Teeth op

So this week I finally had my two teeth out. I had been waiting since June last year. It took so long for various reasons, the referral to the hospital kept getting lost and twice they denied it. But I eventually got an appointment in April.

I still then had to push for a pre op assessment, they said I could be waiting for quite a few weeks… but I’d already been waiting for a year.

Anyway last month I was booked in for the pre assessment and that all went fine and two weeks after I was booked in to have my teeth out, but it got cancelled and rearranged at the last minute.

So I went in again the next week, spoke to the doctors and stuff, got changed and because it was a Saturday and they only had skeleton staff on and because of my complex health issues they refused to do it just in case anything went wrong.

I was so cross, angry and frustrated! Mainly because of how long it had all taken to get to this point in the first place but also because it was the first time I’d sat in the men’s waiting room, so that was quite daunting but cool at the same time. It was a big deal for me and it’s something I don’t think they really appreciated.

Anyway it got rearranged for this month and again saw all the Docs’s etc. But when it came to the anaesthesiologist, he wanted to sedate me instead of putting me under general anaesthetic. Now this really stressed me out and made me anxious, again because it had taken so long to get here but also I’ve had sedation before and it’s not worked, so I was extremely apprehensive and anxious about it, not really the feelings you want to have before you get put to sleep.

It made me feel like I wasn’t listened too and it was something totally out of my control, which at the moment control over things of sorts helps make me feel better. But I think a lot of that is due to top surgery coming up and that’s a huge deal and a lot of that feels out of my control.

I tried my best to just let it go and trust but I couldn’t. But to my surprise the sedation actually worked! Which I was grateful for but then felt bad for giving the guy a hard time and I felt frustrated with myself that something like that caused such a reaction inside.

I’m trying my best to keep on top of these intense emotions, but I think it’s just apart of who I am and it will be something I’ll always have to work on.

After all that stress, everything went fine and I got home and rested the rest of the day and yesterday. I’m sure I’ll continue to heal well.

Peace out

Zak

Living with a chronic illness

I’ve not written much about my health lately, mainly because I’ve been super busy with like a trillion appointments!

It feels great having such a great team of doctors around me but that comes with a lot of appointments. The team of doctors and nurses looking after my care are incredible and I am so grateful for them. I love the NHS!

My Rheumatologist over sees everything, but he is just one Doc apart of my team, I also have a Ears nose and throat doc, physiotherapist, and podiatrist. I also have to go to the hospital for a blood test every 8 weeks. I have two other appointments for my medical transition, I see a nurse every 3 weeks for my testosterone shot and also the gender clinic.

Since January I’ve had a total of 9 doctors and hospital appointments and I have another 7 coming up in the next 6 weeks!

Appointments mean a lot of early mornings and a lot of bus rides and days of recovery from these appointments.

My treatment is going well but like the appointments its takes up time as well. I take medication in the morning and in the evening, which have two pill boxes that I have to fill up every Monday, I do a sinus rinse twice a day, morning and evening but sometimes in the afternoon if my sinuses are playing up and physio exercises.

The treatment itself seems simple but if you add in the human element of chronic pain, chronic fatigue, getting ill, depression, dysphoria, disassociation, insomnia, memory issues and no motivation, then its not so simple.

Some days its so hard to get myself up an organised and get everything done before even leaving the house, that I often can’t get out until 2-3pm. Some days its such a struggle, some days are a bit easier but everyday is hard work.

Mental health has a huge impact on physical health and visa versa, which complicates matters. Even after all these years of dealing with these things it only feels like recently things are more under control and I am being properly cared for, but its still not easy and I’m still learning about myself and learning different ways to deal with whatever is thrown at me.

I don’t think living with a chronic illness will ever be easy and I don’t think its something I’ll every truly accept and its something I’ll never stop learning to deal with. But all I can say is that I am trying my hardest to maintain good physical and mental health, which in itself is a full time job.

Overall things are on the right path, at the moment its about maintaining good physical health with medications, physio, insoles in my shoes, sinus rinses and hospital appointments.

