Surviving Lockdown – Preparation

As I wrote yesterday, I’m going to write up a series of posts about how I’ve planned on getting through another national lockdown. Now I’m classed as high risk due my physical health issues so the rules for me are a bit stricter, but I don’t really see many people anyway so that doesn’t really change much for me.

I knew we would be entering another lockdown at some point, so I started planning. The first thing I did was to buy a new notebook and start making lists, as for me I find lists so so helpful, it helps me organise myself and my thoughts and I also use it as a visual aid to remember things.

So far all my lists I’ve written have been super helpful! I’m glad I took the time to sit down and turn my high anxiety levels into something a bit more productive and helpful.

As I mentioned in my last post that I don’t generally keep the cupboards full of essentials as I tend to go shopping as and when, but obviously because I am high risk its been advised not to go food shopping if possible. I will still have to go in occasionally for things like milk, but I won’t need to go in for big shops which take longer then just picking up a few items.

I started by writing a list of categories,

General cleaning and house stuff,

Toiletries

Health stuff

Pet stuff

Non perishable food

And under each category I wrote down all the things that I would need to make sure I had enough off, to limit my shopping trips during lockdown. I spent the next few weeks and months slowly going shopping buying more then I normally would so I was stocked up on everything I will need.

I also wrote a list of, How am I going to stock up? Where I wrote about how often I needed to go shopping, if I needed order things online, what was the priority to get first, keeping a track of what I’ve got etc.

This helped my anxiety hugely as last time, because it was all unknown and everyone was stressed and it was just a super crazy time, I spent the first few months with sky high anxiety worrying about how I was going to survive on my own as I don’t have anyone to help me.

Having lists of even basic things like this, how to get myself prepared was a huge help and has definitely helped me to keep my anxiety in check.

This was the first of many lists, I shall share more in other blog posts.

Peace Out

Zak

A day in the life of a trans guy

Well I haven’t been writing for a long while, although the notes on my phone are crazy long lol. I just haven’t had the motivation or concentration to sit down and write, so I have lots to catch up on. That’s if I can make sense of some of the things I’ve noted down.

Yesterday marked 10 months since having had top surgery, it has gone crazy fast. I can barely keep up with myself. My scars are looking great and I’m just so happy with the results, areas of my chest still feel a bit numb but its slowly regaining sensation. I still have the occasional nipple twinge where I’m assuming the nerve endings are still growing, that is a super weird feeling.

I still feel quite self conscious when I’m out and about, I still feel like I need a hoody so I can hide my chest. I still feel like people are staring at me, that I don’t ‘pass’ well enough etc and I know that’s just my insecurities and gender dysphoria. I also think its down to the ridiculously high standard that is set for trans men to look a certain way and I certainly do not meet the criteria. The expectation is that all trans men are super buff, work out, have muscles and are super handsome. I am non of those things, I’m short with a chubby body and I don’t work out or have muscles. I am currently in the process of loosing a bit of weight to help with my self esteem, body image and my general physical wellbeing, but I will never be a gym bunny.

I will never look like a lot of trans activists out there, who all work hard and look amazing. But there’s not a lot of representation out there for different body types within the trans masc community and I am no where near brave enough to show my chubby body in all its chubby glory on social media, as I am not strong enough to handle any negative criticism, even though I know it may help others feel seen, right now its not something I can do. But hey maybe one day.

I also think the expectation that once you have surgery that the dysphoria will disappear, I think I was under the illusion that it wouldn’t be an issue anymore. I’ve spent so long not feeling comfortable in my skin, that its going to take a whole lot of self love to even being to love this body of mine. I am so grateful for my body, it keeps me alive but I still don’t love my body enough and I don’t even really know what that looks like, as I’ve spent so long neglecting my mind and body that true self love and acceptance is not something I’ve experienced before and not sure how it looks or how it feels. I feel like I’m only just starting to scratch the surface of this self love stuff, I’ve got so much I need to heal first but I’m still trying.

The 12 weekly testosterone shots are going well, I’m 2 years and 10 months on T now which again has gone crazy fast. Only feels like yesterday that I would have done anything to be on testosterone and now here I am nearly 3 years down the line. There where times where I thought I can’t wait, its taking too long, once I knew who I was finally, waiting for everything was absolute agony it was almost like a physical pain, it was unbearable. I am so glad I held on, things get better eventually.

