Urgh…. I’m feeling a bit lost right now and empty and I’ve not felt like that in a long long time. I’m not even sure why I feel like this.
I’ll start with food, eating, losing weight. I’ve lost 19lbs in total in a very short space of time. It’s mainly because I have no appetite at all, I don’t know what I want to eat and when I do eat I don’t really want it. I have been forcing myself to eat, even if it’s just a little. Just eating the bare minimum to get through a day, I eat a little more if I have to go out and do something that day. If I didn’t have to eat I wouldn’t and it also gets worse when it comes near Friday because I know my metoject injection will make me feel sick, so I don’t eat much because I think that will stop me being sick. Probably not true lol. I totally know this isn’t good and isn’t healthy but I like the weight loss and I have a goal weight which is another 14lbs and that it what my weight is meant to be for my height and what it was pre quetiapine. So that’s the first unhealthy bit.
Also I’ve only been leaving the house if I have too, I go across the road with the pups, I go to my group and I go to the shops that I need to go too and appointments too. I’ve not seen my friends really…but mainly because no one has contacted me to meet up, that’s always down to me, but I’m done chasing my friends to hang out with. So yeah I’ve been pretty lonely and bored and I hate staying in all the time but my motivation is low and I have even lower energy because of not eating properly. It’s a massive vicious circle, the whole situation. I’ve wanted to go out and do stuff but no one really to go with. I just sort of feel trapped inside…it is SO much easier to just stay in and be by myself. I can’t really explain it well…
Just feeling mega lost, questioning my choice of path, questioning everything. Feeling empty too and I’ve not felt like that in a long time. I just don’t know, I can’t even explain it well enough.
Feel like I am just going through the motions in each day, doing the minimum I need to do to get through each day, being the person that the people need to see when I am at my groups. I don’t feel real at the moment and I haven’t done for a while, this all isn’t new feelings etc. Maybe I was trying to ignore it so I could continue to come off the quetiapine. Also the last few days I keep seeing things out of the corner of my eye….for now I am ignoring it.
I need to keep a close eye on all this, I am debating whether too just take the 25mgs of quetiapine for this week just to maybe help get myself back on track, get into a better routine of things…I’m nor sure what to do. Maybe that’s a good idea.
I’m struggling too and I hate to let people know that this is how I feel because the start of a transition is to make everything all better…and at the start if did, now I think the hype of that has gone and the fact that I know I have to prove to the gender clinic that this is really how I feel, this is who I am etc…this is going to be hard work, yet another fight. I feel tired and drained just thinking about it all.
I need to stop stressing, just try and be the real me with everyone, get back into some sort of routine, try and eat better etc…not sure how realistic this all is…but hey. I can try.
URGH maybe writing this has helped me, least it is out there now, maybe I can slowly process this in my lil head…