Living in the darkness

I haven’t written anything on here for just over 2 months now, the main reason is I just got swallowed up whole by my depression and I just haven’t had the energy or desire to do the basic life things let alone sit down to write.

The main cause of my depression has been lockdown unsurprisingly, as it has I’m sure effected every single person in one way or another. It’s been an incredibly hard time and I haven’t experienced this depth of the darkness and isolation in such a long time and its not a place I like to be in. But I’ve had zero control in getting myself out of it and making myself feel better and you know right now that’s ok. My brain is doing everything it can to protect me from further tramua.

I’ve had silly comments from people who’ve said well I survived through it, I live in a beautiful area etc, which is extremely dismissive of how I’ve been feeling and its a reason why no one really knows just how bad and how dark the places I’ve been in recently because I get sick of this toxic positivity bullshit! Yes I’ve survived lockdown so far, but only fucking just and I mean I was on the verge at a few points of ending it all because the loneliness and depression was just so loud and it was so intense that I just didn’t and couldn’t deal with it anymore. But I did keep pushing through and its still not something I can feel proud about because I’m not out of the woods yet. I’m still pretty depressed, I’m just a fucking master at hiding it.

A few weeks ago it was my 3 years on testosterone and 1 year post op top surgery and in July I had arranged to meet up with some friends to celebrate as the previous years I haven’t and its something that’s extremely important to me and I wanted to celebrate, but it was pretty much a fail because most people bailed! which hurt like fuck and still fucking does and I’m still so angry and upset that I’m not overly interested in talking with the people that bailed. I tried to be happy and grateful for the few that did turn up but I just couldn’t, I was already extremely depressed and this just topped it off. Next year I’m not going to fucking bother! I am so fucking done with people!

People are so fucking fake! Always promoting mental health, self care etc but fuck me right! I don’t actually matter! I’m so fucking angry with people, I’ve been let down by everyone over the years and I have not one single person who I can rely on. I hate everyone, I don’t deserve to be treated this way, I bend over backwards to help anyone but no one seems to be able to celebrate something that’s extremely important to me. I am fucking done with everyone! I’m just not interested anymore. They can talk the big talk but I don’t trust that shit anymore, when it comes down to it, no one actually shows up for me.

All is does is make me feel like a really fucking shitty person! I feel like the worse person in the world cuz I’m 35 and still have no friends and I still don’t understand where I’m going wrong like wtf!? am I this fucking dumb?! I know I am far from fucking perfect, I know I’m an annoying dick head but I’m not a bad person. Yet shit like this makes me feel like the worst person in the world.

I see everyone else with their friends, having fun, doing stuff etc and there’s just me here on my own, like when’s it my turn?! When is it my turn to have friends and be happy? I fear my life will always be like this. I can’t seem the change the patterns no matter what I try, I try be like everyone else, I try and be myself, nothing works. So must be me right?

I’ve always felt like such an outsider, I feel like I’m from a different planet cuz I just don’t fit in socially, its too hard. But I don’t understand why I’m so different, I hate feeling like this. I don’t understand why people don’t like me or why people just can’t be bothered to put the effort in with me. I can’t change what I don’t understand.

I’m so fed up of writing about the same shit and crying about the same shit. I don’t think people understand the depths of my isolation really is. I have no emotional connections with anyone, certainly not my family and no friends. I’ve become so shut down emotionally so I can deal with this depression and loneliness, I can barely feel anything other then sadness and anger. I spend 99% of my time alone, there’s only 2 people who regularly message me and to be honest the last few months they’ve really helped get me through. But its still not the same as social interactions, I get so much from social interactions and I just haven’t had any for so long, its beyond difficult.

