Transition update – Week 14 on T

This won’t be a long blog today because I am in so much pain with my hip and I got other things I need to do before I go out later.

The only changes I’ve noticed this week is that the hair on my cheeks are starting to get a bit darker and fluffier which is cool.

Also being off the contraceptive pill is going well so far, last week I had a tiny bit of break through bleeding and a bit of a bloated stomach. But that’s all gone now which is good, so I’m hoping that will be that and I can be one pill down for good.

Urgh my head hurts today, everything hurts… I haven’t really had time to check in with how I feel because the pain that I’m in is just so bad I can’t really think about anything else. Going to take some pain killers soon and try and get a bit of rest before I’m off out again.

Week 14 on T

^This weeks picture

^This weeks video

Peace out

Batman

Trying to keep it together

I decided to write today, mainly so I can get all this crap out my head and stop it from just going around in circles.

I finally managed to get onto my doctors notes… I can’t use any of it though! Its so inaccurate and just not detailed enough. I’m so angry because I was hoping I would be able to use it for my PIP evidence. But no yet another fucking obstacle has been put in my way. I’m so seriously over this bullshit already! I’m done.

In my notes it says I was diagnosed with granulomatosis with polyangiitis when in 2003, which is wrong, I was diagnosed in 2000 I only remember this really clearly because I was still in secondary school and I was ill a lot of the time and I struggled to keep up with the work. It also keeps saying I’m an ex smoker! which I’m not, I’ve never smoked. There’s just so much that is either wrong or just totally missing altogether. Its s fucked up!

And to top off yesterday I waited in all day for an Amazon delivery but I got an email to say delivery attempted! which was fucking bullshit because I was in waiting! I was so furious because I could have taken the dogs for a walk or whatever.

I was so angry and so stressed out and I just couldn’t see how I was going to get this shit sorted out. I was so close to cutting because I just felt so angry and like nothing was within my control and I felt out of control as well. I just felt so intense and just didn’t know what to do and cutting is my crutch, my go to thing to do for release. It has been for most of my life. I managed to control myself and I didn’t cut because I knew if I did I would have momentary release and then I’d beat myself up about giving in. I wish that cutting still wasn’t my instant reaction when I’m stressed out or feeling intense feelings. I have a much better control over it now but it still bugs me that its my brains default setting when things become unbearable.

I don’t know what more I can do other then control the urges, I can’t seem to change this default setting because its been like it since I was like 9-10 years old, so well over 20 years now. There’s a part of me that loves cutting so much because its a buzz and makes me feel great, hence why I’m covered in scars, but it also comes with a lot of shame a guilt and that doesn’t feel so good. Because you’re told its wrong, its not the right way to deal with your emotions etc.. but that guilt and shame isn’t always mine, its given to me from others.

Anger seems to be default mode right now, I seem to tap into it really quickly. Sometimes I can calm myself down quickly, sometimes its takes longer. It depends what’s pissed me off. Again its something I wish didn’t happen so easily, I can go from feeling ok, feeling calm, to just feeling enraged and such intense anger and frustration. Although its not like it every day, I think often it depends on how much I’ve already just dealt with, how I feel physically and what the trigger is that’s made me so angry.

Benefits make me instantly angry because claiming PIP last year was just so traumatic and so stressful and I was just pushed to the edge of sanity. So now my instant reaction is anger because I’m still not over how badly I was treated.

People shaming me for being ill and not being able to do what they want me to do on that specific day also makes me instantly angry. I will not be shamed for something I have no control over.

I’m sure there are other triggers, I don’t want to list them all. I don’t want to get rid of my anger because it often motivates me to do something to change the situation, like today I got up and I was straight onto the laptop writing and letter to the practice manager and my GP surgery to get them to sort out getting me a copy of my actual notes. I just wish it wasn’t my instant response to certain situations. I wish I was more level headed and calmer.

I feel a bit calmer and less crazy today, although as its now midday and Amazon still haven’t delivered my package I’m starting to feel more agitated because I do actually want to take the dogs for a walk today. I don’t want to sit in all day again.

Last night I remembered I was given a health journal ages ago now and I’ve never used it. So this morning I dug it out and started to fill it out for this morning, I think it will be really useful for myself and my doctors that are all involved in my care to be able to see how my day to day life really is. Often when I go to appointments and they ask me how I feel, I answer how I feel that day. I can’t remember how I’ve felt over the last 6 months and that’s another thing I’ve not really discussed is my poor memory. I swear its got worse over the years, I struggle to remember anything and nothing is in order either. Anyway I am going to make it a part of my routine to fill this in on a daily basis and build up a better idea of my over all health. It may also be helpful for PIP, I can copy the pages and print them off.

