Not feeling myself at all

Its been a week since I updated last and that’s mainly because I haven’t done much and I haven’t been feeling quite myself either, I’ve been feeling a bit empty and lost, something I haven’t felt for a while.

I’m finding it hard to think of anything to write about as like I’ve said I’ve not done much and my mood has been pretty low. I hate feeling empty and lost but I don’t even know what’s caused this, which is even worse because I don’t know how to fix it.

I hate my body right now because my man boobs are so swollen and sore, reminding me I am  genetically female.. yeah like I need a reminder. I don’t know why they are, I am hoping it stops soon because this is not helping at all. I have been disassociating from my body way too much but it helps me cope with the gender dysphoria but long term it makes me disconnect from my whole self, which is possibly why I’ve been feeling empty and lost. I’m going to do some meditation before bed tonight just to ground myself and see if that helps.

Isolation hasn’t helped with how I’ve been feeling, I’ve seen like 4 people in 2 weeks. First it started out with just needing a bit of time out and then I got ill so I had isolation forced upon me, as I felt too ill to go anywhere and it just got worse from there. I’ve literally been spending my days waking up and then waiting for bed time again with the middle part being incredibly bored.

I have had to good days out this week thanks to my bro, he’s such a good brother. On Tues we went for a drive with the pups and stopped at a few places so they could go run around, which they loved. Scrappy did loads of swimming about and getting muddy lol and Foxy kept sitting in the pushchair with Leo. On Fri he took me to Monkey world for the day and that was awesome fun, I love it there. We had a little drive on the way home which was nice. It’s taken me 2 days to recover though, I slept for 13 hours Fri night and didn’t wake up still gone 1pm Saturday afternoon, haven’t slept that long in ages and today I’ve struggled to stay awake because all I’ve wanted to do is sleep. Think I am over the worst of it now, feeling much less drowsy. On these two days my mood was much better because I was occupied and not alone.

Next week I am pretty booked up and busy, which is good. It means I have to get out and about at a reasonable time and do stuff and be social. Hopefully it will help me to feel myself again. Its such a weird feeling not feeling myself but I can’t really explain it either, its just weird.

I so don’t want to take the pups out tonight, its raining so hard out! It has been for most of the day. Thought it was meant to be spring! haha, typical British weather.

Really don’t have much else to say…my mind has gone blank and well there’s nothing much in there anyway lol. So I shall wrap this up for now and hopefully I’ll have something more interesting to write about soon.

Peace out

Batman

Decoupage – My new hobby

Ah yet another Sunday has rolled around and it is the first day of spring 🙂 it didn’t start getting dark until 6:45 pm and the pups and I managed to catch the last bit of sunshine before it disappeared for the day.

So I am able to write a today that isn’t about my shit life but about the positive and good day I have had. YES a short relief from the utter crap that is my life, it was due.

Got up at a reasonable hour this morning and didn’t go back to sleep…shocking! I did the housework as well, again something I’ve not done properly for a few weeks. Had a shower and got dressed and took the pups across the road for a run.

I saw a thing in tv the other morning about doing different arts and crafty bits to do over Easter and one thing jumped out at me and it is called decoupage, its where you get scraps of well anything like tissue paper, paper etc and you glue it onto whatever surface you choose. So I got a box and cut a square and some holes and started to cover it with tissue paper. Not only did I really enjoy this but it looks so effective as well, this box is for the cats to play in. I have other boxes that the cats play in that I can do the decoupage too 🙂 This has really helped lift my mood today as I feel like I’ve done something really productive and fun.

Its amazing how something so simple can change my mood so dramatically, but its definitely a new hobby that I will be doing more of.

How do I feel right now? I feel good and settled, which is a nice feeling and a relief from how I have been feeling recently.

Short post tonight but I don’t have much to say.

Here’s some pics of my day.

^^ My decoupage cat box 🙂

^^ My beautiful girls ❤

^^ Its SPRING!

^^ Scrappy doodles being cute

^^ My beautiful Foxy girl

Peace out

Batman

This shit it my life!

Wow what to write that isn’t about what I’ve been talking about for fucking weeks! I don’t even fucking care any more if all I am talking about is my current situation because this current situation is so fucked up and is having a fucking massive impact on my life and my health.

