Transition update – Week 27 on T

Another week has just flow by, another week where I’ve not slept a whole lot and my mood is low. Right now I just want to hibernate until this cold weather is over and I feel better.

I have noticed one change this week and that’s the hair on my stomach and chest is getting a bit darker and move obvious, so that’s pretty cool. But that’s it, I’m still struggling so much with dysphoria around my chest. I just want top surgery like now…then maybe I would feel less disconnected from everything.

I feel so lonely, like I’m trapped in my own little world, unable to connect with anything and anyone. It feels horrible and is probably why my mood is so low at the moment.

Being trans is more then just the physical transition, it certainly takes its emotional toll, which I am finding more and more challenging, especially with new hormones flying around. But I’ve got some good friends who are always there for me, which makes things easier.

Yesterday I met up with my grandparents and my mum because its my birthday on Friday, but urgh I only did it out of duty and not because I wanted to be there. They didn’t ask how I was, no mention of my transition, nothing. Its like I’m invisible, seeing them didn’t help my mood, never does when I see them.

Week 27 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Dyllan

Transition update – Week 26 on T

Today I had my testosterone shot, I was meant to have it done at the doctors surgery but I got there and my appointment had been cancelled!! I was so angry as I didn’t sleep well last night and I was rushing around to get myself ready. So I stormed out and I was like whatever I’ll do it myself.

Luckily when I got home, I had enough of everything to do the injection myself. The receptionist said they’d rang me but they fucking didn’t or I would of have a missed call! So absolute bullshit! But whatever I’ve done the shot now which is the main thing.

I again haven’t noticed any changes but a few people in the last week have asked me if I have a sore throat but I don’t I just think its my voice changing, so that’s been pretty cool. But my ear is still blocked so I can’t really hear myself still, so I can’t really hear how I sound.

The thing I’ve noticed recently is that I can’t really control my anger, when I’m angry or frustrated it just comes out! I can’t hold in it, I can’t be polite to people. The rage just takes over, which isn’t great! But even with an awareness of if I still can’t seem to control it. I used to be able to control my anger and it used to take a lot to make me frustrated and angry but not since I started testosterone.

The only emotions I can really connect with at the moment is anger and depression, I don’t really feel anything else. I’m just so disconnected from myself and my emotions, which is a bit frustrating as I know I should be feeling things. An ex GF of mine from 7-8 years ago killed herself and I know I should be feeling sad but I don’t feel anything, just numb, nothing. Yes sometimes when people die you can go into shock and feel numb, but I feel like this a lot, so I know its not shock. Sometimes when I go outside I purposely go out without enough jumpers on so I feel the cold, so I can feel something!

I don’t really know how to fix it other then have an awareness of it. Maybe it will get better after top surgery… but it might not.

That’s all I really have to say this week, it feels good to have written everything down and got it all out.

^ Testosterone shot stuff 😀

Week 26 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Dyllan

Transition update – Week 25 on T

I don’t know where to even start this week, its not been the best week ever.

I’ll stick to transition stuff for now and I may write another blog about everything else I’ve got going on. I probably need to get it out, as I find writing always helps me process me emotions a bit easier then just talking about things.

Anyway transition stuff, again not much to report but I suppose there wont be as I do these updates weekly. Some people have said my voice sounds a bit different this week so that’s cool.

I can’t write anymore, my brain has shut off. I’m tired and even sure how I’m doing right now.

Week 25 on T

^ This weeks pic

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Dyllan

Transition update – Week 24 on T

Another week on testosterone and there’s no changes to report, well apart from my voice I think is a bit deeper. I’ve been coughing a lot the last few days so that could be why.

I had a letter from the bank on Monday, it was from the fraud team and it was in my birth details! I was so furious!! It’s bad enough they had the wrong details, but the fact it was from the fraud team makes it fucking worse!

I went into the bank to explain the situation and the lady I spoke to was really nice and I didn’t even have to explain that I was transgender, which was really cool as I get fed up of explaining myself all the time. She spoke to the fraud people for me and from what she was saying I think they thought that I was 2 different people… which I can kinda understand. But hopefully its all sorted now and I won’t get another letter like this.

When this sort of thing happens, it makes me so angry and causes so much dysphoria and distress. It takes a day or two to calm down and get over it, I usually try and do things to that I know will make me feel better. For example, I have a nap, watch a film or series that I love, take the dogs out, be with good friends.. etc That usually helps me feel a bit better, sometimes I even look at letters that I’ve got that are written in the correct details, to remind myself that it was just this one letter that was fucked up.

Other then that I’m doing good, just been really tired and achy this week as I’ve been over doing it a bit. Generally my mood has been really good, I think the testosterone has a lot to do with that I think.

Week 24 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Dyllan