trauma

This lockdown has been kinda good for one thing its allowed old wounds and pains to surface and its made me face the reality of the route cause of this pain that’s been there forever.

I’ve had counselling and different therapies since I was 15 years old on and off over the years and I’ve always skirted around this issue, cuz its painful and embarrassing to admit and as I’ve gotten older its got harder.

I find it super hard to be vulnerable and honest with myself let alone anyone else. But today I was able to verbalise it, which was very uncomfortable.

My parents divorced when I was 15 and my memories from around that time are patchy. It was a pretty traumatic experience and the years running up to that weren’t that great either and again memories are patchy.

For some that may not be seen as a traumatic event but for me it was and my mental health wasn’t great before it happened as I started self harming when I was around 9/10 years old. I can’t explain why I started self harming as again memories are fractured, not in order or missing completely.

I was an extremely anxious and extremely shy as a little kid, I struggled to make friends, I always felt left out and I still feel the same now at the age of 35 years old.

I think as you get older you tend to romanticise what your childhood was like, with me I don’t remember much at all. But I remember what it made me feel, what I felt then is what I feel now. No matter how hard I try to heal, to move forward. I am always dragged back to how I felt at the age of 15 years old.

I still feel like a little kid standing in a room full of adults trying to be seen and heard, I feel like I don’t exist, I feel alone, intense loneliness, I feel so sad, I’m in so much pain, I feel lost, I feel scared, I feel numb, I feel unloved and unlovable, I feel unwanted.

I can’t keep bleeding over the same thing, hurting over the same thing. It’s just too hard, too painful.

I feel so left out, everyone has their circle of friends and I’m standing way on the sidelines, waiting to be seen and heard, waiting for the scraps, waiting to have my existence remembered. I can’t do it anymore.

I’ve not hit any expected adult mile stones, I’ve never been in a long term relationships, I’ve never lived with anyone, I’ve never been engaged, married, I don’t have kids, never had a long term employment (mainly due to my physical health) 1 long term friendship which I no longer have. I don’t have kids, don’t own my place and never have. Never travelled anywhere, never done anything.

I feel like I’ve missed out on so much because of this trauma that hides inside me and seems to have such a strong hold over me. I end up bleeding on everyone around me and no one wants to deal with that. But I don’t mean too, I try so hard but doesn’t seem to be working. But I’m just a traumatise kid inside.

I’m so exhausted, so tired of trying, tired of feeling this pain, tired of fighting to be seen and heard, tired of existing. I’m tired of looking after myself, tired of acting like I’m a grown up when really I maybe 35 but emotionally, socially etc I’m still just a 15 year old kid inside. It exhausting trying to pretend I’m ok when I’m not.

This is hard

Peace out

Zak

The darkness surrounds me

I wrote this last night, despite a nice day the darkness still takes a hold of me and I can’t shake it off

You ever just feel like you’re a total inconvenience to everyone?!

But it’s almost like they only stick around out of duty and pity they feel for you.

You ever feel so lost and alone, fractured and broken that nothing seems to make a difference anymore.

I feel like I’m being left behind, like I’m on the outside of life, peering in to catch a glimpse of things that could have been.

I feel like I’ve wasted so much time doing nothing and I still have no idea what to do.

Like why am I even here? I have no purpose, no point.. directionless child who is just floating around in the darkness all alone.

Faking being ok for my whole life, I can’t keep it up, it’s a heavy weight. But I feel I can’t be depressed all the time because well people don’t like that.

I’m just an old toy left upon the shelf, battered and bruised, broken and dusty. Left unloved, forgotten and alone.

I want to step into the light out of this darkness, I’m tired of going it alone

Peace out

Zak

Negative thought spiral

I pick one thing that makes me sad and upset and apply it to every single thing in my life.

I start off feeling a bit sad and I obsessively think about every single negative thing and end up feeling so depressed I just want to stop existing, wanting the pain to end.

I just can’t stop these negative spirals, especially when I’m alone.

It starts with the smallest negative thought and ends up in a mass of messy thoughts, that I can’t stop, I can’t make go away.

I make myself feel so alone, so sad.

I hate this.

