie from Tomorrow till Monday and now he’s on the move I don’t want him in there eating the dog food. 

Got showered and dressed, nipped into town to get some bits to clean the rats out with and came straight back and cleaned them out, hoovered my bedroom and put up the travel cot. 

Just sat chilling with the girls (the dogs) all snuggled up on the sofa. 

Lou messaged me and asked me if I wanted KFC Ah she knows me well 🙂 Her and the boys turned up a bit soggy from the rain but she brought food lol. They came in and shoes and coats off, Albert placed on the floor and off he was crawling about like a big boy, while me, Lou and Harvey ate. MMMM it was yummy, but so naughty hehe. We had a fab afternoon. I showed Lou all the bits I got from comic con, Harvey wants my Adventure time sword lol. I let Harvey play some games on my ps3 while we sat and chatted. Ended up playing with bubbles as well. Just had a really good afternoon. Bless Lou is so tired, she was practically falling asleep. 

We headed out at 5pm so they could get the bus home, I took the dogs for a wee. Sammy was bouncing through the long grass like a little bunny! She’s so funny. Fox was just looking at her like.. what are you doing! hehe.

Just been sat chilling this evening. I watched the 1st two episodes of Game of Thrones. It was ok.. think I need to watch it a bit more to get into it. 

Mood is a bit better today. Although I keep tensing my jaw and its really annoying. I can’t seem to help it, every time I notice myself doing it I do try and relax. I think that’s what’s been making my head so bad. Oh well.

 The boys ❤

Peace out

Tank girl x

uP dOwN and rOunD and RouNd

Sat here again with my head pounding, the weather is so heavy! 

For some reason this morning I leaped out of bed at like 7 am… I looked at the time and I was like WTF! no way am I getting up lol. So I went back to bed. I had no reason to be up so early and I was still tired. Slept till about 10 am. A bit more reasonable lol.

I just sat about for a bit, eventually had something to eat. Got showered and dressed too. Took my foxy girl for a wee and came back to chill out. 

Today when I was washing up, I looked at my hand and on one of my fingers I saw what looked like a big bruise, but as soon as my hand cooled down it went away. There is still a faint red mark there now… I’ve never had this before or any hand involvement with WG, might ring up my doc and see what that’s about.

My friend came over about 1:30 pm. We sat and chatted for a bit, then we decided to go into town. It was cool just to look around for a bit. Came back and watched Frozen, its the first time she had seen it. I was trying not to sing along for the entire film lol. 

I was sat thinking I need some money… so I don’t watch my Family guy DVD’s any more so I took them to a shop to trade them in for money. I got enough to tide me over till the weekend. Came back and made us both dinner, chicken wrapped in bacon with cheese in the middle, with roast potatoes, peas and gravy. It was really nice. We watched Dark Skies too.

As she left I went with her so I could get a few bits from the shop, I was running low on dog food. 

Just been chilling out tonight, listening to music on youtube. Old classics 🙂

Mood has been pretty up and down today, was pretty down this morning, obviously picked up with my friend here and now I just sort of feeling nothing… indifferent. 

I think I am going to get to bed real soon! I feel like fucking shit again! 

Peace out

Tank girl

Irritable and low

My head wasn’t really in socialising last night. I don’t know why I said yes… But whatever. I stayed and didn’t get into bed till like 2 am.

I had my alarm set for about 11 am, but I woke up early… *sigh* I woke up with a headache and I’ve not been able to shift it all day.

Just sat around for a bit, had some breakfast. Eventually got showered and dressed. Just sat watching T.V till D came over.

D came about 12 pm and had his lunch. G inboxed me to ask if we still wanted to take the dogs for a walk. He took his sweet time getting here! He only lives a 10min walk from mine lol. We eventually set off to walk the dogs on my usual trip. It was ok… I didn’t really enjoy it though. It was a bit stressful, when its just me and fox, I just enjoy the quietness, even if D comes along with me he is able to just be in the moment. G just kept chatting… which was fine, but sometimes he’s hard work. 

After the walk, we came back to mine and relaxed….They relaxed, my head was banging and I just wanted time alone. But they weren’t there long as D had work. I was trying not to worry about not being at work with them tonight, but I just had to sit and try and let it go. I need this time off. When they had left I took myself off to bed, foxy joined me as well, kicked off my jeans and got into bed. I set my alarm for an hour and a half. I didn’t want to sleep too late.

It was a nice nap, I woke just before my alarm. But just stayed laid in bed chilling out. Eventually got up and did myself a nice steak dinner again.

I have just been chilling out this evening. I got loads of things in my head that I need to do… but I’ve not been able to really get a thought in order to do it. 

My head is hurting so much! 😦 I need to get my head together! 

Mood has dipped and I feel like shit and really irritable! Knew that high wouldn’t last long. 

Peace out

Tank girl

Getting there

My mood has been pretty good today, not been high or low, just steady. 

I woke up at a reasonable time, which was good. Watched some t.v and had something to eat. 

