Clocks change confusion…and a catch up

Ahh the clocks have gone back an hour and thrown me completely. When I woke up this morning my phone had 8 am and my alarm clock has 9 am… I didn’t know which one was right lol. It’s nearly 10 pm and it feels so late, even though it’s not.

Just a quick update really, as I want to go to bed soon. I start a new course tomorrow called mindful living ๐Ÿ™‚ so really looking forward to that.

Wednesday – Didn’t do much really, I went out and had a scaffold piercing done, got myself a new comic and went to see my friend in the sweet shop, chatted with her for a bit which was nice. Just relaxed all evening.

Thursday – I saw my specialist in the morning, I had to get a chest x-ray done while I was there. She wants me to stay on the steroids every other day at the moment, which I’m not 100% happy about.. but she’s only seen me twice now. But she is sorting out a bone density scan to check me for the early start of osteoarthritis and also I need to see my GP to check my calcium and vit D to see if I need to take tablets for it.

I made group only 20mins late, so that wasn’t bad. I didn’t miss anything really so that was good. Group was really good ๐Ÿ™‚ had a guy talking about Vita Nova group and I am really interested in doing the art and creative writing group. So I am going to look into that ๐Ÿ™‚

Friday – I did the housework, made some cakes, took the pups across the road for a wee and a run a few times. Did the paper work for my P.I.P form, watched tv, slept quite a bit and did some colouring.

Saturday – I did fuck all all day and I totally needed it. I slept all morning until 1 pm lol but I so needed it. I didn’t get dressed all day apart from like 20 mins when I took the pups for a wee and to get milk. H came over for the afternoon and we watched American Horror Story – Asylum as she’d not seen it before. After H left I spent the rest of the evening watching the rest of AHS and I did some more colouring. I felt so much better for not doing anything, I needed a few days to just rest.

Today started with the confusion with time lol but it’s ended well.

I did the housework this morning, got myself showered and dressed.

I spent the afternoon with L the boys and the pups ๐Ÿ™‚ which was cool, had fun messing about with the boys. Can’t believe how big they’ve both got! It’s crazy!

So that’s it for now, I’m feeling a bit happier then I have done ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m feeling really tired though, especially in the morning I find it really hard to get going because all I want to do is sleep in the morning until about midday.

I’m a bit chesty today, coughing up crap. So whatever I had before I had my teeth out has finally gone to my chest. I’ll see how it goes before I see my GP too soon.

I am really looking forward to starting this course tomorrow called mindful living, it’s 1 pm – 4 pm which means I have to leave here at 11:45 am. I am going to see how tomorrow morning goes and if I am feeling too tired then I am just going to sleep. I really need to pace myself and look after myself, these courses will come around again in the spring term.

My thoughts are saying that I am being lazy and that I just need to go and do this course. But my rational brain is saying see how you feel in the morning and decide then, no pressure, remember to pace yourself. I am going to listen to the rational side of my brain although the other side makes me feel guilty about not going. But this course is free and will have many others attending, so I won’t be letting anyone down…urgh I hate my brain sometimes. I do need to listen to my body too better then I already do.

ARGH! it’s all so complicated! I just want to be able to do what I want to do without thinking about it in depth!

ย New piercing

ย How me and my boy chill ๐Ÿ™‚

ย Chilling with my baby girl

ย Marley Moo loves chilling too ๐Ÿ™‚

ย My beautiful babies love playing in the leaves ๐Ÿ™‚

ย Yummy

ย A picture I coloured in from my new book the lost ocean

ย Harley suckling on my top lol

ย Aw me and Boo Boo ๐Ÿ™‚

Peace out

Batman โค

I can’t think of a title…

This is yesterday’s post.. the site crashed as I was trying to post it lol.

BOO!!! Just practising my scare skills for Halloween! woooooooo…lol. Ha I am so excited for my Halloween party, I love it so much.

My body is feeling really tired today but my brain is definitely back up and running and my mood has picked up again. I think now my op has been done I don’t really have much to worry about now, well just my form for benefits to fill in. But I’ve filled out loads of them, I’m sure I can fill it out ok myself.

