Pictures of my Christmas

Some pictures of my Christmas ❤

 3 best friends

 Happy Leo with his present

 Happy boy with treats 🙂

 Eeep lots of presents 🙂

 Excited puppies Christmas morning 🙂

 Foxy got new clothes 🙂

 Eeep 🙂

 Harvey and his best friend H 🙂

 Boys chilling with H

 L and the pups 🙂

 Albert enjoying his pringles

 Piggy back with boo

 Me and my boy

 Boo helping me do dinner

 Just chilling lol

 me and my boys ❤

 Handsome boy in his new coat 🙂

 New t-shirt 🙂

Just a snippet of my life over Christmas ❤

Peace out


Christmas and New years madness.

Just sat staring at the laptop not quite sure what to write as it’s been a long but awesome week.

My feet have barely touched the floor because I’ve been so busy but it’s been a good busy and I’ve had great fun with my awesome friends.

So I’ll share with you all what happened for me this Christmas and prove that even with lots of things going on with my health, mental health and gender stuff that life is what you make it and I put things in place to make sure Christmas was a good one.

Christmas eve morning, I spent cleaning up the flat. I was so tired though lol, I kept sitting down and nearly falling back to sleep. The sinus infection is definitely taking it out of me.

Me and the pups got picked up and went to a friends house, we had such a good laugh, good food an good company. We played card games too which was so fun 🙂 We did secret Santa which was fun too. It over all was an amazing Christmas eve and I am so blessed to have such amazing ladies in my life ❤ They were both very naughty and got me a present each which I wasn’t allowed to open until Christmas day.

When I got home my bro text me to say mother had dropped presents over his for me and I was so buzzing, feeling so good. So I decided to walk over to his to pick the presents up.

N was at my door when I got back from my brothers so that was cool 🙂 I opened up my presents from mother and for the first time since I changed my name to Dyllan which is nearly 7 years ago now, this was even before gender stuff, mother put Dyllan in my Christmas card and on my presents… wtf! So telling her I don’t want to speak to her and she’s finally being respectful! and she got me something I actually like. I did text to thank her and we had a nice conversation, but yeah I am still going to be cautious with her I think…I don’t really know what to do with the whole situation, its all so messed up. So yeah..urgh whatever!

Christmas day morning, for some reason the dogs woke up at 7 am, I asked N what the fuck the time was and just rolled over and went back to sleep until nearly 9 am which is a much more reasonable hour then fucking 7 am lol!

We got up and had breakfast, watched tv and just chilled out for a bit. Then we did PRESENTS! eeeek! I was super excited. I bought N some presents 🙂 and I open the presents from J and E and WOW omg! I was pretty much jumping off the walls with excitement, J had got me a Lego display case for my Lego mini figures 😀 and E got me Lego Jurassic world! OMG! like wow, I have the best friends ever and they know me so well 😀 I was so so chuffed, I couldn’t get over it. I’m sat smiling ear to ear now thinking about it.

I then opened up all the presents I got for the cats and the dogs 🙂 and needless to say they didn’t waste any time in playing with their new presents, they got so much. I love spoiling my beautiful fur babies ❤

After cleaning up all the wrapping paper, which Harley was having fun jumping in, I sorted out dinner. I did a beef casserole in the slow cooker 🙂 Then had myself a shower and put on my new T-shirt and socks from N. I love the feeling of new clothes.

The weather was so awful all day long, so we couldn’t take the pups for a walk like I normally do, so I was a bit gutted about that. It was just too cold, windy and wet and it would have be so so muddy out. We did still take the pups across the road for a wee and a little run, we managed to catch a dry patch in between the rain.

N and I spent the rest of the day relaxing, watching tv, nearly falling asleep lol and playing Uno. Christmas day well spent if you ask me.

N went home earlier then planned which was fine, I know when I don’t feel well all I want to do is sleep and relax at my own home. She’s got so much going on with her health, so it’s all totally understandable, I just wish I could do something to help.