My friend was looking for some company, so I got myself ready and fox and I went over to hers for the afternoon. I’d not seen her in ages, or her new flat 🙂 I had a good afternoon catching up with her.

I just had a proper steak dinner tonight, which was so nice! I’m off to G and S’s soon so that will be good fun.

I’m so pleased to be feeling much better, I hope it continues. 

Nothing really else to say. 

Peace out

Tank girl x

The day after the night before…

I had a really good nights sleep. I woke up about half 9 am needing a wee, but I still felt tired so I went straight back to bed until 1 pm 🙂 hehe lazy I know, but yesterday was long. 

I was just sat on the sofa waking up, when D rang me up to see what I was doing. But as I wasn’t doing anything he came over. I really needed to clean up and D bless him helped me, he did the kitchen and I did the rest of the flat. It was really nice the have some help as I was still feeling the effects of yesterday. It was quicker with both of us cleaning up. After I had finished, I jumped in the shower and got dressed. I put on my new Adventure time T-shirt 🙂 Well after taking ages to get the label out.

We went to the shop and got a few bits and oh my, I started feeling really poorly, I hurt all over, I felt a bit sick and dizzy. Was so glad to get in. 

We got all settled on the sofa with, snacks, drinks, pain killers for me and Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I love that film. It was so nice to just chill out. I really needed it. D got picked up at about 7 pm. I just chilled out watching t.v.

Because yesterday I didn’t manage to eat much and I hadn’t eaten a lot today I felt really sicky and horrible, so ended up having a little nap and woke up feeling better and managed to eat a little more. 

It’s not 12:30 am and I am still just chilling. It’s bank holiday Monday tomorrow. No plans yet. It all depends on how I feel. 

Going to get to bed soon, I’m starting to feel a bit achy and tired again.

 Me in my awesome Adventure time T-shirt 🙂 

Peace out

Tank girl

London Comic Con 14 AMAZING

Well what can I say about today! Really there are no words to describe how awesome today was! There was a lot of screaming and jumping about from me, oh and squealing hehe.

I was up at 5:45 am this morning, I literally jumped out of bed and into action! I had a shower and got dressed, had some breakfast, took foxy out for a wee and got by bag ready and I had a bit of time to chill out.

Got picked up at about 7:20 am by D and T and we set off to pick up D.S. All of us were pretty hyped up so spent all the trip up to London just chatting and getting even more excited. We did stop on the way for a wee break but we were soon back on the road.

We got to MCM Expo London Comic con at about 11 am and we headed over to find to how to get in, we got a bit lost to begin with, but once we found the right line and got in it, then the doors opened! We however were MILES from the front and we spent about 3 hours just waiting in line to get in. Time well spent though.

Finally got into the main place and just wow! I was SO overwhelmed! There were just thousands and thousands of people, so many of whom just had epic costumes! It was noisy, there was so many places to look! It was just sensory overload. So we tried to go around the whole place bit by bit and I think we managed to see everything. 

I am so glad I had a decent amount of money to spoil myself with 🙂 I got so many awesome things. 

A list of things I bought

1: I got a picture with the Doctor Who Tardis

2: Joker comic

3: Jake cake 

4: Steampunk goggles 

5: The most awesome Batman backpack EVER

6: Adventure time T-shirt

7: Adventure time Sword 

8: Adventure time card holder

9: 2 batman posters signed by a guy who does art work for transformers 

10: Adventure time book

😀 Money well spent. 

We sat down to eat at about 4pm! Man I was ready to drop by then. I so needed to sit down and eat! Had a look at our bits that we had all got and I think by far my batman bag was the best! Had another little look about as time was getting on. Then D and I decided to go sit in the car as we were starting to hurt etc. So D.S and T went their separate ways and finished looking around while D and I headed to the car.

Got to the car and sorted out stuff out, took my shoes off and took some pain relief and got myself comfy. Was great to sit down lol. It wasn’t long till T and then D.S came back. Had a little look at what the boys had got, then we started our journey back home. 

We stopped half way to have dinner. I had KFC but didn’t really eat mine, I was too hyper to eat and not that hungry. So set off again, for the other half of the journey home. I felt a bit sick on the way back, I think it was a mixture of being hot, not really eating much all day, bouncing about with excitement all day and it being heavy food on my stomach. Dropped D.S home 1st and luckily it wasn’t too much further to drop me back. 

Got in about 10 pm and I had one very happy puppy dog! wow was great to see her and be out of the car. I pretty much felt better straight away. 

I took my foxy girl out for a walk, we did a few circles of the green as she had been in all day. 

When we got in she headed to the bedroom and I let her in. I got a few bits and joined her in the bedroom. I took pictures of all the things I had bought. I have decided that I am going to wear my batman bag and steampunk goggles all the time as they are simply awesome. I uploaded pictures to FB and chatted to a few friends. 

I am now still hyper lol. I am hoping to sleep really well tonight and not get up too early… then I am going to clean up and do laundry! and if the weather is nice and I feel ok, then I am going to take my foxy girl for a nice walk. 

 Steampunk goggles 😀

Batman backpack complete with utility belt, wings and hood 😀 The best bag in the world! I am in LOVE! 