I much prefer the 12 weekly shot to the 3 weekly as my hormones are more settled and I feel less chaotic, then on the 3 weekly shots. My next one is due on a couple of weeks and I’ve got to get my levels checked to see how my body is reacting to the longer lasting testosterone. My sex drive has only just settled down since my last injection lol, it sucks being single and stuck in lockdown by myself. The first few weeks after my shot I’m super hungry and just want to eat everything and I’m horny as hell too, which is so weird. Before testosterone I had very little sex drive, mainly due to being on the medications I’m on, but now its a different story lol! But unlike the crazy appetite which settles down, the high sex drive seems to last a good 9-10 weeks! But self pleasure is a good pain relief, which I can say is true as I’ve barely had to take any of my usual pain meds recently so its not just an old wives tale.

I recently joined a dating website, which feels so embarrassing to even say… that I just want the ground to swallow me up right now lol! Its called OkCupid, which is a LGBT friendly dating site and that was the main reason for joining that specific one. I decided to join as I’ve on dated one person in the last 7 years and that relationship was exactly long, it lasted all of 6 months and it was my first relationship out as a trans guy.

There’s a few downsides to the website, one being that I am shit and describing myself and bigging myself up or even making myself sound in the slightest bit interesting…so I’ve not had any likes yet lol and I’m too scared to message anyone first as I feel awkward as fuck and I’m so shit and inserting myself into other people’s orbit, as I feel like I’m being instantly annoying.. Shit if I could be invisible but still be seen that would be the best lol. So yeah I don’t think my profile is really anything special, it doesn’t really stand out from anyone else’s.

The second downside is that I keep being matched with lesbians… like WTF! Lesbians want to be with lesbians, they do not want to be with trans men, I mean that would make them bi/straight. So that’s pretty annoying, trying to sift through all these hot lesbians and I feel bad for swiping no, although I don’t think it tells you who rejects you which is good.

So yeah I’m trying to get myself out there but its so fucking hard when all I want to do is disappear because I don’t feel worthy enough to be taking up space on this earth. I’m desperate to be seen and heard but I also want to disappear which is such a confusing paradox. But a lot of it is I have no self worth, self love etc and like I said I wouldn’t even know what that feels like, looks like. I’m so used to feeling like this for most of my life, its hard to imagine ever feeling any different. Maybe one day. I’ve got a lot of trauma to work through.

I know I am a bit late but HAPPY PRIDE MONTH! Always live your truth, no matter how hard your light will eventually shine and you can be a beacon of hope for others out there.

Peace out

Zak

Surviving self isolation

I’ve spent the last few days thinking about stuff, I think being forced into self/social isolation has a tendency to do that. Whilst I am used to social isolation, its something that is really bad for my mental health. So I’ve had to really think about how I am going to get through this, without spiralling into the darkness.

The first thing I decided was to start back on trazadone, I decided to stop taking it as I felt like I no longer needed it. Although having stopped it, I realised they were helping more then I thought they were. They helped me focus, stop disassociating as much as I am right now, took the edge off anxiety and depression, all which have come back but I’ve been able to keep on top of them a bit. Now we are in this self isolation and not being able to do everything I enjoy I know my mood, anxiety and disassociation will get worse, so I know I need to get on top of this. Not something I really wanted to do but I need to do.

I need to write down a list of things I need and see if I can try and get hold of them, I don’t need much just a few bits to get by. But as I’m vulnerable to this condition I need to try and be as prepared as possible.

I also need to write a list of things I can do inside, things I can do to keep the fur babies occupied as well. I can still take them for walks but with my chronic pain and fatigue I can’t always be outside with them.

I need to write out a rough routine that I can try and follow, I do better with a routine. Although I know I easily get bored of routine, so it won’t be something I will follow strictly just guidelines really so I don’t feel like I’m just floating around.

My asthma clinic appointment was cancelled as my doctors aren’t doing face to face appointments unless they are an emergencies, which I understand. I can still get my testosterone injection as that is something I need, so that is booked in for 14th April. I did ask if I can get paracetamol on prescription just for now, as I cannot find it anywhere and I don’t want to search the shops. I was told to ring back, but wasn’t able to get through, so I will try again tomorrow.

I plan on writing more, whether that is a blog or just scribbling down in my notebooks. I’ve felt so disconnected from myself I’ve struggled to write anything that I felt connected with.

Once I have some stuff written down about how to get through this self isolation, I will share it on here and hopefully as a community we can come together and help each other get through this.

Peace out

Zak

Birthday Boy!

