I decided to write today, mainly so I can get all this crap out my head and stop it from just going around in circles.
I finally managed to get onto my doctors notes… I can’t use any of it though! Its so inaccurate and just not detailed enough. I’m so angry because I was hoping I would be able to use it for my PIP evidence. But no yet another fucking obstacle has been put in my way. I’m so seriously over this bullshit already! I’m done.
In my notes it says I was diagnosed with granulomatosis with polyangiitis when in 2003, which is wrong, I was diagnosed in 2000 I only remember this really clearly because I was still in secondary school and I was ill a lot of the time and I struggled to keep up with the work. It also keeps saying I’m an ex smoker! which I’m not, I’ve never smoked. There’s just so much that is either wrong or just totally missing altogether. Its s fucked up!
And to top off yesterday I waited in all day for an Amazon delivery but I got an email to say delivery attempted! which was fucking bullshit because I was in waiting! I was so furious because I could have taken the dogs for a walk or whatever.
I was so angry and so stressed out and I just couldn’t see how I was going to get this shit sorted out. I was so close to cutting because I just felt so angry and like nothing was within my control and I felt out of control as well. I just felt so intense and just didn’t know what to do and cutting is my crutch, my go to thing to do for release. It has been for most of my life. I managed to control myself and I didn’t cut because I knew if I did I would have momentary release and then I’d beat myself up about giving in. I wish that cutting still wasn’t my instant reaction when I’m stressed out or feeling intense feelings. I have a much better control over it now but it still bugs me that its my brains default setting when things become unbearable.
I don’t know what more I can do other then control the urges, I can’t seem to change this default setting because its been like it since I was like 9-10 years old, so well over 20 years now. There’s a part of me that loves cutting so much because its a buzz and makes me feel great, hence why I’m covered in scars, but it also comes with a lot of shame a guilt and that doesn’t feel so good. Because you’re told its wrong, its not the right way to deal with your emotions etc.. but that guilt and shame isn’t always mine, its given to me from others.
Anger seems to be default mode right now, I seem to tap into it really quickly. Sometimes I can calm myself down quickly, sometimes its takes longer. It depends what’s pissed me off. Again its something I wish didn’t happen so easily, I can go from feeling ok, feeling calm, to just feeling enraged and such intense anger and frustration. Although its not like it every day, I think often it depends on how much I’ve already just dealt with, how I feel physically and what the trigger is that’s made me so angry.
Benefits make me instantly angry because claiming PIP last year was just so traumatic and so stressful and I was just pushed to the edge of sanity. So now my instant reaction is anger because I’m still not over how badly I was treated.
People shaming me for being ill and not being able to do what they want me to do on that specific day also makes me instantly angry. I will not be shamed for something I have no control over.
I’m sure there are other triggers, I don’t want to list them all. I don’t want to get rid of my anger because it often motivates me to do something to change the situation, like today I got up and I was straight onto the laptop writing and letter to the practice manager and my GP surgery to get them to sort out getting me a copy of my actual notes. I just wish it wasn’t my instant response to certain situations. I wish I was more level headed and calmer.
I feel a bit calmer and less crazy today, although as its now midday and Amazon still haven’t delivered my package I’m starting to feel more agitated because I do actually want to take the dogs for a walk today. I don’t want to sit in all day again.
Last night I remembered I was given a health journal ages ago now and I’ve never used it. So this morning I dug it out and started to fill it out for this morning, I think it will be really useful for myself and my doctors that are all involved in my care to be able to see how my day to day life really is. Often when I go to appointments and they ask me how I feel, I answer how I feel that day. I can’t remember how I’ve felt over the last 6 months and that’s another thing I’ve not really discussed is my poor memory. I swear its got worse over the years, I struggle to remember anything and nothing is in order either. Anyway I am going to make it a part of my routine to fill this in on a daily basis and build up a better idea of my over all health. It may also be helpful for PIP, I can copy the pages and print them off.
It’s going to be difficult writing down everyday what hurts and where, what doesn’t feel good etc. But I think its going to be a really important tool for myself and my doctors.
^ This is the health journal
That’s all for today, I think I’ve spilled my guts enough lol.