Living my life to accommodate an illness I hate

I don’t know even where to start 1 because I am SO tired and 2 because I have scrappy doodles staring at me, which is kinda off putting. He wants to play but I’ve already played fetch since I got home earlier, he’s so damn cute it’s distracting lol!

Anyway since my last post I don’t feel much better but well enough to go out and see people. I hate being stuck in, I get so bored and when I get bored it really effects my mood and makes me feel low.

Friday I was getting extremely bored by around 3 pm, but I felt too tired and weak to go out and do anything. Sometimes when I feel tired I just don’t know what to do with myself and I find it hard to settle down to do anything at all. But I eventually decided on making cheese biscuits, it’s time consuming but has a tasty result. I enjoy it as well, I’ve always loved baking and cooking since I was small.

After I had made my cheese biscuits I then felt much more settled in myself, I was still really tired but less restless I suppose you can say. I then was able to sit down and play Lego Dimensions and I played for hours. I love this game so so much! Cannot get enough of it. I get totally sucked into the game and lose track of everything, it’s such a great distraction and I played all evening. Such a rock and roll Friday night lol!

Saturday was good, L and the boys came over, although it wasn’t such a happy start as Harvey has been extremely naughty! So I had to have words again and boo licked and cheese biscuit and put it back and when I said that was dirty he kicked off at me, so they both went in a naughty spot! Lil sods. But eventually after they had calmed down and done their time outs we went to a kiddies play area.

It was great as this time Albert is older and big enough to do everything by himself, without having to follow him around and help him. So we just relaxed and chatted for most of the time, but to start with I did go in with boo and show him around, he soon went off and played on his own though…well until he came back for a drink and a person walked past in a Lemur costume and he said its a scary bear, he was so nervous and wouldn’t go back in until it had gone. It was so flipping cute though.

Man was it loud in there! Especially as it was a Saturday and there were about 4-5 parties going on as well. It was a bit of sensory overload for me and was a relief when I got out. I find it hard to concentrate and process things properly when I am in a situation where its loud, bright, colourful etc. I was ok but as I wasn’t feeling 100% it almost exaggerates it.

After we all came back to mine, so the boys could have their dinner before heading home. When they left I fell asleep on the sofa for about an hour but I so so needed it.

I tired to eat my child portion microwave meal but I couldn’t eat it all, I’ll come back to the subject of appetite soon. I still felt exhausted, achy and a bit under the weather. So I took the pups for a wee and then got us all snuggled up in bed and I watched the film Legend, which I cannot get enough of. It’s so good and they got paranoid schizophrenic spot on! A must watch.

Woke up feeling a bit better this morning, had a bit of breakfast and just chilled out. Got showered and dressed and took the pups out for a wee. When I got in I had some time to kill before going out to my friends, so I went for a nap for a hour. I definitely needed it, I just can’t get enough sleep right now.

I got myself on the train to my friends house, even though I’ve done this trip before, I felt so anxious. I just don’t like trains, they make me feel trapped and I am always worried about getting lost. This is going down in my Mindout Positive me journal as something that made me proud today ๐Ÿ™‚

Had a good afternoon for Ravenoaks birthday, chilled out and chatted with everyone. Had some party food and even got cake!

Got dropped back to the train station and had to wait a bit for the train but that was ok, I’d rather be early then just on time.

The pups went insane when I walked through the door, scrappy cried and both were jumping all over me. Spent some time fussing over them and playing with them for a bit.

I did want to have a nap when I got in but I had other bits to do before chilling out.

So yeah that’s what I’ve been up too since my last post, it’s been good fun. I have struggled to get through it though, not because of my mood as that’s been alright. It’s been because of being sick on Wednesday and I’ve since struggled with my appetite…again.

Its so frustrating, just as I was back on track and eating properly, I get a set back. Some of it is because I am worried about being sick again and some of it is because my stomach is still a bit tender and I feel sick because I’m not eating properly and because I’m not eating properly I am just even more exhausted then I usually am, its such a vicious circle.

I find it so hard just to stop over thinking it and EAT! I have such a awful relationship with food anyway, which goes back to childhood and being forced to eat dinner even though I didn’t like it or wasn’t hungry. I’m not a foody person with a big appetite.

I know this will pass in time, its just such an annoying set back after all the hard work I put into eating better and properly. Its just like I have to work hard to do anything in my life, even simple things like eating. I can’t just eat, or I can’t just do anything without planning, or pacing myself, or whatever.

I just wish things were a bit simpler for me and I wish I didn’t have to live my life accommodating an illness that I just despise having. Having Granulomatosis with Polyangiitis not only causes me all the physical symptoms that I have but it also causes me so much emotional distress. It makes me angry, frustrated, down, depressed..etc but I get no emotional support for it. I got diagnosed at the age of 15 years old with this massive life changing condition and I got no help and I still don’t really and that in itself makes me really angry. Justifiably so as well because as I said I have to basically have to live my life around an illness that I do not want and hasn’t improved since my diagnosis.

Anyway I have eaten more today then I have since Wednesday, which is good and hopefully this will kick start my appetite back up again, as I certainly need a bit more energy.

I’m not looking forward to tomorrow afternoon, as someone is coming over from Diverse abilities to help me start my appeal for PIP, I just know its going to be so stressful and I just want it over with already. I know I can sort this and I will sort this because I am entitled to this money, I’m not a faker. I’m just emotionally, physically and mentally utterly exhausted and this is yet another battle to fight. It’s a pretty unnecessary fight as well because of our government, they are making it impossible for anyone to claim disability benefits, as they simply don’t want anyone on benefits…We won’t go down this road too far or I will just wind myself up even more.

Before this woman comes over, I have to do the housework as right now its a complete pit lol! and hasn’t been cleaned since Thursday. I feel extremely stressed already about tomorrow, definitely lots of mindfulness and relaxation is needed to get through and after I will have to do something nice to de-stress, like take the dogs out or play on the ps3 or have a sleep lol!

Going to wrap this up now as I’m tired and want to get to bed.