As I said in my blog the other day, I’ve been struggling to sit down and concentrate and a lot of that is because I’ve had a case of ‘I can’t be bothered’ been feeling a bit low, stressed and tense. I’ve withdrawn myself from life a bit, withdrawn from people and from doing anything at all. It’s been a huge struggle to get up and do the most basic of things.

I’ve been a bit depressed and a bit lazy but I am going to try my best to get out and do stuff.

Anyway, last week 2nd March, was my 35th Birthday! Which is insane! 5 years until I’m 40! WTF LOL!

I had a really great week, on my actual birthday I had two friends over and we had pizza and cake! Which was awesome. Thursday my friend and I went to Brighton for the day which was so much fun, we went to the aquarium and wow I loved it there! I love Brighton so much. On the Saturday my two friends came down for the weekend, we ate loads, drank, watched movies and chilled.

It was a really great birthday week, I am so grateful for all the people I shared my birthday with. I was a bit worried about this birthday as its the first without the 2 big friendships I’ve had over the years, so I was worried that I wouldn’t have anyone to do anything with.

I thought I’d share some pictures of my birthday week

Safe to say I took a billion pictures at the aquarium lol!

I was in such a different place when I turned 30, I’d just come out as trans, I was surrounded by different people, good and bad friendships. I’m now 2 1/2 years on testosterone, nearly 7 months post op top surgery, I have a very different friend circle. Things are not perfect, I’m still figuring stuff out but I am slowly becoming the person I want to be and I will continue to change and grow.

That’s all for now, as I am struggling to feel connected to what I’m writing so it doesn’t feel quite right. So I’m going to stop.

Peace out

Zak

Binge eating – Getting back on track

So this subject is something I’ve been avoiding even really acknowledging as it is 100% on me and something I’ve always struggled with on and off. But its not seen as a mental health issue by mental health professionals, which is ridiculous.

I’ve written before about my struggles with binge eating without the purging before and its something that seems to be a reoccurring issues. Winter seems to be when it’s at its worst.

But I decided to write about it again now, as its something I need to recognise and sort out. I need to have more of an awareness of what I’m shoving in my mouth,

Just to jump back the reason its not recognised by mental health professionals is all about BMI, if you aren’t below your BMI, then you don’t have an eating disorder. Now I’m not saying I have a eating disorder but my eating habits aren’t “normal” if you like. I will eat even if I feel sick because I’m still full from eating. It is something I have brought up with the mental health team before and just got brushed aside and at the time there were other more important things going on. So its something I’ve always just dealt with, but the spectrum of eating disorders needs re looking at and re classifying as this area is so important and they are failing so many people.

Anyway, right now I’m feeling full, feeling bloated and generally cannot stand the fact I have let myself put on so much weight. I know I’ve put on over 14lbs, I haven’t weighed myself recently because I can feel in my body and just looking at myself that I am fatter then I would like to be.

It started back in December, when I think I was a bit low, struggling with anxiety and all I wanted to do was hibernate and eat and that’s exactly what I did. But now we aren’t that far away from March and I am still hibernating and the overeating has gotten out of control.

I am just eating for the sake of it, partly because I’m bored, partly out of habit now. I know I can control this behaviour, as I have done it many times before. I know I can loose weight if I need too, I know how to eat sensibly.

I think I’ve had an awareness over this binge eating since probably the start of the year. I knew it was getting out of hand and continued to let it happen.

But I think I’ve been having such huge emotional revelations during counselling, that my binge eating hasn’t been something I’ve actually spoken about as I know I can easily control it. But I’ve been quite emotionally overwhelmed that eating has just been a go to comfort, while I try and make sense of everything.

Now I’m starting to feel sick from being full and over eating, I know I need to get on top of it. I can’t carry on binge eating, I need to stop. It won’t be easy and will be a shock to my body but I need to find a balance again.

For the first few days I’m going to only eat breakfast and dinner and no snack in between and try and drink more and replace drinking water with eating. So every time I want to eat, I have a drink instead and make a more healthy habit. Also make portions smaller too, so I’m not putting so much in my body.

Also intermittent fasting has really helped me in the past as well. Helps get me in the right mind set about it. I never call it being on a diet, because diets never work.

I need to get out and walk a bit more too, in between storms and the rain. But I need to move more and get rid of this belly, cuz its making me feel so gross! It’s not helping with the gender dysphoria as well, just makes me feel shit that I’ve let myself go so much.