It’s going to be difficult writing down everyday what hurts and where, what doesn’t feel good etc. But I think its going to be a really important tool for myself and my doctors.

^ This is the health journal

That’s all for today, I think I’ve spilled my guts enough lol.

Peace out

Batman

Transition update – Week 13 on T – Part 2

I knew I’d forgotten to write about something in yesterday’s blog, but I just remembered last night before I went to bed…as you do.

On a Monday I do my two medication boxes up for the week, so I know what I’m taking etc. Anyway I decided to stop taking my contraceptive pill, as last week I’d finished the pack and I’ve had my 4th testosterone injection so I thought it would be the perfect time.

What made me remember that I’d forgotten to write about it was going to the toilet before I went to bed and I did have a bit of blood when I wiped but that was it and this morning was the same. Which is cool with me as long as its not a full on shark week (period) My stomach does feel a bit bloated like it would on shark week, I think I’m just going to see how it goes and if I do start having a proper shark week then my body obviously isn’t ready to be off it just yet, which again is totally cool.

I don’t find this that difficult to talk about, because its something my body just does and I have some sort of control of it by taking the contraceptive pill. Its not something I really like happening but I also can’t deny my body either, it is what it is.

That was all I really wanted to say about it, I will maybe update in a few days if things don’t work out but fingers crossed it will. It will be nice to be down 1 medication, 1 less to worry about.

Peace out

Batman

Transition update – Week 13 on T

Another week on testosterone, times just flying by so fast. I feel like I can’t keep up right now. I feel like I’m just tumbling towards Christmas and I am so unprepared and just not in the right head space, I can barely organise myself getting out the house at a reasonable time. I keep saying I need to write a list of things that need to be done, but I’ve got so many lists of things.. I can’t be dealing with another one.  I wish time would slow down a little bit, so I can catch up.

I’m sat here trying to check in with how I’m feeling today and I honestly couldn’t tell you. I suppose my mood is still low but I mainly feel numb. I’m not grounded at all and I just feel like I’m floating around and nothing feels real. I hate feeling like this but I’ve been trying to ground myself with little success. I literally need to feel like my feet are on the floor, because I feel like I’m hovering just above it. Such a odd feeling and in the summer its easier to ground myself, I just walk outside without my shoes and socks on but its too cold to do that now. I kinda feel like I’m in a pinball machine, just being beating from side to side, up, down and every place in between, not being able to hold on or stop.

I’ve had now new changes from the testosterone this week, my leg and armpit hair are getting nice and long now so that’s pretty cool. I just want my voice to hurry up and break lol. But everything transition wise is going ok, I just wish things would move along a bit quicker but not much I can do about that. I do need to find out the results of last weeks bloods.

Yesterday was Trans day of Remembrance, on Sunday I went to a TDoR service where they read out the names of the 325 trans brothers and sisters who died due to transphobic violence this year, although I suspect the number is much higher then that. It was hard to listen to all these names being read out and to hear how they died. It made me feel grateful to live somewhere that I feel safe to be who I am and I’ve not come across any transphobia in real life. I hope that one day, there will be no ones name on that list and everyone will be able to live their life happily and in safety.

If you’re trans and your reading this or you’re questioning your gender identity, keep strong, live your truth, you are loved, you are wanted, you’re not weird, broken or damaged. You are a wonderful human with the strength the live your life in the most authentic way. Trans is beautiful ❤

^ Trans day of Remembrance service ❤

Week 13 on T

^ This weeks pic… excuse the fluffy hair lol

 

That’s it for this week,

Peace out

Batman

Constant feeling of dread

I wrote this last night, in notes on my phone, just before I feel asleep, its a snapshot of how I was feeling at the time. I actually slept really well and slept for about 11 hours, so maybe writing before I slept helped calm me down. I haven’t checked in with how I’m feeling right now because I don’t want to connect with it.

Laying in bed with the feeling of dread in my chest.

I don’t want to be dead I just don’t want to exist.

Trying so hard to step out of this darkness but it just sucks me straight back in, its overwhelming, overbearing. Too powerful and strong, or am I just too weak and feeble.

