Transition update – Week 41 on T

Its so strange how things can change for the better in a second. I’m feeling so much better then I have done over the past few months. My financial situation is finally sorted and I got a back payment. Its such a weight off my shoulders, I feel like I can breathe again.

I’ve not spent all the money yet and what I have bought so far has been an investment of sorts. I’ve booked a short holiday in Devon with a friend, I’m super excited as I’ve not been on holiday for about 10 years. I booked to see Eminem in July! with my best friend, we are super excited for this. I got myself a Nintendo switch, a tattoo session and a new hoover. I intend on doing an online course and get my passport sorted. So I feel its not been a waste, I’ve actually got stuff to show for it this time around. So I’m quite proud of myself, as I’m not the best with money lol! I’ve also paid off the people I owed money too, so that felt good.

So I feel right now that my mental health is much better then it was, I’ve had a few anxiety attacks but there’s been a real reason behind them and not just anxiety for no reason. I feel back to myself again, I can enjoy life again rather then just trying to survive. I’m looking forward to the future rather then dreading it. I’m 100% committed to moving forward and bettering myself, I don’t want to be stuck in this place forever. I feel like apart from the transition and coming out as trans, nothing else has really moved forward in the last 5 years or so and I feel now is the time to do something more worthwhile. I’m not going to dive into anything, just small steps, small changes and things will start moving.

Transition stuff is going ok, I had my fasting blood test this morning to check my T levels and then I had my injection. I’ve got to have another fasting blood test next week and then hopefully I’ll get the results before I go away. I’m still not 100% that my levels are right as the last 3 weeks my emotions have been all over the place and I’ve found it really hard to hold myself together. Part of it has been high stress levels but I also think some of it is hormonal as well. Its a waiting game and I realise it takes time to get theses things right and I know it will be an ongoing thing.

Gender dysphoria has been ok-ish and its been manageable. Some days its easier to deal with but other days its so much harder. It makes me feel anxious, agitated which makes me detach and disassociate. I intend on trying to ground myself daily in order to help me deal with the gender dysphoria and disassociation. I’ve been writing in my journal again and that’s helped me express how I feel daily and its been helpful to look back on it and reflect on how I’ve dealt with things and how I’ve been feeling. I also intend on looking after myself and my needs again properly as I’ve let the self care side slip a bit, so I have made a promise to myself to put myself first.

That’s all for now πŸ™‚

Week 41 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Zak

Quick catch up – Big News

I haven’t posted for a while as my head hasn’t been in the best place for the last few months or so because I’ve been dealing with so much bullshit. But a few things have changed since the last time I posted, so things are moving forward slowly.

My biggest piece of news is that I finally won my PIP case and its all sorted, which is a massive relief. On the flipside of that I have to reapply for ESA next April/May and my PIP in September. I’m trying not to worry about it too much but its hard not to as I’ve been through 14 months of hell with PIP. I am just trying to concentrate on the now and getting through this coming “Joyful” season.

So that’s my main news, its a bit bittersweet but hey such is life. My other good news is that I finally have an appointment at Southampton General Hospital to see a Vasculitis specialist in January and it couldn’t come sooner, I’ve been waiting for a long long time for this to be sorted out. I know exactly what I want and need out of this appointment, so I am almost bursting to get there and start getting the ball rolling.

I’ve also had an appointment through for the endocrinologist and that’s in March. They’ve already started me on Vitamin D tablets as my levels are really low and they need them to be at a certain level before I can start hormones. So super excited for this appointment but I know that until I come off my steroids I cannot start hormones, which is why the Southampton appointment is so important.

I think that’s all the big stuff that’s been going on over the last few months. My head has been all over the place recently, so its hard to remember things. My mood has been up and down as well but I am starting to feel a bit more settled now.

This is just the tip of the iceberg really, there’s tons of other stuff that I haven’t even mentioned but I will try and post again soon.

Peace out

Batman

Benefits saga – Continues

I’ve decided to split up my posts about my life into sections, so my posts are shorter and a bit easier to read and digest.