I shall post more in a few days and update everyone on how its going. Hopefully I can get in the right frame of mind and get my eating back to a more ordered way to get myself a bit healthier

Peace out

Zak

*Insert*Title*Here*

I don’t often write in between my weekly transition blogs, but I feel like I needed to write today, I got things I just need to get out and maybe it will help me make sense of everything.

It’s probably gonna come out a bit all over the place and scattered, but that’s how my brain is feeling at the moment. It probably won’t be strictly transition related but a bit of everything that happening in my life at the moment, so transition, physical health, mental health, family etc…

I can’t even remember the last time I just wrote a regular blog entry, must have been a while ago now.

I literally don’t know where to even start… Ok I’ll start with the good stuff going on, so I can get into the flow of things and unpick my brain as I go along.

My name change is all official now, which is really awesome and feels so good. I am now legally Mr Zak Dyllan Mills! Woohoo! I’ve already changed it at the bank and the doctors and I’ve written some letters too, they just need posting. It just feels really right and just the next part of my transition, I feel much more like me now. Which probably sounds weird as its just a name but for me a name is quite an important part of my identity and how the world views me and how I view myself. So yeah feeling pretty awesome about that.

Last Sunday my new little nephew Alex came into the world, weighing in at 9lbs 3! the lil fatty lol but he’s so damn cute. I already had cuddles on Tuesday with him, he was just so content just laying on my lap fast asleep, he’s so chill. Proud uncle to 3 nephews, which is insane! the eldest will be 9 this year, its just flown by so fast. I absolutely adore all of them.

Physical health hasn’t really been too great this year, I’ve had infection after infection. Over the new years I kept getting nose bleeds, I then had a sinus infection, then last month I had a ear infection and at the moment I’ve had a chest infection for about 3 weeks and I’ve had lots of really bad nose bleeds as well. So I’m not sure what’s really going on, but I went to Southampton hospital this week and he took some blood to see what was happening. As he didn’t want to up the cellcept and make me more immuo-suppressed just in case its just been back luck that I’ve been getting ill and not due to my Churg Strauss Syndrome playing up, but he can’t tell until he gets the results. I’m hoping I’ll hear about the results soon and I’mm also kind of hoping its just been a bad run of luck getting ill and nothing more serious then that. But when nose bleeds are involved I know its more likely to be my condition as nose bleeds were one of my first ever symptoms. I’ll just have to see what happens with all this… I am hoping its nothing serious, I’d rather not up any medication if I don’t have too.

My mental health has been a bit of a mixture recently, its been quite difficult to deal with and I know its made me a bit harder to be around as well. Its not really been the bipolar that I’ve been struggling to control, although fighting with the depression and bad thoughts some days seems like the easy part of it all. I’ve been really struggling with the gender dysphoria, it hits so hard and its overwhelming and intense beyond words. The slightest thing can kick it off and I feel like I have zero control over it, which in itself is kinda frustrating and a bit scary.

Its my chest that is causing all the distress, anxiety and stress. I want top surgery so bad. I’ve never liked my chest, its always made me feel uncomfortable and embarrassed. When the dysphoria hits, I feel so detached, I feel like a ghost, I just want to be as far away from myself and my body as I can get, so I just disassociate but then I find it hard to get back in my body again. It really effects my mood, it makes me feel so depressed and really agitated because I’m not comfortable in my skin, because it doesn’t feel like it belongs to me, its never really belonged to me. I know I have to do some work around acceptance of self etc, as I know surgery will not fix all the emotional stuff but it will ease it. But right now that seems like a big thing to work on by myself.

I’m already starting to stress about summer and the warmer weather, as I get hot easily so it wont be as easy to cover up while remaining comfortable. I’m already aware that its gonna cause me a huge deal of stress and anxiety and it may make me less likely to go out far, I’m already anticipating how I’m going to feel, be etc… So I don’t know how I’m going to handle that and get through it.

Not being able to bind my chest makes it all the worse, I think maybe if I could bind that would take a bit of anxiety and stress out of it, I’ve been still trying on the high impact sports bras as they were the most comfortable out of everything I tried but its still not comfortable enough, especially with my chest problems I experience anyway. Its just so fucking frustrating! and doesn’t seem to be getting any easier to deal with, but the longer I’m on T the worse its getting to deal with and most days I feel pretty agitated and anxious. Its not so bad if I’m just at home and not really going anywhere, but as soon as I’ve got to go out for any period of time, especially on my own then I feel so self conscious, agitated and anxious.