I’m back at counselling now, I begrudgingly went back. I enjoy going and I enjoy talking about stuff and its at least some social interaction for the week. But I’ve been in counselling for the last 20 years on and off, I’m starting to feel I’m too broken to ever be fixed and this is just my life forever now. My life has been hard and its still hard, with a few moments of happiness but they seem to be few and far between. The darkness is just so strong, its hard to climb out of it. Most days, I just let the darkness take over and I just sit and completely disassociate so I can just get through the day. I’m barely functioning most days, I have my non negotiable things I do each day, like take my meds, do my sinus rinse and take the dogs out, but the energy it takes just to do those small things is immense. I’m barely getting through each day and its exhausting. I want so much to be happy, to be loved, to have friends, to have adventures with my friends, but seems like that’s a lot to ask for. It’s all I’ve ever wanted from life. But damaged people don’t get a happy ending right? I just feel like I’ll be living in this darkness forever, its the only constant in my life over the years. I can’t remember when the darkness and I first met but I think I was quite young.

I do think my diagnosis of Bipolar is wrong, I reckon I have complex PTSD, autism spectrum disorder and ADHD as all 3 of these have symptoms that are the same or similar to bipolar and all 3 have overlapping symptoms with each other. I don’t have the energy to speak to my GP about any of this as I know I’ll get sent to my psychiatrist who doesn’t believe in adult ADHD, which is ridiculous and I just hate talking to him, I find it hard to get everything out as I feel like he’s sat there judging me, I always feel like he thinks that I’m just an attention seeker. So yeah I hate talking to him and I can’t ask for someone else as he’ll block that because he’s a prick! But hopefully through counselling I can figure some stuff out and maybe gather some evidence for a potential re diagnosis.

So yeah that’s me, writing out my heart and soul of darkness!

Peace out

Zak

Laid bare

I’ve been mia for a while, I’ve not been posting regularly like I was, for a number of reasons, which I’ll explain as I write this.

I’m feeling pretty vulnerable at the moment, so this is going to be hard and uncomfortable. But it’s something I need to do, I need to get it out and be brave and open myself up.

I’ve been really shut down for the last 8 months, which was around when I spilt up with the person I was dating last year.

I opened myself up and ended up getting hurt, so I did what I always do when I’m hurt, I just shut down, shut everyone out. But I’ve learnt all that does it hurt me more and other people cuz I’m often a absolute dick to people, which I hate but it feels safer then being vulnerable with people.

I’m still good friends with the person I was with last year, which I love but at the moment it’s really hard to not be super needy and just need them and want them to be here and make everything better.. which is ironically where I went wrong in the relationship. I put her on a pedestal and hoped being with her would fix everything and that’s a lot to expect from one person let alone a relationship. That’s not how they work and that’s where I seem to always go wrong. My feelings always just get too intense and I get too much, I expect too much and actually this time I crossed major privacy boundaries and went through her phone, which I regret and still feel so guilty about. I behaved like a jealous child. But it was like an impulse I just couldn’t control. I still give myself a hard time about it, I’ve not forgiven myself yet.

Ultimately the breakup was mutual although she initiated it. It wasn’t meant to work out.

I need to be with someone who’s not embarrassed to be with me, who won’t hide the fact their with me, I deserve that much I know.

From there my mental health has just spiralled down. I think I’ve disconnected with anything mental health related because I didn’t want to have it anymore, I just wanted to be fixed and move on and just have a good life, like everybody else. But I realise I’ll never be like everyone else, maybe I was always meant to stand out and be different which I hate because I’ve tried so hard my whole life to fit in but I never have. Maybe this is it, maybe I’ll always have to work harder then everyone else just to be where I want to be.

Everyone shines, they know who they are, where they’re going in life. I still at 34 have no idea who I am, what I want. I don’t try because I’m so scared to fail but I’m also scared to succeed. I hate being centre of attention. I have no self esteem anymore, I don’t think I ever did. The last few months I’ve just been listening to the negative words running through my head every second of every day, mentally bashing myself. I’m so horrible to myself but I can’t stop.

I doubt this will make much sense because I’m really struggling to organise my brain and thoughts, everything is just all over the place. My brain is just all jumbled up at the moment and it takes so much energy to just get myself organised enough to get out of the flat.

I’ve been trying really hard to fake it till I make it, but I really can’t do it anymore, it’s too hard and it’s not working. I got myself a voluntary job, I started a social group etc I thought it would help and for the most part when I’m out doing stuff it helps, but as soon as I’m on my own again it’s like a switch gets flicked off and my brain is just done.

