The doctors appointment…. Regarding the stomach stuff, I just got to see how it goes…awesome! Ordered some more pens, so I have enough to take me into the new year. Didn’t manage my sputum sample though :/

Came home, had lunch and a nap. I definitely needed it. Had some toast, took pups for a wee and chilled out. Then headed out for Fri group.

Group went well although another member had breached my confidentiality. At the time I didn’t say anything as I was in a foul mood. So grumpy and depressed. Just so fucked off.

Got home…I did my injection. I was a bit nervous, but it went well and didn’t hurt as much as the first time.

I was in bed by midnight….I think.

Saturday I pretty much did fuck all. I ignored the fact the flat was a shit pit. I was in and out of sleep most of the day. I did take the pups for a wee. I went into town for a bit. Got scrappy some toys. Got some bits in the shop. Just spent most of the rest of them time sleeping.

Today has been very productive. I cleaned the whole flat, done 2 lots of laundry, cooked myself a very nice roast dinner from scratch! Took pups out twice for a wee. Watched some films πŸ™‚ Its been a good day in that respect. But my mood is no better. I emailed M to say I wasn’t happy with my confidentiality being breeched. But I said I’ll deal with it if my mood is better.

Got my chest doc app tomorrow afternoon…joys.

Urgh just whatever.

Peace out


The fire is going out…

I didn’t get to sleep till about 2 am and I was up at 7 am! But I did fall back to sleep on the sofa for a bit.

My bro rang me this morning and we spoke for about half a hour. I had asked him if he would take me to my app for my ct scan next week as its so early and he said yes. He is being nice to be recently ever since having another baby.

Got myself showered and decided to shave my very hairy legs…the experiment to see if I liked it come with a 50/50 result. I liked it because I didn’t have to shave….but it didn’t feel right..because my body is female. But I can say I gave it a go. So took a while to shave, I’m naturally hairy! Got dressed and sorted out my bag. Took the pups out for a wee, brought them back, got myself together and left to get the bus to group.

Group was a bit heavy…as I and someone else talked about the lack of help in the mental health system. It was getting me upset, so I did ask if we could stop and move on to something else as I didn’t want to end up sitting there crying.

After group I had the bright idea to do something nice for everyone. And my idea was to get everyone a little box each and the idea is that everyone in the group gets a little box and some bits of card. Each person has to write a word or a sentence on the bit of card for each person in the group and then you keep the little bits of card in the little box and look at it each time you need a little pick me up πŸ™‚ So I went and bought some little boxes and card. I really hope people in the group appreciate it. I also got myself a new napping pillow for the sofa πŸ™‚

I went into the sweet shop to see S, M and W. We all went to go and see the Christmas tree lights being turned on, so that was nice.

Came home, to my very excited babies πŸ™‚ I sat and cut the bits of card down so it would fit into the small boxes, sent a few emails. Just been catching up on fb. I am aiming to get to bed by 11pm at the latest. So after this I need to hang up the washing, eat and take the pups for a wee.

I have a doctors appointment tomorrow morning, I am hoping to get something better for my stomach. Also I need take a sputum sample…gross.

I just feel like utter fucking crap! Totally ready to give up…give in. What’s the point! The fire in my belly to keep going, it on a very low burn


Feeling down, down, down

So since Saturday, I’ve not really done much, but then I’ve not really felt well.

Sun Z came over in the afternoon. We had a look around the shops and I got myself a new batman top πŸ™‚ We came back to mine, chatted and chilled out. We watched Frozen as Z had not seen it before. I was singing along…well I tried to lol. I did her some dinner. I just had toast as I was still feeling quite sick. We watched a documentary about the autopsy of a Woolly Mammoth, it was really interesting. I think I’d had a short nap before lol. Z left shortly after. I didn’t walk her to the bus as I wasn’t feeling so great. I took the pups out about midnight, but I felt so sick when I got in, so I was a bit hesitant to take my medication as I didn’t want to wake up to be sick. So I went to bed and fell asleep for a little bit. Woke up at 2 am and took my meds and ended up sleeping well and didn’t wake up throwing up.