Peace out

Zak

Living with a chronic illness – Hospital appointments

I’ve not written about my physical health for a while, but in the last week I’ve had 3 hospital appointments which was crazy! They’re like buses all come at the same time!

The first hospital appointment was Wednesday 16th Jan was my first physiotherapy appointment and it went really well. He gave me some exercises to do, which I’ve been doing most days. I know I need to do them everyday, but I’m feeling overwhelmed at the moment, so most days is better then non. He basically said that physio and insoles in my shoes will be something I need for the rest of my life because I am on the higher end of the scale for hyper-mobility, of which he said I score 9/9 which wasn’t really news to be. But I came away feeling happier, it seems like I will have continual care regarding physio, which isn’t something I’ve had before and its something I feel I will need for a while in order for me to make sure I’m doing my exercises and that its continuing to help with the chronic pain. He said where my muscles and ligaments are fairly weak from the hyper-mobility, these regular exercises will help strengthen them in hopes that is will help the main areas of my chronic pain, which is lower back, hips, knees and ankles. Overall a good appointment, my next one is in March so I have sometime to do my best with these exercises.

This Wednesday 23rd I has 2 hospital appointments in the same day, which made for an incredibly long, exhausting day.

My first appointment was at Christchurch hospital at 11 am and that was for Rheumatology, as soon as I got there I saw the nurse and she came over and said hello to me, I asked her if she needed a pee sample as I was bursting to go! and she said yeah sure that would be helpful and got me a sample point so I could go. I waited for about 10 mins for my appointment, as I was a bit early. Man its so bloody hot in hospitals! I was all wrapped up in a million jumpers as it was cold outside and had to take them all off when I sat down, for fear of boiling to death! When she had finished up with her previous patient she called me in. She’s quite a young nurse, I think she’s around my age (I’m 33) or a bit younger, she’s so easy to talk to and we talked about everything from my physical health to my transition. Which is great to have a nurse ask questions and actually be interested in me as a whole person. She’s going to ask me physio to write me a letter for the gender clinic re top surgery, as its something I forgot to ask him when I saw him. I said that the physio had said my posture needs correcting and I explained to her, my posture is bad because I often roll my shoulders in and hunch my back to hide my chest as I don’t bind very often and I explained that having top surgery would correct my posture because I wouldn’t have to be always hiding my chest. I asked if he could write a letter in support of top surgery as it may help push things along, she was very understanding and said it makes total sense. The plan is to have a dexa scan (bone density scan) to check my bones, as my last dexa was in 2016, so I’m due a scan. She also agreed its time to see how well I do coming off steroids, as I’ve been on them half my life and its time to see if I can remain well off them. The plan is to go from 5mgs to 4mgs for 4 weeks, longer if I don’t feel great. She said to go which how I’m feeling and then after that go down to 3mgs for 4 weeks and by then I’ll be seen by her again to catch up with how everything is going. I start on the lowered dose tomorrow, I’m a bit nervous, as I know its not going to make me feel so great to start with but I’ll stick with it. Overall another great appointment.

I got the bus into town and I had some time to kill and I was hungry, I decided to treat myself and I went to a ice cream parlour, where I had a Oreo waffle, covered in chocolate sauce, crumbled Oreos and toffee ice cream. I couldn’t eat it all but it was sooo nice and very much needed, seeing as I’d been up since 6:45am!

