Super Lazy Saturday :)

I had a pretty late night, I didn’t get to sleep till gone 4 am πŸ™‚ but luckily today I had nothing planned.

Only had 6 hours sleep but I got up and just chilled out on the sofa, watching tv and eating breakfast. My bro rang and asked if I could watch Leo for a bit so I said yes as I’ve never watched him before πŸ™‚

I had lil Leo for an hour from about 11:30 am I think, while mummy went and got her hair cut. He’s only 5 months so he doesn’t do much lol, apart from watching the pups and smiling and he was getting cross because he scrappy kept moving away from him lol. Then he fell asleep in my arms and I nodded off too, but we were all snuggled safely on the sofa. His mummy came and got him πŸ™‚

After lil man had gone I was feeling pretty sleepy, so I snuggled up with my babies for a nap and slept till about 5 pm lol!

Got myself up, showered and dressed. Then took my gorgeous babies across the road for a walk.

Had myself dinner and watched Annabelle πŸ™‚ Such a great film, so jumpy.

Just been chilling this evening, going for my birthday meal with my family tomorrow, so looking forward to that.. I’m a bit nervous, but hopefully it will go ok.

Going to get an earlier night, I need to tidy up the flat tomorrow morning as I am having people over Monday and don’t really want to clean on my birthday! Plus I’m a bit achy tonight and my heads starting to hurt. Other then that I am doing fine. So glad I had such a nice chilled day πŸ™‚

Aw myself and lil baby Leo πŸ™‚

Peace out

Batman

48 hours of my 20’s! :O

Happy Friday πŸ™‚ well its officially Saturday now only 48 hours of being in my 20’s! EEEEEEEK!
I’ve had a good day and I am feeling pretty good, oh well apart from the physical pain. My hips have been playing me up today and the little finger is still pretty sore.

I slept well last night, slept for 7 hours. I woke up because my head was hurting and I needed my pain killers.
Did my usual, had something to eat and took my pain killers. Watched tv for a little while, but my head was so sore I took my migraine meds and snuggled on the sofa with the pups for a bit. I only woke up because the post man buzzed up as he had a package for me. It was from a friend bless her, she’s incredibly kind.
My head felt a little better after the little nap. And I felt fairly energetic…ah the relief I get from my pain killers maybe short and sweet but very welcome. Got myself showered and dressed, although I did end up just standing under the shower for about 10 mins starting into space, totally just zoned out. So I came out a bit wrinkly lol. But least I was a clean boy πŸ™‚
The sun was shining again today YAY! This makes me a happy boy. I took my gorgeous pups out across the road for a nice run around and fresh air. If it wasn’t windy it would be lovely and warm. Spent a good half hour enjoying the sun and enjoying watching the pups playing around. My friend text me to say she was ready to leave her place and meet me in town. Dropped my babies home and headed back out.
I met H in town and yeah it was really to see her. We looked around the shops, had lunch at Burger King and yeah just hung out. We came back to mine for a bit, chatted and stuff. She used correct pronouns pretty much all day, she had a few slip ups but that’s to be expected. She gave me my birthday presents early πŸ˜€ She got me a new batman baseball cap and a voucher for the online lego shop >.< yay! So chuffed.
I was going to group this evening, so H and I took the pups across the road for another nice run in the sun for a little. Got back and I did myself some dinner, chilled for a bit. Then I got myself and the pups ready for them to go into the hallway, which is going well and less stressful now, as I’ve been giving them treats in the hallway before I leave, so now they know if they go in there when asked they will get a treat πŸ™‚ so that’s a big improvement.
H and I left mine, she headed off to get dinner and I went to my group.
Group was good, it was the last one in Poole as we just haven’t had the numbers which sucks. It was the first group I ever attended. But I am so grateful for the other group. We just chatted and played charades which was fun. We finished dead on 8 pm.
Walked through town and went to asda as needed stuff for dinner in the week. Got home to very happy puppies, jumping all over the place lol. I ignored them for a bit so they would calm down and I didn’t get them even more excitable lol. Put the shopping away, had a pee, got myself a cold Pepsi and settled down with the tv, sweets and puppy snuggles πŸ™‚ ah perfect.