Mon I didn’t really do much, just caught up on sleep. Didn’t have the energy to do anything. Took the pups across the road a few times for a run. Just trying to keep my head above water. My friend is ill again…the mental health system are just not helping! It’s disgusting at how she is being treated. Animals get treated better. I wish I could help her and make it go away. I did tidy up a bit, got my meds sorted, so I didn’t have to worry about that when I got in from group.

The trans group went well. I was the only “guy” there. I’ve been thinking a lot about my journey and I think for now I am happy with being gender fluid and at the moment am not wanting to transition.

After group I got in to two happy puppies πŸ™‚ I went on the laptop for a bit. I ordered myself a new bag. I went to Asda and treated myself to some bits, a dvd, cd, chocolate and other bits so I didn’t have to go out again.

Then I had some toast, did my hot water bottles up for bed and got things ready. I took the pups for a wee and we came back and snuggled in bed and I slept fairly well.

Tues again I didn’t do a lot. I slept a lot but I did clean up the flat, which made me feel better. Then C text me to see if I was still coming over…and in all honesty I had completely forgotten. So I nipped to asda and got C a birthday card and presents and some Pepsi and a pot noodle to take with me. I came home and had some toast and pain killers before I left.

I got to C’s just gone 7:30 pm. Her bf C showed me far cry 4 on his new xbox one and man its freaking amazing! Graphics are just so good, as it the game play. After C had finished what she was doing, I went down stairs and gave her they birthday presents and she liked them all πŸ™‚ We had a nice evening, just chilling and chatting.

Got home at 1 am and I got home to doggy diarrhoea all over the bathroom floor…It was gross! I was pretty sure it was scrappy as he went and stood by the balcony door as soon as he saw me, bless him. I couldn’t deal with it straight away as I as feeling a bit icky. I had really bad trapped wind. So I laid down on the sofa for a bit, rubbing my belly and burping and farting away..well trying too. I took 2 ranitidine and that helped a little.

I went and cleaned up the poop and I came back in the lounge to put the bath mats in the wash…only to find more poop on the floor…so had to quickly clean that up. My poor baby boy. I took their food up as I thought the best thing to do was to starve him. Just for a bit to see how he goes. I decided the best idea was to sleep on the sofa with the pups so if scrappy did need to go at least he would go somewhere that was easy to clean. So I did my hot water bottle, got myself my pillows and blanket all ready and took the pups for a wee. We got back in, took my meds and put a film on. I didn’t get to sleep till gone 4 am!

Weds…well today! I woke up about half 9 am and put the tv on. The postman buzzed up and I went down to get my post and I got my new bag already πŸ™‚ yay. Got a new appointment for my CT scan, which is next week at 8 am…! Bit early but, I can’t change it as I need it done before my other app on the 19th. Scrappy only had a bad stomach once in the night, so cleaned that up. I let him out on the balcony and he just peed. Still not giving him any food, just fresh water. Been giving foxy a bit of food though. I snuggled back up on the sofa after putting on a load of laundry and I fell back to sleep for a bit. I’ve just spent most of the day in and out of sleep. I did eventually get showered and dressed and took the pups out for a little run. Scrappy was running about like a crazy thing.Definitely nothing wrong with him other then a poorly tum.

Just chilled out watching tv this afternoon, I put my old badges on my new bag πŸ™‚ sorted that out, ready to use tomorrow. I gave scrappy a bit of his food to see how his tummy went.

I’ve just been eating jam on toast all day. I settled down this evening to watch a film. I took pain killers, did my little hot water bottle, got myself some toast, Pepsi and chocolate buttons and snuggled up to watch The Guardians of the Galaxy. BUT I didn’t get to watch most of it as it was my turn to have diarrhoea…*sigh* it felt horrible, because my stomach was so empty, but it was still trying to go.. 😦 But I took something to stop it and its been ok since.

Just been on the laptop this evening while watching tv. Although one show I watched I just cried my eyes out. It was about these poor kids living in absolute poverty. It was heartbreaking and I cried the whole way through. I think I am too empathetic sometimes.

