Transition update – Week 18 on T

Week 18 on testosterone landed on Boxing Day, I just about had time to do a short video but that was it.

I had a great Christmas day at my brothers and yesterday I had a good day with my friends.

I can’t believe its two weeks since my last shot and two weeks until my next. I think my voice is finally starting to change and is a bit more noticeable now, which is cool. My nephew was sat next to me the other day and he got right in my face and said omg Dyllan you’ve got a beard. It was so funny!

I haven’t really checked in with how I’ve been feeling so I’ve got no idea, I’ve just been trying to ignore how I feel and have a good time. I’m sure once everything gets back to normal, I’ll be able to check in with how I feel.

I’ve spent all my Christmas money and some more lol but was worth it. Got the two hoodies and top that I’ve been after for ages. I got the Lego Ninjago movie game today but I bought trainers…not in the sale lol and not with Christmas money…oops but I needed some new ones. So I feel good for treating myself, oh I also got the Blurt Foundation self care book and its really good. It will good to use in the Dorset Mind groups.

I got a letter from the gender clinic the other day to say they’re changing my appointment in April to July! which I am super pissed off about. This appointment is for my first consultation for top surgery, I wouldn’t mind if it got changed for like a month but 3 months takes the piss. My last appointment got changed twice! so I’m gonna be pissed if they do that with this appointment. My chest causes me the most pain and anxiety! I want this sorted. But I’ll ring in the new year and see why they changed it and if there’s anything they can do. I’ll see if I can plead my case.

 

Week 18 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Batman

Transition update – Week 17 on T

I feel like there’s so much write, but where to even start. Most of it isn’t trans related but it all has a knock on effect on everything else. My brain is just overflowing, its so overwhelming and I don’t want to deal with any of it, at least not until January. I need to get my head straight and I need to figure out where to even start.

I haven’t noticed any new testosterone related changes, but today I found two white hairs growing out of my face lol! Man I don’t want a white santa beard, I’m too young. I really need to shave, but my voice it still fairly girly I feel. I need to be in a good place in order to start and right now I’m just not in that place.

I’ve been really struggling with depression, anxiety and disassociation which has led to 3 occasions of self harm. I’ve been referred back to the community mental health team, not sure when I’ll be seen though.

The disassociation is probably down to the gender dysphoria and the disconnection between my body and my brain. I talk more about it in the video, its hard to explain and right now I’m really tired and feel really spacey, I’m trying hard to stay in the moment.

I feel like I’ve got a huge mountain to climb and I can’t do it… urgh. I’m over it.

Week 17 on T

^This weeks picture

^This weeks video

Peace out

Batman

Trying to survived in a messed up system

Where to even start?! I suppose I’ll start with the GP appointment I had on Friday.

I had written some notes down the night before so I could just hand it over to my new GP. It was hard to write as it made everything real, it made me feel vulnerable and exposed. I was already feeling vulnerable and exposed, because on Thursday I was open and honest with someone about how I was feeling and what has been going on and that was really difficult. But I felt heard and I felt cared about.

I walked over to my GP surgery, I hadn’t eaten anything so I was feeling dizzy and sick. I felt so anxious, but I had my notes I’d written down, I’d also brought some blog posts that I had printed out and my wellness journal. My new GP called me up to her room, she came across as quite abrupt, unemotional and not particularly empathetic. It didn’t make me want to open up to her, I just gave her the notes I had written and she read them.

She asked me what was the main problem at the moment.. um like everything! I started with the cellcept, I said to her I am not sorting it out with Southampton, I don’t have the capacity to at the moment, I can’t deal with anymore bullshit right now. It isn’t my responsibility to sort out funding for a medication that I take. They approved my last prescription, so I have two months worth but she didn’t seem like she was going to do anything about it. But whatever..I really don’t care.

She then asked me about my physical health and she examined me, I was so on edge I freaked out a bit when she wanted to listen to my chest. I don’t know why they can’t just do it on the top of my t-shirt and why docs have to actually put the stethoscope on my skin. Because she didn’t make me feel at ease, I was so freaking anxious, it was almost like I felt threatened. I really didn’t want her touching me, it felt so invasive. The weird thing is I am so used to having my chest listened too and never usually freak out.

As per she couldn’t really hear anything but said there was a slight wheeze, my temp was up slightly too and my throat was red. She said its viral but gave me a script for antibiotics anyway.

Finally got around to talk about my mental health, which was the main reason I was there. She asked me some questions but she was so cold about it, she asked me to show her my self harm! I out right refused! in all the years I’ve self harmed which is a really long time, not once have I ever been asked to show where I cut. I was so fucking shocked, she acted like she didn’t believe me. She asked me a few other questions, but I had just shut down by this point I could barely talk. She just didn’t really care and just referred me back to the community mental health team, although I don’t know how long I’m going to have to wait to see anyone… but whatever.

I left this appointment feeling worse then ever. I got home and just sat and cried.