So I hadn’t heard from Diverse abilities since I saw the lady to go through my appeal which was on the 1st February. I left another message with the office and the lady rang me back in the afternoon, now she said she didn’t send my form back until the 10th February and in the pit of my stomach I instantly knew that she’d fucked it up! Now she said give it another week but I couldn’t let any more time elapse, so I rang up the Personal Independent Payment which is a premium number, which in itself is a JOKE! But the lady I spoke to was really nice and she said they didn’t get my appeal until 16th February which was too late! they needed it by fucking 12th February! This is a massive fucking cock up! She said she will see if they will open the appeal again if not then I will have to start the whole process all over again! So I have paid a charity to help me only to have it fucked right up! Well I could have done that all by myself! Suffice to say I was extremely angry and could barely keep my shit together, I cried on the phone to the PIP lady and I cried whilst talking to the Diverse Abilities lady. The anger had to come out somehow and that was the most healthiest way. Nothing I can do now until Mon, so I will be talking to my Diverse Abilities lady again to see what the plan of action is, she needs to sort this out.

I just cannot believe this was just completely fucked up so fucking bad, so now I have to wait another 8-9 fucking weeks for the appeal process! I literally want to throw myself on the floor and have a full on tantrum like a toddler because I am that fucking frustrated with this whole thing. This is my fucking LIFE they are cocking about with! I mean WTF! It is beyond and joke and borderlining on cruelty! Literally do not know how much more of this bullshit I can deal with, its getting just too too much for me to deal with.

So my money lands on the end and first of the month, which is when two big bills come out… so it isn’t going to leave me with much money, well no money for anything, not even food. I am going to have to look at the next few months and see when these big bills come out and see if I will be able to afford them or not, if not then I will have to re-evaluate my outgoings and that possibly will mean having to cut off my internet and tv, but I will sit and work it out. Another thing I don’t have the energy for, it makes me feel tired just thinking about it, I hate maths!

I had to ask a friend for money for this fortnight just so I can survive. Now I HATE asking anyone for help with anything but I was desperate. This person I have pretty much known all my life and we’ve faced life’s hardships together and we’ve always helped each other out when either one is in need. This made me feel much better about her helping me because it feels more on par and I know when she needs help I can return the favour. So she’s saved my ass big time, this fortnight I will be able to pay my bills and eat. Another friend did offer to help but I don’t want to feel or be in debt to that person as I cannot afford to pay it back.

I am glad that Ian Duncan Smith has resigned but its not because he feels the government has gone too far, its because he’s saving his own ass and leaving before shit blows up!

Something I saw today and totally believe!

Our country cannot go on with these bastards killing off the sick, the disabled and the already impoverished. We cannot let this go on but how the hell do you beat the elite, they are already corrupt to the very core. I can feel an unrest with in society and within the things I read from people like me and I do think there will be an uprising of some kind.

So to change to subject to one that’s a bit more calm.. Today I took the pups for a proper walk for the first time in a week, I’ve not been well enough to go far and my depression as once again kept me housebound too. It was cold and windy today but it felt good to be out from within my four walls. The pups enjoyed it as well which always makes me feel good. I felt like the legs were going to fall off when I got home lol.

Just been relaxing the rest of today, or at least trying too. I have so much crap constantly running through my little brain, its really hard to switch of from. I find that playing the candy crush games and doing word searches helps distract me and helps me switch off the constant running commentary that I hear 24/7.

I am always banging on about how self care is essential to my continuing recovery…I am finding it extremely difficult to do, even the little things are hard. Its hard not to be awake all night and sleep all day, its hard to get out everyday, hard to do the housework, I’m just finding it hard to keep my shit together day to day. But I am trying to do one thing each day that is self care, just to keep afloat.

So how in this moment right now do I feel? I feel empty, my body hurts and I am tired. I really don’t know how I am going to continue, I’ve literally had my fill of this BS, it has to turn around soon, something HAS to start going well…right?! Just living hour by hour is taxing, I feel so powerless to change or stop any of this.

^^ Seem to totally fit today. I hope this has a good ending.

^^ My beautiful Foxy girl

^^ Love this photo of my beautiful Scrappy Doodles

^^ I love living here ❤

^^ My beautiful Marley Moo

 My playful Harley ❤

I love my fur babies so much and they keep me going, they keep me company with them I am never alone ❤

Well that’s another depressive post written but hey this is shit is my life!

Peace out

Batman

Just one big vicious circle….

Ah what to write that is not along the same lines as what I have been writing so far this year and well last year… My life ladies and gentlemen is one HUGE vicious circle that I cannot stop and I fucking HATE! I don’t want to be in this circle any more! I want it to end NOW! 😦

Enough said right there ^^

I’m just SO over this all. Yet AGAIN I am on antibiotics for ANOTHER fucking sinus infection! Like I don’t suffer enough without this bs going on. Oh and I had a full on nose bleed last night..yeah it woke me up for like an hour :/ but felt much longer as all I wanted to do was sleep. Nose bleeds for me are a warning sign that something is wrong not that the Dr that saw me gave a fuck about anything I had to say, she just wanted to get me out the office and done with..