I have just been feeling so over emotional at the moment. Crying at every emotion provoking thing. But I’m not sure if its just pent up emotion or what…because I don’t cry often, no matter how I feel. Oh I don’t know. Being so ill physically doesn’t help either. Just feel so alone, dealing with all this. It’s so hard! I hate it. I don’t know, I’m just feeling very fed up at feeling so poorly 😦

Peace out



Been a lil busy boy, so not been about. So I shall catch you all up πŸ™‚

Thursday was good. I was up early for some reason, so I had a nice cooked breakfast in asda. Took the pups out etc. It was a relaxing morning because I was up so early, had time to do all the bits I needed too. I went into EE as I had an email about getting a tab on contract. So I came out with a Samsung Galaxy tab s on a 24month contract at Β£25 a month for 4gb. I love my new toy. Selling my old tab to L.

I went to group in the afternoon and it was great to be back. I had really missed it last week. I swear though, that only 3 of us in the group actually talk about anything to do with LGBT or mental health, others just talk about their ailments and what they have been up too. Makes me question what they get out of coming….Next week we are doing some art therapy, so looking forward too that. I think I have a lil crush on someone in the group… :/ but she’s taken. Which makes me want her more. Gah! I even had a dream about kissing her…man it was a sexy dream. But yeah…lol.

After group I got in and made a chicken, bacon and leek pie all from scratch, the cheese sauce too! It was so lush, loads left to freeze as well. I went over to see C and C after dinner for a few hours. C gave me a new power lead for my xbox, so I am mega happy it works now πŸ˜€ Just chilled out and chatted which was nice. Didn’t leave too late, so got home just before 12 am. Did my usual night time routine, took pups out etc. Was in bed by about 1 am.

Fri I woke up a bit later, took me a while to get going. But I got up, did my morning routine. Didn’t have much time to take it slow. Got my bag ready and headed out to catch my 1st bus. I only had to wait 20 mins for the second bus, so I started watching Monsters Inc on my phone while I waited. Got to the hospital a bit early but took me ages to bloody find my way in! They are doing a lot of building work, so I got pretty stressed out because everything had moved. And I am so shit at directions. Kept asking people how to get to places, but I got there in the end. I went to the chemist to get my prescription, I had a little look and they were pre-filled pens with my exact dose. Went to outpatients and waited for the nurse. The nurse came and got me, bang on my app time. She was really nice πŸ™‚ she started explaining all about the injections etc and showed me how to do it. Then she gave me an empty pen, to practice how to do it. I was nervous, but it was easy enough to do. Then she took out one of my pens and I did it for real! The jab itself didn’t hurt, I didn’t feel it at all. But right after….well that hurt like FUCK! JEEZ man! The nurse was like…oh forgot to tell you about that! Lol yeah cheers. Fuck it hurt. But if it stops making me sick, then its so worth it. So I got 3 pens, so that will last 3 weeks and I have 2 sharps bins. Then nurse showed me a quicker way to get out, so didn’t spend half an hour trying to get out lol. The next but was meant to be a 20 mins wait…..but I waited and 2 buses didn’t turn up! After waiting for nearly an hour, I finally got the bus and continued watching Monsters Inc. My stomach was really hurting, felt so uncomfortable. Got off and waited for another bus, but didn’t have to wait that long, still watching Monsters Inc. I got home 4 hours and 40mins after I had first left! Hate the journey so much.

Just relaxed all evening. I had been invited out to 3 different events. But my stomach was still hurting and I just didn’t feel like it. I went to the shop and treated me and the pups to some yummy things πŸ™‚ Come in and snuggled on with sofa. I did try and eat some dinner, but I felt a bit sicky as the jab was still hurting my stomach. I was in bed by half 10 pm!

I only woke up this morning, because of the post man. But he delivered me the cover I had ordered for my tab. That was about just after 10 am this morning. The methotrexate had made me drowsy, so I was in and out of sleep most of today. Finally got my butt up and showered and dressed at 2 pm. I took the pups across the road for a run. I let scrappy off the lead as his boy bits are all healed now and boy did he run! Hehehe he went crazy! and so did foxy. Think she enjoyed playing with him again.

