Christmas 2019

Hey all! I’ve been a bit quiet on here lately. I’ve just been relaxing, sitting back and taking stock of my life, which has been really great. I don’t quite think I’m fully ready to come out of my little cocoon just yet, but I love writing and it really helps me, so I’ve decided to stop procrastinating, get over myself and write! Lol!

I thought I’d start with a short post about how my Christmas was and share some pictures.

I spent Christmas with a friend, which was cool. Just had a relaxing day, went for a walk as the weather was lovely, opened presents, had dinner, played a board game, the usual Christmas Day stuff.

The walk was lovely, the sun was shining, loads of people out for an afternoon walk, the dogs had lots of fun too. It’s rained so much lately that it was so nice to have a break from the grey, dreary weather.

Here are some pictures of my fur babies and our walk

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 19 on T

This is my first post of 2018, I survived another year. 2017 wasn’t all bad I mean after all I started testosterone but it has definitely been another challenging year and I know there is more to come. That’s life I suppose but when you have challenges coming at you from all angles 24/7 it gets difficult to deal with. I have totally got this and I am going to put things in place to look after myself.

Nearly 5 months on testosterone! woohoo. Next week I go my 6th injection and my fasting bloods are finally all sorted for this month. So I’ll know how often I need to inject, whether that be every 3 weeks or every 6 weeks, it depends on how high or low my testosterone levels are.

My chest is starting to cause me huge dysphoria, its got worse now I’m on testosterone because I’m starting to look a bit more male then before. I can’t bind my chest either which is stressful and I’m not confident enough to not wear a bra.. something I cannot WAIT to stop wearing. Its super frustrating and I’m already dreading the summer because I’m going to look even more male and wearing vest tops because its hot…my bra will be visible and yeah urgh! can’t it just be spring all summer, cool enough for a t-shirt and shorts but nice and sunny. I’m not sure how I’m going to deal with it… But I suppose I’ll deal with it as it comes…

I feel a huge disconnect but that’s not a bad thing I suppose, it means I’m not really anxious or depressed. I’m not connected with my inner self, it kind of makes things easier to deal with but I don’t really feel anything, just empty, flat, nothing. I suppose its a mechanism to protect myself from myself.

Starting my 2018 back at the community mental health team…urgh! I have an appointment tomorrow morning, flipping 10 am! why so early! My alarm is set for 7 am, I hate rushing around in the morning, plus I have to take the dogs out before I can go anywhere. I’m gonna write some notes to take with me, so I don’t forget anything and I still have print outs of some blogs so I may take them too.

Last week I bought a book called The Self Care Project written by the lady who founded Blurt Foundation and I read it within 5 hours and I had an amazing conversation with Jayne Hardy. Blurt Foundation shared the PDF files for the worksheets that are in the book and yesterday I printed them out and today I bought a new folder and put all the print outs in it. I also ordered some school workbooks to use a my journal, I’m going to try and write every day just to get everything out of my head.

My main goal this year is to find out who I am, since starting testosterone I haven’t really checked in with who I am as a person, if my likes or dislikes have changed or stayed the same. I’m going to work through the self care project book, I aim to make a scrapbook, I aim to write in my journal daily.

So that’s me in 2018.. Hope you all have a great one.

Week 19 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This is my self care project and journal

 

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Dyllan

Transition update – Week 18 on T

Week 18 on testosterone landed on Boxing Day, I just about had time to do a short video but that was it.

I had a great Christmas day at my brothers and yesterday I had a good day with my friends.

I can’t believe its two weeks since my last shot and two weeks until my next. I think my voice is finally starting to change and is a bit more noticeable now, which is cool. My nephew was sat next to me the other day and he got right in my face and said omg Dyllan you’ve got a beard. It was so funny!

I haven’t really checked in with how I’ve been feeling so I’ve got no idea, I’ve just been trying to ignore how I feel and have a good time. I’m sure once everything gets back to normal, I’ll be able to check in with how I feel.

