Breezy beach walk :)

Well I managed to get to bed at just gone 1 am. I did my injection in my thigh, which hurt like a mother fucker! lol. Went into the bedroom, put the heating on and turned on the tv and xbox. Pulled the covers over the bed so if the dogs are a bit wet when we get in, they don’t get the inside of the bed wet. Sorted out my hot water bottle and picked a dvd to watch in bed and I chose Monsters Inc πŸ™‚ Went and put my water bottle at the end of the bed, mainly use it to warm up my little feet. Got the pups ready and took them out for a quick walk and wee.

Got all snuggled in bed watching the film and playing on my tab, although I didn’t stay up for long, I was really drowsy. But I slept really well πŸ™‚

Had about 8 and a half hours sleep again, so woke up about 10 am. Still felt pretty low and unmotivated…Didn’t want to do anything. So I fell back to sleep again on the sofa till midday.

When I woke up I had s choice to make. Either I got my butt off the sofa, cleaned up and bit and went out and did something, or to stay in all day and feel even worse. So after some back and forth chatter with myself, I decided to stop be so fucking lazy and unmotivated and to get my backside into gear and not to waste yet another day. Yeah I gave myself a good talking to lol.

Didn’t quite know where to start, what I was going to do….I just stood for a bit, until I came up with a plan that was in order, made sense and was something I wanted to do.

First I sorted out the kitchen, it was in a bit of a mess. So I cleaned that up, sorted out the bin that was pretty much over flowing.. :/ Then I cleaned out the litter box, decided I was going to do the bare minimum so I left the poop on the balcony for another time. Put all the dog toys in the box and hooverd up. Just straightened everything up. Boom flat sorted!

I got myself showered and dressed, wore my cuff jeans today, so I could wear my boots and I find the cuff jeans keep me a little warmer. I got my backpack ready, packed a spare jumper for me, foxy’s blanket just in case she got really cold, a drink for me, treats for the pups and scrappy’s ball and ball thrower thing. Oh and made sure I had spare pain killers too. I took pain killers before we left, to tide me over for when we are out. I wrapped myself up in a nice thick jumper and a hoodie over the top, I had my boots on, my fingerless gloves…I hate full length gloves they make me feel weird, stupid I know, but I don’t like the feel on them and I had my beanie hat on to keep my ears warm.

Got the pups ready to go out and made sure I had poo bags…..well nappy bags but same thing lol, they are way cheaper the poo bags.

We were off, we left about 2 pm. Walking through the high street took a while because it was busy and people stopped to say hello πŸ™‚ Hopped onto the bus and we were on our way to Bournemouth beach.

Walked through Bournemouth gardens and scrappy was just bursting to get off and run, he was pretty much dragging me along. He may be small but he’s strong. My lil foxy was just trotting along with me, she’s such a lil princess. Scrappy hasn’t been on a proper sandy beach before and as soon as we got there I let him off and zoom! He was gone, running all over, saying hello to everyone. He just went crazy. Foxy just continued to trot along slowly, but she did go say hello to lots of people. I was played fetch with scrappy, what else would that boy be doing lol. He was running in and out of the waves that were crashing onto the beach. He didn’t go right out for a proper swim, he would have been swept away. But he doesn’t mind getting wet and he was soon covered in sand as well. We walked up and down the beach, didn’t go too far though as I knew how ever far we walk, I have to walk back that far, so we stayed within the second groyne out from either side of the pier. That was a comfortable distance for me to walk to and from. It was such a lovely day and I got some really amazing photos πŸ™‚ I think we were out for about an hour and a half. Which was more then enough time. Foxy was getting cold and my hips were starting to feel stiff. Scrappy however could have stayed forever, that boy just doesn’t stop!

We walked back through the gardens to the bus and luckily one just pulled up so we didn’t have to wait. It was nice to sit down in the warm. Half way through the bus trip scrappy was sick…glad he was sat on the floor and it was just water. Thankfully I had tissues, so I moped it up and put it in a poo bag. He was sick again and again it was just water…He’d drank too much sea water, that’s all it was. So cleaned it up and the bus was just coming up to the hospital, so I decided to get off, just in case he was going to be sick again and I am SO glad we got off when we did. Started heading home and yep I guessed right, because he threw up a lot…it was watery and sandy..gross! walked a bit more and he was sick again. My poorly boy so horrible to watch, but he was happy enough walking along. He probably felt better for being sick.

Got home and yeah there was a reason I left the heating on…ah it was so nice and warm πŸ™‚ scrappy had a drink and threw up again, it was just sand, so gross! But that was the last of it, that will teach him to drink sea water. But partly my fault for not bringing him clean water to drink, he gets really thirsty racing about, so that is a lesson for us both for next time we go there.

Sat and relaxed for a bit, had a Pepsi. Foxy curled up on the sofa on her blanket, I think she was happy to be home and warm. Scrappy however just went and brought me his ball we use just indoors….Yeah I just looked at him and said not a chance my boy! I need to rest for a bit.

I remembered I didn’t have anything out for dinner. I wasn’t really hungry, but I needed to eat. Even though I had breakfast and lunch today, I felt like I hadn’t eaten anything at all…its weird. But like I keep saying I think my body is still getting used to not eating so much. Its not used to being full and bloated all the time. Anyway I went down to asda, I got myself some microwave chips and smoked haddock, some sweets and treats for the dogs. Didn’t ended up eating the fish, just the chips. The fish will keep till tomorrow though. Nice easy, healthy-ish dinner.