So how do I feel right now? I’m emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted. I’m feeling stressed about tomorrow but I know I will get it sorted and win my case. But I do feel ok and that’s ok.

Peace out

Batman

Another allergic reaction to yet another antibiotic

I’m ALIVE! YAY! although I still look a bit like a zombie because I’m exhausted. But I am more human today thankfully.

I am so glad I didn’t start my antibiotics on Friday, I took them Tues night before going to bed and I woke up early hours Wednesday morning with severe stomach pains and shortly after came sickness and diarrhea. This carried on until just after midday, thankfully it didn’t last any longer because I couldn’t take my pain killers until I could keep water down.

I was in agony from head to toe, I couldn’t stop sleeping, I was freezing, I was virtually blue because I was so cold. I couldn’t get warm, my feet were the worst they were like ice blocks.

Managed to get up long enough to ask my next door neighbour to take the pups out for a wee for me, as I just couldn’t stand up long enough to do it myself and I needed to try and keep warm. He was so great and happily took them out for me and I was so so grateful for that.

My food shopping delivery came and I managed to throw it all into the right places in the kitchen, before collapsing back onto the sofa.

I did manage to stomach some Pepsi and just plain bread before taking my meds and going to bed…yeah cuz I needed more sleep…lol!

I slept like a log last night, the best nights sleep in ages actually. I didn’t wake up till 9 am and I went to sleep at about 11 pm. But I so needed it after being so ill yesterday.

I stayed in bed until just gone half 10am but I’d let scrappy out on the balcony to pee and left my bedroom door open so the cats could come in and the pups could go get a drink or food. It was nice relaxing in bed watching tv with all the animals in bed with me ๐Ÿ™‚

I managed to do the housework and do like 3 loads of laundry, the housework took a bit longer then usual because I kept having to stop and sit down. But I did it and felt loads better for it, the flat was an absolute bomb site lol.

Went over the road with the pups and they were off like little rockets bless them, racing around chasing each other. Luckily there are benches over there because again I kept having to sit down because I felt so weak.

After getting back with the pups I thought I better try and eat something filling but plain, so I made myself some rice and I ate it all and felt better for it.

Just relaxed and watched tv, played with the laser pen and made all the animals go crazy lol!

Spent some time playing Lego Dimensions with the new Ghostbusters level pack and the Joker and Harley Quinn team pack. Love this game so much, it always makes me feel happy.

I felt well enough to try to eat a bit of dinner and luckily I had a portion of beef stroganoff that was in the fridge, which is what I was planning on having for dinner yesterday but it was still ok to eat today. I didn’t make anything to go with it though and I’m glad I didn’t because it filled me up just on its own. I feel less weak now and back to my normal self.

After I’d eaten I noticed that my note pad had a list of medications on there that I had written down on Monday after I did my pill box up. This list of medication were ones I needed to re-order but I hadn’t done that yet. I took the pups out for a quick wee first, dropped them back and then went back out to re-order my medications. Glad it’s all sorted and I will be able to pick them up Mon evening.

Just been catching up on internet stuff this evening, I feel loads better then I did this morning, I just feel exhausted…well more then usual anyway lol.

So by my count I am now allergic to 6 antibiotics, which is very frustrating when I need them because of my stupid immune system!

How am I feeling right now? Other then extremely tired, I feel ok. Just relieved that the sickness is over. But yeah feeling ok is better then feeling low.

That’s all from this boy right now, I need to go get some sleep.

Peace out

Batman

Thoracic medicine appointment

I had a great weekend but yeah totally paying for it today, I woke up exhausted and in so much pain.

I woke up about 6 am because I was in so much pain with my hips and knees. So I had breakfast and pain killers and I managed to get back to sleep on the sofa until 11 am.

When I woke up I had just enough time to get showered and dressed, take the pups out and sort myself out ready for my hospital appointment.

It takes an hour on the bus to get to the hospital and a hour back and an hour in there! Two buses there and two buses back.

Hospital appointment went well, sat in a box and did breathing tests and had a chest x-ray. He agrees with me that I need to be given a try of a different immune suppressant, he’s also going to write to my ENT doc to get him to see me regarding my reoccurring sinus infections and he is going to ask about another possible sinus rinse. I told him about my situation with atos and my benefits and he said its disgusting but he’ seeing it all the time. So yeah good appointment and my wind pipe is looking good as well and I see him in 6 months.

Got home, sorted out my med box for the week and sorted out my weekly planner with what bills and appointments I have, so I know where I need to be in the next fortnight.

I wanted to quickly hop on here to write about my appointment before I go and again and totally forget what he said lol!

It was a good appointment and I am so glad he’s totally on my side with everything I said to him, which is great and makes life so much easier when I don’t have to battle against them, because that makes it so stressful. He actually listens to what I say and he responds to what I say and sadly out of all the doctors I’ve seen in my lifetime that’s a very rare thing.

Anyway I’m feeling happy and content still, just tired and achy. I gotta get going to group now ๐Ÿ™‚

Peace out

Batman

Anger Issues and Great Friends

Sunday again..it seems to come around quicker every week and wow what a week it’s been.

How would I describe this week? Well this week has been filled with high emotion, mainly anger and frustration, with a bit of crying and some happy days. But the anger was really fucking intense, like I felt like the hulk and just wanted to smash everything. I hate feeling like that though because I feel so out of control and I kinda scare myself too..like is that normal? I don’t know, maybe it is.

My anger issues became worse after my dad died, which is a normal part of the grieving process and it did subside for a while. But since coming out as transgender my anger is a bit of a issue again, some days even smalls things makes my blood absolutely boil and I become angry in an instant.