I didn’t get on the laptop until 10 pm and its now nearly 3 am and I am still trying to write and whatever lol.

My concentration has been shit, keep getting distracted. But breaking it up doing other things. So hopefully this makes sense. Been chatting to friends on fb and one on skype for the first time and that was pretty damn cool πŸ™‚

Feeling pretty damn good, joint pain has been pretty sucky but hey! Whatever

Β Yeah man rocking my new cap πŸ˜€

Peace out

Batman

Early Birthday surprise :)

Ah I didn’t update on Wednesday….Um I think that was because I felt ill, ah what a surprise!

Oh and Tues evening at my friends was a good night, lovely to see them both πŸ™‚

I didn’t really do much yesterday as I was clucking (withdrawing) from my tramadol as I’d run out and my prescription wasn’t ready for the evening, so I felt so unwell. My pain was awful, my jaw was tense, I felt sick and anxious. Gah! So I slept most of yesterday. In fact I didn’t get my ass up off the sofa until 3 pm…*tut* Lazy boy lol.

But when I did sort myself out, I cleaned the flat up which was a bit painful with this stupid finger. Occasionally I’d knock it or pull it the wrong way. Freaking hurt! I had a shower, got dressed and took my rubbish out. I then took my babies across the road for a lil run and the weather had cleared up, the sun was out and the rain had finally stopped.

I then caught up with my old counsellor for just over an hour. I’d not seen her for a while so I thought it would be nice to catch up say hello. So yeah that was great and I came out to her and yeah she was happy for me, so that felt good. And she’s proud of how far I’ve come in the 8 years she’s known me and she’s worked with me for about 5-6 years. She’s so lovely. It was really great to catch up.

Got in to my happy babies πŸ™‚ and I had some dinner, watched a bit of tv. Popped into asda to pick up my medications and I treated myself to some chocolate buttons…yum.

When I got home, I really didn’t feel so good. I was really hot but my temperature was low. 35 degrees…I felt like I had a temperature of about 39 degrees. So that was a bit odd. I just didn’t feel good. So I took my pain killers and got my stuff ready for bed, then took my babies for a wee and run. Got home and went straight to bed. I did chat to friends for a little, but I ended up feeling asleep by about just after 11 pm. I was so exhausted.

I did manage to sleep well last night despite still feeling in pain. I think sometimes just pure exhaustion takes over.

Think I was up early this morning, around 7:30 am…gah! I think I had something to eat and had a nap.

Still didn’t feel too great and along with zero motivation all I wanted to do was stay in a snuggle on the sofa and just generally hide away from everyone. It’s less emotionally draining.

My body however had other ideas, I felt extremely restless and the dogs haven’t been out properly for a while, so was feeling a bit guilty about that. The weather was crap though…rain, rain, rain..and grey and miserable. Urgh. So I decided to stop hiding away and go out to the group social with the pups.

Got myself showered and dressed, got my bag ready with stuff for myself and the pups and headed out in the horrible rain. But on the bus there the weather picked right up, the sun came out and the rain went away πŸ™‚ yay! Just as we got to the cafe and we had already got nice and soggy lol!

The pups were so happy to meet everyone and they were pleased to meet them too, the had lots of fuss and attention πŸ™‚

I went up and got myself a drink and when I had come back, I heard this happy birthday music and one of the people that worked there was walking towards our table with a cake and the number 30 candles…everyone stopped and looked and sang happy birthday. Omg I was so embarrassed, but SO happy πŸ™‚ hehe and so surprised. I didn’t expect anything like that it was great and the cake was yummy. I got a card too. Totally made my day and so glad I ventured out to group. Ah was so great. I really enjoyed chatting with everyone and the pups had fun having a cheeky bit of cake and snuggles with everyone.