Haven’t done much this evening, just had the crime channel on, played fb games, uploaded my pics to laptop and fb. Nearly 11 pm and I think I am going to head to bed after I have done this. I’m pretty tired after all that fresh air.

Not a solid plan for tomorrow as of yet. On fb this woman posted a picture of some dog stuff and I really like two all in one coats. So I am going over near where she lives at some point tomorrow for foxy to try them on. I’m hoping they fit as they are a bargain for Β£2 each. I won’t be far from the beach, so I may take them down there again if the weather is still good. And by that I mean not raining. Just haven’t sorted out a time with the lady yet, she just said to tell her when I am ready to leave. So that’s good.

Mood is feeling much better then yesterday, not feeling as dark and low. Still a little low, but that’s ok. I’m really glad I chose to get up and out, I really needed it, it helped and the pups loved it so that made me happy.

Pain has been manageable today, kept up on taking my pain killers. I’ve just been really fatigued, sleeping more then usual. That maybe the low mood, I’m not sure what came first.

Some pictures from today

Peace out

Batman

Tired, low, lonely boy :/

It’s Friday….yay…. :/

I’ve had a headache all day and its not been gone for very long.

Pain has been ok-ish. Just felt uncomfortable really today.

Haven’t been able to keep warm, this evening I am so cold. Earlier today I felt like I was in a cold sweat which is horrible.

Mood has been pretty low today 😦 zero motivation, no appetite, not even the slightest…forced food down me today.

Spent most of the day on the sofa either asleep or feeling agitated and low.

I managed to get up showered and dressed by about 2:30 pm. Good job really seeing as I actually needed to go further then just across the road to take the pups to the vets…my only motivation to do anything.

Pups are both in good health and both at the same weight as last time. Just had their flea treatment. I have some granules to give scrappy as the worming tablet he had last time didn’t agree with him, so she gave me some food to mix the granules into and hopefully he’ll eat it all and keep it all down *fingers*crossed* But she said to give it to him at the weekend because of having the flea treatment today.

Dropped the pups home and I went back out to the chemist to pick up my medication. I don’t like to leave the pups outside shops, so I always take them home first. Round here lately a lot of dogs have been stolen, even right in front of the owners 😦 so I’d never risk it. But anyway yeah I think they forgot the one medication I am owing from when I put my prescription Monday…but I don’t need that yet, so I’ll sort it out in the week.

Got in….eventually got round to sorting my dinner out even though I had a nice beef joint in the slow cooker. Did some roast potatoes and veg. Sat down to eat and I really didn’t want it 😦 ate a bit, but gave most to the pups so least it didn’t go to waste. I’m sat here and I am hungry. But I don’t want to eat. I don’t feel hungry, but my stomach feels hungry if that makes any sense at all lol :/ meh. I was doing well with eating better. But last few days I’ve just not been interested. Maybe it’s linked to the low mood.

So sat here thinking about my low mood. Freaking out a bit because of my plan to come off medication…I HAVE to cope with this well or it will go tits up. I think though I’ve had a lot to deal with physically, so that really hasn’t helped. And its ok for my mood to change. Think maybe sometimes I am hyper aware of my mood change, because I want them to stay within the normal range and not go too low or too high. But its ok to feel low I know that. I need to relax, just go with it and try and do things that make me happy rather then laying on the sofa all day because that will feed the depression.

I have no plan as of yet tomorrow, but I have a few ideas. I’ve not got anything out for dinner as I don’t want to cook something that I am just going to waste. I do really need to clean up a bit tomorrow, so I’ll do that in the morning. Then I have a few ideas for the day, if its not too cold or horrible out, I may take the dogs on the bus and down to the beach for a nice run and maybe take them up to the cafe to warm up after. The other idea is to go see a film, I still have my free ticket to see a 3D film, I really want to see Big Hero 6….well looks like that is the only 3D film out and the only one I actually want to see lol. So all depends on the weather and how my joints are feeling. But I will really try hard to have some sort of structure to my day.

Everyone says I am so strong to deal with all I do. I know I am. But its times like this I feel so alone. I spend a lot of time just me and the pups, but I don’t mind that. But when I feel this low I notice the absence of my friends in my life more. I understand everyone is busy and has their own life, but no one has initiated contact with me this past week and a bit and that hurts…I will own how I feel and say I feel that sometimes I am always the one to contact my friends make arrangements or whatever…or I feel that sometimes I am there only when I am needed :/ I dunno, feeling a bit let down I suppose, but feeling low is making it worse. Look whatever. I am the only one that can get myself through this dip. So I gotta try and be good to myself.

I better do my injection very soon and get myself to bed :/ I’ll try and make tomorrow a better day

Peace out

Batman

Dark passenger surfaces!