It’s probably due to a number of things, like having issues with changing my details at my doctors and the fact he took so long to refer me to the gender clinic, which is another battle I have to fight. Then on top of that I am dealing with gender dysphoria, so disassociation from myself, mind and body. The frustration of constantly being misgendered and the fact I can’t bind my chest..yeah the list of frustrations about the transition as it is right now just goes on and on. I know I will be happier in the long run and it will be worth it, but it’s been a massive trigger for me not being able to control my anger. Through all of this crap though I’ve only resorted to cutting once ๐Ÿ™‚ which I am proud of because before I did DBT, if faced with a situation like this then I would have just succumbed to my self harm addiction and it would have totally taken over me and I would have had NO control. But because I have done DBT and I have grown as a person, the addiction, my dark passenger is no longer in control of me. I am totally in control of my dark passenger now and he’s never far behind me and he will probably always be with me, but right now my dark passenger has now power, I’ve taken the power back. In two and a half years I’ve only cut once and that’s just a huge thing for me, as at one point in my life I cut every single day. So yeah I have come a hell of a long way and I am extremely proud of myself for that.

I did a course on anger management, not for myself though. I did that course when I was working with young people, so it was about how to work with people with anger issues..anyway I mention this because I think I may still have the paper work some where and it could be useful for me to look at and do some of the worksheets…Might be worth a bash!

I am still doing my mindfulness, although the last few weeks it has been difficult to sit and do because I’ve either been too tired and it’s made me fall asleep or I’ve just not been calm enough or been able to get myself into a place where I have been able to sit and meditate. Next week is a fresh week and I will try again ๐Ÿ™‚ I do need some grounding and relaxation, I need to get back into my body and relax my body.

Since my last post I have had 3 good days and I do feel more relaxed and happier then I have done this past few weeks. I love that I have amazing network of friends around me now, a few years ago I didn’t and I would have just sunk. But now with my friends and my groups I can keep myself afloat.

Friday was really busy, the dogs had their haircut in the morning and I had the doctors in the afternoon and I spent 4 hours in the evening baking things for the weekend.

The doctors went ok, I have more antibiotics and if after them I still feel rough then I’ve gotta do a sputum sample and he will refer me back to ears, nose and throat. Also got to mention it to the chest doc tomorrow and see if he has any ideas about what we can do. My gp is going to back me up to the benefits people, as he’s been asked to do a report for ESA. So yeah I am really pleased about that. The last few times I’ve been to see him I’ve been really emotional lol and close to crying, out of sheer frustration. But he’s great and he’s such a lovely GP.

Saturday I did the housework in the morning and in the afternoon I had friends over for Foxy’s birthday party. Which was so much fun, all 4 dogs had a great time playing with each other and eating their little cakes. We also went for a short walk and got home just before it started raining.

H came over for a few hours, which was so great to see her as I know she is really struggling right now. So I really appreciated the fact she came over ๐Ÿ™‚

L and Harvey ended up staying the night, so that was cool. We had burger king for dinner and watched Batman films. I let Harvey have a go on my Lego Jurassic world game and he LOVED it lol and asked me to buy it for him, cheeky boy. So I said I might get it for his birthday if he’s a good boy.

After Harvey went to bed, L dyed her hair pink and we put a bit on foxy too lol. Then we watched Sinister 2 ๐Ÿ™‚ and I had to watch something funny after or I wouldn’t have slept lol!

L and Harvey left early this morning, so I could go nap for a bit. I then got on it like sonic, did the housework, put dinner on in the slow cooker, had a shower and took the pups out for a quick wee.

Then I was all calm and ready for my two friends who came over for dinner. They spent all afternoon until the evening with me, they enjoyed the dinner I made and I really enjoyed cooking it. E had brought over a crumble that she had made and that was so yum. We played the card game that E taught me how to play and I really love it ๐Ÿ™‚

So yes a great 3 day which I totally needed, I am extremely blessed to have these people in my life. I hope I lift them up as much as they lift me up.

This week isn’t too busy, I have the hospital tomorrow and group social in the evening, that’s if I feel ok enough. I have my 1:1 gender counselling Tues and Mindout LGBT mental health group social on Thursday and I am hoping to feel well enough to go to my friends boy’s birthday party ย on Sunday.

Apart from tomorrows appointment, I am looking forward to this week. I do have lots to sort out, I need to look through my bills and see what I can cut or get down a bit. Need to ring Diverse abilities again to get an appointment with someone to help sort out my ESA. I just need to get super organised and stock up on essentials for me and the pups, in hope to take the pressure off when my money goes down in two weeks from this Tues.

Urgh when I did I get so grown up and have to deal with all this lol! I hate this adult stuff, I want a refund! It is NOT as it was advertised.

How am I feeling right now in this moment after writing this blog? Well I am extremely tired and I wasn’t going to write but I kinda needed too and I feel so much better for it, I always do. I feel happy and I suppose you could say I feel content in this moment, I feel relaxed too. I also feel strong, strong enough to sort my benefits out, strong enough to win this fight. I know there will be times when I won’t feel strong. But in this moment I feel very strong and capable, this is down to cooking for friends this evening, I feel proud of myself for that.

Here are some pics from the last few days

ย Me looking and feeling hella fly!

ย My beautiful foxy girl after her haircut.

ย Harvey

ย Foxy, Scrappy and Arnie ๐Ÿ™‚

ย Benny and Arnie ๐Ÿ™‚

Peace out

Batman

Benefits SUCK…continued..

WOW my previous post was rather positive at the end lol, I always seem to be able to be positive, I have NO idea where/why or how I continue. Like seriously how how do I do this?! I really don’t get it, I suppose it’s because I don’t have a choice. Well I do but then I would die a female and I don’t want that. So I am sort of stuck..stuck with this body that is wrong for so many fucking reasons, stuck with this bullshit government for the next 4 years. Being in this limbo is horrible, it’s the worst place ever. Definitely feel like I am stuck in some kind of purgatory right now. It’s like I am screaming as loud as I can but no one can hear me, it’s horrible.

I have had even more fucking shit news and have been screwed over YET again my that cock at number 10 Mr Cameron! My money has been cut AGAIN! So yeah I’m screwed… and I have to appeal this as well. Although I am not going to attempt to ring anyone or whatever until Monday because I just cannot deal with it right now and I want to enjoy the rest of the week and weekend. Plus I need the anger to subside otherwise nothing will productive will come out of my brain or my mouth lol.