Peace out

Zak

Random brain stuffs

Thought I’d share some stuff I’ve previously written but not posted. Here’s some random stuff from my weird brain

Written 28th March 1am (I remember crying towards the end which is why I didn’t finish it or post it.

Feeling a bit lost and overwhelmed right now and struggling to know how to keep moving forward.

I need to stop blocking people out and let the right people in.

I’m trying my best to put myself out there but it’s so hard.

I don’t feel like I belong to a community and I so need a community around me to help me grow, to help guide and mentor me. But I feel I’m too difficult to be around and I feel people are to busy with their own lives that I’d just be in the way.

I’ve never truly felt wanted by anyone and that’s so hard to deal with. It’s why I keep people away.

I think I’ve been disguising my depression and low self worth by keeping busy and keeping distracted but this evening I just let myself be and just sit. My brain is going a million miles just streaming all this stuff I want and need to get on with and just continue that purge. I’ve not really been sticking to one task at a time, it’s all been a bit disjointed and all over the place.

I don’t know if I’ll ever feel worthy of anything, I don’t know if I’ll ever have good friends, I don’t know if I’ll ever feel wanted.

I feel directionless and like I need help but I don’t know who I’d ask. I don’t feel worthy enough of someone’s time and help anyone.

I feel like a lot of my life I’ve just been let to just survive and figure stuff out by myself and in that respects nothings changed.

I’m heading towards some life changing events that I just feel so unprepared for and I feel like I’m going to have to figure it out myself and get through it on my own.

I miss my dad so much, there’s so he’s not here to teach me. He’s not here to just be there for me, I always felt unconditional love from him and he’s the only person I’ve ever felt safe to be truly vulnerable and honest about my mental health because he never judged me. I feel like I don’t have that anymore, I feel shut off from being like that because I’ve just had to survive and get through. But also I feel nobody really listens anymore, he may not of understood me completely but he tried his best and he always listened without judgement and without advice, he just sat, he listened and let me talk through it and then we’d have a laugh. I miss that so much and I need that again. But I don’t know where to find that.

I just feel so lost in my identity, there’s so much I wanna change with how I look, how I dress, my place. I want it all to reflect who I know I am inside, I need to shine. I just don’t know how too.

………………………………………………………..

Written 5 April just before midnight (again I was crying writing it)

Still a lost, scared, lonely little kid. Nothing feels like it’s changing.

I’ve always been lonely, there was a time I had lots of friends but only when I made an effort.

………………………………………………………..

Another one written on the 5th April

Pushed away everyone because I didn’t want to fit into a box.

I don’t want to be around the mental health community, I don’t feel I have it bad enough.

I don’t feel I fit into the trans community because I’m not trans enough.

I don’t feel I fit into the disabled community cuz I’m not sick enough.

I don’t fit anywhere, I’m not anyone.

Maybe it is me, I’m not perfect but I’m not a bad person.. but it must be me

………………………………………………………..

Another 5th April, it’s more of an unfinished poem

Sitting in a rickety old boat, out in the middle of the sea.

I’m screaming and screaming but no one can hear me.

I hate the silence, it’s so loud.

Do I keep rowing in the darkness hoping I’ll eventually find the land? Or do I just stop and see

………………………………………………………..

That’s all I’ve written lately, well I’ve had more running around my head but I’ve just not taken the time to write it down.

Peace out

Zak

Still here

Again I’ve not written for a few months for various reasons. One being that I’ve not really been present, I’ve been disconnected and just in my own little world lately.

The other reason is I often don’t feel like I have anything new to say or anything different to offer anyone. I’m not one for “content” and all that stuff. I’ve always blogged for me and part of me does want to be able to make a living from writing, whether that be blogging or whatever. But I always think I’m not good enough at anything, so I don’t try. If you don’t try you can’t fail right? But either way doesn’t make me feel good…

I have been writing a lot, but I’ve just not published anything. I have loads of blogs I’ve planned to do but just didn’t do it. Like 18 months on testosterone update, I just didn’t do it, which is sad for me because I enjoy writing and blogging.

It all goes back to zero self esteem and I’ve just been dealing with a lot too.

Back in January I was just so angry, so frustrated, so depressed that I just shut everybody out, I was just done. I’d had enough and to start with it was really hard being so lonely but I tried to make the best of it like I do with everything and some days we’re really good but ultimately I was still really lonely. I’ve realised I can’t push everyone away, so I’ve added a few people back on fb, reached out to others.