Felt a bit bored this afternoon/evening. Put some feelers out to see what people were up too. But everyone was busy. But its ok, I just sat with how I felt. Again I tried to eat dinner, but I just didn’t want it. I’m hungry but since being sick, I’ve had not really wanted anything other then jam on toast! Well I have, but its just not gone down :/

Just been chatting to friends and playing fb games this evening. I just remembered that I had such a weird dream last night. I dreamt that me and my friend H were taken to a pen convention by someone who I felt I knew, but I didn’t know who it was. It was SO weird. This convention was about pens….as in the type you write with. No other stationary…just pens. It was so bizarre. Just remember feeling confused about what the fuck was going on! haha.

Mentally I’m doing ok. After being physically ill and so emotional last week has taken its toll a bit, if I am being totally honest. I’m tired. Day to day life, emotionally and physically is fucking hard. And I’m tired. I sometimes wonder how and why I keep going…but I do. I do wish sometimes that someone would just help me with everything. So its not such a struggle. I have no-one to emotionally lean on and that’s hard. I’m just tired and emotionally drained! I’ll be ok tomorrow.

I’m talking to one of the guys from the trans group about binders and stuff, so am hoping he can help me with it all as its confusing and I don’t really know where to start or even what I’m doing. So looking forward to that. I am thinking my new hair cut makes me look more like a guy πŸ™‚

Z is coming over tomorrow, so looking forward to seeing her. I’m glad I didn’t go out with her and C for C’s bday as coke was being taken… and I wouldn’t have enjoyed it at all. It’s one thing being around drunk people, but I hate being round people who are coked up….reminds me way too much of my 1st gf. That was not a good time! So yeah…

Going to have some toast soon, then do my night time routine and get myself to bed as I’m feeling tired now.

Β My pen and bins.

Β Just chilling πŸ™‚

Peace out


Feeling Fine ;)

I finally slept so much better last night. No wonder really, I was so freaking tired. Think it was just out of sheer exhaustion.

I took it easy this morning as I had no real reason to rush about, which is always nice as I hate rushing. Makes me feel grumpy, need to do things in Dyllan pace! Did the usual morning things, watching tv etc.

Went out to get my fluff cut and boy it was desperately needed. Now I am sexy again! WOOHOO! lmao. It’s been cut into a bit of a different style, so really happy with it.

Got in an had a shower, washed off all the tickley bits of hair. Took the pups out for a walk. Scrappy is so hard to walk at the moment, because he’s not allowed off. Poor boy is dying for a good run, but not long now.

Relaxed this afternoon with the pups and did a load of laundry. I even had a cheeky nap! I only woke up to be sick….stupid fucking acid reflux! I think I need to see my gp about it as its not got any better, even with the ranitadine and gaviscon. I’ll ring tomorrow for an appointment.

I did my gammon in coke for dinner…but I couldn’t eat it all because of the acid reflux. I’d had gaviscon before I ate, but it didn’t really help. So I couldn’t eat it because I felt sicky and horrible. But I do have loads of left over gammon to eat.

Just been relaxing this evening. Got group tomorrow and I cannot WAIT! I so missed it last week. Going to clean up in the morning, go to group, come home and cook for me and my best friend H πŸ™‚

So excited for Fri! I cannot WAIT to learn to do my injections. Sounds stupid, but I’ve been waiting for this for a year and I am PRAYING I am no longer sick! Because I am totally over being sick due to fucking medication!

Anyway I am feeling MUCH chipper πŸ˜‰

Β Me

Peace out


On the mend

Sleep is not my friend at the moment! I only had about 6 hours last night.

I was up and about before 9 am! I thought maybe I would fall back to sleep on the sofa….but that didn’t happen. So I was up showered and dressed and out with the pups for a little walk. After I treated myself to a cooked breakfast as I was actually feeling really hungry and I’ve not felt this hungry since last week. Went into town, paid my bills and cracked on with xmas shopping!

When I got in I sorted out all my xmas shopping and did of list of who I have bought for and who I need to buy for and I am totally on it this year! About half way through.