After group because the weather was so nice, I decided to walk down to the beach so the pups could have a nice run about. One of the members joined me, so that was really nice. It was gorgeous down there and I got some great pictures. My joints were starting to ache despite taking pain meds before I’d left the cafe, so headed back up and got the bus home.

We got in and scrappy still wanted to play, I sat on the floor with him to play for a bit. Caught up on my fb games and other online bits. Had some dinner and watched some tv. The pups have been snoozing most of the evening. I think today wore them out lol.

Mentally I am feeling ok, I know I need to get myself a bit more motivated and get my ass up and out a bit more often, I think maybe its a little bit of anxiety I am having, but don’t want that to get worse.

Physically…meh not great. But I have an app with my specialist on the 10th March, so not too far away.

A few pictures from today

Peace out

Batman

Feeling calmer

I was in bed by 1 am last night. Despite the lowered dose of quetiapine I got to sleep quite quickly, but I was doing some mindfulness to relax myself.

Was up early, even though I felt really tired my body wasn’t. I did try and nap before getting ready but I couldn’t. Hate when I feel like that. So I got showered and dressed, took the pups for a run and wee.

Went up to the hospital to my hand appointment…Why why why do receptionists give you directions really quickly!? I find it hard to follow instructions let alone when they are just blurted out at me, then I end up looking stupid cuz I’ve asked her twice to repeat what she said and still get confused and end up just standing looking lost! Lol stupid people! But the app was ok though, got a splint to stop that finger hyper extending again and I’ve got some exercises to do to get it moving again. Got an app in 2 and a half weeks. After that I went and had my bloods done and that was all fine, it was a nurse that’s seen me before so we had a good lil chat πŸ™‚

On my way home I paid my rent and got electric and treated myself to some chocolate πŸ™‚

Got home to very happy puppies πŸ™‚ I snuggled on the sofa with them, had something to eat and fell asleep for a bit as I was so shattered.

Got up, nipped out to the shop as I needed to get my friend bday present and a few other bits. When I got in I put the shopping away and sorted myself out to take the pups to their vets app.

Pups have been to the vets for a check up and flea treatmentΒ both are happy and healthy. Scrappy has put on more weight and I’d 5.6kg, foxy has lost a little weight, but hers is always up and down. So pleased they are doing so well πŸ™‚

Just relaxing right now, off out very soon to see my best friend and her bf for his birthday. Not seen them in AGES! So can’t wait.

Mentally I am feeling a little better today, bit calmer and that. Mindfulness is SO great. Physically yeah ok, same really.

Some pictures πŸ™‚

 ❀

Peace out

Batman

Grumpy c**t *sorry*

It’s my trans group again tonight, which is why I am updating early. I may write again later, will see how I feel.

So yeah yesterday….my mood was incredibly low and I wasn’t particularly articulate, because of the low mood. And yeah my attitude to people who were being nice was horrible, but I don’t need people trying to fix it or be nice or whatever, I just need to be left to it.

I was in bed and asleep be 9:30 pm because I couldn’t cry any more and I just couldn’t deal any more.

Been up since 8:30 am, but haven’t napped. I had a good 11 hours sleep last night, but I think I definitely needed it.

Haven’t done anything today, apart from sit on my ass, get a shower, get dressed and take the rubbish out. I’ll take the pups out soon. Spent a while clearing stuff off my phone, as the memory was totally full.

I have an appointment in the morning to see the hand specialist and get my metal splint fitted. I’m going to ask questions about all my other issues I have with that hand and wrist and maybe they can help. Because I have a trapped nerve and I am prone to tendonitis as well.

I have also spoken to my GPA specialist, well his secretary and we had a lil chat. I told her about everything I’ve been going through recently. And she said she’ll pass the message on and see what he thinks. She shortly rang me back to say that I have an appointment at the end of March, but she said if she can get one that’s a bit sooner.

Oh man typing with a fractured finger is so painful! But I NEED to get everything out.

So the mood thing…birthday thing. GAH! My mood is a little better today, feeling less depressed but still a bit grumpy. I’m going down on my quetiapine today, from 150mgs to 100mgs. So this maybe have a small effect on my mood but its not the cause.