I am so sick of this fucking situation, I just want a break. Tomorrow I get to spend the day chasing people up and sorting shit out…Oh I cannot wait to do that! NOT! That in itself takes some much energy and emotional stress. I definitely need a secretary! I also need a sugar mumma Tongue Out that would make all this MUCH easier..but alas that is just a dream.

My life is right now is, antibiotics, other pills, chronic illness, chronic pain, low mood, benefits, phone calls, appointments, money worries…and it just goes around in a circle, the antibiotics finish and soon after the sinus infection comes right back again. I’m so sick of thinking about it, sick of this being my life! and as I am sat here writing this my nose is bleeding again..ffs! At least its not a heavy one but its still not a good sign, definitely think I am having a flare up right now.

I had to miss group again today, one because I had the doctors this morning and two because I just felt too ill to go anywhere. But I did get a call from My health My way, which is like a support place for people like me with chronic health issues. The lady was asking me for more details about me and my situation and said someone will contact me again, so that’s good. I hate missing group so much as its a lifeline of support and its not on next week due to annual staff leave..ah such bad timing but it is what it is I suppose.

Right now I am struggling to see any positivity or any hope that things will get better, or that I will get better. Its hard to keep my mood on a level as I’m standing on the edge of that black hole, my feet right over the edge, I have nothing to grab onto to stop me from falling in.

If my life were to be put on the scales then they would certainly look unbalanced and almost ready to topple over, I need something to help re-balance everything, but I don’t know what that would be or even look like. Everything just looks so bleak and black, like the colour has been drained out of my life. I certainly feel that if I were a colour I’d be black, mainly because that’s how I feel and because good days are extremely rare. Good days look like bright, colourful and happy, like purple, yellow, pink, orange, blue and other such wonderful colours, I miss good days, I hope I get one again soon.

I tried not to write about the same BS over and over but..well unfortunately my life is fucking BS right now and I have nothing else to talk about 😦

How do I feel right now? I feel tired, my body aches so much and I feel a bit low and empty.

I’m so glad I have the unconditional love of my 4 beautiful fur babies ❤

 and a picture of me 🙂

Peace out

Batman

Being penalised for having a chronic illness

Been sat here trying to think about what to write, as right now my head is a reflection of my life, its just totally all over the place and I don’t know where to start.

I was going to write about binding and pain management but I can’t get my thoughts organised at all because I have so much going on in my lil brain! I am desperately trying to figure out what bills can I cut IF I can and what I can sell…just so I can eat for the next fortnight and have electric so I can heat the flat!

I’m kinda glad I lived at the youth hostel, that taught me how to live in a shoe string! How to fight to survive. If that means selling some of my stuff then so be it! If it means getting my sky temporarily cut off or at least to get the basic/cheapest bundle…if that’s possible.

My priorities have shifted somewhat, I now need to only focus on bills, food, rent and electric…Yes they were my priorities before but at least I wasn’t scraping the barrel just to have the basics, least I was able a to treat myself. Now that has gone, I cannot treat myself and that’s an important part of my self care..so I have to now change that.

These rich, elite fucking wankers making all these cuts have NO IDEA at all how they effect the actual people they are doing it too.

The internet is my lifeline, my mobile is my lifeline, I need netflix to watch on the days I am housebound, I need more then 5 tv channels to watch on the days that I am housebound cuz lets face BBC1 BBC2, ITV, CH4 and CH5 have fuck all on the majority of the time! These things I need when I am housebound. I need my phone to make appointments with my doctors etc, I NEED THIS!

I need to be able to put the heating on because its still cold in the evenings and when I am ill I feel the cold much more. Yes I can sit around with jumpers etc on but it still doesn’t take the chill off the place, besides its not the fucking point! I am a person who has complex physical and mental health issues who needs to be able to have a decent quality of life!

I don’t know why I am writing all of this, I suppose because my story needs to get out of there. Although I am not that naive in thinking I am the only one with the story like this, because sadly its not, its happening all up and down the country to millions of people.

Its not right, what they are doing is morally wrong and I honestly don’t know how these people can sleep peacefully at night knowing that people like me have killed themselves because they were deemed fit to work, knowing that millions of families are living below the poverty line despite working hard to support their families. YES the benefits needed to be reformed because people were abusing it BUT those who are actually ill are being told they are fit for work and having their money cut all over the place are the ones that are being penalised the most, those who aren’t actually ill can just go get a job. But those who are chronically ill cannot just got get a job, cutting money is not a fucking incentive to work, if anything it has the total opposite effect. If you are even more ill because you cannot heat your place, that’s IF you can even still afford rent, if you cannot afford to eat, if you cannot sleep properly because of the stress about worrying about where your next meal is coming from, if you are depressed because you’ve spent every evening sat in the dark, cold and the quiet, these things DO NOT equate to a functional human! let alone a happy human. Its a joke!

