I don’t even know right now…

Urgh…. I’m feeling a bit lost right now and empty and I’ve not felt like that in a long long time. I’m not even sure why I feel like this.

I’ll start with food, eating, losing weight. I’ve lost 19lbs in total in a very short space of time. It’s mainly because I have no appetite at all, I don’t know what I want to eat and when I do eat I don’t really want it. I have been forcing myself to eat, even if it’s just a little. Just eating the bare minimum to get through a day, I eat a little more if I have to go out and do something that day. If I didn’t have to eat I wouldn’t and it also gets worse when it comes near Friday because I know my metoject injection will make me feel sick, so I don’t eat much because I think that will stop me being sick. Probably not true lol. I totally know this isn’t good and isn’t healthy but I like the weight loss and I have a goal weight which is another 14lbs and that it what my weight is meant to be for my height and what it was pre quetiapine. So that’s the first unhealthy bit.

Also I’ve only been leaving the house if I have too, I go across the road with the pups, I go to my group and I go to the shops that I need to go too and appointments too. I’ve not seen my friends really…but mainly because no one has contacted me to meet up, that’s always down to me, but I’m done chasing my friends to hang out with. So yeah I’ve been pretty lonely and bored and I hate staying in all the time but my motivation is low and I have even lower energy because of not eating properly. It’s a massive vicious circle, the whole situation. I’ve wanted to go out and do stuff but no one really to go with. I just sort of feel trapped inside…it is SO much easier to just stay in and be by myself. I can’t really explain it well…

Just feeling mega lost, questioning my choice of path, questioning everything. Feeling empty too and I’ve not felt like that in a long time. I just don’t know, I can’t even explain it well enough.

Feel like I am just going through the motions in each day, doing the minimum I need to do to get through each day, being the person that the people need to see when I am at my groups. I don’t feel real at the moment and I haven’t done for a while, this all isn’t new feelings etc. Maybe I was trying to ignore it so I could continue to come off the quetiapine. Also the last few days I keep seeing things out of the corner of my eye….for now I am ignoring it.

I need to keep a close eye on all this, I am debating whether too just take the 25mgs of quetiapine for this week just to maybe help get myself back on track, get into a better routine of things…I’m nor sure what to do. Maybe that’s a good idea.

I’m struggling too and I hate to let people know that this is how I feel because the start of a transition is to make everything all better…and at the start if did, now I think the hype of that has gone and the fact that I know I have to prove to the gender clinic that this is really how I feel, this is who I am etc…this is going to be hard work, yet another fight. I feel tired and drained just thinking about it all.

I need to stop stressing, just try and be the real me with everyone, get back into some sort of routine, try and eat better etc…not sure how realistic this all is…but hey. I can try.

URGH maybe writing this has helped me, least it is out there now, maybe I can slowly process this in my lil head…

Peace out

Batman

A lil bit of everything

So I’ve not blogged for a while, mainly because I’ve been busy with my buddy J who was down Fri-Mon and sort of because I’m doing well and haven’t really had much to talk about…or not needed to write about. But I thought I would do a bit of a catch up now, enjoy.

I sit here once again and it’s mid week, it’s crazy how fast time is going.

Feeling much less sick, dizzy and faint today. That is because I have made an effort for actually eat! The last few weeks I’ve lost so much weight without really doing anything and my appetite has just vanished. It’s good because I’m now not far off a healthier weight, I feel better, look better. When I my appetite lessoned I wasn’t eating much because I wasn’t hungry but that didn’t make me feel too good. So now I have been eating little and often and I’ve been trying to eat more healthy things as well, I’ve ditched drinking Pepsi when I’m at home and I’m only going to try and drink lemon squash, I need to consume more water. I’ve been eating fruit and veg and proper dinners. They’ve only been small portions but it’s better then nothing. I think my body just had a hard time adjusting from wanting to eat loads and being fed all the time to not being hungry and not being fed as often. Going to try and keep this up as I know a good diet will definitely be my friend when I stop my bipolar meds altogether. I’ve lost 16lbs so far want to loose another 14lbs that will take me down to pre quetiapine weight.