So as the title states this one is about PIP and ESA…Oh the joys!

Well after having to go to a tribunal, the DWP decided they might appeal the court’s decision. I am currently still waiting to hear from them.

I did get the statement that the tribunal sent to DWP but that’s all. I am really hoping I hear this week, as the wait is killing me! I just want it over with and I just want it sorted. It physically hurts, the wait is just agonising and just unreal.

The sad thing is I know I’m not the only one going through this and its heart breaking to think about all the pain and suffering that has been caused by this benefit change-up.

I feel like as a person with disabilities, I am being picked on and treated like a criminal. Even though my issues are legitimate and real, whether you can see them or not. My disabilities are there and they affect me every day.

The system certainly doesn’t cater for people with physical and mental health issues. For example, I would love to be able to work on the days I felt well enough and then on the days I need to rest then I could take off. But I just doesn’t work like that, jobs aren’t that flexible. Most jobs these days are zero contract hours, so I wouldn’t be entitled to statutory sick pay and benefits takes months or in my case over a year to sort out. Or similarly people with mental health issues, could be well for say 3 months at a time. So they could work that 3 months and then take time off to rest or if they become unwell then to get better again. But as I said it just doesn’t work like that and to me it doesn’t make much sense and I feel that it should be working this way, so then at least people who are unable to work all the time are at least paying taxes, even if it’s for a short while, not to mention the fact that it will give people with long-term health issues purpose, self-esteem and pride in themselves. I despise not being a productive member of society but we have a system in place that’s all or nothing. You are either able to work or you’re not, which is silly to me.

Well that’s my personal opinion and views on where the system is going wrong.

I am also still without my bus pass, which is making me feel trapped because I’m unable to pay for the bus with the little money I do get. I’ve emailed my OT again to get her to chase it up, as it was meant to have been processed last Monday and I should have got it last week, so I don’t know what’s going on with that. It’s so frustrating having to always chase things up. I just wish things would start running a bit more smoothly so it’s not so bloody stressful.

Anyway that’s all for now, I will post more when I know more.

Peace out

Batman

PIP Tribunal Results are in…

I had my PIP tribunal Tuesday afternoon, I had my awesome friend come with me. He came down from London for the day just to help me. I was so so grateful as I definitely wouldn’t have got through it without him there with me. He also treated me to ice cream afterwards.

J and I hung out all morning, we didn’t do much just watched tv and chatted mainly. It was nice to catch up and hang out, even if we did have to go do grown up things in the afternoon lol.

The tribunal itself wasn’t too horrific, it definitely wasn’t as bad as I thought it would have been.

There was a Judge, a doctor and a disabilities adviser, the doctor seemed to have heard about my Granulomatosis with Polyangiitis, which was good and the other two were actually nice. I didn’t feel too judged by them, like I thought I would, so I didn’t feel to awful when I left.

I didn’t get their decision there and then, as they said its a lot to talk about and digest so they wanted to take their time, so they sent it in the post which I received today.

I want to list once again what my medical issues are, I wont go into how they affect me as I just can’t go through that again.

Anyway I have:

  • Granulomatosis with Polyangiitis
  • Bipolar disorder
  • ADHD
  • Hyper mobility

I got awarded PIP but I only got 8 point for the Living component and NOTHING for the mobility component. When I was on DLA I was on middle rate care and mobility, my health issues have not changed, if anything they have got worse. So how I do not qualify for mobility is beyond me. It means I have lost Β£100 a month as well, I do still qualify for the severe disability rates on ESA but I do not now qualify for the free bus pass, so I am hoping my Social Services blue pass comes to me very soon, so I can re-apply for my bus pass.

I am not happy with their decision but I am not going to challenge it because I have only been awarded it until Feb 2018, which means I will have to do the forms again by September 2017. Which is absolute bullshit! My conditions won’t have changed in the next 12months I will still have them. But it does give me a chance to get as much evidence as I can in that time.

So as you can all imagine I am angry but I simply don’t have the energy to fight them any further then I already have.

