Recently I’ve been really focusing on things that make me feel good, make me feel happy, safe and comforted, especially as here in the UK we’re back in a National lockdown and I’m here on my own dealing with it on my own.
It’s not just lockdown that has made me feel like I need to feel safe and comforted but doing inner work and realising that I didn’t really get what I needed as a child, my parents were emotionally distant and often my emotional needs weren’t met. Food and meal times were often a stressful event as often I was force to eat things I didn’t like and forced to eat even if I wasn’t hungry and that has caused me so many issues over the years and also despite voicing the fact I didn’t feel like I was a girl, I was basically ignored and that led to feeling so much shame, I felt like something was wrong with me and I despised myself, which led to an unstable sense of self, low self esteem, no self worth and it’s been a really long hard road to get where I am now.
So now I am trying to reparent myself and look after my inner boy because he was totally ignored and was made to be hidden and forced to live life as someone he wasn’t. He’s very emotional, sad, angry, still holds some shame and he just wants/needs to few heard and to feel safe and that’s exactly what I’ve been doing and I’m feeling good. The inner boy or little dude as I call him is feeling better but there is still some work to do
Now some of the things little dude craves may seem childish but you know what he is a child! He’s not aware that as a whole person we’ve grown up, he’s still 15, sometimes there’s a much younger part a younger boy.
I remember a time when I was 12 nearly 13 and starting secondary school and mum shamed me into getting rid of a lot of the toys that I really still loved playing with because I was too old and no one else would be playing with toys and everyone would think I was a baby etc. I think it was because she thought I’d struggle to make friends but I did anyway..
Because I wasn’t getting my emotional needs met from my parents I was very connected to my toys and things because they made me feel safe and comforted. But they were taken away from me and I was forced to grow up when I wasn’t ready. I definitely think my emotional maturity was way behind my peers.
Now the things I find comfort, safety and that makes me feel happy are probably viewed as childish things to those who aren’t aware of my process and what I’m doing trying to heal myself but I don’t care, I feel no shame because these things are helping me heal such deep deep wounds and I love my inner child, he’s so much fun and he and I are loving everything I’m doing to feel safe and comforted.
At the moment I’m totally obsessed with squishmallows 😍 which are super soft and squishy plush toys. Also can’t get enough of kinetic sand, there’s something about it that I just can’t explain it’s just so nice to play with. I’ve also got a whole bunch of fidget toys and a chewigem necklace that I love chewing on often when I’m writing or concentrating on something.
All of these things are sensory things which living alone I don’t have much sensory input from another human, no one to hug or cuddle with and that lack of human connection is really hard so I think I’m trying to find that similar feelings from different things. But sensory things also help keep me calm, calms my anxiety down and helps me focus on whatever I’m doing.
I think often we get so wrapped up in what we should and shouldn’t be doing because of how old we are, which to me makes zero sense. But because I was trying to fit in and be the grown up or the perception of what a grown up is that I pushed little dude away and made him hide away again because I thought that all my stuff was childish and I had to grown up now and what a load of bullshit that is! I mean yes I’m 35 nearly 36 and I manage my own place, bills, pets etc but why should that mean I can’t love plush toys or cartoons, why do we have to stop liking those things and having those things just because we’re older? I don’t understand it.
I am no longer influenced by other people, I don’t care if people think it’s silly or I’m too old etc because I know I am healing myself and that’s all that matters. I will continue to buy myself whatever little dude craves to feel safe and loved and do things to keep him calm and relaxed because when he’s calm, I’m calm.
Connect with the inner parts of yourself, listen to them and what they have to say, you’ll be surprised when you start listening and helping them how much better you will feel.
In strange times like these where things are so uncertain, we all need to feel safe and that will look different for everyone. For me it’s being curled up either in bed or on my sofa with blankets, snacks, my squishy’s and fidget toys, hot water bottle, tv and my fur babies, when I’m here I feel so safe and comfortable, it’s definitely making each day easier to get through.
That’s all for now