Transition update – Week 31 on T

Another week on testosterone and its been a crazy week, its been up, down and all over the place. Its been hard to keep a track of how I feel, what’s going on. It feels like a whirlwind of emotions, highs and lows and just intense overwhelming feelings.

All been triggered my external stuff, but I think the testosterone has lowered my ability to deal with anger. Usually I’m quite placid and it takes me a lot to get outwardly angry, like screaming, shouting and throwing shit angry. But the last few months, I can’t control it, I can go from calm to intense anger in seconds… and I don’t like it, I don’t like feeling that angry and out of control. Yesterday though I tried some EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) on myself yesterday and it really helped me to bring the intensity of the anger down. It didn’t make it go away, I probably could have kept on doing it until my anger was right down but it brought me back down which is what I needed. Its something I intend on trying more and more to help me manage my emotions a bit better.

I still haven’t had the results of my testosterone levels, so may ring the docs tomorrow to find out whats going on. On my docs notes it just says borderline, make an app with the doctor, I just looked at my online notes, as it was in my head, so yes that’s a job for tomorrow.

I haven’t noticed any physical changes but I expect that’s because my T levels are still lower then they should be and from what it says on my docs notes that’s looking more likely. That’s cool and easily fixable by increasing the frequency of the testosterone shots.

Week 31 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Well its nearly midnight and I still got a few bits to do before I can go to bed, so that’s its for tonight.

Peace out

Zak

This f*cking suck!

I don’t even know where to start right now, once again my heads in a fucking spin! I feel so full of anger and frustration. I really fucking hate my life! Now I’m not one to say that very often, I try and feel grateful for my life. But some days its just fucking impossible to remain hopeful and grateful when there’s fuck all the be grateful for.

The catalyst to all this anger is Personal Independence Payment (Disability Benefits) They gave me 4 points in each component which isn’t enough to qualify for it. You have to get a minimum of 8 points.

I’m sick to death of being ill and I’m sick to fucking death of having to prove it to the cunts that just don’t give a fuck about anyone’s life! Its so fucking soul destroying and it points out every single failing of my life, which is every fucking aspect of it.

I left school with a few GCSE grades, non of them really mean anything now anyway. My highest grade was English…I can’t get anywhere without maths. I have no qualifications in anything, I have no skills, nothing. I feel like such a fucking failure. I have nothing to be proud of other then I’m still fucking alive! Which how I don’t fucking know cuz right now I’m struggling to see the fucking point at all. I’ve done nothing! and no employer is going to employ someone who’s been on the sick as long as I have and no one will want someone who they can’t rely on 100%. I can’t even fucking drive..

I feel like I have no fucking future, no life nothing. Nothing is moving forward, everything is standing still, life is just moving around me. Everyone else is moving forward, I’m still stuck in the same fucking place, all by myself.

Just the same old little fucking loser kid that I always fucking was. Absolutely pointless waste of fucking space.

I can’t keep doing this bullshit over and over. I’m so exhausted, my heart hurts so much. I’m just wading through mud, not moving forward, just sinking further in.

Its not just job wise, I’ve literally done nothing, been no where. Just been here, doing nothing, just barely existing.

I just want to disappear and stop existing so the pain would just stop.

Just a waste of space..

Peace

Zak

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I don’t often write in between my weekly transition blogs, but I feel like I needed to write today, I got things I just need to get out and maybe it will help me make sense of everything.

It’s probably gonna come out a bit all over the place and scattered, but that’s how my brain is feeling at the moment. It probably won’t be strictly transition related but a bit of everything that happening in my life at the moment, so transition, physical health, mental health, family etc…

I can’t even remember the last time I just wrote a regular blog entry, must have been a while ago now.

I literally don’t know where to even start… Ok I’ll start with the good stuff going on, so I can get into the flow of things and unpick my brain as I go along.

My name change is all official now, which is really awesome and feels so good. I am now legally Mr Zak Dyllan Mills! Woohoo! I’ve already changed it at the bank and the doctors and I’ve written some letters too, they just need posting. It just feels really right and just the next part of my transition, I feel much more like me now. Which probably sounds weird as its just a name but for me a name is quite an important part of my identity and how the world views me and how I view myself. So yeah feeling pretty awesome about that.

Last Sunday my new little nephew Alex came into the world, weighing in at 9lbs 3! the lil fatty lol but he’s so damn cute. I already had cuddles on Tuesday with him, he was just so content just laying on my lap fast asleep, he’s so chill. Proud uncle to 3 nephews, which is insane! the eldest will be 9 this year, its just flown by so fast. I absolutely adore all of them.

