Great Saturday x

 Met up with my mom today, and surprisingly it was a really nice day! and now I am so tired, even though I had a nap when I got home lol.

Mom took me to have pizza for lunch, then we went for a walk in the gardens and down to the beach.  Bumped into my brother which was cool. We sat on the beach for a while, I went into the sea, only my feet though was FREEZING! I built some sand castles and dug a hole, I was trying to reach Australia but didn’t quite make it 😀 Was really nice just chilling out on the beach. The sun kept going in and I was getting a bit bored, so we had a little look around a few shops and I found a dino all in one adult sleep suit! IT’S SOOOO COOL! but I didn’t have enough pennies, but when I get paid on Tues I am SOOOO getting me 1 >.< hehe

Had a nap when I got home, I was soooo tired! been watching C.S.I all night, it’s now just gone 10pm and I’m all snuggled up on the sofa, but I’m going to bed soon. Had jam on toast for dinner as I was still full from lunch. 

Over all still feeling really good. Got S coming over tomorrow to hang out 🙂

 my mom and bro

Peace out

Tank girl x

Feeling great!

Feeling good 🙂 

Doxycycline is working and I’m starting to feel loads better already. 

Off to meet my mom for lunch tomorrow…. That should be exciting! 

The boi I have been talking to has been a bit distant with me…. I’m sure he has his reasons. Just a little frustrating. 

Cat’s and rat are all doing great! I love my little family, we may not be a perfect lil family but they are mine 🙂

For the 1st time in a long time I am excited about what the future has in store for me! I’m changing so much now and it’s great, I want to be the best person I know I can be! I want to make my dad proud!

What we are made of never changes, but who we are is always changing ~ to quote Gil Grissom ~ C.S.I 

Peace out

Tank girl x

Am I crazy?!

On doxycycline again for my viral infection! I hope it goes soon. 

Saw M.R, I was referred to her from my counsellor and she is going to do some life coaching stuff with me. I can’t remember everything she told me about what we are going to do, but I will get her to either write it down or whatever to I can write more here and give the info to my p-doc. We did however do a mind map of what are the main issues in my life at the moment! So more about that when my brain is being more useful lol!

Ok so I have been talking to another PLM user about this but I thought I would bring it up as it’s something I think about a lot, and was just wondering if it was weird or whatever… and just wanted peoples opinion on whether its a bipolar thing or what!

So here’s the thing… Sometimes in like a facebook status I refer to myself as tank girl, like in the 3rd person. For example I would maybe put “Time for bed for this tired tank girl” stuff like that. Sometimes the thoughts of tank girl and batman just take over my mind, and sometimes I think I am tank girl and batman, which one depending on how I feel. The thoughts just take over my head loads, and tank girl and batman is all I can think about… Is this weird? 

Sometimes I also really believe that I am more intelligent then everyone! Like dumb people really fuck me off!

Peace out

Tank girl x

PLANS! :)

Had DBT skills group this morning, I had to DRAG myself out of bed and to the bus lol, but as the session got started I got more energised as I was able to bounce off everyone. The new girls were more chatty this week, which was great! At the end of group I was chatting with DR whitty, he’s a p-doc and he is also help to run the DBT skills group, any way we were chatting and he said I did well to sit for 4minutes to do the mindfulness this morning, and I asked if that will help with my concentration, he said yes, which is cool! He also said I may have a touch of A.D.H.D which threw me a bit as over here I thought it was only seen as a childhood illness… But hey things change all the time! So I am going to ask my p-doc about that at my next app, and maybe do some research into it. He said it’s because I fidget and move about loads, and I only concentrate for shot bursts at a time. Would explain a lot I suppose. Would like to hear others opinions…. 🙂

Other then that I haven’t done much today, just been looking after myself really. I came home, and chilled out watching family guy, I had a shower to freshen up, and I made myself dinner. I was going to go out again, but I was just too tired to be bothered really. I did however sat and wrote out my new “plan of action” to take to my next p-doc app, as on my care plans there my goals are old! and have changed somewhat. 

This is my list.

Dyllan’s plan of action 

Get level 2 English –  Done

Get level 2 Maths – Still in progress exam 19th July

Continue with DBT skills group

Start and complete DBT

Look into doing a youth work degree at the open university – to start after DBT is finished

Look into and start voluntary work

Continue counselling with stepforward and work with M.R at the youth hostle (will know more about what I’m doing tomorrow when I see M.R)

Maybe start grievance counselling – Depending on how DBT goes and what they suggest/can offer me

Maybe start meds again to help stable out my moods.

Continue pulling bits together to start writing my own book

To move house

Good plan?! I expect it will change a tad.

So S moved into her new room today. I helped load up my mates car, I didn’t go as her gf is helping her the other end, plus I didn’t want to be home to late as I’m tired. Going to miss having someone else around keeping me company, it’s been real nice having her here.

Mentally doing ok today, got a bit manic and excited at group, I think that’s only because I had people to bounce off. Despite feeling ill I’m still feeling quite good! 

Physically just ill, probably a viral infection and I’m sure I will need anti-biotic’s to get rid! so may need a trip to the docs this week.