I spent all evening getting stuck into my new game 😀 I love it so much, such a great game. I can’t stop playing it.

I can’t remember what time I went to bed but I know it was way past midnight lol!

So boxing day I woke up about 9 am and got on with the housework and prepared our nice turkey dinner. I did a large turkey breast in the slow cooker, I put veg at the bottom and some stock, on high for 4 hours.

H came over at lunch time, it was nice to hang out for a bit before L and the boys came over and all the madness began.

L and the boys came over about 1pm I think. I made everyone wait for just over an hour before we did presents. Harvey sat playing games on his phone with H and me and boo were playing with his dinosaurs that he got for Christmas and of course he wanted to play fight with his myllan lol.

We did presents. Albert and Harvey were both so good waiting nicely for their next presents. Harvey loved the game I got him, I knew he would. L spoilt me and the pups and the cats 🙂 eep ❤ she got me loads! L and H loved their presents I got them, so pleased. I love giving people presents ❤

Albert got into his new Thomas onsie and I got aged 4-5 years and it only JUST fits his big butt lol! He’s 2 years old! he’s so huge. He will probably only fit in that this winter and then it will be far too small.

The boys and I were play fighting, piggy backing and just generally messing about lol.

I sorted out dinner, Albert was watching me peel the veg which was cute, he was chatting away to me. It took me a bit longer then anticipated to get it all ready and cooked but man it was so nice if I do say so myself 🙂 and everyone ate as much as they could, well apart from boo cuz he just couldn’t stay awake lol.

Considering it was my first ever turkey roast I had cooked, it went well. It was so flipping exhausting but it was definitely made easier by having my stool to sit on, I think it would have killed me if I didn’t have my stool.

After a short sleep, I woke boo up so that he would eat before he went to bed. He ate a bit of his dinner which was good but as its Christmas I let him have some pringles and sweets 🙂 which made him a happy boy. No point force feeding him something that he doesn’t want, cuz it will cause issues with food later on in life. So yeah he pretty much ate a whole tub of pringles lol and some sweets.

Put boo to bed about 8 pm, although he was not happy about it lol. But after some cuddles with me he eventually settled down to sleep.

H left at some point…I can’t remember what time lol. But it was great to have spent a awesome boxing day with her. We’ve been best friends for like 10 years maybe longer, couldn’t imagine my life without her now. She’s been so amazing to me over the years ❤ and I am looking forward to another 10 years plus being best buds.

Harvey went to bed with no problem, I always give him a count down to the time he’s got to go to bed. Makes it easier but to be fair he’s always good for me.

Ah peace…well sort of lol. Just me and L, 2 cats and 3 crazy ass dogs. We watched some films and chatted, ate sweets and just chilled out. It was a great way to end a lovely day 🙂

L went to bed just gone 1 am after we watched the film Kinky boots but I didn’t get to sleep until 2 am, as I can’t sleep straight away, I need to relax and unwind before I sleep.

Boo boo got L and I up at 6 am…WOW 4 hours sleep! I just put his new Thomas dvd on for him and tired to get him to cuddle up on the sofa with us but he wasn’t having it. But L and I was nodding on and off on the sofa together lol. I think Harvey got up at 8 am and by that point that’s it I was up lol.

We spent all morning watching films 🙂 L helped me clean up, so that was nice as the place was a flipping tip lol.

I was about to get in the shower and Albert asked where I was going and I said I’m getting a shower and he said “me shower too?” So I said yeah if you want too. So boo boo sat on my stool in the shower and I washed him, then washed myself. He kept playing with my belly button lol, which he’s always done since he was small.

L had a shower and Harvey got dressed, lil smell bag doesn’t really like having a shower he’s a bit scared of it.

I took down the Christmas tree and decorations! AH! much better lol. I don’t mind having my tree up 2 weeks before Christmas but as soon as it’s all over I just want them down.