I have spent a considerable amount of time just staring blankly into the screen in hope I will be inspired..In hope my brain will make some sort of sense of today. Also been busy listening to Sia, totally obsessed with Chandelier and Breathe me. Finding it hard to concentrate tonight, keep flitting about the flat but not actually doing anything in particular..It’s just one of those days…

Yesterday my dark passenger decided it had been a while, so it came to say not to forget it was still about. Grrr, just as I think I am over the worst of my addiction. It pops its head up just to make sure I never fucking forget! BASTARD can just do one now. It was not too intense and pretty short lived. But I did however find myself trying to justify reasons to cut…and I ended up arguing with myself about it. On one had one side was saying, well one small cut just along your thumb won’t notice, it won’t matter…That argument got me really thinking…well would it matter if it was just one small cut?? No one had to know…Ok its triggering just writing this, but I need too. So yeah one small cut along my thumb, could pass it off as a cooking accident or whatever..I knew deep down it would still be real and yes it would bloody matter! and I’d be back to square one. I couldn’t do it then carry on saying I was so many months free because I would have totally cheated myself. I tried very hard to ignore the part of me that was trying to rationalise it and making it ok. But deep in my soul I knew I didn’t want to cheat myself, I do not want to go back to square one. I do not want to fail myself. I’ve come WAY too far. Dark passenger I know you are there. I will never become to that thinking again. I know you will forever be my addiction. I know I will never truly be free from you. I fucking hate that you will never be gone. But you know what you will never fucking beat me and you will never have control of my life like you did 8 years ago! You were nasty and you were strong. But the tables have turned my old friend. I am strong now! Never forget your place. I am the master of you. I am on control. Yes you will always be with me. But you will never be me. Not again. Know your place dark passenger! Maybe in the future we can part ways forever. But for now it is what it is……

So yeah that was last night and then I decided to go to bed. I think I was in bed just gone 11 pm…Now the only trouble of going to bed that early is that I have been falling asleep pretty quickly and sleeping on average about 8 hours, which apparently is what happens for normal people….wow. Yeah…I woke up at 7:30 am! I didn’t need to be up, nor really did I want to be up that early. Because it means more hours of the day that I have to deal with. GAH! However I’d woken up with a really bad headache, not sure if it would turn into a migraine or not. So I dosed up on my sumatriptan and did the very sensible thing of eating two bowls….small bowls may I add though. Of Chocolate lucky charms, I just cannot get enough of them! They are just so yummy. I then snuggled up on the sofa with the pups and Marley moo cat came and sat on my back lol and we had a lil nap till just before 10 am.

I would like to say I bounced up feeling better and ready to face the day ahead…yeah truth being, my head was still hurting a bit. So I took more pain killers, I had another bowl of chocolate lucky charms…well helps me get through lol πŸ˜€ It does honestly. Sat about a bit more…looked at the time and thought I’d better throw myself into the shower and get myself looking half decent, it takes a while. I was taking my time in the shower….I think last night was still playing on my mind. Have to be on alert again. That takes a lot of energy I don’t have….But still must press on and try and get through each day.

I had scrappy following me about most of the morning with his favourite ball in his mouth lol. Sorry boy no time for games today :/ But I took them across the road for a wee and a run. Scrappy kept picking up stones and throwing them about. Foxy wasn’t happy about being dragged out, so I had to keep encouraging her to keep going and chase scrappy etc. We got in and I had a little time to kill, so I sorted my bag out and played fetch with scrappy for a bit.

Headphones in, music on, bag on back, cap on, hood up, keys, wallet! Boom ready. Off I go to group. I love sitting on the bus just getting lost in my music.

Group was good. Hard going in some parts but I stuck with it. Some weeks do feel frustrated as I don’t feel I get as much out of it as I want too, sometimes I want to walk out because I get bored when I have to listen for a long time. But people listen to be blab on lol so that would be rude to leave. Just have to learn to sit with things. I try and be present too and not zone out but that’s also hard. Sitting still and being quiet is hard…I just feel itchy like I need to move. I’m getting better because I had to be still at lot at group for DBT. But its still an uncomfortable feeling for me. When I write my blog it takes me a long time and its not always written in one go. Most of the time I am up and down, fiddling about with various things…yeah being still isn’t one of my strengths, either is being quiet for long periods. I can almost feel is all bubbling up inside like I’m going to explode lol! Some weeks I can deal with it better then others. I think this week has been such a mixed bag and I’ve not really expressed myself well in my blogs lately. It’s just been day to day what I’m doing. I need to get more involved in writing the emotional side of my life. But sometimes that’s hard when I’ve had a bad pain day because I am just exhausted in so many ways..anyway I digress. Right yes group was good. Got a lot out of it. πŸ™‚

Home and scrappy hasn’t destroyed anything! Yay nor has he peed or pooped anywhere. Woohoo! Slowly getting there.

I got them ready and took them straight out for a run. Scrappy needed to burn off energy and they both needed to pee and poop. It was bloody freezing! But I tried to say out for about 15 mins. But coming home to a warm flat makes it better.

Got my dinner sorted as time was getting on and I was hungry. Dinner was good, ate it all and pups and the cat had Β some chicken too πŸ™‚

So this evening how has it been spent…well it started off with being wrapped up as it was cold tonight. I currently sit here in my pj top, socks and boxers lol! I got hot…what can I say, I am starting to get cold now.

