Positive actions and Positive thoughts, helped me get out of feeling so miserable.

This morning I woke up in a funky mood, I was still tired after a shit nights sleep and my hips were still sore.

I spent until nearly 5pm sitting about feeling shit and just making myself feel a hundred times worse.

So I got off my ass, put the spongebob movie on in the background and played bubbles and fetch with my dogs and had cuddles with them and the cats.

I started feeling less grumpy and miserable.

My sister in law and two of my nephews popped in briefly, so that was nice 🙂

Then I decided to sort through all the shit I want to sell, as I’m doing a carboot soon.

I bagged up all the Lego sets I’m selling and then I cleaned the shelves and cleaned all my big Lego sets that I’m keeping.

I moved my crystals and stones into the bedroom where they have a whole shelf and arranged them all. Which felt really good, as the other shelf they were on was really cluttered and disorganised.

I took down the 2 canvases I’m selling, which then led me on to taking down all my posters but my signed tank girl poster.

My place looks pretty naked now and I still need to rearrange a few bits so they place looks right. But it feels good to have less clutter and the place looks less like a little boy lives there.

At the moment I’m just sat outside with the dogs, we’ve played with more bubbles, now they’re both just running about chasing each other.

I feel a hundred percent better then I did this morning, I feel more myself. I feel more awake.

Sitting around feeling miserable is fine for a bit, but the length of the suffering is dependent on whether or not you want the suffering to end or to just continue.

Cuz yeah sitting around feeling miserable and feeling sorry for myself is easy, it requires nothing.

But I chose to stop feeling miserable, because I felt like I was being a silly kid having a tantrum over literally nothing.

So I decided to change the course of my day by changing the negative thoughts into positive actions and guess what!? Negative thoughts have gone away and I feel much better.

I’m not saying this will work for me every time because sometimes yeah I’m entitled to feel miserable and it’s good to sit with those emotions and to process them and work through them.

But this is not how I wanted my week to start off.

Positive actions have positive reactions and a simple action can change your whole day.

“Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional” today I totally understand what that quote means!

Life is only good if you want it to be good. But a good life doesn’t just land in your lap, you have to start with positive actions to get the life that you want.

After all, all most of us want is to be happy. That’s definitely at the top of my list. I just want happiness and I’m working at it 🙂

Peace out

Zak

A day in a life of a trans guy – Gender Identity Clinic

Woohoo 🙌🏻 I’m on the coach home! And it’s not raining hard, so glad I missed the downpour.

Appointment at the gender clinic went really well, the doctor was super friendly, really nice and proactive.

First of all she’s going to write to my GP and say I should be having a ECG and bone density scan once a year not just because of testosterone but because of my other medications and she wants to make sure everything is properly kept an eye on which is great.

She’s also going to say that I can do my testosterone injections myself, as my gp decided that it wasn’t protocol for me to do so…. even though that’s exactly why I chose sustanon in the first place. Just makes life easier.

But the big news is that she said that top surgery is undoubtedly what I need 😁 so that’s my first yes!!!

The downside is that my next appointment could be between 6-12 months 😭 but she’s going to speak to the doc who gave me my second yes for testosterone, to discuss what he thought when I saw him and what she thought of our appointment today then he could potentially give me my second yes for top surgery, which means I won’t need a second appointment. So I’m hoping he’ll agree with her and it will be straight forward.

All I have to do is pick a surgeon 😁

Im feeling optimistic about not having to have a second official appointment! So fingers crossed peeps ☺️

I really hope I don’t have to wait for a second appointment as I need this surgery so bad! Literally my life depends on it. I know it won’t cure the dysphoria but it will help me start to accept my body as it is, which will help me feel happier and more comfortable in my own skin.

Some people will think its elective surgery which in a sense it is. But to me it’s essential to my whole being.

I’ve wanted this for so so long, since before I came out as trans, I’ve never liked having female attributes, ever since puberty. I just never understood it.

My body has never felt like it belonged to me, it felt and still feels somewhat alien to me. But with chest surgery then hopefully I’ll actually feel like I belong in this skin of mine.

I know I’m already the real me, I just can’t wait to feel like the real me.

Peace out

Zak

Positive affirmations

So a few weeks ago I was struggling so I sat down and wrote a list of positive affirmations in my journal.

Last night I typed them up in my notes on my phone so I can look at them when I need them.

I read them through 3 times and I try and do it at least once a day.

Surprisingly it does make a difference, it does help me feel a bit better.

Hopefully one day I’ll believe them..

Here they are, feel free to use them for you’re.

