Vasculitis sucks! – living with a chronic illness

Yesterday was so long and exhausting, not only did I have to go to Christchurch hospital but I also had to go to the chemist in Bournemouth hospital… but that’s a whole other story.

Yesterday I saw a vasculitis nurse because I’ve been having nosebleeds and I’ve had a chesty cough for a few weeks.

But this nurse wasn’t qualified to write a prescription and she wasn’t qualified to listen to my chest. It was all very frustrating because as my bloods, blood pressure and pee sample we’re all fine there wasn’t much she could do…

So she ended up calling in my Doctor to listen to my chest, which of course was clear. But he gave me a prescription for antibiotics as I have been coughing up green crap so that’s indicative of an infection, but I have no other real signs then that. He also is going to refer me to another ENT doctor as my current one is a jerk! Last time I saw him I was really ill but because my nose looked fine then I must be fine… so hopefully a new ENT doc will be more thorough.

The only good thing the nurse did notice with me is that I’m not steady on my feet and she asked me questions about my legs and I explained my knees bend back and both knees turn in and as a child I had my shoes built up by the hospital and had special in souls made as well, but I’ve had nothing as an adult other then physio on my legs. So she’s going to refer me to a physiotherapist, which is cool and a pediatrist to have a look at me, although I’m not sure in souls will fix this problem but we’ll see what happens. I’ve had problems since with my legs since I was born so I’m not sure how much these appointments will help, but I can only go and see.

After I got my prescription they said I needed to go to the boots in Bournemouth, so I assumed they meant in town, but what they didn’t say was they meant Bournemouth hospital.

I got to the boots in town and they said I needed to go to Bournemouth hospital. I was so angry because by that point I’d been up since 6 am, out since 7:45 am and it was now midday and I was absolutely exhausted and in so much pain with my joints.

I had to wait for half an hour for the bus and when I got to the hospital I was waiting for about 25 mins for my meds.

I didn’t have to wait too long for the bus back but that took an hour. M

I slept for a bit when I got in, which was much needed.

I’m hoping the antibiotics work and my chest feels better and hopefully these nose bleeds will stop.

On top of all that my gender dysphoria was bad but I’ll leave that for another blog.

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 30 on T

Another week on T, I think I’ve been on testosterone for about 7 and half months now which is cool.

I had my peak testosterone blood test this morning, hate the fasting ones! especially at the moment as I’m on a higher dose of steroids for my chest, so I’m so hungry all the time. I can’t wait to come off them again, I should be finished them by next Friday I think.

Feeling good, nothing much to report really with the physical transition. I sent my deed poll back yesterday! So really excited about that, can’t wait until its all sorted.

I got a new nephew on Sunday which is super exciting! He’s right lil chunk, 9lbs 3! I’m going to see him a bit later, can’t wait.

I’ve got such brain fog at the moment because of the steroids, I can’t really think straight. My heads all foggy, its so frustrating.

I’ve not really been up to much, I’ve just been trying to get better, as I’ve had a really bad chest infection. It finally seems to be shifting now, which is good.

I did a Tai Chi class yesterday, which was really cool. I really enjoyed it, definitely want to find one locally, if I have the confidence to join.

All transition stuff is going well, I can’t wait for my first consultation of top surgery in July, it can’t come soon enough. Its the only thing that’s really distressing and I want sorted like right now. I may look into how much it would cost privately and see if I’m eligible for a credit card… because the wait is just so long. Its something I’m going to look into and do some research.

That’s it for now.

Week 30 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 29 on T

This week I have some big news! But before I talk about that I’ll talk about other stuff that’s transition related.

This morning I had a blood test to check my testosterone levels, this is the trough which means that my testosterone levels will be at their lowest. I then had my testosterone injection done, which went well. Next Tuesday I have another blood test which will be the peak of my testosterone levels and from that they can work out if my levels are too low or high enough. I’m still not convinced that my levels will be high enough but I’ll find out next week.

Again no massive physical changes going on, other then my hair on my face, chest and stomach is getting darker which is really cool. I’ve still not had the confidence to start shaving yet but I’m in no rush. Voice is definitely starting to change, it sounds more noticeable to me now, so that’s pretty cool and others are starting to notice it too.