I’ve spent all my Christmas money and some more lol but was worth it. Got the two hoodies and top that I’ve been after for ages. I got the Lego Ninjago movie game today but I bought trainers…not in the sale lol and not with Christmas money…oops but I needed some new ones. So I feel good for treating myself, oh I also got the Blurt Foundation self care book and its really good. It will good to use in the Dorset Mind groups.

I got a letter from the gender clinic the other day to say they’re changing my appointment in April to July! which I am super pissed off about. This appointment is for my first consultation for top surgery, I wouldn’t mind if it got changed for like a month but 3 months takes the piss. My last appointment got changed twice! so I’m gonna be pissed if they do that with this appointment. My chest causes me the most pain and anxiety! I want this sorted. But I’ll ring in the new year and see why they changed it and if there’s anything they can do. I’ll see if I can plead my case.

 

Week 18 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Batman

Transition update – Week 16 on T

I can’t believe today I did my 5th testosterone shot, time just flies by. Although it didn’t go quite to plan, I slit my thumb open on the vial. You have a pressure point that you push to open the little glass vial and so far its been fine, but today I just managed to shatter the top and it went straight into my thumb… needless to say it hurt like fuck! and bled a load. So I washed it out to make sure no glass was left in it and just put a plaster on it. It hurts to touch.. but I’m sure it will heal soon.

No major changes to report although things below the belt have felt a little swollen now and again. Testosterone causes the clit to grow a bit, which helps when it comes to lower surgery, so I think that’s probably what’s happening. It’s uncomfortable and its not really an area that I want to associate with so its not the greatest side effect of T but its one I gotta deal with.

That’s all really transition wise, my mood has been really low and my anxiety has been so bad. Last week I also self harmed, I was just in so much distress I didn’t know what else to do. Disassociation has been really bad as well, just been losing time and feeling super weird and dizzy. I just don’t feel good a lot of the time, just really struggling. I been struggling to eat enough as well, which is making me feel weak and it makes things harder. I’ve decided not to go back to slimming world, I’ve learnt what I needed to in order to maintain a healthy diet but right now I just need to eat without worrying about what I’m eating. Anyway that’s the abridged version of everything that’s going on right now.

I had my best friend down from London Fri till yesterday, that was really cool to have some bro time. Had a mini Christmas on Sunday, I cooked a roast dinner and we put up the tree, so that was awesome. It was really nice to have some company for a few days.

Week 16 on T

^ This weeks picture

99E75175-AF19-4F53-9C30-730ED64DE14E (Edited)

^ I did another comparison picture

^ My cut thumb from the testosterone vial

^ This weeks video, its only a short one

Peace out

Batman

Transition update – Week 13 on T

Another week on testosterone, times just flying by so fast. I feel like I can’t keep up right now. I feel like I’m just tumbling towards Christmas and I am so unprepared and just not in the right head space, I can barely organise myself getting out the house at a reasonable time. I keep saying I need to write a list of things that need to be done, but I’ve got so many lists of things.. I can’t be dealing with another one.  I wish time would slow down a little bit, so I can catch up.

I’m sat here trying to check in with how I’m feeling today and I honestly couldn’t tell you. I suppose my mood is still low but I mainly feel numb. I’m not grounded at all and I just feel like I’m floating around and nothing feels real. I hate feeling like this but I’ve been trying to ground myself with little success. I literally need to feel like my feet are on the floor, because I feel like I’m hovering just above it. Such a odd feeling and in the summer its easier to ground myself, I just walk outside without my shoes and socks on but its too cold to do that now. I kinda feel like I’m in a pinball machine, just being beating from side to side, up, down and every place in between, not being able to hold on or stop.

I’ve had now new changes from the testosterone this week, my leg and armpit hair are getting nice and long now so that’s pretty cool. I just want my voice to hurry up and break lol. But everything transition wise is going ok, I just wish things would move along a bit quicker but not much I can do about that. I do need to find out the results of last weeks bloods.