Once again I have a raging sinus and chest infection, I saw a doctor today but she wasn’t my regular GP as he was busy. I asked for another steroid injection, she said she can’t do another too close, its got to be 6 weeks apart really. I asked about re-starting Methotrexate just until I get to Southampton hospital and she said no…But she did give me 40mgs of oral steroids which she said would make me feel better in 4 hours of taking them but it didn’t. I did leave a message with my GP but he didn’t ring, so I’m going to ring in the morning and see if he can ring me and get something sorted, because I am soooo fucking over this right now.

Anyway gonna wrap this up,

Peace out

Batman

Psych app – Not where I want to be but where I need to be

Thought I would write a quick update from my post the other day as I had my psych appointment this afternoon.

My appointment was roughly 10 minutes long, barely that I would say. I wasn’t able to actually express myself properly and how bad I’ve actually been feeling, I was able to say my mood was low but that was about it. So yeah he really didn’t get the extent of what I am feeling right now.

He didn’t want to try me on Lamotrigine, he wanted me to see how I felt after the tribunal for benefits. He so didn’t get that I didn’t want to go to this appointment in the first fucking place! It took a lot for me to ring up and book an appointment as I feel like I’ve failed!

But I put my foot down and said no I really want to try it, even if its for 6 months just until I get back onto my feet again. So he reluctantly gave me Lamotrigine to try and I am glad I was able to put my foot down and get what I wanted.

I left feeling really fucking angry, mainly because I just felt rushed and that he just didn’t understand me at all! It took a lot for me to go there in the first place let alone say yeah I’m really fucking suicidal all the time…

But whatever its done, I got the meds I wanted so I shouldn’t hang on to it too much.

My OT rang this morning and she has done the paper work for me to get a social services blue pass so I will be able to renew my bus pass without waiting for PIP results, so I feel a bit more relieved about that I just hope it comes through quickly.

I’ve also decided to go on homeswappers just to see whats available, because if I leave it up to the council it could take forever, after all 1% of people are being adequately housed right now..URGH!

Oh my ESA assessment on Mon went well, the lady was a nurse and it was all over fairly quickly. She was really nice and totally understood my situation. So I am hoping I will here pretty soon.

Not really sure how I feel, I’m trying to let go of the anger about my appointment and just get over it but easier said then done right now.

So yeah I’m not where I want to be but I am where I need to be

Peace out

Batman

I feel into the darkness

A month ago since I last posted and I was attempting to write more regularly but life and my poor mental health has kinda got in the way and to be honest I don’t remember a lot of the past month. I know I’ve had a few good days with friends and my brother but the rest of the time has been pretty dark. I recently spoke out loud to someone about how I’ve been feeling so yeah now its like real so I can and need to talk Β about it.

So I suppose I’ll quickly update about benefits and stuff..

Tomorrow is my ESA face to face assessment, so not looking forward to it but luckily I have someone coming with me. But I am still super fucking nervous, although I have heard ESA isn’t as hard to get as PIP.

I have my PIP tribunal on 23rd of this month.. which I am really not fucking looking forward too! proper freaking out! But again I have an awesome friend who is coming down especially to come with me. He is awesome.

I had a letter yesterday to say my bus pass will run out in a months time and if my PIP isn’t sorted by then, then I will be unable to renew it and I won’t be able to get to any groups or appointments. But I have emailed my OT about getting a social services blue card so I will always be eligible for a bus pass. Definitely not a stress I need right now.

Health hasn’t been great, had a sinus infection which went to my chest and out of hours and a&e wouldn’t help me… which they usually do! So ended up waiting to see my GP and he gave me a steroid injection in my bum and it made me feel so much better, energy wise anyway as I literally had no energy to get out of bed. My referral to Southampton has been sent! So I am mega happy about that and cannot wait to be seen by someone who’s got a clue how to treat me and will actually fucking listen.