I just cannot believe that as someone with all the health issues that I have, that I have to appeal to get money to live on because I am unable to work. It is beyond disgusting and I didn’t think I would have any issues with this at all and I did keep thinking maybe I was just being cocky…and yes it proves that I was! But seriously it’s disgusting and people who are even sicker then me are being denied benefits! It’s outrageous! It’s sick that in this world right now, unless you are elite you simply don’t matter. We are just their little pawns in all of this.

I could write pages and pages about how I HATE this world right now, there are parts of the world I love, I love the progress the LGBT community has made even in the last year and many other communities. But I hate what this world has become, maybe because I now am seeing the worlds through an adults eyes and because I believe I am awakened and I see what is going on, I see through what is put out by the media, I see through all the propaganda. I have learnt not to trust everything I read or even see in the news. I have learnt to question everything because of how the world is right now. I want to see this world as a child again, it was less scary, less depressing, less hopeless.

So how am I feeling…I am stressed, really fucking stressed. But right this second I am trying really hard to be mindful and to stay in the moment because right this second I cannot do anything about my situation about my benefits and I’m not going to until Monday because I want to enjoy the rest of the week and weekend and reboot for the fight that I have on my hands.

I’m still fighting a sinus infection too, that I’ve had since well forever it feels like. Yesterday all I could do was sleep, I was just so exhausted and so achy and I felt so weak, feeble and helpless, that sleep was pretty much the only option. I ached that much I had to go back to bed and not on the sofa like I usually do for a nap, as I needed something to support my joints a bit more. I see my GP tomorrow and I am going to ask him to refer me back to ears nose and throat. Something is obviously going on, that is beyond the help of antibiotics alone. I’ve had 3 weeks worth so far and they’ve not touched it.. I think I needed my sinuses cleared out again, it’s been a few years since that was last done.

Actually I have a hospital appointment on Monday for thoracic medicine, this hospital currently has an our break of the norovirus. This is raging through the wards and they have actually shut wards down because of it. I always get paranoid going to hospitals when they have an outbreak of anything, even though I won’t be going to the wards I will still be in the building. Anyway I will also be able to talk to this doc about my sinus issues and see if he can help or suggest anything.

I have one bit of awesome news today though and that’s M from Mindout asked me if I wanted to be a volunteer at the Bournemouth group as well as the Weymouth group ๐Ÿ™‚ I obviously accepted because I love being part of that group and I love being able to share my experience and the things I have learned that have helped me. Although this means I have to be really nice to everyone even if I feel like I want to punch them in the face….I don’t feel like that really.. ๐Ÿ˜‰ lol! No it’s cool and will be good fun and I think my first session I will be taking will be about mindfulness. M does have a knack for making me cry…I don’t know what it is, out of all the counsellors, therapists and even friends and partners, I do not cry in front of ANYONE. But I have now cried twice, proper bawling my eyes out, with snot and everything! Just rudeness lol, but I never feel embarrassed or stupid. It’s weird… maybe its cuz I know she won’t hug me, or try and make it better and she just lets me be. I don’t know how to explain it or why it’s happened twice now. But crying for me is an massive issue, like it’s just not something I do and if I do, then I cry alone and don’t tell anyone about it. Stiff upper lip and all that British-ness..lol and manliness lol.

My head is hurting now as are my joints, so I need to wrap this up and get myself into bed so I can rest enough to deal with another day. Actually tomorrow isn’t that awful, the pups have the groomers in the morning and then I have to doctors in late afternoon.

My beautiful Foxy girl is 4 years old today ๐Ÿ™‚ She got a new laser pen, which all 4 of them love and on Saturday she is having a party with her doggy friends…I know some would think its a bit sad but I do not care!

ย Foxy with her new bandanda ๐Ÿ™‚

Peace out

Batman

I will never stop fighting – Benefits suck!

Ah Sunday evening…which means I have another week ahead of me to deal with! Urghย Undecidedย and I have a few battles to deal with this week.

I had some shit news through the post and WOW it’s utterly disgusting and I got so mad! So my disability living allowance benefit was ending so I had to re-apply but for something called personal independent payment, which is the same benefit just different name. I had to fill out a form and go for a face to face assessment with a physiotherapist who doesn’t know me or anything about my illnesses. Anyway whatever she wrote was obviously a load of SHIT! Because a few things weren’t mentioned like the fact I walked in with my walking stick and my recent manic episode. It goes by a points system and you have to get between 8-12 points to qualify for this benefit. I got 4 fucking points! and that was because I have a stool in my shower and a stool in the kitchen, it didn’t take into consideration anything else. My assessment was 2 hours long, I may as well have sat there and said fuck all! because it wouldn’t have made a difference. It’s disgusting it really is, I am ill, I am unable to work. Yet all of a sudden I am not ill enough to be awarded (which sounds like I’ve won a lottery or something, which it pretty much is) this money. If anything my condition has got worse over the years! I mean WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!

Now I have to appeal this bullshit, another battle I have to find the strength for. But there is a charity called Diverse Abilities who I can use to help me with this process. I’ll sort that out tomorrow at some point, but the sooner I sort it out the better. So I will push myself to get on it.

Despite all this bullshit going on, I still managed to have a good weekend and I tried just to put it all to the back of my mind. Which I managed for the most part.

I did the housework Saturday morning, sorted out a place for Harvey to sleep in my bedroom.

I left to go pick him up and as soon as I walked in Albert wanted to fight me and Harvey was showing my minecraft stuff.

Harvey and I got the bus to Poole, which takes so LONG! We were just chatting about all sorts ๐Ÿ™‚ He’s so grown up now, love being able to have proper conversations now.

Grabbed him some lunch, stopped at the post office to post something to a friend’s kids. We had a look in a few shops while on our way down to the comic book shop. WOW I could stay in that shop all day long and buy like everything Batman. I got myself a comic and Harvey picked a deadpool comic.

We went and picked up the dogs and went for a walk down baiter. It was freaking cold down there by the sea and at one point I picked up foxy and put her in my jacket because she was shaking so much lol. Harvey had fun climbing across the rocks and the pups had fun running about and my crazy scrappy even went in the sea for a swim. I enjoyed the walk, it was definitely refreshing.

