Transition update – Week 45 on T

Its been a funny old week this week, I’ve mainly been feeling really overwhelmed with different emotions and I’ve started to unpick them and try and make sense of it all, in order to hopefully ease how I feel.

I’ve mainly been feeling super anxious, awkward, uncomfortable and generally out of place. I think part of that is the dysphoria but some of it isn’t.

Things are going well and its uncomfortable so a part of me wants to hit self destruct and fuck it all up because its easier but the other part of me wants so much to push through these uneasy feelings and get past all the negative patterns. Self destruction would be the easiest option but I will never move forward if I do… so I’m gonna work hard to push through this uncomfortable stage because I do deserve to be happy (even if I don’t always believe it)

I’ll get through I always do, I just gotta keep working on myself to move forward.

It’s hard to know what’s the gender dysphoria and what’s not as it’s all a bit jumbled up but I’m working on slowly unpicking things and mainly trying to name my emotions so I can see what’s what.

I have my first consultation for top surgery in 3 weeks which I’m super excited for! I literally can’t wait!

Week 45 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

That’s all for now,

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 32 on T

Today would have been T shot day but the docs didn’t have any appointments, so I’m having it done bright and early Thursday morning lol, 8:30am! Urgh, that’s still the middle of the night!! This is why I wanted to do it myself, so I didn’t have to mess around with apps and I can do it on the exact day its due. Even though I know it can be done 5 days before or 7 days after its due, it still gives me anxiety that its not being done on the exact day its due! But I’m weird like that, silly things give me big anxiety. I suppose its about control, its something I need to let go of a bit more and not let little things stress me out so much. A lot of it is because I often don’t feel like I have any power or control, so little things cause big anxiety. Man I sound like a lil weirdo but whatever.

My weeks been busy but its been really good. I’ve finally got rid of my chest infection, it only took just over 3 weeks and I’ve finished my steroids too, which is a relief! Although its been messing up my mood a bit, been feeling a bit emotional today but I think that was a mixture of things. I feel fine now, I had a nice shower and did some EFT (emotional freedom technique) on myself and it made me feel a lot better, much calmer and less emotional then I was, which is always a good thing. I know there’s a calmness inside, I just don’t always feel it. So I’m going to try and tap out all the intense negative emotions as and when they come, hopefully it will help me regain some control and things wont get so intense and overwhelming.

For some reason this week I am super spotty on my chest, neck and back, although I’m pretty spotty in those areas already but these last couple of days, loads of extra bloody spots have popped up lol! Its sooo hard not to squeeze all the ones I can reach, gross I know lol. Some of them are quite sore but I can’t reach them to put any cream or anything on them. Not sure what its all about lol, I’m hoping they calm down as like I said some are really sore, I’ve got a few on my scalp as well, they are a bit itchy and sore too.

My voice is slowly getting there, I’ve noticed today its a bit deeper which is cool, I said something earlier and I was like woah! who said that!! made me chuckle to myself. My T levels are nearly right I think, I speak to my GP Thursday about my levels as my results from the last bloods said they were borderline, not sure what that means, so I’m assuming it means that they aren’t quite high enough. So they may need to tweak the frequency of the T shot again.

My gender dysphoria and disassociation has been mostly ok this week, I’ve been feeling quite relaxed and calm where my body is concerned. But I’ve spent this week looking after myself and my needs, rather then everything else that isn’t really important. Which just proves how much self care is essential to my well-being, its something I struggle to do regularly. It is so noticeable when I stop basic self care, everything just goes off the wall and unmanageable. I’ve been taking a lot of really hot showers and it really helps with the disassociation and I can take 15-20 mins to just be totally in the moment, breathe and relax. It really works for me at the moment, it may not always work and may not work for others but at the moment its working, which is the main thing.

Well its gone midnight now and I better get to bed and I have my friends kids over again tonight and I’ll probably be up around 8:30 am, my mind is pretty awake so I need to wind down a bit before I can go to sleep

 

 

Week 32 on T.JPG

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 31 on T

Another week on testosterone and its been a crazy week, its been up, down and all over the place. Its been hard to keep a track of how I feel, what’s going on. It feels like a whirlwind of emotions, highs and lows and just intense overwhelming feelings.

All been triggered my external stuff, but I think the testosterone has lowered my ability to deal with anger. Usually I’m quite placid and it takes me a lot to get outwardly angry, like screaming, shouting and throwing shit angry. But the last few months, I can’t control it, I can go from calm to intense anger in seconds… and I don’t like it, I don’t like feeling that angry and out of control. Yesterday though I tried some EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) on myself yesterday and it really helped me to bring the intensity of the anger down. It didn’t make it go away, I probably could have kept on doing it until my anger was right down but it brought me back down which is what I needed. Its something I intend on trying more and more to help me manage my emotions a bit better.

I still haven’t had the results of my testosterone levels, so may ring the docs tomorrow to find out whats going on. On my docs notes it just says borderline, make an app with the doctor, I just looked at my online notes, as it was in my head, so yes that’s a job for tomorrow.

I haven’t noticed any physical changes but I expect that’s because my T levels are still lower then they should be and from what it says on my docs notes that’s looking more likely. That’s cool and easily fixable by increasing the frequency of the testosterone shots.

Week 31 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This weeks video

Well its nearly midnight and I still got a few bits to do before I can go to bed, so that’s its for tonight.

Peace out

Zak