Wow its 1:20 am! How the hell did that happen…I started writing nearly 2 hours ago. Well they say that good work takes time πŸ˜‰

Ooooh I nearly bloody forgot something important that has had my lil cogs ticking and I’ve spent time looking things up. So I was talking to M who runs group, I think I was talking about finding reading things overwhelming like official things, paper work etc. And the topic of dyslexia came up…may I just say that’s a stupid fucking word for people who can’t spell etc. She noticed that when I fill in forms I can’t write in a straight line. I’ve NEVER been able too. I always put that down to being left handed. I got LOTS of negative things from teachers at school about my hand writing and its because I’m left handed etc. But M said she does the same, can’t write in a straight line because she’s dyslexic too. So all evening I’ve been thinking about how I read and write, I’ve looked up about it as well and I did a free test online YES I KNOW ITS NOT OFFICIAL! But a lot of the symptoms and what people who are dyslexic do and yeah its makes sense as to why writing my blog takes so long, why my concentration is so poor. I re-word a sentence a few times until I am sure it will make sense to others and not just myself lol and some words even small words takes me a few goes to get the letters in the right order..it all kind of makes sense now. So I am not just getting stupid. I think I’ve got away with it because I’m not stupid…I was able to keep up. Plus I missed lots of school because of my health, so I probably slipped through the cracks. But yeah it makes a lot of sense. Another one to add to my ever growing list of issues! I’m not going to pursue getting an official diagnosis…well I don’t think there would be a real point in it. I don’t really want an official label. It’s just good to make sense of me.

Wow long blog today! I need to get this body to bed soon. Everything is starting to hurt, I need to rest my mind and body πŸ™‚

Peace out

Batman

Recovery day

I’ve not really done much today, so not a lot to write about.

I had a good 8 hours sleep last night, definitely needed that after being in so much pain all day yesterday.

Still felt tired, I think yesterday just totally knocked it out of me. No motivation and no energy. So I snuggled up on the sofa and fell back to sleep for about 2 hours.

After about half an hour of waking up, I decided I needed to get my butt up and sort myself out.

Had a shower, got dressed and I got the dogs ready and took them across the road….Brrrrr it was so bloody cold and very windy. I was going to have a look in town…but yeah decided it was too cold and I needed to keep myself warm.

Just been sat playing with the pups most of the afternoon, watching tv…etc Nothing exciting, cleaned up a little and did dinner.

Currently waiting for my food shopping and I can’t WAIT for my lucky charms πŸ˜€ yummy.

Feeling ok I suppose, just drained in every sense. Spending so much time in pain, is so so draining in so many ways. But I think I needed this day of just nothing to recuperate from yesterday.

I did try and do some writing today. I wrote a letter to my dogs….its alright I think..

Nothing to say tonight. I am looking forward to group tomorrow….

Going to spend some more time with my cheeky animals πŸ™‚

Peace out

Batman

Bad pain day

Last night’s trans group was good πŸ™‚ was nice to be around everyone and we had a good chat, so yeah awesome.

After group on the way home, I felt a bit faint. I felt like I hadn’t eaten all day, even though I had! I think my body is still getting used to the fact that I am not eating nearly as much as its used too. So it’s just having a lil freak out every now and then.

Got home to very happy puppies πŸ™‚ love coming home to them so so much. They are so happy to see me. I snuggled up on the sofa with them having snuggles and I a little bit fell asleep for an hour lol. So I got myself and the pups ready to nip out for a quick walk and wee and it wasn’t actually as cold as I thought it might be. Got back and jumped into bed πŸ™‚ first night on the 150mgs of quetiapine and I slept fine woohoo!

I slept for 8 and a half hours πŸ™‚ Sweet. I woke up put on the idiot box on, had a sandwich and fell back to sleep until 11 am. Yeah its going to be one of those days, I hurt so much all over and I feel really run down… 😦

Today was pay day so I had stuff to do. Although I felt really crappy I set some goals of what I want to achieve, which was pay my rent, get electric, get a hair cut and do my food shopping.

I washed my hair so it was easier for it to cut. Got dressed and headed out.

Nipped into a shop and sorted out my rent and electric. Went into the barbers to see Darren who along with one other person I only like cutting my hair. Got the same style, swept over but had the back cut as short as the sides, rather then having that a bit longer. Ah feel so good! Although my legs are really sore.

Walked to the sweet shop as it’s on the way home and treated myself so some yummy sweets. Had a lil chat with everyone.

Came home to my beautiful babies, I got them ready and we went across the road for a run. We weren’t long though because I really didn’t feel well at all 😦 I feel so bad when I can’t be out with them for very long. I just couldn’t stand for much longer 😦

We came in and scrappy was racing about lol, gave them some treats. I had a nice hot shower and got into my pjs, I hurt too much to get properly dressed, needed something loose fitting and comfortable.

Ah all nice, fresh, comfy and warm. Snuggled up on the sofa, with crappy afternoon tv and my sweets. Pretty perfect, oh and I had my Pepsi and pain killers lol! I soon fell asleep for most of the afternoon.

Think I woke up about 5 pm, I didn’t jump up feeling better and start doing things. I just chilled out, had scrappy jumping all over me, excited that I was awake hehe. Foxy was still snoozing by my feet. Answered some messages I had and notifications etc, there was a few, like I’d been asleep all day lol.

Finally got myself up, sorted out my dinner and did the washing up. I was feeling a little bit better then I had felt earlier on today. I had one goal left to sort out – Food shopping…gah. I did a shopping list and I didn’t need that much. I threw some clothes on and went down to Asda and picked up a few bits, mainly meat. Because its for the slow cooker I need to actually see the size to make sure it will fit. Plus I like to make sure it looks ok as well. Pepsi was on offer Β£7 for 30 cans, so picked that up too. That will last me through the fortnight already got a box of 12 at home.