The gender dysphoria hasn’t been too bad over the last few days, that’s mainly because my mood has lifted a bit, which makes everything a lot easier to deal with. I feel like I’ve got a bit more positive energy going on. I felt a real energy shift on Saturday and I’ve been feeling really calm and peaceful, it feels so nice.

I’m ill yet again at the moment, I have a chest infection so I have more antibiotics and a higher dose of steroids. Hopefully it will kick it soon, I’ve had a high temperature, I ache so much and my chest has been really sore. I’m anticipating a bit of insomnia though being on 35mgs of steroids, hopefully it wont be too bad.

So the big news! which I have left till last on purpose. 9 years ago before I even realised I was trans, I changed my name to Dyllan. I wanted to change my name as I’d always hated my birth name, it never felt right, it never felt like it was me at all. I always felt disconnected from my birth name. I purposely picked Dyllan as its the unisex was of spelling it and I was so sure I wanted a unisex name, but I couldn’t tell you why I wanted a unisex name, I just did. Now it all makes sense as to the why I did what I did.

Recently I have been thinking a lot about my name and how I want to change it to a masculine name, rather then have a unisex name. Since starting testosterone and having physical changes to my body, I’ve been wanting to move away from everything associated with pre-transition. So I have decided to change my name to Zak, its a name that I’ve always loved and it was the name I really thought about a lot when I changed my name to Dyllan. My middle nephew Leo’s middle name is Zack, so it’s cool we’ll have that little connection.

I told my bro and sister in law the other day and they’re both happy about it. My bro said oh well least I can spell that! lol!!! and I’ve told all my friends and had a good response from everyone which is really awesome. I ordered my deed poll yesterday morning, I’m super excited and it shouldn’t take too long to sort out.

The only people I’ve not told yet is my mum and grandparents… But mother is never happy with anything I do in my life, so I know she won’t be happy. I’m not sure how my grandparents will react. But I’m already anticipating a negative response but in all honesty their opinion really means nothing to me. We have no emotional connection, yes we are family but they’re like strangers to me.

Anyway I’m super happy with my new name, it feels so good and feels really right. It feels like the natural progression of my transition, the next step. I feel really content and peaceful and I’ve not felt like that in a few weeks, so its a nice relief.

That’s all for now 🙂

Week 29 on T

^ This weeks picture

Week 29 on T comparison pic

^ Can’t believe how different I look! so awesome

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 25 on T

I don’t know where to even start this week, its not been the best week ever.

I’ll stick to transition stuff for now and I may write another blog about everything else I’ve got going on. I probably need to get it out, as I find writing always helps me process me emotions a bit easier then just talking about things.

Anyway transition stuff, again not much to report but I suppose there wont be as I do these updates weekly. Some people have said my voice sounds a bit different this week so that’s cool.

I can’t write anymore, my brain has shut off. I’m tired and even sure how I’m doing right now.

Week 25 on T

^ This weeks pic

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Dyllan

Transition update – Week 6 on T

I missed updating on week 5 as I just didn’t have the time, as I mentioned in my last post I was at my friends place looking after her two boys and her dog, along with my two dogs.

I thought I would have time but looking after kids is hard work, there’s school runs, cooking, tidying up, homework…urgh homework! etc and on top of that they gave me their germs, it started off with a cold but now I’m on antibiotics for a chest infection.

The change I started noticing last week was dark hairs growing on my chin, which is pretty cool. I’ve tried to take a picture of it but haven’t been able to get the right angle or lighting. I already have a pretty dark moustache area, I always have done and I used to get bullied a lot about it at school but I have noticed that my moustache area has got darker and the hairs are coming further down which is all cool by me.

I don’t think I’ve ever examined my face as much as I have since starting testosterone. I’m constantly looking at myself, looking at and squeezing spots that are all over my forehead, constantly checking for hair in the beard area. It’s funny because I’m not a huge fan of looking at myself in the mirror but now I’ve just been scrutinising ever inch of my face, several times a day.

Week 6 – I’ve not noticed any new changes, its hard to notice if my voice has changed much because of my chest infection and I just sound like I’m ill.