Helped L get her and the boys sorted to go home. I walked them to the bus stop, as boo hasn’t got a push chair at the moment so he’s hard work to cross the road, mind Harvey is as well because he has no road sense at all.

When I got back I took the pups out for a wee and run. Then spent all afternoon playing Lego Jurassic world.

I had an early night, because I hurt all over and I was just so exhausted.

28th – I slept really well and didn’t wake up till about 10 am, which is late for me. I must have needed it though.

My bro, sister in law and nephew popped over for a bit. Leo was in his brand new car he got for Christmas 🙂 so cute. Was nice to see them all.

I took the pups for a walk in the afternoon because they hadn’t been out for a proper walk in a few days. It was cold and windy but was nice to get out in the fresh air.

Bumped into some friends on the way home and K needed to charge his phone, so I said he could pop back to mine for a bit. So we hung out for most of the afternoon, went to town to try find some new trainers but couldn’t, but I did spend my game voucher H got me and got the Back to the Future level pack for my Lego dimensions game.

Spent the evening playing Lego Jurassic world and I completed the main story line already. It’s just so awesome and I can’t stop playing it!

29th – I slept until 9 am 🙂 yay my sleep is getting better.

My friend text me to say she was on her way…yeah I wasn’t even a little bit ready lol! So I jumped up and got my butt into gear and did the housework. I managed to do most of it before she came which was good, I only had to clean the balcony and get a shower. It was good though because it made me get up and get going because other wise I probably could have fallen back to sleep lol.

After I got showered and dressed, we went into town. I paid my rent and we looked in a shop and I got myself a new Batman t-shirt with my Christmas money. I treated us both to Burger King for lunch, which we ate at mine.

H-A drove me and the pups over to Hamworthy park were we had a nice walk and Scrappy the crazy pup went for a swim in the sea lol! We both got some great pictures 🙂

We popped into see H-A’s auntie and her dogs which was awesome 🙂 had a good giggle.

I was absolutely shattered when I got in! So I snuggled up on the sofa with the pups just relaxing, watching tv.

Had some beef casserole for dinner, as there was 3 portions left over after Christmas day. So nice easy dinner, only had to heat it up.

E came over in the evening for a few hours, Foxy was beside herself as usual. She loves E so so much. I showed E my game she got me and the Lego dimensions games and I made her a nice Spanish hot chocolate 🙂 It was nice to hang out with her, she’s so lovely.

Did my usual nightly routine, of taking my meds and taking the pups for a wee.

And now we are on today 🙂 30th Dec, I cannot believe that tomorrow is the last day of 2015! It’s gone so fast its totally insane.

So today I have rested and looked after my needs. I slept until gone 11 am, had a shower and got dressed. Took the pups out for a wee and went to the shop to get something for dinner and a few other odd bits I needed like cereal and stuff.

Luckily I went out when I did because when I got back it started raining so hard and it hasn’t really stopped since! So after I had lunch I spent all from half 2 and finally stopped for dinner at 5 pm. I could have played for longer but I was hungry, I had a nice chicken breast, roast veg and roast potatoes with cheese sauce! YUM! Haven’t cooked that for a while, definitely doing that again soon.

I have spent all evening writing this blog lol! I kept having to look at my FB to see what happened and when! The week between Christmas and New years always completely throws me and I have no idea who I am, what day it is, where I am, what I am doing! Just totally lost lol. Can’t wait for it all to get back to normal, so I know where I am.

Tomorrow I am spending New years with H and Harvey and the pups will have their best buddy Arnie to play with. Going to have pizza hut for dinner as a treat for us all 🙂 will probably end up playing games and maybe watching films. Said to Harvey he can stay up as late as he can, so we shall see if he can make it until midnight 🙂 so it should be a good night. I’d much prefer to stay in with friends then go out.