The first part of my day was spent laying on the sofa with the pups, sleeping, watching tv and just being lazy. I did get my lil butt into gear and cleaned the whole flat, which felt like it would take FOREVER because it was so messy! But it took about the same time as usual so not too bad. Ooh and I have planted my sunflower and some peppers, I want to start growing stuff out of my lil balcony 🙂

I made the pups loads of ice treats with some stock and their treats, that was a bit of a balancing act getting it all in the freezer without spilling it all everywhere lol oh and making space too, it was like tetris! They love playing with ice and licking their ice treats 🙂 lucky pups.

After messing about I got myself ready and rush out to get the bus, just made my appointment with like 1min to spare…phew! I was cutting it fine lol. But I had a great appointment 🙂 I am going to be lazy and just copy and paste what I put on fb, saves writing it all out again.

Facebook status

Ah man binding hurts and I can’t wear it for too long… Hoping it gets easier.

Good doctors app, he’s agreed to let me continue to take doxycycline for the next 50 days, the plan after that is to have a break for a month and if I get a sinus infection after then he’s going to refer me back to my ent specialist for further investigation.

He’s going to chase up the pain clinic for me and it shouldn’t be too much longer till I get a letter to book an appointment with a new bone doc at Poole hospital.

He’s happy with my weight loss and he’s glad I’m doing really well coming off the quetiapine.

He’s been on the Charing cross website and found it extremely helpful. He’s half way through the referral as he said it’s huge! But I should hear from them in the next 8-12 weeks and after my initial appointment with them he’s happy to talk about me getting a full hysterectomy. And he’s just so happy that I’m doing well

So yeah! Here is to the future, I cannot wait for the next steps in all of it.

And binding does hurt, I can’t bind for too long. It makes me back and chest hurt… It can be very dangerous, so I’ve got to be really sensible about it.

Spent some time out with the pups this evening, just sat in the sun on the grass, watching them run about playing 🙂 wish I could stay in those moments forever. So at peace, happy, content, bliss ❤

Been thinking about my dad lately, he’s been on my mind. Maybe because he’s close with me right now, I don’t know. But I miss him so so much! My heart hurts when I think about him not being here, I hate not being able to ring and talk to him or see him. The pain never goes, it just gets easier to deal with. I would do anything to be with him again. But he will forever and always be in my heart and soul ❤ I love you daddy and I miss you so much that words just can’t describe it.

I’ve just been putting some new music on my phone, as I was getting bored with what was on there.

Group tomorrow, so looking forward to it 🙂

Over all this boy is good 🙂 super nervous and excited about tomorrow being my last day on quetiapine…Hopefully I can do this without meds.

Peace out

Batman

Don’t mess with the Batman!

My brain hurts right now. But on the upside its 12 hours till my buddy J is here for a long weekend! YAY super excited.

After I wrote yesterday, I sat and wrote down my feedback for the group and what I want from the group in regards to coming off my bipolar meds.

I didn’t get to sleep till nearly 2 am I think but I did sleep well so that’s cool.

Did the usual morning things I do while getting ready for group and then at 11:30 am I had a text to say it’s not on because M is ill….totally gutted :/ But I arranged to meet L earlier rather then when I was meant to finish group.

Sorted the pups out before I left and gave them their ice treats. It wasn’t as hot out today but they still enjoyed them 🙂 scrappy was eating them as soon as I’d put them out for them both lol.

I met up with L and the boys, we went to Flirt for some lunch which was cool. Bumped into D who were up there having a drink with his friend. After lunch we walked through the gardens and sat on the beach for a bit but the boys and I got a bit hot with no shade, so we went back and sat in the gardens so we could be in the shade. I’ve even caught the sun on the back of my neck, I can feel it. We had a ice cream and just chilled out.

I wanted to pup up to a shop to see if they had any shorts in there and sadly they had a few I liked but they were a bit long, it sucks being 5ft 3″ most shorts end up looking like trousers that don’t fit properly lol. I like them just above or just past my knees. Oh I did see one pair but they didn’t have my size… sucks as I only have 2 pairs of shorts. I did however end up buying two tops and a thin jumper….but I HAD to get them, they were whispering out to me 😉 one was a Joker t-shirt with Heath Ledger as the Joker on it! The other was a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle top, YEAH BOY old school! and a Batman jumper. It’s all totally awesome stuff so yeah hahahaha.