I am off Tramadol altogether now which is great but the Gabapentin has caused me to gain a stone in weight, which has gone to the places I want it the least, my chest, stomach and hips and because I’ve not been well, I’ve not been able to get out and exercise and because my moods been low I’ve been binge eating… which makes me feel even fucking worse.

That brings me to the my mental health.. Well its not been fucking pretty I can say that for sure.

I thought I was doing ok but only because I was keeping my true feelings inside and not really being true to myself and probably lack of insight as well didn’t help. But I’ve not been well for months, I’m just an expert at hiding it well.

In Oct when I had a bit of a manic episode due to lack of sleep, it did take a few weeks to recover but then I think I was doing ok, from what I remember. (memory at the moment is so poor) I was fairly stable and coping with everything ok.

When my money first got cut in Feb, I was like ok this is fine, I’ll cut the bills where I can, change my outgoings where I am able to etc and I will just make it work and that was ok for a bit.

As time went on it got harder and harder, my physical health got worse, I was more isolated then I ever have been before and my mood became lower and harder for me to control.

So right now I am in a place where I am struggling to stay or be grounded because I keep disassociating all the time, to the point that I am losing hours of time just by sat staring into space, so if I have an appointment I have to set like 6 alarms just so I get out of the house on time but usually once I’ve had a shower and I’m back in my body again then its not too bad. But its so fucking difficult to deal with on a daily basis, its so fucking draining.

That I can sort of deal with though but what I am finding harder to deal with is the depression, the suicidal thoughts which are fairly fucking regular and the self harm thoughts, which are so strong and I’ve gone as far as going to the shop to buy razor blades, I did manage to walk out without any but that took every little bit of strength I had left that day and its something I think about doing every day because nothing is giving me the release I need! Even writing about it my whole body is just itching to do it! Trouble is at this point I wouldn’t be in control of it or myself…I probably wouldn’t want to stop once I started either.

So yeah right now I am in a really fucking dark place and I cannot get out of this myself, only medication will help and I refuse to up the Quetiapine! So will ring the mental health team for an appointment to see if I can try Lamotrigine as that is a non weight gaining medication. I really don’t want to as I feel like its going backwards once again.

I feel so helpless, fucking useless, hopeless and like I really don’t give a fuck anymore and for me feeling like this is not good, especially with the disassociation, that’s when really bad things happen because I am not aware and I am not in control.

It’s a scary place to be, I used to love feeling out of control because that’s all I knew for all my life, then I got well and I liked that even more because I felt some level of security in that.

Just hope my psych can see me this week..

Peace out

Batman

Forever waiting – Massive catch up

Again it’s been just over a month since I last wrote anything about my exciting life lol, I’ve been struggling to write at the moment because my life is in a bit of a limbo and the benefits saga seems to be over shadowing everything else and the other stuff seems to be a lot of inconvenient bullshit, that occurs on a regular basis it seems at the moment. But like I said the benefits saga is the main concern and looks like it will be that way for another 3 months.

Whilst I am on the subject of benefits I may as well do a proper update of this ridiculous situation. So in my last post I said that the courts had gotten the appeal with all the information I sent and they were waiting to hear from the Department of Work and Pensions. It’s now 5 weeks later and I rang the courts up last week to see what was going on and they said it can take up to 12-17 weeks for a court date and I am on week 5, so I’ve possibly got to wait another 12 weeks or 3 months which makes it sound longer, just for a court date. September should be when I get a date but fuck knows when the date will be for, probably for 3 months after that, by September it will be 7 months since my money stopped but it all started back last September, when I got the form to fill out, December I had my face to face assessment, January they said no, February I did the mandatory reconsideration, last month I appealed that… and here I am yet again waiting. If I get a court date by September then it will be a year since this whole thing started and to be honest I’m surprised I’ve got through without self harming because it has been incredibly stressful, soul destroying and just utterly horrific. Having to do the appeals and write down all the things I cannot do or that I struggle to do, it has totally destroyed any confidence or self esteem I had about myself and has knocked me to the floor and I’ve been struggling to pick myself back up again. When I read the statistics about the people who have killed themselves because they’ve been deemed fit to work and are no longer entitled to disability benefits, I totally fucking understand why! I totally get it! I have felt so close to the edge and I’ve wanted to end it all several fucking times because I felt like I could just not do this any more. It does make you question the fact of well am I fit to work? Am I really this ill? Is it all just in my head? Even though the rational part of you knows you are ill and you are entitled to the benefits. It’s horrible questioning you’re entire life, whilst having to prove it to others who simply have no fucking clue. Right now this isn’t living it’s existing and everyone is entitled to a decent quality of life. I’m lucky that I have a few good friends who’ve helped me out with money, emotional support, love and just everything a great friendship is made of and I’m lucky to live in such a beautiful place, where I can sit by the water with my dogs just a stones throw from my house.