Positive affirmations

I am not my thoughts

I am not my feelings

I am loved and loveable

I am worthy

I love and accept myself

I am worthy of love from others

I will accept love from others

I will love and accept myself

I will accept my flaws

I will find peace and accept it into my life

I will find love and accept it into my life

Peace out

Zak

Lost boy

When I’m feeling low and I make silly mistakes it’s hard not to tear myself down.

For example, I’m currently on the coach to London and I was feeling ok. But then I forgot to pick up my appointment letter and deed poll. So now I feel like shit, negative thoughts running through my head. Like how can I be so fucking stupid!? I even had it out on the side ready to go… I just didn’t pick it up! 🤬😡 so angry at myself.

The difference is, if I was feeling ok it wouldn’t bother me, I’d just get over it.

But at the moment I feel super sensitive, overly emotional and pretty worthless. I hate feeling like this so much, I just wanna feel happy. It’s hard getting out of this negative funk 😔 but I’m trying hard.

I hate feeling so sensitive, every little thing cuts really deep and hurts a lot. I don’t want to feel like this but I can’t seem to get a handle on it.

Just feel so vulnerable and exposed, it’s not a comfortable feeling. As I’m usually quite closed off. But I feel naked, like my heart is exposed for all to see. I can’t hide how I feel.

I feel like a lost child, who’s been left out in the wilderness to fend for himself. I’m terrified of my emotions, scared of feeling vulnerable, scared of feeling so deeply, scared of feeling happy because often with happiness come heartache.

I feel so fragile like a egg shell, the slightest knock will shatter me and I won’t be able to piece myself back together again.

Some people will saying feeling sensitive is a strength, but how comes I feel so weak?

I just want to feel happy

Peace

Zak

A day in the life of a trans guy – I just want to be a real boy 😔

I feel like I’m stuck in limbo, everything feels suspended in space. Just hanging around in this skin that doesn’t feel like my own.

This body doesn’t feel like it’s mine, it’s just doesn’t fit.

I know I’m on the journey to change all that, I’m 11 months on testosterone now. But the changes seem slow and small.

Maybe I’m not looking at the bigger picture and only focusing on the things that testosterone alone can’t change.

I just feel so frustrated, I just want to feel comfortable in my skin.

I know I need to accept where I am in my journey and I know I need to appreciate how far I’ve come. But it’s hard to do when things don’t feel right and the mismatch between brain and body is all messed up.

The conflict between brain and body, feels like a never ending battle. I just want to feel happy and comfortable.

This never ending heat isn’t helping, when it’s cold I can wear jeans, t-shirt and a hoodie, I feel comfortable but in this heat I’m having to wear shorts all the time and a vest top and chest binder which makes me feel really vulnerable and exposed all the time.

I need to take some time where I’m just at home a few days a week where I feel a bit more comfortable and I can just be without feeling judged and stared at. It will maybe help me deal with the gender dysphoria and then when I do go out I’ll feel less drained and stressed out and I can actually enjoy my time outside with my favourite people.

I just want to feel happy without the stress of the dysphoria. I don’t like feeling sad and upset but it’s not entirely in my control.

I hate feeling disconnected and disassociated, because I feel stuck inside my head and I can’t get out. I can’t communicate properly, I can’t get anything out of my head. I feel so much and I need to get it out but I just can’t. It feels so overwhelming. It’s so frustrating and I know it’s difficult for those around me.

I just want to feel like me, I want to feel at peace, I want to feel happy.

Acceptance is the key, I’m still a work in progress. I’m trying to accept myself as I am, I’m trying to like myself as I am.

I’m trying really hard, some days I win some days I don’t. But I won’t stop trying, I can promise that.

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 46 on T

This week isn’t a long one, as I’ve already posted two blogs this week and I don’t feel like I have anything else to add to this week.

So here is this weeks picture and short vlog.

Week 46 on T

Peace out

Zak

 

A day in the life of a trans guy – Chest binding pain vs feeling happy/confident out in public

Chest binding pain vs feeling happy/confident out in public

It’s a difficult dilemma, especially in the summer and as here in the UK it’s been a lot hotter for a lot longer then it usually is in June/July or ever actually lol. In the winter I tend not to bother to bind as I can hide my chest with baggy tops and hoodies, so it makes life a bit easier.

It’s also difficult because I have an auto immune disorder which causes joint pain/inflammation etc and I’m more susceptible to broken bones (a few years ago I fractured 5 bones in like 6 months)… so I have to weigh up when is safe to bind and for how long. It means listening to my body and how my body feels. For example if I’m tired and achy then it’s probably not the best idea to bind for 8 hours straight or at all. But I don’t always listen to how I feel, because I’m often disconnected from emotions and my body, I know I need to work on it though. I try and connect with myself by writing, meditation and just sitting quietly. I’ve been trying to do it more often as it does make a difference and helps a bit with the disconnect between mind and body.

