2018 – What a year!!!

Yet another year is nearly over and 2019 is just on the horizon.

Its been another year full of ups and downs and for the most part its been an absolutely incredible time.

March was probably the most eventful months of this year, I got snowed in on my birthday due to storm beast from the east, two weeks after my birthday my 3rd nephew came into the world, I changed my name to Zak and the end of March was when I started a relationship with someone I’d been getting to know for a few months.

That was the start of an incredible 7 months and despite how things have ended I wouldn’t change a single thing.

The summer weather definitely made up for the freezing cold, snowy March. Summer was crazy hot! For months! And England qualified for the semifinals for the first time in forever!

I applied for and got my first passport in this millennium! My last passport ran out 14 years ago! I now have valid ID… which I’ve not needed yet 😂

I took my partner and my dogs on my first holiday in 10 years. We went to Dawlish in Devon, it’s such a beautiful part of the country. It was so nice to get away and that’s probably where I knew I was in love with this lovely human being.

Then came the Eminem concert at Twickenham stadium with my best friend. It was such an incredible experience, once in a lifetime opportunity! Just amazing.

End of July I had my first consultation for top surgery! Which is great!! I’ve picked a surgeon, I just need to chase up about a second appointment.

Towards the end of the summer, my partner and I went to Rize Festival in Chelmsford, which was an amazing experience as I’d never been to a festival before. It was insane! But so much fun, we saw some amazing artists like Rita Ora, Manic street preachers, Rag n bone man, James bay, Bastille many others. But my favourite by far was seeing Plan B! He was on fire! I definitely want to go to another festival again!!

In September I did something that made me hugely anxious but I braved it and I’m glad I did. I went to London, to a spiritual channeling to meet my beautiful, wonderful friend Pamela in real life. We’ve known each other for 10 years + but we’d never actually met. But when we met all my anxiety left, it felt like we’d known each other forever, I so didn’t want to let her go. I’m so pleased I went, it was amazing and just what I needed.

Towards the end of September, things sort of unravelled but that’s life. Things ended with my partner, mainly because I know exactly what I want and they were unsure. No point either of us wasting each other’s time, but we’re still friends, we still talk, even though sometimes I find it hard, I’m grateful we still talk.

We had an incredible 6 months together, made amazing memories together and despite what happened those things will never change. We will always have those memories together.

Sometime in the summer I quit my volunteer work, I was no longer getting anything from it and felt like I wasn’t being treated fairly and felt like my mental health was used against me and I was just surrounded by toxic people which is never good for anyone.

But I now volunteer at pause cat cafe as a cat care person, which basically means I make sure all 12 cats are happy and healthy, fed on time, clean up behind them and obviously have lots of snuggles and play time. It’s good fun 🙂

As in previous posts I’ll be starting the new year without certain people who I’ve removed from my life, which is good but scary, as I feel like I don’t really have anyone.

Anyway here’s to another year, I don’t know what’s in store but we’ll see.

^ what a difference a year makes

Peace out

Zak

Self care – Toxicity purge continued….

My previous post was written whilst I was on the bus, I took myself on a date night. I needed to get out as I was just sat at home, stuff running through my head and I didn’t know what to do with myself.

I decided that it would be good to get out for a bit, I looked up what was on at the cinema and took myself to see Mary Poppins returns and had a burger for dinner.

That afternoon I had posted some keys back to a person who I was planning on cutting out of my life, that felt good but still didn’t feel enough.

On the way to the cinema, I wrote because it was all sat under the surface and it all came tumbling out into words and I felt so much better for it, like I said in the previous post, I needed to vomit it out and purge myself from all this shit I was holding in.

I don’t know why I stop doing the things I know that help me to feel better. Some of it I suppose is self sabotage and partly being disconnected and disassociated from myself. If I’m not connected to myself it makes it harder to know what I need.

After the film, I went onto every social media I am on and blocked 2 people from everything, I even blocked them so they can no longer text or call me. I did it without explanation, as I felt no need to explain my actions to people who are committed to misunderstanding me. It felt like such a huge relief and also a bit scary too, but definitely more of a relief then anything else.

I’ve wanted to cut these two people out for while now but because I am so lonely and isolated, I’ve just been holding on to these toxic people for longer then I should have, due to fear of being lonely… which in itself is ironic as I was lonely anyway, so this won’t make any difference.

It’s always scary cutting people out of your life but I’m hoping if I keep letting go of all the bad/toxic things in my life then I will start attracting more positive things into my life.

It can only get better now right?! I have to be strong and resit the urge to contact these people and explain myself and or apologise. Neither deserve and explanation or an apology and I don’t need to explain my actions to anyone. As long as my heart is right that’s all that matters.

For too long I’ve held onto friendships/relationships that are toxic for fear of being alone but I end up feeling and being alone anyway, so I’m not sure why I held on for so long. I refuse to do it anymore, I refuse to be used, I refuse to be put down, I refuse to be dragged into pointless drama, I refuse to be dragged down. I am worth so much more, I deserve to be treated so much better, I need to find my peace and feel content.

I’ve done a lot of purging this week, I went through everything in my flat and I have so much I want to sell. There’s so much shit I’ve collected over the past 11 years and now it all just feels too much and I want it all gone.

A lot of it holds bad memories, bad energies and just no longer serves me. There was a time I collected Lego, putting Lego together helped me to relax, unwind and be in the moment and at that time it had a purpose and worked for me, but I haven’t played with my Lego for about a year. It was just all sitting around and it just looked cluttered. That’s one example and it feels great to start getting rid of stuff and at least having a lot of it out of sight.

I’m changing as a person and its not always comfortable or easy, most of the time its really uncomfortable and fucking hard but at the same time it feels great and it feels right, which is how I know I’m on the right path.

I’m anxious to do a carboot sale to get rid of everything, I have a couple of people that may help, I feel a bit restless as I want it all out of my flat like right now, so I can feel that release. But I have to try and be patient.

Anyway I’m rambling on a bit now, as I am exhausted. I have been all day, not sure why.

That’s all for now,

Peace out

Zak

Self care – toxicity purge

I haven’t written in about 4 months and I feel it, it’s all inside. So here is a long over due blog post… enjoy 🙂

I feel like I need to vomit everything out.

I feel like I need to purge myself of everything.

I’m holding on to too much shit that no longer serves me.

I want to write more, read more, create more.

But everything inside is holding me back.

I want to burn everything that is the old me.

Getting rid of the toxicity in my life, that includes toxic people.

I’m done being an option for people when they need me for something.

I want real authentic people, I want to find my tribe.

I know my value, I know my worth and for far too long I’ve let people treat me like I am less than, when I know I am more then that.

I don’t want people dragging me back to how I used to be and they expect me to still be the same.

I’ve worked too hard to get where I am and to some they may not see a difference but people see the version of you that’s convenient for them.

I’m done with fake people, don’t fake being interested in me or my life, I can spot it from a mile off and I certainly know when I’m being used.

I’m letting go of things that no longer serve me, people, materialistic things, behaviours etc.

I’ve got to keep moving forward for myself, no one else.

I’m living my most authentic life and I can only keep moving forward by leaving the toxic shit behind.

I’m not who I was 10 years ago, even 5 years ago. I’m so much happier, more at peace with myself, yes I still struggle but I’m only human.

I’m far from perfect and I’ll always be a work in progress. I will always continue to grow and move forward. I will always do my best no matter what life throws at me.

Peace out

Zak