Put my shopping away and stripped off, I wrapped up warm to go out, thinking I need it…but I really didn’t lol. Did the rest of the food shopping online and treated myself to two boxes of lucky charms πŸ™‚ one original and one chocolate flavour! YUM! Can’t wait. Shopping is being delivered between 9-10pm it was the only slot left for tomorrow, but its only a Β£1 charge so that’s ok.

Just spent this evening catching up on facebook and on Patientslikeme.

I had some girl on Plenty Of Fish dating site talking to me…yeah not the brightest spark… :/ But we are meeting for a coffee Fri morning, although I don’t really want too. Urgh I felt obliged, damn I am wayyyy too kind. I think I maybe ill that morning lol. Just from talking to her, looking through her facebook profile, she’s just not someone I’d even have as a friend. Yes that maybe a snap judgement, but I don’t want to waste time on people that isn’t going to go anywhere as I don’t even think this will lead to friendship. Tricky situation, I don’t know why I am still on this site, I’m not looking for anyone anyway, that just complicates my whole situation. If someone happened to come into my life by chance, I’d be happy with that. I’m not going out of my way to “find” the “one”

Half way through writing I’ve had to put my specs on, heads starting to hurt. I really should wear them EVERY TIME I AM ON THE LAPTOP! I forget all the time, I need to get into the habit.

Wow 11 pm already! Time flies when you are tapping away…and looking at other things and rewriting words because you’ve put the letters in the wrong order lol! I think that’s because I type so fast as I am trying to keep up with my brain.

After this I am going to take some pain killers and chill with the puppies.

The plan for tomorrow is well nothing. Hoping I am feeling well enough to take the pups out for a bit longer so they can have a good run about. Don’t think I’m up for a proper walk, but at least over the road I can sit down and watch them play and its not too far to come back if I don’t feel well.

Peace out

Batman

Busy Monday, thought I was going to chill..Do’h!

Thought I would update now as I am going to the trans group tonight, so I don’t know what time I’ll be in and how tired I’ll be.

I woke up this morning about 8:30 am. I snuggled up on the sofa with a blanket and my hot water bottle. I sat for about 15 mins just relaxing and thinking about having a little nap. Then I had the sudden realisation that I had an appointment today, so I checked my calender and yup! I had a appointment for my p-doc at 11:20 am..DAMN IT! Thought I was going to spend most of the day chilling out lol.

I had some breakfast, got a shower and got dressed, then took the pups across the road for a wee. Came back and watched a bit of TV before I had to leave. I rang the doctors to leave a message with Dr Richardson to say about how the antibiotics he gave me hurt my stomach and that I’ve now got the doxycycline to take instead. She said he may ring me, but he hasn’t yet.

Got the bus up to my appointment. It’s not as cold out today as it has been thankfully. My p-doc was running 10 mins late, I hate sitting in there, no matter how you feel it always makes me feel like I am loosing the will to live lol, such a depressing place. Some poor guy had come a week early for his appointment poor love.

My appointment with my p-doc actually went well, because I already had an idea of what I wanted to talk about and where I wanted to go regards to my medication and the gender identity stuff. We had a good chat about medication, I said since doing DBT I feel more in control of things. I’ve not self harmed in 17 months, the longest I’ve ever gone. I no longer display BPD traits and this isn’t just coming from me. I feel that maybe if I come off medication completely then the skills I learnt in DBT can help me deal with my bipolar and ADHD. He has agreed to this which is really. I said because of all my other medication I am on it would be great if I could stop one. So he wants me to come slowly off the last 200mgs which is a bit frustrating, but I understand why. So this month I will be taking 150mgs, next month down too 100 mgs, month after 50mgs, then completely off quetiapine altogether. YAY. Told him about the weight loss and that I didn’t change my diet etc, so he was really happy about that. Told him about the trans group I go to and Mindout (mental health group for LGBTQ peeps) I told him about looking at doing some courses at the recovery education centre and that I might do some befriending in the future. He’s really happy that I am keeping busy and doing things to keep up my recovery. Talked about the fact I have come to the conclusion that for me physically getting pregnant and having a child is just out of the question as I don’t think I’d ever be physically well enough to do it. I’d have to be off my meds for a year before even getting pregnant and I’m ill a lot ON medication, I’d be so poorly off it. So that was my main reason for not saying that I am transgender, I am sure that I want to be a boy etc. But I think now that has totally changed and I don’t know what the process is now. He said that I’d have to live as a male for a year before being referred to anywhere, which I knew that bit already. I said is there anyone locally that does trans counselling. The guy that runs the trans group does 1:1 work, but I can’t afford it, so my p-doc said he will look into it and see what is about, so that’s really cool. So yeah really pleased with my appointment. I got everything out that I wanted too and I think because I am taking charge of my recovery and I had a plan of what I want to happen, he was willing to engage me. So he’s going to see me in two months time, sooner if I need him. While I am completely off meds he will see me once a month…hopefully because that’s what I asked for, its a reasonable request and a sensible one. So he can check to see if I am doing well without medication.

Pretty much skipped to the bus stop as I was feeling good about it all. I got off at the hospital because I needed to get my bloods done. Waited in there for half hour….urgh more waiting about lol. But chatted to a few nice people in there. Blood test went on, although she was fishing about for a bit, which it hurt a bit but felt more uncomfortable then anything.

