Self care – Being brave and asking for help

Dinner date and movie with myself tonight.

Something I’ve not done in a while, been too caught up with the negative stuff in my head, I forgot to love and take care of myself. Trying my best to get back on track.

I also did something that was huge for me this week… I asked for help and close friends will know this, it’s something I do very rarely and avoid where possible.

But in August I’m finally getting top surgery done 🙂 and I’m going to need help during recovery from more then one person. As it’s a lot to ask from one person, so I was brave and created a group chat. I was so scared that I would be rejected and everyone would be too busy to help but to my surprise everyone was just amazing and everyone was so happy for me and more then happy to help.

It’s such a huge relief to know I have people around me that love and care for me. I always knew I had friends but I’d convinced myself I wasn’t good enough to have real friends and eventually if you tell yourself something long enough you believe it.

I need to work on my self esteem and self worth, this is definitely going to help 🙂 I’m not as lonely as I thought I was.

I’m going to try and trust more and open my heart more. I’m always standing in the way of myself, I need to move out of my way.

💜💜💜

Peace out

Zak

Negative spiral – update

This negative spiral, intense depression and anxiety is not good!

Slipping back into old behaviours and thought patterns that I worked so hard on to change.

I don’t mean to be a dick and come across as angry and ungrateful, I’m loosing grip on the ability to control it.

Back sliding happens I suppose, I try to be perfect but it’s not possible. I’m emotionally exhausted, trying to work through it on my own. I’m trying to be open but it’s so hard.

It’s hard not to get sucked into the belly of the negative hurricane of horrible words about myself that swirls around in my brain.

I make myself so sad, I’m trying my best not to be pulled further into the darkness, but there’s nothing to grab onto, the surfaces are slippery, I’m exhausted, it’s easier just to let go.

I do have an appointment next month with my psychiatrist, I’m going to ask for therapy, as I feel I need a DBT update, as it was 6 years ago since I finished it. I think I would benefit from a refresher to help set my brain back on the right track.

Just know I’m trying

Peace out

Zak

Negative thought spiral

I pick one thing that makes me sad and upset and apply it to every single thing in my life.

I start off feeling a bit sad and I obsessively think about every single negative thing and end up feeling so depressed I just want to stop existing, wanting the pain to end.

I just can’t stop these negative spirals, especially when I’m alone.

It starts with the smallest negative thought and ends up in a mass of messy thoughts, that I can’t stop, I can’t make go away.

I make myself feel so alone, so sad.

I hate this.

Peace out

Zak

Pink sunset

Photography is one of the things that make me really happy.

Last night I took my dogs for a little walk and we sat by the water watching the gorgeous pink sunset.

Here are the pictures I took, I’m by no means a professional photographer, it’s just a passion of mine.

I love sitting by the water with my dogs, it’s so peaceful and somehow everything just makes sense.

Peace out

Zak

Transition update

I don’t when I last posted an update about my transition stuff, but I have exciting news 😁

I am now 21 months on testosterone, my two years on T will be 22nd August. Everything with T is going well, I do my own shots now every 3 weeks, which is cool.

I got a letter the other day about arranging my first appointment at Harley Street to talk about lower surgery, which is super exciting! I’m just waiting waiting for them to call me to discuss a first appointment.

I got a call on Friday from Plymouth hospital and I booked in for top surgery! I have an initial appointment 1st August and my operation will be 20th August!

It’s only 3 months away! I’m super excited, I don’t think it’s quite sunk in yet. This means everything to me, it will be my freedom!

It’s scary and exciting but it’s absolutely everything. I’ll finally feel like me, hopefully I’ll feel more confident and less self conscious and maybe it will help my low self esteem.

I can’t really express how much this means to me. I can’t believe I’ve got a date! It’s insane, I mean I was waiting for a date but it somehow still felt so out of reach.

I can’t wait for the relief, my chest gives me the most dysphoria and causes me the most stress and anxiety. I feel emotional just thinking about it and how life changing it will be. I really can’t wait.

Peace out

Zak

Brownsea Island day trip

I went to Brownsea Island this week with my friend H for her birthday.

It was so nice, saw loads of wildlife up close and I got some great pictures.

I love being outside in the woods, surrounded by wildlife, it really helps ground me and makes me happy.

Here are some of the pictures I took 🙂

I feel more at peace when I’m outside, taking pictures. It’s definitely my happy place

Peace out

Zak

Laid bare

I’ve been mia for a while, I’ve not been posting regularly like I was, for a number of reasons, which I’ll explain as I write this.

I’m feeling pretty vulnerable at the moment, so this is going to be hard and uncomfortable. But it’s something I need to do, I need to get it out and be brave and open myself up.

I’ve been really shut down for the last 8 months, which was around when I spilt up with the person I was dating last year.

I opened myself up and ended up getting hurt, so I did what I always do when I’m hurt, I just shut down, shut everyone out. But I’ve learnt all that does it hurt me more and other people cuz I’m often a absolute dick to people, which I hate but it feels safer then being vulnerable with people.