Everything feels so difficult and pointless, such a cliche for depression but so true.

At home on my own I don’t have to pretend to be keeping it all together, I still pretend because if I break, I won’t be able to put myself back together, not again.

I hurt inside but I don’t know what it is, I can’t even describe how it feels, it just hurts.

Today’s activities just seem like a dream, like someone else did all that.. it doesn’t feel real.

I feel lost floating around in this black void and I can’t find anything to grab onto.

It’s hard looking back on what I wrote, it feels so dark. It feels like someone else wrote it, even though I know it was me. Maybe I don’t want it to be..

I’ve been thinking I probably need to share some of this with a professional. As soon as I walk into any doctors office I don’t remember anything and I can’t verbalise what I really need to say, so I don’t really say anything and they don’t get a true representation of what’s actually going on… its really frustrating but its hard to go to every appointment to tell somehow how you feel. It makes me feel vulnerable and to do that every appointment is exhausting.

Maybe I’ll print this out and make a docs app, I’ll think about it anyway.

Peace out

Batman

*Insert*Title*Here*

I don’t usually write in between my weekly posts but I just needed to write tonight to get everything out of my spinning brain. I struggle admitting how I feel because I don’t like to feel so raw and vulnerable but I suppose in order to move forward the first step is actually admitting that you’re struggling and that you need extra support, so yeah this post will be the raw, vulnerable version of me.

My mood is so low that I have the constant feeling of dread in my chest, I almost just want to collapse into myself and just disappear and not exist anymore, though its a different feeling from being suicidal, I don’t want to die, I just want to disappear. Its hard to explain how its different.

Everything just feels overwhelming and just doing small things takes huge effort and energy in order to just complete small tasks, say like brushing my teeth. Even just thinking about it feels too much and feels its just impossible, even though rationally I know its just a simple every day thing.

I feel almost paralysed by the depression, I have to will myself to move to do anything and its exhausting.  I just want to curl up and stop existing to end this pain that I feel inside, its almost like a physical pain that I just can’t get rid of, nothing works, nothing helps. I can’t even explain this pain, I don’t know what it is, it just hurts, so much. I can feel it coursing through all of me and its so uncomfortable.

Sometimes I feel like I’m watching over myself doing things, I’m not really here grounded in reality, just floating around in a endless void. Looking at things that I know I should recognise but I just don’t. I just don’t feel like I’m here, like any of this is real, which impacts the depression because everything seems pointless.

Overwhelming urges to self harm just to get rid of this pain inside, I don’t want to do it and I know the release will be short, but right now any release would be welcomed. But my rational mind knows its not the best thing to do.

I don’t know what to do to help myself.

I know this will pass, it has too.

I know that having to make a new claim for PIP was the tipping point for all this, last time it was such a traumatic experience and it was only a year ago that it was all finally over. I’ve only just recovered from the experience of it all and the thought of doing it all over again, makes me just not want to be here because I just can’t do all that again.

My whole existence is about to come under intense scrutiny again, I’ll be talked to like I’m lying, I’ll be treated as though I’ve committed a crime. This is how the UK government are treating those of us who are most vulnerable.

I already carry so much guilt for my life being the way it is, I feel guilty for being ill with a chronic illness, I feel guilty for having a mental health problem, I feel guilty for being transgender, I feel guilty for not being able to work, most of the time I just feel guilty for even being alive. But that’s made worse by the benefits system, even though I know I am ill and not fit for employment, I still feel like I should be trying more.. I don’t now. I wish I wasn’t ill, I hate it.

I think I spilled my guts out enough for tonight. Usually writing helps me feel a bit better but not tonight. It’s just good to get it all out though I suppose.

Peace out

Dyllan

Transition update – Week 12 on T

Woohoo 12 weeks on testosterone, time has flown so quickly. I did my 4th injection today in my butt and that went well, although I did hesitate a bit but I’m putting  that down to the traumatic blood test I had this morning.

