Just one big vicious circle….

Ah what to write that is not along the same lines as what I have been writing so far this year and well last year… My life ladies and gentlemen is one HUGE vicious circle that I cannot stop and I fucking HATE! I don’t want to be in this circle any more! I want it to end NOW! 😦

Enough said right there ^^

I’m just SO over this all. Yet AGAIN I am on antibiotics for ANOTHER fucking sinus infection! Like I don’t suffer enough without this bs going on. Oh and I had a full on nose bleed last night..yeah it woke me up for like an hour :/ but felt much longer as all I wanted to do was sleep. Nose bleeds for me are a warning sign that something is wrong not that the Dr that saw me gave a fuck about anything I had to say, she just wanted to get me out the office and done with..

I am so sick of this fucking situation, I just want a break. Tomorrow I get to spend the day chasing people up and sorting shit out…Oh I cannot wait to do that! NOT! That in itself takes some much energy and emotional stress. I definitely need a secretary! I also need a sugar mummaΒ Tongue OutΒ that would make all this MUCH easier..but alas that is just a dream.

My life is right now is, antibiotics, other pills, chronic illness, chronic pain, low mood, benefits, phone calls, appointments, money worries…and it just goes around in a circle, the antibiotics finish and soon after the sinus infection comes right back again. I’m so sick of thinking about it, sick of this being my life! and as I am sat here writing this my nose is bleeding again..ffs! At least its not a heavy one but its still not a good sign, definitely think I am having a flare up right now.

I had to miss group again today, one because I had the doctors this morning and two because I just felt too ill to go anywhere. But I did get a call from My health My way, which is like a support place for people like me with chronic health issues. The lady was asking me for more details about me and my situation and said someone will contact me again, so that’s good. I hate missing group so much as its a lifeline of support and its not on next week due to annual staff leave..ah such bad timing but it is what it is I suppose.

Right now I am struggling to see any positivity or any hope that things will get better, or that I will get better. Its hard to keep my mood on a level as I’m standing on the edge of that black hole, my feet right over the edge, I have nothing to grab onto to stop me from falling in.

If my life were to be put on the scales then they would certainly look unbalanced and almost ready to topple over, I need something to help re-balance everything, but I don’t know what that would be or even look like. Everything just looks so bleak and black, like the colour has been drained out of my life. I certainly feel that if I were a colour I’d be black, mainly because that’s how I feel and because good days are extremely rare. Good days look like bright, colourful and happy, like purple, yellow, pink, orange, blue and other such wonderful colours, I miss good days, I hope I get one again soon.

I tried not to write about the same BS over and over but..well unfortunately my life is fucking BS right now and I have nothing else to talk about 😦

How do I feel right now? I feel tired, my body aches so much and I feel a bit low and empty.

I’m so glad I have the unconditional love of my 4 beautiful fur babies ❀

Β and a picture of me πŸ™‚

Peace out

Batman

Teeth extractions.

WOOHOO! I had my teeth extracted yesterday. I ended up having 3 out instead of two but that was ok because they all needed doing.

It all went well, apart from the first cannula they put in. I’ve got a huge bruise on the back of my hand and it’s really sore. When I woke up straight away I said take it out because it really hurt, so they did. Then I got so so cold and they had to warm me up, but I remember that happening last time. My blood pressure was really high for a bit, so had to stay in recovery for a bit, until it came down. Eventually went onto the ward, had a drink and ate my jelly and I was home by 2:30 pm πŸ™‚ The mother picked me up but I wasn’t happy with her, kept calling me my birth name…ugh, so disrespectful. Luckily mother didn’t stay long and H came over not long after I got home, which was good.

I had a raging migraine after, my jaw was really sore and my hips as well but I think that’s where I got really cold when I woke up. H and I hung out for a bit but by 7 pm I just needed to sleep for a bit because my head was killing and my hips were so sore. I only slept for just over an hour but I felt better for it.

H helped me take the pups out for a wee and after I had a shower to warm up and to get the smell of hospital off me lol.

I managed to get all my piercings back in, except one. My middle lip bar, but I knew I wouldn’t as that starts healing up just after an hour of it being out. So I’m going to leave it out for now and get it re done later down the line.