The birthday thing…I am pushing people away on purpose and I am big enough to admit that. It’s not something I am proud of but its my way of protecting myself. In the past my birthday’s haven’t been great. My last adult birthday when my dad threw me a party only a few people bothered coming, this devastated me. Since then I’ve not really been a fan on birthdays and since then its been down to me to sort it out. With everything I go through just for once I really want someone to take control and I don’t know make a fuss. I see other people going out and having a great time for their birthdays, yes past birthdays have been good, but I feel that if I hadn’t sorted something out, no one else would have. I just feel incredibly let down by everyone around me and YES I more then understand that people are busy have their own shit going on, but it doesn’t take 2 seconds to text and check I’m ok, seriously one single text would make all the difference to my mood. I know people care, but because I don’t feel like people haven’t shown it to me, through lack of contact or whatever. I feel alone, totally alone and isolated. I feel like not one single soul in the entire world gives a shit. When I am ok physically and mentally I bend over backwards to help all my friends, make sure they are ok, even if its just a text. There are certain people I think of every day and text on a regular basis just to check in and hoping they are ok. My expectations of my friends maybe are too high…..maybe I just need to try and be happy with what I have..

I am tired, emotionally, physically, spiritually. Every ounce of my being is fed up, I feel broken. I want a break, from fighting my mind and body, I want a break from just dealing with day to day adult life. Just even for a day. I need a break. But I can’t get one.

So whoever of my friends is reading this I do apologise for being a grumpy cunt. But I also hope you’ve taken in what I’ve actually said. It comes straight from the soul as does all my blogs..

Another birthday celebrated without my best friend…my daddy. Man I miss him so freaking much. I miss being able to call him up and bitch and moan about everything. I know he’d make the effort to come see me even though he lived far away. I knew my dad truly loved me. I miss him making me laugh to cheer me up. He’d do anything for me and he knew I was there just the same for him. I hope he is proud of me πŸ˜₯ I miss him every second of every day. Sometimes I wish I was with him. But I know I have to live life for the both of us. He may have been my dad but he was my soul mate, we were so alike. He just understood and got me. No one else in the family I have that same bond with. I miss him so much.

Writing through tears again. But I gotta sort out pups, my pill box and dinner before I go out tonight. As I said I’m sorry for being a pain, but my soul is in pain.

Peace out

Batman

whatever

This weekend blows.

Yesterday I slept most of the day. Went back down to a&e because my stupid hand and wrist was so painful. Waste of time! Just pulled the muscles. Scrappy chewed the fucking cable AGAIN! In bed by 1 am.

Woke up at 8 am today, ate and fell back to sleep for a bit. Got showered, got dressed, took pups out.

Went out and got a new cable.

Got home. Did nothing. Watched tv. Had dinner.

Feeling shit, isolated etc WHATEVER.

Feeling like no one actually cares. Very close to just cancelling my birthday, I feel like a burden and a REAL inconvenience.

Peace out

Fractured pinkie

Today has been interesting and I think I am rapid cycling right now. I woke up feeling pretty crappy, low and tired. This evening I fractured my little finger and my mood picked right up I mean wtf is that about :/ so yeah…here’s my day.

Even though I was off the laptop by 10:30 pm last night I still didn’t manage to get an early night and I wasn’t in bed until 12:30 am and I watched tv for a bit, so I didn’t settle down to sleep till 1 am.

But I slept ok-ish and woke up at 10 am, so I had a good 9 hours, although I woke up a few times last night because I got too hot. I don’t even have a winter duvet on, I don’t know what’s up with that right now.

Got up, watched tv, had something to eat and snuggled with the pups. Fatigue just took right over me, even though I had stuff to do, I needed to listen to my body and get some more sleep.

Woke up again because I’d got too hot, urgh and I still felt tired. It was midday and I said I’d go up and see my step dad. So got showered and dressed, nipped out with the pups and scrappy met his lil bf Ollie and they had fun chasing each other, so cute. Dropped my lil monkeys home and headed back out to go up the hospital.

