Hi so Dyllan here.
Thought I would write you an email as clearly words aren’t getting me anywhere, maybe it’s me not saying it clear enough.
I am depressed. A good day is if I get out of bed, an even better day is if I make it onto the sofa, and even better day is if I manage to get a shower and get dressed… I’m sure you get where I am going here. Everyday I force myself to do the smallest of things, like get up, shower, eat e.t.c
It is such and EFFORT to keep on top of my basic needs, like eating. In the last 6months I can go for a month at a time without eating a proper hot meal, only eating things like toast, soup, just so I have something in my body to keep me going. On the opposite I can go a few days eating loads of rubbish crappy foods. I have put on half a stone! not impressed as I lost 3stone last year, purely because I stopped eating, only ate the minimal amount, that I could get by on each day. I had to stop that though, as I was loosing too much weight and starting to really love how that made me feel!
I force myself to leave the house even on the days where I don’t have DBT skills group and maths and English on a Thursday. If I didn’t I would just stay in, and I have done. Sometimes I can go a week without leaving the flat and/ speaking to anyone face to face!
Self harm thought’s are in my head ALL the time! I have only acted once in the last few months, and that only showed me that cutting no longer gives me the feeling it used too… the act needs to be bigger, stronger… Suicide is on my mind so much as well. I just want to be with my DAD! the only member of my entire family I told EVERYTHING too! The only 1 who accepted me for me… no-one else understands.
The darkness within myself is immense! So dark, so deep! my dark passenger is driving me insane. When talking to people and they piss me off, I imagine hitting them over and over and over till they hit the floor but I don’t stop… It’s not happened, but I know there is so much anger raging inside of me, but I just lock it away, just like I do with my feelings! lock it away, and maybe it will stop. It does for a bit, but it always comes back bigger and stronger then before. I want to scream and shout, kick and scream! but it just doesn’t come, I cannot seem to loose control of myself… maybe a good thing.
The flat only gets cleaned when I have no clothes to wear, or cutlery to use….
As long as I get a of food and the cats have food and water and are happy, nothing else matters…
I am doing my fucking best to keep myself from sinking to the point of no return, but everytime I ask for help or say how I feel. I just get left feeling let down and invalidated!
I don’t how else I can ask for help. I’m struggling, and I am trying so fucking hard, but I am failing at doing this all alone!
I don’t hang out with Heidi anymore like we used too. Our friendship for a long time hadn’t been good, it became destructive. Since we have spoken, we are friends, but it can never go back to how we were before, she is learning to fly and that’s great, I’m still flapping about on the ground.
I have learnt that all the people that say they are my friend really isn’t cuz they haven’t been there for me. Most of the time I am ALONE apart from Tues and Thurs. I can’t seem to hold down a stable friendship, let alone a relationship. It can’t always be them so I must be an awful person!
I am trying! I NEED and want help so bad, and I don’t know it what way, because I have no idea what is out there for me to access. I am willing I want the help! Just to be validated in my feelings would be a start!