Thought I’d share some stuff I’ve previously written but not posted. Here’s some random stuff from my weird brain
Written 28th March 1am (I remember crying towards the end which is why I didn’t finish it or post it.
Feeling a bit lost and overwhelmed right now and struggling to know how to keep moving forward.
I need to stop blocking people out and let the right people in.
I’m trying my best to put myself out there but it’s so hard.
I don’t feel like I belong to a community and I so need a community around me to help me grow, to help guide and mentor me. But I feel I’m too difficult to be around and I feel people are to busy with their own lives that I’d just be in the way.
I’ve never truly felt wanted by anyone and that’s so hard to deal with. It’s why I keep people away.
I think I’ve been disguising my depression and low self worth by keeping busy and keeping distracted but this evening I just let myself be and just sit. My brain is going a million miles just streaming all this stuff I want and need to get on with and just continue that purge. I’ve not really been sticking to one task at a time, it’s all been a bit disjointed and all over the place.
I don’t know if I’ll ever feel worthy of anything, I don’t know if I’ll ever have good friends, I don’t know if I’ll ever feel wanted.
I feel directionless and like I need help but I don’t know who I’d ask. I don’t feel worthy enough of someone’s time and help anyone.
I feel like a lot of my life I’ve just been let to just survive and figure stuff out by myself and in that respects nothings changed.
I’m heading towards some life changing events that I just feel so unprepared for and I feel like I’m going to have to figure it out myself and get through it on my own.
I miss my dad so much, there’s so he’s not here to teach me. He’s not here to just be there for me, I always felt unconditional love from him and he’s the only person I’ve ever felt safe to be truly vulnerable and honest about my mental health because he never judged me. I feel like I don’t have that anymore, I feel shut off from being like that because I’ve just had to survive and get through. But also I feel nobody really listens anymore, he may not of understood me completely but he tried his best and he always listened without judgement and without advice, he just sat, he listened and let me talk through it and then we’d have a laugh. I miss that so much and I need that again. But I don’t know where to find that.
I just feel so lost in my identity, there’s so much I wanna change with how I look, how I dress, my place. I want it all to reflect who I know I am inside, I need to shine. I just don’t know how too.
Written 5 April just before midnight (again I was crying writing it)
Still a lost, scared, lonely little kid. Nothing feels like it’s changing.
I’ve always been lonely, there was a time I had lots of friends but only when I made an effort.
Another one written on the 5th April
Pushed away everyone because I didn’t want to fit into a box.
I don’t want to be around the mental health community, I don’t feel I have it bad enough.
I don’t feel I fit into the trans community because I’m not trans enough.
I don’t feel I fit into the disabled community cuz I’m not sick enough.
I don’t fit anywhere, I’m not anyone.
Maybe it is me, I’m not perfect but I’m not a bad person.. but it must be me
Another 5th April, it’s more of an unfinished poem
Sitting in a rickety old boat, out in the middle of the sea.
I’m screaming and screaming but no one can hear me.
I hate the silence, it’s so loud.
Do I keep rowing in the darkness hoping I’ll eventually find the land? Or do I just stop and see
That’s all I’ve written lately, well I’ve had more running around my head but I’ve just not taken the time to write it down.