I got the next bus to Poole hospital and this was an ENT – ears, nose and throat appointment. My appointment was at 2:30pm and I got there 10 mins early and again MAN it was so freaking hot in there! They ran 50 mins late, I was so exhausted and getting a bit agitated because I was hot and wanted to go home. But it was worth the wait and thank god for our NHS we are so lucky to have it. This was a new ENT doc to me, she was super nice and easy to talk too and had clearly read my notes which was great. There were a couple of students in there, observing appointments, I love having students in my appointments because these young people will be looking after me when I’m older and if they are interested in specialising in rare medical conditions then I am definitely all for it! I’ve had meetings with rooms full of doctors, I’m always participating in studies where the hospital shares my tests results ets, I’ve spoken to many student doctors and nurses over the years and I think its really important for them to be observing and learning different aspect of patients that in the future will be their patients. I digress, but its an important point. We had a brief chat about my medical history and asked how I’m currently doing, as to which I said I’m doing well although I’ve had quite a blocked nose recently but I think that’s to do with the cold weather and going from hot to cold environments. She saw me at her voice clinic, so she could have a look up my nose and down to my vocal chords. It was pretty cool to see it on the screen, as she recorded it so I could have a look. She was surprised that I don’t have a hole in my septum, as that is often a symptom of my condition, which as a reminder is called Granulomatosis with Polyangiitis/Churg Strauss syndrome, so that’s good news! She was also surprised that I have no irreparable damage up my nose, vocal chords or wind pipe, despite the fact I’ve had my wind pipe chemically widened a few times in my late teens early 20’s. She said everything looks great and it shows that my condition has been well controlled over the years. She agreed to see me again in 6 months to touch base but if I need anything in between then I can call and see her sooner if I need too. Again despite the long wait, it was worth it.

I”m really happy with how things are going for me health wise at the moment, I have a great team of doctors looking after me and I feel listened too which for me is so important and I also feel involved in my care, which is something I’ve not had before, mainly because I was 14/15 at the time I of my diagnosis.

The long day didn’t hit me until Friday afternoon. Friday morning my mum came round at 9:30 am, she helped me sort out the curtains in the bedroom as I had just thrown them up years ago, they’re too long and I’d not pulled the string through so they were really baggy at the top. She showed me how to do all that which was cool as they look better now. We went to a cafe, for a drink and a scone which was nice. She dropped me back and I went for my testosterone shot at 12pm. After I walked home, I got the dogs ready to go out (didn’t leave straight away) and as it was nice sunny and fairly warm, we got the bus to Hamworthy park. It was such a nice walk, at one point I was sat on the bench watching scrappy running in and out of the sea and foxy just wandering about with the warm sun hitting my face, just perfect. We got back about 3:40, scrappy had to have a shower as he was covered in sand. I fully reclined both sides of my sofa, covered it with blankets, did up the hot water bottles and ordered some lunch/dinner. After I’d eaten a wave of tiredness came over me, I snuggled up on the sofa with the dogs and the cats and I think I fell asleep for about 2 hours. It was so needed, I’d felt exhausted all day but it didn’t really hit me till I stopped and that exhaustion lasted till Saturday.

Its funny I don’t always feel the effects of a long day like that, till a couple of days later. But I’m feeling better today, although that may change this week when I start lowering the steroids!

That’s it for now,

Peace out

Zak

Vasculitis sucks! – living with a chronic illness

Yesterday was so long and exhausting, not only did I have to go to Christchurch hospital but I also had to go to the chemist in Bournemouth hospital… but that’s a whole other story.

Yesterday I saw a vasculitis nurse because I’ve been having nosebleeds and I’ve had a chesty cough for a few weeks.

But this nurse wasn’t qualified to write a prescription and she wasn’t qualified to listen to my chest. It was all very frustrating because as my bloods, blood pressure and pee sample we’re all fine there wasn’t much she could do…

So she ended up calling in my Doctor to listen to my chest, which of course was clear. But he gave me a prescription for antibiotics as I have been coughing up green crap so that’s indicative of an infection, but I have no other real signs then that. He also is going to refer me to another ENT doctor as my current one is a jerk! Last time I saw him I was really ill but because my nose looked fine then I must be fine… so hopefully a new ENT doc will be more thorough.

The only good thing the nurse did notice with me is that I’m not steady on my feet and she asked me questions about my legs and I explained my knees bend back and both knees turn in and as a child I had my shoes built up by the hospital and had special in souls made as well, but I’ve had nothing as an adult other then physio on my legs. So she’s going to refer me to a physiotherapist, which is cool and a pediatrist to have a look at me, although I’m not sure in souls will fix this problem but we’ll see what happens. I’ve had problems since with my legs since I was born so I’m not sure how much these appointments will help, but I can only go and see.