Walked back into town and went to the bank, as I had a text this morning, saying I needed to put Β£2.52 or I’ll be charged Β£8 bank charges because I had 2 direct debits that bounced. But the woman said I’ll still be charged, didn’t really understand why but whatever lol. I cancelled one of my direct debits for my phone insurance, but I have insurance with the bank, I just need to update the details so they have the right IME number for my current phone, but I couldn’t do that today as my phone died while I was in there lol. But I’ll sort that out another time. Was waiting about in there for ages as well lol. SO bored of waiting, but that’s all I’ve done today.

Then I went into Asda to get my prescription of my new doses. Waited about in there for 15 mins lol…They had everything but the 50mgs, but that’s ok as I don’t need that right away. Also ordered a load of my other medications.

Finally got home to my beautiful babies, who were so excited to see me πŸ™‚ hehe love it. I sorted out my pill box for the week, so that’s one less thing to worry about later this evening. I had a nice nutella sandwich for lunch πŸ˜€ nice and healthy haha. Took my pain killers and my doxycycline, had my sandwich and chilled out watching Judge Rinder and I’ve now got Jeremy Kyle on πŸ™‚ ah, chilled afternoon. I do feel tired enough for a nap, but I don’t have the time.

It’s 4 pm now, so after writing I am going to take the pups across the road for a run, then I can chill for a bit more. Have myself some dinner before group and I will be leaving about 6 pm to get the bus to group. My first trans group of the year, yay! Looking forward to it πŸ™‚

So yeah feeling pretty damn good, feeling confident with myself and that I am taking control of my life and what I want and don’t want to put into my body.

Peace out

Batman

I can’t think of a title tonight….

I am sat in agony with my stomach tonight, thanks to my doctor who thought he would give me a different antibiotic…although I’ve taken it before without any issue…so yeah in agony and its hard to concentrate, but I need to write, this may take a while lol.

Fri – This was a good day. I went to see my GP in the morning, he gave me antibiotics to take now and a prescription for the antibiotic I usually take as a back up for when I’m sick and can’t get an appointment with him etc. Also got him to refer me to the pain clinic…although he said its no longer at the local hospital, so will see what comes of that and where it is etc.

Made my way home, didn’t have much time before I was going out to see a film, so I took the pups across the road for a good run and wee. Think I had some lunch I can’t remember.

I went to see Into the Woods. It was really good, really enjoyed it. I was the only one in the whole screening πŸ˜€ So cool.

On the bus back my friend D got on, as he was coming to stay the night and we were going out. On the way through, I had to nip back to my doctors to pick up a proper sharps box. It’s huge..but least its the right one lol.

Got back to mine, I did myself dinner, D did his. Chilled and chatted for a bit. I got showered and dressed, did my injection and took pain killers and then we were ready to rock and roll!

It was a good night, drank my Pepsi lol, had a bit of a dance, chatted to some peeps. Yeah it was good. In one of the bars I went into the men’s toilets with him and went for a pee πŸ™‚ Although it doesn’t really count as in the gay bars everyone just goes in whatever toilet they stumble into first its not such a big deal. But yeah proud I did it. Felt weird but good πŸ™‚

We got in about 3 am…Just chilled out for a bit, needed to unwind before going straight to bed. Took the pups out for a wee. Think we were in bed by nearly 5 am lol.

That brings me to Saturday…For some reason I was only asleep for a few hours. But I got up and fell back to sleep on the sofa until D woke up which was about 11:30 am, he left soon after as he had a meeting to get too. I was meant to be meeting a girl at 12:30 pm outside asda, she was buying some bits that I was selling online…I was 15mins late…eep as I fell asleep lol. But it all worked out ok because she ended up going into Asda for a look around..Phew lol! Got back and put some more clothes on as it was soo cold, I took the pups across the road for a run. Then went back to Asda to pick up a prescription, but the chemist didn’t have it, so had to go to the chemist in town and I accidently ended up in the sweet shop πŸ™‚

I snuggled up on the sofa with my babies, watched a bit of tv. But I ended up falling asleep till about 7 pm…eep quite late but I just couldn’t stay awake.

Just had some cheese and nibbley bits for dinner, wasn’t really hungry, just tired. I kept nodding on and off, but finally got myself into bed just after midnight.

I woke up a whole 2 minutes before my alarm this morning…damn it! I could have done with those two mins haha. Not had time for a nap today.

Chilled out for an hour, just waking up as ya do. Then I got on it like sonic! I got dinner sorted and in the slow cooker, I made some little cakes and I cleaned up the kitchen. Then I blitzed the rest of the flat and did some laundry…BOOM! Flat may as well be sparkling πŸ˜‰

Got myself a nice shower and got dressed…got properly dressed today and not just in joggy bottoms and pj top lol. I had my cuff jeans on and a t-shirt. I wrapped up to take the pups out for a wee, but it wasn’t actually that cold out there, so I was a bit hot.

Dropped the pups back, went to asda and got a few bits. Came back and dosed up on my pain killers and finally got around to taking my antibiotics. Just chilled out watching tv.

After about an hour I started feeling sick and my stomach was really hurting so bad and I had a horrible taste in my mouth. It could only be the antibiotic…sat for about half hour feeling so awful. So went down to the chemist before it closed and got the back up antibiotic he gave me as its a different one. Came back and waited for my mothership to turn up.

She had come over for dinner. I’d invited her over because she’s living back with her mum and nan can cook, but the portions are really small..bless her they don’t eat much. It was actually nice to have her over. We chatted for a bit and she played about on her tab, showing me some pictures of her new bf and his kids etc.