The last 3 days I’ve worn my chest binder and 2 days I’ve worn it for the majority of the day and my ribs at the end of the day ache so bad and all I want to do is get home and take it off. But those 3 days I’ve been out in public, so beach one day and the other two days I’ve been around people I don’t really know that well and wearing the binder has made me feel a bit more myself, a bit more confident, less anxious and a bit less self conscious.

Tomorrow I’ll need to give my body a rest a not bind all day. It’s not recommended that you bind all day every day and definitely not recommended to wear it for 8 hours straight, especially when it’s hot.

I’ve been careful to make sure I’m drinking more and eating regularly too. So I’m not dehydrated or hungry.

Chest binding is exhausting, I’ve had mine on for nearly 12 hours… and I can feel it. I’m exhausted, hot and in a lot of pain but it was totally worth it as I’ve felt really good all day… so it’s a real dilemma.

Because of my health issues, I’m used to dealing with joint pain, some days are easier then others. But I know this pain is fairly temporary, cuz as soon as I take the binder off and relax then pain will subside which is good.

I use a high impact sports bra to bind my chest, as I’ve found it the most comfortable (as chest binding can be) an the material isn’t too hot, itchy and scratchy. I’ve tried a range of different chest binders but have found this to be the better one. So it is really important to find a chest binder that feels as comfortable as possible and makes you feel good cuz ultimately that’s the main point. What suits one person may not suit another, so it’s a bit of trial and error. But it’s definitely worth it if you find a binder that you feel comfortable with.

Peace out

Zak

A day in life of a trans guy- Acceptance of self is hard

I thought I’d post something that’s kind of a transition update but it’s also something that effects every aspect of my life.

It’s something I’ve been thinking about for the last few weeks, as here in the UK it’s been hot for more then 3 days! And whilst I’ve had days where I’ve been able to cope well with anxiety, dysphoria and disassociation and I’ve been able to have a good time, there’s been other days where it’s been incredibly hard to deal with and this is where self acceptance comes in.

So here it is…. (written whilst sat on a bus lol)

In my transition I’m finding it’s really hard to accept where I am and what I’ve missed out on living in the gender I knew I was always meant too and the fact I’ll never get those times back

I suppose it’s a kind of loss, a loss for a life you never had or could of had and what life may have been like if only I were born male.

It’s hard to accept my body as it is because I’m so desperate to look how I think I should look. It’s hard to accept the parts of my body that I absolutely hate.

I look at other men, all ages, shapes and sizes and just wish my body looked the same.

It’s ironic though living my life as my authentic self yet still craving to be someone other then myself.

I always thought I was good with dealing with change and good at accepting things as they are especially if I’m powerless to change whatever is it. But this transition has showed me I have a lot more to learn about acceptance, especially self acceptance and a lot more to learn about myself.

I want to get to the point where I feel comfortable and feel confident with how my body looks, yes surgery will ease things but I still need to learn to love, accept and respect myself and my body no matter what stage of the transition I am in, after all the relationship with myself and my body is life long and if I’m feeling happy, comfortable and confident then that will shine through the other aspects of my life and make life a bit easier.

I’m not sure I’ll ever achieve complete acceptance of self but I’d be happy just to feel at peace with myself, instead of this constant war between self and body.

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 45 on T

Its been a funny old week this week, I’ve mainly been feeling really overwhelmed with different emotions and I’ve started to unpick them and try and make sense of it all, in order to hopefully ease how I feel.

I’ve mainly been feeling super anxious, awkward, uncomfortable and generally out of place. I think part of that is the dysphoria but some of it isn’t.

Things are going well and its uncomfortable so a part of me wants to hit self destruct and fuck it all up because its easier but the other part of me wants so much to push through these uneasy feelings and get past all the negative patterns. Self destruction would be the easiest option but I will never move forward if I do… so I’m gonna work hard to push through this uncomfortable stage because I do deserve to be happy (even if I don’t always believe it)

I’ll get through I always do, I just gotta keep working on myself to move forward.

It’s hard to know what’s the gender dysphoria and what’s not as it’s all a bit jumbled up but I’m working on slowly unpicking things and mainly trying to name my emotions so I can see what’s what.

I have my first consultation for top surgery in 3 weeks which I’m super excited for! I literally can’t wait!

Week 45 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

That’s all for now,

Peace out

Zak