This morning I had to have a fasting blood test to check my testosterone levels, I hadn’t eaten since 9pm last night. I have had fasting blood tests done before so I knew the drill. Usually when you go in for a fasting blood test they ask you when you last ate or drank anything but the nurse didn’t ask me that but I didn’t think anything of it. Then as she starts looking for a vein I notice her hands are really shaky, definitely not something you want a nurse to be doing when they are about to stick you with a needle. She jabbed my arm the first time and wow she had absolutely no control over the needle whatsoever and she tried again and it was pure luck that she got it, not because she was skilled at it. As she was taking the needle out she pricked me in the arm with the needle because her hands were so shaky. I have never had an experience like it in the 17 years that I’ve had regular blood tests, in no way should that nurse be taking anyone’s blood at all! She left me with a severely bruised vein which was sticking up out of my arm, luckily its gone down now but it really hurt.

When I got in I look at my notes to check they had taken to correct blood test and they hadn’t! I rang the doctors to explain they’d made a mistake and luckily they had enough blood to test my testosterone levels. I should have the results next week, although I’m not sure the GP surgery will know what to do with them, we shall see.

I haven’t really noticed anymore changes but that’s cool, although feeling a bit impatient with the voice changes. I really want it to break, I think that would help me feel less self conscious and anxious.

Last week I wrote about feeling self conscious and anxious and I’ve still been feeling really anxious and really overwhelmed. Even when someone texts me I instantly feel overwhelmed and crowded, I don’t know why though, I just can’t put my finger on it. The thought of being around people, even 1 on 1 makes me feel so overwhelmed and anxious. Once I am with people I feel ok but apart of me just can’t wait to get back to my flat away from everyone. I think it maybe depression but I’m not sure…

Week 12 on T

^ Week 12 on T

JDTVE0333

^ comparison pictures

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Batman

Transition update – Week 11 on T

I can’t believe I’m week 11 on testosterone, it’s gone so quickly and my fourth injection is next week. I’ve got to go and have a fasting blood test in the morning before I do my injection to figure how how often I will need to have my injections. It depends on how high or low my testosterone levels are, but I’m not 100% certain how all that jazz works.

This last week has been a mixture of good and not so great but I made the choice to try and ignore the negative crap and just concentrate on the things that have been positive. Which isn’t always easy to do but I will always chose happiness over ruminating on the negative, especially as its a situation beyond my control.

I went out of my comfort zone last night and attended a ukulele group, which I really enjoyed and I’ll definitely try and go as often as I can. I was so anxious about going and meeting new people, learning a new thing. But despite the anxiety I’m so glad I went and pushed myself out of my comfort zone. I’ve got loads to catch up and and try and practice as much as I can.

I want to try and learn more new things instead of just waking up sticking the TV on and watching mind numbing bullshit all day long. It will challenge me to change my negative thoughts and believes around my abilities to learn anything. The negative thoughts are ‘I’m stupid, I can’t learn anything, I’m dumb, I’ll never learn anything, I’m lazy’ the list of negative thoughts go on. It mainly stems from being at school, I was always told I was lazy and I didn’t apply myself well enough and when you’re told that for all of your school life it becomes apart of the narrative in your head. So by challenging it hopefully it will change that negative narrative, plus learning new things is always a good things. On the TV thing I am thinking about getting rid of my SKY TV and just stream stuff instead, which is what I do most anyway and I’ll save money too.

My best friend sent me the most awesome starting T present at the weekend, which was so cool of him. It contained a razor and some shaving gear, its my first razor so its pretty special that its from my best friend.

I have been thinking about having my first shave but I’m still feeling pretty self conscious about it. My transition so far has shown me how self conscious I actually am, I mean I knew I was pretty self conscious before I came out a trans but this has amplified it. I’m always conscious of how I look, how I sound and even what I say like 99% of the time when I’m around people. When I’m on my own all that doesn’t matter so much, because its just me. Before my transition I got to a point where I accepted myself as I was, even though deep down I wasn’t totally happy with my body, I always knew something was different but I’d gotten used to ignoring it. I was kind of ok with that but now everything is in question, like where in society do I fit, what kind of guy will people think I am, just questions like that so my sense of self has been a little shaken. I thought my sense of self was pretty stable but maybe it wasn’t so stable after all.

As I carry on through this transition I know I will learn my place in society and regain a more stable sense of self. I will just have to carry on learning more about the man I am becoming. This includes my first shave and I’ve decided to wait until my voice changes a bit more and I feel more confident in myself and my changing body.

Well that was an intense blog this week but its been my truth.

Week 11 on T

^ This weeks picture of me, next week I’ll do a comparison side my side picture

^ This is my T present from my best friend

^ This week YouTube upload, I will try and do a voice comparison next week if I can figure out how to do it

Peace out

Batman