I can write any more because well honestly it is making me so angry and I need to reserve this energy to fight my way through this next fortnight. It is what it is and I can’t change that right now. But what I can do is make phone calls and just get through this! I’ve been through far worse and I can get through this bullshit!

I did have something else to write about, an incident that happened yesterday that caused me to have a flashback, which unsettled me for half the day, which I had to work hard to settle myself again. But I don’t have the energy to write any more, I need to get myself to bed.

Peace out

Batman

Don’t listen to that little dark voice.

A lot has changed in 3 days, a good kind of change though. I’m feeling much better then I did when I last posted on Wednesday. I am much more articulate now and I am able to write a decent sentence…Well I hope so anyway.

On Thursday I wasn’t going to go to my LGBT mental health group, I just didn’t want to go. The little dark voice was whispering in my ear saying “don’t go” “you’ll have a better day at home” “you don’t need that group anyway” etc you get the picture, the depression whispering lies into my ear constantly, trying to keep me at home, keeping me away from people, keeping me from helping myself to push through and feel better. Because the dark voice disappears if I ignore him, so he shouts as loud as he can for as long as he can, until the little ray of light starts talking sense, telling me that there is hope and I will feel better again.

That little ray of light gets louder and stronger the more I pushed on with my day. He got a little louder after I had my breakfast, a little louder still after having a shower and getting dressed. The dark voice was shouting too both in equal measure, my head was so loud but I knew what path I had to follow. I carried on and took the dogs out for a walk, I kept having to sit down as the dark voice was making my body feel so heavy and weak but I pushed through. By this point both voices were raging at each other, I was just listening to them both, both made good points. But ultimately listening to the dark voice would mean just perpetuating the liar that is depression, he would win, the only way I was going to feel better is if I listened to the light voice and went to group.

So I managed to get my stuff together, it took every fibre of my being to do this. As I walked out the front door, locking it behind me, the dark voice realised he’s lost. So he went back to whispering softly in my ear, whispering things like “you won’t have a good day” “you’re stupid” etc… :/

By the time I got on the bus, my head was fairly quite again and my whole being felt so exhausted. I kept falling asleep on the bus trip and very nearly missed my stop but I suddenly realised where I was and pressed the button to get off.

Group itself was good, I don’t remember what we did but I think that’s because it was such a huge battle to just get there, I struggled to be present. But I was there, I stayed, I participated as much as I could and I felt better as a result.

I still didn’t feel 100% better but I felt more myself for going out. I had a good evening, I made myself dinner, played with the pups while waiting for my food shopping, snacked on a peanut butter and syrup sandwich and went to bed.

Friday I went to the Weymouth LGBT mental health group and again it was a bit of a battle to get up and ready, but the struggle wasn’t nearly as bad as the day before. So it just goes to show that my mood was on the way back to normality again.

As always the journey there and back was good and the session itself was good. I think I’ve been going to that group for about a year now, which is cool and makes me proud 🙂

Got home from group about 6pm, I was so tired but I took the pups out for a quick wee and run. When we got back in I stripped off, my binder was hurting so off that came, jeans came off and were replaced by joggy bottoms, although if it was warmer I would just be walking about in boxers and top…but its still too cold for that unfortunately.

I had no energy or motivation to do anything, so I flopped onto the sofa, narrowly missing Harley and Foxy who were both on the sofa, waiting for attention. I reclined both sides of the sofa and I was soon surrounded by all four of my fur babies, I didn’t however appreciate scrappy standing on my back because he’s so freaking heavy! It was nice though, I spent about an hour just laying in silence, with my babies all round me.

Managed to muster up the energy to make myself some dinner which was nice. I just spent the evening watching tv and chatting to friends online.

Today the sun was out and it was like a cool spring day, its been so nice. Before I could go and enjoy the sunshine, I did the housework as its been a bit neglected this week due to my low mood . I felt better for doing it and the place no longer smelt of stinky cat litter, which isn’t a good smell.

I got myself together and I took the dogs for a walk and we went on the longer route. I thought it a bit ambitious of me to walk the long way and it worked out that yeah it was a bit ambitious. I kept having to sit down and resting along the way, but that was ok as I got to just sit in be in the moment.

Once again when I got in, I stripped off the chest binder and my jeans and adopted the much more comfortable joggy bottoms and I rested for a bit with my babies.