I feel like I’m stuck in a limbo, like life can’t move forward right now and I know I’ve stopped moving forward, I wouldn’t know where to go now anyway. I just feel stuck, waiting for life to start again but I can’t find the button. I know I shouldn’t be waiting for top surgery but that’s what it feels like, I feel like after that then my life can start going again, where too I don’t know. I know my life can be better then it is right now, but I don’t know where I’m going, what I want, what direction, what I should or shouldn’t be doing… I’m in a rut and I hate it. Desperately trying to find things that make me really happy and not much is making me as happy as before. I mean I’m not totally unhappy, but I know things can and should be better, I just lost the drive to find it, I feel lost.

Ok… so maybe I needed to write this a more then I really realised but feels good to get it all out, I can breathe now. Been feeling mostly ok today, as I’ve stayed close to home, I’ve only been out to take the dogs for a run. Have felt so so tired today, I’ve just been chilling and looking after myself. I also finished writing out my ESA forms, I just need to get my paperwork together and then Monday I can post it all off recorded delivery, so they can’t say they didn’t get it. But I’ll sort that out on Monday I think, gonna spend the rest of the weekend just relaxing and looking after myself.

That’s it for now, am getting hungry…bloody steroids lol! Gonna go cook myself some food, although I’d really love a take away but money is low.. so cooking it is lol!

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 3 on T

Today is week 3 of being on T and I’m due my next injection next Tuesday.

I am feeling pretty good right now, I feel a peacefulness inside that I haven’t felt before and it feels good. I feel more confident in myself too, like I feel just more myself then ever before and it feels good.

The only new physical changes I have noticed this week is that my chest feels and looks a bit flatter which is cool as I am unable to bind my chest. My chest looks a bit less noticeable, that makes the gender dysphoria a bit easier to deal with. I’ve got tons of spots coming up and I have a huge volcano of a spot on the back of my neck, its a bit sore and I’m trying hard not to pick them all.

Also been super hungry this week, like I just want to eat all the time. However today I haven’t felt as hungry, it does come and go. I have put on a pound or too, that’s partly my fault for eating all the naughty things I’ve been craving and not sticking to the slimming world plan. I need to get re-motivated and get back on eating properly

Anyway only a short one this week because I don’t feel like I have much to say as not much has been going on this week. Plus I really want to have a shower tonight, as I feel super greasy and achy.

 

Last note, always be your true self, be strong, be brave, you totally got this

Week 3 on T

Peace out

Batman

Update – I’ve not written in forever

I haven’t written my blog for about 4 months now, mainly because my old laptop SUCKS! So I since have gotten myself a nice new laptop, it’s a gaming laptop and its a good spec for what I want it for and a decent price too. I have it on tick so paying it off monthly.

Jeez so much has happened in the last few weeks let alone four months. I’m not going to cover it all right now, but I’ll write the basics of what’s been going on and then I’m going to start writing more regularly again.

I don’t even know where to start right now, ummm ok I’ll start with the gender identity stuff. 6 weeks ago I went to the Gender Identity Clinic in London to see the psychiatrist, he was super nice and we talked for about an hour. He gave me the 2nd yes I needed to start testosterone. I was flying high that day I can tell you, I was so happy that finally things are on the move and I’m getting to where I want to be. However I am still waiting on the letter for the GIC about starting T, which is pretty frustrating it’s like dangling a carrot in front of a donkey. But I’ve been ringing up every 2 weeks and tomorrow I’m going to ring up again and chase up the paper work so I don’t get forgotten. I know they have a 8 week backlog of paperwork, which is why I need to keep chasing until  I get my paperwork sorted. I’m starting to get impatient now, I just wanna get started on my new journey. I feel as though I am in some sort of limbo just waiting, not really anywhere.. just here not really anywhere. I do also have some levels of anxiety about starting T, I’m anxious that it will make my bipolar harder to control then it already it at the moment. I’m anxious about my chest, as I don’t/can’t bind my chest.. so yeah that’s my biggest anxiety really. Anyway that’s the basics of that aspect of my life, just waiting.

Physical health stuff is doing alright with my new med regime that I started earlier on in the year. The only thing I stopped is the steroid nose drops, as they gave me a migraine every day. I’m not having any side effects from the mycophenolate which makes a nice change and physically I’ve been feeling alright on it. I’ve not had any sinus infections yet, which again is such a relief as pretty much all of 2016 was one big snot fest of a sinus infection, that was my punishment for stopping methotrexate against the doctors wishes.

