2018 – What a year!!!

Yet another year is nearly over and 2019 is just on the horizon.

Its been another year full of ups and downs and for the most part its been an absolutely incredible time.

March was probably the most eventful months of this year, I got snowed in on my birthday due to storm beast from the east, two weeks after my birthday my 3rd nephew came into the world, I changed my name to Zak and the end of March was when I started a relationship with someone I’d been getting to know for a few months.

That was the start of an incredible 7 months and despite how things have ended I wouldn’t change a single thing.

The summer weather definitely made up for the freezing cold, snowy March. Summer was crazy hot! For months! And England qualified for the semifinals for the first time in forever!

I applied for and got my first passport in this millennium! My last passport ran out 14 years ago! I now have valid ID… which I’ve not needed yet 😂

I took my partner and my dogs on my first holiday in 10 years. We went to Dawlish in Devon, it’s such a beautiful part of the country. It was so nice to get away and that’s probably where I knew I was in love with this lovely human being.

Then came the Eminem concert at Twickenham stadium with my best friend. It was such an incredible experience, once in a lifetime opportunity! Just amazing.

End of July I had my first consultation for top surgery! Which is great!! I’ve picked a surgeon, I just need to chase up about a second appointment.

Towards the end of the summer, my partner and I went to Rize Festival in Chelmsford, which was an amazing experience as I’d never been to a festival before. It was insane! But so much fun, we saw some amazing artists like Rita Ora, Manic street preachers, Rag n bone man, James bay, Bastille many others. But my favourite by far was seeing Plan B! He was on fire! I definitely want to go to another festival again!!

In September I did something that made me hugely anxious but I braved it and I’m glad I did. I went to London, to a spiritual channeling to meet my beautiful, wonderful friend Pamela in real life. We’ve known each other for 10 years + but we’d never actually met. But when we met all my anxiety left, it felt like we’d known each other forever, I so didn’t want to let her go. I’m so pleased I went, it was amazing and just what I needed.

Towards the end of September, things sort of unravelled but that’s life. Things ended with my partner, mainly because I know exactly what I want and they were unsure. No point either of us wasting each other’s time, but we’re still friends, we still talk, even though sometimes I find it hard, I’m grateful we still talk.

We had an incredible 6 months together, made amazing memories together and despite what happened those things will never change. We will always have those memories together.

Sometime in the summer I quit my volunteer work, I was no longer getting anything from it and felt like I wasn’t being treated fairly and felt like my mental health was used against me and I was just surrounded by toxic people which is never good for anyone.

But I now volunteer at pause cat cafe as a cat care person, which basically means I make sure all 12 cats are happy and healthy, fed on time, clean up behind them and obviously have lots of snuggles and play time. It’s good fun 🙂

As in previous posts I’ll be starting the new year without certain people who I’ve removed from my life, which is good but scary, as I feel like I don’t really have anyone.

Anyway here’s to another year, I don’t know what’s in store but we’ll see.

^ what a difference a year makes

Peace out

Zak

Transition update – Week 19 on T

This is my first post of 2018, I survived another year. 2017 wasn’t all bad I mean after all I started testosterone but it has definitely been another challenging year and I know there is more to come. That’s life I suppose but when you have challenges coming at you from all angles 24/7 it gets difficult to deal with. I have totally got this and I am going to put things in place to look after myself.

Nearly 5 months on testosterone! woohoo. Next week I go my 6th injection and my fasting bloods are finally all sorted for this month. So I’ll know how often I need to inject, whether that be every 3 weeks or every 6 weeks, it depends on how high or low my testosterone levels are.

My chest is starting to cause me huge dysphoria, its got worse now I’m on testosterone because I’m starting to look a bit more male then before. I can’t bind my chest either which is stressful and I’m not confident enough to not wear a bra.. something I cannot WAIT to stop wearing. Its super frustrating and I’m already dreading the summer because I’m going to look even more male and wearing vest tops because its hot…my bra will be visible and yeah urgh! can’t it just be spring all summer, cool enough for a t-shirt and shorts but nice and sunny. I’m not sure how I’m going to deal with it… But I suppose I’ll deal with it as it comes…

I feel a huge disconnect but that’s not a bad thing I suppose, it means I’m not really anxious or depressed. I’m not connected with my inner self, it kind of makes things easier to deal with but I don’t really feel anything, just empty, flat, nothing. I suppose its a mechanism to protect myself from myself.

Starting my 2018 back at the community mental health team…urgh! I have an appointment tomorrow morning, flipping 10 am! why so early! My alarm is set for 7 am, I hate rushing around in the morning, plus I have to take the dogs out before I can go anywhere. I’m gonna write some notes to take with me, so I don’t forget anything and I still have print outs of some blogs so I may take them too.

Last week I bought a book called The Self Care Project written by the lady who founded Blurt Foundation and I read it within 5 hours and I had an amazing conversation with Jayne Hardy. Blurt Foundation shared the PDF files for the worksheets that are in the book and yesterday I printed them out and today I bought a new folder and put all the print outs in it. I also ordered some school workbooks to use a my journal, I’m going to try and write every day just to get everything out of my head.

My main goal this year is to find out who I am, since starting testosterone I haven’t really checked in with who I am as a person, if my likes or dislikes have changed or stayed the same. I’m going to work through the self care project book, I aim to make a scrapbook, I aim to write in my journal daily.

So that’s me in 2018.. Hope you all have a great one.

Week 19 on T

^ This weeks picture

^ This is my self care project and journal

 

^ This weeks video

Peace out

Dyllan