I slept really well last night, which is not surprising. Head was still a lil sore and my hips were too. H and I just chilled out for most of the day. I had a lil afternoon nap because I was tired and achy. H left mine at about 4 pm, so I got myself showered and dressed, took my pain killers and took the pups out for a walk. We ended up being out for 2 hours, I wasn’t meant to be out that long lol, I’m still really meant to be resting but I’d had enough of resting already. But it was a nice walk and ended up chatting to some guy who was really nice πŸ™‚

Just been chilling this evening, I’ve been managing to eat ok. But only yoghurt and stuff, it’s enough though. I’ve lost 3lbs in the last two weeks, I’m 9st 1lbs now! WOOHOO! pretty much what I was before quetiapine, so pleased with that.

I’m so tired now, so I think it maybe time for bed very soon πŸ™‚

Peace out

Batman

ARRRGH! There are no words

I am not quite sure where to start today… there are SO many things on my lil brain today. Well the same as every day I suppose lol!

I started the day by managing to pull a chunk of skin out of my finger before I’d even gotten out of bed and got blood everywhere. I have a batman symbol on my necklace and it is a bit pointy and sharp. I somehow managed to hook it into my finger and as I got up I pulled the skin off and it pissed with blood all over the place lol.

Despite the start to the day it’s not actually been too bad. I’ve done the housework and laundry, got some bits from the shop, so everything is all sorted for tomorrow. I like when everything is all in order and sorted, makes me feel good.

This afternoon I had a short nap, I was just so tired after cleaning and going to the shop. But it was nice πŸ™‚ and I needed it.

After I met up with my friend and her dog and went for a nice dog walk πŸ™‚ I was totally shattered afterwards lol. It was a nice walk though and the dogs definitely needed it.

This evening I got a call from the hospital to say that they cannot guarantee me a bed tomorrow. Which has angered me to know end, literally so furious. So what happens now is that I have to go in tomorrow as planned and I won’t know until about 8 am – 8:30 am whether they have a bed for me and if they are able to take my teeth out or not. If not then I just go home and they re-book it, but I am just so hoping that this will not be the case, as I’ve waited 10 months already for this! I was anxious about tomorrow but now I am even more anxious. Also because they have got my gender down as female…not sure WHY! because I think I remember telling the nurse I saw in July that I was trans…but whatever, so afterwards I will be stuck on a same-sex ward with woman… I may say something when I get there but… if the beds are short then yeah it will probably be an issue, especially as I haven’t started a physical transition. URGH! so complicated. So yeah I am stressed for tomorrow, I just want it over an done with now. So yeah fingers crossed it actually happens!

So once again I am not sure how I feel other then stressed and anxious. They are only secondary emotions, I don’t know what I primarily feel. Mind I think I am probably in a state of disassociation again from my body, I still have the weird controlled breathing again. But I am just trying hard no to focus on it so it doesn’t get worse.

Right I gotta sort my stuff out for tomorrow, what clothes I am going to wear and what I need to take with me. JOYS!

I may not write for a few days now IF they do my teeth tomorrow. So yeah πŸ™‚ fingers crossed!

Peace out

Batman

Sometimes all you can do is just BE :)

I don’t know where to start today, I am just looking at the screen hoping to be inspired to write. I think it’s a bit of brain block/brain fog.

I decided to go to my trans group social last night, which was nice πŸ™‚ and the pups always love seeing everyone. I think I needed to socialise and get out of my head for a bit and come home feeling a bit better then when I went.

WOW did I sleep well last night, I slept for a good 9 hours but I must have needed it. I was up for a bit and then slept again for a few hours until 12:30 pm. I so needed it though, I’ve felt much better for it.

All I’ve managed to do today is just be, I’ve felt too overwhelmed to do anything. But I am coming to realise that just being is totally ok. Yes I have my DBT skills and stuff but sometimes that just doesn’t work, nothing does. So I’ve just had to sit and be, which for me isn’t always easy because every time I feel down I feel like I should be doing something to turn it around. But by actually just sitting and being I have turned it around and I’ve not felt so exhausted today, as I’ve slept and I’ve just been without trying to do anything or be anything, which in itself can be exhausting.

I made some cakes this afternoon, I love baking but even more so now I have my stool to sit on so its a lot less tiring.

I went and had my haircut late afternoon, I just suddenly decided to go and get it cut. So I got my mohawk shaved back in, I love having the sides so short but I like having a bit to play with.

Had two showers today πŸ™‚ but again with my stool it isn’t so energy draining now. I love having a shower again now, it’s enjoyable again.

All I’ve done this evening is take the pups for a wee and pick up my meds. I didn’t end up eating anything tonight because I didn’t want anything, I did have 1 meatball at lunch time, so I have eaten a bit today.