Saw my step dad for a few hours, he’s glad to be on the ward because its a bit quieter at night up where he is, so he was able to get a bit more sleep. He’s not doing so good today, he had stomach pain and felt sick. Bless him but at least he’s in the right place, I just hope they can make him well enough to return home. Because I know how crappy it is to stay for long periods in hospital. His son was there today and he’d brought in my step dad’s laptop and some dvds so least he wont’ be bored, so he gave me my tab back. Me and my step bro left at the same time, so my step dad could sleep and I got my step bro to drop me into Bournemouth so I could go to this one shop to get a new ADSL lead, that saved the bus trip there.

Got to the shop and found what I needed BUT I couldn’t remember what both the ends looked like…gah so I picked up two of the same lead but one had a different end, because knowing my luck the one that I didn’t pick up would be the one I needed haha. I didn’t hang about in town for long because I was feeling so tired, so just went and jumped on the bus home.

I got home to another dog toy massacre! Fluff everywhere lol and scrappy had even pulled out the squeaker from the new toy that I’d only got him Tues lol, but he had fun so whatever πŸ™‚ as long as its not my wires I don’t mind. They were so happy to see me, that picked my mood up a little bit, as all day I was just feeling..meh.

Took the pups across the road for a wee and a run.. They were having a good time. But then Miss foxy jumped off the wall and headed home….so I went after her as I didn’t want her getting run over! Jumped down the wall and grabbed her and put her back up and told her to go get scrappy. He was still having fun playing, so didn’t want to take him home just yet. I then put my hand on the wall to push myself back up and I heard a massive crack! and almost instantly my little finger swelled up..Man that really freaking hurt. But carried on walking the pups, trying to ignore the pain, but the swelling and pain was getting worse. Yeah I think I need it checked.

No way was I going straight up to the hospital, I was hungry and my phone needed charging a bit. So I put my phone on charge, gave the pups some treats and fussed the cat, she was meowing at me and following me around the kitchen lol. I did myself fish fingers and microwave chips, so something filling but fairly quick and downed with a can of energy drink. Sat for a moment, finger was still very swollen and very painful. I took some pain killers because I know at the hospital they would only give me crappy paracetamol and that just wouldn’t touch it. Got myself ready and headed up to a&e.

I got there at 6:30 pm and it was busy-ish, but its a Fri night and half term so I was quite ready to be in there half the night. It was really quick to see the triage nurse and I explained what I had done and all my health issues and she said that I definitely needed it checked out properly so she said I needed and x-ray. So had to wait again for half hour for my x-ray. Then another wait to see the doctor another half an hour and YEP! I fractured my little finger right under the joint. She said it’s from where I hyper extended it and bent it too far back. So she strapped up for now because that’s all they can do and have to make an appointment for next week to get a proper metal splint fitted. They gave me some bits to keep strapping my finger up, because its only a bit of tape and that will loose its stickiness in the water. I’m just grateful that I wasn’t in there all night.

Walked home, via Asda to order some more tramadol and metoject. I think that’s all I needed…I’ll soon find out Mon when I do my med box up. I treated myself to some toffee’s because well I deserved it haha.

Ah and home again to may happy puppies πŸ™‚ just chilled out with them having snuggles, watching the tv. Played on my tab.

Eventually I got myself on to my laptop to write, its taken a long time tonight. It’s been difficult to concentrate, difficult to remember what’s been going on and my freaking hand hurts! But the good thing is that its only my little finger that’s been injured and I don’t use that finger or the one next to it to type, glad that hasn’t been a hinder. It’s still sore even though I’ve not actually used to it type, I just think its where my hand is moving.