Peace out

Tank girl x

Ill but still getting on!

Slept really well last night, was soundo! Think I have a viral infection again. Feel so exhausted and ill. Keep coughing up stuff, throat is sore, joints hurt. Just want to sleep!

Despite feeling ill, I have done some washing, and cleaned up a bit. Just been keeping on top of everything at the moment as there are 2 of us here.

Managed to get someone to help my mate go get the rest of her stuff, and that person is also going to help my mate  S move on Tuesday. She’s staying at her gf’s tonight, so I get the bed all to myself. It’s been really nice having company about.

Moods have been ok today, too tired to be bothered with anything really lol, just been sleeping on and off.

Not really sure what to say tonight…. just fed up of feeling poorly. Missing my dad millions. Love my kitties loads.

 a pic S took of me this morning while I was sparko!

 Jack chilling out 🙂

 Oscar and Marley x

Peace out

Tank girl x

Still a bit scatty…

Been fairly busy recently. A friend of mine had to leave the place she was leaving, I won’t go into the reasons why as it’s not my place. So anyways she has been staying with me since Wednesday and bless her already found herself a new place to live, and she moves in on Tuesday. I’ve had her and her gf staying over as well. It’s been really lovely have them here, nice having the company. 

I passed my level 2 English exam! I am soooo happy! I knew I would pass though, but still a brill confidence boost! 

Moods have been less erratic, but still not as calm as I would like them to be. But hey not much I can do about it. 

Physically I’m ok-ish, still a bit snotty and achy but it’s ok. Just wish it wouldn’t drain me so much

Umm not really sure what else to talk about, just feeling a bit jaded. 

Peace out

Tank girl x

Goodbyes and changes x

Dee’s funeral went as well as funerals can go. So many people turned up to the church and I know so many more couldn’t make it. The service was beautiful, as Dee had planned it along with her minister. Her husband read out a few bits that Dee had actually written herself about her life, and was lovely to hear, but so difficult at the same time. She was such a flipping fighter! She fought to the bitter end, but in the end she was totally ready to go and be with God. She showed me such love and compassion. Her smile could brighten up the darkest of rooms, your darkest of moods. She was a living angel. But not she is at peace, no more pain and suffering. Just lots of dancing with the angels and sitting with God. Was great to see people I hadn’t seen since I stopped going to church a while ago. Was good to catch up. I also spoke to new people as well that knew Dee. I introduced myself as one of Dee’s skallywag’s as she used to call us “kids” from the youth group. I’m not sad about her passing. I think I did a lot of my grieving for her last year. I’m just glad she’s at peace! and in heaven.

After the funeral I just came home and went to bed. I had such a migraine! I fell asleep about 5pm and woke up about 8pm, had some toast for dinner as I was still feeling a bit icky. Watched T.V for a bit, then fell back to sleep at 10pm and had a fab 12 hours sleep!

Went and had my hair bleached and coloured this morning. I have taken a picture, but you can’t really see as the purple is dark, but looks fab and should wash out to a lighter purple. 

Stayed out most of the day as I was feeling so tired and a bit poorly, I think I maybe coming down with a cold *sigh* So I hung out at the advice centre for a bit, and looked about in town.

I met up with the lady that took Simba, just to get my cat carry box from her. We chatted about how lil man is getting on, and she said he’s doing really well! and he’s not peed on the floor ONCE! So proud of him! She showed me a picture of Simba snuggled up with her bf, was sooooo cute! They are going to get him chipped soon so they can let him out 🙂 He’s already been catching flies and moths in the house hehe lil man! Miss him so flipping much! But I know I have done the right thing. 

Despite everything I’m actually feeling ok! Weird I know….. maybe even a lil manic, but SOOOOOO tired.

 Dee and I at the race for life, that must of been ’07..

 Rich and I, He was another youth worker of mine, although his hair was never that mad! :s

 Me at the hair dressers waiting for my hair to bleach up

Peace out

Tank girl x

 

 

Sad day tomorrow

Had an ok day, went and had my hair cut and my eye brows waxed. It has been raining all day so my joints have been pretty painful. 

I hung out with my brother for a bit, and then come home around lunch time and had a sleep for a few hours, as my head and joints where hurting.

A lady came over this evening to meet Simba. I really liked her, she was really lovely and Simba took to her as well. She asked lots about him, and I asked lots about her. She lives out in the sticks, so Simba will have lots of places to run free! and pee where he likes lol. She will keep in contact with me as well, and send me pictures of lil man, which is really nice. She didn’t bring her cat box with her, but I let her borrow mine as I couldn’t bare to keep Simba for another 2 days for her to come and get him Friday, so I let her take him and she will drop my cat box back to me Friday. 

Seems so quiet no without Simba, that may sound weird but hey I am weird. Least I still have my other 2 babies! Oscar and Marley. Oscar seems to be healing well after his op. 

Dee’s funeral is tomorrow. 1:30pm. I am only going to the church service. *sigh* In the last 6months I have buried 2 people, that’s the same amount that I have buried in my life time! 😥 Life is so cruel!