I’ve really been struggling with depression, anxiety, insomnia, disassociation, gender dysphoria and it’s all just overwhelming and too much for me to deal with alone anymore. So I made an appointment with my GP, I’m going to ask him to refer me back to the community mental health team, I need meds upped and probably need some therapy or something. But this time I need to be super honest and not hold everything in like I can just handle it all, because well no one can do that, not forever anyway.

I think recently I’ve felt worse, for a few reasons, I’m just emotionally exhausted from trying to hold everything together on my own, I’ve stopped doing things that I know help, I’ve been spending too much time on social media, wishing my life was different, knowing full well social media creates a fake reality, it still effects me. I’ve just had zero motivation to do anything, I have to push myself from the moment I get up, some days I can do stuff other days I fail and the furthest I get is from my bed to the sofa and back, with 2 15 mins walks for my dogs.

I don’t feel anything either, just numb all the time.

Everyday I wake up and pretend everything is ok and just fake my way through what I have to do. But inside all I want to do is just be at home where I feel safe. I’m a pretty good actor, some days in front of certain friends I can’t hide it and the darkness seeps out but to most people they see me smiling and happy and it couldn’t be more opposite.

It’s getting harder to just pretend, it’s getting harder to keep it together, it’s getting harder to keep everything inside.

I feel so small, so worthless and that’s another reason I’ve not sought help sooner is because I am trans and have physical health issues, I feel like I don’t deserve help because I already have so many issues. I’m just a drain on society so why waste more money on me.

I know it’s completely self loathing and probably comes across like I’m playing the victim or something (something I’ve recently been told I was doing and tbh hands up I probably was because I was angry and I couldn’t be the rational adult I know I can be) but it’s genuinely how I feel like a lot, all this negative mass of self loathing words swirling around my head daily, I try and say nice things to myself but I just don’t connect with them so I just can’t believe them.

I need help, I need support, whether that be meds’ and therapy or whatever but I’ve finally come to terms with the fact I just can’t do this on my own anymore. My GP is ringing me tomorrow and hopefully I can say everything I need too and maybe get referred back to the community mental health team.

I don’t want to feel like this forever, I want to feel better and I want to feel better about myself and stop destroying myself. I want to try and fail and try again until I succeed at something.

I want help with dealing with disassociation, I’ve just been doing things myself on a trial and error basis to help my dissociative moments. I don’t know if it’s the right thing or not and what I try and do to help myself doesn’t always work. I want to feel more connected with myself, at the moment myself, my brain and body just seems to be fragments floating around bumping into each other but never connecting. It’s really weird, I want to feel like a whole person.

I’m just so emotionally exhausted, I just want some relief. I feel like I’m wading through mud with no end in sight, I’ve ran out of ideas and steam, I can’t help myself anymore on my own. I wake up just as exhausted as when I went to sleep.

So yeah this is me laid bare, heart on the table.

Peace out

Zak

Random brain stuffs

Thought I’d share some stuff I’ve previously written but not posted. Here’s some random stuff from my weird brain

Written 28th March 1am (I remember crying towards the end which is why I didn’t finish it or post it.

Feeling a bit lost and overwhelmed right now and struggling to know how to keep moving forward.

I need to stop blocking people out and let the right people in.

I’m trying my best to put myself out there but it’s so hard.

I don’t feel like I belong to a community and I so need a community around me to help me grow, to help guide and mentor me. But I feel I’m too difficult to be around and I feel people are to busy with their own lives that I’d just be in the way.

I’ve never truly felt wanted by anyone and that’s so hard to deal with. It’s why I keep people away.

I think I’ve been disguising my depression and low self worth by keeping busy and keeping distracted but this evening I just let myself be and just sit. My brain is going a million miles just streaming all this stuff I want and need to get on with and just continue that purge. I’ve not really been sticking to one task at a time, it’s all been a bit disjointed and all over the place.

I don’t know if I’ll ever feel worthy of anything, I don’t know if I’ll ever have good friends, I don’t know if I’ll ever feel wanted.

I feel directionless and like I need help but I don’t know who I’d ask. I don’t feel worthy enough of someone’s time and help anyone.