Yesterday was Trans day of Remembrance, on Sunday I went to a TDoR service where they read out the names of the 325 trans brothers and sisters who died due to transphobic violence this year, although I suspect the number is much higher then that. It was hard to listen to all these names being read out and to hear how they died. It made me feel grateful to live somewhere that I feel safe to be who I am and I’ve not come across any transphobia in real life. I hope that one day, there will be no ones name on that list and everyone will be able to live their life happily and in safety.

If you’re trans and your reading this or you’re questioning your gender identity, keep strong, live your truth, you are loved, you are wanted, you’re not weird, broken or damaged. You are a wonderful human with the strength the live your life in the most authentic way. Trans is beautiful ❤

^ Trans day of Remembrance service ❤

Week 13 on T

^ This weeks pic… excuse the fluffy hair lol

 

That’s it for this week,

Peace out

Batman

Pictures of my Christmas

Some pictures of my Christmas ❤

 3 best friends

 Happy Leo with his present

 Happy boy with treats 🙂

 Eeep lots of presents 🙂

 Excited puppies Christmas morning 🙂

 Foxy got new clothes 🙂

 Eeep 🙂

 Harvey and his best friend H 🙂

 Boys chilling with H

 L and the pups 🙂

 Albert enjoying his pringles

 Piggy back with boo

 Me and my boy

 Boo helping me do dinner

 Just chilling lol

 me and my boys ❤

 Handsome boy in his new coat 🙂

 New t-shirt 🙂

Just a snippet of my life over Christmas ❤

Peace out

Batman

Christmas and New years madness.

Just sat staring at the laptop not quite sure what to write as it’s been a long but awesome week.

My feet have barely touched the floor because I’ve been so busy but it’s been a good busy and I’ve had great fun with my awesome friends.

So I’ll share with you all what happened for me this Christmas and prove that even with lots of things going on with my health, mental health and gender stuff that life is what you make it and I put things in place to make sure Christmas was a good one.

Christmas eve morning, I spent cleaning up the flat. I was so tired though lol, I kept sitting down and nearly falling back to sleep. The sinus infection is definitely taking it out of me.

Me and the pups got picked up and went to a friends house, we had such a good laugh, good food an good company. We played card games too which was so fun 🙂 We did secret Santa which was fun too. It over all was an amazing Christmas eve and I am so blessed to have such amazing ladies in my life ❤ They were both very naughty and got me a present each which I wasn’t allowed to open until Christmas day.

When I got home my bro text me to say mother had dropped presents over his for me and I was so buzzing, feeling so good. So I decided to walk over to his to pick the presents up.

N was at my door when I got back from my brothers so that was cool 🙂 I opened up my presents from mother and for the first time since I changed my name to Dyllan which is nearly 7 years ago now, this was even before gender stuff, mother put Dyllan in my Christmas card and on my presents… wtf! So telling her I don’t want to speak to her and she’s finally being respectful! and she got me something I actually like. I did text to thank her and we had a nice conversation, but yeah I am still going to be cautious with her I think…I don’t really know what to do with the whole situation, its all so messed up. So yeah..urgh whatever!

Christmas day morning, for some reason the dogs woke up at 7 am, I asked N what the fuck the time was and just rolled over and went back to sleep until nearly 9 am which is a much more reasonable hour then fucking 7 am lol!

We got up and had breakfast, watched tv and just chilled out for a bit. Then we did PRESENTS! eeeek! I was super excited. I bought N some presents 🙂 and I open the presents from J and E and WOW omg! I was pretty much jumping off the walls with excitement, J had got me a Lego display case for my Lego mini figures 😀 and E got me Lego Jurassic world! OMG! like wow, I have the best friends ever and they know me so well 😀 I was so so chuffed, I couldn’t get over it. I’m sat smiling ear to ear now thinking about it.