I’ve been quite busy today, I did the housework this morning before going out. I went and paid my rent and got electric…boring adult stuff! While I was out I came over really hungry but I still can’t eat properly because of the stitches in my mouth, so I couldn’t get a burger or anything. So I got the next best thing and WOW it was SO nice, I could have eaten it again lol. I got myself a shakeaway milkshake with nutella and marshmallows… WOW… It was the best ever and it filled a hole in my stomach without hurting my mouth, BONUS!

I had my counselling this afternoon, it was a good session as usual. It’s so nice talking to a counsellor that totally understands my physical health stuff because he also has a long term condition like mine that will only get worse over time. So yeah he totally gets me because he know the struggles etc. I always looks forward to having my 1:1 session, just to chat about STUFF! like just day to day stuff I deal with, that can be a struggle. So yeah, I left feeling really good ๐Ÿ™‚

As I was in town after my app, I went into a couple of shops and did a bit more xmas shopping and I treated myself to a lil something as well ๐Ÿ˜€ hehe. I think I deserve it so that’s all that matters. On the bus home I had to make a stop at the pet shop to get cat and dog food and got them some xmas presents too.

Eventually I got home this evening lol. The pups and the cats were happy to see me ๐Ÿ™‚ jumping all over me, I love it! Sorted out all my shopping and I did myself some poached eggs for dinner, I did do chips with them but they were a bit hard to eat.

Felt a bit restless but not a agitated restless though. I knew I needed to do a bit of food shopping, as I was running out of stuff I am able to eat. So I ignored my body which was screaming at me to stop and went food shopping. I am going to make myself some risotto tomorrow as that will be so easy to eat and it’s really filling as well. I’ve got myself some porridge, bananas, yoghurts and yeah easy stuff to eat. I’m glad ALL my jobs are done now, I have nothing else to do. Yes I probably should have done it over a few days and BOY will I pay for this tomorrow lol. But I don’t have much planned for tomorrow, other then making dinner and maybe taking the pups out for a walk somewhere. I can catch up on sleep tomorrow, which after today and the look at the time right now lol, I will need it.

This evening I taught scrappy to do high 5! haha so proud of him ๐Ÿ™‚ he’s so clever.

I did a video tonight as well, I was just going to do a video of scrappy doing his tricks. But I ended up just chatting away for nearly 30 mins lol, it was good though, I suppose it’s like a video diary and once I start chatting about a subject it takes me all over the place. I may do another video tomorrow ๐Ÿ™‚

Right I’ve got to get off this laptop very soon, it is now 1 am and my head is hurting. I need my pain killers and my man sleep lol.

Peace out

Batman

Gappy boy!

Ah I am so tired again…and my mouth is a bit sore. I am really struggling to concentrate tonight.

I don’t really have much to say but I thought I would write a quick post.

I haven’t really done much this weekend apart from sleep, I’ve just been so exhausted and I have felt a bit ill too. Even though it wasn’t major surgery, it still takes a big toll on a body that isn’t already performing at 100% so it’s no wonder I feel so crap.

Yesterday evening I did go to a&e to get my hand checked out from where the cannula was. It was so sore and really swollen, I could barely move my hand. I thought it best to get checked out because nothing with me is ever straight forward. The doctor said it’s probably where they got fluid under my skin and if I can get it moving, it will get the fluid moving but it will take a few more days to heal up properly. She also said that I’ve got to keep an eye on it, for redness and the swelling getting worse because that could be a sign of infection. Luckily non of that so far, just still pain and a little less swelling now. I can move my hand a bit better today, which is good.

Today I managed to do the housework, which made me feel better. I hate it when it looks messy in here, there wasn’t loads to do but it still made me feel better.

One of the gaps that a tooth was taken from is really sore and there is stitches all around where the tooth was and around the tooth next to it. That tooth was only a root left, so looks like they had trouble getting it out! All under my tongue is really bruised, I thought it was blood clots under my tongue…but it’s actually my tongue that’s been battered! No wonder it’s all really sore in that area!