After I got my prescription they said I needed to go to the boots in Bournemouth, so I assumed they meant in town, but what they didn’t say was they meant Bournemouth hospital.

I got to the boots in town and they said I needed to go to Bournemouth hospital. I was so angry because by that point I’d been up since 6 am, out since 7:45 am and it was now midday and I was absolutely exhausted and in so much pain with my joints.

I had to wait for half an hour for the bus and when I got to the hospital I was waiting for about 25 mins for my meds.

I didn’t have to wait too long for the bus back but that took an hour. M

I slept for a bit when I got in, which was much needed.

I’m hoping the antibiotics work and my chest feels better and hopefully these nose bleeds will stop.

On top of all that my gender dysphoria was bad but I’ll leave that for another blog.

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 32 on T

Today would have been T shot day but the docs didn’t have any appointments, so I’m having it done bright and early Thursday morning lol, 8:30am! Urgh, that’s still the middle of the night!! This is why I wanted to do it myself, so I didn’t have to mess around with apps and I can do it on the exact day its due. Even though I know it can be done 5 days before or 7 days after its due, it still gives me anxiety that its not being done on the exact day its due! But I’m weird like that, silly things give me big anxiety. I suppose its about control, its something I need to let go of a bit more and not let little things stress me out so much. A lot of it is because I often don’t feel like I have any power or control, so little things cause big anxiety. Man I sound like a lil weirdo but whatever.

My weeks been busy but its been really good. I’ve finally got rid of my chest infection, it only took just over 3 weeks and I’ve finished my steroids too, which is a relief! Although its been messing up my mood a bit, been feeling a bit emotional today but I think that was a mixture of things. I feel fine now, I had a nice shower and did some EFT (emotional freedom technique) on myself and it made me feel a lot better, much calmer and less emotional then I was, which is always a good thing. I know there’s a calmness inside, I just don’t always feel it. So I’m going to try and tap out all the intense negative emotions as and when they come, hopefully it will help me regain some control and things wont get so intense and overwhelming.

For some reason this week I am super spotty on my chest, neck and back, although I’m pretty spotty in those areas already but these last couple of days, loads of extra bloody spots have popped up lol! Its sooo hard not to squeeze all the ones I can reach, gross I know lol. Some of them are quite sore but I can’t reach them to put any cream or anything on them. Not sure what its all about lol, I’m hoping they calm down as like I said some are really sore, I’ve got a few on my scalp as well, they are a bit itchy and sore too.

My voice is slowly getting there, I’ve noticed today its a bit deeper which is cool, I said something earlier and I was like woah! who said that!! made me chuckle to myself. My T levels are nearly right I think, I speak to my GP Thursday about my levels as my results from the last bloods said they were borderline, not sure what that means, so I’m assuming it means that they aren’t quite high enough. So they may need to tweak the frequency of the T shot again.

My gender dysphoria and disassociation has been mostly ok this week, I’ve been feeling quite relaxed and calm where my body is concerned. But I’ve spent this week looking after myself and my needs, rather then everything else that isn’t really important. Which just proves how much self care is essential to my well-being, its something I struggle to do regularly. It is so noticeable when I stop basic self care, everything just goes off the wall and unmanageable. I’ve been taking a lot of really hot showers and it really helps with the disassociation and I can take 15-20 mins to just be totally in the moment, breathe and relax. It really works for me at the moment, it may not always work and may not work for others but at the moment its working, which is the main thing.

Well its gone midnight now and I better get to bed and I have my friends kids over again tonight and I’ll probably be up around 8:30 am, my mind is pretty awake so I need to wind down a bit before I can go to sleep

 

 

Week 32 on T.JPG

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Zak

This f*cking suck!

I don’t even know where to start right now, once again my heads in a fucking spin! I feel so full of anger and frustration. I really fucking hate my life! Now I’m not one to say that very often, I try and feel grateful for my life. But some days its just fucking impossible to remain hopeful and grateful when there’s fuck all the be grateful for.

