This isn’t something I’ve spoken about much, mainly because it’s something that’s happened gradually over my transition.
Looking through Facebook memories and the last year I’ve taken a less selfies, compared to previous years where I’ve posted multiple selfies a day.
I think a lot of it is that now I’m nearly 2 years on testosterone, I’m more self conscious, so don’t want to see pictures of myself.
Maybe after top surgery I’ll feel more myself and much more confident in myself.
I’ve become really closed off and extremely anxious about like everything. I shut people out, cut people off, really easily. Which is not me at all, I’m slowly starting to open myself up again and pushing through the fear, anxiety and negativity.
Again I think top surgery will help with a lot of it. I know it won’t be the absolute solution and I still have a lot of work still to do on myself. But I think it will be a big relief.
I took a couple of pictures today with my dogs which was cool, I felt ok about it.
^ me and Foxy girl
^ me and Scrappy doodles
I’ve also been shaving my face once a week to get the hair growth to come through. Because I gets spots around my chin and upper lip I don’t want to shave more often than that as it makes them sore, so once a week is enough for now. That’s another thing that makes me anxious/gender dysphoric is that my legs are super hairy but my face isn’t yet. I know in time it will get more fluffy but it does get a bit frustrating.
Anyway that’s all for now
Yesterday I went to see the Doc that will be doing my lower surgery.
It went really well, he’s happy for it to be done from my arm.
But because of previous bone fractures and my physical health stuff I need to have a scan of my wrists to check the blood flow. As where they take a vein out ( to use for the pee tube) the remainder of them needs to be strong enough to carry enough blood through to keep my hand alive and also I may have problems with my body rejecting the skin grafts cuz of physical health stuff but other than that everything should go well and I’ll be referred back for a proper appointment as this was just an information appointment but useful to have especially with my complications.
I also now know exactly what I want done, as there are various different ways to do this surgery, which is good. I’m so excited for this part of my journey. One thing I will share about the details of the surgery is, at the time of the first lower surgery op I’m going to have a full hysterectomy, removing everything. The other details are a bit more intimate and sensitive, but I will share it at some point.
I’ll now have to be officially referred for lower surgery, I have to be seen within 12 months of the referral, although if they’re busy they can extend it. But I’m focusing on getting through top surgery first and try to not get too excited about the next step.
So exciting!!! 🥳🥳🥳
^ one of the many trains I took with my friend yesterday
T shot day!
It really struck me today and it’s not just a sudden realisation, it’s something I’ve always known but don’t always acknowledge. I think it’s important to acknowledge the fact that I know I’m super lucky to have access to testosterone and free healthcare for my physical transition and for that I am extremely great.
I think it’s important to acknowledge privilege and be grateful. Because not everyone gets free healthcare, let alone healthcare for their transition.
Being trans for me has been a long road and the road ahead seems to be endless.
At a point the physical transition will end but I feel that the emotional transition will continue, I’m not sure it will ever end. We are always changing, I hope I can continue to change and grow into who I am.
I know I’ve not posted regularly about my transition recently but I think it’s because I’ve felt vulnerable, anxious, self conscious, depressed and I don’t just not good enough.
I’m trying my best to open myself back up, but I’ve been so shut off it’s hard to move towards that light again. But I’ll eventually get there I’m sure 😊
I wrote this last night, despite a nice day the darkness still takes a hold of me and I can’t shake it off
You ever just feel like you’re a total inconvenience to everyone?!
But it’s almost like they only stick around out of duty and pity they feel for you.
You ever feel so lost and alone, fractured and broken that nothing seems to make a difference anymore.
I feel like I’m being left behind, like I’m on the outside of life, peering in to catch a glimpse of things that could have been.
I feel like I’ve wasted so much time doing nothing and I still have no idea what to do.
Like why am I even here? I have no purpose, no point.. directionless child who is just floating around in the darkness all alone.
Faking being ok for my whole life, I can’t keep it up, it’s a heavy weight. But I feel I can’t be depressed all the time because well people don’t like that.
I’m just an old toy left upon the shelf, battered and bruised, broken and dusty. Left unloved, forgotten and alone.
I want to step into the light out of this darkness, I’m tired of going it alone