Pushing through the dark

I woke up today just not wanting to participate in life at all, just wanted to hide. But I couldn’t relax, I couldn’t settle on doing any one thing and Scrappy kept looking at me with his big puppy dog eyes.

With much effort and a lot of complaining and swearing lol, I got myself up and ready. Every step to get ready felt so difficult and almost impossible to do, but I stuck with it and finally was showered and dressed.

I got ready to take the dogs out, I was undecided as to where I was going to take them. But as soon as we stepped outside it started raining, only a little shower at first, so I kept walking and then it rained heavily for about 5 minutes. We’d just gone to the green across the road, as they needed to go pee anyway. The rain stopped and the sun came out, it was pretty windy, so it was moving the clouds out the way.

As we were already soaked, I decided to go to Baiter for a walk, Foxy wasn’t overly happy with being soaked but we all soon dried off in the sunshine.

There weren’t many people down there, which was perfect. It was good to be outside, despite the struggle it took to force myself out, I’m always happy to be out.

I took some nice pictures, the dogs had a blast which makes me so happy, watching them playing and having so much fun.

I feel like I can breathe when I’m outside in nature, I feel free. I’m glad we got out in between the rain and storms, we’ve got more headed our way this weekend.

Here are all the pictures I took this afternoon

I’m feeling a bit more relaxed now, then I was this morning. It’s amazing what a bit of fresh air can do to help lift your mood a bit.

That’s all for now, I hope you enjoy this blog and my pictures.

Peace out

Zak

Earth is waking up

We are heading towards spring and I couldn’t be happier, I’ve really struggled this winter with the darkness and near constant rain that we’ve had this winter.

The nights are slowly starting to get lighter again a bit later each day, the weather seems to be settling down too, although we have a storm heading our way this weekend.

I feel like I’m very slowly emerging out of my cocoon, just like the flowers which are slowly starting to bloom.

Still having days where things feel so intense and I just can’t face the outside world but I’m still pushing myself to get out at least a few times a week. I can’t hibernate forever lol!

Tuesday was a beautiful day and after a few days of feeling groggy and struggling with my chronic pain and fatigue, I woke up on Tuesday feeling a bit more human and the sun was shining, so I decided to take the dogs out for a walk and I’m glad I did.

It was so beautiful, lots of snowdrops and other gorgeous flowers blooming away and it was fairly quiet as well, we didn’t see many people out, until we got closer to the beach.

It was so peaceful and relaxing, it was definitely needed. The dogs had fun running around and I got some great pictures of everything. I love looking at life through the lens, finding beauty in everything I see.

I hope you enjoy my pictures,

I love being outside with my dogs, I feel so at peace. It seems to be the only place where my mind is fairly quiet. I feel like I can breathe when I’m out in nature, I feel at home.

Peace out

Zak

Saturday Afternoon Walk

The sunshine has finally arrived! and Saturday afternoon it was beautiful. The sun was shining and it was a bit chilly but it was a perfect day for a dog walk.

I was feeling pretty indecisive and a bit agitated, I wanted to do something but wasn’t sure what.

I finally managed to make a decision and force myself to go out. I grabbed my bag and Scrappy and we went for a walk.

We were out for a few hours and I got some great pictures, Scrappy had himself a great time. He swam in the sea, ran through the mud, played with other dogs and kids, found a ball… like he always does lol! He looked like a swamp dog when we got home and had a shower.

I felt good for getting out, I always do. It’s just getting out that sometimes I really struggle with, but always love being out.

I love photography and only use my iPhone, here are some shots I took. I hope you like them.

Peace out

Zak

Winter sunshine

Friday afternoon I took the dogs out for a walk, as the sun was shining and I was feeling ok, despite having a cold. We all needed to get some fresh air, I was just going to go for a short walk but we ended up being out for about 2 hours.

I love being outside, it was so nice just walking with the sun on my face and the dogs had a blast playing with other dogs, a little girl was playing football with Scrappy which he loved, fox said hello to every human possible lol.