It’s still really hard and uncomfortable and I still feel so fed up with always reaching out and not getting much back, but any rejection is hard to deal with and I suppose it’s something I gotta work on and deal with.

I still feel very much like an outsider, I’m not one of these people who opens up easily to others, I don’t like to insert myself into people’s life, mainly because I don’t feel like I’m wanted… there’s that low self esteem again 😔 maybe I’ll always been an outsider, maybe one day I’ll find my tribe. I dunno.

I need to try learn to take compliments too, I’ve had a few recently and it makes me feel so uncomfortable, it makes me feel really cringy and weird and I always just think people say nice stuff cuz they have too, I always doubt it’s sincerity. It’s not something I’ve ever been good at, I tend to just deflect when I get a compliment. But I need to start saying thank you and maybe writing them down so I can reread it and see that I’m not as worthless as I think I am.

I will update more often and maybe upload stuff I’ve previously written, some of which is pretty dark and emotional but maybe if I get it out on here it will help me work through it.

Peace out

Zak

Mobile phones have killed the conversation

Am I the only one who when I am with people will put my phone in my pocket and leave it there, checking it very occasionally.

I had two friends down to stay with me and I felt so fucking awkward, lonely and left out.

They both spent 99% of the time on their phones, they were chatting with other people, playing stupid fucking games and just sitting there in silence… like wtf?! One of my friends even sent me a couple of stupid memes… like wtf I’m in the same fucking room as me! Show me! Don’t fucking text it!

I felt so fucking awkward, I’m not feeling my best as it is and I just didn’t have the energy to keep starting conversations… cuz they just died off anyway, I felt like I was interrupting and I was just in the way in my own fucking house!

We went out yesterday and on the way back not one of them said a word to me! They were just sat there on their phones talking to each other!

So today I didn’t even try, I just wanted them to go, I was so fucking done!

Yes they had bought me dinner but I don’t want or need things bought for me, I got my own fucking money. All I wanted was some quality time with friends… not too much to ask for? Right? But clearly it was.

I’m so fucking angry and upset! I deleted every single person off my FB! I’m fucking done with people! They wanna be friends fucking prove it!

I’m sick to death of trying to keep friendships going, I’m done! I don’t fucking care anymore! People are so selfish and self involved.

Yes we all got issues but fuck! Sitting on your phone whilst in the company of others is so fucking rude!

I’m so lonely, but I’d rather be on my own then be with people who make me feel alone.

One of them clearly didn’t like what I had to say about how they made me feel so I got blocked on social media’s! Fucking pathetic! Truth hurts!

I’m so tired of crying all the time, I’m just tired… I’m trying so hard to keep going and keeping my shit together but it’s exhausting. I’m tired of pretending to be ok, I have to be ok… no one else is here to help.

Peace out

Zak

What self care means to me and how it keeps me well

Ah self care day 🙂 It was very much needed and I feel better for it.

Part of being able to stay well (as I can) with my physical health and my mental health is down to making time to look after myself and my needs, as it is easy to forget to look after me because sometimes I don’t feel important, so it’s easier to make sure everyone else is ok.

Depending on how many groups and appointments I have on in one week I will have about 2-3 days a week, where I will rest and take care of my needs.

So what does a self care day consist of for me, well I start by having breakfast and if the housework needs doing I’ll do that. It may not sound very relaxing but if all my housework and laundry is done then it is one less thing to worry about. Also when I have cleaned up my head feels more in order and it generally makes me feel better.

I then have a shower and get dressed, in nice fresh clothes. I then have some lunch, which usually depends on what I fancy.

Depending on the weather and my physical health is dependant on what I do next. So if the weather is good and my pain levels are ok, I will take the pups out for a walk somewhere. If the weather is good but my pain levels are bad then I will just take the pups out for a wee and maybe just sit across the road with them and watch them play for a bit…You get the idea.

But if my pain is really bad it usually makes my mood low, so I just do things at home to make myself feel better. I take my pain meds every 4 hours, I take tramadol and paracetamol. I have my hot water bottle pretty much attached to me, to help ease the pain. I will take a nap as being in pain is so damn exhausting. I make sure I eat and drink things that I fancy. I watch tv, game, meditate, colour my colouring books and generally just relax.