Peace out

Tank girl x 

Melt down recovered

My melt down continued from yesterday about 6pm till I cried myself to sleep at nearly 1am. By that time of the night I had completely just lost control and I just sat and cried and cried and cried uncontrollably, I could barely breathe. Had to keep trying to calm myself down and regain control of my breathing. But it was so hard. Someone had asked me what is the source of my pain at the moment, and I said the death of my Dad, and that lead to her trying to help me, by saying that I need to accept my dads death, and know that he still loves me and is still with me even though he isn’t here in the flesh. But I’m not ready to accept that he is dead. I know he’s dead I’m not denying that, I mean I went to see his dead body laying in the coffin, it was him. I just don’t want to believe it’s true. Death is so final. I hate the fact that I will never ever see my dad ever again, that hurts like you wouldn’t fucking believe! I don’t want to accept the fact that he’s dead! I’m just not ready yet! It hurts so bad, there are no words to describe just how I feel.

Woke up this morning with such a headache, got up and showered, dressed, had breakfast and took something for my head. Sorted out my rucksack and put my DBT folder in it, and left the flat and headed to get the bus to group.

Group was ok, was nice to be around people and nice to be able to bounce off others as well. After group K and I got a bus, I needed to nip into the council to drop off my proof of address, and then we walked through the park back into town. K took me for lunch bless her, was really sweet of her. We ended up sitting there chatting for a few hours and that was nice too.

Booked in to have my hair bleached and dyed plum/purple just the bit I spike up on the top. So tomorrow I’m going to get my hair trimmed ready for Friday when I have it coloured. I may get some lines put in as well, only if the guy that usually does my hair is in.

Just been sat watching C.S.I on dvd and playing games on facebook, just to pass time away and to try and keep myself awake, as I am mega tired tonight. Trying not to let my head go over and over the melt down I had yesterday, just doing my best to use my mindfulness skills in order to just let these intrusive thoughts pass through my head rather then letting them take over.

It’s 9:35pm and I’ve only just realised that I haven’t eaten dinner yet. I am a little hungry and I can’t go to bed hungry otherwise I won’t sleep well.

Peace out

Tank girl x

Email to my psych!

Hi so Dyllan here.

Thought I would write you an email as clearly words aren’t getting me anywhere, maybe it’s me not saying it clear enough.

I am depressed. A good day is if I get out of bed, an even better day is if I make it onto the sofa, and even better day is if I manage to get a shower and get dressed… I’m sure you get where I am going here. Everyday I force myself to do the smallest of things, like get up, shower, eat e.t.c 
It is such and EFFORT to keep on top of my basic needs, like eating. In the last 6months I can go for a month at a time without eating a proper hot meal, only eating things like toast, soup, just so I have something in my body to keep me going. On the opposite I can go a few days eating loads of rubbish crappy foods. I have put on half a stone! not impressed as I lost 3stone last year, purely because I stopped eating, only ate the minimal amount, that I could get by on each day. I had to stop that though, as I was loosing too much weight and starting to really love how that made me feel! 
I force myself to leave the house even on the days where I don’t have DBT skills group and maths and English on a Thursday. If I didn’t I would just stay in, and I have done. Sometimes I can go a week without leaving the flat and/ speaking to anyone face to face! 
Self harm thought’s are in my head ALL the time! I have only acted once in the last few months, and that only showed me that cutting no longer gives me the feeling it used too… the act needs to be bigger, stronger… Suicide is on my mind so much as well. I just want to be with my DAD! the only member of my entire family I told EVERYTHING too! The only 1 who accepted me for me… no-one else understands.
The darkness within myself is immense! So dark, so deep! my dark passenger is driving me insane. When talking to people and they piss me off, I imagine hitting them over and over and over till they hit the floor but I don’t stop… It’s not happened, but I know there is so much anger raging inside of me, but I just lock it away, just like I do with my feelings! lock it away, and maybe it will stop. It does for a bit, but it always comes back bigger and stronger then before. I want to scream and shout, kick and scream! but it just doesn’t come, I cannot seem to loose control of myself… maybe a good thing. 
The flat only gets cleaned when I have no clothes to wear, or cutlery to use…. 
As long as I get a of food and the cats have food and water and are happy, nothing else matters… 
I am doing my fucking best to keep myself from sinking to the point of no return, but everytime I ask for help or say how I feel. I just get left feeling let down and invalidated! 
I don’t how else I can ask for help. I’m struggling, and I am trying so fucking hard, but I am failing at doing this all alone! 
I don’t hang out with Heidi anymore like we used too. Our friendship for a long time hadn’t been good, it became destructive. Since we have spoken, we are friends, but it can never go back to how we were before,  she is learning to fly and that’s great, I’m still flapping about on the ground. 
I have learnt that all the people that say they are my friend really isn’t cuz they haven’t been there for me. Most of the time I am ALONE apart from Tues and Thurs. I can’t seem to hold down a stable friendship, let alone a relationship. It can’t always be them so I must be an awful person! 
I am trying! I NEED and want help so bad, and I don’t know it what way, because I have no idea what is out there for me to access. I am willing I want the help! Just to be validated in my feelings would be a start! 

So yea… 
Dyllan