Moody Monday

My mood, mind and energy has been all over the place today.

Got loads of things I need/want to do, but can’t do till tomorrow when my money goes in. This hasn’t helped with my mood.

I went across the road a few times to the green where I let the dogs run about. But both times we were only over there for about 30 mins. Until the peace was ruined by the alcoholic scumbags that came over with their big dogs that they can’t control and do not trust around my two babies. So that really fucked me right off. I hate the scum round here.

I watched a film, just tried to relax this afternoon. Just sat about really. My mind totally racing with everything I want/need to do tomorrow. But can’t do till tomorrow because I get paid then. Definitely need my hair doing again.

Had dinner and felt so restless, like crawling out my skin restless.. So I took the pups out for a walk. Which was nice. We met some nice people and other pups πŸ™‚

Now its 10 pm. I think the period is nearly over…*I*hope* I am so tired. Mood and energy levels have crashed. Think I might do my med box up and take the pups out and get myself to bed

Peace out


Feeling hot and gross

So relaxing for one day is fine, but for the second day it always lowers my mood…

My period has been horrible today! 😦 I’m hot, sweaty, cramping….etc Urgh I just feel gross. Think I’m going to have a shower before bed. Maybe an early night.

I’ve not really done much today. Took the pups over the road for a bit so they could run round and round. I had a nap. Watched some films, did some looming. Nothing exciting really.

Just watching one of my fave shows, Ancient Aliens. Love it!

Urgh its only 8 pm!

Tired, run down and low mood. Bring on another day

Peace out


Relaxed boy :)

I’ve had a nice relaxing day πŸ™‚

I woke up about 9:30 am and I let the pups in the lounge and left the balcony door open. I then went back to bed till 1 pm. That’s the longest I’ve slept in months! and I felt so much better for it.

Had some breakfast and watched some TV, I eventually got showered and dressed. I took the pups over the road for a run. We were out for an hour. I just let them run wild, they loved it. I was just sat watching them.

Just been sat relaxing this evening, watching tv. I feel really good, nice and relaxed and glad I’ve caught up on sleep.

Not much else to say really. Just feeling good.

Β It was cold last night

Β My panting babies, tired after chasing each other

Peace out


Happy boy :)

Today’s been good. Just had a relaxing morning. No rushing about, which is always nice and I got up at nearly 10 am rather then my usual 7 :30 am!

I had some really great news this morning! From the Department of work and pensions (people who deal with your benefits) Currently they are changing people over from Incapacity benefit to something called Employment support Allowance and you are either put into the work group or support group. If you are put into the work group, that means they help you get back into employment. Any way, I’ve been stressing about the fact that I might get put into the work group. But I had a phone call this morning to say I DON’T have to go for a face to face interview! Which I am SO pleased for as that was stressing me out the most. And I have been placed into the support group πŸ™‚ I am SO relieved and I know I am very lucky. My money will also be going up. It will start Oct 23rd (I think)

So yeah amazing start to my day. After chilling out, I got a shower and got dressed. I took the pups out for a bit. Scrappy was racing about as usual.

Then D came over we chilled out just talking. Then I went to his hospital app with him and he just went home after his app…which annoyed me a little bit as I felt like I was just there so he didn’t go to his app alone… felt a little used. But whatever.

I came home, relaxed some more. Took the pups out for a little run. Had a sandwich and watched some tv.

Got myself ready to head out to group. I was a bit early cuz as always I rushed when I didn’t need too lol. I got a pepsi to take with me as I don’t drink tea or coffee. I saw someone that I sort of know…and she was yelling out to me and I answered and just kept walking! She’s so embarrassing! SO BPD! So to avoid her again I hoped on the bus, so I was really early lol. Anyway no one else came! but it actually was good because I got to talk about everything so M was able to learn more about me and my illness’s. It was nice to just sit and talk about me for a change.

I got back before 9 pm and man the pups were excited lol! I was like aw daddy’s home πŸ™‚ so let them jump all over me. I watched a tv show, then I remembered I needed to pick up my meds, so nipped out to pick them up…but where they ready?! NO! FFS all my doc has to do is fucking sign a bit of paper! GAH! so its not ready till Mon now.

Just been relaxing this evening, watching tv. It’s been nice. It’s gone 1 am now and I am a bit tired. So will probably go to bed soon. Nice to ditch the routine for a night.

Peace out

A happy batman πŸ™‚

Just ok

Nothing like a period to let you know you aren’t a real boy…. :/ But I suppose if I want a baby at some point I need to have them.

My mind and body have been at odds for ages. Like ever since I can remember I wanted to be a boy, but I’ve also wanted a baby…two diverse things! No wonder I am so screwed up!