2015 has been such a crazy ass year! It’s had lots of up and lots of down and 5 broken bones! I leave 2015 as a guy and a strong guy, I start a new year being more me then I’ve ever been before and I am looking forward to starting my new journey towards becoming the man I know I can be.

I don’t really have any goals for 2016 other then to continue on the path to becoming my true self and to continue to learn about myself and ways to self care and improve myself and be the best me I can be. That’s all I can ask of myself, especially as my health is so unpredictable and I don’t really know where next year will take me health wise. So we shall see.

I started 2015 weighing 11 stone 11 pounds and I am leaving 2015 weighing 8 stone 11 pounds! and that is all down to coming down off the Quetiapine from 400 mgs to 50 mgs. I have managed my bipolar with all the skills I learnt at DBT and guided meditation has been a life saver. I start the day with meditation and end the day with meditation and I feel so much calmer for it. I feel brilliant for being on such a low dose, I don’t feel as drugged up and I feel so great for losing so much weight.

Well that’s all for me, I may do a short post tomorrow. But if not I shall see you all in 2016 🙂 I hope you have a great New years, stay safe and have fun.

Peace out


Happy Christmas – p.s Suffering is optional.

Well it’s Christmas eve eve lol and I thought I would do an update as I am not sure when I will have the time to sit and write next as the next few days will be really busy.

So the last 3 days have been busy but good. I’ve been getting my last few bits and bobs in and accidentally a few bits for me lol!

On Mon I spent like 4 hours wrapping presents and wow it made my back and butt so sore. Afterwards I went out to another Christmas group meal which was good for most of it lol, but I can’t say too much about it. Overall it was good 🙂

I’ve also had friends popping over and meeting friends and stuff, so that’s been so good. Saw my bro, nephew an step dad today which was cool 🙂 let Leo open his present from me hehe, well he’s going to have so much and he’s only 14 months old so he won’t remember this one.

Tomorrow morning I got to do a bit of cleaning up before being picked up to go to a friends for dinner, which I am really looking forward too 🙂 N will be coming over in the evening when I get home.

Christmas day will be just me and N and maybe another friend who I said is free to pop over if she wants. I’m doing beef casserole for dinner in the slow cooker and I am hoping the weather will be nice enough to take the pups for a walk in the afternoon.

Boxing day, L and the boys are coming over, N will still be with me and H is coming over too and I am making Christmas dinner! eeeep so that will be interesting lol! But I am really looking forward to it as well.

So yeah got it all planned out so it should be a good one. I think Christmas is what you make it, regardless of if you are ill, don’t see your family, don’t have many friends or whatever you have to make the most of it. I’ve put a lot of work into making this a good year, as I did last year and last year I spent it alone and loved every minute of it. I know this time of year is difficult for many people for many different reasons but if you think its going to be shit then it will be. I know it’s difficult when you are depressed BUT you have to scratch the darkness in order to find that glimmer of light in your life, so you can climb out of the deep black hole. It is possible,yes depression sucks but the suffering is optional.

Anyway that’s all I have to say really, I’m going to get to bed soon because my head is hurting and I’m tired. I still have to take the pups for a wee and put new bed sheets on…joys lol!

Well I hope you all have a fabulous Christmas, don’t forget to treat yourself, eat and sleep well and don’t over do it, nap if you need and stay safe ❤

Peace out



So it’s 4 days until Christmas day! EEEEK! and I am sort of ready for it lol. I have food to last for like a month lol! so at least that is done and sorted out but I have a few presents still to get and then I need to spend time wrapping it all, which I hate cuz my butt and lower back really hurts when I sit on the floor.

My tree went up on the 12th and it looks great, got loads of decorations on there that were made by my friends and their kids, gives it such a personal loving feel and I can’t stop looking at the decorations and thinking about all my friends who love me and who have been so amazing this year 🙂

On the 11th I went to the Weymouth Mindout group and we had our Christmas lunch, which was lovely. I always really enjoy being with the people in that group, they are all so lovely. On our first group back to both the Bournemouth and Weymouth group I am doing a session about being transgender…eeep no pressure lol, I am looking forward to it though, just not sure where to start. Might look up some history and statistics and stuff.