Later on in the day I got an email to say my medical records where ready to pick up and that they would be £10 instead of £50. I walked back into town, got some money out and went back to the doctors. I asked to have a look at these so called ‘medical records’ before I paid for them. But what I found made me so fucking angry, upset and frustrated. These so called medical records, where just printed off from my online records, which I have already stated several times are inaccurate! and there are huge chunks of my medical history missing. Like WTF?! this isn’t what I asked for. There was a few letters in there but only a few and they only go back till last year… Non of these shitty online notes are detailed enough, they’re all coded entries. So will make no sense to anyone other then doctors! The surgery knew what I needed it for! Yes I can use the letters but I need way more evidence, its far too little. Last time was fucking horrific! and the main reason was due to lack of evidence, I don’t want to go through it all again. I can’t go through it all over again.

I was so upset, I was already feeling like total shit from the appointment with the GP in the morning, that I just couldn’t hold myself together and I started crying in the doctors reception, while the lady was sorting out a receipt for me. I decided to pay the £10 as I can use a couple of letters, she suggest I write what’s missing and book an appointment to see a doc to see if they can find what’s missing on my notes.. but that’s a waste of time. There’s huge chunks of stuff that’s missing, so I’m going to speak to patient advice liaison services and see if they can advise me on what to do next.

I am so emotionally drained, I don’t have an ounce of energy left to keep fighting for my life. I feel like I’m just fighting for my survival every day, getting by on a minimal amount of food, because I’m just not hungry. I wake up feeling anxious and lost, I go to bed feeling the same way, there maybe brief moments of relief in between.

I read my GP notes after my appointment, she wrote that I denied being suicidal… I didn’t deny anything because I’m not suicidal! I’m depressed and she writes that I said my cuts are superficial, which they are but to me she’s written it like she doesn’t believe me because I refused to show her. Anyway this is what she wrote.

IMG_E6046

That’s it for now, I needed to get everything out of my head.

Peace out

Dyllan

 

Fractured self

I’m not quite sure where to start, so I suppose I’ll start with the two posts that I posted on Instagram, although I don’t 100% remember posting them. It all seems like a very vague memory, or a story that someone once told me. It doesn’t feel like something I wrote last night, it clearly was because its on my account and I’m the only one that can access it and the posts make sense to how I feel at the moment.

The first one says – Laying in bed feeling sick and dizzy, anxiety has come and ruled today. I’ve barely eaten, I did what I needed to do but in between my mind just wandered away. This dark passenger is following me and he won’t let go of me…this is is a scary place to be.

The second one says – I feel like a fractured soul. I feel like someone flipped off the switch the my brain and disconnected it from my body. I feel no connection. Sometimes I question if what I’m doing is even real, if my life is even real. Just watching myself in my life. I feel like a ghost.

In one regard I love these pictures and what I’ve written because, its raw and its real. But I feel no connection to the posts, even though I know I wrote it, I feel like someone else did.

I also woke up with tiny cuts on the back of my hand, I have no memory of doing them either. Its pretty scary not being aware of what’s happening and then being aware and stuff has happened. Even sat here writing this I just keep spacing out, I can feel myself doing it but I can’t stop it.

I found this picture on my phone too from last night IMG_5992 I don’t remember saving this to my phone, but it describes how I feel quite well.

I feel sad, anxious and disconnected, I don’t know if I can fix it.

I’ve dropped like 2lbs in a few days where I’ve not eaten much, I’m struggling to maintain my weight. What I do eat comes straight back out anyway, the anxiety is messing with my stomach so much, I’ve been taking loperamide (not everyday, just twice since Fri) so that I’m not just shitting everything back out again. The trouble with this is I then don’t really want to eat because I like how I feel when I haven’t eaten anything and when I do eat I feel sick. I ate when my friend came down to stay, it was easier because I didn’t feel too bad and I didn’t want him to see how little I was really eating.

Whys is this all so complex…why does one thing affect everything else? I just want it to stop.

I see my new GP Friday, so see what she says. Will print out my most recent blogs, so I don’t have to really say anything to her. Maybe she’ll send me back the the mental health team, but I’m not overly helpful that they will do anything.

Peace out

Batman

 

Transition update – Week 16 on T

I can’t believe today I did my 5th testosterone shot, time just flies by. Although it didn’t go quite to plan, I slit my thumb open on the vial. You have a pressure point that you push to open the little glass vial and so far its been fine, but today I just managed to shatter the top and it went straight into my thumb… needless to say it hurt like fuck! and bled a load. So I washed it out to make sure no glass was left in it and just put a plaster on it. It hurts to touch.. but I’m sure it will heal soon.

No major changes to report although things below the belt have felt a little swollen now and again. Testosterone causes the clit to grow a bit, which helps when it comes to lower surgery, so I think that’s probably what’s happening. It’s uncomfortable and its not really an area that I want to associate with so its not the greatest side effect of T but its one I gotta deal with.