Tomorrow I have my flu shot in the afternoon, I hope I don’t feel to ill as a result. I am going to try not to nap until I got to have my shot at 1 pm and then come home and sleep the afternoon away and hopefully I’ll feel ok to go to my group social in the evening ๐Ÿ™‚ *fingers*crossed*

I’m doing ok I suppose, I need to spend some time tomorrow sorting out when and where and what I am doing for the next few weeks and I need to sort out my P.I.P form too…I’m anxious to get it all done. Plus I know I have a few appointments in the next few weeks but I’m not sure when etc. I think I am just rambling now lol..

My brain has switched off…I was going to write something about something but I can’t remember what it was lol!

Right I’ll be off to bed then!

Peace out

Batman

Teeth extractions.

WOOHOO! I had my teeth extracted yesterday. I ended up having 3 out instead of two but that was ok because they all needed doing.

It all went well, apart from the first cannula they put in. I’ve got a huge bruise on the back of my hand and it’s really sore. When I woke up straight away I said take it out because it really hurt, so they did. Then I got so so cold and they had to warm me up, but I remember that happening last time. My blood pressure was really high for a bit, so had to stay in recovery for a bit, until it came down. Eventually went onto the ward, had a drink and ate my jelly and I was home by 2:30 pm ๐Ÿ™‚ The mother picked me up but I wasn’t happy with her, kept calling me my birth name…ugh, so disrespectful. Luckily mother didn’t stay long and H came over not long after I got home, which was good.

I had a raging migraine after, my jaw was really sore and my hips as well but I think that’s where I got really cold when I woke up. H and I hung out for a bit but by 7 pm I just needed to sleep for a bit because my head was killing and my hips were so sore. I only slept for just over an hour but I felt better for it.

H helped me take the pups out for a wee and after I had a shower to warm up and to get the smell of hospital off me lol.

I managed to get all my piercings back in, except one. My middle lip bar, but I knew I wouldn’t as that starts healing up just after an hour of it being out. So I’m going to leave it out for now and get it re done later down the line.

I slept really well last night, which is not surprising. Head was still a lil sore and my hips were too. H and I just chilled out for most of the day. I had a lil afternoon nap because I was tired and achy. H left mine at about 4 pm, so I got myself showered and dressed, took my pain killers and took the pups out for a walk. We ended up being out for 2 hours, I wasn’t meant to be out that long lol, I’m still really meant to be resting but I’d had enough of resting already. But it was a nice walk and ended up chatting to some guy who was really nice ๐Ÿ™‚

Just been chilling this evening, I’ve been managing to eat ok. But only yoghurt and stuff, it’s enough though. I’ve lost 3lbs in the last two weeks, I’m 9st 1lbs now! WOOHOO! pretty much what I was before quetiapine, so pleased with that.

I’m so tired now, so I think it maybe time for bed very soon ๐Ÿ™‚

Peace out

Batman

ARRRGH! There are no words

I am not quite sure where to start today… there are SO many things on my lil brain today. Well the same as every day I suppose lol!

I started the day by managing to pull a chunk of skin out of my finger before I’d even gotten out of bed and got blood everywhere. I have a batman symbol on my necklace and it is a bit pointy and sharp. I somehow managed to hook it into my finger and as I got up I pulled the skin off and it pissed with blood all over the place lol.

Despite the start to the day it’s not actually been too bad. I’ve done the housework and laundry, got some bits from the shop, so everything is all sorted for tomorrow. I like when everything is all in order and sorted, makes me feel good.

This afternoon I had a short nap, I was just so tired after cleaning and going to the shop. But it was nice ๐Ÿ™‚ and I needed it.

After I met up with my friend and her dog and went for a nice dog walk ๐Ÿ™‚ I was totally shattered afterwards lol. It was a nice walk though and the dogs definitely needed it.

This evening I got a call from the hospital to say that they cannot guarantee me a bed tomorrow. Which has angered me to know end, literally so furious. So what happens now is that I have to go in tomorrow as planned and I won’t know until about 8 am – 8:30 am whether they have a bed for me and if they are able to take my teeth out or not. If not then I just go home and they re-book it, but I am just so hoping that this will not be the case, as I’ve waited 10 months already for this! I was anxious about tomorrow but now I am even more anxious. Also because they have got my gender down as female…not sure WHY! because I think I remember telling the nurse I saw in July that I was trans…but whatever, so afterwards I will be stuck on a same-sex ward with woman… I may say something when I get there but… if the beds are short then yeah it will probably be an issue, especially as I haven’t started a physical transition. URGH! so complicated. So yeah I am stressed for tomorrow, I just want it over an done with now. So yeah fingers crossed it actually happens!

