Just ok

Well I had a shit nights sleep last night. I was up and down all night. I even tired to just rest, but I was still aware of the t.v being on etc… 

I cleaned up a bit this afternoon, not that much needed doing. 

Got showered and dressed and took the rubbish out. 

I took fox out for a walk and I was teaching her how to swim as well 🙂 she wasn’t impressed, but she needs to learn just in case. 

Chilled out this afternoon. 

Not done much else. 

Mentally just feeling ok.

Peace out

Tank girl 

Super weekend :) <3

Well I had a great day Saturday with L and Harvey 🙂 We met up about 11 am and headed down the the Quay. The weather was pretty perfect actually, it wasn’t raining but it wasn’t too hot either. I don’t like to sit out in the heat so it was really nice. Harvey had a FAB time. We caught 22 crabs and a fish. He was well impressed. He asked if he could keep one as a pet lol. It was such a good laugh. We dropped the fishing stuff back at mine and headed back out for lunch… mmm KFC 🙂 we had a look around the shops. I bought L a batman jumper! Hehe we got matching jumpers now. Love treating her and the boys. We went to the park and Harvey had fun running about playing. We walked around the lake going on all the exercise things 🙂 and we saw lots of different birds and their babies. Walked them to the nearest bus stop and I headed home myself. 

I went to Asda to pick up some food. Came home and chilled out a bit. S picked up me and foxy girl and we had a good evening there 🙂 

Today has been good. I’ve been in and out of sleep for most of the day, which has been nice and much needed after yesterday. I took out fox for a wee, brought her back and went back into town. I got some stuff to de-scale my shower head as it really needed doing and treated myself to some sweeties and two DVD’s The Incredible’s and season one of Adventure time 🙂 On my way home I saw a baby deer, poor thing was terrified. But I rung the police as she was near a main roundabout and didn’t want anyone getting hurt. I don’t know what happened but hopefully she was ok. 

I spent the rest of the day watching Disney films and having a good sing along too 🙂 hehe. 

So yeah its been a good day and I deffo needed to take time to look after me. My tooth has been hurting again today. I need to go back to the docs for more antibiotics. I’ve been really achy all day and felt a bit run down.

It is not 1:30 am and I am sat watching Law and Order SVU 🙂 I’m starting to feel a bit tired now. Might go to bed soon. 

Mentally I am feeling good today, so that’s a nice break from the recent darkness. 

Peace out

Tank girl

Dark passenger is no longer

So I don’t remember falling asleep last night, so yeah I slept ok. But however I was up at a stupid hour AGAIN. I bounced out of bed at about 7 am…. I mean seriously wtf is up with that?! It keeps happening! But I wasn’t even like wide awake, I was just awake… and kept falling back to sleep on the sofa… my body is so freaking weird! 

Sat and ate crackers lol, then I did get showered and dressed. I took fox down to Asda where I was meeting a lady as she was buying the doggy litter box off me. I didn’t have to wait for long and she was really lovely. I then took fox for a little walk, so she could pee. 

I got back home and sat down and I haven’t really moved since… :/ I’ve been up and down, I tried doing a bit of doodling and colouring in…played with a bit of Lego…I just couldn’t get into anything. My mood is so low still. So I’ve just been pottering about the place aimlessly. Having no money till tomorrow hasn’t helped either. 

I have been chatting to my new friend Z for most of the day which has been cool. Hopefully she will be coming over on Sunday, which will be something nice to look forward too. 

Tomorrow its meant to be raining, but I hope it doesn’t as I want to take L and Harvey crab fishing 🙂 If not then I’m gonna get my hair cut and pay bills etc. And may go over to L’s instead. 

My joints are feeling much better today and less painful. My head has been hurting a lot today. But I think there’s where I’ve been so tense. Just listening the to The Script at the moment feeling a bit more relaxed.

It’s not 10:30 pm and I’m not even tired, but I am a bit hungry, so will try and have something to eat in a bit. 