Since starting T my mood has been pretty good, I’ve had a few up and down days but nothing major. Today my mood has been pretty shitty, I think I woke up feeling in a bit of a funk but the days events just haven’t helped how I’ve been feeling at all. I just tried to ignore how I’ve felt and just carried on but as the day went on and things irritated me. The more things irritated me the more I’ve felt really fucking frustrated and angry, yeah I get moments when I’m angry and frustrated but I usually get over it. Today I just feel low and irritable and I can’t seem to get out of it. I’m notching it up to the testosterone and its ok to feel low and irritable and after all I have a chest infection so that is probably impacting on my mood as well. I’m feeling more tired, more achy and just feel ill right now, I just need to look after myself and do things that are good for me, like resting, napping, meditating, reading, being outside in nature with the dogs, eating well, the usual self care stuff.

Anyway below is a pic of last week and this week

Week 5 on T

^ Week 5 on T

Week 6 on T

^ Week 6 on T

Peace out

Batman

Health update – New Med Regime – So far So Good

I haven’t posted for a while in detail about my  health issues and transition, so as I am sitting at the laptop downloading pictures and stuff I thought I would write about what’s been going on in a bit more detail.

In January I finally had my first appointment with my new Rheumatologist in Southampton hospital and it went really well and he was super nice. I saw him again on 2nd March, which was also my birthday lol. He started me on a new med called Mycophenolate 500mgs twice a day. It’s going ok so far, it’s caused a bit of insomnia but I am hoping that will sort itself out. I got back in 4 months time, which is good. I also got to have monthly bloods again now I am back on an immunosuppressant drug, which I’m used too having been on Methotrexate.

This week I saw my new ENT doc at Southampton and he gave me Neil med Sinus rinse, Flixonase nose drops and a 8 week course of Doxycycline to try and get on top of this sinus infection, before we talk about any surgical intervention. Which I understand, he’s got protocols to follow. I really hope this all works out and we don’t have to go down the surgical route. I got a follow up in June.

Mental health stuff is going ok-ish, just still struggling with dissociation, depersonalisation and derealisation. But I am finding that taking pics and posting on social media is helping me stay in the moment. Also I am finding things to do to keep me busy to help keep me in the moment, like playing on the PS4, Lego, playing with the dogs, arts and crafts etc I am really trying my best so I don’t have to go back to the CMHT.

On Thursday I saw the Endocrinologist at the gender identity clinic in London and he said my health issues and medication will not interfere with my medical transition, especially starting Testosterone. Which is absolutely amazing news, so so happy about that. The only thing he did say is that I’m overweight..yup already knew that lol! but he did also say that my last blood results said that my cholesterol was a bit high, so before starting T I’ve got to get my weight down otherwise I will be more at risk of a heart attack. Which is fine, I know I need to lose weight, I’m not happy with my weight as is it right now. My next appointment isn’t until June but I’ve been put on the cancellation list, fingers crossed it will be sooner. My next appointment will be hopefully where I get the yes to start T, so its all super exciting.

So yeah everything is pretty much going ok, I’m happy with my new med regime and I really hope it improves my health.

Peace out

Batman

 

Auto immune disorders suck!

My year has been pretty shit with the whole benefits thing but my health has really taken a dive this past year and all the stress hasn’t helped with that.

I keep looking back at all the things I did last summer and I feel sad because this years been a wash out. It’s been a mixture of being ill and having no money to do anything.

Yes last year I fractured 5 bones but I had a great time. Other then the fractures my health wasn’t that bad, it was manageable.

Being off the methotrexate has definitely caused most of the issues but I was put in a catch 22 situation. I either carried on taking methotrexate and just put up with the vomiting all the time or I stopped and chanced it. I chose the latter mainly because I had zero quality of life, I was sick at least twice and month and each time it would take me a few days to recover from it. It wasn’t pleasent at all and this had been going on for 2 years and I’d just had enough.

So last November I think, I decided enough was enough and I stopped it. Not really knowing what the knock on effect would be, so I chanced it. After all its better then vomiting twice a month.

