Adventure Time – Brighton day trip

On Thursday I took a pretty huge step, I went to Brighton for the day by train on my own.

I’ve always had anxiety about getting the train places, as I have a fear of getting lost. Which is probably a weird fear but that’s where my anxiety around travelling alone comes from.

I’ve been to Brighton before, with a friend for Pride. This was probably about 11/12 years ago now. I don’t remember much of the journey or even pride itself. It sucks that I don’t really remember this experience but I don’t remember a lot of experiences in my life.

I got my first train just gone 9 am, it was running late but I was feeling pretty relaxed. I had to change trains, which went smoothly and I got on the right one. I did ask the train guard if it was the train to Brighton before getting on, just to ease my anxieties.

Got into Brighton at 12:21 and man it was freezing! I didn’t really have a plan of where I was going or what I was doing. So I just started walking and followed the sign posts.

I hit some shops and the first one that drew me in was a crystal shop! haha I mean of course it was! But there were loads of them! There was so many awesome shops, such bright colours, such a lovely energy. I kinda felt at home, my anxieties disappeared and I just was in awe of the place. I spent the day walking around with my mouth wide open! lol.

I went down to the Pier and walked along it, went in the arcade, had a walk along the beach. I went to Franco Manca for lunch, they do the best sourdough pizza’s. It was nice sitting and having lunch on my own in a new town.

I headed home at 5pm feeling extremely proud of myself, I felt incredible! Like I could conquer anything. Even now a few days later, I’m still feeling really good about myself.

I’ve spent my life waiting on other people, always believing I wasn’t strong enough to do things on my own, or that I needed other people to help me. But I bloody did it, I proved myself wrong and I proved everyone else wrong.

I am strong, I am capable, I can do things! I am good enough.

I had the best day and I definitely intend on going back there. Maybe when its a bit warmer lol. I’m also intending on going to Brighton for this years Trans Pride. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a while but just haven’t got round to going yet. But this year definitely feels like the year to go.

This is one of many adventures I plan on having this year!

Peace out

Zak

Rediscovering myself

Since December, I’ve been in hibernation mode and I’ve really struggled to get out and about. I’ve wanted to stay close to home and just relax, but I feel its time to start slowly crawling out of this cocoon I’ve built and participate in life again.

It was necessary for me to take a step back from life so I could continue to heal from surgery and reevaluate my life. As I had some big life changes, friendship changes and growing in self confidence.

I’ve also been rediscovering who I am as a person, been trying to find my style, who I want to be as a man, what I am willing to put up with, who I want in my life, my expectations of every. So the hibernation time has been a really important part of that, as its allowed me the time and space to just sit and be and to look back on how things went before and what I want my future to look like now.

I’ve learnt that I had put myself into the role of care taker, for practically everyone in my life and I was always waiting on who needed me next, I was always making myself available for other people even if it meant not putting myself first.

I know I am a natural healer, which is really cool and I love helping people but I also need to know my value as an individual. I have stopped helping people at the detriment to myself, I’ve been putting up clear boundaries with people as well, which isn’t always easy but it makes me feel good.

I’m going to stop putting my life on hold and start doing the things I want to do. I’ve spent so much time making myself available for other people, just in case I’m needed, that my life kinda took a back seat.

I’ve made myself available for the people who wouldn’t do the same for me. I’ve realised that some friendships I was in were making my self esteem so low, due to the way I was talked to and treated. I am more capable then I realise and I am totally ready to see what I am capable of doing.

I want this year to be fun, I want to have adventures, I want to make memories, I don’t want to be reliant on anyone, I don’t want to be looking after everyone.

I know I can be a healer whilst remaining autonomous and not feeling like I HAVE to be there for that particular person.

This week I am hoping to go on an adventure, but I’m not going to say where and when until it happens. As I’ve learnt that if I announce what I’m going to do, it feels like so much pressure and I find it hard to then commit too. But I will keep you all posted.

Peace out

Zak

Podcast revelations

Listening to The Happy Place with Fearne cotton and Catherine Gray, talking about alcohol addiction and the effects of alcohol and it’s definitely food for thought.

I started drinking more last year when I was in a relationship then I did when I wasn’t with someone. We ended up getting into a bit of a rut and drank most weekends and sometimes in the week, when we hung out.

To clarify, I’ve never had an addiction to alcohol, I’ve only actually ever been drunk a few times as I really don’t like being out of control, that’s probably cuz I’m a bit of a control freak and perfectionist. That’s a whole other issue to unpack lol.

Listening to Catherine talk about alcohol and anxiety, social anxiety and being a introvert, made real sense to me.