That’s what I do on a specific day I set aside to relax and take care of my needs. But there are things that I do every day which is also making sure my needs are met and everything is ok. It’s hard work maintaining “normality” when you don’t know how you will feel mentally and physically from one day to the next and fighting with the brain fog to remember things is sometimes like wading through mud.

So every day things may seem ordinary to people who don’t have mental health or physical health issues, but they are more important then you know.

Every Monday I refill my pill box up for the week and if I need to re-order stuff I make sure that goes on my todo list. I do the housework every other day and do the laundry when the basket is full. Like I said earlier, a tidy house equals a tidy mind. It’s also good for your self esteem, don’t ask me why I just know it makes me feel pride about myself.

Also on a Monday I write a list of what I am doing and what day for that week, any appointments will be written on the calender. But I find if I write it out again on a weekly basis it helps me combat the brain fog and helps me to remember. On the list I also write when I get my benefits and what bills come out when e.g electric, rent, phone bill..etc. This a very important part of my life, it’s important I don’t miss any appointments. It is also very important that I know what money is going out and when and that I make sure I pay my rent on time and have plenty of electric. This list will sit on my laptop which is by the sofa on the side I sit, so I see it every morning to check what’s on for that day.

Having a shower or bath is part of most people’s daily routine but when you have physical and mental health issues such a small task becomes a massive chore. I myself don’t often struggle with the lack of motivation to shower because I simply can’t get dressed if I haven’t had a shower because I feel all gross…yes its weird lol. Anyway since getting my stool for my shower I find it much less taxing and I find it less of a chore, I am also now able to take a shower in the evening to ease any pain I am in because of the stool. But yeah having a shower and taking care of my personal hygiene also lifts my self esteem 🙂 and makes me feel confident.

Sleep, sleep is very important to my physical and mental health. Insomnia kicked off my last manic episode. I have to take 50mgs of Quetiapine a night in order to sleep a bit but I still struggle some nights. On the nights I struggle to sleep or feel I might, I make sure I have a full belly, I try and make sure I will be warm or cool enough, if I am in pain then I will take a warm relaxing shower with my lavender baby wash. I get all snuggled up in bed with the pups and listen to a guided meditation on an app called Stop, Breathe & Think and it always helps me get to sleep.

If I wake up early which sometimes I do, usually because I am in pain or its just insomnia. So I get up, pee, eat breakfast if I’m hungry, take pain meds and watch tv for a bit. I will then either go back to bed and sleep or I will just fall asleep on the sofa. If I am having a bad day with my physical health then I will have a nap during the day as well to keep me going.

Food is important to keep you going and to help keep your physical health well. I sometimes struggle with my lack of appetite but with all my physical health issues it’s not surprising. But I do try my best to have breakfast and dinner, sometimes I am hungry enough to have lunch as well. I try and eat a proper home cooked meal every day but also have the odd take away. I have a perching stool for my kitchen, so it makes cooking and washing up so much easier and I enjoy cooking again. I sometimes cook meals in the slow cooker, so it will make enough for me to freeze, so on a bad pain day when I don’t feel like cooking all I have to do is microwave something. If I don’t really have an appetite for a meal I will at least try and eat little an often, as I need to take my meds on a full stomach.

As I am unable to work due to my health issues, I spend a lot of time at home being ill with my physical health. Being alone too much effects my mental health and makes me feel very low. I attend two support groups once a week, which I really enjoy and some weeks they are the only people I see.

One group is called Breakfree, we meet on a Monday evening 7-9pm. It’s a therapy/support group for people who are transgender or who are questioning their gender. I have met some amazing friends in this group 🙂 some who I now class as my family.

The other group is called Mindout which is an affiliate of National Mind. It’s a drop in support group for people who are LGBTQ who have mental health issues. Again I have met some great friends in this group 🙂

These two groups keep me afloat and give me what I need to keep learning about myself, my transition and my continuing recovery. I can’t stress how important these groups are too me, they help me meet my emotional needs.