I slept well last night and had a relaxing morning. Took the pups over the green and we played about for half an hour before I went out. It was nice πŸ™‚

I spoke to M before group today. She asked about my p-doc app and I told her about the gender fluid thing and just said I didn’t really know where to go. So she told me about someone who does gender identity counselling and a group. So she is going to talk to him for me and maybe come to the group with me first time, which would be really nice. So yeah that’s cool. Group itself was good, we went to the pub for dinner! It was yum! M dropped me back in town.

Had a little nap when I got in. Then I went to the shop and got a few bits. Came back and I’ve been relaxing ever since.

Mentally I’m feeling ok, physically I am ok still a bit snotty and run down, but its ok.

Peace out


Snot, sleep, scans, cleaning and pups

A little catch up

Tues – I was so lazy. I was up early about 7:30 am. I put the dogs in the lounge with the balcony door open and I went back to bed for a bit. The flat was such a state! But I just totally ignored it. I had breakfast and watched tv. I eventually got showered, dressed and took the pups out. I let scrappy off the lead and we were playing around with sticks, I love watching him run about, he’s so fast! But he had a good little run. I had some lunch and watched a bit more tv. Then headed out to my hospital appointment, which was just for my Dexa scan (bone density scan) The bus ran late, but the traffic was bad. But I only got there a few mins late and didn’t have to wait too long to be seen. It all went well, I should know the results next time I see my bone doc. As I got in my friend invited me over to hers, so I got home charged my phone. I took the pups out for 20 mins so they could wee and race about. I was leaving them again so felt a bit bad. So made sure we had a bit of time together. I went to the shop and got a few bits. I had something to eat, got my stuff together and headed back out. It was good to see C & C and their other friends B and T. It was nice to get out and distract myself from the stuff that was going over in my head. C referred to me a she a few times, but it just felt weird….which in itself I thought weird…if that makes sense. So from now on she is going to refer to me as he. I got in about 1 am. The pups were so excited, I took them out and let scrappy off the lead, which is the 1st time I’ve done so at night time as where I take them is near flats and I don’t want to be shouting his name! But he was really good and listened to me when I called him over! Very proud fur baby dad πŸ™‚ and he’s pretty much cracked sitting before crossing the road now!

So today, oh man my motivation was low this morning. But I woke up at like 9 am! So I didn’t feel too tired. But I did NOT want to clean! But the place was looking like it had exploded. So I had breakfast and just allowed myself to chill and wake up and then I begrudgingly got my butt into gear and cleaned! omg it felt like it took forever lol, but as always it felt good after it was all nice and tidy.

I had a nice shower and got dressed, took the rubbish out and came up and got the pups ready to take out. Scrappy as usual was racing about like a crazy thing! He’s so funny. There were some people warming up to do yoga and he kept chasing them round and going and getting in they way lol. But they were cool about it.. I just kept calling them both back over to me and tried to keep them occupied with chasing me and sticks. We were out for about half an hour.

I’ve just spent today in front of the idiot box. But I’ve still been feeling run down, so it’s been nice to have a chilled day to myself.

I was feeling a bit restless by nearly 6 pm and I decided as it was nice to take the pups for a proper walk. We spent 2 hours out, we met some lovely people and dogs. It was a nice relaxing walk. Sometimes I find myself rushing through, but I was mindful to just slow it down and take it all in and just relax. I also got some really nice photo’s.

When we got back I had something to eat and a hot drink as my throat is really sore. But it felt a little better after a hot black current.

I still feel run down and snotty, but mentally I am feeling ok. It’s nearly 11 pm so I think I will be getting ready for bed soon. I am shattered as are the pups πŸ™‚

Β My beautiful babies πŸ™‚

Peace out



I am SO tired and so run down again…..Meh I think I am sick again :/ Back to the doctors for me. I’ll sort out an app tomorrow.

So Sunday night was great fun, just hanging out in the gay bars and watching a P!nk tribute act, it was a good night. I had a couple of drinks too. We didn’t get back till gone midnight, took the pups out and got straight to bed. Although I didn’t sleep till like gone 2 am.

D and I were up by 8 am. Well I was up first. Let scrappy outside and boy it was chilly out this morning. I had some breakfast and chilled out. I let D get showered and that first. Then I got myself ready and YAY its finally been cool enough to wear jeans, tshirt, hoodie and cap comfortably today without getting too hot.

I went out with the pups as D was heading out to work. Man I felt so drowsy! Was hard to stay awake. Had some cake when I got in and just watched some TV.

Headed out to my p-doc app. I tried my best to go in there feeling fairly positive and without pre-judgements of how it was going to go. We talked about sleep, the group I am going too, what I’ve been up too. He took my blood pressure and he said it was perfect. He also said that I have a lot to contend with having mental and physical health issues…OMG! About time! So yeah it was a good appointment. I didn’t really need anything from him. I mean yeah my moods have been all over the place and they’ve been difficult to deal with. But I’ve dealt with them! and without resorting to self harm. So yeah. I’m doing ok. I didn’t talk about any gender issues. I wanted too, but I didn’t know how to bring it up or what he would say, or even what I would say.