We had a nice roast dinner if I say so myself lol πŸ™‚ yummy. And mum liked it and ate it all.

After dinner, we just chilled out, chatted and played on our tabs.Β I wanted to see how she would react to talking about transgender people. So I used the example of my friends boy who has just turned 9 years old and is transgender, so explained his situation to her and she said well that’s good its more accepted these days… :O what?? My mother said this..wow progress. So yeah impressed and feeling a little easier about maybe telling her about me…at some point, but when its the right time. But a very positive step forward. So feeling good about this.

Rinsed off all the dinner stuff, so it would be easier to clean in the morning. The mothership left just gone 7 pm.

Ah and relax. Not been a lazy Sunday, like it should be hehe. But its been good. Stomach pain has settled a bit now, thankfully.

Feeling happy and relaxed, still chesty though. I’ll start the doxycycline tomorrow. I’m watching Judge Rinder, he’s hilarious! So patronizing but so funny.

The only thing I am doing tomorrow is going to the trans group in the evening. So I can relax for most of tomorrow πŸ™‚

Peace out

Batman

Sleep, Lego and sweets

I didn’t get to bed until 4:30 am, it was just messing about.

This happened while we went for a walk before bed

I swear down scrappy thinks he’s a bloody lion. We were out walking around our usual route and he spotted something, kept growling etc, kept telling him to leave and be quiet as it’s early hours and I couldn’t see what he was making a fuss about. So we walk round a bit further up, look around to see where they both are, foxy was behind me and scrappy had wandered off into the tree’s. Seconds later he comes darting across the green chasing a bloody fox! Wtf lol. He actually chased away a fully grown fox. My boy is insane.

Woke up 4 hours later! Yeah thanks body lol. Snuggled up on the sofa with the pups, with a can of Pepsi and some lucky charms for breakfast πŸ™‚ yum.

Fell asleep on the sofa until about 12:30 pm, so least I caught up. Just chilled for a bit, then had a BURST of energy so jumped in the shower and got myself dressed into my comfy batman joggy bottoms again lol. Got the pups ready and we went across the road and had a run about for half hour πŸ™‚ well they ran I walked. It was really lovely out today, wish I felt well enough to take them for a proper walk.

Foxy won dog of the day on a facebook group called I love my Yorkie, I mean she should because she is utterly gorgeous πŸ™‚ Made my day! Felt so proud when I saw it.

I got all settled on the sofa, Pepsi, sweets, crap tv and my Lego set πŸ˜€ Yeah my afternoon sorted. Took me nearly 2 hours to put together, which compared to my last set was a piece of cake! Love putting it together so much. Keeps me so focused, not many things I can solidly focus on without a break. I love writing, but sometimes I can take hours to write my blog. Because I get up and down, get lost in my head, watch tv, eat, play with the dogs lol. It takes a lot for me to concentrate, that’s why I love my lego so much because with that I can be truly mindful and totally in the moment. Which feels great and I have something to show for it as well. So yeah πŸ™‚

After that I sorted out the big pile of washing up that was stacked up waiting to be done lol. Gah I hate cleaning up so much lol, but it was done and I got my dinner on. I had a nice steak, roast veg, roast potatoes and onion gravy YUM!

Just been relaxing this evening. I am feeling a little better but I’m still really chesty. I have an appointment to see my GP in the morning, then I am going to see Into the Woods in the afternoon and then just chilling out in the evening.

I’m not feeling as down today, but I have made sure I’ve properly looked after myself today. Just gotta roll with it.

My beautiful babies this afternoon getting ready to go across the road for a run πŸ™‚

Peace out

Batman

Midweek madness….or not so much lol

Midweek madness…well not so much madness lol. Suffering from really bad brain fog right now. GAH so annoying because I love writing so much. But I am trying to think about what happened today, from start till now and I can’t really remember…Stupid head lol.

First of all I want to say a Happy 3rd Birthday to my foxy pup πŸ™‚ bless her. She really enjoyed her special doggy birthday cakes as did scrappy lol.

I think I woke up about 8:30 am, why so early again I’m not sure. Gave the pups a cake each….yeah they were gone in 2 seconds flat lol.

Just relaxed and watched tv. Urgh not feeling great this morning. I think I had a nap for about an hour, which I needed. This chest infection is kicking my ass.

Got my new Lego Batman set delivered! YAY! Not doing it today though. Not long after my food shopping came. I ordered a fair bit, but no things that I didn’t need. That’s the one good thing about doing it online, you don’t get crap you don’t need because its on offer etc. So yeah sorted all that out.

I decided I wanted to go see The Woman in Black – Angel of Death. So I booked myself a ticket online, then had a shower and got dressed, all into my Batman jogging bottoms, top, boxers, hoodie and baseball cap πŸ™‚ hehe. I looked like a right chav! But I just don’t give a fuck, its comfortable and I feel like crap, so I couldn’t be bothered to make the effort. Anyway whatever, I took the pups across the road for a wee and a run.

Brought them home. I had some time to kill before leaving to go to the cinema, but it wasn’t really enough time to do anything, so felt a bit restless….at a loose end. But yeah whatever.

Time soon past and I left to get the bus. Got there with about 5 mins to spare and got a drink a popcorn πŸ™‚ It’s got to be done when you see a film lol. OMG I jumped at the advert for Insidious 3!!! I CANNOT WAIT to see this film. It looks amazing, seriously cannot WAIT. Well the Woman in Black – Angel of Death had me hooked and on the edge of my seat, it was so good, I even jumped a few times lol. Love it.