My mood this evening is good, despite this fracture lol. I think my mood is a reflection of how crazy my life has been, everything has been up and down. I suppose that’s just how normal peoples emotions are, I’m just hyper vigilant as I am very aware that next week I will be on an even lower dose of the quetiapine and I just don’t want it to fuck up as I want so bad to try my best to be medication free. I’m doing ok and coping well I think, just hyper aware of the slightest change in mood. I jump on it and I’m like well why do I feel like this, why has this happened..just analyzing myself. I’m thinking this is good though and something that I learnt to do in DBT. I do wish though I could just take a break from everything and just be ok. Maybe I need to do a bit more mindfulness to recentre myself, get myself refocused and present. Maybe that will help a little with everything. I’ve certainly not missed this unsettled-ness that I felt ALL the time when I had BPD.

The weekend is here…don’t have any solid plans right now. But I have ideas of what I may do. I’ll probably go see my step dad, the flat needs tidying up, pups need a good walk, I need to take the lead back that I didn’t need…just odd bits really. Not going to rush myself though as I feel like that’s all I’ve done this week. I need a bit of calm and slowness.

Jeez this has taken hours lol! Hand is really aching now and my finger is looking a little purple. I really fancy some cheesy rolls though and I don’t have any in and I’m hungry. Mmm Asda is still open, so I may have to go see if they have what I want hehe.

Oh my metoject injections are going well, did that earlier this evening, hurt less tonight but that’s probably because my finger is sore.

Well that’s it for this boy. I gotta find food and get my ass to bed.

Peace out

Batman

Yeah whatever right now…I am done.

OMG I just don’t even know what to say.

I don’t know what time I got to bed last night, but it was late

Slept ok, I only woke up because I got hot, so that was annoying because it was early.

Usual sat on the sofa, watched tv, ate and fell asleep till 10:30 am. I still felt utterly exhausted! and could have done with staying home and just sleeping. But I got myself showered and whatever and got ready for group. Put gammon in coke in the slow cooker before I left. Took dogs out and that. Urgh fucking raining! Looks miserable, like how I feel.

Group was good, although I wasn’t feeling it that much. Just felt depressed. After the check in we did a bit on PTSD…which when you are depressed was pretty heavy going..but it was ok and I like the fact we are actually doing some work or whatever. Had a chat with M after, helped a little…. Next week is a social at flirt cafe, so I’m taking the pups with me πŸ™‚ so everyone gets to meet them and I don’t have to leave them for the afternoon.

Went to the hospital to see my step dad, he’s been moved onto a proper ward now and he’s still on oxygen. He’s got an infection in his lungs, so they got to clear that up before they can treat the fibrosis. He has to have a biopsy too on his lungs, but not until the lung infection has gone. Mothership turned up…that was a bit awkward, we haven’t spoken since my email. She didn’t say anything at all about it…but it’s still early days and not the time or place really. Plus she’s got a lot going on with work, my step dad, finding a new place with her new bf and whatever else so yeah. Lent my step dad my tablet so he can watch netflix and stuff, so he’s not bored. He was pleased with that πŸ™‚

Got home and scrappy had eaten the ADSL cable, so I have NO broadband so yeah freaked out and utterly furious. So atm only on the laptop because I am tethering from my phone or whatever that is. But its working. So tomorrow I gotta go get a new cable. He’s not come near me since because I shouted at him. He knows I’m pissed off.

Plan for tomorrow is to go get my bloods done in the afternoon and visit my step dad and get a new cable and that’s it.

I don’t even know how I am feeling right now, angry, tired, happy, sad. This last month has been fucking crazy! I’ve been physically really ill, I’ve been more certain of my gender, I’ve come out, I’ve had a friend die, Step dad is really sick…I’ve been really isolated.. Things have just been all over the fucking place. This should be a happy time shouldn’t it….Struggling to fucking keep pressing forward. So much to carry on all by myself as well.

Put on FB earlier for my friends to surprise me on my bday. Its on a Mon…so I’ve organised to see my family the day before and I’m having friends over on the Fri…but for my actual bday I am doing nothing..and tbh I organise everything else in my life, would be nice if someone did something, but if not whatever. I don’t even fucking care right now.

Meh

Peace out

Batman

Conflicted. Happy things, but also sad things :(:

Sat here feeling pretty conflicted about how I should feel. I have good things going on in my life and that’s cool, I’m happy about that. But there are other things that a really crappy, so sort of stuck in the middle, not sure how to feel…

Urgh I’m really tired, so this is taking ages to write.