Just relaxing now, got the tv on. Waiting for a show called girls to men to start, which is about trans guys πŸ™‚ last week was about trans kids and that was good, so really looking forward to this. All though I know this will kick off the dysphoria for me because these guys are like done with their transition and I am just wanting so bad to start my physical transition.

I now have two people that will be able to help me Thursday, so if one person can’t then the other can. So I am feeling so so grateful for that. All mother has to do is pick me up from hospital and drop me home. So I am not stressing about it as much now, I just can’t wait for it all to be over with.

Tomorrow I have my bitch jobs to do and laundry. I’m also going to try and take the pups for a walk if I feel up to it. I need to get my self sorted for Thursday, what I need to take and set my alarm and stuff. I need to be at the hospital for 7:15 am so I need to be up pretty early because I need to have a shower, take out my piercings and take the pups out for a quick wee. I probably won’t walk up there though, I’ll get a taxi. I am starting to feel a bit anxious about it now, even though I’ve had this type of procedure before. I suppose it’s natural to feel a bit anxious before being put to sleep.

Β feeling fresh with my new haircut

Peace out

Dyllan

I love guided meditation

Ah yes! Sunday this bullshit week is practically over! And I am feeling a bit better then I have done. But that’s mainly down to doing some guided meditation, which really helped to ground me.

A quick catch up –

Saturday – Β I actually woke up feeling ok, because I did my metoject injection the night before I was half expecting to feel really poorly but thankfully I felt ok.

I’m sat here trying to remember what I did but I can’t remember. I didn’t feel too great though, I felt really restless. I was trying to relax but I just couldn’t.

By about 1:30 pm I was so restless that I just had to get out. So I took the pups down to Bournemouth beach. It was a really nice walk once I was able to actually get on the beach. There was a marathon thing on, which is great cuz it’s for charity and whatever…BUT it was really fucking difficult to get on and off the beach! I just wanted to fucking walk my dogs! WOW even that was fucking hard work. Whoever organised it, did not do it well! But whilst actually on the beach me and the pups had fun, so least that was good.

Oh I got some bad news in the post…They’ve cancelled my appointment to take my teeth out while I’m asleep…just said due to unforseen circumstances. I have been waiting 10 fucking months for this appointment! I am not impressed. But I have to wait till tomorrow to sort it out.

I didn’t have any dinner, just munched on bits and bobs, I was too tense to eat anything. The stress and the anger of the week had all built up and I was feeling really agitated.

I was in bed by half 10 pm and I knew I needed to do some meditation but I wasn’t able to do it on my own. So I found an app called Stop, Breathe and Think, for guided meditation and it was so good and really relaxed me and I felt all the heaviness go and the anger melt away. I fell asleep pretty much straight away.

Well today I woke up about half 8 am but I felt like I’d actually slept for the first time this week. Had my breakfast and watched tv. I did have a lil nap for a bit which was nice.

My friend text to see if I was up…I was up but only just lol! So I hopped in the shower, got dressed and nipped to the shop to get a few bits and waited for my friend to come over.

We spent the afternoon just chatting and watching films and the x-files. It was nice just to relax and catch up, also it was a really nice day and there’s only been one other day this week that’s actually been good, so 2 out of 7 is ok I suppose lol.

I had my dinner, sorted out all my lists for the week. My list of what I am doing and when, what bills are coming out and when. Then what dinners I am going to cook and this week on the menu is cottage pie, veg and ham risotto and corn beef hash! I cannot wait to eat it all πŸ™‚ I’ve done my shopping list so I know what I need to get too. I am thinking of trying going to Lidl instead of Asda as I know it will be loads cheaper. Will have to see how that goes and whatever I can’t get in there I can go get in Asda.

I am feeling a lot better today, my head is in a much better place. Meditation is so powerful and this app I found is great, definitely going to do it before I go to sleep tonight.

Have a busy-ish day tomorrow, got the housework and laundry to do in the morning, I need to go up to the hospital and get my bloods done and possibly see if I can sort out re-booking my hospital app while I’m there, that will probably be much easier then trying to ring them. I’ll just go to where I went to book it the first time round and take the letter and see what happens.

In the evening I have my trans group social at a cafe called Flirt, that’s always fun, I always look forward to going up there with the pups.

That’s it for tomorrow…I say that’s it but that’s more then enough lol.

Anyway I’m going to wrap this up, as I need to take the pups out before I get to bed and do some guided meditation.