I feel like a lot of my life I’ve just been let to just survive and figure stuff out by myself and in that respects nothings changed.

I’m heading towards some life changing events that I just feel so unprepared for and I feel like I’m going to have to figure it out myself and get through it on my own.

I miss my dad so much, there’s so he’s not here to teach me. He’s not here to just be there for me, I always felt unconditional love from him and he’s the only person I’ve ever felt safe to be truly vulnerable and honest about my mental health because he never judged me. I feel like I don’t have that anymore, I feel shut off from being like that because I’ve just had to survive and get through. But also I feel nobody really listens anymore, he may not of understood me completely but he tried his best and he always listened without judgement and without advice, he just sat, he listened and let me talk through it and then we’d have a laugh. I miss that so much and I need that again. But I don’t know where to find that.

I just feel so lost in my identity, there’s so much I wanna change with how I look, how I dress, my place. I want it all to reflect who I know I am inside, I need to shine. I just don’t know how too.

………………………………………………………..

Written 5 April just before midnight (again I was crying writing it)

Still a lost, scared, lonely little kid. Nothing feels like it’s changing.

I’ve always been lonely, there was a time I had lots of friends but only when I made an effort.

………………………………………………………..

Another one written on the 5th April

Pushed away everyone because I didn’t want to fit into a box.

I don’t want to be around the mental health community, I don’t feel I have it bad enough.

I don’t feel I fit into the trans community because I’m not trans enough.

I don’t feel I fit into the disabled community cuz I’m not sick enough.

I don’t fit anywhere, I’m not anyone.

Maybe it is me, I’m not perfect but I’m not a bad person.. but it must be me

………………………………………………………..

Another 5th April, it’s more of an unfinished poem

Sitting in a rickety old boat, out in the middle of the sea.

I’m screaming and screaming but no one can hear me.

I hate the silence, it’s so loud.

Do I keep rowing in the darkness hoping I’ll eventually find the land? Or do I just stop and see

………………………………………………………..

That’s all I’ve written lately, well I’ve had more running around my head but I’ve just not taken the time to write it down.

Peace out

Zak

Being brave – asking for help

So a couple of days ago I deleted everyone off FB and at first it was out of anger and frustration and also a bit scary but it’s actually been really liberating as well, I don’t feel like there’s things that are expected of me, as there’s no one to see anything anyway.

Feels good, if people really want to remain friends then they know where I am.

Yesterday I was really down and feeling like I no longer wanted to exist, not suicidal just didn’t want to be here anymore. It’s something I’ve been struggling with for a few months.

I feeling lonely and frustrated, so I decided to go to the retreat at Hahnemann House, it’s a safe place to go if you feel like you’re heading in crisis or are in crisis.

I had the best time, I chatted, did mindfulness, played go fish. It was so nice to be around other people and the best part was for the first time in a long time I actually felt heard! Which for me is so important, as I often feel ignored, left out, not heard etc. It really made all the difference, if I hadn’t gone I could have ended up harming myself.

I’m on my way back tonight 🙂 I’m looking forward to it. Just to not feel so alone and to be safe.

I rarely ask for help, the last few years I’ve been much less open because I don’t feel heard so I gave up bothering.

I didn’t want to go to my GP or back to the psychiatrist because drugs will only mask the root cause which is social isolation, it won’t make things better. I’d rather work on myself to feel better then up my meds and just feel like a zombie.

Anyway that’s all,

Peace out

Zak

Today sucked

Today sucked!

I hate how sometimes a little change can cause such an extreme emotional reaction in me, it’s like I have no control over it and it just ruins the whole day.

Rather then just accept the situation as it is, my brain just over reacts and ruins the whole day and makes me feel like shit.

Then the negative thought cycle appears and it’s really hard to make it go away or to change it. It’s exhausting constantly fighting against yourself.

I’ve tried to get myself out of how I feel but hasn’t worked just yet. Although right now I feel more sad and lonely then anything else.

Earlier I was really fucking angry. That’s mostly gone now and just left with a low mood.

It hasn’t been helped by the fact I’ve been pretty isolated this week. I saw a couple of friends last night for a few hours which was lovely. But they’re the only people I’ve seen since Sunday.