Walking is so great for my mental health and overall well-being, it’s always such a great pick me up and it’s free! Which is even better. I’ve started taking Scrappy for an evening walk, just me and him as we could both stand to loose a little bit of weight and it’s just good to get out a beat the January blues.

I love photography, I love taking pictures of my dogs and the sunshine, I’m by no means a professional but it makes me happy 🙂

Here are some of my pictures from our walk on Friday, I hope you enjoy them

Peace out

Zak

A day in the life of a trans guy – Being raised female

I am starting to realise that I have to come to terms with the fact that I will always have what people deem to be feminine traits.

Boys and girls from birth are raised differently and their parents have different dreams for each of them. For baby girls it’s usually that she’ll get married and have children, for baby boys it’s usually he’ll have a great career.

From very small even still now girls are being told they will never be as good as a boy, that they’re simply not built for it and they should know their place.

Luckily things seem to be changing very slowly and woman are now using their voices to say hey, this shit isn’t right! Which it isn’t, woman are equal to men, but men see that as an attack to their fragile masculinity.

Now I got off topic and onto a bit of a feminist rant. But as a trans guy I am proud to say I’m a feminist as I’ve lived in the world as a female and it’s fucking hard. But also now living as male, being perceived as male, I can say the white male privilege makes me feel a bit uncomfortable and I suppose a bit like an imposter. But I feel lucky to have lived both sides of the coin.

So back to my feminine traits, so yes I was raised as female, although I kinda remember fighting against what was expected of me as a girl. I hated dresses and pink, I didn’t really have many female friends, mainly boys. I was pretty much a tom boy. But I still had those feminine qualities, I loved playing with dolls, I was a very caring kid and still am. I love talking and expressing myself. And these are the traits I struggle with because I know they aren’t seen as masculine traits to have and maybe people will think I’m gay, or just figure out I’m a trans guy.

So I think when I’m out I’m super aware of how I present myself to the world and trying to dial down my more feminine traits, my softer caring side. Which I’ve been doing unconsciously lately. But in doing that I’m holding back an essential part of myself, my personality, the essence of who I am.

I’m here to live my life as my authentic self in spite of how others may perceive me. I’m trying to stop worrying about what others think about me. What really matters is that I have a good heart and I’m kind to others and that I just do my best in this life that I have and my success may look different to others but that’s totally cool because it’s my life and no one else’s.

Peace out

Zak

The light at the end of the darkness

I feel happy again and I can say that now and actually mean it.

Just a few months ago I was in the darkness, struggling to get through a day. At times I felt so tired, I just didn’t want to keep going.

I recognised that it’s not that I wanted to die, I just needed the pain to end.

At that time if you had told me to just hold on because you’ll soon be surrounded by some amazing people and you’ll soon be having top surgery, I probably wouldn’t have believed you.

My world was so dark, I just couldn’t see that there would ever be light and happiness again in my life.

But sat here now late at night, I feel happy, I feel content, I feel understood, I feel connected, I feel loved, I feel like I’m wanted. And it’s the most amazing feeling ever because I don’t feel I’ve ever really experienced it, I’ve never been around a group of friends who encourage each other, genuinely care about each other, have different passions and talents, who build each other up, help each other without question.

Most of my past friendships have come with conditions and they were about what I could offer, non of those friendships have endured and non of them really helped me grow, but they opened my eyes to the fact my kind nature attracts damaged souls and can easily be taken advantage of.

But now it feels different and for that I am eternally grateful, I let myself be vulnerable and open, which was scary but it’s paid off.

I know these people won’t all be in my life permanently and I’m ok with that, I know we were brought together to help each to continue to grow through our each individual journeys, by coming together as a collective, who’s knows where this will take us in 6 months/ a years time.

Its already helped me and started to heal some of the hurt I was carrying inside, I feel happy, I want to live, I’m actually excited about life now, I want to start looking to the future and what that will bring.

The only changes I made was I let myself be open and vulnerable and fuck that was scary but it’s something I’m going to continue to do, so I can keep experiencing life and hopefully new friendships and opportunities will arise.