The consequences of me stopping the methotrexate have been constant and horrific sinus infections, which often led to chest infections on top of that and its been a huge struggled to get it under control as I’m allergic to loads of antibiotics and one stopped working, another one gave me lots of side effects.

I stopped my antibiotics last week because of the horrible side effects, so I’m just winging it at the moment in hopes it doesn’t rear its ugly head again. But so far so good and I think its the longest I’ve been off antiobiotics this year and felt fairly ok.

Having a chronic illness is frustrating and unpredicatable, which is the worst thing because I can never say for certain how I’m going to feel until the day and how I’m going to feel after a certain activity, for example doing the housework. Some days it wipes me out for the rest of the day and other days I’m still able to carry on with my daily activies, it just depends.

I had a steroid injection in my knee again before I went up to London a week or so ago now and by now the swelling should have gone down but it hasn’t and the knee joint is bulging out still. It’s still quite painful most of the time but I’m waiting to see a physio about my kneecap. So I’m undecided about whether to wait for that appointment or make an appointmet to see my GP about it…This is my life lol! Organising what doctor to see about what and how long do I wait? Do I wait until it’s so painful I can’t walk? or go now when its just about bareable.. ARGH! Maybe I’ll chase up what’s going on with the appointment with the Physio, so I can make an informed decison.

So yeah, I’ve really struggled to keep well this year. No matter what I did nothing helped and there’s only so much resting I can do before I want to blow my brains out.

As you can imagine all of this has had a knock on effect on my mental health, because I’ve ended up being quite isolated, lonely and really depressed. I’ve even felt suicidal, with thoughts of self harm and one self harm incident. Yes that was a culmination of the benefit saga too but its all relevent. It just sucks! I wouldn’t wish my life on anyone.

I’ve kinda lost concentration now and the flow of what I was writing. So I’m going to take a break and wrap this up for now.

Peace out

Batman

Forever waiting – Massive catch up

Again it’s been just over a month since I last wrote anything about my exciting life lol, I’ve been struggling to write at the moment because my life is in a bit of a limbo and the benefits saga seems to be over shadowing everything else and the other stuff seems to be a lot of inconvenient bullshit, that occurs on a regular basis it seems at the moment. But like I said the benefits saga is the main concern and looks like it will be that way for another 3 months.

Whilst I am on the subject of benefits I may as well do a proper update of this ridiculous situation. So in my last post I said that the courts had gotten the appeal with all the information I sent and they were waiting to hear from the Department of Work and Pensions. It’s now 5 weeks later and I rang the courts up last week to see what was going on and they said it can take up to 12-17 weeks for a court date and I am on week 5, so I’ve possibly got to wait another 12 weeks or 3 months which makes it sound longer, just for a court date. September should be when I get a date but fuck knows when the date will be for, probably for 3 months after that, by September it will be 7 months since my money stopped but it all started back last September, when I got the form to fill out, December I had my face to face assessment, January they said no, February I did the mandatory reconsideration, last month I appealed that… and here I am yet again waiting. If I get a court date by September then it will be a year since this whole thing started and to be honest I’m surprised I’ve got through without self harming because it has been incredibly stressful, soul destroying and just utterly horrific. Having to do the appeals and write down all the things I cannot do or that I struggle to do, it has totally destroyed any confidence or self esteem I had about myself and has knocked me to the floor and I’ve been struggling to pick myself back up again. When I read the statistics about the people who have killed themselves because they’ve been deemed fit to work and are no longer entitled to disability benefits, I totally fucking understand why! I totally get it! I have felt so close to the edge and I’ve wanted to end it all several fucking times because I felt like I could just not do this any more. It does make you question the fact of well am I fit to work? Am I really this ill? Is it all just in my head? Even though the rational part of you knows you are ill and you are entitled to the benefits. It’s horrible questioning you’re entire life, whilst having to prove it to others who simply have no fucking clue. Right now this isn’t living it’s existing and everyone is entitled to a decent quality of life. I’m lucky that I have a few good friends who’ve helped me out with money, emotional support, love and just everything a great friendship is made of and I’m lucky to live in such a beautiful place, where I can sit by the water with my dogs just a stones throw from my house.