That nicely brings me onto the rest of my life and what I’ve been up too. I don’t feel like I’ve done a lot really and that’s mainly because everything I do something I have to then spend time recovering from it, which is frustrating to say the least because someone of my age shouldn’t have to rest and recover from activities that most people do without thinking. I’ve spent a lot of time with L and the boys either being here at mine or being at their place and as always its a good laugh but so exhausting, I honestly don’t know how she does it with all her problems too, big respect to her. L dyed my Mohawk blue πŸ˜€ and yeah it looks so awesome! I’ve also been regularly going to my groups and counselling, which at times has been hard because I have been so unmotivated and just so low but I’ve pushed myself through it all. Like I previously said I live a stones throw away from the sea and its such a beautiful place, when the weather is nice I could just stay out there forever. I’ve just been trying to maintain some sort of normality, which includes the odd treat for myself and the animals, its been the very rare occasion but I think we all to often forget the power of treating/pampering yourself has, whether it be ice cream, a facial, a holiday or a Lego set. Treating yourself isn’t something you should be ashamed of or guilty about, because lets face it no matter what walk of life you are from, life gets fucking hard and whoever you are, you should have enough self respect to say YES I deserve this. Yes I am on benefits but does it mean I am less worthy to treat myself then someone who works hard for their money? No! that’s what the media wants you to think with all there shit fucking shows about a small minority of people on benefits and they do not at all represent people like me, who have a well documented and real health condition that effects my daily life because they don’t want you to know about genuine people like myself, they have their own agenda and they just demonise everyone on benefits, which if you haven’t already guessed really grinds my fucking gears. Anyway that was off on a bit of a rant lol so back to what I was talking about, so yes I have continued to treat myself, obviously not as much as I did before as I’ve just not had the money but it has been an important part of keeping me going and keeping me sane. I’ve also taken a lot of time over the past month to just be by myself and not talking to anyone and that’s also been a vital part of getting through all this. Overall the last month has been good but the really low darkness is always there in the background, I’m just working really hard not to let it overpower me on a daily basis and I don’t think people appreciate just how hard it is, to battle with your own mind every second of every day, its exhausting. I’m not ashamed to say that I’ve been really low and struggling and I still feel low and I am still struggling and in all honestly without my lovely friends, my groups and counselling I probably wouldn’t be here right now. Besides I do not want to die as the person that isn’t my true self, I need to go through my journey to be the real me.