When I got in this afternoon after my app, I had some lunch and cake. Then I fell asleep from 2 pm – 6 pm….Oooops! But I totally need it. It’s now 9 pm and I could sleep right through the night!

Not really done much else today. Just sleeping and watching TV. I think I’m going to get an early night. After this I am going to sort out my meds, take the pups out, maybe have a shower and get into bed. I need to clean in the morning. There is bits of sticks everywhere, scrappy brought one home with him this morning. Urgh I hate cleaning.

Peace out



Um where to start….Man I keep getting writers block! Got loads in my head though.

Its taking ages to put anything down. I think it’s because I’m tired. But I keep waking up so early! It’s so annoying! I really need a day to do fuck all. But as of today I don’t have a day alone till next Saturday. It’s good I’m busy, but I am so tired.

Went out with my mum today. Didn’t tell her about the gender stuff…she’s not the most understanding person…Maybe sometime. We went to a market and I took the pups too as there was a lady I wanted to see with the dogs. I got them both a reindeer hoodie each for Christmas and I got Scrappy his 1st hoodie πŸ™‚ I had fun getting them to try on different clothes hehe, was so cute! I could have spent so much money lol.

After the market we dropped the pups home and went into for some lunch, so that was nice.

Got in and I was so tired, I tried to nap, but that just didn’t happen. Grr. Went to Asda and got my 1st xmas present an outfit for Albie bear. L is feeling a bit better now πŸ™‚ Yay!

Just been relaxing this evening, watching tv and just sitting on the sofa.

I ordered a bit of food shopping! That’s being delivered tomorrow.

I ordered my 1st chest binder…hope its the right size lol, these chest measurements are confusing! It was only like a few Β£ so if it doesn’t fit I can pass it on to someone else in my situation.

So feeling pretty good. Just tired. Off to bed very soon.

Peace out

batman3 πŸ™‚

Gender issues

So I don’t even know where to start with today. My mind has been pretty all over the place. I think the main stress is I gotta see my p-doc Mon, he always freaking stresses me out. But I know my mind hasn’t been in the best place recently.

Urgh its taking me ages to write, so I get this all out properly and if I don’t I’ll just keep stressing lol.

I slept well last night and nearly fell straight to sleep. I think a full belly helped. I woke up early though and did the usual thing of putting the pups in the lounge with the balcony door open and I went to bed for a little bit.

I had two bowls of cocopops for breakfast πŸ™‚ well the cheap version anyway lol! I sat about a bit….looking at the shit pit that was my flat. My body felt so heavy and lethargic this morning. Hate feeling like this. But I cracked on and cleaned it all up! It always feels good when its done.

I got showered and dressed and took my pups for a wee. They both behaved this morning and didn’t stress me out too much lol.

Once again I rang up to see when the lift will be fixed…apparently tomorrow…We shall see!

Group was ok today, although a guy there kept really bothering me. Being all over the place and getting to near to me. I spoke to M who runs the group at the end. That was good.

Got a few bits before I got home and when I did the pups went insane lol, jumping all over me like I had been gone for a million years. Had a sandwich and caught up with my housewives that I had recorded and had a little Ben and Jerry’s ice cream πŸ™‚ So yeah just been chilling this evening. I’ve needed to calm my head down.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my gender recently and I don’t know where to start really.

But I suppose I’ll start with my journey.

Over the last year or so I have been struggling with my gender identity. I was born female, but don’t really feel like it. So after learning about all the different gender identities I now feeling comfortable and confident to say that I am gender fluid. Which means I identify more as a male, but I don’t want to change my gender physically. My main reason for that is because I want a child and if I was t transition and become fully a male that wouldn’t be able to happen, because of the hormones. I may look into binding my chest, but that doesn’t come without its problems. But there is a local group I can attend for support, so that’s cool and I hope I have support from you lot on here. So yeah. I’ve not really thought about a change or pronouns he/she whatever. But maybe that’s something I can work through. I just gotta figure stuff out and work stuff through. But yeah I’m Dyllan and I am a guy πŸ™‚

Peace out

Tank girl (I am going to think about changing this to something more fitting)

So chilled and happy

My belly is full, my joints are fairly painless and I am warm and comfortable. A sign of a good day. A day where I have looked after myself.

I have spent most of the day watching Six Feet Under, eating Ben and Jerry’s and sandwiches and sleeping πŸ™‚

I had a nice long shower this morning, it was nice.

Ah this day has just been perfect. I took the pups out a few times. I’ve just been relaxing! Taking care of myself.

Going to get an early-ish night. I am going to clean in the morning, then I have group in the afternoon.

On fb I have finally changed my gender to gender fluid. I feel like a guy 80% of the time, only really feel like a female when I am on my period lol. I am still learning who I am.

Anyway I am feeling really good πŸ™‚ I definitely needed this day to myself.

Peace out

Tank girl