I’m still good friends with the person I was with last year, which I love but at the moment it’s really hard to not be super needy and just need them and want them to be here and make everything better.. which is ironically where I went wrong in the relationship. I put her on a pedestal and hoped being with her would fix everything and that’s a lot to expect from one person let alone a relationship. That’s not how they work and that’s where I seem to always go wrong. My feelings always just get too intense and I get too much, I expect too much and actually this time I crossed major privacy boundaries and went through her phone, which I regret and still feel so guilty about. I behaved like a jealous child. But it was like an impulse I just couldn’t control. I still give myself a hard time about it, I’ve not forgiven myself yet.

Ultimately the breakup was mutual although she initiated it. It wasn’t meant to work out.

I need to be with someone who’s not embarrassed to be with me, who won’t hide the fact their with me, I deserve that much I know.

From there my mental health has just spiralled down. I think I’ve disconnected with anything mental health related because I didn’t want to have it anymore, I just wanted to be fixed and move on and just have a good life, like everybody else. But I realise I’ll never be like everyone else, maybe I was always meant to stand out and be different which I hate because I’ve tried so hard my whole life to fit in but I never have. Maybe this is it, maybe I’ll always have to work harder then everyone else just to be where I want to be.

Everyone shines, they know who they are, where they’re going in life. I still at 34 have no idea who I am, what I want. I don’t try because I’m so scared to fail but I’m also scared to succeed. I hate being centre of attention. I have no self esteem anymore, I don’t think I ever did. The last few months I’ve just been listening to the negative words running through my head every second of every day, mentally bashing myself. I’m so horrible to myself but I can’t stop.

I doubt this will make much sense because I’m really struggling to organise my brain and thoughts, everything is just all over the place. My brain is just all jumbled up at the moment and it takes so much energy to just get myself organised enough to get out of the flat.

I’ve been trying really hard to fake it till I make it, but I really can’t do it anymore, it’s too hard and it’s not working. I got myself a voluntary job, I started a social group etc I thought it would help and for the most part when I’m out doing stuff it helps, but as soon as I’m on my own again it’s like a switch gets flicked off and my brain is just done.

I’ve really been struggling with depression, anxiety, insomnia, disassociation, gender dysphoria and it’s all just overwhelming and too much for me to deal with alone anymore. So I made an appointment with my GP, I’m going to ask him to refer me back to the community mental health team, I need meds upped and probably need some therapy or something. But this time I need to be super honest and not hold everything in like I can just handle it all, because well no one can do that, not forever anyway.

I think recently I’ve felt worse, for a few reasons, I’m just emotionally exhausted from trying to hold everything together on my own, I’ve stopped doing things that I know help, I’ve been spending too much time on social media, wishing my life was different, knowing full well social media creates a fake reality, it still effects me. I’ve just had zero motivation to do anything, I have to push myself from the moment I get up, some days I can do stuff other days I fail and the furthest I get is from my bed to the sofa and back, with 2 15 mins walks for my dogs.

I don’t feel anything either, just numb all the time.

Everyday I wake up and pretend everything is ok and just fake my way through what I have to do. But inside all I want to do is just be at home where I feel safe. I’m a pretty good actor, some days in front of certain friends I can’t hide it and the darkness seeps out but to most people they see me smiling and happy and it couldn’t be more opposite.

It’s getting harder to just pretend, it’s getting harder to keep it together, it’s getting harder to keep everything inside.

I feel so small, so worthless and that’s another reason I’ve not sought help sooner is because I am trans and have physical health issues, I feel like I don’t deserve help because I already have so many issues. I’m just a drain on society so why waste more money on me.

I know it’s completely self loathing and probably comes across like I’m playing the victim or something (something I’ve recently been told I was doing and tbh hands up I probably was because I was angry and I couldn’t be the rational adult I know I can be) but it’s genuinely how I feel like a lot, all this negative mass of self loathing words swirling around my head daily, I try and say nice things to myself but I just don’t connect with them so I just can’t believe them.

I need help, I need support, whether that be meds’ and therapy or whatever but I’ve finally come to terms with the fact I just can’t do this on my own anymore. My GP is ringing me tomorrow and hopefully I can say everything I need too and maybe get referred back to the community mental health team.

I don’t want to feel like this forever, I want to feel better and I want to feel better about myself and stop destroying myself. I want to try and fail and try again until I succeed at something.

I want help with dealing with disassociation, I’ve just been doing things myself on a trial and error basis to help my dissociative moments. I don’t know if it’s the right thing or not and what I try and do to help myself doesn’t always work. I want to feel more connected with myself, at the moment myself, my brain and body just seems to be fragments floating around bumping into each other but never connecting. It’s really weird, I want to feel like a whole person.

I’m just so emotionally exhausted, I just want some relief. I feel like I’m wading through mud with no end in sight, I’ve ran out of ideas and steam, I can’t help myself anymore on my own. I wake up just as exhausted as when I went to sleep.

So yeah this is me laid bare, heart on the table.

Peace out

Zak