Just looking at my foxy girl who is fast asleep and tbh if it wasn’t for her I don’t think I would be here right now, after all that’s happened over the last 3-4yrs. I would of given up without her. I know I’ve not had her that long, just coming up to 2 yrs. But still she is the reason I am still breathing today. If my maths is correct I am 9 nearly 10 months self harm free (I will double check this) I am so proud of myself for that and you know what through this current bout of depression, my dark passenger hasn’t really been present! Which is great! I mean that is a pretty big freaking step for me. Usually with depression, the dark passenger gets strong and over takes me. But not this time. Am I finally beating this demon for good?? Bitter sweet really, as its been a part of my life for the past 19 yrs… which is like most of my life. My dark passenger was my best friend, something I sometimes enjoyed. But like everything, some things are best left behind no matter how hard it maybe, but its an important part of becoming the better you. My dark passenger will always be with me, but I will never let it control me again. I am much stronger then it now. No more scars on my flesh. 

Well I better try and eat, my tummy is grumbling lol.

Peace out

Tank girl

Nothing but the darkness

Last night was horrible. It took me ages to get to sleep. I was so agitated, I was exhausted but I just couldn’t relax! Was so frustrating. I slept in the end, don’t know what time. But when I woke up I felt as though I hadn’t slept.

I got up early anyway because Sammy pup was being dropped off. I went back to bed for a bit, was still a bit restless but I was tired. Managed to sleep for a bit. Just sat chilling watching tv with the animals surrounding me. 

Got in a argument with my brother. It started with him texting me about wanting to go out with fox and I said no because I’m not feeling well (will explain why in a bit) and he said oh one day this year I will get a yes! A proper DIG at me I felt. Yeah I say no to him a lot, one because I don’t feel well and two because I don’t really like spending time with him as he talks to me like shit. So he just went on and on about how I never see the family, bringing his kid, bump and my little cousin into it! Which was a low fucking blow. But the truth is we aren’t a close family, they only see him because they have no fucking choice, he forces himself upon them. And yes when I feel well I spend time with my friends, I don’t get why that is so freaking bad. But yeah he was calling me selfish, calling me a cunt all sorts. I fucking HATE him, he always makes me feel like I’m such a bad fucking person! He’s deleted me and made his gf do the same. I don’t hang out with my family because non of them even try to understand me and my issues. So why should I spend my time with people who don’t get me? Harsh but its a waste of time. I feel like they don’t want to know and the feeling is mutual so why make everyone unhappy? so yeah whatever I am a bad person… as always. I sent my mum this message – Can you explain to your son that I’m not always physically and mentally well enough to go out at the drop of a hat! I am sick of his verbal abuse. Taking it to a personal level saying things like non of the family like me, calling me a cunt!! This is why I don’t want to be around him, he’s a nasty person and is always only out for himself. Have I had a reply? No! no surprise there though, mummies little golden boy!

So yeah…. I am dealing with that bullshit and physically and mentally feeling like shit! My legs have been aching so bad all day despite pain killers and a hot shower. I have no idea why they hurt so much 😦 I managed to eventually have a shower, do a load of laundry and take the dogs for a wee.

I’ve just been trying to relax today, so just been playing fb games and chatting to Z 🙂 Oh and doing laundry.. I feel better for just relaxing. But I still hurt quite a bit, which sucks. I took the dogs out again earlier, which was nice. Oh I changed up the cats track 🙂 looks so fun. Hehehe.

I’ve got someone coming to get the dog litter tray that I am selling. Fox has never used it so made no sense to keep it. So getting a fiver for that. 

 Looking fresh faced! Camera on my new phone is amazing, so sharp. Even the front camera. 

 Cats toy 🙂 They are so spoilt.

Going to try and maybe have a sandwich.

Peace out

Tank girl

Slow… go….

Today it took me ages to get going! The flat was a mess and I knew I needed to sort it out, but just couldn’t get it done.