I started my dinner early as its quite a time consuming dish and didn’t want to eat too late in the night. I made myself a chicken and leek pie and it was very nice if I do say so myself. I did the washing up as I went along so it wasn’t overwhelming.

I have spent my evening playing with the animals and listening to music. Which makes a change from having the TV on all night and its been a nice change.

Recently I’ve been conscious about the amount of time I spend on my phone, laptop, ps3 and watching tv and I know that it doesn’t always have a good effect on me. So I’ve been switching off my mobile phone, not going on the laptop every night, now watching tv every day. I’ve been mixing up my routine a bit more, cuz before I would watch certain things in the day, then spend all evening with the TV on and my laptop on.

I like people not texting and talking to me all day long, sometimes I just turn my phone off and sit and play with the dogs, or do some colouring or whatever. Not having to be plugged in 24/7 is very freeing, just to sit and be in the moment and to be in whatever is going on around me is nice. It means I’m not missing out on spending quality time with friends or the animals, I’m not missing out on moments because I am not being sucked into my phone. I am learning more and more how to just be and it is difficult but I have found that if one of my senses is being occupied then I can be in the moment, being still and quiet.

I know people worry when I don’t text straight back or whatever but they don’t need to worry because I am ok, I’m just going back to basics.

So after sitting here for about 3 hours writing, well not solidly I may add, how do I feel? I feel calm, happy and connected with myself. I feel hopeful and excited to see L tomorrow for her birthday 🙂

My life is by far simple but I somehow get myself through it, I will drag myself through this life kicking and screaming until the very end! I will not give up, that dark voice will NEVER win the war.

That is all for now, as my heads starting to hurt from looking at the screen. Glad I took the time to update this though, as its been a while and I always feel better for getting it all out and hopefully I will sleep peacefully tonight.

Peace out

Batman

Meh…

So it has been over a week since I last posted and that’s mainly because I’ve been ill with a sinus infection but my mood has also been pretty low too.

I don’t really know where to start, its been such a long week or so and so much has happened.

Fri 26th Feb – Harley got spayed and chipped, everything went really well and she’s healing nicely 🙂 so proud of my gorgeous girlie.

27th Feb – L, the boys and the pups came over. We went for a walk and then came back to mine and chilled out. Had my nephew Leo for a few hours in the evening.

28th Feb –  Had F and Benny over for the afternoon and I cooked us a meal from scratch which was hard work but really nice.

29th Feb – Feeling so ill.. Harley had a check up at the vets and is healing fine.

1st March – Feeling so ill…Mother came over but luckily my bro came over too with Leo, which made her visit a lot easier to deal with as I just played with Leo. She gave me my birthday present..she gave me some money and a top..from the fucking woman’s section! She’s such a fucking dick! She did the washing up though. That’s the last time I reply to her though, I don’t  want her anywhere near me any more. I did have a good evening though as E came over and we had pizza and she bought me a birthday cake and presents 🙂 so at least I had a good evening.

2nd – My 31st Birthday! Feeling so ill and full of snot! But I had a good day L came over with boo and the pups which was cool and she spoilt me loads 🙂 We just chilled out watching Disney films as I was feeling too ill and tired to do anything else. I had another friend H.A pop over late afternoon which was nice. Didn’t do anything special in the evening, just the usual.

3rd – Feeling so ill, felt far too ill to go to group. So I stayed at home all day, I did manage to take the pups to baiter, not really because I wanted to but cuz the pups needed to go out for a good run. Played some of my new Lego Movie game which was cool.

4th – Still poorly but I ordered antibiotics Tuesday and picked them up, pretty much instantly felt better after taking them. Just rested all day again.

5th – Went over to L’s in the afternoon, I gave her her mother days present from the boys 🙂 just chilled out all day which was nice.

6th – Tried to distract myself all day, fucking stupid mothers day! Played on my ps3, played with Lego..just doing stuff…felt so bored and restless 😦

7th – Exhausted, took ages to do anything but I did mange to do laundry and the housework. Had my nephew in the evening for a few hours which was nice.

8th- Had to sort out the fucking bank AGAIN! Didn’t do much in the day. Had my trans group therapy session which was a good session.

9th – I’ve done fuck all! Well I got showered and dressed and cooked dinner. F and Benny came over for a bit which was nice and she gave me my birthday present 🙂 a top that says master builder which is so cool!

So yeah a brief overview of my life, not very exciting.

Having the sinus infection effected my mood and my appetite. My mood is still low and I’ve only just got my eating/appetite back on track. I can eat again without gagging! Urgh I hate this bullshit going around and around in circles!

Fed up of it all…Meh.

Batman