So last I think I was in bed by like 2:30 am, I played on the tab for a bit and was asleep by around 3 am.

Think I was up around just before 9 am. Had some breakfast and watched tv. I felt really tired still so I snuggled up with the pups and slept again till about 12:30 pm I think.

Just relaxed for a bit, still felt a bit tired and unmotivated. But eventually got my butt up, cleaned up the kitchen, cleaned the litter tray and hoovered up and washed my blanket. I have group tomorrow, so I don’t want to have to rush in the morning but it will be nice to come home to a clean flat. I then got myself showered and dressed, just had time to nip across the road with the pups. Dropped them back and headed down to the tattoo shop.

Got to the shop and it was so great to see everyone πŸ™‚Β had a really warm welcome, so that was really nice. A said so what are we doing I’ve forgotten, but because the tattoo is on my leg and I’ve not been shaving I wanted to come out to her first before she looked, so I didn’t have to explain the hairy legs. The shop is pretty small and it was full, so just took her outside and said yeah Dyllan’s a boy and she was like…what?! So I was like yeah I’m a boy and I’m gonna transition, I don’t think she was really surprised about it but yeah she was really happy for me and that was so cool and meant a lot. So yay πŸ™‚Β She had a look at my leg and talked about what we were doing. I had my Joker tattoo coloured in and I had “what doesn’t kill you only makes you stranger” written on the back of my leg. A set up her stuff and cracked on tattooing me and we were talking, catching up and she was asking questions and stuff, I told H the other tattooist and she was like oh that’s really cool. They were just so accepting it was amazing. Oh how I have missed the pain of the tattoo gun, loved it! And DUDE! did the back of my leg HURT! Ha. So good though. It was really good to be there and just be accepted for me. After my tattoo was done, I sat in the shop and chatted with everyone more, told B who does piercing about being trans, she was really nice and asked me questions and stuff, so yeah it was really cool. Felt good πŸ™‚Β Oh and I got given some nice home made jam, yum.

My step dad’s back in hospital again. He’s in the hospital nearest to me, the one I went to the other week. So we’ve been texting and I text him before I left the tattoo shop to see if he was still up for me to go visit him and if he needed anything. He said he was still happy for me to come up and that he didn’t need anything. I popped into a shop on the way up and got myself a drink and cheese roll, I also got my step dad a bar of galaxy chocolate as that’s his favourite.

Got up to the hospital just after half 5 pm. My step dad was laying on the bed hooked up to oxygen, he said he can’t even walk about without taking his oxygen tank with him, bless him. But we chilled out and chatted for a while, which was nice. I think its nice for him to talk to me because he knows that I am dealing with chronic health issues, so he knows I understand what he’s going through. I stayed till just gone 8 pm…although visiting times were up at 7 pm lol. But whatever no one kicked me out. I said to him I’ll text him tomorrow to see if he’s still there and if he is I’ll pop in and see him on my way home from group. And if he is still there Fri I can pop and see him in the afternoon as I need to go up to the hospital and get my bloods done anyway so he said that would be nice. He’s pretty poorly, so I want to see him as much as I can. He maybe taken to a different hospital soon, one that’s further away from me 😦 which really sucks. I love my step dad so much. He’s my dad’s brother and was like a second dad to me, we were really close when I was growing up as well. Just makes me feel so so sad πŸ˜₯ I don’t want him to die too.

I seen yesterday that Kieran’s funeral lands on my bday…so I said to H to not worry about my bday if she really needs to go and wants to go. I’m not going, not because its my birthday. But because its not something I want to deal with right now. I could be losing my step dad…I’m still angry and K for not helping himself. I’ll say goodbye in my own way. I can’t say I’m not a little upset but it is what it is there’s nothing I can do.

Got home at 8:30 pm. The pups were so freaking excited, they make me smile so much. After making a fuss of them, I did myself dinner. I was so freaking hungry, luckily I had a dinner that as quick to do, smoked haddock, peas and chips. Lush.