Peace out

Batman

What a nightmare.. :/

Well this week has been utter bullshit. Literally it couldn’t have gone any worse, well it probably could have but hey. I’m glad the week is over and the weekend is here, so I can try again next week. Mind on Wednesday I have to go in hospital to have 2 teeth taken out while I’m asleep.

Thursday – Urgh I felt rough when I woke up but I managed to get myself to group although when I got there I wished I hadn’t gone because I felt so flipping ill, it’s down to the fact I’m only taking my steroids every other night and my body is not liking it. So the day I don’t take my steroids is the day I feel really ill.

I got home, had a nice shower because I was so sweaty and horrible, I put my pjs on and went to sleep for a bit because I was just so flipping tired and felt so ill. But I only slept for about an hour.

Just had a sandwich for dinner as I just wasn’t up for eating anything else.

Took the pups across the road for a wee and a bit of a run as they’d not been out much. But wow that didn’t go well either.. Both the dogs were off their leads and at first we were the only ones there but then we came across some woman with two huge dogs and for some reason scrappy got spooked and ran off and I couldn’t find him anywhere! I was calling him for ages but couldn’t find him, so I headed home as I thought he may have headed that way too. I dropped foxy home and picked up my phone to see if anyone had rang as he’s got my phone number on his tag on his harness. I had a look around by Asda as that’s another place we walk, so he may have gone there. Thankfully I found him tied up just inside the door of Asda! WOW I was so pleased to see him, I cried. Luckily someone we know saw him and picked him and and took him to the shop with him. He found him running about in the road and thank god there was not a scratch on him! I’ve never been so happy to see my boy!

Had lots of snuggles with my boy when I got in and a good cry too. Chatted to some friends and went to bed because I was so achy I needed to rest.

Today hasn’t been so horrible though, although it did take me a while to get to sleep last night and it was a really restless sleep as well, I woke up really sweaty and really hot.

I slept most of the morning as I was still feeling a bit achy and poorly.

Did the housework and laundry as it needed doing. Had a nice shower and got dressed. Had something to eat, while waiting for my parcel to come.

After my parcel had arrived I took the pups up to the heath again, just up out of the way of the majority of the population. We only saw a few people and the pups had a nice time πŸ™‚

Got home, chilled out, had dinner. I went to my brothers for a bit to give Leo his birthday present. I can’t believe he’s one already! it has gone so so fast. I didn’t stay too long though.

I got in and took the pups out for a wee straight away, got back in again and got straight into my pj’s lol and I’ve just been relaxing ever since.

Got my metoject injection tonight and no steroids tonight either..so tomorrow I am going to feel like fucking shit! So I am not looking forward to how crap I am going to wake up feeling in the morning. But I have no plans tomorrow so I can just hibernate for the day.

Well I better go jab myself in the stomach! and get my butt into bed.

Peace out

Batman

Busy boy in over drive.

It’s only Tuesday and my lil brain is in over drive and I feel like I’ve done a whole weeks worth of work lol.

I am feeling a bit better today, my mood isn’t so low and physically I don’t feel as grotty and horrible as I did at the weekend.

So what have I been up too…

Mon – I was up at 7 am for some reason, so I prepared my beef casserole and put it in the slow cooker. It smelt amazing πŸ™‚

I wasn’t feeling it (not sure what IT is lol) but yeah I just felt crap. So I slept until midday because I just couldn’t be bothered to do anything else and I was up stupidly early.

Eventually got showered and dressed and just pottered about the flat, I didn’t really know what to do with myself. I just couldn’t settle down, I tried to do some colouring but I couldn’t get into it, tried to watch a film…couldn’t get into it. I didn’t feel agitated just really restless, maybe it was anxiety about something. I’m not sure, I’m still not fully in touch with my emotions at the moment so I am struggling to name how I feel because I just don’t know. It is getting a bit better though, I am making more of an effort to be mindful or my emotions.

I did manage to get myself together eventually. I didn’t eat my beef casserole as I wasn’t hungry at the time it was ready. Put it on low for the rest of the evening.

Took myself and the pups up to Flirt for the trans group social. I was really hungry by the time I got there, so I got myself a nice jacket potato. The pups love going to Flirt and they get so much attention as well πŸ™‚ they have great food too. It was a really nice evening, I am so lucky to have such a great group of people and to have the support and also to be around people in the same situation.

When I got home, I did the washing up, took the rubbish out, cleaned the balcony of dog poop, cleaned the cat litter box. So all I needed to do in the morning is hoover. I’m glad I got it all sorted before getting to bed.

So today, I was up at 8 am, hoovered up straight away so it was done! Then did the rest of my morning routine, which I did without feeling it was too much effort. Although my hip and knee was really sore this morning, I think its from laying on that side all night.