I took ages to warm up when we got in and I hurt so much, because I’d got so cold and I was standing around waiting for Harvey to climb over the rocks.

We chilled out watching both of the Ghostbusters films which was cool, I love these films as I grew up watching them and it’s great to share that with Harvey too.

H came over for the evening which was nice, Harvey asked my several times if she was coming over. He adores her so much, I love watching them together, it’s just so lovely.

Treated Harvey to pizza hut and I definitely deserved a treat. He’s a growing boy and ate 3 slices of pizza, which was about how much I ate.

We just chilled out chatting, watching tv. Harvey said he was hungry…and I don’t really have snack foods in, so I went to pick up some munch for my boy and my meds too.

Whilst I was out H and Harvey were having an argument about speed running, as Harvey didn’t believe that H can do it and that she’s 11th in the world. So H set up my ps2 and speed ran through Jak and Daxer at any percent. Harvey loved it, he sat and watched and asked lots of questions about what she was doing. H timed it and everything to prove to him, it was so funny.

Put him to bed after the speed running fun, it was 10:30 pm! H left too as she was intending to stay that long lol! Was good of her to stay and show Harvey.

I was just chilling, watching tv and playing on my tab. But I kept feeling anxious, like I felt sick to my stomach. I hate anxiety so much, I’ve not had bad anxiety like that for a while. It feels like I am about to die or my hearts about to beat out of my chest.

The anxiety settled a bit eventually, after lots of deep breathing and mindfulness. I didn’t get the bed until 2 am though, as I knew I wouldn’t sleep if I went to bed as anxious as I was.

I didn’t wake up until 9:30 am and Harvey was already awake but just being quiet playing on his phone.

We just relaxed, watched Cartoon Network and I had a nap for a bit on the sofa. I could have done with a bit more sleep but I had to get us over to L’s.

It didn’t take long to get me, Harvey and the pups ready to go. We headed out in the freezing cold to get the bus, I so hope it doesn’t snow..boo.

Harvey and I nodded off on the bus lol! I woke up just as we got to the stop before the one we had to get off at! PHEW!

The pups were all happy to see each other and Arnie was so happy to see me that he pissed all over me…. What if humans did that lol!

Just relaxed playing with Albert and the pups and talking to L too ๐Ÿ™‚ while she was sorting out dinner.

Dinner was SO nice and I even managed to get Albert to say and eat carrot! WOOHOO! He’s hit terrible twos and is really fussy with his food at the moment. He’s such a funny boy though.

I did my manly duties and did the washing up for L ๐Ÿ™‚ I dropped a plate in the washing up bowl and I managed to get bubbles on scrappy’s head! which he didn’t notice right away.

I didn’t want to stay too late, as I am tired and wanted to just go home and relax. But before I left I had to sort out Harvey’s ps3 as he’d accidentally put another disc in when there was already a disc in there, luckily I managed to get both of them out!

Me and the pups got back just before 6 pm, the flat was so cold. I stuck the heating on high and put my joggy bottoms on, my hips were aching and needed some comfy, soft trousers.

So ages ago when scrappy was small, he ate a wire that connected the sky box and internet. But I’ve finally got around to getting another wire…which I got before xmas lol! and I’ve been meaning to sort it out since then. But I was feeling hella manly so I decided to do a bit of DIY! and used tower cable clips to attach the wire to the wall, up and above the curtain rail. Surprisingly it didn’t take too long to do and I didn’t injure myself! WOOHOO!

Still feeling manly and like I needed to DO something, I sat and painted some boxes black. I am waiting for them to dry before I can cover them in PVA glue, so the paint won’t flake off. I made lots of mess and the cats ran across the sheet I was using and now I have foot prints on the kitchen floor! Cannot wait to cover them in glue tomorrow ๐Ÿ˜€ eeep.

Just been chilling this evening and the pups have been asleep since we got in. They are always shattered after seeing Arnie ๐Ÿ™‚ least they’ve had good fun and I did too. I am really tired too but I needed to get this all out before I can sleep tonight.

My plan for tomorrow is to contact Diverse abilities to start this appeal. I am going to cover my boxes with glue, I’ve got to do the housework at some point and I might put one of my new Lego sets together. I then have my trans group social in the evening, which I am looking forward too. We are starting up our formal therapy sessions again on the 2nd of Feb at over the rainbow, so looking forward to that as well ๐Ÿ™‚

I’m feeling MUCH better then I did yesterday, I’m not angry, depressed or anxious now. I’ve just accepted what has happened and what I have to do to fix it and I will make sure that I take extra care of myself while going through all of this.

“Accept the things you cannot change & change the things you can” Something I try and live by and it really helps in situations like I am right now with my benefits.

I love taking pictures.

Harvey having fun climbing across the rocks.

ย My beautiful boy ๐Ÿ™‚

ย Bournemouth balloon looks so pretty at night.

I got nice and messy, it is the best! I love getting messy.

ย Really tired pups โค

Even with all the bullshit I have to deal with, from my health, dealing with doctors, medications and side effects, benefits, gender stuff… I still come out fighting and I have now idea how, or even why sometimes. But I do, there’s a fire within me that burns because I want to live and I want to keep my independence, I want to keep my animals, I want to keep my life how it is right now. My life is no where NEAR perfect and I am always a work in progress and I will always keep fighting and when I think I can’t I have a handful of friends that I know will help carry me until I can fight again. I am very blessed to have them in my life โค

I am proud of how far I have come, I was a different person now then I was say 4-5 years ago. I am a much better person then I was but like I said I am a work in progress, I am not aiming for perfection, I just want to be the best me I can be ๐Ÿ™‚

I needed to end this post on a positive note, to remind myself that I am a good person and I have worked hard with my therapy to change bad behaviours etc. And to remind everyone, it’s never to late for change and you can change.;:

ย  ๐Ÿ™‚

Peace out

Batman

This journey sucks right now!