Rested for a bit and had some lunch. Took scrappy to his vets appointment. A whole hour there…its SO long. But the vet said he is healing well, although his balls are a bit swollen as he’s been over doing it. How do I slow a crazy 6 month old pup down! I asked about getting foxy done and what the vet has previously told me was a load of shit! The healing time for fox after being neutered is about the same time as scrappy. Obviously she will be a little more tender and fragile, but she’ll be ok. The nurse really put my mind at rest about getting her done, so I think I will sort her out after xmas.

When we got home I was so tired, I ended up nodding off for just over an hour. I totally needed it though. Watched The Simpsons, then went and did my food shopping. I need to get my eating back on track. So I am doing gammon in coke tomorrow, Thurs I am making chicken, bacon and leek pie from scratch and at the weekend I am going to do a whole small chicken in my slow cooker πŸ™‚ Looking forward to cooking and eating it all.

Tomorrow I don’t have much planned, just laundry, cooking and I may get my mop of a hair cut! It’s so fluffy atm lol.

Going to have some toast soon and get myself to bed. I am tired!

Peace out


A good start to this week

Urgh I had such a restless nights sleep. At one point I woke up cold and it was because I was at the other end of the bed using the duvet as a pillow….no wonder I was freezing lol. But I suppose I didn’t sleep well because I’ve not really been out much. But then I’ve not been well enough.

But anyway I was up at 9 am. I chilled out for a bit, then showered and got dressed. Took the pups for a wee and brought them back. I went out to have my bloods done and man I was in there an hour! It took SO long, I felt like I was in there forever lol.

I went into the sweet shop to say hello to S. Was nice to see her and catch up.

Went home and took the pups out again. It’s so difficult as scrappy isn’t allowed off the lead for at least till Fri. I put foxy on a separate lead a non retractable one and she seemed much happier trotting along on that. The tandem lead is good, but now scrappy is bigger he drags poor fox along. I may get him a non retractable lead for when he is allowed off, as he doesn’t really need a long leash as he goes off the lead to run about.

I am feeling much better today. I feel much less poorly, my symptoms seemed to have calmed down. I also feel much less emotional as well. Yesterday I kept crying because I just felt so poorly and helpless. I feel more me today. Being so poorly does have a real toll on my emotional state as it would anyone. I feel good, mentally and physically. I can’t wait to get back to group this week! I really missed it last week. Just proves that since starting in August it has been such a great support and I’ve really enjoyed going there.

Haven’t done much this evening. Caught up with some of my friends on fb, which has been nice. Just been relaxing. I actually feel hungry as well! But don’t have anything in that I fancy. But I get paid tomorrow, so I can get some food shopping.

Mr Scrappy seems to be healing well. He has an app in the afternoon to check him over. He seems to be his usual crazy self.

Urgh I need a hair cut! It’s so LONG and fluffy! So tempted to get the clippers on it, but I know I’ll regret it. I may get it cut tomorrow morning if D is in the shop.

Going to have some more jam on toast and chill πŸ™‚

Peace out


Yup still sick

Saturday I didn’t do much. I slept a lot, but I did managed to get into town for a little bit. Not much else to be honest. Oh my stomach has been playing up :/

I hated last night! 😦 My acid reflux was so bad and I couldn’t stop coughing. I ended up throwing up! I felt a little better after that. Still I tossed and turned all night.

I managed to clean up today, it was such a pit! and needed doing. I also managed to get the pups out for a short run this afternoon. So its nice I’ve actually been able to do stuff. But I’m still not feeling 100% This cough is driving me insane! 😦

MEH! Tomorrow I’m going to get my bloods done and maybe speak to my specialist and see what he says about this all. I think this acid reflux needs investigating better.

Hope I sleep better tonight. Just been watching films this afternoon.

Peace out


Long catch up..Been really poorly!

Wow so I haven’t been on my laptop in over a week.

I was busy with friends and baby sitting from Thurs-Sun. H stayed over Fri night, we then had Harvey and Albert on Saturday. We took them to a indoor play area and had them both for the night. Took them Home Sun afternoon. We all had a really good weekend.

On Sun-early hours Mon morning, I woke up with sickness and diarrhoea…it was so horrible. But only lasted about an hour. I managed to fall back to sleep on the sofa with my babies.