Physical health hasn’t really been too great this year, I’ve had infection after infection. Over the new years I kept getting nose bleeds, I then had a sinus infection, then last month I had a ear infection and at the moment I’ve had a chest infection for about 3 weeks and I’ve had lots of really bad nose bleeds as well. So I’m not sure what’s really going on, but I went to Southampton hospital this week and he took some blood to see what was happening. As he didn’t want to up the cellcept and make me more immuo-suppressed just in case its just been back luck that I’ve been getting ill and not due to my Churg Strauss Syndrome playing up, but he can’t tell until he gets the results. I’m hoping I’ll hear about the results soon and I’mm also kind of hoping its just been a bad run of luck getting ill and nothing more serious then that. But when nose bleeds are involved I know its more likely to be my condition as nose bleeds were one of my first ever symptoms. I’ll just have to see what happens with all this… I am hoping its nothing serious, I’d rather not up any medication if I don’t have too.

My mental health has been a bit of a mixture recently, its been quite difficult to deal with and I know its made me a bit harder to be around as well. Its not really been the bipolar that I’ve been struggling to control, although fighting with the depression and bad thoughts some days seems like the easy part of it all. I’ve been really struggling with the gender dysphoria, it hits so hard and its overwhelming and intense beyond words. The slightest thing can kick it off and I feel like I have zero control over it, which in itself is kinda frustrating and a bit scary.

Its my chest that is causing all the distress, anxiety and stress. I want top surgery so bad. I’ve never liked my chest, its always made me feel uncomfortable and embarrassed. When the dysphoria hits, I feel so detached, I feel like a ghost, I just want to be as far away from myself and my body as I can get, so I just disassociate but then I find it hard to get back in my body again. It really effects my mood, it makes me feel so depressed and really agitated because I’m not comfortable in my skin, because it doesn’t feel like it belongs to me, its never really belonged to me. I know I have to do some work around acceptance of self etc, as I know surgery will not fix all the emotional stuff but it will ease it. But right now that seems like a big thing to work on by myself.

I’m already starting to stress about summer and the warmer weather, as I get hot easily so it wont be as easy to cover up while remaining comfortable. I’m already aware that its gonna cause me a huge deal of stress and anxiety and it may make me less likely to go out far, I’m already anticipating how I’m going to feel, be etc… So I don’t know how I’m going to handle that and get through it.

Not being able to bind my chest makes it all the worse, I think maybe if I could bind that would take a bit of anxiety and stress out of it, I’ve been still trying on the high impact sports bras as they were the most comfortable out of everything I tried but its still not comfortable enough, especially with my chest problems I experience anyway. Its just so fucking frustrating! and doesn’t seem to be getting any easier to deal with, but the longer I’m on T the worse its getting to deal with and most days I feel pretty agitated and anxious. Its not so bad if I’m just at home and not really going anywhere, but as soon as I’ve got to go out for any period of time, especially on my own then I feel so self conscious, agitated and anxious.

I feel like I’m stuck in a limbo, like life can’t move forward right now and I know I’ve stopped moving forward, I wouldn’t know where to go now anyway. I just feel stuck, waiting for life to start again but I can’t find the button. I know I shouldn’t be waiting for top surgery but that’s what it feels like, I feel like after that then my life can start going again, where too I don’t know. I know my life can be better then it is right now, but I don’t know where I’m going, what I want, what direction, what I should or shouldn’t be doing… I’m in a rut and I hate it. Desperately trying to find things that make me really happy and not much is making me as happy as before. I mean I’m not totally unhappy, but I know things can and should be better, I just lost the drive to find it, I feel lost.

Ok… so maybe I needed to write this a more then I really realised but feels good to get it all out, I can breathe now. Been feeling mostly ok today, as I’ve stayed close to home, I’ve only been out to take the dogs for a run. Have felt so so tired today, I’ve just been chilling and looking after myself. I also finished writing out my ESA forms, I just need to get my paperwork together and then Monday I can post it all off recorded delivery, so they can’t say they didn’t get it. But I’ll sort that out on Monday I think, gonna spend the rest of the weekend just relaxing and looking after myself.

That’s it for now, am getting hungry…bloody steroids lol! Gonna go cook myself some food, although I’d really love a take away but money is low.. so cooking it is lol!

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 30 on T

Another week on T, I think I’ve been on testosterone for about 7 and half months now which is cool.

I had my peak testosterone blood test this morning, hate the fasting ones! especially at the moment as I’m on a higher dose of steroids for my chest, so I’m so hungry all the time. I can’t wait to come off them again, I should be finished them by next Friday I think.