I then opened up all the presents I got for the cats and the dogs 🙂 and needless to say they didn’t waste any time in playing with their new presents, they got so much. I love spoiling my beautiful fur babies ❤

After cleaning up all the wrapping paper, which Harley was having fun jumping in, I sorted out dinner. I did a beef casserole in the slow cooker 🙂 Then had myself a shower and put on my new T-shirt and socks from N. I love the feeling of new clothes.

The weather was so awful all day long, so we couldn’t take the pups for a walk like I normally do, so I was a bit gutted about that. It was just too cold, windy and wet and it would have be so so muddy out. We did still take the pups across the road for a wee and a little run, we managed to catch a dry patch in between the rain.

N and I spent the rest of the day relaxing, watching tv, nearly falling asleep lol and playing Uno. Christmas day well spent if you ask me.

N went home earlier then planned which was fine, I know when I don’t feel well all I want to do is sleep and relax at my own home. She’s got so much going on with her health, so it’s all totally understandable, I just wish I could do something to help.

I spent all evening getting stuck into my new game 😀 I love it so much, such a great game. I can’t stop playing it.

I can’t remember what time I went to bed but I know it was way past midnight lol!

So boxing day I woke up about 9 am and got on with the housework and prepared our nice turkey dinner. I did a large turkey breast in the slow cooker, I put veg at the bottom and some stock, on high for 4 hours.

H came over at lunch time, it was nice to hang out for a bit before L and the boys came over and all the madness began.

L and the boys came over about 1pm I think. I made everyone wait for just over an hour before we did presents. Harvey sat playing games on his phone with H and me and boo were playing with his dinosaurs that he got for Christmas and of course he wanted to play fight with his myllan lol.

We did presents. Albert and Harvey were both so good waiting nicely for their next presents. Harvey loved the game I got him, I knew he would. L spoilt me and the pups and the cats 🙂 eep ❤ she got me loads! L and H loved their presents I got them, so pleased. I love giving people presents ❤

Albert got into his new Thomas onsie and I got aged 4-5 years and it only JUST fits his big butt lol! He’s 2 years old! he’s so huge. He will probably only fit in that this winter and then it will be far too small.

The boys and I were play fighting, piggy backing and just generally messing about lol.

I sorted out dinner, Albert was watching me peel the veg which was cute, he was chatting away to me. It took me a bit longer then anticipated to get it all ready and cooked but man it was so nice if I do say so myself 🙂 and everyone ate as much as they could, well apart from boo cuz he just couldn’t stay awake lol.

Considering it was my first ever turkey roast I had cooked, it went well. It was so flipping exhausting but it was definitely made easier by having my stool to sit on, I think it would have killed me if I didn’t have my stool.

After a short sleep, I woke boo up so that he would eat before he went to bed. He ate a bit of his dinner which was good but as its Christmas I let him have some pringles and sweets 🙂 which made him a happy boy. No point force feeding him something that he doesn’t want, cuz it will cause issues with food later on in life. So yeah he pretty much ate a whole tub of pringles lol and some sweets.

Put boo to bed about 8 pm, although he was not happy about it lol. But after some cuddles with me he eventually settled down to sleep.

H left at some point…I can’t remember what time lol. But it was great to have spent a awesome boxing day with her. We’ve been best friends for like 10 years maybe longer, couldn’t imagine my life without her now. She’s been so amazing to me over the years ❤ and I am looking forward to another 10 years plus being best buds.

Harvey went to bed with no problem, I always give him a count down to the time he’s got to go to bed. Makes it easier but to be fair he’s always good for me.

Ah peace…well sort of lol. Just me and L, 2 cats and 3 crazy ass dogs. We watched some films and chatted, ate sweets and just chilled out. It was a great way to end a lovely day 🙂

L went to bed just gone 1 am after we watched the film Kinky boots but I didn’t get to sleep until 2 am, as I can’t sleep straight away, I need to relax and unwind before I sleep.

Boo boo got L and I up at 6 am…WOW 4 hours sleep! I just put his new Thomas dvd on for him and tired to get him to cuddle up on the sofa with us but he wasn’t having it. But L and I was nodding on and off on the sofa together lol. I think Harvey got up at 8 am and by that point that’s it I was up lol.