The catalyst to all this anger is Personal Independence Payment (Disability Benefits) They gave me 4 points in each component which isn’t enough to qualify for it. You have to get a minimum of 8 points.

I’m sick to death of being ill and I’m sick to fucking death of having to prove it to the cunts that just don’t give a fuck about anyone’s life! Its so fucking soul destroying and it points out every single failing of my life, which is every fucking aspect of it.

I left school with a few GCSE grades, non of them really mean anything now anyway. My highest grade was English…I can’t get anywhere without maths. I have no qualifications in anything, I have no skills, nothing. I feel like such a fucking failure. I have nothing to be proud of other then I’m still fucking alive! Which how I don’t fucking know cuz right now I’m struggling to see the fucking point at all. I’ve done nothing! and no employer is going to employ someone who’s been on the sick as long as I have and no one will want someone who they can’t rely on 100%. I can’t even fucking drive..

I feel like I have no fucking future, no life nothing. Nothing is moving forward, everything is standing still, life is just moving around me. Everyone else is moving forward, I’m still stuck in the same fucking place, all by myself.

Just the same old little fucking loser kid that I always fucking was. Absolutely pointless waste of fucking space.

I can’t keep doing this bullshit over and over. I’m so exhausted, my heart hurts so much. I’m just wading through mud, not moving forward, just sinking further in.

Its not just job wise, I’ve literally done nothing, been no where. Just been here, doing nothing, just barely existing.

I just want to disappear and stop existing so the pain would just stop.

Just a waste of space..

Peace

Zak

*Insert*Title*Here*

I don’t often write in between my weekly transition blogs, but I feel like I needed to write today, I got things I just need to get out and maybe it will help me make sense of everything.

It’s probably gonna come out a bit all over the place and scattered, but that’s how my brain is feeling at the moment. It probably won’t be strictly transition related but a bit of everything that happening in my life at the moment, so transition, physical health, mental health, family etc…

I can’t even remember the last time I just wrote a regular blog entry, must have been a while ago now.

I literally don’t know where to even start… Ok I’ll start with the good stuff going on, so I can get into the flow of things and unpick my brain as I go along.

My name change is all official now, which is really awesome and feels so good. I am now legally Mr Zak Dyllan Mills! Woohoo! I’ve already changed it at the bank and the doctors and I’ve written some letters too, they just need posting. It just feels really right and just the next part of my transition, I feel much more like me now. Which probably sounds weird as its just a name but for me a name is quite an important part of my identity and how the world views me and how I view myself. So yeah feeling pretty awesome about that.

Last Sunday my new little nephew Alex came into the world, weighing in at 9lbs 3! the lil fatty lol but he’s so damn cute. I already had cuddles on Tuesday with him, he was just so content just laying on my lap fast asleep, he’s so chill. Proud uncle to 3 nephews, which is insane! the eldest will be 9 this year, its just flown by so fast. I absolutely adore all of them.

Physical health hasn’t really been too great this year, I’ve had infection after infection. Over the new years I kept getting nose bleeds, I then had a sinus infection, then last month I had a ear infection and at the moment I’ve had a chest infection for about 3 weeks and I’ve had lots of really bad nose bleeds as well. So I’m not sure what’s really going on, but I went to Southampton hospital this week and he took some blood to see what was happening. As he didn’t want to up the cellcept and make me more immuo-suppressed just in case its just been back luck that I’ve been getting ill and not due to my Churg Strauss Syndrome playing up, but he can’t tell until he gets the results. I’m hoping I’ll hear about the results soon and I’mm also kind of hoping its just been a bad run of luck getting ill and nothing more serious then that. But when nose bleeds are involved I know its more likely to be my condition as nose bleeds were one of my first ever symptoms. I’ll just have to see what happens with all this… I am hoping its nothing serious, I’d rather not up any medication if I don’t have too.

My mental health has been a bit of a mixture recently, its been quite difficult to deal with and I know its made me a bit harder to be around as well. Its not really been the bipolar that I’ve been struggling to control, although fighting with the depression and bad thoughts some days seems like the easy part of it all. I’ve been really struggling with the gender dysphoria, it hits so hard and its overwhelming and intense beyond words. The slightest thing can kick it off and I feel like I have zero control over it, which in itself is kinda frustrating and a bit scary.