I like my alone time but not 4 days in a row. Two, three days tops is enough alone time for me, then I start to need a bit of real life human interaction.

But like today plans get fucked up. To be fair though I’ve fucked up a lot this week cuz I keep messing up dates, forgetting shit… so been causing lots of issues.

It’s really frustrating and right now I feel like I can’t do anything right so why bother at all, cuz I’m just getting everything wrong and messing everything up.

My mood is all over the place this week, I either feel ok or I feel really low. It’s probably because my testosterone shot is due next week. I hate feeling these extreme emotions.

Most of the time I handle them pretty well I think but just sometimes everything just bubbles over and goes crazy and I get over the top reactions to stuff. I hate it so much, makes me feel like such a dick that some days I just can’t handle stupid little things. Makes me so angry at myself.

Right now all I want to do is hide away forever, have a cuddle, a good cry and a good nights sleep. But that’s not gonna happen, so just sitting outside with the dogs, in hopes I can stop myself from feeling like such a loser! Hasn’t helped yet, but I have tried to feel better. Some days are just easier then others.

Today Negative thoughts 1 – Zak 0

Peace out

Zak

*Insert*Title*Here*

I don’t often write in between my weekly transition blogs, but I feel like I needed to write today, I got things I just need to get out and maybe it will help me make sense of everything.

It’s probably gonna come out a bit all over the place and scattered, but that’s how my brain is feeling at the moment. It probably won’t be strictly transition related but a bit of everything that happening in my life at the moment, so transition, physical health, mental health, family etc…

I can’t even remember the last time I just wrote a regular blog entry, must have been a while ago now.

I literally don’t know where to even start… Ok I’ll start with the good stuff going on, so I can get into the flow of things and unpick my brain as I go along.

My name change is all official now, which is really awesome and feels so good. I am now legally Mr Zak Dyllan Mills! Woohoo! I’ve already changed it at the bank and the doctors and I’ve written some letters too, they just need posting. It just feels really right and just the next part of my transition, I feel much more like me now. Which probably sounds weird as its just a name but for me a name is quite an important part of my identity and how the world views me and how I view myself. So yeah feeling pretty awesome about that.

Last Sunday my new little nephew Alex came into the world, weighing in at 9lbs 3! the lil fatty lol but he’s so damn cute. I already had cuddles on Tuesday with him, he was just so content just laying on my lap fast asleep, he’s so chill. Proud uncle to 3 nephews, which is insane! the eldest will be 9 this year, its just flown by so fast. I absolutely adore all of them.

Physical health hasn’t really been too great this year, I’ve had infection after infection. Over the new years I kept getting nose bleeds, I then had a sinus infection, then last month I had a ear infection and at the moment I’ve had a chest infection for about 3 weeks and I’ve had lots of really bad nose bleeds as well. So I’m not sure what’s really going on, but I went to Southampton hospital this week and he took some blood to see what was happening. As he didn’t want to up the cellcept and make me more immuo-suppressed just in case its just been back luck that I’ve been getting ill and not due to my Churg Strauss Syndrome playing up, but he can’t tell until he gets the results. I’m hoping I’ll hear about the results soon and I’mm also kind of hoping its just been a bad run of luck getting ill and nothing more serious then that. But when nose bleeds are involved I know its more likely to be my condition as nose bleeds were one of my first ever symptoms. I’ll just have to see what happens with all this… I am hoping its nothing serious, I’d rather not up any medication if I don’t have too.

My mental health has been a bit of a mixture recently, its been quite difficult to deal with and I know its made me a bit harder to be around as well. Its not really been the bipolar that I’ve been struggling to control, although fighting with the depression and bad thoughts some days seems like the easy part of it all. I’ve been really struggling with the gender dysphoria, it hits so hard and its overwhelming and intense beyond words. The slightest thing can kick it off and I feel like I have zero control over it, which in itself is kinda frustrating and a bit scary.