When I did get myself up and ready it was time to go and meet this lady I have been chatting too, I got there 10mins late, but she understood, so that was nice. We got on really well and chatted for a few hours. We sat in the park and looked in a few shops. I had a lovely afternoon. 

When I got in I was exhausted, so I slept for a few hours and foxy came and had snuggles with me 🙂 Took me a while to come round and wake up properly and finally cleaned the flat. It took a while, but I did it and I feel better for having done it. 

Had a sandwich for dinner… Its better then nothing. I’m just not hungry. I’m am so exhausted! Bed very soon!

 Pic from Harry Paye day 🙂

Peace out

Tank girl

Tired tank girl

Right lets try and formulate proper sentences in order to explain a few things on here. I’ve not been about for a while, because my mood has been extremely low and my physical health hasn’t been so good.

So my O.T appointment was shocking. I apologised for missing my last appointment and she said that’s ok, but its not like you – my case and point! that I’m not well…. I explained about not going back to volunteering and she just said oh well there’s no real point in seeing me again then… :/ smh. I was trying to explain what has been going on for me lately and she wasn’t listening and for the 1st time ever! I sat and cried my eyes out in front of her because I was so frustrated! I was in there for over an hour and she just kept talking to me like a child! Kept going on about having a routine, but I kept saying I am trying my best to do all that, but apparently it wasn’t good enough. She kept saying you got to take your medication.. I was like I AM! URGH so yeah she’s a fucking DICK! I came out feeling like utter crap! I went to see my GP later that day and I felt totally validated by him, he said well you have got a lot going on with your physical health and mental health. Which is really true and so sweet of him to say.

Saturday L and the boys came over and we hung out for a bit. Then went for lunch and D met us there. We all went down to the quay for Harry Paye day, which is a day about pirates. It was great fun, we dressed up and there was loads to look at and do. We only spent a few hours down there as it was so hot, so spent the afternoon relaxing at mine. H came over as well. It was really nice to spend time with my favourite people. Its so nice to have such a great group of friends. I had little Albie for the weekend. 

Sunday D came over and he helped me with Albie while I got ready. We went into town for a bit and took Albie to the park. It was so hot. I got a bit of heat stroke, so wasn’t feeling so good. I was glad when Albie went to bed lol, so I could rest and try and feel better.I did feel ok in the end.

Monday I took Albie bear home and hung out with L for a bit, which was cool. I went to phones for you on my way home and came out with a new phone 😀 I love it! I have missed having an android! Needless to say I spent the evening playing on it. I got the new HTC one Mini 2, its amazeballs! As yesterday evening went on I felt so poorly. My head was sore, I hurt all over and I was totally wiped out. So I took pain killers and went to bed.

Slept really well last night, I didn’t get up properly until 11:30 am! and I was still tired. I got showered and dressed and took foxy up to see my friend F and her little boy Raff. It was nice just to hang out. I got home at about 2:30 pm had lunch and ended up falling asleep for a few hours. Just been chilling, playing on my new phone, got a few bits at Asda. Can’t wait for Sammy to go home so I can get to bed! 

Right now mentally I am not really doing much better… I can do stuff with friends and be happy, but everything is an effort…etc. Physically I am exhausted and so achy. 

Peace out

Tank girl

Meh………….

Last night it took me ages to get to sleep! URGH! but I was so tired! So annoying. But after much agitation I got to sleep. Not sure what time, but it was gone midnight. 

I was rudely awoken at 9:30 am by drilling… you may think that really isn’t early but it was freaking LOUD! gah

So I was up UP! I ate a few crackers, got showered and dressed, took fox out for a wee, went to the bank, jumped on the bus to bmth. There was only 1 shop I wanted to go in to get more vest tops. Then got the bust right back home. 

Meh…can’t be bothered to write.

This afternoon consisted of smashing up my coconut and eating most of it 🙂 (this may of kicked off my IBS) Watched crappy tv. Just led on the sofa. Hung up my adventure time sword. Just doing nothing tbh. 

