Maybe

Drowning in my emotions, don’t know what to do now.

Does it ever really get better or just always stay the same.

Patterns just seem to repeat over and over. I don’t understand how when I’m working so hard to change.

Maybe nothing really changes, maybe broken always stays broken.

I can’t keep feeling the same forever. I always just pretend to be ok, it’s the only way to get through each day.

Some say fake it till you make it. I feel like I’ll never make it, just be stuck in this circle forever, never being able to break away.

Why can’t I move forward, why do I keep feeling like a lost little kid, same old story over and over. Why isn’t it changing.

Tired of trying, tired of trying to be a better me. Seems to still end up in the same place.

Trying to break these patterns but I’m just not strong enough.

Maybe I’m not meant to be happy, maybe what I want will always be unobtainable for me.

Maybe broken stays broken.

Zak

Warm weather and dysphoria

It’s good Friday today, the suns out and it’s really warm. For most people they don’t think too much about what to wear, how they feel etc.

For me personally I really struggle when it’s warm. Stress about what to wear because I can’t stand being hot but I always want to disguise my chest without binding all day long because it hurts and makes me more exhausted come the end of the day.

I’m so over it, I want top surgery so bad. I just want to be able to enjoy the sunshine without being stressed out, disconnected, struggling with disassociation.

It makes me feel so angry, agitated and anxious. I try my best just to get on with it and enjoy myself but it’s so difficult.

Meh 😔

Peace out

Zak

Random brain stuffs

Thought I’d share some stuff I’ve previously written but not posted. Here’s some random stuff from my weird brain

Written 28th March 1am (I remember crying towards the end which is why I didn’t finish it or post it.

Feeling a bit lost and overwhelmed right now and struggling to know how to keep moving forward.

I need to stop blocking people out and let the right people in.

I’m trying my best to put myself out there but it’s so hard.

I don’t feel like I belong to a community and I so need a community around me to help me grow, to help guide and mentor me. But I feel I’m too difficult to be around and I feel people are to busy with their own lives that I’d just be in the way.

I’ve never truly felt wanted by anyone and that’s so hard to deal with. It’s why I keep people away.

I think I’ve been disguising my depression and low self worth by keeping busy and keeping distracted but this evening I just let myself be and just sit. My brain is going a million miles just streaming all this stuff I want and need to get on with and just continue that purge. I’ve not really been sticking to one task at a time, it’s all been a bit disjointed and all over the place.

I don’t know if I’ll ever feel worthy of anything, I don’t know if I’ll ever have good friends, I don’t know if I’ll ever feel wanted.

I feel directionless and like I need help but I don’t know who I’d ask. I don’t feel worthy enough of someone’s time and help anyone.

I feel like a lot of my life I’ve just been let to just survive and figure stuff out by myself and in that respects nothings changed.

I’m heading towards some life changing events that I just feel so unprepared for and I feel like I’m going to have to figure it out myself and get through it on my own.

I miss my dad so much, there’s so he’s not here to teach me. He’s not here to just be there for me, I always felt unconditional love from him and he’s the only person I’ve ever felt safe to be truly vulnerable and honest about my mental health because he never judged me. I feel like I don’t have that anymore, I feel shut off from being like that because I’ve just had to survive and get through. But also I feel nobody really listens anymore, he may not of understood me completely but he tried his best and he always listened without judgement and without advice, he just sat, he listened and let me talk through it and then we’d have a laugh. I miss that so much and I need that again. But I don’t know where to find that.

I just feel so lost in my identity, there’s so much I wanna change with how I look, how I dress, my place. I want it all to reflect who I know I am inside, I need to shine. I just don’t know how too.

………………………………………………………..

Written 5 April just before midnight (again I was crying writing it)

Still a lost, scared, lonely little kid. Nothing feels like it’s changing.

I’ve always been lonely, there was a time I had lots of friends but only when I made an effort.

………………………………………………………..

Another one written on the 5th April

Pushed away everyone because I didn’t want to fit into a box.

I don’t want to be around the mental health community, I don’t feel I have it bad enough.

I don’t feel I fit into the trans community because I’m not trans enough.

I don’t feel I fit into the disabled community cuz I’m not sick enough.

I don’t fit anywhere, I’m not anyone.

Maybe it is me, I’m not perfect but I’m not a bad person.. but it must be me

………………………………………………………..

Another 5th April, it’s more of an unfinished poem

Sitting in a rickety old boat, out in the middle of the sea.

I’m screaming and screaming but no one can hear me.

I hate the silence, it’s so loud.

Do I keep rowing in the darkness hoping I’ll eventually find the land? Or do I just stop and see

………………………………………………………..

That’s all I’ve written lately, well I’ve had more running around my head but I’ve just not taken the time to write it down.

Peace out

Zak

Disconnected

Today’s been weird, this morning I was organised, got shit done, felt good. By sort of 13:30pm I was just done for the day .

I wanted to sleep because I was tired but I couldn’t settle. So just spent most of the afternoon zoned out, completely disconnected. I just feel like a zombie, it’s hard to get out of that feeling too.

I just feel nothing but everything at once. It’s so overwhelming.

Still after all these years I still feel so guilty about not being productive enough, or well just not being enough full stop.

It doesn’t help that it’s a full moon this weekend and I’m due my T shot Monday, they are all added factors.

Having a hard time focusing, concentrating and just getting thoughts in order. Everything feels disorganised. I feel out of place.

Not sure if it’s depression or not… I dunno. I don’t really know how to fix it either I’m not sure what’s going to help.

Peace out

Zak

Still here

Again I’ve not written for a few months for various reasons. One being that I’ve not really been present, I’ve been disconnected and just in my own little world lately.

The other reason is I often don’t feel like I have anything new to say or anything different to offer anyone. I’m not one for “content” and all that stuff. I’ve always blogged for me and part of me does want to be able to make a living from writing, whether that be blogging or whatever. But I always think I’m not good enough at anything, so I don’t try. If you don’t try you can’t fail right? But either way doesn’t make me feel good…

I have been writing a lot, but I’ve just not published anything. I have loads of blogs I’ve planned to do but just didn’t do it. Like 18 months on testosterone update, I just didn’t do it, which is sad for me because I enjoy writing and blogging.

It all goes back to zero self esteem and I’ve just been dealing with a lot too.

Back in January I was just so angry, so frustrated, so depressed that I just shut everybody out, I was just done. I’d had enough and to start with it was really hard being so lonely but I tried to make the best of it like I do with everything and some days we’re really good but ultimately I was still really lonely. I’ve realised I can’t push everyone away, so I’ve added a few people back on fb, reached out to others.

It’s still really hard and uncomfortable and I still feel so fed up with always reaching out and not getting much back, but any rejection is hard to deal with and I suppose it’s something I gotta work on and deal with.

I still feel very much like an outsider, I’m not one of these people who opens up easily to others, I don’t like to insert myself into people’s life, mainly because I don’t feel like I’m wanted… there’s that low self esteem again 😔 maybe I’ll always been an outsider, maybe one day I’ll find my tribe. I dunno.

I need to try learn to take compliments too, I’ve had a few recently and it makes me feel so uncomfortable, it makes me feel really cringy and weird and I always just think people say nice stuff cuz they have too, I always doubt it’s sincerity. It’s not something I’ve ever been good at, I tend to just deflect when I get a compliment. But I need to start saying thank you and maybe writing them down so I can reread it and see that I’m not as worthless as I think I am.

I will update more often and maybe upload stuff I’ve previously written, some of which is pretty dark and emotional but maybe if I get it out on here it will help me work through it.

Peace out

Zak