I don’t really have a lot to say, other then my mood is pretty low at the moment, mainly due to gender dysphoria and because I threw up last night…not sure what the cause was :/

I’m just tired, emotionally drained. Like I need a rest but how do you rest your emotions. I mean I try and take care of my emotional needs but it’s difficult because emotions are not really something that you can get rid of, it’s not like being tired and needing to sleep. Even using my DBT skills can be emotionally draining, disassociating from my body every day is emotionally draining. But if I don’t do either I will be worse…it’s such a catch 22 situation, whatever I do I’ll be worse off. So where do I go from here? I just don’t know but I know I have to carry on because I have no choice. Death will never be an option until I am old because if I die now I die a female and that’s not what I want, I want to die as a man.

Got lots to distract me this weekend, so at least I’ll be safe… for now. That’s not to say I won’t be safe after but I don’t know where my emotions will take me right now.

I keep thinking I have made my life harder with this transition. But I have to remind myself that my mental health has been much better since coming out as transgender but again it’s swings and roundabouts. Short term I have to deal with the gender dysphoria and all the shit that brings but I know in the long term I will be a happier person.

It’s just frustrating when I am stuck in this limbo waiting to be seen at the gender clinic. Meh… :/

This is probably the most depressing post I’ve written in a while. People think that I have it altogether and I cope, I am very good at acting, I’ve learnt that over the years. I have to cope and have myself together because I have nothing to fall back on. If I fall I have to pick myself back up and that’s difficult. I know I have some lovely friends around me to help. But it isn’t their job to look after me and I will only become a burden, so I have to do it myself. I know my counsellor would disagree with this, but I do and will accept help from friends but I am very protective of my heart and don’t let people close easily, because I’ve been hurt millions of times before and I don’t want to be hurt again. My heart is still in pain from losing my dad and I don’t think that will ever go away. I have to look after myself, sometimes its a good thing, sometimes not but I don’t want to risk it.

Peace out

Batman

I hate my body!

Quick post as it is 10 pm and I don’t think I have much to write…but we will see.

So I’ve had a pretty awesome day but that’s not the main reason for this post.

This morning I did my housework and then met a friend who I did DBT with a few years ago, so that was nice to catch up. We hadn’t met up since early September last year, so it was great to catch up for a few hours. I am going to try really hard to meet up with her more often because she’s really lovely. She was asking me lots of questions about my transition today and that was cool, I’m always happy to answer questions.

I felt a migraine coming on when I got in, so I took my sumatriptan and led on the sofa with the pups and rested for a bit.

H popped over for just over an hour which was nice to see her ๐Ÿ™‚ even if it was a brief visit.

I made myself some more cheese biscuits because they are easy to make and they are so nice. This time I used more cheese though ๐Ÿ™‚ and it was definitely made it better.

I then made beef stroganoff, which I have never ever made before and I’d never even eaten it until xmas eve. I think I made it pretty well ๐Ÿ™‚ it was really nice. I made rice to go with it and I ate it all, put I have enough to freeze 3 portions.

I then did the washing up as I pretty much used every pan and utensil in the entire kitchen lol! So it’s all sorted now, so I don’t have to worry about it tomorrow before group.

Still felt full of energy for some reason, so I took the pups for a short walk down to the water and back through the high street. It was nice to get out even if we did get soaked lol.

Got in had a nice warm shower, put on a load of washing and here I am. Pups are chilling next to me drying off and warming up ๐Ÿ™‚

My main reason for this post is my gender dysphoria because today and the last few days it’s been pretty shit.

My stupid body is trying to have a shark week (please google this if you are unsure) Which in itself is stressful but my man boobs are bigger and because I cannot bind, I think they are sticking out more even through my hoodie, I am usually able hide them under my hoodie. At the moment I am very conscious of them and I fucking hate them! like really fucking hate them!

I have also put on like 3lbs so I am 9st and my stomach is bloated. But I feel so fucking fat and horrible because of it! If the weight gain carries on I will be cutting my quetiapine down to 25mgs again!!

I just hate my body so fucking much right now and there is NOTHING I can do about it! URGH! It’s so frustrating.

I am going to try again to find a sports top to help flatten my chest down a bit because the binder is just too much. But I am not holding out much hope that it will make me feel any better.

My appointment for the gender clinic cannot come soon enough! I hope this shark week stops and everything deflates again!

I am so so frustrated with it all and there’s nothing I can do about it. Other then keep doing my DBT skills and self care to keep me stable and safe.

So yeah…that’s how I am feeling right now. I am happy that I’ve had a good day and managed to make myself a meal I’ve never made before. But I am extremely unhappy with my body and how it makes me feel right now.

That’s all for now.

Peace out

Batman

This is what a good week feels like :)

I have had a long, busy but good week. I don’t really know where to start.

I’m feeling good though, despite the joint pain and the lingering sinus infection, I’ve been able to maintain a stable mood.

I was going to do a video blog this weekend but didn’t get around to it. Going to definitely try and do one at some point this week.

Mon 4th – I don’t remember much from Monday, as it’s so long ago now lol. I probably did the housework in the morning but I do remember I had a friend and her pup over in the afternoon for a few hours which was cool, I got us burger king for lunch and then we chilled out. I made myself a nice steak dinner.

Tues – 5th Just relaxed for most of the day until I had to go over to pick up Arnie from L’s as she was in hospital with an asthma attack. Didn’t really do much the rest of the day other then play with the pups and game.

Wednesday 6th – In the morning I did the housework, took the pups for a run and then picked up my nephew.

I looked in a few shops on the way back to mine with Leo, when we got back to mine I set Leo on the floor with his toys but he was happy playing with the pups lol.

I put dinner on in the slow cooker, sausage and bean casserole. Not made it for a while and it was really nice.

Lunch time, I fed Leo and I had something to eat too. He was getting sleepy so he went down for a nap for and hour. Whilst he was sleeping I filled out my forms for ESA. Not sure if they will be able to read it though, my writing is awful.

Played with Leo and the pups after his nap, then took him home.

I had dinner and chilled out for an hour or so, I was so so tired!

Then got the bus to take Arnie home, only stopped there for 10 mins and then walked over to my friends house, T&C. We exchanged our Christmas presents which was cool, they got me some nice things. I didn’t stay too late because I needed to get home to sleep.