Its my chest that is causing all the distress, anxiety and stress. I want top surgery so bad. I’ve never liked my chest, its always made me feel uncomfortable and embarrassed. When the dysphoria hits, I feel so detached, I feel like a ghost, I just want to be as far away from myself and my body as I can get, so I just disassociate but then I find it hard to get back in my body again. It really effects my mood, it makes me feel so depressed and really agitated because I’m not comfortable in my skin, because it doesn’t feel like it belongs to me, its never really belonged to me. I know I have to do some work around acceptance of self etc, as I know surgery will not fix all the emotional stuff but it will ease it. But right now that seems like a big thing to work on by myself.

I’m already starting to stress about summer and the warmer weather, as I get hot easily so it wont be as easy to cover up while remaining comfortable. I’m already aware that its gonna cause me a huge deal of stress and anxiety and it may make me less likely to go out far, I’m already anticipating how I’m going to feel, be etc… So I don’t know how I’m going to handle that and get through it.

Not being able to bind my chest makes it all the worse, I think maybe if I could bind that would take a bit of anxiety and stress out of it, I’ve been still trying on the high impact sports bras as they were the most comfortable out of everything I tried but its still not comfortable enough, especially with my chest problems I experience anyway. Its just so fucking frustrating! and doesn’t seem to be getting any easier to deal with, but the longer I’m on T the worse its getting to deal with and most days I feel pretty agitated and anxious. Its not so bad if I’m just at home and not really going anywhere, but as soon as I’ve got to go out for any period of time, especially on my own then I feel so self conscious, agitated and anxious.

I feel like I’m stuck in a limbo, like life can’t move forward right now and I know I’ve stopped moving forward, I wouldn’t know where to go now anyway. I just feel stuck, waiting for life to start again but I can’t find the button. I know I shouldn’t be waiting for top surgery but that’s what it feels like, I feel like after that then my life can start going again, where too I don’t know. I know my life can be better then it is right now, but I don’t know where I’m going, what I want, what direction, what I should or shouldn’t be doing… I’m in a rut and I hate it. Desperately trying to find things that make me really happy and not much is making me as happy as before. I mean I’m not totally unhappy, but I know things can and should be better, I just lost the drive to find it, I feel lost.

Ok… so maybe I needed to write this a more then I really realised but feels good to get it all out, I can breathe now. Been feeling mostly ok today, as I’ve stayed close to home, I’ve only been out to take the dogs for a run. Have felt so so tired today, I’ve just been chilling and looking after myself. I also finished writing out my ESA forms, I just need to get my paperwork together and then Monday I can post it all off recorded delivery, so they can’t say they didn’t get it. But I’ll sort that out on Monday I think, gonna spend the rest of the weekend just relaxing and looking after myself.

That’s it for now, am getting hungry…bloody steroids lol! Gonna go cook myself some food, although I’d really love a take away but money is low.. so cooking it is lol!

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 25 on T

I don’t know where to even start this week, its not been the best week ever.

I’ll stick to transition stuff for now and I may write another blog about everything else I’ve got going on. I probably need to get it out, as I find writing always helps me process me emotions a bit easier then just talking about things.

Anyway transition stuff, again not much to report but I suppose there wont be as I do these updates weekly. Some people have said my voice sounds a bit different this week so that’s cool.

I can’t write anymore, my brain has shut off. I’m tired and even sure how I’m doing right now.

Week 25 on T

^ This weeks pic

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Dyllan

Transition update – Week 20 on T

5 months on testosterone today! WOOHOO! I did my 6th injection this morning, after the fasting blood tests and everything went well. I got my second bloods next Tuesday, to see how where my testosterone levels are.

Not really sure what else to say… um my facial hair is starting to get long and wild lol! which is pretty cool and I can still hear slight changes in my voice which again is really cool.

I got an appointment with my ears, nose and throat doc soon, I’ve had sinus issues for the past few weeks so I’m hoping he can sort something out. I’ve been getting nosebleeds and just so much snot its ridiculous.

Mood wise, I’ve been ok I suppose. Just been disconnected really, neither up or down. But I suppose that’s a good thing, because I’m not really depressed or anxious, I’m just nothing. I think its a coping mechanism to deal with all the overwhelming feelings and intrusive thoughts.