We’d said to Harvey all day we will go to the 6D cinema, which he talked about loads until I said that if he keeps asking we aren’t going so he stopped lol. But he picked one and we went on it together and OMG! It was so fast and it threw us about lol, we both kept ducking when the bike went under stuff, so funny. We got water sprayed at us too, it was so good and they have new horror ones in that I need to go try 😀

After that we sat down for a bit, chilled out. Said our goodbyes and headed home.

Didn’t get back till gone 7pm and my happy puppies were bouncing about like the usually do when I walk in lol. I sorted my stuff out and sorted out the pee in the hallway. Put their blankets on to wash as they had been peed on too lol.

I sat and played with scrappy and gave foxy cuddles for a bit. Put the clean washing away that was out on the balcony, I tidied up a bit, just pottered about making sure everything was all sorted, so I don’t have to do much tomorrow morning. The only thing I will need to do tomorrow is the washing up! BOOM.

I order my food shopping online and get it delivered because it’s just easier….well It’s meant to be! The driver was 20 mins late and I saw him go up and down my road about 4 times. When drivers can’t find my place I usually get a phone call so I can try and direct them. This guy didn’t ring me, so I had to ring the help line, they couldn’t get hold of his work phone because it was off. So they had to contact the store to see if they could contact his personal phone. But the bloke turned up not long after I rang, when he buzzed up he came without my shopping just to check he was in the right place….which added another 5mins to him pissing about. I then got a phone call from my local store, the woman asked to speak to Mr Mills, I said speaking and I explained the situation and she said about giving me some money back for the hassle, then she called me madam at the end of the conversation! So yeah I was FURIOUS! And I have sent an email to complain. Bang out of order. I will hear back from them in 24 hours. I might try and get them to give me the money back for my entire shop. That’s the least they can do are this massive cock up.

Anyway after all that bollox I put the shopping away and had a burger for dinner and was finally able to relax.

Apart from being angry about that, it’s been a good day and I am SO excited for tomorrow YAY!

Ooooh also I’ve lost 1st in total now! yay, so happy. I’m now 10st 12lbs 😀 and I haven’t even tried. Yup this is all down to coming off the evil quetiapine.

Rocking my new clothes 🙂

Peace out

From a VERY excited Batman 😀

Feeling so great :)

Mid week already and half way through April ALREADY! What the hell?? It’s going crazy fast. I think the first 20 years of my life went sooooo slow lol. Now it’s just going so fast in the blink of an eye.

Yesterday was a chilled day, relaxed and slept most of the morning. I took foxy to the groomers in the afternoon for her summer haircut. While me and scrappy were waiting we played on the field and went to the pet shop and got some treats 🙂 It was so freaking hot out, apparently we are in for a heatwave for the next few months. We picked up miss foxy and she looked gorgeous, all happy and she looks even tinier now, I booked scrappy in as well, he needs his tail trimmed, the hair on the backs of his legs and she’s going the thin out the rest of his hair on his back because its so thick. My gorgeous boy.

We got in and I was so tired from being out in the sun, I think I played on my tab and watched some tv. Then went and laid on the bed for an hour and a half. I didn’t sleep the entire time, mainly just rested. But it was nice and I had the bedroom door open so Marley moo came in and joined me and the pups for a snooze.

I spent the evening over at my friends C&C they gave me my birthday presents as I’ve not seen them since just before my birthday, so that was really nice and yeah just had a nice evening chilling out, chatting, catching up and stuff. I didn’t leave as late as I usually do because I was starting to feel really achy and snotty.

The pups were happy to see me when I got in, I took them straight out and we got into bed, watched a film and I played on my tab.

Today I have been crazy busy! So busy that I had to write a list to remember everything I had to do and everything was completed.

It started with waking up, eating breakfast and falling back to sleep again for a bit.

After I woke I up did my list of things I needed to do and I did my shopping list that I needed to order.

I cleaned the entire flat and throughout the day I did 4 loads of laundry and it is SO hot that I can hang it all outside so it dries quicker. I made some plain ice cubes for the dogs and some ice treats with chicken stock and their dog treats.

My bro dropped by to pick up some money I was lending him.