That nicely brings me onto the rest of my life and what I’ve been up too. I don’t feel like I’ve done a lot really and that’s mainly because everything I do something I have to then spend time recovering from it, which is frustrating to say the least because someone of my age shouldn’t have to rest and recover from activities that most people do without thinking. I’ve spent a lot of time with L and the boys either being here at mine or being at their place and as always its a good laugh but so exhausting, I honestly don’t know how she does it with all her problems too, big respect to her. L dyed my Mohawk blue 😀 and yeah it looks so awesome! I’ve also been regularly going to my groups and counselling, which at times has been hard because I have been so unmotivated and just so low but I’ve pushed myself through it all. Like I previously said I live a stones throw away from the sea and its such a beautiful place, when the weather is nice I could just stay out there forever. I’ve just been trying to maintain some sort of normality, which includes the odd treat for myself and the animals, its been the very rare occasion but I think we all to often forget the power of treating/pampering yourself has, whether it be ice cream, a facial, a holiday or a Lego set. Treating yourself isn’t something you should be ashamed of or guilty about, because lets face it no matter what walk of life you are from, life gets fucking hard and whoever you are, you should have enough self respect to say YES I deserve this. Yes I am on benefits but does it mean I am less worthy to treat myself then someone who works hard for their money? No! that’s what the media wants you to think with all there shit fucking shows about a small minority of people on benefits and they do not at all represent people like me, who have a well documented and real health condition that effects my daily life because they don’t want you to know about genuine people like myself, they have their own agenda and they just demonise everyone on benefits, which if you haven’t already guessed really grinds my fucking gears. Anyway that was off on a bit of a rant lol so back to what I was talking about, so yes I have continued to treat myself, obviously not as much as I did before as I’ve just not had the money but it has been an important part of keeping me going and keeping me sane. I’ve also taken a lot of time over the past month to just be by myself and not talking to anyone and that’s also been a vital part of getting through all this. Overall the last month has been good but the really low darkness is always there in the background, I’m just working really hard not to let it overpower me on a daily basis and I don’t think people appreciate just how hard it is, to battle with your own mind every second of every day, its exhausting. I’m not ashamed to say that I’ve been really low and struggling and I still feel low and I am still struggling and in all honestly without my lovely friends, my groups and counselling I probably wouldn’t be here right now. Besides I do not want to die as the person that isn’t my true self, I need to go through my journey to be the real me.

Moving on to my physical health, which as usual has been a bundle of fun…NOT! Where to start… I suppose I’ll start with my transition stuff as that is fairly straight forward because I am still waiting for my first appointment. But I am going to send them a letter with my new NHS number and ask if they know roughly when I should be hearing about my first appointment. To be honest right now I’m happy to be waiting for this for a few reasons, even though I’m desperate to get on my journey, I have other things in my life that need to be sorted before hand, ie money and meds, so its not really high on my list even though I want it so bad. Sometimes wants and needs differ and needs are more important. Last time I wrote about my knee and trying anti-inflammatory’s, I tried two and neither helped so two weeks ago today I had a steroid injection right into the joint and it has helped to a degree but it still keeps swelling up and hurting, it’s not as bad but still its not great. Also two weeks ago I started Gabapentin which is a anti-epileptic which is also used as pain relief. It seems to be working well along side my Tramadol but I am slowly lowering the Tramadol as my body is addicted to it and I want to see how well the Gabapentin works by itself. The other reason I want to come off the Tramadol is because I will need strong opiate based drugs after the surgeries I have throughout my transition. So I need to detox off it and hopefully when I need it in the future it will be more effective then it is right now. Oh my appetite is great since starting the Gabapentin, it has the same weight gaining effect as Quetiapine and I’ve put on 5lbs in two weeks. It does seem to be slowing down now and I’m not nearly as hungry as last week, I just couldn’t stop eating lol! I am being mindful of what and how much I am eating but it is hard. But to be honest I’m just glad I’m eating and its not a stressful thing. I’ve spoken to my GP about what’s happening with my referral to Southampton hospital and it’s basically down to my gender change…DO’H! So because I’ve changed my gender and title I effectively have become a whole new person, which is true but what happens is that all your medical history is deleted from the doctors system and your are put back on as a new patient, so what they are currently trying to do is get hold of the hard copy of my medical records in order to send to Southampton as they need to know everything before they see me. I certainly don’t remember everything that’s happened to me medically in the last 31 years because well its been loads lol. But yeah I’ve been assured that the practice manager is on it, I feel better now I know what’s happening but it is another thing that I am in limbo with. I swear I spend most of my time waiting for shit to get sorted out lol! Other then that not much has changed, still struggling with fatigue and not sleeping well but it is what it is, I wake up a few times a night sometimes and I just get up have a drink or a wee and sometimes I go straight back to sleep but sometimes I have to get up for a hour or so. I’m not stressing about this because my insomnia or painsomnia issues have been going on for so long now and I’ve tried everything to help me sleep through the night but its clearly not meant to be. I’m on long term Doxycycline at the moment so I’ve not caught any colds, although I have a bit of a chesty cough at the moment but that’s probably down to my sinus gunk dripping down to my chest, which ironically the Doxycycline is meant to help with…I feel its not working lol, my ENT app isn’t until next month so not much I can do or my GP can do right now.