I’ve been trying really hard to look after myself, so everyday I’ve been meditating and doing something to look after myself. Like today I booked in with a charity to help me with filling in forms for PIP (personal independence payment) and I rang up to claim the forms. I’ve been dreading this for so long but I took the plunge and I’ve got the ball rolling. It actually feels good to have got everything started and I’m just hoping its not as traumatic as last time.

Self care is super hard, its so much easier to look after others. But its so essential , if you don’t take care of yourself, then you can’t take care of others.

 

IMG_6807

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

That’s all for this week

Peace out

Dyllan

Transition update – Week 19 on T

This is my first post of 2018, I survived another year. 2017 wasn’t all bad I mean after all I started testosterone but it has definitely been another challenging year and I know there is more to come. That’s life I suppose but when you have challenges coming at you from all angles 24/7 it gets difficult to deal with. I have totally got this and I am going to put things in place to look after myself.

Nearly 5 months on testosterone! woohoo. Next week I go my 6th injection and my fasting bloods are finally all sorted for this month. So I’ll know how often I need to inject, whether that be every 3 weeks or every 6 weeks, it depends on how high or low my testosterone levels are.

My chest is starting to cause me huge dysphoria, its got worse now I’m on testosterone because I’m starting to look a bit more male then before. I can’t bind my chest either which is stressful and I’m not confident enough to not wear a bra.. something I cannot WAIT to stop wearing. Its super frustrating and I’m already dreading the summer because I’m going to look even more male and wearing vest tops because its hot…my bra will be visible and yeah urgh! can’t it just be spring all summer, cool enough for a t-shirt and shorts but nice and sunny. I’m not sure how I’m going to deal with it… But I suppose I’ll deal with it as it comes…

I feel a huge disconnect but that’s not a bad thing I suppose, it means I’m not really anxious or depressed. I’m not connected with my inner self, it kind of makes things easier to deal with but I don’t really feel anything, just empty, flat, nothing. I suppose its a mechanism to protect myself from myself.

Starting my 2018 back at the community mental health team…urgh! I have an appointment tomorrow morning, flipping 10 am! why so early! My alarm is set for 7 am, I hate rushing around in the morning, plus I have to take the dogs out before I can go anywhere. I’m gonna write some notes to take with me, so I don’t forget anything and I still have print outs of some blogs so I may take them too.

Last week I bought a book called The Self Care Project written by the lady who founded Blurt Foundation and I read it within 5 hours and I had an amazing conversation with Jayne Hardy. Blurt Foundation shared the PDF files for the worksheets that are in the book and yesterday I printed them out and today I bought a new folder and put all the print outs in it. I also ordered some school workbooks to use a my journal, I’m going to try and write every day just to get everything out of my head.

My main goal this year is to find out who I am, since starting testosterone I haven’t really checked in with who I am as a person, if my likes or dislikes have changed or stayed the same. I’m going to work through the self care project book, I aim to make a scrapbook, I aim to write in my journal daily.

So that’s me in 2018.. Hope you all have a great one.

Week 19 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This is my self care project and journal

 

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Dyllan

Transition update – Week 17 on T

I feel like there’s so much write, but where to even start. Most of it isn’t trans related but it all has a knock on effect on everything else. My brain is just overflowing, its so overwhelming and I don’t want to deal with any of it, at least not until January. I need to get my head straight and I need to figure out where to even start.

I haven’t noticed any new testosterone related changes, but today I found two white hairs growing out of my face lol! Man I don’t want a white santa beard, I’m too young. I really need to shave, but my voice it still fairly girly I feel. I need to be in a good place in order to start and right now I’m just not in that place.

I’ve been really struggling with depression, anxiety and disassociation which has led to 3 occasions of self harm. I’ve been referred back to the community mental health team, not sure when I’ll be seen though.

The disassociation is probably down to the gender dysphoria and the disconnection between my body and my brain. I talk more about it in the video, its hard to explain and right now I’m really tired and feel really spacey, I’m trying hard to stay in the moment.

I feel like I’ve got a huge mountain to climb and I can’t do it… urgh. I’m over it.

Week 17 on T

^This weeks picture

^This weeks video

Peace out

Batman