Moving on to my physical health, which as usual has been a bundle of fun…NOT! Where to start… I suppose I’ll start with my transition stuff as that is fairly straight forward because I am still waiting for my first appointment. But I am going to send them a letter with my new NHS number and ask if they know roughly when I should be hearing about my first appointment. To be honest right now I’m happy to be waiting for this for a few reasons, even though I’m desperate to get on my journey, I have other things in my life that need to be sorted before hand, ie money and meds, so its not really high on my list even though I want it so bad. Sometimes wants and needs differ and needs are more important. Last time I wrote about my knee and trying anti-inflammatory’s, I tried two and neither helped so two weeks ago today I had a steroid injection right into the joint and it has helped to a degree but it still keeps swelling up and hurting, it’s not as bad but still its not great. Also two weeks ago I started Gabapentin which is a anti-epileptic which is also used as pain relief. It seems to be working well along side my Tramadol but I am slowly lowering the Tramadol as my body is addicted to it and I want to see how well the Gabapentin works by itself. The other reason I want to come off the Tramadol is because I will need strong opiate based drugs after the surgeries I have throughout my transition. So I need to detox off it and hopefully when I need it in the future it will be more effective then it is right now. Oh my appetite is great since starting the Gabapentin, it has the same weight gaining effect as Quetiapine and I’ve put on 5lbs in two weeks. It does seem to be slowing down now and I’m not nearly as hungry as last week, I just couldn’t stop eating lol! I am being mindful of what and how much I am eating but it is hard. But to be honest I’m just glad I’m eating and its not a stressful thing. I’ve spoken to my GP about what’s happening with my referral to Southampton hospital and it’s basically down to my gender change…DO’H! So because I’ve changed my gender and title I effectively have become a whole new person, which is true but what happens is that all your medical history is deleted from the doctors system and your are put back on as a new patient, so what they are currently trying to do is get hold of the hard copy of my medical records in order to send to Southampton as they need to know everything before they see me. I certainly don’t remember everything that’s happened to me medically in the last 31 years because well its been loads lol. But yeah I’ve been assured that the practice manager is on it, I feel better now I know what’s happening but it is another thing that I am in limbo with. I swear I spend most of my time waiting for shit to get sorted out lol! Other then that not much has changed, still struggling with fatigue and not sleeping well but it is what it is, I wake up a few times a night sometimes and I just get up have a drink or a wee and sometimes I go straight back to sleep but sometimes I have to get up for a hour or so. I’m not stressing about this because my insomnia or painsomnia issues have been going on for so long now and I’ve tried everything to help me sleep through the night but its clearly not meant to be. I’m on long term Doxycycline at the moment so I’ve not caught any colds, although I have a bit of a chesty cough at the moment but that’s probably down to my sinus gunk dripping down to my chest, which ironically the Doxycycline is meant to help with…I feel its not working lol, my ENT app isn’t until next month so not much I can do or my GP can do right now.

Wow that’s a lot of stuff about me aha! I shall end on a update of my 4 four babies, who are all just in perfect health and are all amazing and are all helping me get through the darkest times and I am totally in love with them ❀

Ooh also here’s a few pics of us all

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^^ yeah boi I am πŸ˜€ haha

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^^ Me and Harvey on his 9th Birthday last week ❀

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^^ Me and my boo boo ❀

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^^ Harley doing a bit of yoga lol

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^^Marley moo

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^^ Mr Scrappy doodle

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^^ My beautiful Foxy girl

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^^ I love this place

Right that’s all from this boi, its taken me hours to write this, its very therapeutic though and I do feel calm and grounded.

Peace out Batman

 

 

Am I losing it? – Update on my life

It has been another 7 days since I last posted on here, mainly because my mood has been really low and I’ve not had the motivation to do anything and a bit because my situation hasn’t really changed much and I’m so fed up.

So what has been happening in my life in the past 7 days.. Not much lol, mostly because like I said I’ve been depressed and I’ve isolated myself. I tried to go to the group social on Thursday afternoon but it was just way too much and I could only stay for an hour, it was just too overwhelming. I think the fact I had meditated before I went was a factor as while it is good, it can also have a negative effect.

I found this picture and it really spoke to me, I love it and look at it every day.

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It made me think about my current situation and yes while it is very stressful and I am struggling to pay my bills etc. I can still have a good day, I can still do things that will make me happy and I’ve been trying to do that by making sure the housework and laundry is all done, making sure me and my fur babies have what we need and by making sure I don’t isolate myself too much, which is hard when I don’t have much money but a day out doesn’t need to cost much. So yeah I am trying to make the most out of a bad situation but I am also allowing myself to feel depressed, stressed and overwhelmed, I’m just not letting my emotions rule my day.