Its my chest that is causing all the distress, anxiety and stress. I want top surgery so bad. I’ve never liked my chest, its always made me feel uncomfortable and embarrassed. When the dysphoria hits, I feel so detached, I feel like a ghost, I just want to be as far away from myself and my body as I can get, so I just disassociate but then I find it hard to get back in my body again. It really effects my mood, it makes me feel so depressed and really agitated because I’m not comfortable in my skin, because it doesn’t feel like it belongs to me, its never really belonged to me. I know I have to do some work around acceptance of self etc, as I know surgery will not fix all the emotional stuff but it will ease it. But right now that seems like a big thing to work on by myself.

I’m already starting to stress about summer and the warmer weather, as I get hot easily so it wont be as easy to cover up while remaining comfortable. I’m already aware that its gonna cause me a huge deal of stress and anxiety and it may make me less likely to go out far, I’m already anticipating how I’m going to feel, be etc… So I don’t know how I’m going to handle that and get through it.

Not being able to bind my chest makes it all the worse, I think maybe if I could bind that would take a bit of anxiety and stress out of it, I’ve been still trying on the high impact sports bras as they were the most comfortable out of everything I tried but its still not comfortable enough, especially with my chest problems I experience anyway. Its just so fucking frustrating! and doesn’t seem to be getting any easier to deal with, but the longer I’m on T the worse its getting to deal with and most days I feel pretty agitated and anxious. Its not so bad if I’m just at home and not really going anywhere, but as soon as I’ve got to go out for any period of time, especially on my own then I feel so self conscious, agitated and anxious.

I feel like I’m stuck in a limbo, like life can’t move forward right now and I know I’ve stopped moving forward, I wouldn’t know where to go now anyway. I just feel stuck, waiting for life to start again but I can’t find the button. I know I shouldn’t be waiting for top surgery but that’s what it feels like, I feel like after that then my life can start going again, where too I don’t know. I know my life can be better then it is right now, but I don’t know where I’m going, what I want, what direction, what I should or shouldn’t be doing… I’m in a rut and I hate it. Desperately trying to find things that make me really happy and not much is making me as happy as before. I mean I’m not totally unhappy, but I know things can and should be better, I just lost the drive to find it, I feel lost.

Ok… so maybe I needed to write this a more then I really realised but feels good to get it all out, I can breathe now. Been feeling mostly ok today, as I’ve stayed close to home, I’ve only been out to take the dogs for a run. Have felt so so tired today, I’ve just been chilling and looking after myself. I also finished writing out my ESA forms, I just need to get my paperwork together and then Monday I can post it all off recorded delivery, so they can’t say they didn’t get it. But I’ll sort that out on Monday I think, gonna spend the rest of the weekend just relaxing and looking after myself.

That’s it for now, am getting hungry…bloody steroids lol! Gonna go cook myself some food, although I’d really love a take away but money is low.. so cooking it is lol!

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 30 on T

Another week on T, I think I’ve been on testosterone for about 7 and half months now which is cool.

I had my peak testosterone blood test this morning, hate the fasting ones! especially at the moment as I’m on a higher dose of steroids for my chest, so I’m so hungry all the time. I can’t wait to come off them again, I should be finished them by next Friday I think.

Feeling good, nothing much to report really with the physical transition. I sent my deed poll back yesterday! So really excited about that, can’t wait until its all sorted.

I got a new nephew on Sunday which is super exciting! He’s right lil chunk, 9lbs 3! I’m going to see him a bit later, can’t wait.

I’ve got such brain fog at the moment because of the steroids, I can’t really think straight. My heads all foggy, its so frustrating.

I’ve not really been up to much, I’ve just been trying to get better, as I’ve had a really bad chest infection. It finally seems to be shifting now, which is good.