Mental health stuff…where do I start with this, its been a hell of a 3 months regarding my bipolar. As soon as it became sunny my mood went up but I didn’t think anything of it really until a week or so ago my mood crashed. Looking back on it I was having a hypo-manic episode, it’s not as bad as a manic episode its like a level down from a manic episode. I think I was more annoyed at myself for not seeing it sooner but it is what it is I suppose, I think it took me by surprise a bit.  But on the plus side I got loads of stuff done, made some awesome memories and that so it wasn’t all bad. The come down have been pretty fucking shit though, some days I’ve been so depressed I just wanna die, although I haven’t felt suicidal I just didn’t want to exist any more. Other days I’ve felt really agitated, angry and just really on edge but with loads of energy so I think that’s been a mixed mood state. One day the agitation was so bad that I cut myself… but I don’t really remember much of that day or what happened it was a bit of a blur. I’ve been dissociating a lot as well, so I don’t remember a lot of things that have happened, some days I can’t even remember if I’ve eaten or not. I have big gaps of time missing and trying to recall anything is really difficult and that’s super frustrating. I find the dissociation the most difficult to deal with above everything else. I feel so absent like my body is just floating along and I’m above it with strings like a puppeteer moving the shell of my body along through the days and nights that just merge into one. Even writing this is difficult as my mind keeps wandering off into space somewhere.

This past few days I’ve just taken some time to myself to look after myself and my needs, I’ve slept lots, upped my meds, ate sort of well and I’ve just binged watched tv and played with my fur babies. I think I’m starting to feel a lil more human but I don’t want to get too excited about feeling alright.

I forgot to mention that I started Slimming world 14 weeks ago and I’ve lost 1 stone 3 lbs. Super proud of myself, I never thought I’d be able to lose weight in a healthy way but I have and I especially never thought I’d be able to sustain the weight loss on all the medication I’m on. Highly recommend Slimming world to anyone who wants to lose weight in a healthy way.

So yeah that’s me really in short, there’s probably tons I’ve missed out but I think I’ve gotten the most important things down. Now I have a nice new laptop that takes seconds to start-up, I’m going to write far more regularly than I have been.

Peace out

Batman

Food Diary – I’m still trying

I keep seeing a advert on TV for Nana’s magic soup. It’s a tesco advert and I thought I’d give it a go. So yesterday I bought all the ingredients and came home and made it and again to my surprise it was really yum and fairly quick and easy to make as well. I had loads left over which, I’ve frozen so I can have in the week.

https://realfood.tesco.com/recipes/nanas-magic-soup.html

^ that’s the link for the recipe and how to cook it.

IMG_8076

^ Picture of the soup

I am trying really hard to try new food, it’s not very consistent and that’s mainly because of my mood. But yeah I am trying really hard to get on top of this food phobia thing.

Peace out

Batman

Food diary – Another update

Once again I’ve been a bit slack on a few things but I’ve been really struggling with disassociation and binge eating. I’ve been trying so hard to get on top of it all and I’ve been stressing out so much. Stressing out has been making everything worse and I’ve been eating so much until I feel so so sick and my thoughts and memories are so disorganised, disjointed and just strange and unreal.

The last few days I’ve been trying to get back on track with reading and meditating daily and I have felt a little more settled.

I was watching a TV show called This Morning and this lady was on and she was cooking Prawn and Chicken Jambalaya. I was sat thinking that it looked really nice, well apart from prawns as I don’t like them, so I decided that I was going to make it for dinner tonight.

I’ve been doing my food shopping as and when I need things, I was finding I was getting 2 weeks worth of shopping and not eating everything I bought and had a lot of wasted food. Even though shopping as and when takes up more time and energy, its a bit more cost effective as I’m not wasting food.

Today along with the chicken jambalaya, I also tried some green olives and I can safely say that I am not a fan! They were gross, even the dogs didn’t like them lol. But I am pleased I tried them.

So this evening I cooked the chicken jambalaya, it took me a little longer then the lady on TV said it should take lol but it turned out so well and I really really enjoyed it and I was mega surprised as well. Its not usually something I would eat, mainly because its a bit spicy but I am so pleased I just went for it and made it. I even have enough left for 2 more dinners, which is awesome.

This probably isn’t the most well written blogs I’ve ever done because I am struggling to organise my thoughts right now but I’ve tried my best. As usual I’m not going to say if I’ll try something new next week as I think that’s just a bit too much to ask from myself right now. My main goal is to keep on top of the binge eating because if I cannot do it alone I’m probably going to have to seek help because it cannot continue.

Peace out

Batman