I also have 1:1 gender identity counselling once a fortnight, which is with the same guy that runs the Breakfree group. Which is so refreshing to speak to a counsellor who has first hand knowledge of what it’s like to live with a long term illness. I’ve also learnt a lot about myself and my past makes much more sense too. This like the groups is important to meeting my emotional needs.

In 2015 I built up a better support network of friends, who have been so great to me. I cannot wait to spend 2016 making some great memories with them all ❤ Spending time with my friends and making memories with them is so so important. Even if it’s just hanging out at mine, with pizza and movies and my wonderful friends, it’s better then being alone.

So yes this is how I look after myself, this is my self care. This is how I control my bipolar on a low dose of Quetiapine and make the most of my life. It’s incredibly hard work and yes there are days where I don’t even make it off the sofa, but ya know what?! That’s totally fine too, I like having a day where I do absolutely nothing, some days all I am able to do is eat and sleep and that’s ok because that’s what my body needs.

My life is by no means perfect, I still mess up, I forget to pay a bill now and again or forget to take my pain meds on time. I still have really low days, I still really struggle with life in general.

But living with life changing physical health issues and mental health issues makes me view life a little differently to most and it has certainly made me stronger then I ever thought I could be. Life has thrown me so many curve balls last years, I watched as my health went down hill and there was nothing I could do to stop it or make it better. But I came out fighting and I came out a better person for it. Some days I didn’t know if I could go on, or if I could take any more but some how I go through, there is a fire deep inside that keeps burning, that keeps pushing me to go forward. I think it’s my desire to live my life for as long as I can with the best quality of life because one day my illness will kill me and I do worry and get scared about my future, but it’s out of my hands. I want to make sure I make the most of my life because I don’t know when it will end, yes anyone can say that but with a unpredictable condition such as mine its all that more urgent.

All of these things that I have written about, help me make the most of my life and help me stay out of hospitals of both kinds.

To those who read this, who are in the same position as me, I hope this will be of some value to you and I do wish you well.

Please feel free to comment and if you have any requests on a subject you would like me to write about then just ask and I will try my best to write a decent blog for you 🙂

Peace out

Batman

I give up. Chronic illness sucks..

Don’t even know where to start tonight. Been sat crying tonight, it was either that or punch walls but I don’t want another broken finger.

I didn’t post yesterday because well I don’t think I had time. Only remember bits of what happened because right now I am tired and emotional and just beyond fed up.

Just looking through facebook for hints of what happened.. I know I didn’t get a late night on Sun. I did however spend most of Monday clucking because I had run out of tramadol again. Couldn’t get them till much later in the day.

I had little Leo Mon morning until lunch time. He was quite easy, we had cuddles, he had a little sleep. We took pups across the road and he was watching them. Sat on the sofa playing with his toys, fed him and he fell asleep again, until mummy picked him up. It was lovely to have him. Although I felt a bit crappy, it was a good distraction.

Think I had a nap…maybe I didn’t but most likely did. Just relaxed, played with pups and whatever. Had a early dinner, took pups out for a wee and got them settled in the hallway with their treats, toys and blankets. Got myself together and headed out to get my tramadol.

After picking up my tramadol I headed back into town to get the bus to breakfree my trans group. Group was really good, although my mania had kicked right in so I was on form. But it was good, shared my news and got some of my questions answered so that was really cool.

Did night time stuff…do up med box, took pups out etc. Was in bed by just before midnight but didn’t sleep until gone 1:30 am. I was too busy chatting to friends online but I did finally crash out.

So back to today…meh. I was up early about 8:30 am I think I had a sleep, but I can’t remember. I remember sorting out a shit load of things all at once. I ordered some dog food, I ordered my food shopping, I downloaded some music for my phone and I took a big step and I sorted out my new deed poll to change my title from Miss to Mr, so I am very excited about that and I cannot wait for it all to be sorted.

Fuck started to run out of time, so dashed to have a shower, took pups out for a quick wee and walk. Settled them in the hallway with all their bits. Got my stuff together and headed out.

Took just over an hour to get to my appointment. When I left my appointment I just wanted to cry. It was fucking shit. This is why….