It was last year that my anxiety became a big issue for me again. As I talked about in my last blog that was mainly due to feeling trapped and having to keep things in, keep my relationship a secret etc.

I’m thinking now that my increased drinking also has played a big role with my anxiety issues. It would make perfect sense and fits perfectly time wise. Even now I’m not in a relationship I still have a few drinks most weekends, usually at home on my own.

I’ve decided to do an experiment and between now and Christmas I’m not going to drink a single drop of alcohol and see if that helps lessen my anxiety.

Obviously I need to replace it with better habits and I think I’m going to write a list of things I can try to do instead to ease my anxiety. Like drinking camomile tea, breathing exercises, meditation etc.

They also talked a bit about love addiction, which I think I have struggled with especially in my younger years, going from one shitty relationship to another because I felt so unloved and unworthy I needed someone to fix me.

I’ve realised now, only I can fix me and I am loved and I am worthy, but I can still have these incredibly high expectations and put the other person on a pedestal and need them to be my everything.

That’s far too much to ask of another human being, it’s too intense and only leads to feeling let down and disappointed. But I still recognise I can still be a bit love addicted and that’s ok, it’s something to be aware of and work through.

So with all these revelations that keep coming up from different places it can only be a good thing to help me learn and grow and be the best version of myself I can be.

Peace out

Zak

Vortex of negative thoughts

I really want to decorate and replace most of my furniture.

I don’t feel capable enough to do it myself. Although I know I’d love to do it myself, I love creating things.

I really want to create a cozy, safe spot space.

I know how to re-decorate and I have a vision of how I want it to look, but I’m scared I’d mess it all up. Which is so stupid.

My fear of messing up stops me doing so much. It physically holds me in place, so I can’t move. I then just get stuck in a vortex of negative thoughts and it just perpetuates the fear and anxiety.

I’m so trapped inside myself, I can’t find my way out of my head. It’s so frustrating, I could be so much better then I am. But I’m scared to try, I hold myself back and hold everything in. Making myself invisible, so I’m not seen.

I suppose it’s because I feel so unworthy, sometimes I even feel unworthy of being alive, like I’d happily swap places with someone who would benefit the world, even if it meant I wasn’t here anymore. I dunno if other people have felt the same or just me.

I’ve tired so hard to change over the years, it’s so exhausting. I keep thinking maybe this is just me, I can’t change, I just have to deal with this darkness forever. M

I feel like everyone grew up and moved on without me, I just can’t figure out how to do that. I must be stupid if everyone else can figure stuff out but not me.

My soul is so tired, filled with more darkness then light. Maybe one day I’ll figure stuff out and start stepping into the light, but for now I’m just drowning in the darkness, trying to grasp the thin rays of light.

Peace out

Zak

The light at the end of the darkness

I feel happy again and I can say that now and actually mean it.

Just a few months ago I was in the darkness, struggling to get through a day. At times I felt so tired, I just didn’t want to keep going.

I recognised that it’s not that I wanted to die, I just needed the pain to end.

At that time if you had told me to just hold on because you’ll soon be surrounded by some amazing people and you’ll soon be having top surgery, I probably wouldn’t have believed you.

My world was so dark, I just couldn’t see that there would ever be light and happiness again in my life.

But sat here now late at night, I feel happy, I feel content, I feel understood, I feel connected, I feel loved, I feel like I’m wanted. And it’s the most amazing feeling ever because I don’t feel I’ve ever really experienced it, I’ve never been around a group of friends who encourage each other, genuinely care about each other, have different passions and talents, who build each other up, help each other without question.

Most of my past friendships have come with conditions and they were about what I could offer, non of those friendships have endured and non of them really helped me grow, but they opened my eyes to the fact my kind nature attracts damaged souls and can easily be taken advantage of.

But now it feels different and for that I am eternally grateful, I let myself be vulnerable and open, which was scary but it’s paid off.

I know these people won’t all be in my life permanently and I’m ok with that, I know we were brought together to help each to continue to grow through our each individual journeys, by coming together as a collective, who’s knows where this will take us in 6 months/ a years time.

Its already helped me and started to heal some of the hurt I was carrying inside, I feel happy, I want to live, I’m actually excited about life now, I want to start looking to the future and what that will bring.

The only changes I made was I let myself be open and vulnerable and fuck that was scary but it’s something I’m going to continue to do, so I can keep experiencing life and hopefully new friendships and opportunities will arise.

You know who you are and I’m so grateful 💜

And to everyone in my life, know I love you, I appreciate you and I support you 💜

Peace out

Zak

A day in a life of a trans guy

T shot day!

It really struck me today and it’s not just a sudden realisation, it’s something I’ve always known but don’t always acknowledge. I think it’s important to acknowledge the fact that I know I’m super lucky to have access to testosterone and free healthcare for my physical transition and for that I am extremely great.