We spent all morning watching films 🙂 L helped me clean up, so that was nice as the place was a flipping tip lol.

I was about to get in the shower and Albert asked where I was going and I said I’m getting a shower and he said “me shower too?” So I said yeah if you want too. So boo boo sat on my stool in the shower and I washed him, then washed myself. He kept playing with my belly button lol, which he’s always done since he was small.

L had a shower and Harvey got dressed, lil smell bag doesn’t really like having a shower he’s a bit scared of it.

I took down the Christmas tree and decorations! AH! much better lol. I don’t mind having my tree up 2 weeks before Christmas but as soon as it’s all over I just want them down.

Helped L get her and the boys sorted to go home. I walked them to the bus stop, as boo hasn’t got a push chair at the moment so he’s hard work to cross the road, mind Harvey is as well because he has no road sense at all.

When I got back I took the pups out for a wee and run. Then spent all afternoon playing Lego Jurassic world.

I had an early night, because I hurt all over and I was just so exhausted.

28th – I slept really well and didn’t wake up till about 10 am, which is late for me. I must have needed it though.

My bro, sister in law and nephew popped over for a bit. Leo was in his brand new car he got for Christmas 🙂 so cute. Was nice to see them all.

I took the pups for a walk in the afternoon because they hadn’t been out for a proper walk in a few days. It was cold and windy but was nice to get out in the fresh air.

Bumped into some friends on the way home and K needed to charge his phone, so I said he could pop back to mine for a bit. So we hung out for most of the afternoon, went to town to try find some new trainers but couldn’t, but I did spend my game voucher H got me and got the Back to the Future level pack for my Lego dimensions game.

Spent the evening playing Lego Jurassic world and I completed the main story line already. It’s just so awesome and I can’t stop playing it!

29th – I slept until 9 am 🙂 yay my sleep is getting better.

My friend text me to say she was on her way…yeah I wasn’t even a little bit ready lol! So I jumped up and got my butt into gear and did the housework. I managed to do most of it before she came which was good, I only had to clean the balcony and get a shower. It was good though because it made me get up and get going because other wise I probably could have fallen back to sleep lol.

After I got showered and dressed, we went into town. I paid my rent and we looked in a shop and I got myself a new Batman t-shirt with my Christmas money. I treated us both to Burger King for lunch, which we ate at mine.

H-A drove me and the pups over to Hamworthy park were we had a nice walk and Scrappy the crazy pup went for a swim in the sea lol! We both got some great pictures 🙂

We popped into see H-A’s auntie and her dogs which was awesome 🙂 had a good giggle.

I was absolutely shattered when I got in! So I snuggled up on the sofa with the pups just relaxing, watching tv.

Had some beef casserole for dinner, as there was 3 portions left over after Christmas day. So nice easy dinner, only had to heat it up.

E came over in the evening for a few hours, Foxy was beside herself as usual. She loves E so so much. I showed E my game she got me and the Lego dimensions games and I made her a nice Spanish hot chocolate 🙂 It was nice to hang out with her, she’s so lovely.

Did my usual nightly routine, of taking my meds and taking the pups for a wee.

And now we are on today 🙂 30th Dec, I cannot believe that tomorrow is the last day of 2015! It’s gone so fast its totally insane.

So today I have rested and looked after my needs. I slept until gone 11 am, had a shower and got dressed. Took the pups out for a wee and went to the shop to get something for dinner and a few other odd bits I needed like cereal and stuff.

Luckily I went out when I did because when I got back it started raining so hard and it hasn’t really stopped since! So after I had lunch I spent all from half 2 and finally stopped for dinner at 5 pm. I could have played for longer but I was hungry, I had a nice chicken breast, roast veg and roast potatoes with cheese sauce! YUM! Haven’t cooked that for a while, definitely doing that again soon.