It’s taken SO long for some reason to get over this. I’ve had really bad acid reflux, my joints have been more painful, I’ve been feverish and I’ve just spent most of the week sleeping. Also my appetite has gone! The thought of eating makes me feel sick. However I did manage a little bit of dinner on Weds but I’ve mainly been eating jam on toast, lucozade and yoghurt. But I really need to start building myself up again. But it’s going to be a struggle as I don’t actually want to eat anything :/

I’ve missed all my groups this week 😦 because I’ve been so unwell. All I have done is eat a little, sleep LOTS, take the pups across the road for a wee, sleep…go to the shop to get meds and little bits of food. Been a bit emotional as well where I’ve been so ill…really manly lol!

Don’t have to take my methotrexate this week! YAY! start my injections next week, so fingers crossed it doesn’t make me feel so ill.

Thursday I had to starve poor scrappy from 8 pm as today he went in to have his nuts off. All went well, he was just feeling very sorry for himself and he’s a bit sore as well.

Today has been the most I have been out all week. My brother took me to drop scrappy at the vets and he dropped me home. My grandad took me to pick up scrappy and he dropped us home. I had lunch and we all had a really nice nap this afternoon. Scrappy was still really drowsy, so he was snuggled right up with me.

I went out and got scrappy some rice for dinner as that’s what the vet said he could have….but he didn’t eat any of it! I bought myself some pasta and sauce…but that didn’t go down well, so ended up just having jam on toast lol. But physically I was feeling better, so I chilled out for a bit, then had a nice shower, took pain killers, both inhalers, cough syrup and gaviscon before deciding to go to the trans guys social. Thought it was best I dosed right up before I left lol. I ended up having a really good evening and I am so glad I felt well enough to go πŸ™‚ it was so nice just to be out properly with real people!

Got in just before midnight and as I am feeling better I decided to hop on the laptop and catch up on everything. I am hoping that this is a good sign and I will be back on top in no time πŸ™‚

It’s now 2:35 am. I’ve yet to take fox for a wee…scrappy isn’t coming out as he’s not allowed to run about for a bit, so he can pee and poop on the balcony. Going to maybe do a little bit of cleaning up tomorrow…if not then it can wait till Sun.

Man its good to catch up! Feels like I’ve been away forever lol

Peace out


this is a witty title

Well I had a fucking SHIT morning! First miss Marley moo wakes the pups up by scratching at the bedroom door, scrappy gets all excited and jumps over me, so I woke up and let scrappy out for a wee and I had myself some breakfast. This was about 7 am! I went back to bed and after about half an hour of being in bed the fucking fire alarm goes off! URGH! I just stayed in bed and ended up sleeping through it. If there was a real fire I’m sure I’d be rescued….if not then never mind lol!

It took me a while to get going this morning, felt so tired. But I did everything I needed too before heading out to group.

Group was good. A bit heavy at times, but it was ok. Someone made me smile, so it was worth it. Someone did refer to me as she, so at the end I did remind everyone it’s HE not she in this group. M dropped me near mine which was cool. It was raining and I was feeling achy so didn’t fancy the bus trip.

Got home to no destruction and no pee or poop! YAY! Lol. I was really hungry so sat and are cold gammon and had a hot chocolate. I dosed up on pain killers as my head and joints were hurting. Watched tv. I went on the laptop and came over drowsy, so ended up falling asleep for a bit, but I think I needed it as my head felt better after.

Just been chilling the rest of the evening. I can’t wait to pick up my glasses tomorrow! πŸ˜€ Nothing else planned yet. I need a day of rest.

Its nice and windy and rainy out tonight, so excited to go out NOT! lol. Not going to bed yet, feeling snuggly so don’t want to move hehe.

Feeling better today, calm and less stressed. Missing my dad tonight. Wish I could talk to him properly about everything *sigh* Physically am ok, just the usual aches and pains. Oooh got my app through to learn how to jab myself! with the methotrexate! That’s two weeks tomorrow.

Oh on This morning (a tv show) They were talking to a person who is bi-gender and they read out my tweet πŸ˜€

Well that’s it for tonight.

Peace out