The 14th was the trans group Christmas meal and again it was another great meet up. I had my main man sat next to me for the whole thing and he didn’t stop talking to me for the whole thing, but it was so lovely to catch up with him, he’s such a dude!

17th was the last Mindout Bournemouth group until the 7th of Jan, it was a really good group, quite a few people turned up which was nice. Afterwards I went to the YMCA with N so she could pick some stuff up so she could come stay with me for a few days. She treated us to pizza hut which was lush and we just hung out watching films. It was really nice to have some company.

18th N spent most of the day at hers doing some bits she needed to do and I spent most of the day sleeping and resting because I was so tired and I am still feeling poorly, so I needed it. N came back in the evening and we chilled out watching tv and playing Lego lol. I had my food shopping delivered, so N and I put that away and sorted out all the stuff that’s gone off in the fridge and freezer. N is staying with me all over Christmas, so we went to Asda and got some more food shopping and yeah we have loads now lol!

19th Again I spent most of my day sleeping and resting. L came over early evening without the boys, so it was really nice to have some adult time together before all the madness of Christmas commences lol. We had pizza hut for dinner….well is is the holidays 😉 and we watched some films which was cool.

Today L and I took the pups for a lovely walk down baiter park this morning. It was so nice, a bit windy though lol but the pups had great fun running around and being all crazy. Scrappy and Arnie even dipped their paws in the sea, crazy boys must have been so cold.

After the walk L caught the bus back to hers and I walked back home. When I got in I did myself some crumpets for lunch, got a Pepsi, pain killers, a few chocolates and a Christmas film and snuggled up in bed, with the pups and the cats. I don’t think I saw most of the film lol because I fell asleep but I so needed it.

Just been chilling out this evening, I watched tv, had some dinner, played with the dogs and the cats, played with Lego. Yeah it’s been a pretty great day and even though I am still full of snot I feel really good 🙂

Even though I am not entirely sorted and I do still have a few bits to do, I feel more settled then I have done. I feel much more grounded and settled. I think that being around all my friends over Christmas is giving me something to really look forward too so it’s lifted my mood, I really want to make sure everyone around me has a great time, as well as myself and my fur babies of course.

It’s been a very long few weeks with lots of ups and downs, illnesses, emotional pain, tiredness and generally just not knowing where I am at at all. But I am definitely getting back on track and I am hopefully going to end this very long year on a good note. I’m not sure if I am looking forward to next year or not but I know it will be hard with difficult appointments and stuff but I am just going to make sure I fill up the rest of the time with fun with friends.

 My gorgeous Foxy and Scrappy looking rather festive ❤

Harley and Marley my beautiful girls ❤

I scrub up ok don’t I? 😉

 Tree decorations made my J and his boy

 Tree decoration made my my friend K

  Tree decorations made my Scarlett, India and Ravenoak

 Tree decorations made by L and the boys

I am in love with my decorations ❤

Peace out


Christmas chaos

Well it’s 2 weeks until Christmas eve and I am no where near organised for anything lol, like I just feel like I am just wandering around in a haze with no real direction at all… I need to get myself sorted but right now I feel too tired and ill to do anything.

Last year I was super organised, cards were sorted, shopping was done, tree was up. I was ready. I haven’t even got a tree at the moment, I don’t know who I still need to get presents for, I haven’t done any food shopping, like literally I have nothing. I have done NO cards because well I can’t be fucking bothered.

I am still finding my feet after this manic episode and I just have so much going on. I have so many appointments, group meals an stuff before Christmas and just not enough time to do it all. Plus I am currently suffering from a sinus infection so I feel so ill.