So once again I am not sure how I feel other then stressed and anxious. They are only secondary emotions, I don’t know what I primarily feel. Mind I think I am probably in a state of disassociation again from my body, I still have the weird controlled breathing again. But I am just trying hard no to focus on it so it doesn’t get worse.

Right I gotta sort my stuff out for tomorrow, what clothes I am going to wear and what I need to take with me. JOYS!

I may not write for a few days now IF they do my teeth tomorrow. So yeah ๐Ÿ™‚ fingers crossed!

Peace out

Batman

Sometimes all you can do is just BE :)

I don’t know where to start today, I am just looking at the screen hoping to be inspired to write. I think it’s a bit of brain block/brain fog.

I decided to go to my trans group social last night, which was nice ๐Ÿ™‚ and the pups always love seeing everyone. I think I needed to socialise and get out of my head for a bit and come home feeling a bit better then when I went.

WOW did I sleep well last night, I slept for a good 9 hours but I must have needed it. I was up for a bit and then slept again for a few hours until 12:30 pm. I so needed it though, I’ve felt much better for it.

All I’ve managed to do today is just be, I’ve felt too overwhelmed to do anything. But I am coming to realise that just being is totally ok. Yes I have my DBT skills and stuff but sometimes that just doesn’t work, nothing does. So I’ve just had to sit and be, which for me isn’t always easy because every time I feel down I feel like I should be doing something to turn it around. But by actually just sitting and being I have turned it around and I’ve not felt so exhausted today, as I’ve slept and I’ve just been without trying to do anything or be anything, which in itself can be exhausting.

I made some cakes this afternoon, I love baking but even more so now I have my stool to sit on so its a lot less tiring.

I went and had my haircut late afternoon, I just suddenly decided to go and get it cut. So I got my mohawk shaved back in, I love having the sides so short but I like having a bit to play with.

Had two showers today ๐Ÿ™‚ but again with my stool it isn’t so energy draining now. I love having a shower again now, it’s enjoyable again.

All I’ve done this evening is take the pups for a wee and pick up my meds. I didn’t end up eating anything tonight because I didn’t want anything, I did have 1 meatball at lunch time, so I have eaten a bit today.

Just relaxing now, got the tv on. Waiting for a show called girls to men to start, which is about trans guys ๐Ÿ™‚ last week was about trans kids and that was good, so really looking forward to this. All though I know this will kick off the dysphoria for me because these guys are like done with their transition and I am just wanting so bad to start my physical transition.

I now have two people that will be able to help me Thursday, so if one person can’t then the other can. So I am feeling so so grateful for that. All mother has to do is pick me up from hospital and drop me home. So I am not stressing about it as much now, I just can’t wait for it all to be over with.

Tomorrow I have my bitch jobs to do and laundry. I’m also going to try and take the pups for a walk if I feel up to it. I need to get my self sorted for Thursday, what I need to take and set my alarm and stuff. I need to be at the hospital for 7:15 am so I need to be up pretty early because I need to have a shower, take out my piercings and take the pups out for a quick wee. I probably won’t walk up there though, I’ll get a taxi. I am starting to feel a bit anxious about it now, even though I’ve had this type of procedure before. I suppose it’s natural to feel a bit anxious before being put to sleep.

ย feeling fresh with my new haircut

Peace out

Dyllan

I hate gender dysphoria

So I’ve not been around for a while, mainly because I’ve been too tired by the evening to write, but partly because I just haven’t felt like it.

I’ve been really struggling this week, just in my over all life. I’ve struggled with my mind and the gender dysphoria and dissociation from my body and feelings. Also I’ve not been feeling well, I am struggling coming off the steroids, I am just exhausted all the time.

