Transition update – Week 35 on T

This week has been full of ups and downs but I’ve made some huge steps forward, which feels so awesome! I’m so proud of myself.

I’ll get the non transition stuff out of the way first. Its been a pretty hard week, I’ve had so much stuff to sort out and its been really difficult and overwhelming. Yesterday I wrote out a list of everything I needed to do and just went through it bit by bit sorting through everything. I felt so much better for it, I’ve still got a few things to do but I’ve made a good start. Things are slowly coming together, I’m still in the middle of sorting out my benefits and money is still really tight but hey I’m still here, still fighting.

Transition stuff has been pretty exciting this week and I’m really proud of myself. Last week it was quite hot for a couple of days, usually it makes me really anxious and makes me gender dysphoria really bad. But on this particular day I was feeling pretty good and confident so I wore my shorts out, which is the first time since starting testosterone. I had my hairy legs on show and I did feel a bit anxious while I was out but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. The next day I went out for the day with friends and we went to the beach, again I wore my shorts but I was feeling a bit self conscious about my chest so I decided to try on my chest binder I bought a year or so ago. Its a high impact sports bra, but since I bought it I’ve lost weight, so it fits much better. After yesterday I was feeling really good and I decided to go out and wear my binder all day. It felt really comfortable and I felt less self conscious. I just felt good, I felt more like myself. I felt really confident, which is really weird for me. So yes big steps and I’m so proud of myself. Pics below are of my hairy legs in shorts and me in my binder.

I got my T shot tomorrow, I’m looking forward to that. Over all just feeling good, despite all the stuff I’ve got going on.

Week 35 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

That’s all for this week!

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 34 on T

Its been another week on testosterone and again its just flown by, I’ve barely been able to keep up. Its been like a whirlwind but its been good, for the most part anyway. I’ve been dealing with a few stressful situations over the last few weeks, one which has been resolved but the others I’m still working on. I’ve felt like I’ve been dealing with them better then I usually do when I’m put under a lot of stress, so that feels pretty good.

I had another shave today, which feels so awesome! Its hard to explain how it feels, but it just feels right, it just feels natural. I’m so happy I got over my anxieties and just went for it last week.

I noticed the other day that the hair on my arms are starting to get a bit thicker and darker… maybe just my imagination though, but the hair on my chest and stomach is slowly getting thicker and darker too which is cool.

My  voice is finally starting to break and its more noticeable now, even on the phone which is really cool. Sometimes when I say something my voice goes all weird and squeaky lol and I’m like what was that!! so funny.

Got my next T injection next week so looking forward to that as always! 🙂

Everything is just generally going well at the moment, I’m feeling good, feeling positive and making small changes to move things forward.

 

Week 34 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 33 on T

Another week on testosterone, its been such a long crazy week but its been s good one.

I’ve struggled to get through money wise, but I’ve been selling stuff. That’s slowed down now and I don’t have much left but I have food so hopefully be ok. This is a whole other issue… I’ll maybe write about it in a separate blog.

Despite having little money I had my haircut today as its been driving me insane. But I feel so much better after my haircut, feeling fresh! When I got home after my haircut, I sorted out my wild eyebrows, I swear testosterone has made them much thicker then before, so am always having to pluck and tame them. As I was looking in the mirror, I was looking at the fluff on my chin and moustache and the hair on my chin was looking really messy. I decided that I was going to have my first shave and so I just went and did it without thinking about it too much. It all went fine, I didn’t even cut myself which is always a bonus. Feels like a big milestone, it feels really good, I feel really good. It makes it all the more real I suppose.

I feel a bit sad that my dad wasn’t there to guide me through or to talk too about all this manly stuff. But I know he’s always with me. I know he’s proud of me and how far I’ve come.

I started this blog this afternoon…its now gone 10 pm and I’m only just getting around to finish it. This day has just flown by and I don’t feel like I’ve had the time to do anything. Or I’ve just got too many things to do and not enough time. Feels a bit overwhelming at the moment, haven’t really had much chance to have some quiet time and just sit.

Also I’m so tired, feeling a bit unemotional and a bit disconnected. I haven’t slept very well the last few nights as I’ve had a lot on my mind and my legs have been really achy at night.

I just need a good nights sleep and my inner child is screaming out to be looked after, he’s tired and cranky. I’ve been neglecting him and myself a little bit.

I realise its not so much ‘trans’ stuff in this blog but being trans and going through this transition is only a small part of my life. There is so much more to my life and me then this transition.

That’s enough from me, I need to start winding down for the night.

 

Week 33 on T.JPG

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 32 on T

Today would have been T shot day but the docs didn’t have any appointments, so I’m having it done bright and early Thursday morning lol, 8:30am! Urgh, that’s still the middle of the night!! This is why I wanted to do it myself, so I didn’t have to mess around with apps and I can do it on the exact day its due. Even though I know it can be done 5 days before or 7 days after its due, it still gives me anxiety that its not being done on the exact day its due! But I’m weird like that, silly things give me big anxiety. I suppose its about control, its something I need to let go of a bit more and not let little things stress me out so much. A lot of it is because I often don’t feel like I have any power or control, so little things cause big anxiety. Man I sound like a lil weirdo but whatever.

My weeks been busy but its been really good. I’ve finally got rid of my chest infection, it only took just over 3 weeks and I’ve finished my steroids too, which is a relief! Although its been messing up my mood a bit, been feeling a bit emotional today but I think that was a mixture of things. I feel fine now, I had a nice shower and did some EFT (emotional freedom technique) on myself and it made me feel a lot better, much calmer and less emotional then I was, which is always a good thing. I know there’s a calmness inside, I just don’t always feel it. So I’m going to try and tap out all the intense negative emotions as and when they come, hopefully it will help me regain some control and things wont get so intense and overwhelming.

For some reason this week I am super spotty on my chest, neck and back, although I’m pretty spotty in those areas already but these last couple of days, loads of extra bloody spots have popped up lol! Its sooo hard not to squeeze all the ones I can reach, gross I know lol. Some of them are quite sore but I can’t reach them to put any cream or anything on them. Not sure what its all about lol, I’m hoping they calm down as like I said some are really sore, I’ve got a few on my scalp as well, they are a bit itchy and sore too.

My voice is slowly getting there, I’ve noticed today its a bit deeper which is cool, I said something earlier and I was like woah! who said that!! made me chuckle to myself. My T levels are nearly right I think, I speak to my GP Thursday about my levels as my results from the last bloods said they were borderline, not sure what that means, so I’m assuming it means that they aren’t quite high enough. So they may need to tweak the frequency of the T shot again.

My gender dysphoria and disassociation has been mostly ok this week, I’ve been feeling quite relaxed and calm where my body is concerned. But I’ve spent this week looking after myself and my needs, rather then everything else that isn’t really important. Which just proves how much self care is essential to my well-being, its something I struggle to do regularly. It is so noticeable when I stop basic self care, everything just goes off the wall and unmanageable. I’ve been taking a lot of really hot showers and it really helps with the disassociation and I can take 15-20 mins to just be totally in the moment, breathe and relax. It really works for me at the moment, it may not always work and may not work for others but at the moment its working, which is the main thing.

Well its gone midnight now and I better get to bed and I have my friends kids over again tonight and I’ll probably be up around 8:30 am, my mind is pretty awake so I need to wind down a bit before I can go to sleep

 

 

Week 32 on T.JPG

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Zak