Wow that’s a lot of stuff about me aha! I shall end on a update of my 4 four babies, who are all just in perfect health and are all amazing and are all helping me get through the darkest times and I am totally in love with them ❤

Ooh also here’s a few pics of us all

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^^ yeah boi I am 😀 haha

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IMG_2691IMG_2523

^^ Me and Harvey on his 9th Birthday last week ❤

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^^ Me and my boo boo ❤

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^^ Harley doing a bit of yoga lol

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^^Marley moo

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^^ Mr Scrappy doodle

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^^ My beautiful Foxy girl

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^^ I love this place

Right that’s all from this boi, its taken me hours to write this, its very therapeutic though and I do feel calm and grounded.

Peace out Batman

 

 

I am still a work in process – update on life.

WOW so it has been a long old few weeks since I last posted and a lot has happened.

First of all I would like to say that I cannot believe I have kept my shit together, despite all the trials and tribulations I have been through recently. If this was to happen to me say 4-5 years ago then I would have lost my shit ages ago and I would have self harmed A LOT! But I have kept as calm as I could and I’ve not self harmed at all, which proves to me that I’ve grown and that I do not fit the BPD diagnosis any longer.

Um so where to start….

So Scrappy had another trip to the vets last week as he was still poorly but not as bad as his first trip to the vets, so he was given something to balance all the good bacteria in his stomach and it worked really well and he was back to his usual self in no time at all. The vet suggested he be muzzled when he’s out to prevent him from eating shit he’s not meant too. My friend took us to get him a muzzle and it will be ok for now but he can get it off but hopefully he’ll get used to it. All my other fur babies are absolutely fine 🙂

Medical stuff – I saw my new ENT doc and he was ok, he has ordered me a CT scan of my sinuses to see where we go from there and antibiotics until we know what the next step is. He also did me a letter for my PIP.

I also saw my GP and he is doing my referral to Dr Edwards in Southampton hospital! woohoo! FINALLY! He also gave me some naproxen for me knees as they keep swelling up and are really painful.

Disability benefits stuff – So I have been working really hard on writing my appeal as the Personal Independent Payment people have refused my mandatory reconsideration, I feel I was penalised because it was in late, which was not in my control as I had a charity helping me and it was their responsibility, I have since had an apology from the charity but I am still planning on making a official complaint about it. But anyway the appeal has been written and amended by someone who knows what the requirements are etc and its absolutely spot on. It’s all slowly coming together and I will be able to post it on Monday.

Sorting this out has had a huge impact on my physical and mental health and my ability to do anything. I’ve missed a lot of my groups and counselling, I’ve been quite isolated and lonely. I’ve struggled just to do day to day tasks because I have been so tired, in so much pain and feeling far too overwhelmed, even taking a shower feels too much. It has certainly taken a massive toll on me and this whole process has been a huge trigger for the deep routed anger that is inside me.