I’ve also had a complete nightmare regarding my little op to have two teeth removed. It was meant to be last week, but now it’s this Thursday and I did have someone to look after me afterwards but now I don’t…again! My family are useless, as I resorted to them to help. But non of them are able too, well not able to stay with me at MY house, I don’t want to be recovering at my nan and grandad’s as they don’t want the dogs there and I would rather be at home with all my babies. But the mothership is picking me up from hospital and staying with me for a bit and then I am on my own. But fuck it, I’ll be ok. I always am because I always have to be. Just reminds me of being 7 years old having my first asthma attack and being left in the children’s ward on my own all night, without my parents. I was ok then and I will be ok now, I’ve always been looking after myself. It just fucks me off that at the end of the day I have not one single person in my life that I can’t rely on 100% because most of my friends have physical/mental health issues or both and I get that and I hold not hate or resentment for that. But most of my friends at least have their family or other friends to support and help them. But as this situation proves I have no one, no family that are supportive in any aspect of my life. I miss my dad so fucking much because I know he would be here in a heartbeat, he would take time off and come down and help me. 4 years this year since he died and not a minute goes by that I wish it wasn’t him that had died. I am so full of anger because of this situation and well the gender dysphoria doesn’t help. But as usual this boy will be fine because I have to be.

Today I don’t really know how I feel other then really tired. I feel lost, I feel really lost but I don’t know why…is this just the gender dypshoria or what? I’m not sure. I’ve managed to do the housework and take the pups out but that’s it. I’ve just had to sit and just be because I’ve not been able to do anything else. Sometimes nothing works other then just sitting and being.

I feel like giving up on my transition, I know this is just a thought and I know that nothing will ever come of this thought but I want it too much. But it feels too hard right now, I hate the gender dysphoria, I just hate feeling so shit all the time. I just want to start testosterone already! Being in this limbo, waiting to get to the gender identity clinic is bullshit! I guess I’m just tired and depressed and just not feeling so good right now. This month is such a stressful month with having my teeth out, having my flu jab, sorting out the paper work for my new disability benefit and the anniversary of dad’s death as well. I just want this month over with.

So yeah that’s me caught up, I’m not doing great but I am trying my best just to keep going and at least pretend like I’m ok and having fun.

Urgh I just feel so fucking shit at the moment. I do have my trans group social tonight and I am still unsure if I feel up for going or not right now. I’m going to have dinner and see how I feel.

Anyway yeah that’s all from me.

Peace out

Batman

I love guided meditation

Ah yes! Sunday this bullshit week is practically over! And I am feeling a bit better then I have done. But that’s mainly down to doing some guided meditation, which really helped to ground me.

A quick catch up –

Saturday – ย I actually woke up feeling ok, because I did my metoject injection the night before I was half expecting to feel really poorly but thankfully I felt ok.

I’m sat here trying to remember what I did but I can’t remember. I didn’t feel too great though, I felt really restless. I was trying to relax but I just couldn’t.

By about 1:30 pm I was so restless that I just had to get out. So I took the pups down to Bournemouth beach. It was a really nice walk once I was able to actually get on the beach. There was a marathon thing on, which is great cuz it’s for charity and whatever…BUT it was really fucking difficult to get on and off the beach! I just wanted to fucking walk my dogs! WOW even that was fucking hard work. Whoever organised it, did not do it well! But whilst actually on the beach me and the pups had fun, so least that was good.

Oh I got some bad news in the post…They’ve cancelled my appointment to take my teeth out while I’m asleep…just said due to unforseen circumstances. I have been waiting 10 fucking months for this appointment! I am not impressed. But I have to wait till tomorrow to sort it out.

I didn’t have any dinner, just munched on bits and bobs, I was too tense to eat anything. The stress and the anger of the week had all built up and I was feeling really agitated.

I was in bed by half 10 pm and I knew I needed to do some meditation but I wasn’t able to do it on my own. So I found an app called Stop, Breathe and Think, for guided meditation and it was so good and really relaxed me and I felt all the heaviness go and the anger melt away. I fell asleep pretty much straight away.

Well today I woke up about half 8 am but I felt like I’d actually slept for the first time this week. Had my breakfast and watched tv. I did have a lil nap for a bit which was nice.

My friend text to see if I was up…I was up but only just lol! So I hopped in the shower, got dressed and nipped to the shop to get a few bits and waited for my friend to come over.