Ordered my food shopping which is being delivered tomorrow evening. In the food shopping, I ordered the pups some bits to make them some ice treats. I’m going to make them with banana’s, peanut butter and natural yogurt, blend it all up and freeze, hopefully they will love it. While I was online I did my letter that I need to send to ESA about my change of title, so printed that out, put a copy of my deed poll and sorted out the envelope. I also went back through my journal and wrote down all my good things I’ve done, as I’ve not been keeping up with that at all. So I have done all of January now, so my jar looks a bit less sad lol.

I got myself showered and I sadly had to say goodbye to the leg and armpit hair…. Because it is SO freaking hot, I need to wear my shorts and vest top and because I am not binding yet I can’t go out with hairy armpits and hairy legs because I still look like a female. I’ve had an email about my binders so I can track where they are and they should be here next week. So yeah that totally sucked, it’s been great not shaving anything. But yeah that took ages to do lol, I am SO hairy pre-T I’m going to look like a freaking bear on T lol. Ooh and had a nice minted lamb burger for lunch.

After getting rid of the fuzz, I went out in shorts and a vest top. I went back to the pet shop to exchange to clockwork rat I bought scrappy as the one I picked up didn’t work. So got him a new one, had a lil chat with the ladies in there. Went up to the doctors and picked up my prescription for antibiotics and I got them at the chemist. I took the first two on the bus home so I didn’t forget.

At about 6 pm I took the pups across the road for a run as it was a bit cooler. I took their water over with us as scrappy get thirsty quickly. We spent over an hour over there just chilling, playing about. Met Loki the big Husky, he came out to play with scrappy and foxy for a bit. He’s got a new 100m lead so he could actually run about and play with them. I took some really lovely pictures as well 🙂 I love being outside with the pups so so much, I never used to like it. But I think maybe that’s been down to anxiety and now I don’t really have social anxiety I just want to be out all the time and the pups are a great motivation to be out more too.

Chilled out played on my tab for a bit. Sorted out some more laundry. I nipped into Asda to pick up my pain killers and order more injections. I got myself some bits as well that I didn’t order online, as I order from Tesco’s and they don’t have the pups favourite treats in and just some over bits I needed.

Had another minted lamb burger for dinner, watched some tv and caught up on fb.

I CANNOT wait until Fri when my main man J comes down. YEAH BOY! He gets in town just before midday so when we get back to mine we are going to have lunch and chill, then take the pups across the road and pack some cans of fizz and some sweets and just chill and play about over there with the dogs 🙂 Just cannot wait!

Going to give group tomorrow some feedback about what I took from the Weymouth group. But need to say it in a way that its not a judgement to the our group, I think I am just going to totally own it saw I saw this, I think this etc and see what they think. As I do think the group needs to change a little. I am going to tell the group that as from next Thursday I will be no longer on my bipolar meds and that I would really appreciate if they asked me how it was going, how I am coping and if they see any changes in my mood when they see me at group then I would love some feedback and I think that is totally what group is about. We should be supporting each other, we need to be closer, move on from what’s happened in the past if we can. We need to be more of a community as at the moment it feels disjointed and everyone just comes for themselves. Hopefully I’ll be able to do all this fairly well.

Peace out

Batman

Happy despite health issues

And its Monday once again, that also reminds me I must do my med box up soon.

Today hasn’t been that exciting, just a regular day where I wake up paying for the previous day.

I woke up feeling tired, snotty, chesty cough, painful joints…the usual long list. There was no way I was sitting on the bus for an hour to get to my hospital appointment, so I rang up to rearrange it. And then spent most of the day sleeping on the sofa, playing fetch with scrappy while sat on the sofa, having snuggles with foxy girl on the sofa, watching tv and just generally lazing about. I did feel better for it though, well mostly. I have ordered some more antibiotics and left a note saying that I feel better while on them and as soon as I am off I feel ill and that I have a friend over this weekend so want to be able to do things. And I have booked and appointment for next week to discuss this with him.

The sun was shining again today and I did eventually get my butt showered and dressed and I spent an hour out just across the road with the pups 🙂

I had a nice minted lamb burger for dinner, it was actually really nice 🙂

Tomorrow I have to pay my rent, get electric and sort out food shopping. Miss foxy has the groomers in the afternoon, to be pampered and have a haircut and that’s about it really. I may take them for a walk at some point. Depending on how I feel, I may take them up to the heath.