I think it’s important to acknowledge privilege and be grateful. Because not everyone gets free healthcare, let alone healthcare for their transition.

Being trans for me has been a long road and the road ahead seems to be endless.

At a point the physical transition will end but I feel that the emotional transition will continue, I’m not sure it will ever end. We are always changing, I hope I can continue to change and grow into who I am.

I know I’ve not posted regularly about my transition recently but I think it’s because I’ve felt vulnerable, anxious, self conscious, depressed and I don’t just not good enough.

I’m trying my best to open myself back up, but I’ve been so shut off it’s hard to move towards that light again. But I’ll eventually get there I’m sure 😊

Peace out

Zak

Self care – Being brave and asking for help

Dinner date and movie with myself tonight.

Something I’ve not done in a while, been too caught up with the negative stuff in my head, I forgot to love and take care of myself. Trying my best to get back on track.

I also did something that was huge for me this week… I asked for help and close friends will know this, it’s something I do very rarely and avoid where possible.

But in August I’m finally getting top surgery done 🙂 and I’m going to need help during recovery from more then one person. As it’s a lot to ask from one person, so I was brave and created a group chat. I was so scared that I would be rejected and everyone would be too busy to help but to my surprise everyone was just amazing and everyone was so happy for me and more then happy to help.

It’s such a huge relief to know I have people around me that love and care for me. I always knew I had friends but I’d convinced myself I wasn’t good enough to have real friends and eventually if you tell yourself something long enough you believe it.

I need to work on my self esteem and self worth, this is definitely going to help 🙂 I’m not as lonely as I thought I was.

I’m going to try and trust more and open my heart more. I’m always standing in the way of myself, I need to move out of my way.

💜💜💜

Peace out

Zak

2018 – What a year!!!

Yet another year is nearly over and 2019 is just on the horizon.

Its been another year full of ups and downs and for the most part its been an absolutely incredible time.

March was probably the most eventful months of this year, I got snowed in on my birthday due to storm beast from the east, two weeks after my birthday my 3rd nephew came into the world, I changed my name to Zak and the end of March was when I started a relationship with someone I’d been getting to know for a few months.

That was the start of an incredible 7 months and despite how things have ended I wouldn’t change a single thing.

The summer weather definitely made up for the freezing cold, snowy March. Summer was crazy hot! For months! And England qualified for the semifinals for the first time in forever!

I applied for and got my first passport in this millennium! My last passport ran out 14 years ago! I now have valid ID… which I’ve not needed yet 😂

I took my partner and my dogs on my first holiday in 10 years. We went to Dawlish in Devon, it’s such a beautiful part of the country. It was so nice to get away and that’s probably where I knew I was in love with this lovely human being.

Then came the Eminem concert at Twickenham stadium with my best friend. It was such an incredible experience, once in a lifetime opportunity! Just amazing.

End of July I had my first consultation for top surgery! Which is great!! I’ve picked a surgeon, I just need to chase up about a second appointment.

Towards the end of the summer, my partner and I went to Rize Festival in Chelmsford, which was an amazing experience as I’d never been to a festival before. It was insane! But so much fun, we saw some amazing artists like Rita Ora, Manic street preachers, Rag n bone man, James bay, Bastille many others. But my favourite by far was seeing Plan B! He was on fire! I definitely want to go to another festival again!!

In September I did something that made me hugely anxious but I braved it and I’m glad I did. I went to London, to a spiritual channeling to meet my beautiful, wonderful friend Pamela in real life. We’ve known each other for 10 years + but we’d never actually met. But when we met all my anxiety left, it felt like we’d known each other forever, I so didn’t want to let her go. I’m so pleased I went, it was amazing and just what I needed.

Towards the end of September, things sort of unravelled but that’s life. Things ended with my partner, mainly because I know exactly what I want and they were unsure. No point either of us wasting each other’s time, but we’re still friends, we still talk, even though sometimes I find it hard, I’m grateful we still talk.

We had an incredible 6 months together, made amazing memories together and despite what happened those things will never change. We will always have those memories together.

Sometime in the summer I quit my volunteer work, I was no longer getting anything from it and felt like I wasn’t being treated fairly and felt like my mental health was used against me and I was just surrounded by toxic people which is never good for anyone.

But I now volunteer at pause cat cafe as a cat care person, which basically means I make sure all 12 cats are happy and healthy, fed on time, clean up behind them and obviously have lots of snuggles and play time. It’s good fun 🙂

As in previous posts I’ll be starting the new year without certain people who I’ve removed from my life, which is good but scary, as I feel like I don’t really have anyone.