We spent the afternoon just chatting and watching films and the x-files. It was nice just to relax and catch up, also it was a really nice day and there’s only been one other day this week that’s actually been good, so 2 out of 7 is ok I suppose lol.

I had my dinner, sorted out all my lists for the week. My list of what I am doing and when, what bills are coming out and when. Then what dinners I am going to cook and this week on the menu is cottage pie, veg and ham risotto and corn beef hash! I cannot wait to eat it all ๐Ÿ™‚ I’ve done my shopping list so I know what I need to get too. I am thinking of trying going to Lidl instead of Asda as I know it will be loads cheaper. Will have to see how that goes and whatever I can’t get in there I can go get in Asda.

I am feeling a lot better today, my head is in a much better place. Meditation is so powerful and this app I found is great, definitely going to do it before I go to sleep tonight.

Have a busy-ish day tomorrow, got the housework and laundry to do in the morning, I need to go up to the hospital and get my bloods done and possibly see if I can sort out re-booking my hospital app while I’m there, that will probably be much easier then trying to ring them. I’ll just go to where I went to book it the first time round and take the letter and see what happens.

In the evening I have my trans group social at a cafe called Flirt, that’s always fun, I always look forward to going up there with the pups.

That’s it for tomorrow…I say that’s it but that’s more then enough lol.

Anyway I’m going to wrap this up, as I need to take the pups out before I get to bed and do some guided meditation.

Peace out

Batman

What a nightmare.. :/

Well this week has been utter bullshit. Literally it couldn’t have gone any worse, well it probably could have but hey. I’m glad the week is over and the weekend is here, so I can try again next week. Mind on Wednesday I have to go in hospital to have 2 teeth taken out while I’m asleep.

Thursday – Urgh I felt rough when I woke up but I managed to get myself to group although when I got there I wished I hadn’t gone because I felt so flipping ill, it’s down to the fact I’m only taking my steroids every other night and my body is not liking it. So the day I don’t take my steroids is the day I feel really ill.

I got home, had a nice shower because I was so sweaty and horrible, I put my pjs on and went to sleep for a bit because I was just so flipping tired and felt so ill. But I only slept for about an hour.

Just had a sandwich for dinner as I just wasn’t up for eating anything else.

Took the pups across the road for a wee and a bit of a run as they’d not been out much. But wow that didn’t go well either.. Both the dogs were off their leads and at first we were the only ones there but then we came across some woman with two huge dogs and for some reason scrappy got spooked and ran off and I couldn’t find him anywhere! I was calling him for ages but couldn’t find him, so I headed home as I thought he may have headed that way too. I dropped foxy home and picked up my phone to see if anyone had rang as he’s got my phone number on his tag on his harness. I had a look around by Asda as that’s another place we walk, so he may have gone there. Thankfully I found him tied up just inside the door of Asda! WOW I was so pleased to see him, I cried. Luckily someone we know saw him and picked him and and took him to the shop with him. He found him running about in the road and thank god there was not a scratch on him! I’ve never been so happy to see my boy!

Had lots of snuggles with my boy when I got in and a good cry too. Chatted to some friends and went to bed because I was so achy I needed to rest.

Today hasn’t been so horrible though, although it did take me a while to get to sleep last night and it was a really restless sleep as well, I woke up really sweaty and really hot.

I slept most of the morning as I was still feeling a bit achy and poorly.

Did the housework and laundry as it needed doing. Had a nice shower and got dressed. Had something to eat, while waiting for my parcel to come.

After my parcel had arrived I took the pups up to the heath again, just up out of the way of the majority of the population. We only saw a few people and the pups had a nice time ๐Ÿ™‚

Got home, chilled out, had dinner. I went to my brothers for a bit to give Leo his birthday present. I can’t believe he’s one already! it has gone so so fast. I didn’t stay too long though.

I got in and took the pups out for a wee straight away, got back in again and got straight into my pj’s lol and I’ve just been relaxing ever since.

Got my metoject injection tonight and no steroids tonight either..so tomorrow I am going to feel like fucking shit! So I am not looking forward to how crap I am going to wake up feeling in the morning. But I have no plans tomorrow so I can just hibernate for the day.

Well I better go jab myself in the stomach! and get my butt into bed.

Peace out

Batman