I have booked a dentist appointment for next week as I cannot ignore this toothache any more :/ it really hurts.

I am being more mindful about sucking my thumb at the moment because I know I am doing it more then usual and I am also pushing on my front teeth and making them hurt.

Did some mindfulness today, I sat and coloured in one of my mandala’s. It was really nice just to relax, be in the moment and concentrate on the pencil.

Have a blessed week

Peace out

Batman

Blessed boy

Ooh well I haven’t been around for a few days.

I have some catching up to do, it’s been all good.

Fri I attended the Weymouth Mindout group and it was so great, I really enjoyed it. All the members liked me and a few asked if I was coming back as a volunteer, which I have said yes too. It’s only once a month and it’s a great group and think they would really benefit from my input and vica versa 🙂 so excited. I have already emailed the relevant person so fingers crossed I hear something and get the job.

Just chilled out in the evening. I did spend sometime with the pups across the road for a bit, before I just had dinner and chilled out. Didn’t get to bed till late but I didn’t have anything to do the next day.

Yesterday was spent mostly snuggled on the sofa with the pups snoozing. That metoject always takes it out of me the next day and I wasn’t feeling too well anyway. My head hurt for most of the day too. But by the evening I felt a bit better and I was a social boy and went and met some of the ladies from my trans group. We had a drink, a chat and a good laugh 🙂 I had some much fun and so glad I went out. Didn’t get back too late and was in bed just gone midnight 🙂

Today has been really awesome, just chilled out this morning. I went to the shops to get food and drink to take out with me.

I have spent the day with my brother, sister-in-law, my nephew Leo and the pups. We went out to a river, it was so nice out there. Scrappy had fun swimming in the water and Foxy had fun watching him, they loved running around in and out of the bushes. We had a little drive about and stopped at a few other places and just pulled up to eat and dogs had a little run too.

After our walk we went back to my brothers and just chilled out. The pups were well tired lol. After lil Leo was in bed we watched a film called Blended and I actually liked it. I usually don’t like those sort of films but I really enjoyed it.

My bro dropped me home about 8:30 pm, I sorted my stuff out, put a load on to wash and tried to decide what I wanted to eat for dinner…..but I just don’t want anything. I’m really not hungry at all. I might have some cereal soon.

Tomorrow I have a hospital appointment for my chest, so that’s like a whole day trip. It takes an hour to get there on the bus, then I’ll probably be there for about an hour or so and then an hour back. So that’s pretty much ALL of my day tomorrow as my appointment is at 2 pm. Least I get to chill out in the morning.

Mood, anxiety, anger, compulsion and everything else related to having bipolar and ADHD has been really good. I just can’t believe that I am doing so well on such a low dose of quetiapine and I cannot wait to see how I go without it at all. It’s not been easy, I’ve been working so hard on looking after myself and utilizing every skill I learnt while doing DBT. But it has been so totally worth it! I feel so much better being on such a low dose, I’ve lost weight, I sleep better and I just feel much better and less drugged up all the time.

The only issue I am having at the moment is my appetite but it’s totally gone the other way now and I have no appetite and have to force myself to eat and when eating some things I just don’t want them in my mouth….like its really hard to eat and swallow. Gah, I don’t know what to eat at all, I’m not even craving anything which is unlike me. I’m hoping that this will just pass at some point but I am trying to force myself to eat just little and often at the least as I need to eat in order to keep well and keep going. I’m just trying not to stress too much about it and make it into a bigger issue, so it is what it is right now.

Anyway overall I am good, things are good 🙂 and I have a good week ahead of me. I cannot WAIT until Fri when my best mate comes down to stay for a few days 😀 yay!

A few pics from today

Peace out

Batman

Contented boy

Um not much really to say today, I’m just feeling good and group was really good this afternoon, much needed.

I will say scrappy went from 12-5:30pm without peeing and pooping 🙂 yay! So pleased.

When I got in I sorted out some washing and stuff, then I spent half an hour across the road with the pups, which was nice.

So yeah just good not much to report 🙂

Tomorrow and I off to a different group to represent the group I got too, to talk about funding and stuff with important peeps, so that should be cool.