Peace out

Tank girl ❤

Darkness is falling

I don’t really have many words to say about how I feel right now. Other then I have fallen down that dark hole again, I am just standing on a ledge, I can either pull myself back up or fall even deeper down. 

My dark passenger is strong again, walking right in my footsteps. Never far from my mind, but I can’t undo all the good work I have done. I am nearly 9 months free from it.. I can’t fail at another thing. 

Still no word from my boss about me having time off… some other members of staff have had/due to have supervisions and have said how unhappy I have been with what has been going on within work etc. So fingers crossed things will change. Right now I am just happy volunteering without the pressure of doing courses etc. I want to be qualified but not right now. My head just isn’t ready. I am still having my time off, the people that run the two groups I volunteer at know I am having time out so that’s all that matters. 

My foxy pup had her annual check up on Wednesday, she’s finally put on weight 🙂 she’s now 3kgs. Which is really good, she was never really under weight, but they are much happier now she has put on a little bit. I’ve just got to try and maintain it. She said that fox is just a naturally slim dog. I mean I can still feel all her ribs, despite her putting on weight. She was really poorly after her jab, she was hot and lethargic, pretty much just dragged her about lol and she even turned down cheese! Which is not like her, but she was back to her normal self the next day. I hate seeing her poorly, but she needs her jabs.

Work Thursday was hard, I didn’t really want to be there. I just wanted to be home.

Today I was up really early! No idea why. Just chilled on the sofa, watching t.v and went back to sleep for a bit. I eventually got showered and dressed, went to town and exchanged some dvds for a bit of money and withdrew some money from my bank account. Came back and was in agony with my joints, so took some pain killers and had a little lay down, but didn’t sleep. I watched Paranormal Activity – The Marked Ones, it wasn’t very good, but I’ve watched the other films. I wrote a poem for Bruce who passed away a yr ago now, its to go on the mural at the advice centre. I think its alright.. 

Bruce, you were there for me at my darkest hour, You helped me when I had no where else to turn, You helped me learn, grow and become the person I am today. You helped me when I got too sick to work, you helped me when I had no home, you helped me when I didn’t want to live. Without you I wouldn’t be here, without you I wouldn’t have a home, without you I wouldn’t be me Bruce you played a massive part in my life and for that I thank you from the bottom of you heart, you are missed dearly ❤ 

I’ve just been doing nothing this evening. Just had cheese and crackers for dinner. Not really hungry.

I’ve got an early start tomorrow, I am being picked up at 7:30 am! Myself and some friends are going to London Comic con! I cannot WAIT! I am hoping it will help lift my mood. 

I have been talking to a lovely lady I met on a dating site called Plenty of Fish. She’s really sweet. Hopefully meeting up with her in a week or so. Only as friends but you never know what it might turn into. We chat every day which is really cool, just learning about each other 🙂

 Fox and Gizmo having snuggles, love the way he’s got his leg across her ❤

 Me just chilling today.

Peace out

Tank girl

 

System fail…

O.T was a waste of time… I didn’t want to be there, because my mood was so so low. I just wanted to be at home in bed. I tried to explain how I was disappointed with my p-doc app. She didn’t really have much to say. I explained how I am feeling stressed out with work and the pressure to do these courses that are coming up. I just tired to explain to her as best as I could the things that I am feeling at the moment. She just kept banging on about how I need to stick at work, going on about how doing the courses would be good for me. How it is a possibility that the benefits people could find me fit to work and I would be taken off disability etc… I mean wtf! Do all they care about is getting you back to work regardless of your mental or physical heath?! I very nearly walked out because I felt not listened too and made to feel again like I am making it up and I am more capable then working! 

I’m just getting pressure from all angles at the moment. 

I keep feeling anxious and today I felt really sketchy so since about 9pm tonight I have been sat in my bedroom where I feel safe. I don’t know where to turn to now…. 

Emailed my boss about everything… no reply yet. But from next week I am taking a few weeks off. 

I fucking hate this SO much! I try… end up feeling shit or manic.. take time out, come back feeling better, try again..etc… I feel like I am on a round about.. why am I even trying.. am I ready or capable for this type of work.. I keep failing.

Totally doubting myself.. am I really feeling all this? or am I just making it up? I don’t even know anymore!

tank girl

Clearly I’m just overreacting..

My p-doc is a fucking prick! I hate him SO much. 

Feeling depressed this morning and not really wanting to go anywhere it took a big effort to go to this fucking appointment.

Told him how depressed I had been lately, with my mood rising every now and again. He didn’t seem to bothered. 

He was only interested in the fact I was still doing voluntary work. Because clearly that’s all that matters!!!!

He asked me what I wanted him to do about… as if he was only going to help just to make me happy! like I am just making this all up.

He said of but everyone had highs and lows.. urm yeah but when it effects day to day living then it becomes and issue! FUCKING PRICK! 

So begrudgingly he’s upped my meds a whole 100mgs… to make me happy and he will see me in 2 months.

Its a total fucking JOKE!