Rang my nan… bro had been bugging me too. TBF I should ring them at least once a week.

Mum rang the home phone asks if I’m home…SMH! lol go for a little walk with fox. 

Didn’t eat till way gone 9 pm… stomach didn’t like.. me either really, eating was more of a chore…

Mood I suppose could be described as low..

Watching the football tomorrow with friends, should be fun.

Peace out

Tank girl

Frustrated and crazy

Well thankfully today I didn’t dive out of bed at the crack of dawn! I woke up around 10 am, so more reasonable then yesterday. I just lazed about on the sofa… Real lack of motivation today. But I had a dentist app and I was off to see L.

Reluctantly I got off my butt, had a shower, got dressed….after trying on like 4 different tops lol! I hate days where nothing looks or feels right. After settling on an outfit, I nipped out with fox and brought her back. I went to the bank and then practically ran up to the dentist… my favourite place NOT! lol. I need a filling 😦 so got an app for that in 2 weeks. He said I got an infection too so I’ve got antibiotics, well I got to take the paper to the chemist first. Ran to the bus stop and didn’t have to wait too long before I was on the bus to L’s. 

I got to L’s just before she left for the school run! BOOM! had a cuddle with boo before we headed out to get Mr Harvey. Love that boy, I got him a pirate sword and he just said I have one like this! Hahaha least he’s honest. Got back and played with the boys while L was tidying up and doing the boys dinner. Harvey loves it when I play rough with him! I was trying to talk to him about the voices he hears and that, but he gets a bit shy about it and doesn’t really like talking about it. L said that the other day he was talking to himself but in different accents..and he pushed over Albie and laughed and smiled about it. His appointment at the child development centre couldn’t come soon enough, his bad behaviour is much more then just a naughty child. I really L and Harvey get some proper answers and help. She put the boys to bed, Boo boo went down first and cried himself to sleep as he was fighting it. The Harvey went to bed. 

L’s brother finally got to hers after footie training and we jumped in a taxi to town. Got our tickets and food and took our seats. We watched Godzilla in 3D omg it was freaking amazing! and L’s first time watching a 3D film. I hope there will be a second film. 

We had a little walk down to the beach. We went to go and see if the ‘monster’ was still down on the beach. I’d seen it in the paper, but I think it was just there for the day. But I got some fab pictures of the stunning moon. 

L and I jumped on the bus back to hers, the boys were fast asleep. They looked so freaking cute! I stayed for a little bit as I my bus wasn’t for another half hour. I would of stayed the night, but Sammy pup is being dropped off tomorrow morning and D is coming over early. 

I got the bus home, got in about 12:20 am to one very excited puppy dog 😀 We had snuggles and I got licked all over my face lol. I took her out for a walk. She was racing about like a wild thing. 

It’s now just gone 2 am and I am no where near ready for bed… My brain is wired! I’m not in the least bit tired. I feel like there is a million things I should/could be doing.

I am so disorganised at the moment. Like I know I have an O.T appointment soon, but I have NO idea when. I’m losing stuff, misplacing stuff. I don’t know when half my apps are, I know I have them lol! Suppose I’ll ring up to see when my O.T app is. 

I’m not eating properly. Don’t think I’ve had a proper meal in ages. My appetite is all over. I’m just eating as and when, just grazing really. I keep forgetting things. When I am having a conversation I keep losing my train of thought.. very frustrating. I just feel everything is slowly spiralling out of my control… I just sleep as and when… I really don’t know what’s going on with me. Some days I am feeling depressed, other days my mood spikes right up, then other days I just feel ok, but still can’t do anything if that makes sense… GAH! very frustrated. 

 Lou Lou and I ❤

Peace out

Tank girl

   

Insane brain!