Just been doing my usual this evening, watching tv, catching up on fb and writing my blog.

Physically I’m am ok although I am a little chesty again…meh. I’m really tired as well and can’t wait for bed. It’s been really hard to concentrate tonight and writing has taken a while longer.

Mentally I’m tired, but feeling free and like a weight has been lifted. But I’m also feeling so sad about my step dad, like really really sad and keep feeling guilty for feeling good. Meh I don’t know, just confused, happy, sad. Whatever :(:

My tattoo

Β Joker got coloured in πŸ™‚

Β Had the gap under Harley Quinn filled

Β This says What doesn’t kill you only makes you stranger! Totally love it and so freaking true lol.

Peace out

Batman

Sugar rush, fun times :)

I think the my days have been mixed up as its been a manic Tuesday πŸ˜‰

Pups and I got the bed about…12:40 am, I just chilled out watched tv, played with scrappy and then played on my tab for a bit. Think I went to sleep at gone 1 am, all snuggled up with foxy under the covers with me and scrappy snuggled right next to me πŸ™‚ just the perfect way to fall asleep.

After only having 6 and a half hours sleep, I pretty much bounced out of bed at 7:30 am…I have NO idea why lol. But spent an hour just relaxing. I text my bro to see if he was free to help me do my food shopping, as I didn’t need much but needed help to take it home. He was free and said I had to get him something lol! Cheeky boy but he is helping me.

I got showered and dressed, did a quick shopping list of what I needed and went down to the shop. Didn’t take me long to do as it wasn’t busy and I knew what I needed. And text my bro when I was ready for him to come get me, but he must have left before because he was already waiting outside for me. I got him a Easter egg to say thank you.

My bro came up to the flat with me for a bit, I put the shopping away and had a cuddle with baby Leo πŸ™‚ just chatted for a bit. Got ready and I took the pups out and walked down to my bro’s car and said goodbye.

Spent about 20 mins out playing with the pups as the sun was shining and I was feeling free.

I emailed the mothership yesterday coming out as trans and she texted today, saying she’s not taken it in yet. Which is totally understandable but she also said that she’ll always be there for me. I just can’t explain how happy, excited and free I feel. I just want to SHOUT! and tell the world. I really hope this is the start of a big positive step forward.

Chilled out for a bit mid-afternoon, feeling good πŸ™‚

My friend W picked me up at 1 pm and took me to an American sweet shop, it wasn’t as big as I expected but I still didn’t know where to look first, or what to get lol! But did end up spending about Β£12 πŸ˜€ mmmm sugar! Then I thought she was just going to drop me home, but we ended up staying out all afternoon. Yay! It was so fun. We went to a cafe, had a drink and sat and chatted for a while. We then went into town and had a look in a few shops, yeah just had a laugh. She dropped me back and it was 6:30 pm :O the day had gone so fast, but it was SO much fun πŸ™‚

I was really hungry when I got in, so threw some fish fingers under the grill and did some microwave chips, BOOM! dinner done lol.

Spent just over an hour talking to a fellow blogger on skype, so that was fun πŸ™‚

Have changed my gender on fb to male πŸ™‚ no one has noticed or said anything to me yet, so that’s good in a way.

Anyway I’ve just been chilling this evening, causing havoc on fb and got myself banned from a slow cooker group lol…all because I called someone grumpy and I was being nice but winding them up. So I created my own group πŸ˜€ haha fb nazis!

But yeah can’t bring my mood down! But I am SO ready to crash out, I’m shattered.

Tomorrows plan is to chill in the morning. I have a tattoo session at 3 pm, so colour in the Joker and hopefully get a saying done. Oh and so going to come out to those guys as they don’t know because I’ve not been about for like ages. But I know they will be totally cool. Oh and then after that I’m going up to the hospital to visit my step dad as he’s really poorly again 😦 so hopefully I can cheer him up.

Right its gone 1 am and I’m SO tried! I’ve not had a nap today! Argh.

Peace out

Batman