1st the bloods that show how active the gpa is. Is negative. My inflammation levels are still high, but lower then they were.
Explained how ill I’ve been so far this winter. He just said well you are just prone to sinus and chest problems. So he may as well have said tough shit get on with it
Talked about my pain and my tramadol use. Didn’t say I’m physically addicted, I’m not stupid. He in December told me to take them moreregularly to keep on top of the pain. Today he said I need to limit my use of them. I’m yeah ok…. I’m still in pain even though I take then regularly
He’s slowly upping the metoject to max dose. After already telling him that the injection can wipe me out for days. So upping it will make the fatigue much more worse!
So no action answers and just the attitude of just get on with it oh and limit the pain meds, so I’ll be in agony and really ill. So tough shit! He just isn’t doing enough and seems not to even care about the pain I am in or my quality of life, which right now is very poor.

Took me two hours to get home. I got in just before 7 pm, I had left at 2:15 pm! I fucking hate that trip let at the best of times let alone to be fucking let so angry.

At least the pups were happy to see me. I sorted myself out and took the pups across the road for 20 mins. I feel bad when I have to leave them for so long.

Pretty much been sat on the laptop since just before 8 pm. It is now 10 pm and I shall be going to bed very soon.

I feel beaten down, not listened too, not cared about, just everything negative. I just totally give in.

Tomorrow the plan is to clean up in the morning and then spend the day with my friend who is off due to a really bad back bless her, so the pups and I are off over to hang out 🙂

Meh I can’t write anymore. Feeling so low.

Peace out

Batman

Groggy and frustrated

I am feeling so groggy right now amongst other feelings too… *sigh* Just frustrated.

Yesterday was pretty busy. It was good for the most part but also a little disappointing. But it is what it is, there wasn’t anything I could do about it.

I slept ok-ish Thurs night, but woke up really early again. I did have a little rest, it wasn’t really a proper sleep. I then spent most of the morning cleaning the entire flat, only up to Dyllan standard though lol. It wasn’t spotless but at least it was clean and tidy, I just don’t dust.

Had a refreshing shower, got myself dressed and took the pups across the road for a run. We were out for 20 mins, it was so nice out. My friend text me to say she was on her way over, so I took the pups home and got them settled in the hallway, as H and I were going to the new pub for lunch that’s right across the road from me. I met H outside mine.

We had a really nice lunch, the food was lovely. Definitely going there again. I had beer battered cod and nice chunky chips with a pint of Pepsi 🙂 lush. After lunch we had a look around a few shops in town and after we chilled out at mine watching tv. I needed a rest.

I had to head out to meet J from the bus, so H and I got ourselves ready to go, I took the pups with me and we both headed out. We said our goodbyes.

J’s bus was like 20 mins late…which sucked. But while I was waiting bloody scrappy got excited and pulled out my lip ring. But he pulled the whole thing out…I managed to find the ring, but not the ball. Damn dog. When J got here I explained what happened and got him to wait outside the shopping centre with with dogs while I ran in to get a new ball, but all they had was a different colour to the other one, so had to replace both. Went to pay and to my horror I had forgotten my wallet! I wasn’t expecting to go into a shop so I didn’t take it. Just took my keys and phone. Luckily though they know me in there and I said I’ll bring in the money the next day and they were totally cool with that, but I was still embarrassed. What a dick!

J and I let the dogs off for a run across the road from mine, before we went home. Enjoyed the last bit of sunshine 🙂 Dropped the pups home and went to the shop so J could get dinner, I had already eaten a big meal at lunch so I wouldn’t eat dinner.

We came back to mine and just chilled. Caught up on everything too, that was so cool. Was nice to see him again and hang out. I had invited loads of friends over to celebrate my birthday. But pretty much everyone pulled out. Most with a valid reason. Some didn’t even bother to contact me. So ended up just being me and J. That caused real mixed feelings, it was really cool to hang out with J again, we just talked and watched crime stuff, talked about trans stuff too. But kinda sucked too that no one else came, as I was so looking forward to it…but it is what it is I suppose :/ hurt but at least I wasn’t totally alone.

Think I was in bed by 1:30 and maybe asleep by after 2 am.

I slept so well and for just over 8 and a half hours. Felt like way more then that. Felt so crap when I got up 😦 so groggy, really fucking tired and fucking hurt so fucking much, hate this pain. Last few weeks I’ve felt fucking awful the day after my injection. So over all this but there’s nothing I can do 😥 which makes it fucking worse.