Got home to two very happy puppies πŸ™‚ so I played with them for a bit, had snuggles and that. I’m glad I had dinner already sorted, just had to heat it up. But my appetite just isn’t here today, I gave most of it to the pups.

Text my mum to invite her over for dinner on Sunday. Thought it would be a nice thing to do. So I went to the shop to get a small chicken, but they didn’t have any left. But I ended up getting some other bits and bobs.

Came back and I made these meringues. I saw it on fb…just icing sugar and an egg white, make it into a dough type substance, make little balls, put on a plate or grease proof paper and 2 mins in the microwave….wow they are nice. Not chewy like proper made ones, but really nice all the same. Fun times.

I didn’t sit down till 9 pm and I don’t think I got onto the laptop till gone 10 pm.

It’s now 2:20 am…I’m freezing, although my heating is right up. I ache all over. My glands are up…gah. I feel so rough. No group this week, M is poorly bless her. I’m kinda glad though.

My plan for tomorrow is to SLEEP, relax, eat, I do need to do the washing up at some point. But I am going to do my new Lego set πŸ™‚ yay, can’t wait.

Mood I think is shit because of not physically feeling well, but I can’t be certain that’s the reason. It’s hard to tell what’s the cause, because I have to be mindful of the fact that I am on a very low dose of quetiapine. So it could be that…so many factors.

After this I am taking the pups out, dosing up on my pain meds and regular meds and I will hopefully be out for 8 hours…hopefully more!

Peace out

Batman

Continuing my gender identity journey

Oooh so I haven’t written about this for a while.

So after looking after a toddler for a week…I think I have decided that I don’t want a child. Thinking about it properly and yeah being a bit selfish about it. I don’t think I’d cope emotionally or physically. Maybe…Maybe if I was in a stable relationship..but even then I think I would struggle. Kids change your entire life, change it right around. By the end of the week of looking after a 16 month old, I was feeling really emotional, exhausted and I felt ill. I feel like this anyway without a child in tow, but it was exaggerated. I was glad to give that boy back. I just don’t think its an option for me. Also the age thing, I’m nearly 30 and still single. If I find the person I want to marry say in 6 months, I’d want to be with them for at least 2 years before marriage, then the tricky business of children..that’s if she wants one too…I’ll be about 35 by then and I don’t want to be an older mother because of my physical illness and it will/could get worse as I get older. It’s going to kill me! Fact. Also if I physically gave birth to a child and then decided to transition along with all my other illness’s well that just aint fair on the kid. That kid could have my health issues etc.

I’ve done a LOT of thinking about the baby situation. Although my whole being craved for a child ever since I could remember, thinking about everything logically and rationally I don’t think that it could/should be something I do. It would be unfair on the child in many aspects. Especially if I couldn’t care for it, I’d hate that. I always knew there was a possibility that I couldn’t have children because of my physical health, but yeah I think I have come to the certain conclusion that yeah its not a responsible thing for me to do. Personally I think people are in love with the idea of having a baby, but aren’t prepared for the reality of it. They just jump in and have loads lol and yeah we need to procreate. But kids will change your entire life! They need you 24/7 and will not appreciate you until they are adults lol. Yeah good luck guys! I always say never say never….but I think I will be hard pushed to change my mind about this.

This brings me not so swiftly lol onto my gender identity journey. My few friends that know are slowly adjusting to calling me he and using the right pronouns and whatever, which is really cool. I know its a massive change, so when they mess up I don’t get upset about it. Sometimes I correct them, depends how I am feeling on the day. But yeah I’m pretty relaxed about it. An old guy the other day referred to me a he, which was a funny situation…he just started chatting to me about random stuff. Then he said to me friend “oh do you believe him” My friend said yes and we all laughed lol. It was random, but it felt good.

I’ve been thinking more being HE and yeah it just seems to fit.

Been dressing a bit differently lately, as well as my usual style. Just been mixing it up a bit. And when wearing the new style I’ve been gendered more as a guy which has been really good.

Today I went to the cinema on my own. Which I love doing, I saw Woman In Black 2 – Angel of Death. Ah I loved it! So good, I jumped a few times. After the film I had to go pee….Now this threw up a load of complications….Why everywhere can’t just have unisex toilets I don’t know. But yeah it was a bit of a mind field and not something I’d really thought about before. But today despite having these stupid womanly monthlys…I feel really male and I was in my batman jogging bottoms, batman hoodie and baseball cap, so yeah I looked like a teenage boy. I was thinking of going into the men’s for a pee, but it was early evening and it was starting to get busy so I chickened out and went into the woman’s and that in itself I hated because I got stared at for being in there because the woman probably think I’m a boy…even though I’m not binding yet. When I’m all in black my chest looks smaller. So yeah I felt uncomfortable at being in the woman’s toilets and felt uncomfortable at the thought of going into the men’s…Ahhh so where do I pee…I don’t fit into the stereotype MALE FEMALE toilets. GAH! So that was a real head fuck today. I’m going to see another film on Fri earlier in the day, so hopefully it won’t be so busy and if I need to pee and I feel brave, I might go into the men’s toilets…That is my goal for this week. So scary but a big step.

So yeah that’s me gender journey as it stands at the moment πŸ™‚

Peace out

Batman