I did a Tai Chi class yesterday, which was really cool. I really enjoyed it, definitely want to find one locally, if I have the confidence to join.

All transition stuff is going well, I can’t wait for my first consultation of top surgery in July, it can’t come soon enough. Its the only thing that’s really distressing and I want sorted like right now. I may look into how much it would cost privately and see if I’m eligible for a credit card… because the wait is just so long. Its something I’m going to look into and do some research.

That’s it for now.

Week 30 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 29 on T

This week I have some big news! But before I talk about that I’ll talk about other stuff that’s transition related.

This morning I had a blood test to check my testosterone levels, this is the trough which means that my testosterone levels will be at their lowest. I then had my testosterone injection done, which went well. Next Tuesday I have another blood test which will be the peak of my testosterone levels and from that they can work out if my levels are too low or high enough. I’m still not convinced that my levels will be high enough but I’ll find out next week.

Again no massive physical changes going on, other then my hair on my face, chest and stomach is getting darker which is really cool. I’ve still not had the confidence to start shaving yet but I’m in no rush. Voice is definitely starting to change, it sounds more noticeable to me now, so that’s pretty cool and others are starting to notice it too.

The gender dysphoria hasn’t been too bad over the last few days, that’s mainly because my mood has lifted a bit, which makes everything a lot easier to deal with. I feel like I’ve got a bit more positive energy going on. I felt a real energy shift on Saturday and I’ve been feeling really calm and peaceful, it feels so nice.

I’m ill yet again at the moment, I have a chest infection so I have more antibiotics and a higher dose of steroids. Hopefully it will kick it soon, I’ve had a high temperature, I ache so much and my chest has been really sore. I’m anticipating a bit of insomnia though being on 35mgs of steroids, hopefully it wont be too bad.

So the big news! which I have left till last on purpose. 9 years ago before I even realised I was trans, I changed my name to Dyllan. I wanted to change my name as I’d always hated my birth name, it never felt right, it never felt like it was me at all. I always felt disconnected from my birth name. I purposely picked Dyllan as its the unisex was of spelling it and I was so sure I wanted a unisex name, but I couldn’t tell you why I wanted a unisex name, I just did. Now it all makes sense as to the why I did what I did.

Recently I have been thinking a lot about my name and how I want to change it to a masculine name, rather then have a unisex name. Since starting testosterone and having physical changes to my body, I’ve been wanting to move away from everything associated with pre-transition. So I have decided to change my name to Zak, its a name that I’ve always loved and it was the name I really thought about a lot when I changed my name to Dyllan. My middle nephew Leo’s middle name is Zack, so it’s cool we’ll have that little connection.

I told my bro and sister in law the other day and they’re both happy about it. My bro said oh well least I can spell that! lol!!! and I’ve told all my friends and had a good response from everyone which is really awesome. I ordered my deed poll yesterday morning, I’m super excited and it shouldn’t take too long to sort out.

The only people I’ve not told yet is my mum and grandparents… But mother is never happy with anything I do in my life, so I know she won’t be happy. I’m not sure how my grandparents will react. But I’m already anticipating a negative response but in all honesty their opinion really means nothing to me. We have no emotional connection, yes we are family but they’re like strangers to me.

Anyway I’m super happy with my new name, it feels so good and feels really right. It feels like the natural progression of my transition, the next step. I feel really content and peaceful and I’ve not felt like that in a few weeks, so its a nice relief.

That’s all for now 🙂

Week 29 on T

^ This weeks picture

Week 29 on T comparison pic

^ Can’t believe how different I look! so awesome

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 25 on T

I don’t know where to even start this week, its not been the best week ever.

I’ll stick to transition stuff for now and I may write another blog about everything else I’ve got going on. I probably need to get it out, as I find writing always helps me process me emotions a bit easier then just talking about things.

Anyway transition stuff, again not much to report but I suppose there wont be as I do these updates weekly. Some people have said my voice sounds a bit different this week so that’s cool.

I can’t write anymore, my brain has shut off. I’m tired and even sure how I’m doing right now.

Week 25 on T

^ This weeks pic

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Dyllan