Headed out to see L πŸ™‚ now Albert is at nursery 3 mornings a week, we can now spend some much needed adult time together without dragging Boo about with us.

We looked around in a few shops, went to the 6D cinema and watched a new scary short film called Lost in Fear. It was so good! Very jumpy and we got a bit wet lol. I LOVE the 6D cinema! It totally rocks! And we had Burger King for lunch. It was a really nice to just chill out and have a good laugh and it really was πŸ™‚

I had my gender identity 1:1 this afternoon and it was a really good session, my mind was a bit more focused so I got more out of it today. I’ve decided that I am going to do a letter to all of the doctors that take care of my physical health and explain about my transition and what is going to happy re – hormone therapy, surgery and stuff, so they are aware of everything and if any changes need to happen with my current medication, then the sooner the better. So yeah I want to start to get organised with everything regarding my transition and getting them linked with all my other doctors because I think that will be really important for all my doctors to be involved and interact with each other. So it’s less for me to worry about and remember etc.

Got back to my lil fur babies πŸ™‚ and I was going to have a lil snooze…but it didn’t happen lol. I started organising my folders that I got for my new courses and I’ve got a folder for my 1:1 as we write bits down and if it’s al in one place I can’t lose it.

I did have a rest and closed my eyes for a bit, I didn’t sleep though. I just needed a rest in the quiet and had snuggles with my babies ❀ Which was pretty perfect ❀

Had some of my beef casserole for my dinner and it was very yummy if I do say so myself πŸ™‚ and all the fur babies had a lil taste too.

I took the pups out at half 5 pm, I’m making the most of being able to take the pups out in the evening. As soon it will be dark at 5 pm, which means a whole change in routine and making sure I am up relatively early so I actually see the daylight! for more then a few hours lol. It also means planning on taking the pups out in the day time rather then evening walks. I think for the winter I will write out my daily planner so I have things planned and if it’s written down I am more likely to do it. I do tend to get the winter blues but I think that is partly down to less sun and partly down to the fact that I usually get more coughs and colds etc in the winter and I ache way more too. So having fun things planned and everything written down gives me more of a purpose and a bit of drive to actually do things too.

Just been relaxing this evening, chatting to some friends online. But I am logging off soon, as I need to be up at 7 am. I start my Recovery Narrative course tomorrow which is 10 am – 1pm, really looking forward to it…but not getting up at 7 am lol! That I can do without! but hey it is what it is.

Right this boy is off.

Peace out

Batman

G.I.C workshop @ Charing Cross hospital

I am so so so tired, I probably should get to bed right now. But I need to get stuff out my head before I can sleep and rest properly.

Monday night it took me nearly an hour to get to sleep because I was so anxious about Tues morning and it was so weird not having the pups in bed with me. But I eventually got to sleep…not for long though as I was up at 5:45 am Tuesday morning.

I got up, had breakfast, showered, dressed and sorted my backpack out. Man it was so weird, the flat was so quiet without the pups lol. Mind I didn’t miss scrappy following me about with his toys waiting for me to play fetch every 2 seconds! I had some time to watch a bit of tv and check my backpack like a hundred times to make sure I’ve got absolutely everything I needed. Anxious much! eeeep!

Whilst walking to the coach stop, my heart started racing, I was hot/cold and sweaty, I was shaking internally. I was a mess lol and at one point I felt like walking back home. But I carried on and I got on the coach, put my seatbelt on and off the coach went.

As the time went on my anxiety lessened because well, I was on the motorway on the way to Hammersmith London, there was no turning back lol. So I just had to get on with it! I had a nice lady sat next to me and we chatted a bit, she also gave me some directions as well which was great and totally spot on πŸ™‚

The fucking weather was crap, it was raining heavily on and off all day. When I got off the coach I managed to walk and find my way to the gender identity clinic. I was an hour early but I was there, safe and sound. Oh on the way though some absolute fucking cock drove straight through a puddle and soaked me! I was not fucking impressed, so I flipped him off and shouted cunt at him lol!

Oh I was the first person waiting…haha. There was another guy that turned up not long after me, so we sat and chatted while we were waiting and he took my number. Loads of people soon started piling in! Which as a bit overwhelming but cool to see so many trans peeps in the same place πŸ™‚ Some were out like me, some weren’t and some were non binary etc, so yeah it was cool.