This whole process has brought up a lot of stuff and has bought up a load of thoughts about all the times I’ve been let down by nearly everyone in my life, at every crucial moment in my life. My core memories aren’t all happy, great memories, they are mostly negative with a bit of trauma thrown in. I am feeling a lot of anger and I don’t know how to get rid of it in a normal healthy way, I know I am on the right path because I know I need to do something about this anger in a healthy way and my behaviour hasn’t been destructive at all, which is a vast improvement since I completed DBT. I just need to work out how to process it, where to start, what do I do?! I will meditate on it, look up ways to process deep routed anger and see where we go from here. I think though I need to stop fighting and rest, my fight, flight or freeze is stuck in fight mode just to get me through all this but, I need to stop for a bit, stop fighting and just be, that will be easier said then done, as I have spent a lot of time in fight mode recently just to get through each day!

How do I feel right now? I feel emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually exhausted. I need to rest and I will, I need to tend to all my needs and listen to my inner child and what he needs, this reminds me I want to learn more about this and re-parenting my inner child etc.

Just writing this has helped a bit but now I need to eat something and sleep 🙂

But just before I go, here are a few pictures of me and my babies ❤

^^ Marley Moo

^^ Harley playing with her new toys that my lovely friend made 🙂

^^ My beautiful Foxy girl

^^ My photography

^^ Scrappy doodles love swimming in the sea 🙂

^^ Me, I actually quite like this picture of me.

Peace out

Batman

Just one big vicious circle….

Ah what to write that is not along the same lines as what I have been writing so far this year and well last year… My life ladies and gentlemen is one HUGE vicious circle that I cannot stop and I fucking HATE! I don’t want to be in this circle any more! I want it to end NOW! 😦

Enough said right there ^^

I’m just SO over this all. Yet AGAIN I am on antibiotics for ANOTHER fucking sinus infection! Like I don’t suffer enough without this bs going on. Oh and I had a full on nose bleed last night..yeah it woke me up for like an hour :/ but felt much longer as all I wanted to do was sleep. Nose bleeds for me are a warning sign that something is wrong not that the Dr that saw me gave a fuck about anything I had to say, she just wanted to get me out the office and done with..

I am so sick of this fucking situation, I just want a break. Tomorrow I get to spend the day chasing people up and sorting shit out…Oh I cannot wait to do that! NOT! That in itself takes some much energy and emotional stress. I definitely need a secretary! I also need a sugar mumma Tongue Out that would make all this MUCH easier..but alas that is just a dream.

My life is right now is, antibiotics, other pills, chronic illness, chronic pain, low mood, benefits, phone calls, appointments, money worries…and it just goes around in a circle, the antibiotics finish and soon after the sinus infection comes right back again. I’m so sick of thinking about it, sick of this being my life! and as I am sat here writing this my nose is bleeding again..ffs! At least its not a heavy one but its still not a good sign, definitely think I am having a flare up right now.

I had to miss group again today, one because I had the doctors this morning and two because I just felt too ill to go anywhere. But I did get a call from My health My way, which is like a support place for people like me with chronic health issues. The lady was asking me for more details about me and my situation and said someone will contact me again, so that’s good. I hate missing group so much as its a lifeline of support and its not on next week due to annual staff leave..ah such bad timing but it is what it is I suppose.

Right now I am struggling to see any positivity or any hope that things will get better, or that I will get better. Its hard to keep my mood on a level as I’m standing on the edge of that black hole, my feet right over the edge, I have nothing to grab onto to stop me from falling in.

If my life were to be put on the scales then they would certainly look unbalanced and almost ready to topple over, I need something to help re-balance everything, but I don’t know what that would be or even look like. Everything just looks so bleak and black, like the colour has been drained out of my life. I certainly feel that if I were a colour I’d be black, mainly because that’s how I feel and because good days are extremely rare. Good days look like bright, colourful and happy, like purple, yellow, pink, orange, blue and other such wonderful colours, I miss good days, I hope I get one again soon.

I tried not to write about the same BS over and over but..well unfortunately my life is fucking BS right now and I have nothing else to talk about 😦

How do I feel right now? I feel tired, my body aches so much and I feel a bit low and empty.

I’m so glad I have the unconditional love of my 4 beautiful fur babies ❤

 and a picture of me 🙂

Peace out

Batman