That’s all really transition wise, my mood has been really low and my anxiety has been so bad. Last week I also self harmed, I was just in so much distress I didn’t know what else to do. Disassociation has been really bad as well, just been losing time and feeling super weird and dizzy. I just don’t feel good a lot of the time, just really struggling. I been struggling to eat enough as well, which is making me feel weak and it makes things harder. I’ve decided not to go back to slimming world, I’ve learnt what I needed to in order to maintain a healthy diet but right now I just need to eat without worrying about what I’m eating. Anyway that’s the abridged version of everything that’s going on right now.

I had my best friend down from London Fri till yesterday, that was really cool to have some bro time. Had a mini Christmas on Sunday, I cooked a roast dinner and we put up the tree, so that was awesome. It was really nice to have some company for a few days.

Week 16 on T

^ This weeks picture

99E75175-AF19-4F53-9C30-730ED64DE14E (Edited)

^ I did another comparison picture

^ My cut thumb from the testosterone vial

^ This weeks video, its only a short one

Peace out

Batman

Anxiety sucks

I can’t relax. So I thought maybe writing would help.

I’ve been so anxious for the last maybe week or more, but today has been really bad. I’ve barely done anything, I just can’t focus enough to do anything.

A billion thoughts all at once just crashing through my brain uninvited. Non of them helpful and no top of these bad thoughts I have really bad stomach pains, which feel like they did just when my parents divorced. Stress induced stomach ache, I’ve barely eaten all week, just been eating whatever I have in the cupboards. I feel too sick to eat, I just eat so I don’t pass out.

I hate anxiety so much, its so debilitating and can be so hidden too. I can hide it well but inside I’m screaming. I can still do what I absolutely have too but and fake my way through anything, but it doesn’t mean I’m ok. I haven’t had any major issues with anxiety for about 4 years and that was because I chose to stop taking my anti anxiety medication because it was making my moods fluctuate more.

There are good types of anxiety, the good type is where you’re super anxious about meeting someone for the first time but it turns out great, that’s normal healthy anxiety. This anxiety though is not, it makes me feel scared, nervous and defensive, my guards are up because I’m on high alert..although not sure what about.

I just want to close my eyes and for it to all be over, for it to just stop.

Emotional Robot

I don’t know if I’ll post this but I needed to write to get it all out of my head before I go insane.

I feel so disconnected from everything, I feel like a robot, nothing feels real. I’m just doing things because I have to, just emotionless, going through the motions.

Yet inside, my heart is just burning up with pain. It feels so overwhelming and I don’t know what it is.

And I just can’t let myself be vulnerable with anyone because I’m scared, I’m scared of people knowing I’ve not got it all together like I show people, I’m scared of being rejected for it, I’m scared I won’t be able to get myself back together again.

I feel so fucking broken, so lost.

I feel so anxious all the time, I only go out the absolute bare minimum. I just can’t face the world. I can’t keep putting on the mask.

I feel like I could scream and shout, punch and kick and still I wouldn’t be heard. Why would anyone care anyway?

This pain is crippling, squeezing ever last ounce of my soul out, into just a puddle of nothing on the floor.

I just want it to stop.

Peace out

Batman

Transition update – Week 15 on T

I don’t have much to write this week about my transition, mainly because of my low mood, but partly because there have been no changes this week…well apart from the huge spot on my forehead.

Next week I do my 5th testosterone injection which I’m looking forward to doing.

I don’t really know what to write, I’m tired and my mood is pretty low. I just want to be invisible right now.

Week 15 on T

^ This weeks picture

Peace out

Batman

*Insert*witty*title*here*

When people ask me how I am, my default answer is “I’m alright” and its mainly because I don’t want to keep talking about how I feel because its just the same. It gets soul destroying having to say how I really feel.

Truth is at the moment I am really struggling and I don’t let people see it because I don’t like feeling vulnerable, especially in front of people. I don’t think I have anyone that I would let myself feel truly vulnerable in front of and that’s not about the people in my life, this is just me I think.

I just feel like a big twisted up mess on the inside and I have no idea how to fix it, or even where to start. I remember writing a few weeks back that I didn’t want to die but I didn’t want to exist anymore and I still feel like that. Everything feels hard and overwhelming, but I don’t really know what I need. I know I don’t want my meds upped because I feel like I need to feel this to be able to work through it. I don’t want to me numb to it, even though its hard.

I don’t know if I can unpick this mess myself because I don’t really know what it is I feel. I suppose I feel lost, sad, depressed, unloved and unlovable, I feel as though I am a difficult person to be around, that no one wants to be around me… the same old negative narrative that was drummed into me by people that have been in my life in the past.

The feeling of dread is back, the dread of having to be around people and put the happy mask on and be ok. I hate acting, I’m good at it, I’ve had to be but its not something I like doing. On the flip side to that I don’t like people knowing or seeing how I really feel… so I’m stuck. What am I meant to do?!

I don’t know what I need to do in order to move forward or get rid of this feeling.

Peace out

Batman