Peace out

Batman

Shiny happy me

Had another good day 🙂 just feeling the happiness.

I had a relaxing morning, chilling on the sofa, snoozing and watching tv 🙂

Cleaned up the flat and did some laundry, then got myself showered and dressed.

The sun was shining again so I went on a walk with the pups. We were out for most of the afternoon, it was so nice talking to other dog walkers 🙂 Scrappy went for another swim in the sea, he’s getting braver and it’s so cute to watch his lil head bobbing about lol. We sat on a hill just chilling and sitting in the sun, watching the pups running about, it was so nice. I love being out in the sun with the pups, it’s so relaxing and peaceful.

When we got back I had to wash scrappy again because he was dirty. Then we settled down and watched cartoons and I a little bit had a snooze too hehe.

Just chilled out this evening, had some chicken fajitas for dinner they were spicy as fuck but really nice. I’m just watching Tammy now which is really good, then I’ll be off to bed.

Feeling happy and peaceful. Health has been a bit better because I’m on antibiotics, last one today. Pain has been ok too but I’ve been keeping on top of my pain killers. I’m seeing my chest doctor Mon so this week I really need to do my sputum sample and blood test.

I ordered my binders last night, I had an email to say it could take a week to process the order because they are so busy which sucks a bit but with any luck this is the ONE! 🙂

Peace out

Batman

Small steps of acceptance

Laying in bed with my puppy dogs 🙂 just chilling, on the laptop with a film on in the background.

I’ve had a really good day and I’m feeling pretty awesome. I was set to have a busy day tomorrow but plans have changed so I get tomorrow to chill 🙂 which I like to do the day before group.

I had a really lazy morning, sleeping and watching tv, snuggled on the sofa with the pups. I love just relaxing with them and I needed it after the busy day I had yesterday, running about like a little boy.

Eventually I did have to get up and sort myself out. I took the pups across the road for half an hour to run and play. Then when we got in I gave them their treats and put them in the hallway. Got my stuff together, went down to Asda to get a drink and I got my mum a nice potted plant for her new flat, as I am a good son like that 🙂

Mum picked me up and we went over to her new place and as we got near I knew exactly where I was because my best friend C used to live just up the road, so that’s cool because I know how to get there on the bus. Mum liked her plant 🙂 and her flat is actually quite nice, not a bad area either. We sat down for a bit and then walked up to the shops and had a little look around in a few shops. She got out some money for me and she actually gave me extra, it’s exactly what I need to get my chest binders, she said oh its £60 you need for your thingies isn’t it, I said yeah 🙂 so happy its a very small step but it’s a stop non the less.

Went back to mums and had dinner, I was sat playing with Jacks Octons, the little octagon shapes that you click together. I like things like that 🙂 We had some smarties and just chilled out. I left just before 8 pm to catch the bus home, I got so puffed out walking up the hill though lol! But I made it without dying!

I’d just got off the bus and my bro texted me….but I didn’t know what he wanted. But turns out that his ex, Jacks mum was in a&e with Jack and her baby Archie because Archie had fallen off the bed…why she left him on the bed in the first place I don’t know. Anyway so Jack was getting bored and save my brother from parking I went up to the hospital to pick up Jack who came running over to me 🙂 and we met my bro, we went to a shop then they hung out at mine for a bit. As my bro didn’t want to take Jack to his because their flat is tiny and he didn’t want Jack to wake Leo and Jack would have only wanted to stay anyway, but it’s not his week to have him. So yeah we watched Wreck it Ralph and played with the puppies. But was good to hang out with the boys 🙂 haha told Jack I’m a boy and he just said ok, he did get confused and said but your still a girl, I said yeah but I’m going to be a boy and I don’t really think he understood but he was like yeah cool. He is only 5 so I’m not sure how much of it he understood but he’ll probably surprise us and talk about it at some point.

After they left I chilled out for a bit, took my pups out for a wee and yeah got into bed 🙂

Tomorrow my plan is to sleep, relax, clean and if its still nice I’ll take the pups out again for a nice walk.

I’m liking this feeling happy business 🙂 just been smiling lots and bouncing about being silly and it feels good. Been making sure I look after myself too. I can’t believe I am doing so well on such a low dose of meds. May it continue!

Peace out

Batman