Thursday 7th – I had a chilled out morning, then went to my Mindout LGBTQ mental health group. It was a good session ๐Ÿ™‚ I took part of the session where we talked about trans stuff, like the difference between trans and transvestite etc. They all loved the word search too ๐Ÿ™‚

After group I went to the hospital to get my bone density scan done, didn’t have to wait around too long and was pretty much in and out.

I don’t remember what happened in the evening, I’m tired so my brain fog is really bad right now.

Friday 8th – I slept well again, my sleep has been loads better since being on the 50 mgs of Quetiapine and my appetite has been better too. I’ve put on a 3lbs but as long as I don’t put on any more I will stay on this dose.

Had the Weymouth Mindout group and again I took part of the session on trans stuff and again it went well and I really enjoyed it ๐Ÿ™‚ I also got called gentleman by a police officer while I was tidying up.

Just chilled out in the evening, playing with the pups and the cats. I did the housework before going to bed so I didn’t have to worry about it over the weekend.

Saturday 9th – Had a relaxing morning, I took the pups across the road for a quick run an wee.

I watched a few animated Batman films and put my new Batman Lego set together which didn’t take long at all.

Spent time playing with the pups trying to tire them out. Didn’t really work though.

I spent a few hours gaming, playing blur. Ah love it! I got so into it, I kept shouting when I failed lol!

In the evening I had a friend over, we had Pizza hut, we talked and we watched a film called Sucker Punch, which is a top favourite of mine. After we went for a short walk with the dogs down the the Quay and back. It was nice spending time with E and she said today that it helped her too ๐Ÿ™‚

Sunday 10th – I slept until 11 am which was much needed. I got showered and dressed, went into town and got myself chilli cheese bites for lunch, I went to Asda to get a few bits in that I needed.

Had some lunch and messaged and friend to see if her and her dog wanted to go for a walk, so she came and picked me and the pups up. We went to Hamworthy park and we as got there is rained so so hard! It didn’t last long though thankfully, we were able to get out and walk the pups. They all got nice and wet and muddy! and me and F got some nice fresh air, which is always a good thing.

Came back to mine after the walk, towel dried off all the pups. Watched The Lego Movie ๐Ÿ™‚ and just chatted more. Which was really nice.

After I made some cheese biscuits, which were so simple to make and didn’t take long at all. I did it all by hand as I don’t have a blender, only a hand blender and that made a bit of a mess lol! But they are so nice but next time I will definitely use a bit more cheese.

Just been relaxing this evening ๐Ÿ™‚ and writing this has taken up most of my evening, but I don’t mind.

I have a bit of a quieter week a head, got my 1:1 gender counselling, will be meeting with a few different friends at some point or another, pups are both having their hair cut on Friday and obviously Mindout group on Thursday. So yeah should be a good week.

I am going to try and make myself a beef stroganoff at some point this week as I really enjoyed it when I had it Christmas eve. So I am going to see if I can cook it as well, I don’t see why not. A resolution of mine, which I just thought of today is to try and learn how to cook different meals, rather then just cook the same old thing all the time. I need to learn to cook different meals to mix it up a bit and maybe this will help with my food issues.

I do find cooking difficult for a few different reasons, one is the fact it takes energy and causes me joint pain. But with the stool that’s eased it a lot, so I can enjoy it more. I struggle with concentration and will wander away from what I am doing, so I can re-focus myself.. Although it has been known I stop to do something else getting completely engaged and nearly burning down the flat! and I struggle with timing as well, my maths is ok-ish. But I get the concept of time but I struggle with what 5 minutes feels like because sometimes 5 minutes to me feels like an hour..so I find it hard to judge time… haha I just got side tracked to see if I could find out why I can’t really judge how long a period of time is but couldn’t find anything. It’s probably the adhd and dyslexia. But anyway yeah it takes a LOT of energy, organisation and brain power for me to cook a meal, I can’t just do it on auto pilot, even meals I’ve cooked before I still have to look at the recipe to make sure it’s right.

Anyway that’s enough from me. I will let you all know if the cooking a new dish goes well for me or not…fingers crossed it will ๐Ÿ™‚

Oh I did have some awesome things happen this week, I got called Sir and Gentleman both on a separate occasion. So I was well happy with that ๐Ÿ™‚ it sadly doesn’t happen often at the moment. I’m sure it will in time and further along my transition.

ย Picture of Benny and the pups playing ๐Ÿ™‚

ย Cheese biscuits.

ย New Lego set

ย Harley and Marley ๐Ÿ™‚

Scrappy, Arnie and Foxy all watching me eat dinner lol!

Peace out

Batman

What self care means to me and how it keeps me well

Ah self care day ๐Ÿ™‚ It was very much needed and I feel better for it.

Part of being able to stay well (as I can) with my physical health and my mental health is down to making time to look after myself and my needs, as it is easy to forget to look after me because sometimes I don’t feel important, so it’s easier to make sure everyone else is ok.

Depending on how many groups and appointments I have on in one week I will have about 2-3 days a week, where I will rest and take care of my needs.

So what does a self care day consist of for me, well I start by having breakfast and if the housework needs doing I’ll do that. It may not sound very relaxing but if all my housework and laundry is done then it is one less thing to worry about. Also when I have cleaned up my head feels more in order and it generally makes me feel better.

I then have a shower and get dressed, in nice fresh clothes. I then have some lunch, which usually depends on what I fancy.

Depending on the weather and my physical health is dependant on what I do next. So if the weather is good and my pain levels are ok, I will take the pups out for a walk somewhere. If the weather is good but my pain levels are bad then I will just take the pups out for a wee and maybe just sit across the road with them and watch them play for a bit…You get the idea.

But if my pain is really bad it usually makes my mood low, so I just do things at home to make myself feel better. I take my pain meds every 4 hours, I take tramadol and paracetamol. I have my hot water bottle pretty much attached to me, to help ease the pain. I will take a nap as being in pain is so damn exhausting. I make sure I eat and drink things that I fancy. I watch tv, game, meditate, colour my colouring books and generally just relax.