Feeling good, nothing much to report really with the physical transition. I sent my deed poll back yesterday! So really excited about that, can’t wait until its all sorted.

I got a new nephew on Sunday which is super exciting! He’s right lil chunk, 9lbs 3! I’m going to see him a bit later, can’t wait.

I’ve got such brain fog at the moment because of the steroids, I can’t really think straight. My heads all foggy, its so frustrating.

I’ve not really been up to much, I’ve just been trying to get better, as I’ve had a really bad chest infection. It finally seems to be shifting now, which is good.

I did a Tai Chi class yesterday, which was really cool. I really enjoyed it, definitely want to find one locally, if I have the confidence to join.

All transition stuff is going well, I can’t wait for my first consultation of top surgery in July, it can’t come soon enough. Its the only thing that’s really distressing and I want sorted like right now. I may look into how much it would cost privately and see if I’m eligible for a credit card… because the wait is just so long. Its something I’m going to look into and do some research.

That’s it for now.

Week 30 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 29 on T

This week I have some big news! But before I talk about that I’ll talk about other stuff that’s transition related.

This morning I had a blood test to check my testosterone levels, this is the trough which means that my testosterone levels will be at their lowest. I then had my testosterone injection done, which went well. Next Tuesday I have another blood test which will be the peak of my testosterone levels and from that they can work out if my levels are too low or high enough. I’m still not convinced that my levels will be high enough but I’ll find out next week.

Again no massive physical changes going on, other then my hair on my face, chest and stomach is getting darker which is really cool. I’ve still not had the confidence to start shaving yet but I’m in no rush. Voice is definitely starting to change, it sounds more noticeable to me now, so that’s pretty cool and others are starting to notice it too.

The gender dysphoria hasn’t been too bad over the last few days, that’s mainly because my mood has lifted a bit, which makes everything a lot easier to deal with. I feel like I’ve got a bit more positive energy going on. I felt a real energy shift on Saturday and I’ve been feeling really calm and peaceful, it feels so nice.

I’m ill yet again at the moment, I have a chest infection so I have more antibiotics and a higher dose of steroids. Hopefully it will kick it soon, I’ve had a high temperature, I ache so much and my chest has been really sore. I’m anticipating a bit of insomnia though being on 35mgs of steroids, hopefully it wont be too bad.

So the big news! which I have left till last on purpose. 9 years ago before I even realised I was trans, I changed my name to Dyllan. I wanted to change my name as I’d always hated my birth name, it never felt right, it never felt like it was me at all. I always felt disconnected from my birth name. I purposely picked Dyllan as its the unisex was of spelling it and I was so sure I wanted a unisex name, but I couldn’t tell you why I wanted a unisex name, I just did. Now it all makes sense as to the why I did what I did.

Recently I have been thinking a lot about my name and how I want to change it to a masculine name, rather then have a unisex name. Since starting testosterone and having physical changes to my body, I’ve been wanting to move away from everything associated with pre-transition. So I have decided to change my name to Zak, its a name that I’ve always loved and it was the name I really thought about a lot when I changed my name to Dyllan. My middle nephew Leo’s middle name is Zack, so it’s cool we’ll have that little connection.

I told my bro and sister in law the other day and they’re both happy about it. My bro said oh well least I can spell that! lol!!! and I’ve told all my friends and had a good response from everyone which is really awesome. I ordered my deed poll yesterday morning, I’m super excited and it shouldn’t take too long to sort out.

The only people I’ve not told yet is my mum and grandparents… But mother is never happy with anything I do in my life, so I know she won’t be happy. I’m not sure how my grandparents will react. But I’m already anticipating a negative response but in all honesty their opinion really means nothing to me. We have no emotional connection, yes we are family but they’re like strangers to me.

Anyway I’m super happy with my new name, it feels so good and feels really right. It feels like the natural progression of my transition, the next step. I feel really content and peaceful and I’ve not felt like that in a few weeks, so its a nice relief.

That’s all for now 🙂

Week 29 on T

^ This weeks picture

Week 29 on T comparison pic

^ Can’t believe how different I look! so awesome

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 28 on T

Another week has passed and I don’t remember much, its all a bit hazy and distorted.

I’ve been really struggling with low mood and disassociation this week, so memories aren’t in order. Nothing feels real, everything feels dream like. Been feeling really agitated as well.

It was my 33rd birthday on Friday and it doesn’t feel like I had a birthday, its hard to explain. Even though I was snowed in I still had a good day with a friend, but I just don’t feel like I was even present.

I’m struggling to remember things so I’m not gonna write anymore. I think I talked more about stuff in my video.

Week 28 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Dyllan