The workshop itself was good, talked about what to expect, went through the process and what sort of things are available to us, what is covered by the NHS and what things aren’t (all is covered apart from a boob job) Talked us through the surgeries, female to male and male to female, saw some graphic surgery pictures lol! That was a bit gross, especially the male to female surgery! EEEEP! But overall it was really good and I enjoyed it. Oh and I was chatting to a lady in there and I gave her to details of the trans group I go to as she doesn’t live too far from me which is cool.

I headed back to the coach stop, picking up a sandwich on the way through because I was so freaking hungry. But I could have actually stopped to eat something properly because the coach was an hour late! My phone had died and the plug on the coach where I was sat was broken… and the battery life on my tab is awful. I couldn’t really relax because I was just so anxious to get to L’s to get my babies!

The coach was 40 mins late getting to Bournemouth but the traffic and road works was fucking awful on the way back. I hopped into a taxi and went to L’s πŸ™‚ OMG it was soooo good to see my happy babies! Scrappy was crying bless him and foxy was happy barking at me lol!

I stayed at L’s for a little bit, just to catch up πŸ™‚ didn’t stay too long because I just needed to get into my bed so bad.

Got the bus home with the pups, chatting to a few friends.

Got in, grabbed some food, meds, chargers for phone and tab, chucked phone and tab in my bedroom, got a nice cold can of Pepsi and collapsed onto my bed with a big sigh of relief. Ah meds, food and a nice cold can of Pepsi was so lush!

I caught up with a few peeps online who were asking me about my day but I couldn’t stay up much longer. So I was sound asleep by about half 11 pm I think.

Wow it was a really long day but I am so so chuffed that I went and I did it all by myself πŸ™‚ and I made some friends too!

Today I woke up at 9 am, went for a pee, had something to eat and drink and went back to bed until 12 pm, I soooo needed it but I’m still not really fully functional lol. I’ve been in my own world most of the day.

I did do the housework this afternoon, did a load of laundry…that leaked grey and black onto lighter coloured clothes…oops lol! But whatever..

Went into town, got electric, paid my rent and treated myself to some new stuff. I got new trainers, boxers and two t-shirts. I think I bloody well deserved it πŸ˜€ that’s my story and I am sticking to it! haha.

Got back and relaxed for a bit, took some pain meds as my legs were aching. Then took the pups out for a nice walk πŸ™‚

This evening I’ve just been relaxing, wasn’t really hungry so just had a sandwich for dinner. Been catching up with my groups online which has been cool πŸ™‚

I suppose I am feeling ok tonight, just tired. I don’t really feel really happy or really depressed. I just feel ok…maybe I feel a little down but I think that’s because well it has been a hell of a week. I think the London trip was a massive distraction from what’s actually going on in my head if that makes sense. I was so anxious and wrapped up with worrying about the workshop that everything else I was worrying about has been pushed away. But I can feel it all slowly creeping back into my head, which sucks but there are things I need to deal with, like the shitty benefits wankers! URGH! So yeah I am fully expecting my mood to drop again.

Physically I’m ok, just really achy and tired. My skin on my right hand is really peeling all over my fingers. I’m not complaining because I like picking it but it does get a lil sore. I think I’m having a lil flare up because every day I feel a bit run down, which is a really crappy feeling.

Right I need to get to bed,

Peace out

Batman

Separation anxiety

Urgh I am really struggling to concentrate right now, but I’m going to keep going.

I didn’t sleep too well last night, kept tossing and turning. But I felt ok not too tired.

This morning I was pretty productive, I wrote my lists, sorted out what bills are coming out this week, did a load of laundry, wrote out my xmas list, cards, who I’m getting presents for, xmas food etc. I felt better having it all sorted.

Headed over to L’s this afternoon and I sat at hers with the pups while she went to pick up the boys. It was nice chilling with all 3 pups πŸ™‚

I stayed there for a bit when she got back, helped Harvey do his homework.

I left because I needed to sort myself out before tomorrow. As soon as I left I felt hot, sick, shaky, my heart was racing and I could barely breathe! I was so so anxious about being away from my babies 😦 I’m not feeling much better now, but I’m not as bad as I was.

Went to the shop and got bits for my coach trip tomorrow. So that’s all sorted.

I’m just trying to relax now but finding it really difficult. I’m going to sort my backpack out soon and try and get an early night as I’ve got to be up mega early….URGH!

My stomach is doing back flips right now lol…eeeep.

I am super nervous about tomorrow but excited too. OMG I can’t believe I’m actually going and doing this! AHHHHHHHH! LOL!

Peace out

Batman