That’s what I do on a specific day I set aside to relax and take care of my needs. But there are things that I do every day which is also making sure my needs are met and everything is ok. It’s hard work maintaining “normality” when you don’t know how you will feel mentally and physically from one day to the next and fighting with the brain fog to remember things is sometimes like wading through mud.

So every day things may seem ordinary to people who don’t have mental health or physical health issues, but they are more important then you know.

Every Monday I refill my pill box up for the week and if I need to re-order stuff I make sure that goes on my todo list. I do the housework every other day and do the laundry when the basket is full. Like I said earlier, a tidy house equals a tidy mind. It’s also good for your self esteem, don’t ask me why I just know it makes me feel pride about myself.

Also on a Monday I write a list of what I am doing and what day for that week, any appointments will be written on the calender. But I find if I write it out again on a weekly basis it helps me combat the brain fog and helps me to remember. On the list I also write when I get my benefits and what bills come out when e.g electric, rent, phone bill..etc. This a very important part of my life, it’s important I don’t miss any appointments. It is also very important that I know what money is going out and when and that I make sure I pay my rent on time and have plenty of electric. This list will sit on my laptop which is by the sofa on the side I sit, so I see it every morning to check what’s on for that day.

Having a shower or bath is part of most people’s daily routine but when you have physical and mental health issues such a small task becomes a massive chore. I myself don’t often struggle with the lack of motivation to shower because I simply can’t get dressed if I haven’t had a shower because I feel all gross…yes its weird lol. Anyway since getting my stool for my shower I find it much less taxing and I find it less of a chore, I am also now able to take a shower in the evening to ease any pain I am in because of the stool. But yeah having a shower and taking care of my personal hygiene also lifts my self esteem ๐Ÿ™‚ and makes me feel confident.

Sleep, sleep is very important to my physical and mental health. Insomnia kicked off my last manic episode. I have to take 50mgs of Quetiapine a night in order to sleep a bit but I still struggle some nights. On the nights I struggle to sleep or feel I might, I make sure I have a full belly, I try and make sure I will be warm or cool enough, if I am in pain then I will take a warm relaxing shower with my lavender baby wash. I get all snuggled up in bed with the pups and listen to a guided meditation on an app called Stop, Breathe & Think and it always helps me get to sleep.

If I wake up early which sometimes I do, usually because I am in pain or its just insomnia. So I get up, pee, eat breakfast if I’m hungry, take pain meds and watch tv for a bit. I will then either go back to bed and sleep or I will just fall asleep on the sofa. If I am having a bad day with my physical health then I will have a nap during the day as well to keep me going.

Food is important to keep you going and to help keep your physical health well. I sometimes struggle with my lack of appetite but with all my physical health issues it’s not surprising. But I do try my best to have breakfast and dinner, sometimes I am hungry enough to have lunch as well. I try and eat a proper home cooked meal every day but also have the odd take away. I have a perching stool for my kitchen, so it makes cooking and washing up so much easier and I enjoy cooking again. I sometimes cook meals in the slow cooker, so it will make enough for me to freeze, so on a bad pain day when I don’t feel like cooking all I have to do is microwave something. If I don’t really have an appetite for a meal I will at least try and eat little an often, as I need to take my meds on a full stomach.

As I am unable to work due to my health issues, I spend a lot of time at home being ill with my physical health. Being alone too much effects my mental health and makes me feel very low. I attend two support groups once a week, which I really enjoy and some weeks they are the only people I see.

One group is called Breakfree, we meet on a Monday evening 7-9pm. It’s a therapy/support group for people who are transgender or who are questioning their gender. I have met some amazing friends in this group ๐Ÿ™‚ some who I now class as my family.

The other group is called Mindout which is an affiliate of National Mind. It’s a drop in support group for people who are LGBTQ who have mental health issues. Again I have met some great friends in this group ๐Ÿ™‚

These two groups keep me afloat and give me what I need to keep learning about myself, my transition and my continuing recovery. I can’t stress how important these groups are too me, they help me meet my emotional needs.

I also have 1:1 gender identity counselling once a fortnight, which is with the same guy that runs the Breakfree group. Which is so refreshing to speak to a counsellor who has first hand knowledge of what it’s like to live with a long term illness. I’ve also learnt a lot about myself and my past makes much more sense too. This like the groups is important to meeting my emotional needs.

In 2015 I built up a better support network of friends, who have been so great to me. I cannot wait to spend 2016 making some great memories with them all โค Spending time with my friends and making memories with them is so so important. Even if it’s just hanging out at mine, with pizza and movies and my wonderful friends, it’s better then being alone.

So yes this is how I look after myself, this is my self care. This is how I control my bipolar on a low dose of Quetiapine and make the most of my life. It’s incredibly hard work and yes there are days where I don’t even make it off the sofa, but ya know what?! That’s totally fine too, I like having a day where I do absolutely nothing, some days all I am able to do is eat and sleep and that’s ok because that’s what my body needs.

My life is by no means perfect, I still mess up, I forget to pay a bill now and again or forget to take my pain meds on time. I still have really low days, I still really struggle with life in general.

But living with life changing physical health issues and mental health issues makes me view life a little differently to most and it has certainly made me stronger then I ever thought I could be. Life has thrown me so many curve balls last years, I watched as my health went down hill and there was nothing I could do to stop it or make it better. But I came out fighting and I came out a better person for it. Some days I didn’t know if I could go on, or if I could take any more but some how I go through, there is a fire deep inside that keeps burning, that keeps pushing me to go forward. I think it’s my desire to live my life for as long as I can with the best quality of life because one day my illness will kill me and I do worry and get scared about my future, but it’s out of my hands. I want to make sure I make the most of my life because I don’t know when it will end, yes anyone can say that but with a unpredictable condition such as mine its all that more urgent.

All of these things that I have written about, help me make the most of my life and help me stay out of hospitals of both kinds.

To those who read this, who are in the same position as me, I hope this will be of some value to you and I do wish you well.

Please feel free to comment and if you have any requests on a subject you would like me to write about then just ask and I will try my best to write a decent blog for you ๐Ÿ™‚

Peace out

Batman