I saw my GP last week and he said I have fluid on my knee, so he gave me more anti-inflammatory meds to try. So far they haven’t helped too much but I shall see how it goes and if it still hurts then he will give me a steroid injection into my knee joint :/ ouch! I also asked about changing to Gabapentin for my pain as the tramadol isn’t working so much any more.

A big thing happened this week and that was I left a site that I have used for 6 Β years, I won’t name it but its for people with physical and mental health issues and for carers of people with physical and mental health issues. It has been a huge part of my life and it has been helpful but I felt I no longer have anything left to give the members of that community as most of them just want to be validation and don’t want to recover and some members are down right toxic and I will no longer tolerate people who make me out to be the bad person and I will not tolerate people manipulating me to feel bad for them and that site has one or two people like that. I feel I am on a different path now and I no longer need that sort of thing in my life, I am trying to get away from toxic people. It does feel weird as it was a big part of my life for so long and I am feeling a bit anxious about it but I know it’s for the best.

Update on benefits stuff – I got a letter to say the courts have my information I sent and now they are waiting for the Department of Work and Pensions to get back to them and then I will be sent a court date. I just want it over so bad, I am SO close to it being over, I just gotta hold on a little longer. People keep telling me I’m doing great but I feel like I am losing control and just totally losing my shit, I’m desperately trying to keep it together but its so freaking hard!

My appetite has gone again, what a fucking surprise lol. So I’ve just been grazing on whatever I fancy and I’m trying not to put so much pressure on myself. The belief is that I have to eat 3 proper meals a day, but is that really fact? Do I really have too? No I don’t because I’m an adult and I cannot force my body to do something it doesn’t want too do and it doesn’t want to eat regular meals. I think because all my life I have been forced to eat 3 meals a day and always been told that is what I need to do etc and its a hard to break that thought pattern.

But yeah I have lots of stuff to work through as usual and its hard man, like so hard! I think I need to possibly seek help for the PTSD due to my physical health diagnosis at a young age, I think its really causing me a lot of issues right now, with my mood and just stuff. I can’t explain it.

Feeling a little relaxed for having wrote this, although I feel really disconnected so I’m not sure if that shows in who I write this but yeah.

My Mr Scrappy Doodles is 2 years old today πŸ™‚ We took the bus to the park, it was so nice out, the sun was out and it was lovely and warm. Scrappy had lots of fun swimming in the sea and playing fetch and Foxy just followed us around peeing on everything lol.

Here are some pics from today

Peace out

Batman

Waiting is the worst part

It’s only been 5 days since I last posted but it feels much longer as I’ve been quite busy, mainly getting my PIP stuff sorted but I’ve also been doing nice things too, to break up the monotony of the PIP stuff.

I’ll follow on from my last post,

Mr Scrappy doodles continues to be in good health and he turns 2 next week, which has gone so fast. Foxy, Marley and Harley are also doing great and Harley has a birthday next week as well and she will be 1 years old. Its gone insanely fast.

Medical stuff – My whole knee is swollen, so is my ankle and my hip feels like its swollen too, so yeah my whole leg. The naproxen didn’t help at all, it just caused me a huge bruise on the back of my thigh. So I booked another appointment to see my GP and its this Friday…really early in the morning :/ But whatever my leg is really hurting and nothing is helping.

I have my CT scan next week which is cool but my follow up app with my ENT isn’t until July.. So I may try and see if I can bring it forward.

Disability Benefits stuff – With the help of a good friend to get stuff all printed out and another person who checked over my appeal. It all finally came together, yesterday I checked it over like 3 times to make sure everything wasn’t missing and it was all in order. I posted it special delivery which cost Β£7.10 but it ensured its safety to get there and they cannot say they didn’t receive it in time.

I’m glad its all done but now I’ve got to wait, which is almost as stressful. I so hope they re-think the tribunal, I can’t go through that, I just don’t have the energy for it. This process alone has taken everything from me, I have nothing left.

I’m feeling a bit lost at the moment because the process of writing my appeal has brought up so many feelings, the main feeling being anger and the fact that I’ve not dealt with the PTSD caused by my physical health illness and I don’t know where to start. It’s all been very traumatic and something no one should have to go through.