Anyway here’s to another year, I don’t know what’s in store but we’ll see.

^ what a difference a year makes

Peace out

Zak

Self care – Toxicity purge continued….

My previous post was written whilst I was on the bus, I took myself on a date night. I needed to get out as I was just sat at home, stuff running through my head and I didn’t know what to do with myself.

I decided that it would be good to get out for a bit, I looked up what was on at the cinema and took myself to see Mary Poppins returns and had a burger for dinner.

That afternoon I had posted some keys back to a person who I was planning on cutting out of my life, that felt good but still didn’t feel enough.

On the way to the cinema, I wrote because it was all sat under the surface and it all came tumbling out into words and I felt so much better for it, like I said in the previous post, I needed to vomit it out and purge myself from all this shit I was holding in.

I don’t know why I stop doing the things I know that help me to feel better. Some of it I suppose is self sabotage and partly being disconnected and disassociated from myself. If I’m not connected to myself it makes it harder to know what I need.

After the film, I went onto every social media I am on and blocked 2 people from everything, I even blocked them so they can no longer text or call me. I did it without explanation, as I felt no need to explain my actions to people who are committed to misunderstanding me. It felt like such a huge relief and also a bit scary too, but definitely more of a relief then anything else.

I’ve wanted to cut these two people out for while now but because I am so lonely and isolated, I’ve just been holding on to these toxic people for longer then I should have, due to fear of being lonely… which in itself is ironic as I was lonely anyway, so this won’t make any difference.

It’s always scary cutting people out of your life but I’m hoping if I keep letting go of all the bad/toxic things in my life then I will start attracting more positive things into my life.

It can only get better now right?! I have to be strong and resit the urge to contact these people and explain myself and or apologise. Neither deserve and explanation or an apology and I don’t need to explain my actions to anyone. As long as my heart is right that’s all that matters.

For too long I’ve held onto friendships/relationships that are toxic for fear of being alone but I end up feeling and being alone anyway, so I’m not sure why I held on for so long. I refuse to do it anymore, I refuse to be used, I refuse to be put down, I refuse to be dragged into pointless drama, I refuse to be dragged down. I am worth so much more, I deserve to be treated so much better, I need to find my peace and feel content.

I’ve done a lot of purging this week, I went through everything in my flat and I have so much I want to sell. There’s so much shit I’ve collected over the past 11 years and now it all just feels too much and I want it all gone.

A lot of it holds bad memories, bad energies and just no longer serves me. There was a time I collected Lego, putting Lego together helped me to relax, unwind and be in the moment and at that time it had a purpose and worked for me, but I haven’t played with my Lego for about a year. It was just all sitting around and it just looked cluttered. That’s one example and it feels great to start getting rid of stuff and at least having a lot of it out of sight.

I’m changing as a person and its not always comfortable or easy, most of the time its really uncomfortable and fucking hard but at the same time it feels great and it feels right, which is how I know I’m on the right path.

I’m anxious to do a carboot sale to get rid of everything, I have a couple of people that may help, I feel a bit restless as I want it all out of my flat like right now, so I can feel that release. But I have to try and be patient.

Anyway I’m rambling on a bit now, as I am exhausted. I have been all day, not sure why.

That’s all for now,

Peace out

Zak

Self care – toxicity purge

I haven’t written in about 4 months and I feel it, it’s all inside. So here is a long over due blog post… enjoy 🙂

I feel like I need to vomit everything out.

I feel like I need to purge myself of everything.

I’m holding on to too much shit that no longer serves me.

I want to write more, read more, create more.

But everything inside is holding me back.

I want to burn everything that is the old me.

Getting rid of the toxicity in my life, that includes toxic people.

I’m done being an option for people when they need me for something.

I want real authentic people, I want to find my tribe.

I know my value, I know my worth and for far too long I’ve let people treat me like I am less than, when I know I am more then that.

I don’t want people dragging me back to how I used to be and they expect me to still be the same.

I’ve worked too hard to get where I am and to some they may not see a difference but people see the version of you that’s convenient for them.

I’m done with fake people, don’t fake being interested in me or my life, I can spot it from a mile off and I certainly know when I’m being used.

I’m letting go of things that no longer serve me, people, materialistic things, behaviours etc.

I’ve got to keep moving forward for myself, no one else.

I’m living my most authentic life and I can only keep moving forward by leaving the toxic shit behind.

I’m not who I was 10 years ago, even 5 years ago. I’m so much happier, more at peace with myself, yes I still struggle but I’m only human.

I’m far from perfect and I’ll always be a work in progress. I will always continue to grow and move forward. I will always do my best no matter what life throws at me.

Peace out

Zak