You know who you are and I’m so grateful 💜

And to everyone in my life, know I love you, I appreciate you and I support you 💜

Peace out

Zak

Dear friends,

Dear friends, old and new. To those who I’ve known for 20 years and to those who I’ve known for 2 months. I wanted to write this to catch everyone up on where I am and where I’ve been.

In January, I was in a really dark place, which is somewhere I haven’t been for a long time and I feel like I’m only just coming out of the other side of it, but I still have a way to go.

As a result of this darkness I removed everyone from my Facebook for a good 3/4 months. I was angry, frustrated, isolated, depressed and struggling to survive.

But in that time I did a lot of soul searching, I know such a cliche, but I did.

I realised that over the years I’ve been quick to shut people out of my life, I’ve been quick to give up on friendships. I was trying to cut out “bad energies, drama” etc but in doing that I closed myself off to the good energies and good stuff.

I think I became so closed off because I’m so willing to help everyone, that sometimes I get burned. That’s not necessarily down to people themselves but due to my lack of boundaries and respect for myself. I thought if I made other people happy then I’d be happy but it doesn’t work like that.

Then about 5 years ago I started exploring my gender and came out as trans and I began my journey. Which again I was really open about but I was also wary of being people’s token trans friend and I was just anxious about not being accepted or whatever. So again I made my friend circle smaller.

In making my world smaller, I’ve missed out on living. I’ve missed out on friendships with some really great people. I gave in to the negative inner voices and the darkness, I allowed myself to become isolated and alone, the anger and frustration grew within.

January was my breaking point but in the weeks and months after I spent most of time alone, thinking, reflecting and meditating.

I started to allow myself to be open, slowly I began to add people back on FB, I began to reach out to friends. I started to ignore the negative inner voice and the darkness and walked towards the light.

It’s by no means perfect, I still struggle with anxiety and depression but I’m finding it a bit easier to deal with.

I often felt my expectations of people were too high, but I realised I rarely expressed my expectations in my friendships, I can’t have expectations if people don’t know what they are.

My voluntary work has helped me so much, it’s helped me with not being so isolated, I’ve made some incredible new friends who’s friendships I am so incredibly grateful for and hopefully in 20 years plus we’ll still be friends, still having adventures and experiencing this life together.

For those who I’ve not spoken to in a long time, who I’ve recently added back, I hope you’re well and forgive me for being so distant, I had to go off in order to grow into a better version of myself and I hope to hear from you soon, much love to you.

For everyone else, know that I appreciate you, I may not say it as often as I should or even show it but I do very much appreciate every friendship I have. You’ve kept me going even when I didn’t want too. I will continue to try and be open with you about everything, it’s something I’m still working one. But I’ll get there.

Thank you to everyone for your patience, love, support and sheer awesomeness!

I love and appreciate you all!

In 6 weeks time I will embark on the next stage of my journey, my physical transition, my spiritual journey.

I’m excited, I’m a bit scared, I’m nervous but I am so ready for it, I know it’s going to be a challenge but I’m ready to face it head on.

I know I will have my friends by my side helping me through and I’m so excited to have you guys with me! I can’t wait for this next adventure!

Peace out

Zak 💜

Sunday Funday

Had a good trip out today with a friend and my dog Scrappy, was nice to get out and explore. I got some good shots too 🙂

We went to Corfe Castle and Swanage

Here are some of the pictures I took, hope you enjoy them 🙂

Peace out

Zak

Hobby – Photography

I saw my Grandparents this weekend and they have a lovely garden with beautiful flowers, so I took the opportunity to take some pictures 🙂

All just with my iPhone 7 and a few using my macro and eye fish lens.

I love looking at life through a lens, capturing a single moment in time.

Here they are, I hope you like them

Peace out

Zak

Pink sunset

Photography is one of the things that make me really happy.

Last night I took my dogs for a little walk and we sat by the water watching the gorgeous pink sunset.

Here are the pictures I took, I’m by no means a professional photographer, it’s just a passion of mine.

I love sitting by the water with my dogs, it’s so peaceful and somehow everything just makes sense.

Peace out

Zak