Just relaxed with J watching Jeremy Kyle, he loves it lol. I got him into it. Eventually got myself showered and dressed and J and I took the pups across the road for a run.

J was hungry and I didn’t have anything in. We went into town and he got lunch, I just got a drink as I wasn’t hungry. Went into the shop to pay the money I owed them. By the time we did this it was time for J to get his bus. Sucks he can’t stay all weekend, but he’s gotta work. Was a bit sad to see him go.

I got home and ended up just sitting for a while, not even doing anything. Just in my own little world totally checked out. Managed to snap out of it and put a film on, I just chilled playing on my tab and eating sweets. After I watched The Bride of Chucky I put on The seed of Chucky. Ended up falling asleep for the entire film lol! I think I watched like the first 10 mins. Totally needed it though, felt so awful.

Only woke up because I got hot, I probably could have slept for longer. It was still nice and sunny out and the pups were all hyper lol so we went across the road for a run and to enjoy the last of the sunshine. Met some other peeps and pups over there, that made scrappy happy playing chase 🙂 fox just barked at them all lol. I dropped the pups back and quickly went to the shop to get dinner.

Again I sat on the sofa and just totally checked out for a bit. Mind its a much nicer place in my own little dream world.

Eventually had dinner and watched The Curse of Chucky, ah I so hope they do a 7th film, I love Chucky.

Just been doing my usual evening thing and watching Adventure time. Can’t be dealing with anything else.

Still feeling really fucking groggy and horrible 😦 feeling a bit let down, a bit low and frustrated. I hope I don’t feel like this tomorrow. Ok maybe I feel a bit lower then just low.

My life revolves around being ill, hospital appointments, side effects of medications and making sure I have enough medication. I am going to run out of Tramadol AGAIN by Mon afternoon, so I am totally fucking freaking out and I NEED it because I hate feeling the withdrawal the pain 😦 So going to have to sort it out Mon morning. Meh this stuff is so stressful, I feel so alone in all this.

Peace out

Batman

lonely

😥 Mood is very very low. But I’ll try write…

I got to bed at midnight, watched tv and played on my tab, I don’t remember how long for. Was feeling very low and lonely….cried myself to sleep.

Woke up at 10 am with a pounding headache and puffy eyes :/ Had breakfast, got showered and got dressed. Took painkillers. Took pups out for a wee and dropped them home.

Left the flat, had a look in a few shops. Got myself some clever putty to play with in group.

Got the bus to group. Group itself was ok…was hard to be there. But felt I needed to go. Chatted to M about stuff afterwards and ended crying lots…found it hard to stop. Even after we stopped talking and I left, I struggled to hold it back together.

We talked about everything and the main thing I’ve been struggling with is loneliness. I’ve seen one friend in 3 weeks, no one has bothered to contact me unless I’ve initiated it…as always. Yeah I saw my family a bit. But in 3 weeks that isn’t good enough. It’s ok when I’m well enough to go out and do things, help friends or whatever, but when I’m ill and struggling…no one bothers with me, even if I reach out. I’m just so alone. It makes me feel like no one loves me, no one actually cares, no one wants to be around me..I’m just a horrible person clearly 😥 No one wants me. I give up. If I didn’t go to my groups I’d go weeks without seeing one single person. No one understands how lonely I am, how depressed I get being ill and in pain all the time. Yes I cope and get on with things but only because I have too. I have no choice but to carry on and be happy and make the best of things. But when it comes to the crunch..I have no one…I feel like well just so alone, isolated.

M is going to talk to me after group next week, so that will be nice.

I had a little look in town before I got the bus home. Bought myself new Batman top I saw. Made me feel a little better.

Got home to my happy puppies. We had cuddles and I took them out for a wee and run. Dropped them back and went to Asda, I wanted to get some smoked haddock to go with my chips.

Chilled out a bit had dinner. Been watching tv. Chatting to my new friend J I met at group Mon. He’s still coming over tomorrow, can’t wait.

Nearly 10 pm now. Going to get to bed after I’ve posted. My head hurts so bad. My eyes are so sore and puffy 😦 keep crying on and off…feels like it won’t stop.

So looking forward to tomorrow.

Batman