How do I feel right now? I don’t know, I think I feel sad, I suppose you could say depressed. I just don’t feel connected with myself, I’m not grounded, I’m just exhausted in every sense of the word. Tonight I will meditate, I will try and relax a bit more.

I’ll end this now as my brain has switched itself off.

Peace out

Batman

I am still a work in process – update on life.

WOW so it has been a long old few weeks since I last posted and a lot has happened.

First of all I would like to say that I cannot believe I have kept my shit together, despite all the trials and tribulations I have been through recently. If this was to happen to me say 4-5 years ago then I would have lost my shit ages ago and I would have self harmed A LOT! But I have kept as calm as I could and I’ve not self harmed at all, which proves to me that I’ve grown and that I do not fit the BPD diagnosis any longer.

Um so where to start….

So Scrappy had another trip to the vets last week as he was still poorly but not as bad as his first trip to the vets, so he was given something to balance all the good bacteria in his stomach and it worked really well and he was back to his usual self in no time at all. The vet suggested he be muzzled when he’s out to prevent him from eating shit he’s not meant too. My friend took us to get him a muzzle and it will be ok for now but he can get it off but hopefully he’ll get used to it. All my other fur babies are absolutely fine πŸ™‚

Medical stuff – I saw my new ENT doc and he was ok, he has ordered me a CT scan of my sinuses to see where we go from there and antibiotics until we know what the next step is. He also did me a letter for my PIP.

I also saw my GP and he is doing my referral to Dr Edwards in Southampton hospital! woohoo! FINALLY! He also gave me some naproxen for me knees as they keep swelling up and are really painful.

Disability benefits stuff – So I have been working really hard on writing my appeal as the Personal Independent Payment people have refused my mandatory reconsideration, I feel I was penalised because it was in late, which was not in my control as I had a charity helping me and it was their responsibility, I have since had an apology from the charity but I am still planning on making a official complaint about it. But anyway the appeal has been written and amended by someone who knows what the requirements are etc and its absolutely spot on. It’s all slowly coming together and I will be able to post it on Monday.

Sorting this out has had a huge impact on my physical and mental health and my ability to do anything. I’ve missed a lot of my groups and counselling, I’ve been quite isolated and lonely. I’ve struggled just to do day to day tasks because I have been so tired, in so much pain and feeling far too overwhelmed, even taking a shower feels too much. It has certainly taken a massive toll on me and this whole process has been a huge trigger for the deep routed anger that is inside me.

This whole process has brought up a lot of stuff and has bought up a load of thoughts about all the times I’ve been let down by nearly everyone in my life, at every crucial moment in my life. My core memories aren’t all happy, great memories, they are mostly negative with a bit of trauma thrown in. I am feeling a lot of anger and I don’t know how to get rid of it in a normal healthy way, I know I am on the right path because I know I need to do something about this anger in a healthy way and my behaviour hasn’t been destructive at all, which is a vast improvement since I completed DBT. I just need to work out how to process it, where to start, what do I do?! I will meditate on it, look up ways to process deep routed anger and see where we go from here. I think though I need to stop fighting and rest, my fight, flight or freeze is stuck in fight mode just to get me through all this but, I need to stop for a bit, stop fighting and just be, that will be easier said then done, as I have spent a lot of time in fight mode recently just to get through each day!

How do I feel right now? I feel emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually exhausted. I need to rest and I will, I need to tend to all my needs and listen to my inner child and what he needs, this reminds me I want to learn more about this and re-parenting my inner child etc.

Just writing this has helped a bit but now I need to eat something and sleep πŸ™‚

But just before I go, here are a few pictures of me and my babies ❀

^^ Marley Moo

^^ Harley playing with her new toys that my lovely friend made πŸ™‚

^^ My beautiful Foxy girl

^^ My photography

^^ Scrappy doodles love swimming in the sea πŸ™‚

^^ Me, I actually quite like this picture of me.

Peace out

Batman