Going to try and get myself a bit more organised at the weekend, I need to look at the presents that I already have got and what I need to get. I need to get myself a new tree if I have the money. Going to write myself a shopping list, will get that delivered though as no way am I carrying it all. I also need to make sure the animals have everything they need as well. A lot of work goes into celebrating a few days. But until the new year everything is all over the place so I like to have everything I need to get by.

I’ve had a long difficult week with one thing or another, which hasn’t helped with the disorganisation and time has just slipped away as well, it’s gone incredibly fast. I do need to get my butt into gear and sort it out. I want to make sure I have another good Christmas and that takes a lot of work.

Oh I have the name of a specialist in Southampton hospital and I have left a message with my GP to ask him to refer me to him. So I am hoping this will be straight forward but it might not be but I can always hope that something in my life is straight forward lol.

I have written a letter to my family to cut ties with them, apart from my brother as our relationship is different because we are brothers. I am going to post it to my grandparents house for them to pass around. I can no longer carry around the anger and the emotional baggage they bring into my life. It needs to be done and this year I have built up my friendship circle and they are now my family. Family isn’t always blood. I feel better for having written it, I can’t wait for this part of my life to be over with, so I can let go of the anger and move on. I am fed up with all the fakeness the holidays bring, I can’t fake my way through another Christmas. It’s a big scary step but I know that this ultimately is for the best.

Still not sleeping amazing, still waking up at least once. But I’m not waking up for that long and I am dealing with it. It is slowly getting better and I am definitely on the right track 🙂

I have altered my routine a little bit, I go on the laptop earlier in the evening so I have more time to watch a film or play on my ps3 and I am not spending as much time online as I did and I am finding I mentally feel less drained..not the right words but can’t find the words to explain it. Or I go on my laptop in the day, so I can chill in the evening.

My appetite is better but that’s because I’m still on 50mgs of Quetiapine. Even though I am hungry I struggle to eat, sometimes I try not to gag when I’m eating sometimes. But I carry on because I’m hungry and I need to eat. I just try and ignore it and enjoy eating, it’s hard but I need to gain a better relationship with food. I’m not forcing myself to eat though as I know that will make it worse, I just take my time to eat.

Transition stuff is ok I guess, still get misgenered like all the time which is really getting me down now but not much I can do about it :/ it’s just really frustrating.

Think that’s all that’s happening in my lil crazy life

Peace out


8 day old post

A 8 day old post that I just didn’t share for some reason…

Two weeks of no methotrexate and I am doing ok 🙂 I feel a bit more energetic which is odd but I am not sure if it is the bipolar or from not being on the methotrexate, its hard to tell the difference sometimes. It could be the bipolar as I have been feeling quite agitated recently.

Stomach is feeling much better, apart from a small sore patch but I think that is from an injection. But apart from that I can eat and it stays in! woohoo lol.

I am still waiting for an email from someone who will be able to help me get seen by a proper specialist in Southampton hospital.

But yeah generally doing much better then I was 🙂 just trying to make sure that I look after myself.

I have stopped making myself eat and sleep when “normal” people eat and sleep because my body is just not in a “normal” routine at all and trying to sleep from say 11 pm until 8 am and eat 3 meals a day is just not working for me at all and is actually quite stressful and I think maybe that is why I’ve been feeling agitated.

I’ve still been struggling to sleep so I’ve decided to sleep as and when I am sleepy, rather then forcing myself to sleep throughout the night because I am wide awake most mornings by 5 am, some days I just rest in the afternoon or I may nap it just depends.

Same with food I’ve been really struggling with eating again and I’ve not been eating proper meals purely because that’s not what my body is really wanting. So at the moment I’ve just been eating sandwiches.. not the best thing ever but I’ve tried to eat soup an other stuff but I’ve just not eaten it because just the thought of eating anything other then what I am makes me feel’s all very weird an complicated. But yeah just going with what my body wants rather then fighting against it and making myself feel stressed.

Peace out