I freaking hate my brain! I literally leaped out of bed at 5:45 am! I mean really wtf! I didn’t need to be up till 7 am. I was pretty much bouncing off the walls… Ugh 

Sammy got dropped off at 7:30 am. I then cleaned up the flat, got showered and dressed, took out the rubbish, went to Asda to have a cooked breakfast, headed up to the hospital for my blood tests. Came back into town, had a look about. Got myself a few bits. 

Got home, took the dogs out. I was quick to anger as fox was messing about and didn’t pee, Sammy was all over the place and fox didn’t listen and went over to people, when I had said not too. So she went on the lead and I dragged them both home. I was not impressed! 

Met up with a friend at 11 am, not seen her for a while so was good to catch up. I had a hot chocolate and a croissant, it was so yum. We had a look about town. 

Got home about 2:30 pm. Just chilled out on the sofa. I felt so tired and rough, so I slept for about 2 hours.

Mum rang and she was with Jack, so she came over to feed Jack as my brother has gone off in a strop…nothing unusual there! He’s such a prick. 

After they had gone, I nipped to Asda to do a bit of food shopping. Put it away and made myself a sandwich, I wasn’t at all hungry, but it was 7 pm and I needed to eat.

Just been chilling out this evening. I feel rough as. If I wake up early in the morning I am not going to be happy.

I took fox out for a wee and I didn’t feel to great, felt a bit scared. I swear to god I heard noises that weren’t there, I felt anxious and a bit agitated and on edge, but as soon as I got home I felt a bit better. Fuck all this weird shit!

Peace out

Tank girl

Dolly Parton

Well yesterday was epic! I woke up to a phone call from my friend D he asked me if I wanted to go and see Dolly Parton in Liverpool. At 1st I said no because I had no money. But I thought about it and really its a once in a life time opportunity I mean she’s 68 and it maybe her last ever gig. So I rang back up and said yes, so D said they will come and pick me up in an hour. So I jumped in the shower, got dressed.. Took me a while to figure out what I wanted to wear. I took fox out for a wee, nipped to the shops to get a couple of energy drinks, came home got some snacks together and waited for the boys to come and get me.

I went with D, his bf T and T’s mum. T was driving and it took about 6 hours to drive up there! We had a proper giggle on the way up. D and I apparently had an hours nap on the way lol. We got there and went to KFC for dinner, which was cool. We had a few hours to kill and by the arena there was a big wheel, so we all went up that, even though poor D was a bit scared lol. We then lined up to get in and found our seats. The arena was HUGE! it seats 12000! WOW! 

Dolly started performing at just gone 8 pm! and wow she was freaking amazing! She’s so cute and small! and so talented. She played a wide range of instruments! I was pretty gobsmacked ! I can’t even play one lol. I was in total awe of her the whole time! We were all clapping and singing along. She finished at about 10:30pm. We waited a bit before we left as it was so busy. It didn’t take long to get to the car, but it took a while to get out of the car park. 

I was so freaking hyper! and was awake for the whole trip back lol! We stopped a fair few times on the way back for toilet breaks etc. It only took about 4 hours to get back as there wasn’t much traffic about. I got dropped off home at 4:30 am! and I came home to a very excited foxy dog 🙂 we had snuggles, then took her out for a wee wee. 

Let her into the bedroom, put some food and water in the bedroom for her and got myself ready for bed and took my meds. I turned off my phone and put it on charge, played about on my tab and I must of fell asleep about gone 5 am.

Woke up about midday, came into the lounge and snuggled back up on the sofa with fox and spent pretty much the rest of the day sleeping on and off. I eventually got showered and dressed at about 5 pm, took foxy for a wee. Scraped £5 together and went to the shops for a few bits. 

Just been chilling out this evening, thinking about all the things I really need to do! Got so many things running through my mind just need try and organize my thoughts. I may write a list down of what I need to be doing and when. 

Going to get to bed fairly soon. Got to be up early for Sammy to be dropped over.

I can’t wait for the world cup to start! Our 1st game is Saturday! BOOM!

 The wheel we all went on

 The massive arena 

 Miss Dolly herself 🙂

Peace out

Tank girl