I have spent all evening writing this blog lol! I kept having to look at my FB to see what happened and when! The week between Christmas and New years always completely throws me and I have no idea who I am, what day it is, where I am, what I am doing! Just totally lost lol. Can’t wait for it all to get back to normal, so I know where I am.

Tomorrow I am spending New years with H and Harvey and the pups will have their best buddy Arnie to play with. Going to have pizza hut for dinner as a treat for us all 🙂 will probably end up playing games and maybe watching films. Said to Harvey he can stay up as late as he can, so we shall see if he can make it until midnight 🙂 so it should be a good night. I’d much prefer to stay in with friends then go out.

2015 has been such a crazy ass year! It’s had lots of up and lots of down and 5 broken bones! I leave 2015 as a guy and a strong guy, I start a new year being more me then I’ve ever been before and I am looking forward to starting my new journey towards becoming the man I know I can be.

I don’t really have any goals for 2016 other then to continue on the path to becoming my true self and to continue to learn about myself and ways to self care and improve myself and be the best me I can be. That’s all I can ask of myself, especially as my health is so unpredictable and I don’t really know where next year will take me health wise. So we shall see.

I started 2015 weighing 11 stone 11 pounds and I am leaving 2015 weighing 8 stone 11 pounds! and that is all down to coming down off the Quetiapine from 400 mgs to 50 mgs. I have managed my bipolar with all the skills I learnt at DBT and guided meditation has been a life saver. I start the day with meditation and end the day with meditation and I feel so much calmer for it. I feel brilliant for being on such a low dose, I don’t feel as drugged up and I feel so great for losing so much weight.

Well that’s all for me, I may do a short post tomorrow. But if not I shall see you all in 2016 🙂 I hope you have a great New years, stay safe and have fun.

Peace out

Batman

Happy Christmas – p.s Suffering is optional.

Well it’s Christmas eve eve lol and I thought I would do an update as I am not sure when I will have the time to sit and write next as the next few days will be really busy.

So the last 3 days have been busy but good. I’ve been getting my last few bits and bobs in and accidentally a few bits for me lol!

On Mon I spent like 4 hours wrapping presents and wow it made my back and butt so sore. Afterwards I went out to another Christmas group meal which was good for most of it lol, but I can’t say too much about it. Overall it was good 🙂

I’ve also had friends popping over and meeting friends and stuff, so that’s been so good. Saw my bro, nephew an step dad today which was cool 🙂 let Leo open his present from me hehe, well he’s going to have so much and he’s only 14 months old so he won’t remember this one.

Tomorrow morning I got to do a bit of cleaning up before being picked up to go to a friends for dinner, which I am really looking forward too 🙂 N will be coming over in the evening when I get home.

Christmas day will be just me and N and maybe another friend who I said is free to pop over if she wants. I’m doing beef casserole for dinner in the slow cooker and I am hoping the weather will be nice enough to take the pups for a walk in the afternoon.

Boxing day, L and the boys are coming over, N will still be with me and H is coming over too and I am making Christmas dinner! eeeep so that will be interesting lol! But I am really looking forward to it as well.

So yeah got it all planned out so it should be a good one. I think Christmas is what you make it, regardless of if you are ill, don’t see your family, don’t have many friends or whatever you have to make the most of it. I’ve put a lot of work into making this a good year, as I did last year and last year I spent it alone and loved every minute of it. I know this time of year is difficult for many people for many different reasons but if you think its going to be shit then it will be. I know it’s difficult when you are depressed BUT you have to scratch the darkness in order to find that glimmer of light in your life, so you can climb out of the deep black hole. It is possible,yes depression sucks but the suffering is optional.

Anyway that’s all I have to say really, I’m going to get to bed soon because my head is hurting and I’m tired. I still have to take the pups for a wee and put new bed sheets on…joys lol!

Well I hope you all have a fabulous Christmas, don’t forget to treat yourself, eat and sleep well and don’t over do it, nap if you need and stay safe ❤

Peace out

Batman